The Fever's Guide to Being Bitchy -- Regarding FAT

ok... here is my separate post about being bitchy. (yeah yeah... I know... those of you who know me know I could write an entire blog about this subject... not just one post... but still.... shaddup and listen!)


Today facet of Bitchy I want to focus on is FATNESS.


now... anyone who's a friend of the Fever knows I am CONSTANTLY bagging on Mariah for her ballpark frank fingers (they plump when you cook 'em) ... her thighs that look like pale crunchy cheetos, and just her poor poor taste in clothing and everything in general.

yeah.. I said it... MARIAH'S FAT!!!!


and let's face it... women are the ROUGHEST bitches around when it comes to the subject of fatness. We are hard on EVERYONE... ourselves... others.... shee-it... I've been known to poke fun at fat ANIMALS, too!

But there are a few rules that should be followed.


ALWAYS.



FIRST OF ALL..... it's ok to outright call someone FAT. This right is not exclusive to skinny people. That's right... even if your ass was on Montel last year cause you're too big to get out of bed... even YOU own the right to call someone fat. It's a STATEMENT. like saying... "YOU'RE A GIRL!!!" You don't have to be a girl to call someone a girl... or I suppose the correct phrasing would be that you don't have to be NOT-A-GIRL to call someone a girl... so why should you NOT have to be FAT to call someone FAT??? If someone is FAT... get out there and say it!

(I'll wait while each of you finish muttering under your breath how I'm a fine one to talk.... once you get that out of your system.. continue reading)

OK. so we agree that it's fair to call a spade a spade, right?? I'm going to assume you do... cause you're still reading. otherwise, I suppose you COULD be taking notes so you can just go off on my ass in the comments... but that's cool.... just keep reading.


Now... While previously stated that it is perfectly fair to outright call someone FAT.... I feel it's important to exercise discretion when stating the obvious. I mean... this is a guide to BITCHINESS.... not outright CRUELTY.

Normal people do not deserve turrets-like outbursts to be bestowed on them regularly. Normal people are just trying to do their thing like everybody else, and deserve a little slack. So while I feel that RULE #1 states that anyone and everyone can call someone fat.... I don't necessarily agree that it should be the normal greeting for everyone.

I personally prefer to dish out helpings of rule #1 to celebrities, because they're making gobs and gobs of money, and why should they really care what I call them, anyway? They could just go visit Tom Cruise and get some feel-good medicine from the Head Alien if I really got to them, you know? Or pay someone to hold their milkshake for them. I know that always makes ME feel better.


RULE #2... EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BE HARD ON THEMSELVES. Listen here... if I want to bitch about my fat rolls, and my shadow I see from my still-soft-post-baby belly... then damnit... I HAVE THAT RIGHT!!! I can make moo-ing noises while I scarf down appetizers.... I can speak in metaphors all damn day about my ass if it pleases me. It's MY body... *I* live with it, and I'll make fun of it if I damn well please!!!!

It's kinda like Troy.... *I* can make fun of him, cause he's my husband, and I have to smell his farts every day. But if anyone else on this green earth makes fun of Troy, you KNOW I"m gonna throw down, cause that's MY MAN!!!! (ok... unless, of course, I'm hosting a caption the picture of the toothless husband contest.... then i'ts ok....) but you get the point.

The way I look at it... things can get pretty boring when you CONSTANTLY have to listen to your one friend drone on and on about how fat she is as she eats a whoile package of oreos. People like that tend to lose their audiences after a while... cause, well.. it gets old.

my suggestion for a practical use of RULE #2 is to practice snappy lines at home by yourself. that way, when you DO have an audience... people ENJOY hearing you bitch about yourself. For example... would you rather be out to eat with your friend as she drones on and on about how her clothes don't fit her anymore, and she was crying and crying and it's horrible how much weight she's gained, will you please pass the appetizers??? or would you rather be across the table from someone who says... "DAMMMMN!! I gained so much weight over Christmas, that elevator HAD to go down!! hah hah hah, now share some of those fat sticks with me, sister!"


RULE #3... This is where shit comes together. While it is ok to call yourself fat... and it is acceptable to call someone ELSE fat.... by NO MEANS WHATSOEVER SHOULD YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE UNLESS YOU KNOW FOR DAMN SURE YOU'RE SKINNIER.

let this sink in.


Call yourself fat.
Call someone ELSE fat.
do NOT... repeat... DO NOT say someone is fatter than YOU, unless said statement is true. In fact.... you should pretty much always tell the other person they are skinnier than you, even when you know in your heart that you're skinnier than them.

It's a girl thing, you see. Women are CONSTANTLY judging each other. it's what we do!!! I would venture to say that 8 times out of 10, a woman has mentally checked out another woman and categorized her well before any words are even exchanged.

fatter or skinnier than me?

prettier than me or not?

what's her ass look like?

hmm.. at least my boobs are bigger.

ewww, and her makeup is bad.

but this is a tangent. my point is that everyone already knows who's skinnier... so even though you BOTH know the truth... the dance begins.

if you LIKE the person you're talking to... you will tell them they look good. She then will tell you how fat she is... then you tell them, no way... you're totally skinnier than me, I hate you!

If SHE likes YOU... she will return the compliments... blah blah blah... No... YOU'RE skinnier than me... blah blah blah.

and the subject will change, and you both make fun of Mariah Carey.


Now, in cases where there's an OBVIOUS difference in weights-slash-sizes... When the girls like each other, they will STILL find ways to compliment each other. It's what we do. When you LIKE someone, you offer support and camaraderie. period.

BUT.... If/when you have an encounter with someone who is OBVIOUSLY much LARGER than someone, and the LARGER one says how the two are THE SAME SIZE.... Well... That's opening Pandora's box of bitch-slapping if there was one.

I mean... I'm not saying that this has happened to me before (ok... I'll say it... it HAS) but damn.... don't be stepping on my ego like that!!! I mean... I know my ass ain't SMALL... but BITCH.... you got yourself a fucking CADILLAC back there, so don't be telling me "we're the SAME SIZE" and that we can just go on diets together... ESPECIALLY when I never said anything about going on a diet in the FIRST PLACE!!! BITCH!!!!!!! Telling ME I need to go on a diet... HMMMPH!!!

but I digress.

My point is this. DON'T make personal comparisons, unless you're being NICE to someone. Even for a bitch like me... it's not nice to do.... and if you DO decide to go ahead and make a comment like that.. be prepared for a little backlash. you have it coming.


Now... if you DO happen to find yourself on the receiving end of a "huminuh-WHAT did you just say?!?!?" situation... I recommend the following.

The next time your caddy-ass friend INSISTS you are the SAME SIZE... buy her a pair of jeans for her birthday. IN 'YOUR' SIZE. with NO gift receipt. And make sure she knows you didn't give her the gift receipt cause she's always telling you how you're the SAME SIZE.

Then maybe refer her to this post, so she can brush up on the rules. But seriously. get her the jeans. I promise you won't hear her compare you two ever again!



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happy Friday, gang....