Good for the Heart

So I found out today that my dad has a blockage in his heart and will need surgery. that kind of blows. I mean, YAY.. it's good on many levels that he's at least seeing a doctor, and they are taking an interest in procedures to you know.. keep him alive. that part I like.

I don't like thinking of the fact that I am getting to the age where my friends' parents are dying. Just last week another one of my friends from high school lost her father. and I definitely don't like the idea of my dad needing surgery. for whatever good it may create.. it doesn't mean I like the idea that he needs it, period. it makes my heart heavy, and don't even get me started about how I can even imagine functioning when the day comes that one of my parents pass away. I start going there and I turn into an emotional wreck... THEN I start thinking about how Rachel is gone and Lindsay doesn't even KNOW the ways she misses Rachel yet. fuuuuuuuuuuck. "hello, psychiatric hotline?? yes, Carrie here... please send the meds... yes... I've gone THERE again..."

The walk is this weekend. I haven't been doing NEARLY as much chatter/fundraising/awareness raising as I normally do. I don't know why that is... it's no less important to me this year than previous years.... Maybe I'm getting to the second stage of things? like with Rhena.. when I was pregnant, and after she was born, I would post about pretty much anything. The monster moved!! I had the craps today!! It's a she!!! SHE had the craps today! etc etc etc.

When I was pregnant with Danny, I didn't feel the need to shout out every detail to whomever would listen. instead, I maintained a quiet, peaceful relationship with the being within. ok, so the fact that he made me puke just about every damn day DID warrant some conversations, but with moosey-- it's always been just... there. not showy, not nearly as public as Rhena... just.. there.

I kind of feel that way now about the walk. It's still necessary for me to be there, and there's things I certainly don't hide about the walk... but it's just... THERE. in my heart, on my mind, part of who I am and what I do... it's just there.

and I'm SO glad the walk is here again. I need to be there. I need to see the hope, the healing, the LIVES that still ARE because people are donating and people are fighting and changes are happening in medicine. THAT'S the kind of shit that's good for MY heart.

think pink, gang. and thanks to any and all of you who made a donation this year, in the past, or will be making one soon.

Dear Rachel

Hi Rachie.


I don't know if you can hear me, feel me, or anything along those lines... but I'm gonna take the chance that you can.

Tomorrow's your birthday. I've been thinking about it for a while, and it's been coming and coming, and already.. wow... here it is.

and you're not going to be older than me.

I'm not here to make YOU feel bad... but damn sam and ten cases of shit fever.... I never thought there'd be an August 25th that I didn't get to remind you that you'll always be older than me.

fuck, dude. you're not HERE.

I suppose that's it in a nutshell. typical me.. self centered. But I miss you. I really do. I read Rob's updates on facebook and I get sad. I see Rhena do something cool and my heart breaks for Lindsay.

I feel guilty for missing you as much as I do, because again, I think about Rob and Lindsay and your parents and Sean. SEAN! can you believe he's getting married? SEAN! little baby Sean... fucking crazy, I tell you.

Anyways... Tomorrow, I'm going to TRY to celebrate your BIRTHday... and the 36 years after August 25th that you LIVED (and were still older than me.. hah!) I'm going to remember you, I'm going to celebrate you, and I'm going to talk about you to anyone who'll listen, and try to get anybody and everybody to donate some money so someday cancer is something people read about in history books. Tomorrow I will try to laugh. (or giggle and snort) I will secretly throw powder at people. I will say 'shit' when I'm not supposed to. I will blame someone else for something mischievous. and just for the hell of it, I'm going to strip in my room.

Yes.. tomorrow.. I will celebrate you, Rachel.

but tonight, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to miss you.

something

some times i feel like I just want to write. about anything, nothing.. the same shit, different shit, the fact that I took THREE shits yesterday (true story), but just SOMETHING.

other times.. which is usually MOST of the time... I've got nothin'. well, no.. that's not true. there's ALWAYS something going on.. this is the "apollo" after all....

but who wants to hear my dribble? especially when i should be folding laundry? or finishing up the shit I owe Troy for my Stepford site?

I suppose if you're reading this, there's some part of you that IS interested in my dribble. or you're looking for a reason to laugh at me. there's usually a few morsels of asshat behavior to go around in here, so i can understand that.

but yeah... I've been blogging more or less now for what.. 5 years? still don't consider myself a BLOGGER. and apparently i still wonder why people even read this here page. (again.. the occasions to point and laugh not withstanding.) hate all the blogitics with kissing this one's ass and being that one's reader. screw that! I don't even follow TV celebrities.... forget about following normal people who blog!

nonetheless... I still hear about things. call it third party exposure, background noise, or just perhaps newsworthy shit comes your way. like that whole brad-jennifer-angelina mess. like.. i don't even know who's with who or why or even CARE.. but i know enough to know they're all connected.

so needless to say, I've been at a loss lately now even with twitter. apparently, there's been a slew of babies of people who twit that have died within the past week or so. FUCK ME RUNNING. seriously. I can't go there. I mean.. I'm still trying to function from an ADULT dying... never mind take on the emotional hell of thinking about babies passing away.

don't get me wrong.. I find it horrible and tragic and gut-wrenchingly sad... I appreciate and respect the sentiments that are going around, and the visual displays of empathy and support are more than likely very healing to those hurting the most. I have already said a few prayers for the families that are suffering, and they will most likely not be the last ones I say.

but I'm just not strong enough to take that on. And maybe that's harsh, but for the pure simple sake of our family's financial state, MY emotional state, and wanting to have SOME semblance of HAPPY left in me to give to my own children... I gotta put the blinders on.

and I KNOW that's the right thing.. the blinders... cause again... how much can I take on before it begins to take away from the ones who need me the most??? but then I feel a little guilty. like I SHOULD be doing something. as a mother! as a Christian!! as a decent person who has a moral sense!!!

so yeah.. there's a TEENY bit of guilt there that I'm not leaving comments and turning things purple in memory of someone's dead child. but my truth remains that if Rhena or Danny were to die? the entire fucking WORLD could turn purple and it wouldn't matter to me.

it just wouldn't. it would be too late.


_________

my prayers go out to those of you who are suffering from the loss of a loved one. my only hope is that those of my readers with whom I have a personal relationship with will always know in their hearts the love and support I have for them.

FOR YOU, I will dye my entire body a color to ease your suffering. I will make my daughter stay dressed for once, I will make donations, I will bake cookies and ask strangers to do strange things. I would most likely do much more, but don't want to make suggestions cause a good percentage of you may actually make me follow through on these offerings.

for my own family, I would define the word limitless.

but I will not... CAN NOT... allow death to be a starting point. forgive me for that, but I prefer to be part of your LIVES.

Happy Easter

From our family to yours... Happy Easter!

Really Rosie

Last night, in the kids' pre-bed dance party, Troy had taken the lead while I could stay downstairs for a few minutes to ensure that the gagillion shows we watch were going to be properly recorded.

When I came upstairs, Carol King was BLARING some Chicken Soup with Rice. To add to the ambiance, the lights were out,and the kids were flickering their $1 barnyard animal flashlights and busting moves like only white people can do.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it was just the end of a really long and crappy day... but something about hearing Carol King just made me tear up. I wouldn't have said the tears were from joy or sadness... but it truly was this escape of emotion as I just sat, watched, and allowed myself to BE.

I LOVED Really Rosie growing up. I STILL love that soundtrack. What I love even more is seeing Rhena and Danny totally JAM to it, too. I don't think they're at the age where they can really just dive IN to the music and pretend they're there on Avenue P... but maybe.


My folks had gotten me the nutshell library some time back. It's one of my favorite collections. TINY little things... but the memories! I love them. A few times a year, I'll sneak away to my closet and flip through the books. it's so hard to even begin to describe the connection I have with those books... you just have to take my word for it. but it's good.


If you're at ALL familiar with the Really Rosie characters or Maurice Sendak, grew up in the 70's in the NYC metro area, or just plain looking for something cool to share with your kids... then the nutshell library, the soundtrack, the book, and any and all of the associated stuff is just awesome. Though.. truth be told... those nutshell library books are NOT for toddler hands. at least not Danny's. he could probably EAT the damn books if he wanted. Yes.. I would have much rathered.. as a parent... to see them in board books.


and also? I picked up another one of Sendak's books, In the Night Kitchen, one time when we were in the bookstore a year or two ago. hmph. I'd forgotten just how very NAKED the main character, Mickey, gets. and how very DETAILED the illustrations are.


anyways... enough of my reminiscing. It was, is, and I hope will CONTINUE to be a good time sharing things from my childhood with the kids. kinda like when Rhena recently saw the Little Mermaid for the first time, and I was able to pretty much quote every line in the movie. She was looking at me like I was some CHAMPION GOD descendant with inside secrets of Disney. hah. little does she know. LITTLE does she know, I say! But back to my point. That Carol King. I'm telling you.... she gets me every time.



"Believe me!"

Wisdom

I was asked to do a reading at my cousin Rachel's funeral. In continuation of my inability to put my feelings into words, I offer these thoughts:


A reading from the Book of Wisdom:

The just man, though he die early,
shall be at rest.
For the age that is honorable comes not
with the passing of time,
nor can it be measured in terms of years.
Rather, understanding is the hoary crown for men,
and an unsullied life, the attainment of old age.
He who pleased God was loved;
he who lived among sinners was transported -
Snatched away, lest wickedness pervert his mind
or deceit beguile his soul;
For the witchery of paltry things obscures what is right
and the whirl of desire transforms the innocent mind.
Having become perfect in a short while,
he reached the fullness of a long career;
for his soul was pleasing to the LORD,
therefore he sped him out of the midst of wickedness.
But the people saw and did not understand,
nor did they take this into account.



___________________


Make a difference. Visit Rachel's Memorial Page, or my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer page.

Still no words

The words still escape me.

Rachel's wake will be Tuesday, and the funeral will be Wednesday.


I didn't think I could handle the drive today, so I will be leaving tomorrow.

In the meantime, I would like to extend my thanks to so many of you who have reached out to ME during this time. I feel guilty in receiving such an outpouring of love, because TRULY... my emotional needs PALE in comparison to what Rachel's surviving husband and daughter must need.


Please take a moment to visit this site that has been set up as a memorial for Rachel. SO MANY of you have already contributed to the Avon Walk at my request, and that itself is such a tribute to women and families like Rachel. Please do not feel obligated to donate to Rachel's fund... but if you could spare a kind word? There is a 'notes' section, and while Rachel herself may not be able to read the sentiments left... we as her friends and family can. More importantly, Rob and Lindsay can.

http://therachelswanfund.org/


Thank you all again. your compassion and kind words have truly been a grace to me during these sad, sad days.

Lost

I just got a call from my mom.

My cousin Rachel entered the hospital this morning. The doctors are not hopeful, and it may only be a matter of time at this point.


I really have no words at this point. just please... keep her, her husband Rob, and her 4 year old daughter Lindsay in your prayers.


________________

edited to add:

Rachel passed away this afternoon. I'm sure I will post more at a later date... but for now, know she is finally free from cancer. Amen, and rest in peace, Rachie.

SO MUCH going on!

Well, it's Saturday.... and there's lots going on in these parts.


First up... I'm still taking song suggestions for this week's Mix Tape. It's the last week, so it'd be nice to have a good turnout. if you haven't already.. go play!

Second... I'm hosting a CONTEST over at Crumbles..... looking for names for my newest Happy Jane creation. I'll be taking comments all week, then put them to a panel of judges for a vote. Winner gets a free batch of Happy Janes made especially for them... can you say YUMMY? so go check it out, do some thinking, and take a chance!


This afternoon... troy and I will be taking the kids to Carowinds.... we're doing the after-4pm route.. cause 1 - it's cheaper, 2 - the kids have attention spans of GNATS... so no use paying the full amount for a few hours. Plus factor in the BALL ASS HEAT we have here, and it does help to wait til the later parts of the day.


Speaking of Troy.... While his spine/neck still seems to be slipped (read MANGLED).. the pain has been dissipating some. Not that I actually know this for sure.. but he seems to be less and less cranky these days. so hoorah for that!


ALSO.. my husband is slowing joining the world of technology. ODD, as all the man does is web developing and boring stuff like that. He just joined Twitter... so if you're interested in C++ java java DLL to the ICP in sequel formation (or whatEVER in hell that crap means) go check him out. Or if you know someone else who twits about that stuff.... send them troy's way. (ps.. secretly loving what a rookie troy is in a computer-related thing. HAH)


alright.

time for me to pack some bags so that I may smuggle some snacks into amusement central. oh.. and did I tell you I got my new glasses??? very funky. They match my roots. which, NO.. is not a good thing. but at least I can laugh. I do like the glasses though.


alrighty... have a great weekend!

Gone but not forgotten

hey gang.


sorry I've been scarce in these parts lately and around the internet. As I said earlier, my folks are here, and I've been busy.... surviving.

surviving isn't really the best word, though. I was BARELY surviving before they got here. Since my folks' arrival, I have finally gotten a chance to regroup just enough to man up and get shit done around here.

last week we had Rhena's nose cauterized. anyone that knows my child knows she has been getting severe nosebleeds since like.. BIRTH. we go through phases where she doesn't have many, but then we ALSO go through phases where our house and her clothing typically resemble some crime scene. so despite not wanting to put her through any ordeal... we decided it would be better than many more years of having to stop what she's doing with whomever she's with so she can tend to the red fountain above her mouth. The process was gut wrenching for me. but more on that later.

we made THREE attempts to get Troy an MRI (yes I said three... his spine is jacked up and despite being on 3 different pain meds and taking a valium, he has been unable to lay down for the hour-long test.) we just added some oral steroids to the mix, though... so we're hoping to try again on saturday.

we've been making pierogies (yesterday completed 13 dozen potato ones), dealing with moosey's clockworkingly predictable tantrums, eye doctor appointments for me (since I ripped my last contact and have been wearing 4 yr old glasses for 2 weeks).. and you know.. just regular tomfoolery that comes with the folks visiting.


on a POSITIVE note... I really do know that my folks being here has helped me get everything done. Them being able to watch one or both kids so I can get some things done with complete attention has been a GRACE. I actually feel stronger than I did a week ago. ok.. a little constipated (haven't crapped since saturday. WTF???) but stronger for sure.

I was allowed to do a guest post over at Mama Ginger Tree's House. so that was cool. go on over and say hello!!!

The cancer walk??? have you been over there lately? We're currently standing at OVER $1100 dollars in donations. This is so amazing.. and I can't thank you enough!!!! Some of you have e-mailed me and asked when the donations have to be in by... I believe we have up until just before the walk, so October. I KNOW you can find $5 by October!!!! please donate if and what you can!!! because really.. every dollar does count!

I'm currently working on a pitch for a local place in which I'm going to try to convince them to host a fundraising event for the walk. strike that. I AM going to find a place to host an event... and I have one place in mind.. just hoping they'll see my vision. I'll share more when I have everything official.

alright. I ought to put this thing away and prepare for another day of pierogies. we still have more potato to make, then we move on to the kapusta. I've been taking pictures, so will have a post next week of the whole process.

OH!!! so important!!!! I need some suggestions!!!


part of my 'pitch' to the bar/restaurant includes featuring a drink (one that can be alcoholic, AND have a non-alcoholic version available that's at least semi-similar)

anyways.. I'm looking for a drink to suggest. I want to call it "The Pink Ribbon Rock Star"


My first instinct is pomegranate, raspberry vodka, and 7-up....

I've done martinis where I've mixed keylime sparkling water with pom juice and raspberry vodka, and those are refreshing... but I'm looking for something new and GOOD. PLEASE share any recipes you just love... preferably ones with a pinkish hue. I've heard lots of you talk about blueberry vodka. so hit me with some ideas, gang!!!


ok. pierogies are calling. I'll post more as I can. but for sure will be back ont he regular next week.

oh, and SORRY about the mix tape last week. oops. I'll make a point to schedule a topic for friday this week... so for sure check back so we can get our music on!!!

Hurricane Alley

I suppose that isn't the best title given all the weather issues the gulf states are having....


but what I mean to say is that today is going to be a busy day for the Fever.


My folks are currently en route.... and while this makes every clock in my house look a little larger and tick just a tweensy bit louder..... and every little mess seem to have magically GROWN overnight.... yes.. while this means I will be as busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest today (and please notice I DID say MAN.. cause you KNOW any one-legged WOMAN in an ass-kicking contest could do THAT, drink coffee, AND write thank you notes and pay bills at the same time....)


so yeah. me? busy. but very excited.



excited to have the folks come so we can hang out and just BE. oh, and of course, the free babysitting should not go unmentioned. I'm for SURE gonna pimp them out so I can go to dinner and maybe a movie with troy. and you know.. get some basic stuff done like GO TO THE EYE DOCTOR SO I CAN STOP WEARING THESE OUT OF DATE GLASSES.


Did I not mention that yet?

oh yeah.. TOTALLY ripped the shit out of my contact, irritated my eye to no end.. and yeah.. no more back-up contacts.


anyways. today we're gonna hustle to get this place in tip-top company ready shape. and get creamer. I'm drinking my coffee this morning with danny's whole milk cause I'm out of creamer. If you know me in any capacity... this substitute for me is just about the same as ordering a fillet Mignon in a steak house, and getting a White Castle burger instead.

exactly.

alright... have a great day, gang.


and listen.. if you HAVEN'T made a donation yet??? PLEASE go to my page. EVERY dollar counts, and every PERSON on that honor roll offers a new surge of hope for SO MANY FAMILIES. Don't believe me? check out any one of the +2500 pages of the tribute book.

Just FINE

"fine" is a very powerful word.


Last week, Danny's pediatrician told me that while he's probably 'fine', she believed she saw a growth of some sorts in his right nostril.

clearly, when the word 'fine' is said AFTER the word 'probably', and spoken by your child's doctor, the word 'fine' does not make a mother feel so. As a matter of fact, it made THIS mother sick. like puked 3 different times SICK. and it made for a long week of repeating the word FINE with actions that did not necessarily match the intent.


For example, despite my telling friends and family that we were 'fine'.. ok, that *I* was fine, and I was sure DANNY was just fine... our friends and family did not listen. I was hugged, I received phone calls, I received e-mails. and yet, I was also given enough space for those who love me the most understand that sometimes 'fine' means very very fragile, and pushing too hard might cause me to not just break, but shatter into a thousand little pieces.

Yes.. sometimes "fine' means that a person does not want to talk about it. FINE meant that for a few times this week.

Sometimes, when a random woman is in a food store asking about Brisket to the butcher, sometimes telling that woman that a particular cut of beef would be fine for making brisket... well, sometimes that causes said woman to erupt into tears. And when that woman starts crying, it's perfectly fine to tell her that she's fine, and just patiently wait til she stops crying so you can calmly and slowly tell her step-by-step how to cook the brisket. Because in those cases when things clearly AREN'T fine.. it's nice to act like they are.. and you know.. that the woman isn't a total freak.


Sometimes, when a wife tells a husband that it's fine that he can not attend their son's appointment, she's really not happy. like wants to shove a golf club up his ass not happy. but MAKES it fine because she is strong enough to be both parents when she has to.


This morning, a specialist told me that Danny was "fine". It was like I was hearing the word for the very first time.... or at least the first time I took it for what it meant.


__________________

turns out what was believed to be a polyp in Danny's right nostril was actually just a small scratch or cut. our pediatrician mistook scab issue for a growth and aired on the side of caution by recommending a specialist to have a look. We were given some saline gel and care instructions, and all should be clear within a few weeks.


much love and thanks to any and all who have offered prayers, notes of love and support, the calls, cards, etc. you are all so special to us, and we appreciate how quickly and wholly you offered your hearts.

again.. thank you.

three kisses

every day, I kiss rhena and danny about 50 times. maybe more, but you get the idea. I give them a LOT.


I can't imagine going a day without my lovin's from my babies. They truly are a part of not only my daily routine, but my daily existence.

However.. like everything, they shall grow up and more than likely (God willingly.... PLEASE) move out and move on. I also know that some day *I* won't be around anymore (God willingly.. PLEASE) when I'm very (very VERY?) old and die.


So today, while I can... meaning while they'll allow it and while I'm alive to do so... I give them at least three kisses. One for a day that they weren't in MY life, one for the day that they ARE, and one for a day that I won't be in theirs.

I know it's a bit twisted and slightly morbid... but it works for me. of course, at the rate I give these kids kisses, they SHOULD be set with a kiss a day 'in the bank' til they are about 130 years old. I figure what with technology the way it is, it doesn't hurt to play it safe and have a few extra.


---------------

on a side (but not lesser) note; today is my mom's birthday. Happy birthday to a woman, a mom, and a friend that has given ME enough love and kisses to last me until I'm 130..... and beyond. I love you.

Summer of Love

so it's either a GOOD thing or a BAD thing that I haven't blogged in so long.





BAD, cause I've been doing a lot of stuff that I should have blogged about.... but GOOD, I suppose, cause I've been doing a lot of stuff and haven't had time/energy to blog.





either way.





here at the fever, we have been experiencing the summer of LOVE. love love love, I tell you! We spent a good three weeks up in jersey, in which time we were able to see a large number of friends and family.





Each trip/visit was good in its own right. how VALIDATING to be surrounded by people you love and love you right back. When I was at susie's, the best term I can think of to describe how I felt was 'unplugged'. no tensions, no stress... (ok, maybe a TEENY bit when my kids were screaming and when we allowed our 3 year olds to sleep in the same room "cause you know what, momma? I've never sweeped in We-um's room before and we are just good friends and I am going to sweep in his wittle bed and we are going to have so much fun cause I've never sweeped over his house before..." (and so on and so on) and that first night took a TEENY bit longer than normal to get the kids actually settled and sleeping.) but seriously. no stress. there were comfortable silences, there was no urge for hoopla. ok, maybe an ass-grab here and there... but it was just a coming home of sorts. ODD, as I had actually never been IN that particular house of theirs, nor had I actually met their youngest in person... but it was that kind of home that only your heart can speak to.


I ALSO got to see a dear friend of mine from college. It had been a few years since I last saw Little Girl; collectively three children had been born since our last meeting. Marilyn is one of those people that I lost touch with during my year of puking and subsequent darkness while trying to survive Danny's first year on the outside. Actually, we had lost touch during the move to NC process; me puking and being sleep deprived just compounded the fear of rejection and lack of energy I felt in trying to reconnect.

BUT, like any good love story; we got back together, and even had the reunion hug in a parking lot to boot. Seeing HER and her children was another wave of emotion for my soul. To know and see that a friendship can withstand that much time and space without a drop of love lost... well... how can I not feel blessed?


Back in jersey, more visiting was had. we saw my brother, his wife and the kids. unfortunately not as much as I would have liked to, but the kids were still in school, which meant their incessant schedule of practices and games and meetings and homeworks were still at full blast. (side note holy CRAP I'm so glad we only have 2 kids cause the school years and coordinating schedules scare and TIRE the living bejeezus out of me)


I saw my cousin Rachel. This was one of the most conflicting visits I had while in jersey, and I'm almost glad it was one of the last ones. Rachel, as you know if you've been around here for a while, has cancer. Rachel is 3 months older than me, and by every right of our upbringing, is the closest blood-relation I have that could very well be my sister. Rachel looked like SHIT. which, in saying that.. I say with no ill will... just calling it like it is. cancer SUCKS, people. and it does NOT look good on my cousin.


She is bruised and has a yellow tone to her skin. Her hair is gone again due to this current regime of chemicals. She is weak, and walks worse than our 90+ yr old grandmother. yet.. amidst all her frailty, I saw the strongest person I could ever meet. I could never possibly encapsulate another person's will to live with words, but the mere fact I have personally witnessed it makes me re-think how I view things. Seeing Rachel reminds me how precious life and relationships are, and it really reminds me to choose my battles, especially when the relationship is worth fighting FOR.


being gone for so long made me realize how much I missed home, too. and this time I mean home as in Stepford. sure, I make fun of stepford all the time.. but this is our HOME now. and Troy was still home. now... I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I really didn't miss troy that much at first. I mean.. being in jersey was NICE. no laundry, no cooking, no cleaning... no errands. I really got a break! but by the time week 3 rolled around, I knew it was time to get back. we are truly a team of FOUR, and when anyone is out of the picture too long.. well... things just don't level out.

But the time gone was good. my parents did their usual bending over backwards to accommodate us in every fashion. speaking of bending over; I'm sure they were happy to give the knees and backs a rest after we left. not saying the kids gave them a run for their money... but they did. oh, and my coming home drunk that one night probably didn't help much either. HAH! (and we won't talk about danny's meltdown at the picnic or him throwing up all over my mom or me dropping the shower door on my foot.... that shit's just par for the course, right?)


eventually I'll sign up for the upgraded version of flickr, and I'll get all of our pictures up. that's on my list of things to do this week.

but we're back. (speaking of back; I'll go back over this post later today during naps and update with appropriate links and pictures.)

Full Circle

life is funny.


ok, maybe not like funny HA HA.. just that wistful, make you go hmmmm kind of funny.


As y'all know.. I'm up here in jersey with the kids. yesterday, we went to see my grandmother. she's like 92 or something. old... very old.


anyways.. we went to her house, and as I drove there, it reminded me of all the times I used to go there growing up. it took me back to a time when I thought her back yard was the most ENORMOUS garden I'd ever seen in my life. how I'd stare with wonder at all the knick-knacks on the walls and always see something different each visit.

Seeing Rhena and Danny walk in to her house made me realize that Lion King wasn't too far off when they sang about the 'circle of life.' I saw the wonder and awe in their eyes. Even more poignant was holding my grandmother's hand as she walked out the door to the back yard. just like I hold danny's over a step. or being patient as she tried to express what her thoughts were but kept losing them mid-sentence like Rhena trying to tell a story.


I know each life must come to an end, but how frail, simple and childlike she looked to me just made me take pause. Watching my mom was tough, too. I knew she had a bunch of shit going on up there in her head and heart. But I didn't say anything. I just watched and took note. I probably shouldn't even say anything now, out of respect for the privacy of her relationship with her mother.. but it did make me want to make sure i say what I need to say to my mother in the here and now... so should we ever get to that point where I saw yesterday.. well... I guess I hope I would just hold her hand more and take in the wonder of it all.


.

Bunch of ANIMALS, I tell ya!

so as promised.. here are a few pictures from the zoo.

I definitely feel like this was NOT one of my best ideas ever. I mean.. the zoo WAS enjoyable, and overall it was so nice to share the experience with my folks... it's just that the zoo is MUCH further away than I remembered. like REALLY far away. like over an hour away. which I SUPPOSE isn't too bad, but when sitting between 2 carseats (me), teething (danny), getting ready for a 9 hour car trip the next day (my folks) and being impatient in general (rhena)... perhaps taking on the zoo was a little more than I had bargained for.

no matter. we went, we had fun.

we saw animals, and even saw the creatures of wildlife. seriously.. there's nothing like going to a public place in the middle of red-neck NC to make you feel educated and slender.

Drawbacks include capturing the BACK of everyone I love in the majority of the pictures I took. I mean, sure.. I COULDA hopped the big wall to stand behind the lions, tigers and bears so I could get the FRONT of rhena's face... but.. uhhh. no.

loved the irony of Danny MOWING down on animal crackers the whole day.

Merry-go-Round was a must for Rhena.

we all did a lot of walking, and were a bit pleased to make it to this sign indicating it was all 'downhill' from there.

like I said.. it probably wasn't my BEST idea for an outing.. at least with the timing, but when I see pictures like this one below, I know that it was worth it.

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Zoo Shoe Riot

between going out on a date with Troy last night... (with my new pink shoes and purse, mind you!)


and spending all of today at the zoo with my folks and the kids....

I think I'm tired.


mind you, it's a good tired.. but whoo-boy.


pictures to come; just trying to spend some time with the folks before they head out at the ass-crack of dawn tomorrow.

For Good

ok... first and foremost... I have to THANK everyone who has seen the show of Wicked for NOT telling me a thing about it. Even though I have read the book and have listened to the soundtrack all of about a million times.. I feel like I was able to see the show with fresh eyes. so again.. thank you all for not telling me what to expect!!!


I had such a wonderful time last night. I really did.


The show itself I loved. The lead actresses were Katie Rose Clark and Carmen Cusak. Not sure just how many of the cities they are starring in, but each had a wonderful tone. I was drawn more to Cusak... one, probably because of her character.. but I just liked her voice much better. In starring as Glinda, Clark has that higher, almost opera-like. (yes, I know that in opera there are different types of singers ranging from soprano on down to bass... I just mean... in my most non-american-idol-pseudo-judging-way that sometimes some parts of the songs came off as operatic vs broadway.)


bottom line, though.. there's NO way I could ever sing like they do, and I was truly impressed.


I was NOT impressed with charlotte's audience, however. the outfits worn by my fellow citizens ranged from theater appropriate to frumpy and trailer-park ratty. and don't get me started about intermission. no LESS than 20% of the sold-out audience did not make it back to their seats in time for the second act, and caused such a commotion that the house turned the lights on for these rude people to be able to find their seats faster. Admirably, the cast kept on with the show despite the audience, but I was embarrassed for Charlotte to be so uncouth. and we wonder why it takes forever to get big-name shows here. sigh.


but... that hiccup aside.. the evening was wonderful. I kick myself in the ass for not telling my mom just how important and how special I felt to be having an evening with her, and just her. I thought about it throughout the show, and ALMOST said something a few times, but started to choke up and chickened out.

but it's true. As an adult, I have learned a whole new side of my mother that I appreciate and respect SO MUCH. and having friends that have parents that are either aging or passed on.. I want to make sure I'm absorbing as much of her as I can. and having a night with just her and I was special on so many levels... most of which I can't explain.. other than "good".


I really think rhena would have loved the show.. except for some of the parts in which she would have had the shit scared out of her (she's a little fragile and jumpy when it comes to loud noises) but I think when she gets a little older she and I will have to get season tickets. and who knows.. maybe Wicked will be this era's Cats, and run long enough for her to see someday, too.


in other news, I did NOT make it to the gym this morning. oops. maybe saturday I'll go. but for sure I'll be back on track soon. having my folks here has allowed me to do more snacking, and I noticed the scale creeping up a little. I'd love to say that it's cause I'm building leg muscles, and everyone KNOWS that muscle weighs more than fat... but I'm sure it has to do with the ice cream, the doughnuts, and other assorted chocolates (like my failed attempts at petit fours from the bake sale) I've been eating.


oh, and tonight is date night. troy and i are going here with another couple tonight. wouldn't have been my first choice... but hey.. we're getting out. I've been there a few times before, and it's OK... again.. not my favorite.. but it'll do. still would have liked it if troy and I were going to Del Frisco's... but 131 Main is cheaper. and closer. again.. night out. and that'll be good.


ok.. that's all for now.

One Was Johnny

Today is my dad's birthday.


I mentioned it yesterday, but forgot, in all my jeans-bitching below... to give the official nod his way.

I also forgot to call and be sad yesterday about it being his last day of however old he isn't anymore... but that's just an inside thing.


Rhena's still insisting on something blueberry.

HBDTY, daddy.


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blergh

feeling just a TEEENY bit ill right now. one.. lack of coffee. didn't have any this morning cause we ran out, and the chai tea is NOT giving me enough oomph.


two... trail mix. wtf, Emerald people are the devil.. they make shit SO GOOD (or at least to me when i first taste one of the products I'm all.. OH! that's SO GOOD) then I eat the whole bag. blergh. Just polished off pretty much a whole bag of this stuff. tasty.. but uggg. I should NOT have done that.


went out on a date with troy the other night. so nice! so fun!! almost romantic even!


so I wore the dress I wore on the night we got engaged. I thought I looked kinda cute. at the very least I know i'm about 10 pounds lighter than the first time I wore it... so I was kinda feeling good.

uh... until I looked at the pictures I insisted that troy take. oh well. something about how the camera catches every lump, bump, curve and crevice that make me want to not ever been seen in public again.. much less in that dress again. at least without photoshop built in to everyone's eyeballs.


I think the problem is my pose. I USED to have the lock-down on posing. even in my drunkest stupors I could manage a semi-decent pose. (yes, I KNOW this is because I used to practice posing at all hours of the day so in the event of drunken stupors, my 'pose' would come 'natural'.)

anyways.. that was when .. like 100 years ago? like before kids? I need to find my post-child pose. cause what I have been doing with my arms is working for my right arm, but holy crappernuts, fatman... I had sprouted an ass cheek near my left armpit in the last picture taken. NOT GOOD. momma don't want no extra ass cheek.

I'd share the picture, but there's only SO MUCH public scrutiny I can handle. maybe in another 5 pounds I'll share... but I doubt it. although.. if you take me out to dinner I'll show you however many one-armed ass cheeks you want. Lord knows I love me some free dinners.


speaking of the Lord... we're doing the Lent thing. I don't feel like talking/writing about it now, though. it's Lent, and I'm halfway through day 2. 38 more to go.


alrighty. folks are here, and visiting is going well. mom is coming to rhena's dance class tonight. I think she'll get a kick out of it. I know I do.. and she's a gramma. grammas get into that kind of shit.

speaking of. gotta wake the boogie and get ready to roll.

happy thursday, gang.