Word to the Wise

When feeding your child... it's best to remember that what goes IN.....

must eventually come OUT.

sometimes it's even the same color.

ok. not going any further with that.

'Not so fresh' feeling

yeah... you KNOW it's gotta be *MY* luck that the one weekend that troy's working 15 hour days and can't come to church with us, that my darling boy takes the BIGGEST crap ever.

IN CHURCH.



at least it seemed very place-appropriate that I was praying just to get through the morning.

T K O

I originally began writing this post on tuesday, but never finished, then I found out about my uncle so I never posted it. here's a glimpse of how my week started out, though.


______________


welcome to the house of technicalities! I'm your host, but you can just call me "I must look like I have shit for Brains"... or of course... 'mommy' for short.


So today's been one of those 'get a lot of shit done' days... or at least ATTEMPT to. Danny's been kinda sick lately, so I'm trying to stay closer to the house and let him sleep as much as possible so he can get over this cold once and for all.


Rhena seemed perfectly content to be muddling around the house doing her own thing. this leaving me free to fold the Mt. Vesuvius of laundry I've got going.. I figure, what the hell. well, that's until rhena comes into danny's room holding her pyjama pants and panties in her hands and tells me,


"Mommy.. I need new panties. these have pee pee all over them."


WHAT??? whothewhatthehuh??? Mind you my surprise is truly genuine; rhena has been accident free for almost 2 months now.


"Rhena... why did you make pee pee in your pants??? You're supposed to use the bathroom! You know that!"


"BUT MOMMY.... I DID use the bathroom. I made pee pee by Daddy's sink!"


*sigh*


ok, so after all was cleaned up, I had a little sit down with her and made sure we were ALL on the same page with what momma means by bathroom. Yes, mommy means the potty. and no more in the panties, or the diapers are coming back, and do we want the diapers back? oh no. "I'm shorry, mommy. I won't make pee pee in my panties again. I'm really shorry." and WHERE do we make the pee pee? "In the PAAAH-TY, momma. NOT in my panties."



ok, fine.

day continues.

I'm doing chores, then lo and behold, a bottom-half naked rhena comes up to me and says "Hi, Mommy.. I tried to make pee pee in the potty but it won't fit!"


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"Rhena... which potty did you use??"


"The one in the playroom! My pee-pee doesn't fit!"


People.. we do not have a potty in the playroom. Rhena's playroom is full of toys.


oh. oh oh oh.

---


I'm not going to give you TOO much of a visual here, but I WILL provide the one below to help you understand my frustration. Please take special care to note that although Rhena is not quite 3 years old yet, she is FAR bigger than a little people figurine. Her pee pee DEFINITELY did not fit in the potty.




and the victory goes to Rhena by order of a technical knock-out.

EASILY my favoritest picture ever

not sure if it's the "seriously.. I'm trying to poop here, mama! will you put that damn thing away" look she's giving me, or just the fact that her hair is pretty much its own life force, but I love love love this picture.

She is TOTALLY gonna hate me someday for this.....

Parent Club

I think I'm officially a member. or am in GRAVE danger of being kicked out.


just this morning, I realized that it didn't phase me to see Rhena in a bathroom, fully dressed, wiping her hands dry with toilet paper. oh.. did I mention that there was an epic-sized poop in the toilet and water ALLLL over the toilet seat? and did I mention that her hands were soaking wet and the sink was dry? and I mentioned the epic poop in the toilet, right? in the toilet WATER?

me. not phased!


granted, we did use about 6 pumps of anti-bacterial soap within 30 seconds of this discovery... but me... totally un-phased.


(I'm probably getting kicked out)

Potty Mouth

Recognizing the fact that I curse way too much for a mother of two children.... I need to talk about my potty mouth as of late. but not the "sonofafuckercrackassedbitch!!!" comments you can imagine me muttering under my breath when once again the Moose is up screaming in the middle of the night.


no. we're going to leave that subject alone. although-- funny story.... I made a weird turn when we were driving back from jersey a few weeks ago, and Troy exclaimed " JESUS!!" in a way only backseat drivers can do... yeah.. not a HALF a second later, our bubbling blondie daughter did her own echo of a cry to our dear Lord on Most High. that's the worst she's ever repeated so far, and for all my truck-driving sailor tendencies, I must say I do a fine job of curbing my language around her. Troy?? meh... not as much. but I can say for sure my kids won't be learning curse words from me. at least not yet. I imagine a few *may* be learned during the impending teenage years....


but all of that's an aside.


my potty mouth I'm referring to is that of Boogie's bathroom habits. This training experience is REALLY teaching me creativity and patience. oh, and how to be creatively patient, too. I have had conversations with my child's private parts, as well as her bodily fluids. I have been told by my daughter's pee-pee (which coincidentally sounds JUST like her...) that it's too cold to come outside. Her poopies (also, a dead ringer for her voice... go figure!!) have insisted that they can not come out until they see the chocolate candies.

whaddarya gonna do?

yesterday was a monumental day; she peed 7 times and had a discovery-channel worthy poop, all in the big girl potty. and she kept her pull-ups dry all day. who KNEW that such a simple body function would be the source of such strife and excitement in my life???

today we're also doing well. I'm proud to say that Boogie peed on the big girl toilet.. AT THE MALL. in a PUBLIC TOILET!!!! seriously.. even *I* have trouble peeing in them some days!! Now.. I must also include that I am not proud that in so doing the deed, she kinda peed ON ME... (seriously... her pee defies gravity... she seriously is a geyser of urine!) but still. public bathroom. check!

The good part about being peed on was that I had just been trying on bathing suits. That sheer act alone pretty much had me numb from the neck down, and I was just so flippin' happy she was peeing on the toilet that it didn't bother me that she was really peeing ON the toilet.. and not IN it. oh well.. one step at a time, right?


I'll talk about the bathing suit hell another time. like, you know... when I'm highly medicated and you know... highly medicated or something.

not quite there yet

so I'm quickly learning that while it's great to savor small successes in child-rearing... a parent shouldn't necessarily hold their breath.

says the child to her mother (who is still basking in the glow of two days in a row of the child successfully having bowel movements in the big-girl-toilet) upon being urged to urinate:


"Mommy-- the pee-pee is sleeping right now. Maybe we should try again later."


yes. the glow is officially gone now.

Just a drop

it may not be much.... but Boogie peed one tiny drop of pee on the big girl toilet today.


PFC.


(pretty fucking cool)



in other news, more scandal is to be had with insurance and zofran. apparently there is NO federal regulation that states that a patient can only receive X-amount of the puke-soother in Z-amount of time. My insurance are just cheap ass lying motherfuckers trying to save a dime. did I mention lying? and cheap? fuckers.


so whatever. I've been on a different med this past 2 weeks, and things started off super groovy. I actually had 9 days in a row without puking. then two days in a row of massive hurls. Then another 4 days off from puking, only to be hit up like a hungover grad student today.

yes... I puked. yes.... it was nasty. as in leftover-baklava-from-this-weekend's-greek-festival-out-my-nose nasty. told you..... nasty.

and who knew that one bite of a hotdog could produce THAT much vomit??? surely not I. well.. maybe I did, but seriously.. what normal person thinks about shit like that? wait... don't answer that.


in other news.. I put on a pair of jeans today that I used to wear after rhena was born. and they fit me. I find it slightly disturbing that what used to be a regular part of my wardrobe for about a year now currently fits a woman who is seven months pregnant. perhaps I should make a better effort after this thing comes out on getting back into shape. one that isn't santa-like, that is.


but whatever... I'll deal with that in roughly 8 weeks. right now I'm dealing with the fact that Boogie-child is turning TWO. Boogie-child-made-a-drop-of-pee-pee-on-the-big-girl-potty is turning TWO!!!!! How in hell we both made it this far I'll never know... but I'm sure glad we're still together. I really do love that kid.

more to come in the following days as I prep for the buggy-butterfly-garden-stepford-extravaganza party, and attempt to use fondant icing for the first time. oh, and you know... work on not puking and stuff.

peace out!

Home again

hooray hooray.... we're HOME AGAIN!!!


when all is said and done, we had a nice trip to see the inlaws. This does NOT mean I'm not happier than a pig in shit to be home again, though.


Rhena was fantastic for all 14 hours we were driving home, so today she's pretty much getting the run of the house. (what's that? you want to play with the toilet brush cleaner?? oh.. ok!! just don't put it in your mouth!)


today has my plate full with going through mail, paying bills, and beginning the unpacking process. I say process, because Troy won't be helping, and I'll be damned if I try to do it all myself in one day. besides... I have to blog!! and talk to my girlfriends!!! and eat bon bons!!! (cause you KNOW I don't do shit around here like clean toilets or go food shopping or cook and feed anyone)


speaking of toilets.... can I TELL you about the bowling ball I shat out up at the inlaws???

yeah... forget me bitching about popcorn shits. I had about 10 of those popcorn nuggets stuck together and they all decided to get together and come out of my ass at the same time. repeat... AT THE SAME TIME.

let's just say I ended up pushing out a bowling ball the size akin to fred flintstone would use, (and YES... it was rock hard, that fucker!!!) and my poor hiney got a roid the size of a freaking superdome on it for like 2 days.

have YOU ever tried sitting down and making pleasant conversation with your inlaws with a bleeding superdome between your ass cheeks????

trust me.. it AIN'T pretty, and I really deserve a reward of some sorts. or a guest spot on Montel or something. SOMETHING!


In other news.. I only puked TWICE and had three wake-up-choking-on-acid-in-my-throat-nights during the week I was gone.... so that's good. at least God likes to spread out my misery, as none of the fun-fun-fun bodily events happened on the same days. Even the rupturing of mount my-ass-vious happened on a non-puke day! Perhaps a small favor for putting up with 24 hours of non-stop nascar and baseball.

and SPEAKING of Nascar.... troy and I did go out and catch a matinee. (though it cost us $16 for 2 tickets, so I'm not sure if we got matinee prices, those bastids....) but I saw the Will Ferrell Nascar movie. it was stupid, but funny. I happen to like Will Ferrell, though. crazy motherfucker. ( oh, and don't think the irony is lost on me that my one afternoon out alone with my husband during a week-long subjection to everything nascar, and we go see a movie about Nascar. I live for this kind of twisted sense of reality... (ok, actually, I don't... but you have to admit it just figures, you know?))

as for the one within.... it continues to grow. I'm looking pretty big now, and I fear my days of wearing my pink band on my ankle are numbered. Troy... in all his kindness, told me that my ass is getting bigger, too... so that's just greaaaat. oh well, more room for future superdomes, I guess.


alright. I've wasted enough time with babbling here, and I really ought to read some blogs or unpack or something. or clean out all the stuff that died in the fridge when we were gone. yeah. that would be good.


happy monday, gang!

Enchisnottas

yeah. another day, another box of tissues.


this stupid stupid cold is running its course. My throat hurts, though not as much as it did this weekend. The only real fun lately is that my left nostril has been the mad producer of snot lately, while the right nostril seems to be a bloody mess every time I blow.

I'm so hot, I could totally date myself. not.


So the good news is that tonight is BUNCO night! whe-hoo! a night out of my house, gossiping and eating other people's food! The hostess lives right next door, so the even better news is that if I eat too much, it's only one door away from throwing up in my own toilets.

Though I MUST SAY... if/when I get to the point of wanting/needing to throw up, I seem to produce much quicker when using someone else's toilet. somehow envisioning my face where my neighbors take a shit always helps get the juices going. and forget public toilets. if I so even as much as come eye-to-eye with the flusher, I'm puking for sure.

then again.. this is not to say that thinking of TROY taking a shit doesn't help me throw up any slower. Love him I might... but he does have a nasty ass.

but I digress. all this potty-mouthing just reminds me that tonight is chicken enchilada night. I figured since I was getting a night out with the girlies, that I'd let troy pick what I'd make for dinner tonight. OF COURSE he picked enchiladas. which is fine. it's been a while since I made them, and I'm actually hoping that the extra 'kick' of seasonings might be able to break through the snot-barrier taste-indifference I've been having since the weekend.

but then, of course.. I start to wonder if it's such a good idea to be eating something spicy when I'm still having the puking issues. which then, OF COURSE, makes me think that maybe the enchiladas may help me finally poop a nice log, instead of the popcorny pebble-shits I've been having like FOREVER.

poop or puke? puke or poop? I *AM* faced with such dilemmas here in preggo-ville, aren't I?

in other news... I'm off to see the chiropractor again today. I went yesterday, and did not get any cracks. My main goal is to get some more mobility in my back.. or increase my range of motion again. I've noticed it's really decreased since getting pg, so I'm hoping cracker-man can loosen me up and teach me some new stretches so I can remain semi-flexible for the next 3 1/2 months. A good ole-fashioned-make-my-ears-tingle-back-crack would also be swell, but first things first.


and as if you really care what else is going on... I'll tell you I have another appointment tomorrow for baby-stuff. I *DO* plan on discussing what in hell is up with the meds/me still puking regime I have going on. also hoping to see a weight gain from last month. As of week 20, I was still down 2 pounds. I'm positive I have put on a good 5 pounds or more since last month, what with the carbs-are-my-friends diet I've been following lately. so we'll see.

of course, the biggest thing is that I hear that the baby's all coozy-shmoozy inside, and there's no health issues for either of us. cause as much as I bitch about everything, especially this damn stupid stupid cold and the puking... all that matters is that Thing 2 is doing well.

so I'll keep you posted!

oh, and wish me luck in Bunco tonight... The worst case is that I'm out $5, but hey.. I could be a big winner and come home with $20! c'monnnnn big money!