treasure or junk, hide or share?

well lookie lookie here! apparently *I* still have a blog!!!

I kind of feel like I just found a childhood diary or something.... going through these posts is truly like stepping back in time. First of all.. WOW. I curse a LOT, don't I? oh well. throw my vote to the freedom of speech thing, I guess. *I* know I don't curse around my kids, NOR do I allow them to read this dribble... so I'm ok with cursing. besides.... sometimes it's very necessary to use the term assbaggers. knowwhaddayemean??? fuck 'em if they can't take a little sailor talk.

So yeah. where was I? I remembered I had this (and my baking blog) because Rhena's class moms created a blog for sharing pics and info. which is swell. I love being able to see pictures from her day and activities. What can I say? I'm partial to looking at her mug! BUUUUUT... I had to sign in with blogger in order to READ said kindergarten blog. which means my profile comes up... which means this here blog shows up.


hmmm.


now in the PAST, I've never felt the need to hide my rantings. if I DID, I suppose I wouldn't have typed them in the first place. (again.. see my no-apologies cursing theory above) but now. nowwwwww... I'm a mom of a kid in kindergarten. Granted I'm STILL the same mom of the kid who SHOULD have been in kindergarten LAST year (grumble grumble.. whatever! seriously, I'm OVER IT!) but now that I'm all IN THE SCHOOL SYSTEM as a parent and everything... do I worry? should I care? does it MATTER?

I have to admit it worries me that I'm even thinking this. has stepford conformed me so much that I'm questioning my awesomeness??? blergh. THAT'S not good!

I think when I go back through my posts, there are some really good gems in here. like the day Rhena went to preschool for the first time. TOTAL GEM. there's some raw emotions from losing Rachel that deserve to be preserved... and heard. Of course, there's trash, self-indulgence, and soooooo much dribble. I suppose that stuff can stay or go... I like to keep it as a reminder of where I've been... a barometer of how much I've changed, I guess? but yeah... on the chance someone from child services reads about the time I got so drunk I woke up feeling like a cat shit in my throat??? welllllll... maybe not one of the best entries I'd want Rhena's classmates' parents reading about me.

but then that just adds fuel to my fire in terms of having nothing to hide. well, that's not true. I have plenty to hide. like the amount of cobwebs in the office that I'm looking at right now instead of cleaning. (whoops. so much for hiding that.) meh--- it's almost halloween. they're actually appropriate right now, right? I'll get to them before thanksgiving.

oh well. I guess the truth is that hiding old posts is just not my style. there's PROBABLY some prolific saying about truth setting you free and past being your path to get you where you are today... blabbity blah blah.... but I'm just sayin' I...

well.. what AM I saying exactly?

hmph.

I'm saying that if you're a new reader... read with caution. I curse. always have, always will. the pre-existing posts on this blog are just that. pre-existing. as in.. already happened, nothin you can do about it. if I said I can't stand minivans and moms who wear vests... then that's how I felt at that time. (well.. I kind of still feel that way... vests? I mean REALLY? not a fan. and oh good LORD don't get me started on those stupid-assed sweaters with various holiday doo-dads emblazoned on them. They may be worn by grandmoms and grandmoms ONLY. everyone else wearing one deserves a slap. they're DUMB.)

I'm in a whole new world these days... and it's a happy one. SURE, I still get pissed about a LOT of dumb things, but I have been feeling very balanced lately. Rhena loves her school. DANNY loves his school. Troy is happy at work, and I have been happy doing a mix of subbing and baking for the business. I feel MUCH more in control this year for Stepford, in terms of being more selective of what orders I take on, and not over-extending myself just to have one more client.

I still do the Avon Walk (it's this weekend already! yikes!), still teach CCD, and still drive the kids everywhere they need to be. I still like bacon, and I still keep saying I need to lose some weight. I have good friends, and I love my family. Granted, I'd love a certain member of my family a lot more if he would ever send me the pictures he took of our trip to the statue of liberty this past summer because my camera broke and I have no decent pictures to put in my kids' room so they remember it.... but that's a whole other story.

It's been what... 10 months since my last post? oh well.. it's not you... it's me. really. and I don't mean that in a bad way.

getting baked

that title ought to bring out some interesting searches, huh?


not much to report in these parts. We're finally getting back into a routine again. Rhena was off from school for TWO weeks! it was a good two weeks... we had slumber parties, we played games.. did some little 'missions' here and there... but not much else to show for it, I'm afraid. the weather was pretty crappy, so we didn't get down to the botanical gardens yet.. and the strawberries have been delayed cause north carolina had an identity crisis this winter and had some ridiculously COLD weather.

this week has been personally slated as "get my shit done' week. I have been baking, I have boxed up old clothes...

I've also been playing Mafia Wars on facebook like it's my damn job. so addicting! BAD, Carrie!

but yes. doing the baking, doing some cleaning... maybe even one of these days I'll get all my shit written and handed over to troy so the new Stepford site will be up and running. but I have been baking. I really missed that during Lent.

Not that I COULDN'T bake during Lent.. it just seemed pointless if I couldn't TASTE what I was making. so now that the restraints are off again, I'm back to business.

ok! that's that. if anything profound happens, I'll let you know. in the meantime... enjoy this video of danny thrashing ... I mean DANCING... to some tunes while we waited in carpool line for rhena a few weeks ago. Apparently over the break he's decided he only wants broadway showtunes, so this might be the first and last time for a video like this.

something

some times i feel like I just want to write. about anything, nothing.. the same shit, different shit, the fact that I took THREE shits yesterday (true story), but just SOMETHING.

other times.. which is usually MOST of the time... I've got nothin'. well, no.. that's not true. there's ALWAYS something going on.. this is the "apollo" after all....

but who wants to hear my dribble? especially when i should be folding laundry? or finishing up the shit I owe Troy for my Stepford site?

I suppose if you're reading this, there's some part of you that IS interested in my dribble. or you're looking for a reason to laugh at me. there's usually a few morsels of asshat behavior to go around in here, so i can understand that.

but yeah... I've been blogging more or less now for what.. 5 years? still don't consider myself a BLOGGER. and apparently i still wonder why people even read this here page. (again.. the occasions to point and laugh not withstanding.) hate all the blogitics with kissing this one's ass and being that one's reader. screw that! I don't even follow TV celebrities.... forget about following normal people who blog!

nonetheless... I still hear about things. call it third party exposure, background noise, or just perhaps newsworthy shit comes your way. like that whole brad-jennifer-angelina mess. like.. i don't even know who's with who or why or even CARE.. but i know enough to know they're all connected.

so needless to say, I've been at a loss lately now even with twitter. apparently, there's been a slew of babies of people who twit that have died within the past week or so. FUCK ME RUNNING. seriously. I can't go there. I mean.. I'm still trying to function from an ADULT dying... never mind take on the emotional hell of thinking about babies passing away.

don't get me wrong.. I find it horrible and tragic and gut-wrenchingly sad... I appreciate and respect the sentiments that are going around, and the visual displays of empathy and support are more than likely very healing to those hurting the most. I have already said a few prayers for the families that are suffering, and they will most likely not be the last ones I say.

but I'm just not strong enough to take that on. And maybe that's harsh, but for the pure simple sake of our family's financial state, MY emotional state, and wanting to have SOME semblance of HAPPY left in me to give to my own children... I gotta put the blinders on.

and I KNOW that's the right thing.. the blinders... cause again... how much can I take on before it begins to take away from the ones who need me the most??? but then I feel a little guilty. like I SHOULD be doing something. as a mother! as a Christian!! as a decent person who has a moral sense!!!

so yeah.. there's a TEENY bit of guilt there that I'm not leaving comments and turning things purple in memory of someone's dead child. but my truth remains that if Rhena or Danny were to die? the entire fucking WORLD could turn purple and it wouldn't matter to me.

it just wouldn't. it would be too late.


_________

my prayers go out to those of you who are suffering from the loss of a loved one. my only hope is that those of my readers with whom I have a personal relationship with will always know in their hearts the love and support I have for them.

FOR YOU, I will dye my entire body a color to ease your suffering. I will make my daughter stay dressed for once, I will make donations, I will bake cookies and ask strangers to do strange things. I would most likely do much more, but don't want to make suggestions cause a good percentage of you may actually make me follow through on these offerings.

for my own family, I would define the word limitless.

but I will not... CAN NOT... allow death to be a starting point. forgive me for that, but I prefer to be part of your LIVES.

I believe in Angels

so some random thoughts have gone through my brain this past week.


first off... I took Rhena and two of her friends to see the Charlotte Symphony's production of Cinderella this past weekend. that act alone brought up MANY thoughts.... one of which I am so happy to be done with two children. seriously.

fitting 3 car seats/boosters in the back of my car awakened the engineer in me, and being in a parking garage woke the acoustics specialists in Rhena and her two friends. holy good CRAP I had no idea three girls could be so loud. I mean.. WOW.

I learned that not all Cinderellas are created equal. period. and while I may have understood this notion starting several years ago when I would see different kids around the neighborhood dressed UP as Cinderella... (let's face it.. some girls need more than a fairy godmother to pull off the old Cinderelly getup) seeing my daughter see a production of the story done by a handful of actors and several puppets... well.. it's obvious that Cinderella can be different.

But this is good. I like knowing my child can be happy without a disney label slapped all over the place. the essence of the story clearly came through, and I did see the far-off-I-love-this-story-and-I-just-KNOW-some-day-my-dreams-will-come-true look in Rhena's eyes. That's magic. LOVE that magic.

What else. we met an usher named Rena. how cool is that? the woman was about equally gobsmacked when she heard me call to Rhena.... so much that she stopped me to ask if I just called her what she thought I called her. I would have loved to chat with her more.. but me and three girls ages 4-6 does not permit for much idle chat.

Oh.. here's one for you. the 6 year old of the group.. my neighbor's daughter??? she knows ABBA lyrics better than I do. and 'm not talking just that dumb assed Dancing Queen cause her momma forces her to listen to 80's crap music. I mean... there she was.... telling me to put on track 16 and 18 and specifically requesting "I had a Dream." I was impressed. like REALLY impressed. she'll get invited again, no doubt about that.

I'm taking the kids to the dentist today. Moosey's first visit. stress stress stress... I'm sure he'll do fine. we'll see.


I've been baking this week. like a LOT. I like baking.


alright. time to get my motor running. lots to do!

Down for Maintenance

so I know.. CLEARLY something has been going on over here.

lately... I've been a little down. Not the huge depressing sad way I was when Rachel passed away.... but still... down.

I have lots to say and share, but meh... just haven't had it in me. no blogging, no baking, not e-mailing or sending letters... just... going through the motions kind of.

but I'm working on that.

I think we've just about settled into our new routines for the year. By the power of all things holy associated to time management... we only really have ONE major task each day. Rhena has school on monday, wednesday, and friday... *I* teach class on tuesdays, and then we have to get Rhena to dance school on thursday. So really.. not bad at all. not too overwhelming, but definitely that kick in the ass such that we have to get out of the house every day.

Danny has been behaving better... I think he's happy to have his one-on-one time with me back. Not that we johnson women tend to be CONTROLLING or anything.. but I think Rhena tends to push him around a little when she's here.



And he's SUCH a moo moo. love him, I really do. and HE loves his girlfriends. he's got a few regular ladies he sees here and there, and MAN he throws on the charm for them. He's also perfected a 'wounded' look these days... so make no mistake, he's got the flair for drama like his sister. I haven't caught him looking in the mirror while practicing crying and sad faces yet... but he sure does love an audience.

As for Rhena... well.. she turned four. That's just nuts. The things she says and asks me about are mind-boggling. We have one more appointment for her nose coming up... a while back in august we had one of her nostrils cauterized to stop the incessant bleeds she's been getting since birth. It wasn't a pretty process, but the results have been amazing for the one nostril that was done. So we've opted to get the other side done so she can (hopefully) be done with her nose bleeding 5 or more times a week.

I looked into the work I need to do to get Rhena into kindergarten next year (what open houses we needed to attend, what registration forms and/or applications we needed to fill out) but alas... next year will be the first year of North Carolina implementing a new cutoff date for minimum age of school entry. Currently she is within the cutoff by about 4 weeks to spare... next year she will MISS the new cutoff by 2 weeks. That has been a tough pill to swallow for me. I've exhausted myself trying to find some loophole or testing process that would allow her to progress to kindergarten next year with her peers that she has been attending school with... but no luck.

meh. All will be fine.... it was just one more thing on the pile.

The election has been weighing on me very heavily. but I'm not ready to go there right now. Let's just say I've seen a LOT of stuff I don't like, and sadly... not enough things have been done or said that I feel I can believe in. but whatever. I'm not going there now.

NOW.... I'm going to get off this thing and flip the laundry and rassle the group to go food shopping. and prepare my lesson. and finalize my pitch for someone to get them to donate to the cancer walk. oh, and you know.... do the parenting thing. apparently the kids need supervision during the day. WTF is up with THAT?

Take it easy, crew. I'll be around again.. eventually.

Back in the Saddle

hmmm. I think I've used this title before. seems like I make a habit of breaks from blogging.


oh well.


Things are in full swing 4th quarter here, gang. just as well. last week was emotionally tough, and the distraction is actually nice.

Tonight is my first class for CCD. apparently we have 14 kids this year. I'm with a new partner, too.. cause my partner in crime decided to do some silly shit like MOVE TO NJ to be with her husband. pshaw! what's THAT about??? I jest. I just miss her, is all.

My new partner is very nice. I do not think she has an inkling of the train wreck that I really am... but alas.. we all have to find out things in our own way.

speaking of own way.. Tomorrow the boogie-loo turns four. say WHAT??? on one hand I find it hard to believe it's been a whole four years.. but being perfectly honest, it surprises me that Rhena has only BEEN IN MY LIFE for four years. but that's another post.

but anyways. 4th quarter is here, and all the craziness that comes with it. Have coffee... will handle.



catch you soon, gang.

Gone but not forgotten

hey gang.


sorry I've been scarce in these parts lately and around the internet. As I said earlier, my folks are here, and I've been busy.... surviving.

surviving isn't really the best word, though. I was BARELY surviving before they got here. Since my folks' arrival, I have finally gotten a chance to regroup just enough to man up and get shit done around here.

last week we had Rhena's nose cauterized. anyone that knows my child knows she has been getting severe nosebleeds since like.. BIRTH. we go through phases where she doesn't have many, but then we ALSO go through phases where our house and her clothing typically resemble some crime scene. so despite not wanting to put her through any ordeal... we decided it would be better than many more years of having to stop what she's doing with whomever she's with so she can tend to the red fountain above her mouth. The process was gut wrenching for me. but more on that later.

we made THREE attempts to get Troy an MRI (yes I said three... his spine is jacked up and despite being on 3 different pain meds and taking a valium, he has been unable to lay down for the hour-long test.) we just added some oral steroids to the mix, though... so we're hoping to try again on saturday.

we've been making pierogies (yesterday completed 13 dozen potato ones), dealing with moosey's clockworkingly predictable tantrums, eye doctor appointments for me (since I ripped my last contact and have been wearing 4 yr old glasses for 2 weeks).. and you know.. just regular tomfoolery that comes with the folks visiting.


on a POSITIVE note... I really do know that my folks being here has helped me get everything done. Them being able to watch one or both kids so I can get some things done with complete attention has been a GRACE. I actually feel stronger than I did a week ago. ok.. a little constipated (haven't crapped since saturday. WTF???) but stronger for sure.

I was allowed to do a guest post over at Mama Ginger Tree's House. so that was cool. go on over and say hello!!!

The cancer walk??? have you been over there lately? We're currently standing at OVER $1100 dollars in donations. This is so amazing.. and I can't thank you enough!!!! Some of you have e-mailed me and asked when the donations have to be in by... I believe we have up until just before the walk, so October. I KNOW you can find $5 by October!!!! please donate if and what you can!!! because really.. every dollar does count!

I'm currently working on a pitch for a local place in which I'm going to try to convince them to host a fundraising event for the walk. strike that. I AM going to find a place to host an event... and I have one place in mind.. just hoping they'll see my vision. I'll share more when I have everything official.

alright. I ought to put this thing away and prepare for another day of pierogies. we still have more potato to make, then we move on to the kapusta. I've been taking pictures, so will have a post next week of the whole process.

OH!!! so important!!!! I need some suggestions!!!


part of my 'pitch' to the bar/restaurant includes featuring a drink (one that can be alcoholic, AND have a non-alcoholic version available that's at least semi-similar)

anyways.. I'm looking for a drink to suggest. I want to call it "The Pink Ribbon Rock Star"


My first instinct is pomegranate, raspberry vodka, and 7-up....

I've done martinis where I've mixed keylime sparkling water with pom juice and raspberry vodka, and those are refreshing... but I'm looking for something new and GOOD. PLEASE share any recipes you just love... preferably ones with a pinkish hue. I've heard lots of you talk about blueberry vodka. so hit me with some ideas, gang!!!


ok. pierogies are calling. I'll post more as I can. but for sure will be back ont he regular next week.

oh, and SORRY about the mix tape last week. oops. I'll make a point to schedule a topic for friday this week... so for sure check back so we can get our music on!!!

just plain dull

so yesterday turned out as a success. I took apart and removed the existing wall outlet, pulled the fuse from the fuse box, replaced both with new one suited for 20 amps, then re-installed everything.


(love how I just type that like I do this kind of shit every day, right?)


anyways; I was pretty happy. I think I'll always feel extra proud when I accomplish some wiring or electrical task cause the professor I had in college for my Electrical Engineering I and II classes was a total DICK to me. It was right around graduation, and in his office, in front of another professor and 3 other students, Mr. Novy (that's right. he was just a professor; not a DOCTOR) Mr Novy made a flip remark of how I would never be successful in the aviation industry.

Now while I do understand that I did not make a lifelong career in the aviation industry, that asshole can NOT tell me I wasn't successful when I was at Boeing. And to what extent is it his right to tell ME what is successful or not? I mean, sure, we all have our standards of what measures success or not... and based on that premise I probably do not qualify as successful in his eyes.... but that does not mean I have not been successful. just ask my working garage fridge.


ahhh... that's all in the past, anyway. OVER IT!!! speaking of pasts... I have officially entered a 'scanner war' with one of my friends from college. This excites me and scares the crap out of me at the same time. as you've seen right here and by words from Suser (by the way, she's still pimping out her birthday week, so go say hi) I have plennnnnnnty of bad pictures from days of yore. I fear what may surface. I DO see this war spreading to others, though, cause as group pictures get published, I'll be bringing down everyone with me. If you're linked to me on facebook, you might get a glimpse of the horrible outfits I thought were SO COOL 100 years ago.


but other than that.. we're just surviving here in the southern heat. got a few errands to do, packages to finish, babies to visit, and of course.. laundry to do. just another day, ya know?

Grrr.

so I was just typing up a post about how doing a favor sometimes comes to bite you on the ass, but about 1/2 way through, I starting boring MYSELF.


now, the kids are up from their naps, so blogging will have to wait.


I do have another post to write tonight, so check back later.

and by later, I think I mean tomorrow, cause by the time kids actually get settled around here and whatever regularly scheduled thunderstorm finally passes, it gets kinda late.


but whatever. I WILL write something of content soon!

in the meantime... JUST in time for the balls-ass-hot summer everyone seems to be having...

one of my favorite foodie bloggers is hosting another contest for a free cookbook.... filled with.. POPSICLE RECIPES!

all it takes is one comment and patience til she does the random drawing next week....

so go check it out. and even if you're a scroogey-mc-no-fun and don't like to win free cookbooks or GASP! don't like a good ice pop.... go enter and give that junk to ME if you win! (yes, that means YOU, mom and Dad!)

so yeah. go. leave a comment. you'll thank me come august.

New is Old and Old is New

I know.. me and my repeating title posts are getting annoying. what can I say... it's just a mark of life these days. lots of going in circles and repeating myself!



so.... as you can see.. I've changed the layout and did up the blog summer-style. Suser joked that I was channelling my inner Rhena, but the truth is, it's getting to be that time of year when I think about how I need to get my ass in gear (literally) and start prepping for the walk.


I actually started my training a LOT earlier this year, but lo and behold.. the toe and the shower door put a kibosh to that and I really haven't been to the gym since april some time. yikes! Today, I went, and it was as if I hadn't been in 3 years. but hey.. if sweating like a pig is the new HOT, then I was SMOKIN', baby! but man.. 12+ hours later... I feel OLD. but I went, knocked off 2 miles in just under a half hour ( please... don't kill my thunder; I know I'm a slow ass cow.... but seriously! 2 miles! out of the gate! for ME?? that's an accomplishment.)


Anyways, thanks to the loverly Hannikins, I've got some great suggestions for some hard-core music. gotta get those on my zune, and get to gettin'. I STILL don't know how I'm going to block off 8 hours so I can do a full-scale simulation of 26 miles... much less 2 back-to-back days of training walks so I don't repeat my failure last year... but I suppose getting past 2 miles without my foot throbbing will be a good place to start.


what else.... feels like the same shit... but I know it isn't. I'm dealing with Danny a lot lately. he's been... how shall I say this to avoid making him sound bratty??? hmm.. well.. he's been a brat lately. tantrums. kicking. yes... KICKING.

me.


yeah... during some tantrums, this child is getting SO keyed up that it is nothing but some animalistic WAILS with lots of kicking and thrashing involved.


I KNOW that it's because he's at that age when he wants to do things, is learning and excited that he knows he wants to do things, but gets extremely pissed off at his own inability to do said things or communicate his desire to do said things... but GOOD LORD it is hard.

It's HARD to be the adult. it's HARD to remain calm and not raise my voice. It's HARD to take a kick or two to the collarbone and keep poised as I firmly repeat that we do NOT hit or kick in our family. I have a feeling that what danny is doing to me now is the physical equivalent to the emotional punches I will surely be blown during the defiant teenage years.

but we're pressing on. The good news is that eventually Danny DOES realize that I'm not fucking around and I will not give in to him carrying around a basketball net, climbing on a table, playing near the oven or stove or utensils drawer or WHATEVER unsafe action I am stopping him from doing. or you know.. that he will leave the house or store or yard or wherever when we do. THOSE times are the toughest, cause I'd be a liar if I didn't say I've had ally-mc-beal moments of picturing me leaving him wherever he's thrashing and kicking to stay.


I TRY to remember that Rhena went through this too.. right around this age... and that it WILL pass if we push through. but again. this shit is old. I mean, it's NEW for danny, but WAAAAAY old on my time. NEXT!


hmmm.. I guess I really don't HAVE a next, as it were. Truth is, I'm pretty beat. after being on people-hiatus last week, we've hosted playdates at our house 2 days in a row, have had un-synchronized naps, and a shit-ton of thunderstorms that has rhena as edgy as a crack head.


but anyways.. I'm here, posts will be posted again, and I'm thinking pink. also thinking I have to upload pictures, but Troy is finally home, and it's TV time.


happy july, gang.

Soul Food

so my girlfriend was here for a visit. it was quick, but it was good.


I have much to post about.. like how just the littlest moments can fill your soul with so much goodness that you know you can make it through the next few months of WHATEVER.


about how DISPLACED I feel right now (meaning this stage of life.. not this very second right now)


about how even if a broken toe is no longer so swollen such that you can fit IN your high heels that it may not necessarily be the best idea to WEAR said heels.


about how I love that tv is back, and despite being irritated at grey's anatomy I'm still very excited to see that Addison will be making a return next week with SAUCY HOT dark hair. (go Kate Walsh!!) and how I do not have enough energy to watch Lost yet cause that show just confuses the shit out of me and I imagine I'll need a big assed cup of coffee to process that one. still haven't watched the office or betty yet, though. so no spoilers, please.


oh! and how I'm on PAGE ONE of google results for people looking for the definition of Revertigo!! I know.. lame.. but being one of the top go-to sources for revertigo and clusterfuck just makes me happy.


speaking of happy.. it's time for rhena's nap. and that... makes a momma very very happy.



have a great weekend, all. more posts to come next week.

Clean Machine

I've said this before, but I'm serious. I SO need a wife.

or a me. I need a me. another one, that is.


think of the THINGS I could do. one could be my public me... the one who goes to the gym and eats healthy and reads witty things on the internet and bakes a lot. the other one would cook and clean and EAT all the things the other me would bake. oh.. I'd SOO let the myself get fat if I had another me to show off. I'd even let Troy have sex with the skinnier one. but wait.. would that be ME, or the other me?

crap.


I can't even keep my own thoughts straight in my ONE head.. I'd be a hot mess if I was in charge of two.


anyways. I have cleaning to do. the floors, in particular. bleh.

and laundry. and dusting. and oh, apparently the car nap danny had today means he's boycotting the afternoon one?



oh well.


Happy tuesday.

Feeling Blue

by request... I will NOT show a picture as to exactly how blue I am. or how blue my TOE is, specifically.


believe me when I tell you it's gross. like even *I* can't look gross.


today, I'm feeling rather blah and tired. could be the stress from yesterday catching up, or the lack of sleep from last night, but again.. today... meh.


guilty pleasures to be had tonight, though. Troy's going to play basketball after work, and by fate, just after he told me about that, we watched a commercial for chick-fil-a featuring their new coffee and caramel milkshake. in true Randy form, I told him that I may not love the idea of that shake, but I ain't gonna be mad at him if he brought one home for me after his game.


just saying.


I mean.. I DO need to start taking precautions as to not get a bad case of brain freeze when the ice cream comes, right?


.

Dark Beat

I am happy to say that I cut 2 minutes off my time on the treadmill this morning.


not saying I did the elephant walk for 2 less minutes.. I'm just saying that I reached my goal distance 2 minutes earlier than I was hitting it last week. I thank the 2nd disc of Ultra Dance 03 for providing me the music today... the song Dark Beat came on right when I needed it, too. some songs just get IN to me and take over. Dark Beat is one of those songs, and whooo-boy... it came on the the legs went on auto-pilot. good stuff.


I think I had other stuff to say, but right now I'm drawing a blank.

I'll probably post more later.

This Way and That Way

Monday again. bleh.


Today's weather matches my mood.. grey, cold and cloudy, but not necessarily DOING anything.


Busy week ahead for us here at the Fever... yet I'm feeling a bit lazy and not wanting to do anything. BUT, because I know my class won't teach itself, the guest bedroom still must be un-earthed, the applications for the homeowners' association for our deck project are still blank, laundry is mounded in a pile larger than the kids put together, and you know.. that whole feeding, cleaning, and tending to children thing. well.. I KNOW I have to bear down and 'get er done'. (I love the south. only here can EVERY phrase sound like some dirty old man leering at a farm animal or school girl.)

I'm craving baked goods... but alas, since I have begun to eat meat and sugary things again, I noticed my scale creeping upward. so tomorrow....(and thursday and saturday) has been designated my morning at the gym.


on ONE hand, I'm happy. I need to get out of this funk I have going on, and an hour to myself a few days a week away from the kids will certainly help. I also have a new toy arriving... Troy got me a Zune thingy. (He's a microsoft alumni, so he gets discounts on their stuff) so that should help a little. if I'm going to take the plunge and do the dreaded EXERCISE thing, I ought to at least have some kick-ass music with me. of course.. it'll be a good way to kick-start my training for the walk this fall.

on the other hand... BLAH! yuck! I don't WANNA GO!!!! I hate the gym.. I really do. I always feel so out of place and dumb there. like everyone is looking at me wondering to themselves if I really think that my slow pace on the treadmill is gonna make a difference.

oh well. that's a whole other post.

so today.. I'm blah.

in other news, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. no joke! (get it? april fools? joke? HAH) anyways.. I told rhena she would be in charge with coming up with an idea for Grampa's cake (my folks arrive this coming weekend) for celebrating his birthday. This morning she told me that her grampie would just really want blueberry. hmmm. thankfully the child changes her mind on the regular, so maybe by saturday I can steer her towards something coconut. we'll see. either way, between the upcoming bake sale for church and my dad's b-day cake.. I should have some new stuff to post over in the crumbles blog.

alrighty.. time to hit the showers. happy monday, gang!

Coming soon!

ok. I have many scattered thoughts today.. some of which include (in no particular order)

a new food network challenge (I would CRUSH collette peters, btw)

rhena being REQUIRED to wear make-up (which deserves it's own post because I am just beyond words about this right now and troy is telling me to chill about it before getting worked up, but uh.. too late.)

the 3 dozen cookies begging to be decorated

how very disgusting the fish sandwich is at burger king, but pleased that they offer veggie burgers and applesauce

me getting sucked in deeper and deeper to facebook and twitter and I STILL haven't written that letter to my girlfriend

and well...

ok.. maybe that's it.. but the cookies and rhena in makeup are big.

but makeup isn't until may, and these damn shamrocks are about as white as my ass right NOW... which does me no good for St Patrick's day on MONDAY.


so cookies go first.

perhaps more later, if I'm not in a hard cocoon of royal icing.

Stalker!!

ok.. maybe STALKER is a little too strong of a word.... but I do love a strong beginning.





so let's see... if not stalking.. then.. voyeurism? what exactly would you label observing someone in a publicly accessible area when they might not be aware of you observing them? lurking?





anyways.. once again, troy was working last night. he came home so we could go to the lumber store to view the samples of composite woods, as well as the three main brands of composites... (which, btw... when your husband coming home early means he comes in at 6pm.. you MIGHT want to check to see if the lumber store is even OPEN at that time first by calling ahead, versus going all the way there to see it dark and locked up.)



ok. so whatever. get home after an unsuccessful mission, then troy goes back to work. well.. the other job. ANYWAYS.



so since every now and then I hold a soft spot for the workhorse.. I promise not to watch our common favorite shows until he's home and we can watch them together. so SINCE I couldn't watch American Idol (no spoilers, please... I still haven't watched it) I figured what the heck.. might as well play call of duty.



so I did, and during one session, I got grouped into a particular group of people. one happened to be a girl. now.. if you're at ALL familiar with these online shoot-em-up games... you'll know MOST players are either teenage boys or tech nerds like my husband. so imagine the testosterone a'flyin when these boys realized it was a GIRL playing.



OH the flirting that was happening... I nearly laughed out loud. well, I SUPPOSE it was flirting. the girl was all "oh, HOORAY!! I shot someone! hee hee hee" and "oh no no no!! not fair! I'm re-loading! you can't shoot me! no fair! hee hee hee"



EVERYTHING this girl said ended in some form of giggle or cheer. on ONE hand, it made me want to stab my ears with pencils... but on the other.. I couldn't stop listening to the 'show'.





about three 'games' later.. one of the guys asked her how old she was. 20 was her response... though I'm betting she was probably younger. cause if she was really 20, she would have lied and said she was 21. I remember. I used to be that age once, too.



anyways.... when you play those kind of games.. you see trends. most of the time, you get one or two talkers... but EVERY TIME a girl is playing.. the guys come out of the woodwork, and the guys stay on for the longest time.



I SORT of felt guilty for listening the whole time, but hey.. they were in a public place... what they choose to say is fair game for listening, right? of course, I had a good time snickering at how immature the whole scenerio was... and had fun telling troy all about it. He asked me if I piped up and said anything... so of course I said no. I was worried that if they knew I was listening that they might change what they were talking about, and I was having a good time just watching the show.



not sure exactly what I was hoping for. a juicy morsel? scandal? that's doubtful in last night's case... but I know I've been guilty of gawking before in many other situations. I'm going to try to work on that during Lent this year.



of COURSE it'll be much easier to stop lurking once the writers' strike gets settled. DAMN I miss my shows.





speaking of shows.. SO HAPPY that Lost is back on tonight. oh, but troy will be working late again, so I'll have to wait another night for lost. sigh.





that's it. I'm gonna start putting chick ficks in my netflix queu.



(ps.. pardon the spelling errors. spell check is not working, and I don't feel like going back to edit.)

gettin busy

hah! bet you thought this post is/was/will be about sex. NOPE.


seriously.. troy's been working all week at his real and part-time-he-swears-it's-just-for-fun job. please, like CODING is fun. blah.



anyways.. gotta see the man to do the deed, and that, I'm afraid, just isn't happening. Troy has been busy.


as for me.. well, you know.. doing the whole eat bon bons and pretend I do housework thing. sheee-yeah RIGHT? fuckin A, I've been busy, too.


finally got the tree down, boxed up, and away. floors mopped. carpets vacuumed, things dusted. sofas spot-treated. kids fed... like all the time cause apparently even when you feed them they keep getting hungry again.

there's been multiple trips to the library, cause dude.. doing the single mom thing all day every day is just NO FUN when you don't leave the house.

did some decorating (hey.. if troy's going to be gone making all this extra money.. I might as well spend it for him, right?) not anything major, but a few key pieces here and there. a mirror, a lamp, a wall decor thing.. you know. make the house lived in. which is ironic, cause troy's never here, and here I am spending money on decorative things to make us look settled, and all I do all damn day is pick up the toys and laundry and do dishes so it doesn't look like we actually LIVE here. issues.

speaking of issues. we're expecting snow. again. here. in the south. WTF, people??? we had our 1/4 inch STORM OF THE YEAR on thursday.. that's it. we should be good now until next year, but nooooooo... now we're supposed to get more.


grumble grumble grumble.

oh well.. I'll just bundle the kids up like the little brother from christmas story and let 'em roll around for a little. maybe the cold air will make them sleep. but I'm not getting my hopes up.


anyways.. that's it. not a lot of anything, I suppose. just busy. and I was getting tired of looking at that last post.

ok, then.

Bragging or shame?

so as a "Christmas" present.. troy and I got my mom 2 tickets to see Wicked when it's playing here in Charlotte. Given the fact that my dad is hard of hearing, and Troy's really not all that in to musicals... we're (or at least I am) banking on that my mom will bring me with the other ticket. :)


ok.. so pretty much I told her out right that she and I are going, but fact remains that she holds both tickets. I need to keep my ass in check for the next 4 months if I want to go.. otherwise she may learn how to sell them on ebay in her free time. or worse.. bring someone else.


anyway.. my point is that I am working on reading the book for which the musical was based on. I don't get to read that often.. but in a 5 minute break here and there, I'm knocking it out a page at a time.


so I was sitting on the toilet the other day and looked down at the book (what can i say.. I'm a mom, and the only real "free time" I get is when I'm in the can. sometimes. at least mostly when I lock the door.)

so on the cover of the book, it boldly states "Over one million copies in print". well.. that's really great. at least for the author. but then I started thinking about what that really means. With the population of the USA being roughly 303 million people.. one million doesn't seem to be such a large number. hang on.. I'm not to the shame part. so yeah.. 1 million in print is about 1 book to every 303 people.

Wicked is NOT exactly a children's book... so when you break down the population by considering roughly 28 percent of americans are under the age of 19... now we're looking at about 219 million people. (I will point out that I recognize that there will be a large reading group from the age of about 10-19 that may enjoy a book like wicked.. but I am also assuming that a comparable number of older citizens comprise a near-blind or fully blind state and would be unable to read a printed copy. so.. tit-for-tat teenagers are cancelling out the blinds. (yes.. I know that is skewed logic, but this a damn blog post.. not a frigging term paper, people))

ok. back to about 219 million. that's about one book to every 219 people. adults. considering most reports point to about 40-44 MILLION adults being functionally illiterate... i'd say it's fair to knock off another 42 folks.

ok.. so now we're at one book to every 177 people. so I did a little more digging. according to a little article from NY times.. there are about 55.2 million couples that are lawfully married. another 6 million of so couples live together but are either not married or are in a same-sex relationship. so that another 61 million couples.. meaning 122 million adults.

oh you know what.. forget it. I'm boring myself.


my point was just that it seems like 1 million copies of ONE particular book seems rather high in an age of digital, audio, libraries and the timeless fashion of sharing a book between friends. I know for SURE that I'm the third reader of this copy (my mom and brother have read it prior to me.. maybe even my dad and sister-in-law have as well...) and I do plan on passing it on to my girlfriends that I swap books with.

because do we REALLY need another thing collecting dust in this world? oh well. I'm not trying to take any merits or money away from the author... I'm just saying out loud that I had an actual minute where I thought about how much I consume. ironic that I was thinking about consumption in the potty... but still... enough pause was taken that one of my resolutions this year is to be a little more green this year.

speaking of green. it would seem that the kiddies are still asleep, and I could be reading more about the life and times of Elphaba.

pants on fire!!!

why anyone in the world ever believes a single word I say any more, I have no earthly idea.


Certainly, with this motherhood thing I've got going on, I've become an INCREDIBLY good liar.


I think it started out when I was pregnant 100 years ago. people would ask me how I was doing, and I learned to not tell them how I REALLY was. Apparently telling people that you're having a hard time gaining weight and feel like your blood is boiling when you're in direct sunlight is an open invitation for people to tell you that you are doomed to be an unfit mother and that in their personal experience of not being a doctor, I should be doing this that and the other thing.


Me being who I am.. well, you can tell I got tired of THAT business right quick.


so the lies began.


"I'm GREAT!" became such an easy term to say that I think I actually believed myself once or twice.

there's many others from both my pregnancies, ESPECIALLY with all the puking I did with Danny, but I have to move this post along before one of the children realizes that they are indeed not up my ass right this minute.

anyways.... once the baby came, I found that I began to tell OTHER lies... "oh, she's sleeping right now, it's really not a good time" ... "oh, sorry, we can't come to the party, the baby's got a fever" and so on and so on.


Now that Rhena talks, and more importantly.. ASKS QUESTIONS.... I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm even BETTER at lieing!!! who knew??

I mean... for one thing, any parent can tell you (or anyone that has been in the company of a child) that children have this innate ability to sense fear and spot those unsure of themselves. Like fierce predators, they sniff out the weak, and then tear their asses to shreds in the most demoralizing way... usually in public.

so you get good at the lies and faking it. I mean, if I REALLY told Rhena the truth as to why she was not allowed to do such and such, it would either take a week of diagrams and flashcards for her to maybe just slightly understand (ie the merits of vegetables vs a diet solely consisting of sugar-free mints)... or it would bring on an onslaught of questions, or.. the typical response.. a tantrum.

So.. does my child really need to know that daddy and mommy don't WANT to go to the "meggy round" (merry-go-round) because daddy has to go back to work and mommy just really really needs for it to be bedtime as soon as possible? orrrrr... can we just keep everybody happy and believe that the meggy round is sleeping right now?

yeah yeah.. I suck. my lies are because I would rather have my kid living in a world where things go to bed, play hide and seek, need batteries, or are visiting their cousins in new jersey... instead of her knowing that mommy is a lazy ass and doesn't feel like doing shit most times.


I suppose I justify all of this because there will be a day (and a day that's coming oh-so-soon, I'm afraid) that my lies will no longer work with Rhena. of course, that also screws the pooch in terms of lieing to Danny, cause Rhena will be there to clue him in when the wool is being pulled.


and of COURSE... all of this expert training is only used for the benefit of manipulating of my children. I would NEVER lie to anyone else... especially telemarketers. I ALWAYS tell them the truth.