something

some times i feel like I just want to write. about anything, nothing.. the same shit, different shit, the fact that I took THREE shits yesterday (true story), but just SOMETHING.

other times.. which is usually MOST of the time... I've got nothin'. well, no.. that's not true. there's ALWAYS something going on.. this is the "apollo" after all....

but who wants to hear my dribble? especially when i should be folding laundry? or finishing up the shit I owe Troy for my Stepford site?

I suppose if you're reading this, there's some part of you that IS interested in my dribble. or you're looking for a reason to laugh at me. there's usually a few morsels of asshat behavior to go around in here, so i can understand that.

but yeah... I've been blogging more or less now for what.. 5 years? still don't consider myself a BLOGGER. and apparently i still wonder why people even read this here page. (again.. the occasions to point and laugh not withstanding.) hate all the blogitics with kissing this one's ass and being that one's reader. screw that! I don't even follow TV celebrities.... forget about following normal people who blog!

nonetheless... I still hear about things. call it third party exposure, background noise, or just perhaps newsworthy shit comes your way. like that whole brad-jennifer-angelina mess. like.. i don't even know who's with who or why or even CARE.. but i know enough to know they're all connected.

so needless to say, I've been at a loss lately now even with twitter. apparently, there's been a slew of babies of people who twit that have died within the past week or so. FUCK ME RUNNING. seriously. I can't go there. I mean.. I'm still trying to function from an ADULT dying... never mind take on the emotional hell of thinking about babies passing away.

don't get me wrong.. I find it horrible and tragic and gut-wrenchingly sad... I appreciate and respect the sentiments that are going around, and the visual displays of empathy and support are more than likely very healing to those hurting the most. I have already said a few prayers for the families that are suffering, and they will most likely not be the last ones I say.

but I'm just not strong enough to take that on. And maybe that's harsh, but for the pure simple sake of our family's financial state, MY emotional state, and wanting to have SOME semblance of HAPPY left in me to give to my own children... I gotta put the blinders on.

and I KNOW that's the right thing.. the blinders... cause again... how much can I take on before it begins to take away from the ones who need me the most??? but then I feel a little guilty. like I SHOULD be doing something. as a mother! as a Christian!! as a decent person who has a moral sense!!!

so yeah.. there's a TEENY bit of guilt there that I'm not leaving comments and turning things purple in memory of someone's dead child. but my truth remains that if Rhena or Danny were to die? the entire fucking WORLD could turn purple and it wouldn't matter to me.

it just wouldn't. it would be too late.


_________

my prayers go out to those of you who are suffering from the loss of a loved one. my only hope is that those of my readers with whom I have a personal relationship with will always know in their hearts the love and support I have for them.

FOR YOU, I will dye my entire body a color to ease your suffering. I will make my daughter stay dressed for once, I will make donations, I will bake cookies and ask strangers to do strange things. I would most likely do much more, but don't want to make suggestions cause a good percentage of you may actually make me follow through on these offerings.

for my own family, I would define the word limitless.

but I will not... CAN NOT... allow death to be a starting point. forgive me for that, but I prefer to be part of your LIVES.

fixing bridges

do you ever find yourself sitting back wondering "how the hell did THAT happen?"


sometimes mistakes happen, then time passes, and uh-oh... what was a teeny mistake a while ago turns into a hot mess of hurt feelings, unspoken anger and/or uncomfortable tension.


My kids in my CCD class made their first reconciliation last month, and when I was explaining the process to a neighbor, she commented on how horrific it sounds. I mean.. on one hand.. I totally agree... being 8 years old and telling some priest all the shit you've done wrong is NOT exactly one's idea of a good time. Much less being 30-hundred years old and fessing up to your wrong-doings.

But yet... what a process, huh? just taking pause, and saying "I'm sorry." and not "sorry.. but... whatever this and that reason"

just.. "I'm Sorry." powerful stuff.


So last year, I bitched and moaned to Kerrianne and Chris for 100 years about how I wanted a felt mustache. so Christmas cheer and glory... they sent it to me!


oh.. the plans I had!!!! I made about 1 1/2 dozen mustache cookies, and was going to wear the felt 'stache' while holding the PLATE of cookies... all while sporting my new chef coat that my parents gave me for my birthday.

then I lost the mustache. ugh. THEN... I never said anything. DUH! why NOT? I dunno. I really don't know. but now that i DIDN'T.. I feel like I'm walking around with this ELEPHANT of guilt. and the funny this is I'm out trying to do a bunch of good deeds for a bunch of OTHER people.. but still not addressing the two people I screwed up with. WTF is WRONG with me?!?!?


I should just take a lesson from my class.. oh wait.. the same lesson I've been teaching THEM (oh, the irony.. it's such a cruel cruel bitch...) and just say I'm sorry. and I was GOING TO.... but then I found the mustache!

so anyways..all's fine.. just apologize already, you dumb Polack! but now... I STILL procrastinate, and feel like I can make the apology BETTER by still sending the cookies... (though not the original batch. sadly, I never got around to taking that one picture... and between me, troy, and the kids.. cookies don't survive long in these parts. )

so this weekend, I'm hoping to just kind of whip up a batch of apology cookies, and hope the valentine's day aura of love helps them forgive me. if not for the initial losing of the stache... then hopefully for me just being so dumb and not being honest about what was going on.

SO to my favorite blogging couple in Oregon? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I really do feel like a dumbass for the way I let a simple mistake escalate into a THING, and I really hope y'all will accept the long-lost stache and my apology package.




_________

speaking of cookies.. I'm hosting a valentine's contest over on the baking blog. super easy to win, so go on over....

A world Named Sue (part 2?)

I often mention different friends on here. I USUALLY try to keep them anonymous, unless they have a blog themselves, then I link the hell out of them.

One friend in particular has TRULY helped me get through the past 4 1/2 years without too much permanent damage. which is crazy in a lot of ways, considering I've only seen her in person maybe what... 5 times?

but that's how this world is.. you have friends that you don't really see, you see friends that you don't really have... yet somehow. through cables and fibers and signals and transmits; our lives become melded with others.. one post, one twit, one IM, and one e-mail at a time.

I have a world in a friend named Sue. It's not always perfect; we get catty, cranky, hurt, jealous, and often don't understand what the other is trying to say, even if we mean the same thing. But yet, for all of our differences... we share a soul. or at the very least part of our hearts.

Today is her birthday. Now Sue?? shit.. that crazy hen is celebrating all week long. she even whipped my ass yesterday to make her a button of some sorts for the occasion. see?? (not bad, if I do say so myself)

Anyways.. SHE'S going to celebrate all week long... so be sure to go visit her and wish her well. Here at the fever... well.. I celebrate her all the time. That's how good friends are. they (regardless of the time and distance between) they just have a way of being in your life every day and because of it, you smile. ok, sometimes you HONK... but that's another story.

Like I said.. she'll be partying it up over at her place all week. But today? today I wanted to say that TODAY is a wonderful day, and that I love my friend very much. You know.. even though she calls me a bitch.

HIS-story repeating

ok.. I KNOW it's supposed to be HISTORY, but in this case, I do mean HIS story.

let me rewind.


as in any girl's life.. I've had my share of relationships that never quite made it. pick a reason as to why a relationship could fail or not even get started, and I could MOST LIKELY give you the name of a guy that fits the bill.

recently, I've come into contact again with one gentleman that coulda woulda shoulda but never quite did.


Ours was a story of young-ness. I wouldn't quite say love, because now that I AM in love, I look back and see that the elements that were present between us were not love. perhaps it was PERCEIVED to be love at that time.. and for some, that's enough. But today, in my world of Stepford, the Apollo, and all that makes the Fever burn like it does... THAT.. THAT relationship I had back then? THAT was not love.


so yes. ours was a story of young-ness. not necessarily YOUTH, though truth be told I was MUCH younger then. but YOUNG-NESS in that we were both so NEW in many arenas. I had recently left New Jersey, and while being thoroughly supported by my family (emotionally and financially).. I had my first taste of Independence. I was on my own. the freedoms and POWER of my CHOICES I recognized make me delirious even now.

I met a boy. I was smitten. (this is a key element repeated in just about every 'boy story' I have... but it's still important to say.) (I SAY it's important to say because there are about 100 other chapters I could tell about boys who were smitten with ME that I either failed to notice or pretended NOT TO because it would have been too much WORK on my part.)

so yeah. me. smitten.

Him?

meh... not as much. Don't get me wrong. he WAS attracted to me. he DID secretly relish in the doting I did on him. (and I knew this then because he would kiss me when no one was looking.) To me.. the chase was on.

For years I chased. I waited. I sought. I cried. I pretended I didn't care. I would get 'over him' until the next time he came around. Then I would start back over again.

everybody knew what was going on... though they pretended they didn't because on paper, he and I were 'just friends'. Hell, even *I* knew what was going on.. that I was seeking acceptance, love and recognition from someone who did not want to give it to me. DUH! oh well.. what's done is done. (where was that damn book 'he's just not that into you' when i needed it???)


a time finally came for him to move on. literally; he was moving. a particular event caused me to hit my breaking point, and when final goodbyes were attempted, he was met with a venomous spew from me that apparently was festering inside for so long and could no longer be contained. it got ugly. it WAS ugly.

it was SO UGLY, as a matter of fact, that I have actually blocked it from my memory. really; I mean, I KINDA SORTA remember being angry when he was leaving for good... but I don't remember what was said or even the year I said it. it's just kinda in this hazy 'grey' time in my memory.

and it's not that I refuse to remember myself being mean to someone. no.. I know I have been QUITE the bitch a few times in my life. some occasions I remember every detail. and perhaps for a while I remembered every detail of that altercation. but now? I just remember that we left things not so warm and fuzzy, and that I received a note from him a short while after from him saying he wished never to hear from me again.

anyways... that was lifetimes ago. really. three, in particular... as the additions of Troy, Rhena and Danny to my life have changed the way I view my present, past, and future.

So, long story short (I know.. too late!) I reconnected with the gentleman I just spoke of.


(cue dramatic music, right?)

I guess maybe because I'm in SUCH a different place than I was back then. I guess because I DON'T remember things as clearly as I could. and, I guess I tried to reconnect because I recognize that everyone FROM my past helped to shape me to be the woman I am today. and yeah.. y'all know I bitch a LOT on here, but I do SO VERY LOVE my life.

Generally speaking? I remember this gentleman as a friend whom I have SO MANY SHARED memories with. GOOD memories! FRIENDS! LIFE!!! MOMENTS! GOOD moments!!!

I thought since "we's all grown up now" that I would be able to say hi, bury the hatchet, and get along famously going forward, and have our kids be friends and play great music together over dinner like they do in the movies.

(this is where I'm supposed to realize that life is NOT like the movies)

So we e-mail a few times, and it would appear that we're both doing wonderfully now, and we are both truly happy for one another, and all past misgivings on both parts are forgiven (though if you're reading this blog, PLEASE feel free to be immature and take my side and say that there was nothing for him to forgive cause he deserved any earful he finally got after too many years of putting up with his shit) uh. yeah. all is forgiven.


So I EARNESTLY put it out there that I would very much like for us (meaning our families) to be friends going forward. but as I was writing the e-mail recently.. it hit me.

history.. HIS story... was repeating. HE doesn't want to be friends with me!!!


well, I gotta tell ya. I must be dumb as bricks, cause I ALWAYS seem to be the last one to catch the clue when someone doesn't want to be my friend. I'm surprised I even finished the e-mail to him.... cause seriously, the concept came on like a damn floodlight in a closet. He already got what he needed from me.. he got some closure on his past, and now thank you.. he'll be going again. but yet.. here I am.. once again.. chasing after his acceptance.


and for WHAT? it's not like I NEED his acceptance. perhaps my inner Martha craves that 'smooth finish' to everything. Perhaps I crave honkey-doriness and happy endings cause it makes ME look good? maybe the friendship.. a REAL friendship.. would be the closure or ultimate reward for my years of feeling artificial and not important enough?

so anyways.. that was my thought process as I was writing the note to him. But a few days later.. I have a different perspective. or at the very least am back to my original perspective before digging deep and rehashing past thoughts and emotions.


my perspective is this. I can't be friends with everyone. I don't WANT to be friends with everyone. and friends (or people or characters or acquaintances.. whatever you choose to label them) come and go in one's lifetime. At any given time, another person can serve a purpose and/or have a place in an other's life.

sometimes people have a place AND serve a purpose.. sometimes people serve purpose despite NOT having a place in one's life.

This particular guy certainly served a purpose in my life. after my time with him, I never dated a guy again that felt he should comment about my weight, and I refused to date men that tried to keep our relationship a secret. Those are two very big things to me because of that relationship. and believe you me.. despite ALL the dumb shit troy says.. he KNOWS not to say a DAMN THING if I go for a second piece of cake... and he will never NOT recognize me and/or our relationship; regardless of the setting. see? purpose.


anyways... I have yet to hear back from the long-ago beau. It's only been a few days, but I don't think I ever will. Which, really.. on one hand is a shame.. cause I DO think we'd get along famously and our kids COULD be friends. But on the other.. how can I not respect someone else that has the courage to recognize when there just isn't a place for someone in their life?

I know for sure I don't want anyone in MY life that doesn't want me in theirs.



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speaking of friends!!! get ready for a new music topic!! Mix-tape theme will be up at midnight (EST) and open for contributions!

Just FINE

"fine" is a very powerful word.


Last week, Danny's pediatrician told me that while he's probably 'fine', she believed she saw a growth of some sorts in his right nostril.

clearly, when the word 'fine' is said AFTER the word 'probably', and spoken by your child's doctor, the word 'fine' does not make a mother feel so. As a matter of fact, it made THIS mother sick. like puked 3 different times SICK. and it made for a long week of repeating the word FINE with actions that did not necessarily match the intent.


For example, despite my telling friends and family that we were 'fine'.. ok, that *I* was fine, and I was sure DANNY was just fine... our friends and family did not listen. I was hugged, I received phone calls, I received e-mails. and yet, I was also given enough space for those who love me the most understand that sometimes 'fine' means very very fragile, and pushing too hard might cause me to not just break, but shatter into a thousand little pieces.

Yes.. sometimes "fine' means that a person does not want to talk about it. FINE meant that for a few times this week.

Sometimes, when a random woman is in a food store asking about Brisket to the butcher, sometimes telling that woman that a particular cut of beef would be fine for making brisket... well, sometimes that causes said woman to erupt into tears. And when that woman starts crying, it's perfectly fine to tell her that she's fine, and just patiently wait til she stops crying so you can calmly and slowly tell her step-by-step how to cook the brisket. Because in those cases when things clearly AREN'T fine.. it's nice to act like they are.. and you know.. that the woman isn't a total freak.


Sometimes, when a wife tells a husband that it's fine that he can not attend their son's appointment, she's really not happy. like wants to shove a golf club up his ass not happy. but MAKES it fine because she is strong enough to be both parents when she has to.


This morning, a specialist told me that Danny was "fine". It was like I was hearing the word for the very first time.... or at least the first time I took it for what it meant.


__________________

turns out what was believed to be a polyp in Danny's right nostril was actually just a small scratch or cut. our pediatrician mistook scab issue for a growth and aired on the side of caution by recommending a specialist to have a look. We were given some saline gel and care instructions, and all should be clear within a few weeks.


much love and thanks to any and all who have offered prayers, notes of love and support, the calls, cards, etc. you are all so special to us, and we appreciate how quickly and wholly you offered your hearts.

again.. thank you.

The "Back-At-Ya" Mix

As Promised... here is the list of songs I have put together for YOU, my friends.

again.. having issues with the muxtape... but that will be my homework this week.


The purpose or the idea behind THIS mix list is that I said I would dedicate a song back to each of my contributors. The dedicated song would be one that in some parts reminds me of that person; regardless of what they said was their favorite .


For those of you who like to just get to the point, I will list the songs (and applicable links) first... then go on to explain why I chose each song. so. without further ado... here it is.



Cze-Johnson Fever's Back-At-Ya Mix:



I'm a Woman by Peggy Lee (dedicated to Erin Cooks)

Kiss Me Deadly by Lita Ford (dedicated to Christi)

Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show (dedicated to Annie)

Beautiful Stranger by Madonna (dedicated to Carrie)

I Couldn't Sleep at All by Joey Ramone (dedicated to Jaime)

Join in the Chant by Nitzer Ebb (dedicated to Topher)

New York by MCL (dedicated to Steve)

Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash (dedicated to Angela)

Jersey Girl by Bruce Springsteen (dedicated to Stacey)

Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin (dedicated to Jodes)

Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper (dedicated to Tara)

Proud to Be an American by Lee Greenwood (dedicated to Marianna)

Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks (dedicated to Jenni)

For Good from Wicked (dedicated to Suser)

Sleep Through the Static by Jack Johnson (dedicated to Christie)





ok. hope y'all enjoyed those. now..... if you're curious as to WHY I picked each song....


Erin - Not only does she bring home bacon and cook it up in the pan, but she takes awesome pictures of it and blogs for the world to see. And her blog has something so very classic and classy about it; while I know the song itself has be performed by many women, I think the nod to Peggy Lee and her ability to stand the test of time represents how timeless Erin is.


Christi - Christi is one of those multi-faceted women; (aren't we all?) but no matter how up on current music she may be, I see her soul as a classic rocker-gal. She's tough and can hang, and probably COULD kick Lita Ford's ass.

Annie--- *sigh* I love Annie. She's young, she's edgy, and just SO COOL. when I see her I remember me from 100 years ago. When I hung with the skater kids and listened to groups like TMBG and Dead Milkmen. Of course, NOW I STILL listen to TMBG... on the disney Channel, though. Time Warp is for Annie.


Carrie - Carrie is new around these parts.. at least to ME, anyway. hence, the stranger reference. BUT... after reading some of her entries, I really dig her. She's got her shit together (LOVE her deep thoughts on how proper bargaining chips for her son) similarly, when madonna was releasing music during "beautiful stranger' days.. i thought she kicked ass. she was long, strong, and was ready to take on anything.


Jaime - Jaime is also kinda new to me, so it's tough picking a song. after going to HER blog, I see she's been having sleep issues with her daughter. I was GOING to pick "up all night" by slaughter, but slaughter is totally trashy. not that Joey Ramone ISN'T, but at least in this song, there's no cursing. I think Jaime's a good girl, so no cursing should be associated with her.


Topher and Steve - while they each have their own song, these guys come from close to the same place in my heart. it's called Daytona Beach, and it involves a cage, thursday nights, and a club called the Coliseum. ok, it also involves a closet, a radio station and so much MORE..... but I think I've said enough for them to know where I'm at. love you guys!

Stacey - my partner in crime is a fellow jersey girl, and a total beach girl. of course, she's also from SOUTH jersey, so I couldn't think of anyone better than Bruce. I'm totally gonna miss you, momma.

Jodes - no... I'm not hitting for the other team. BUT.. Jodes' is a friendship so true and deep that she DOES touch and lift the heart. I could say the 'natural' is also a jab at her crunchy organic side, but honestly, the song is just a testament of how good of a person she is, and what a positive impact she has on others.


Tara - sorry, but you started it with the reference to MJ. that, and you DO use the word SIKED a lot. not to mention you TOTALLY busted me on the SJP pre-nose-job picture... so... "girls just want to have fun" it is.


Marianna -- YES.. you are ALSO proud to be a Greek girl, but your patriotism and dedication to respecting the military and ALL those who serve in the armed services past and present is of the highest level I've seen in many people, both online and in 'real life'.

Jenni- ok, so Goodbye Earl was one of your subsequent choices... but I have to admit it suits you. so Dixie Chicks it is!

Suser - Funny thing about this song is that Suser said that this song reminded HER of ME a while back. I was in a bit of an angry state at the time, and was only focusing on certain things, then along came Sus with this suggestions, and my eyes and ears were opened in a new way. The song STILL brings tears to my eyes, but for many many good reasons. Susie is indeed someone who has changed me for good.

Christie - I had never even HEARD of Jack Johnson before a few months ago, but I have been smitten with his music ever since. He's got a laid-back, folksy sound about him, but yet he makes strong statements through his music. Christie comes across as very laid back, but she's very politically minded. I like that about her. and yet, unlike a LOT of political blogs out there, she presents her ideas and ideals in a respectful, factual and non-threatening way. Even if she doesn't agree with something, she has a way of doing so without ever getting nasty. like Jack Johnson, I feel that Christie makes me think.

anyways... there you have it. whew! that was pretty exhausting, and I have to say I'm glad more people didn't participate.

but next week... game on! I've got a few 'themes' in mind, so this could be fun to help pass the summer. tune in thursday night/friday morning to see what the next 'tape' topic will be!

in teh meantime.. keep rockin' it.

New York State of Mind

so yesterday the kids and I went to visit our friends in Brooklyn.

We weren't there LONG.... only a few hours. but it was a GOOD few hours. It's hard to put in to words the sense of happy and peace I get from seeing a friend that GETS ME and that I love so much. Even harder is when I only see that kind of friend once every other year or so (or longer).

Our children played well together. it was as if they were family.. just with less bickering.

Next week we continue the trip of never-ending-love and head up to see Susie and her boys. let the good times roll, I say!


to see more of the fun from yesterday... you can FINALLY check out my pictures on flickr. I know.. I'm slow. but I'm getting there.


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Soul Food

so my girlfriend was here for a visit. it was quick, but it was good.


I have much to post about.. like how just the littlest moments can fill your soul with so much goodness that you know you can make it through the next few months of WHATEVER.


about how DISPLACED I feel right now (meaning this stage of life.. not this very second right now)


about how even if a broken toe is no longer so swollen such that you can fit IN your high heels that it may not necessarily be the best idea to WEAR said heels.


about how I love that tv is back, and despite being irritated at grey's anatomy I'm still very excited to see that Addison will be making a return next week with SAUCY HOT dark hair. (go Kate Walsh!!) and how I do not have enough energy to watch Lost yet cause that show just confuses the shit out of me and I imagine I'll need a big assed cup of coffee to process that one. still haven't watched the office or betty yet, though. so no spoilers, please.


oh! and how I'm on PAGE ONE of google results for people looking for the definition of Revertigo!! I know.. lame.. but being one of the top go-to sources for revertigo and clusterfuck just makes me happy.


speaking of happy.. it's time for rhena's nap. and that... makes a momma very very happy.



have a great weekend, all. more posts to come next week.

Revertigo

ok.. anyone who knows me knows it's no secret that I love the show "how I met your mother".

this past week was a classic episode if there was one to be had. not only did it feature yet another Robin Sparkles video... but the gang explored a phenomenon known (ok.. writer-created) as "Revertigo".


Revertigo, essentially, is what happens to a person when they are around someone from their past. They revert back to their behavior during the time that they knew them. there were some fabulous examples of it during the show... I suggest you watch it if you haven't already.



I plan on having my own examples of revertigo tonight.

My girlfriend Jennifer just came in from jersey for a quick visit.... and tonight Troy is going to watch the kids so she and I can go out. I imagine I'll be a bit louder than normal.


growing up with Jen as a best friend really made me work on my personality. She, you see.. was (and still is) a very beautiful girl. She's tall... and well... all the guys used to (and still do) get stupid for her. Being the shortie that I am... I imagine some people used to see the pair of us like those old Chester and Spike cartoons.


Since my pairing with Troy, I noticed in those rare rare times I've gotten to go out with Jen, I get in that LOUD zone, where only I've converted my "look at me" energy into "look at HER" energy. I just tend to do so with smaller hair.

so anyways.. tonight should be fun. apologies now if any of you get and DWIs from me (dialing while intoxicated) and if you do... just ignore the accent. apparently another side effect of my revertigo is that I pick up regional accents.

"Hi, my name is Carrie, and I have never truly lost my jersey accent..."


happy HUMP day, gang.

Sweet!

ok.. I'm very excited. (and for once, it's not about food!!)


aside from the fact that my girlfriend from jersey is coming for a visit and will be here tomorrow night!! and we're going to get to go out to eat here.... (ok.. so maybe it's a LITTLE about food)


wait.. what was I saying?


OH!

yeah.. so Cathy over at Mine had done a post about end-of-year teacher gifts and the such. being a volunteer teacher, a DAUGHTER of a teacher, and just a mom who appreciates people who educate my children... I'm all about making sure the teachers in our life get recognized.


but what to do.. what to get?


I mean.. mugs? please. my mother could open a friggin COFFEE shop from the mugs she's gotten over the years. gift cards? good.. but kind of impersonal. I mean.... they guide my BABY!! ok.. perhaps a little dramatic there.. but I've mentioned earlier how I like to find the RIGHT gift.. well.. that is until I drop shit on my toe and all.

ANYWAYS.... a while back I had stumbled upon this website by chance. long story.. I was looking for ANOTHER website that turns kids' artwork into jewelry for a possible gift for my mom.. and found the kidoodle one instead.

insert victory smile here.... I exchanged e-mails and phone calls with the owner of Kidoodle Kreations, and she's going to turn a project that Rhena made in school into some stationary for her teachers. AND I'm going to get it within the next 2 weeks. apparently rhena's school ends in like mid-may??

Basically, what I did was scan this valentine's card that her teachers helped Rhena make for US.. crop it down, add a nice quote, and now it will become note cards for them. The roses are actually the side of rhena's fists dipped in paint. The quote.. in case you can't read it.. is one from Henry Adams: "A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." (except I changed it to she and her)

I can't wait to get the final product so we can wrap it up and give it to them. I HOPE they like it as much as I do. I'll let y'all know how everything turns out.

ugh. speaking of turning out.. gotta whip up a dinner and grade some papers for CCD tonight.


happy monday gang!

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forgive or forget it

so I was talking to my girlfriend today for a little while. apparently she and her boyfriend broke up over the weekend. she thinks. she's really not sure.

right now she's feeling hurt about the things that were said, and a bit confused because despite hurtful things that were said, he's being very sweet on her today.

it's all rather confusing, actually. or not, if you know my friend.


anyways. does she forgive him? are they broken up? what do I think about this e-mail he sent?

oiy.

something about either a - my age, or b- having 2 kids has made me have so very little energy for game playing.

I mean.. I heard her out, listened to the stress.. but when it was my turn, I told her point blank how I felt.

I asked her if she loved the guy and if she wanted things to work. (she said yes.) I told her that in any relationship.. one of love or of platonic nature... sometimes shit happens. sometimes... a person has other shit going on in life that causes them to inadvertently hurt the person or people they are closest to. sometimes one person hurts the other on purpose. when on the receiving end of the hurt.. you basically have 2 choices. you can either forgive the person and move on, or you can deem the hurt so heinous that the relationship is not salvageable to its original form. Assuming the hurtER is sorry for the hurt. also assuming we're not talking about physical abuse. mamma don't go for abusive relationships.

anyways. neither option is necessarily EASY... but in my own personal experience... having been on both ends of the spectrum here... taking the middle road just doesn't work. When you SAY you forgive someone... then do it. accept their apology and go about fixing things so it doesn't happen again. If the hurt is THAT BAD, and you're not willing to forgive.. then don't! Say the hurt is too bad and you are unable to forgive at this time, if ever.

It's that temptation to SAY you forgive, but carry a grudge or the hurt that sets up an imaginary realm of conditional forgiveness which will ultimately be more toxic to the relationship than the original misgiving.


Maybe this seems so black and white to me because my 2nd graders have the sacrament of Reconciliation during the year I teach. we teach these children that when we confess our sins and profess our true sorrow for having done them, that our God forgives us. He doesn't forgive us of our sins but hold a secret barometer that must be filled before we can be in good Graces again. Doing that would be equal to the apology followed by a "but..". you know the type.. "I'm sorry, but I had to do it." or.. ".. sorry, but it wasn't as bad as what you did to me!" it's like.. what's the point?


And don't mistake my words for claims of not being guilty of the conditional apology or forgiveness. I'm no God, that's for sure.. it's fucking HARD to truly forgive someone. It's also very hard to fess up when you're in the wrong and take accountability for your actions. I've done both. not truly forgiven someone and not given a true apology, that is.

when you give a true apology, it hurts to not be forgiven. But.. to give a true apology, be TOLD that you are forgiven, but constantly be TESTED or QUESTIONED or pushed off.. well, that hurts even more. I mean, sure.. after a hurt when trust has been broken, it takes a while to re-build that trust and love. completely understandable. But it's highly unfair to expect someone to be true to their word when your word is forgiveness and it's not really there. AND.. if this testing phase lasts too long, well, one might be likely to take the hint and just give up.

so I hope my girlfriend figures out what she wants to do, and soon. I know she loves him. she's in uncharted territory now because she has never loved a man like she loves him. I know she's confused and hurt, and depending on exactly what was said, she might not be willing to make nice right now. and I get that. there's definitely been times that I would have rather had Troy strung up by his balls on a barbed wire fence than play house with him. and I've held my grudges with him. thankfully, none of them have been long enough to dishearten him. if that ever happened, I doubt I'd be able to forgive MYSELF.

Difficult

So I noticed something interesting the other day.


I was writing out a birthday card for someone, and I noticed... hey... this writing thing is HARD.


I think I'm forgetting how to WRITE.


well.. not really, but seriously... I rarely write things out any more. I have never been (nor do I see myself being in the near future) a note-taker or list-maker. Paying bills? pretty much all online. Communication? e-mails, IMs, text messages and phone. I even do all my birthday invites for the kids on the computer. and christmas cards are all pre-printed and envelopes done on the computer, too.


this is definitely a symptom of the times.. but as I was addressing the card, I was thinking about how *I* like to receive mail. like REAL mail. an honest-to-goodness-I-took-the-time-to-show-you-I'm-thinking-of-you piece of mail. so as I put the stamp on the card to my friend, I hoped that she, too, would have a small joy on her birthday, knowing that effort was made to not only pick out a card for her, but to pause my day long enough to scribe a good wish.

and this is not to say that an e-mail, a genuine to-you-and-only-you email.. not a FWD!!! or FILL IN THE BLANKS!!! Again.. I'm not taking away from the time and effort it takes to compose a direct message through e-mail. I for sure find those more enjoyable than the mass forward or general addressing text messages.

oh, and to be clear.. I am not absolved of the forwards or general announcements. I do them, too.


but the hand-written note. I'm beginning to think it's a lost art. Ask anyone who gave my kids a Christmas gift and is still waiting for a thank you note. they'll tell you just how lost the art is on me. *sigh* but I digress.

So last night I started composing an e-mail to a dear friend of mine, and I stopped. I think I'm going to take pen to paper tonight and write out my hellos instead.

This little act might not change the world, and it certainly won't change MY daily habits. I'm still going to blog, still going to send e-mails, do my banking online, and the occasional text message will come from my old-school flip-phone. But it sure won't hurt if I spread a little sunshine before spring officially hits.

well, except my hand. given my penchant for gab and my lack of practice physically writing things out, I'm sure my hand will cramp up after half a page.... but that's another story.


_____________

today's inspiration? the soundtrack for Wicked. I finally got rhena to listen to a song from something OTHER than Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. (never mind that the song is from another broadway musical... I still consider it progress) Anyways... rhena finally changing up her music selection inspired me to think of things that I can still do (send notes to friends) but change it up a little. (write them by hand instead of e-mail) Hooray for little changes! Spring is on the way!

here come the troops!

ok.. so I kinda had a teeeeny bit of a breakdown last week.

I allowed myself a good cry or two on Friday (ok, it was more like 3 or 4) but still... who's counting.

the sheer act of crying and allowing a little pity party for myself was energizing and therapuetic. and then life was good again.


ok.. so maybe life got good again, because I actually got to see Troy and have a conversation with him. I have been BLESSED with good friends and a supportive family, and I really can't illuminate just how critical all of them are to my mental well-being in so many ways... but the biggest and most important outside influence on me is without a doubt Troy. When he and I are running seperate shifts or are away from each other for too long... I slowly start falling apart. Hard to admit that, being that I pride myself on how independant I am... but that man is so engrained in my mental and emotional infrastructure... I'd be a lying fool to ever say that I don't need him in my life.

so yeah. he came home on friday evening. before the kids' bedtimes. I finally exhaled.


then.. before I knew it.. things were good again. talked to my mom on saturday, and she said they decided they were going to come down for a visit. I KNOW my distressed state is what prompted the visit, and I tried to assure them that all was fine. but hey... where do you think I get my stubborness from? so they'll be here on wednesday. we're all pretty excited.


Sunday was the stuperbowl.. and we went to our neighbors' house. Chili was had, and it was so good. I gotta tell you.. those two have the LOCK DOWN on chili and cornbread. It was a very nice visit. rhena was beside herself to be at their house playing... *I* was beside myself to be out of the house and to be around other adults.. and even though danny did frizzle out about an hour into the game and we had to leave before halftime... it was very nice of them to have us over. again. good times.


tonight is CCD... and troy's planning on coming home to watch the kids. !!! I still know not to hold my breath until he actually calls and says he's on his way.. but I know that he'll try to make it happen.


and tomorrow!!! DATE NIGHT!!! My girlfriend is going to babysit for us, and Troy and I are going to start on our new year's resolution of hitting at least 6 of charlotte's top restaurants this year. A new place opened up here in town, and since wednesday starts lent, I'm gonna have my own personal Fat Tuesday.


ooh.. speaking of FAT... weighed in this morning. AGAIN only point-six pounds down. I totally know that I should have been down more, but in addition to the chili and cornbread and potato chips... I also had some espresso brownies and oreo cheesecake yesterday. and AGAIN I'm constipated.


I'm convinced it's my shitty binge-eating that wrecks my digestive tract on the weekends, and stops my ass up. I should switch my weigh-in day to like wednesday. I'm usually my lowest weight on wednesdays and thursdays. oh well. I still lost this week. annnnd... snicker snicker.. troy GAINED weight!!! so I win DOUBLE this week.

I couldn't think of anything creative as a prize this week, so stuck with the massage theme. BUT.... because I lost and troy gained.. he owes double. so now I get TWO half-hour massages. sweet.

so there you have it.

hope everyone had a good weekend.

Newness

soooo.. with my post yesterday about the month closing and me discarding some habits (or at least trying to) it would only be fair for me to mention that September is bringing some newness to the world.


Today marks the anniversary of my dear friend Susie giving birth to her oldest son, Liam. so today.. Liam begins another year of life. I Heart Liam (yes.. with a big assed RED capital H) and on many levels I'm joking about how he and rhena need to get married.... but you KNOW that I'm also kinda serious. I love Liam, I love his momma, I love his daddy (in a 'you're the husband of my dear friend' kind of way), and I love his lil brother Seamus.. even though we haven't officially met yet. Rhena digs him, too, so there really is a chance we can get those two paired up... but even if my daughter turns out completely like me and will abandon all of her mother's wishes just to make a point of doing her own thing... I will still love me some Liam.

so happy birthday, Liam. I'm so proud of you for learning how to master the potty, for being so protective of the people and dogs you love the most, and for being thoughtful and sweet and charming and just knowing the right time to smile, period. keep being a good boy, ok?



and in other news... we're getting the house painted. no.. not the outside... the INSIDE. we're very excited about the new feel our home will have... and I'm just tickled cause it'll make cleaning up after vomiting bunco girls SO MUCH EASIER. but yeah. exciting.


I may even get off my ass (or I suppose this time it would mean SIT on my ass long enough at the computer) to do up a new blog template, too. cause it's fall, and september, and you know... newness. we'll see.


happy September, everyone.. and again.. happy birthday, Liam!

in the wee small hours of the morning

Danny was up early today.

I'm not going to get into how I'm really really trying to teach him that it's ok to sleep through the night right now, cause that's just a sad sad topic. period.


Anyway.. he was up at 6am, so I decided to hit the streets.

we got a good 20 minute walk in, and while I have to clock the mileage, I think we did a little over a mile and a half. not bad. definitely a good way to get the blood pumping for the day. oh, and to burn off the big-assed sandwich, beer, and two cookies I had for dinner the night before.


it's interesting what a different place stepford is in the morning. It's so quiet. I love it!


no screaming kids, no gossiping hens, no toothpaste commercial smiles on every corner with their perfectly practiced queen's waves.

don't get me wrong.. I actually do like the elements of stepford that make it, well.. stepford. I ENJOY the friendliness and sense of community... the warm and welcoming smiles, the friendly banter...

but I also like to be left alone occasionally. especially after a long night of screaming and crying. actually gives me a chance to think.


so today I was thinking about friends. Granted, I've been thinking about them for a while now, but this morning, I was thinking about certain friends that I haven't seen in a while, then I started thinking about some friends that have been around the whole time.


it's funny how you can have friends that things are always good with, others that you kinda get into a rut and go on auto-pilot, then others still that were always kind of there all along, but recently you realize just how very similar you are with them and you wonder why in hell you're not at their house right now drinking coffee.

but I guess in some respects, the friendships I have and maintain are just reflections of my own life as it has its ups and downs. ... and the wheels go round and round....


ok. that's enough babble. I guess I'm just saying that it was a nice walk this morning. Nicer still when I got home and was able to unstrap the Moose from my chest. you don't think about what a difference losing 20 pounds is until you strap it on, have it bounce around for 20 minutes. Hard to realize I had that much extra bouncing around for about 7 YEARS. yikes!



happy friday, gang!

pulse point

yeah, yeah... I'm still here.


good news, Susie had her baby boy last Friday... all is well. We here at the Fever are totally in love already, and we haven't even met him yet!

Seamus Daniel.

(that's pronounced Shay-mus, for all you non-Irish folk out there)

congrats to my Lovah and her entire family. Truly, they are blessed.



ok. moving on.

Camp "Keep the panties dry" is thriving. there have been many many funny sayings these last few weeks alone, and I almost wish I had written them down. However, given Rhena's insistence of just how "berry punny" she is, I don't think we're at the end of her off-the-cuff remarks. I almost think I need to start another blog entitled "Actually..." where the entries would all consist of her sayings.

but that's an ALMOST. cause doing so would require more work on my part, and in case you can't tell.. I'm not exactly pumping out the writing over here these days. so yeah. almost.


I've been missing things lately. and not the missing things like last year when rhena would hijack things from my vanity drawer and hide them.. I mean people.

My friends. I really REALLY miss my friends.


BTW---- Debbie J--- seeking an echo, momma. e-mail me your number in colorado... please!


I've been so busy with trying to get through each day that I've once again disappeared off the map. And the only thing that I can honestly say I've gained is the insight as to why everyone nags couples about when they're going to have kids.

I THINK.. and I could be wrong.. but I THINK the reason why so many people (read as 'established couples with children of their own') constantly badger other people (read as 'single people or newly formed-slash-newly-married-but-still-no-kids-couples) about when they will have kids is not because they love a good baby story.. it's cause they're looking to absolve some of their own GUILT!!

people... I've become a REAL ASSHOLE. I am SO CONSUMED with my own life, that I have NOT been a good friend. I've missed birthdays, weddings, graduations, parties, housewarmings... you name it. but a-hah!!! when the 'miss-ee' has children.. THEY UNDERSTAND why you're a total fart-knocker and haven't been around on the regular. Most of the time, cause they've been there/done that/still doing that themselves, and realize that when you only get 15 minutes of silence a day between the hours of 6:30am and 7pm (wait, no.. baby's crying again.. ok... 8pm.. oh, wait, no.. there he goes again, shit.. make that NINEpm) anyways.. when free time is limited...it's understandable when you miss shit.

So to all of the two readers I have out there that haven't been scared off by my redundant tales of mommy-dom... just know that if someone asks you when you're having kids.. it's most likely cause they feel like a jackass for forgetting you, and want you to have kids to even the score a little.


well, except me. it's no secret that I've been missing shit cause my head has been up my ass for a while now. And I really do love a good baby story.


hope all is well, everyone. I need to go fishing under the couch for some lost toys. and maybe my sanity. I know it's got to be around here SOMEWHERE.

SO close!

Tomorrow... the wait is over.


My dear friend and lovah, Susie is FINALLY going to have her baby boy.


In my time around the track, I have made many many good friends. And I'm not talking the kind of 'good friends' you have that hook you up with discounts or good seats or throw sweet Christmas Socials with grand prizes every year. I'm talking about the friends that send you day-by-day pill cases when you can't stop throwing up and just spent half your check on prescription meds. I'm talking about the kind that you know and hold in your heart, and of course, the kind that have seen you in your pyjamas crying about how just so very fucking tired you are about the topic de jour, and they didn't head for the hills.


Friendships like that are great. Knowing that there's another person or people in the world (besides your mom) that truly support you and validate your existence really make for a good time. The thing about that level of friendship, though, is that sometimes shit isn't so good. Having that kind of friendship and BEING that kind of friend right back means that sometimes you have to witness hurt, sorrow, anguish... and not be able to do a damn thing about it.


My friend Susie and her husband Dan had a long and difficult road in their attempts to become pregnant with their second child. I won't re-capture that journey here, but I can say that it was a difficult road for me as well. Being the friend of someone trying to conceive was not a new thing to me, but there was certainly an extra ache knowing that we started trying around the same time, and month after month as my child grew, my dear friends were at a stalemate. I can't imagine the heaviness THEY must have felt trying to be supportive of me.


But all of that is in the past. (Well, not really... I still have some friends that are TTC... )

BUT.. for Susie and Dan... it is in the past. Tomorrow, they will have another son. His name is still a big secret to the world, but if I listen closely, I'm sure his name is already in my heart.... after all, he HAS been a resident there since before he was conceived.


My thoughts and prayers are with Susie, Dan, and Big Brother Liam as they await the birth of their bundle of joy. We love you!!!

Feeling Itchy

well... I had a feeling this day would come, and sure enough.... it did today.


there has been scuttlebutt around the streets of Stepford, and most especially at the recent Bunco gatherings of someone hosting a toy party.


a sex toy party.


I just got my invitation this morning, and I have to tell you... the whole idea makes me feel itchy. ok, ok... I'm sure many (if not MOST) of you are wondering what the problem is with someone throwing one of those sex toy parties. To be completely honest... I don't find anything wrong with someone HAVING one of those parties... I just have major issues with the idea of ATTENDING one.


I mean.. let's face it.. I'm not single anymore... (not that I ever had sex before I got married, mom and dad....) and as much as I enjoy my neighbors... these ladies are NOT my girlfriends. I mean... I don't discuss my marital sex life with these women.. why in hell would I want to purchase an accessory for it in front of them???


I guess it goes back to my little barometer I have when it comes to friends. There's the kind of 'friends' that you would allow to see you without a bra, the kind that you let come bathing suit shopping with you, the kind you can get drunk in front of, the kind you talk about your husband with, and finally... the ultimate level of trust in friendship.... the kind you would go to vegas with.


so... being that only a few of them even qualify for the no-bra level, you can imagine my apprehension for browsing things I would use wearing LESS than my bra.

and of course... if I've said it before, I've said it 100 times. I have issues. my brain??? it's one of those things that just does NOT shut off. the visuals keep coming no matter WHAT I do to cover my eyes. Think that part of Fight Club when Tyler is splicing in pornographic images into kids' movies. it's as perverse as it is horrific. This is about as best I can do to describe the visuals my brain conjures when I think of knowing what toys my neighbors are buying for use with their husbands.

insert itchy feeling here.


seriously... I've MET these women's husbands. and while there is no way I want to be thinking of the bunco girls themselves naked.... I SURE as hell don't want to picture them doing it with their husbands. then to add an element of kink??? my eyes burn just thinking about it.


so no. I do not think I will be attending the party thursday night. I'll be bleaching my skin that night.

Back

Given the amount of time it's been since my last post, I should PROBABLY have a really long post stored up in my head... but to be completely honest... there's not much of ANYTHING up there these days.

I've been a complete DUMBASS lately when it comes to the calendar. seriously.. you could probably hold a big one right in front of my face and I'd still get the date wrong.. it's been that bad!!! I attribute that to having been on the road for the past two weeks, but really that's just an excuse. The bottom line is that I have been having severe focus issues. prehaps Rhena is rubbing off on me??

so anyways.. I've been on the road for the past two weeks. We took a trip up to jersey to visit the family, and it was long overdue. My neice and Godchild made her first communion (which, as you may guess.. to a CCD teacher like me is pretty awesome shit!). Other highlights from the trip include getting to see my cousin Rachie and her daughter, seeing my grandmother and Aunt Ann, Danny cutting a tooth, drinking some wine (!!!!!) with my best friend one night, and taking a mini-trip up to boston area to see my dear friend Susie, who is due with her second baby in a few weeks.

Lowlights were getting a flat tire on my way BACK from the boston area, NOT seeing my girlfriend Jody and her new baby girl, rhena waking up every day at about 5am, danny SCREAMING for a total of about 5 driving hours, and of course... having to say goodbye.

I probably COULD go into great detail of the trip, but one tone resonates through this echoing head of mine.. and that is that I am such a blessed person. I have a great family that loves me... and friends I cannot imagine being without.

and I guess that's all that really matters in the end, right? here are a few pics; enjoy. more to come soon.

1 forward, 2 back, and Easter Again

so I'm sloooooowly trying to get this blog organized. not that it could ever REALLY be organized, cause after all.. this is a reflection of my brain, and anyone who's anyone knows what a mess THAT is!!!!


anyways.. I'm trying to do that categorizing thing for all my back posts. I figure that with every new post I create, I ought to go back and at LEAST find 'homes' for 2 older posts. and eventually, I'll get my favorite links back up on the sidebar. Of course, EVENTUALLY I'll get a full night's sleep, too... but let's not be talking crazy talk, shall we??



so yeah. yesterday was Easter. we had Twinkie and her husband and son over for dinner which was really nice. I called it an East-over dinner, being that they're Jewish, and still working the Passover action til sundown tonight. Being as good a friend as I can be.. I looked up rules for keeping Kosher (no pork!!! no dairy on meats!!! no flour!!!) and came up with a dish that they could eat while troy and I gorged ourselves on ham, kielbasa and pierogies.

(did I mention that when my folks were here we made 31 dozen pierogies???? probably not, cause that was during the 'time of silence' at the Fever... anyways.. we ate some, and daaaammmnnn they are good!!!)

So it was a nice day. the kids ran around like nuts outside looking for eggs in our uncut grass. so glad when they reached down to pick up something that it actually WAS an egg, and not some southern-bred creature that lives in lawns that need mowing. I think the best part of the day was when the kids were sitting on the back porch, going through their eggs, and Rhena turns to Ross and said, "Happy Ass-over, Wahssie!" I think I got her on video saying it later. but too funny. happy ass-over.


On the subject of candy--- over the course of the day, Rhena ate entirely too much of it. actually, she ate entirely too much candy times TWELVE. cause seriously... the kid doesn't get much sweets. (artificial preservatives and a good helping of ice cream here and there maybe, but x-nay on the sugary shit)

But it being Easter.. we made an eggsception. (get it?? EGG-sception??? oh, I slay!) Granted... most of her basket was full of all things Thomas-related... but we did throw her a bone and gave up some goods. so by the time we even GOT to church... the first few pieces of PEZ had kicked in, and Rhena was to be damned if Thomas and Percy weren't coming in with us. fine fine.. you choose your battles, right???


anyways.. a jelly bean here, a pez candy there... and yes.. troy let her have chocolate. Add in the sheer delight of having company, and she was more wired than Thomas Edison.


a scream-fest ensued when she was told it was bed-time, and she insisted she couldn't go because she NEEDED more candy... pweeeeeeese???? (that was a no)

finally, after some prayers and songs and before she slipped into that sugar coma oh so deep.... she lolled her head to me and asked if we could "do easter again you think???"


yeah... we can do it again. Just maybe next year with a little less candy.