This Way and That Way

Monday again. bleh.


Today's weather matches my mood.. grey, cold and cloudy, but not necessarily DOING anything.


Busy week ahead for us here at the Fever... yet I'm feeling a bit lazy and not wanting to do anything. BUT, because I know my class won't teach itself, the guest bedroom still must be un-earthed, the applications for the homeowners' association for our deck project are still blank, laundry is mounded in a pile larger than the kids put together, and you know.. that whole feeding, cleaning, and tending to children thing. well.. I KNOW I have to bear down and 'get er done'. (I love the south. only here can EVERY phrase sound like some dirty old man leering at a farm animal or school girl.)

I'm craving baked goods... but alas, since I have begun to eat meat and sugary things again, I noticed my scale creeping upward. so tomorrow....(and thursday and saturday) has been designated my morning at the gym.


on ONE hand, I'm happy. I need to get out of this funk I have going on, and an hour to myself a few days a week away from the kids will certainly help. I also have a new toy arriving... Troy got me a Zune thingy. (He's a microsoft alumni, so he gets discounts on their stuff) so that should help a little. if I'm going to take the plunge and do the dreaded EXERCISE thing, I ought to at least have some kick-ass music with me. of course.. it'll be a good way to kick-start my training for the walk this fall.

on the other hand... BLAH! yuck! I don't WANNA GO!!!! I hate the gym.. I really do. I always feel so out of place and dumb there. like everyone is looking at me wondering to themselves if I really think that my slow pace on the treadmill is gonna make a difference.

oh well. that's a whole other post.

so today.. I'm blah.

in other news, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. no joke! (get it? april fools? joke? HAH) anyways.. I told rhena she would be in charge with coming up with an idea for Grampa's cake (my folks arrive this coming weekend) for celebrating his birthday. This morning she told me that her grampie would just really want blueberry. hmmm. thankfully the child changes her mind on the regular, so maybe by saturday I can steer her towards something coconut. we'll see. either way, between the upcoming bake sale for church and my dad's b-day cake.. I should have some new stuff to post over in the crumbles blog.

alrighty.. time to hit the showers. happy monday, gang!

SO Applicable, it hurts.

as I said in an earlier post, I've been listening to the soundtrack to Wicked lately. one, because my mom and I are going to see it when it comes to Charlotte. (we have opening night!! I can't wait!)

two.. cause I was pretty sick and tired of hearing the soundtrack for Joseph, and thought Rhena could use a different tune to sing all day. every day. day after day. oops, sorry... I thought I was Ben Stiller there for a minute.


anyways... sometimes when you're going through life, you come across a song that hits the spot. whether it's a love song, a break-up song, WHATEVER... just sometimes you get lucky and find a song that you just connect to given the circumstances of your life.

I'm REALLY getting the song "Defying Gravity" right now. like REALLY getting it. like brings-tears-to-my-eyes GETTING IT.

I'm really hoping I'll be over this emotional attachment before the show. I'd hate to be snotting all over myself in public like that.


in other news, I hit and passed my 10% goal. total weight loss since Jan 1st is 14 pounds. I'm going to see if I can lose another 2 pounds or so, then I will stop focusing on weight loss, and put more effort into getting in shape. I don't want to get my ass kicked by the walk again this year.

tonight is CCD, and Troy will not be able to watch the kids, so I'm in for an interesting evening, considering Danny has found a new penchant for screaming/crying like a madman when I'm not around. yeah. good times. I may just dedicate the whole class to praying for my sanity tonight.

sigh

so I just threw a load of laundry in.


yeah. I figured it's only fair that I finish up all of last week's clothes so Troy is really only stuck washing THIS week's.


WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!



I broke the cycle!!! wait for it... I lost 2.2 pounds this past week!!!! even if I lHAD ost the weekly competition, I am SO PLEASED that I finally got a noteworthy loss that I wouldn't care about the laundry. Troy lost 2.8 pounds.. which is awesome, too... he's actually at his lowest weight since moving to North Carolina. I'm very happy for him.


of course, I'm MORE happy for me with no laundry duty this week. cause I'm the WINNER!!!



Weight watchers website continues to UNinspire me. this morning, I recorded my weight like I do every monday... and they had the nerve to tell me that my rate of loss was unhealthy. in the 7 weeks I've been on, I've lost a little over 12 pounds. DUDE. that's LESS than 2 pounds a week average. TOTALLY within healthy parameters. and HOW many weeks in a row of point 6 did I have?


silly, me getting angry at a computer screen. *I'm* happy... and I guess that's all that matters. and I'm still like a pound and a half from my 10% goal weight. Trying to figure out where my REAL goal should be, though. honestly... my REAL goal is to put on a bathing suit without inducing vomit. is there a magic non-vomit number out there?

oh well.. we'll see where I end up. I know one thing for sure.. I'm going to have a cheeseburger on Easter. Troy and I were watching some show on food network, and they featured some dive called The Nook, and they had the MOST GORGEOUSLY GREASY BURGERS (stuffed with CHEESE!! glorious CHEESE!) I may have ever seen.

and while I'll be a dried up shit on a baby's ass if you ever catch me in minnesota... (no offense to you middle-of-the-country-folks) I NEED one of those burgers. so yeah.. for Easter, when Lent is over... we're gonna forego the traditional ham and have stuffed cheeseburgers. well, OUR version of them, anyway. with pierogies. ahh yes.. toilets be warned!!!


alrighty.. speaking of toilets.. gotta make sure rhena didn't fall in ours. or is clogging it with toilet paper.

happy monday, gang!!

Playing Games

ok. if I HAVEN'T said it already, or if you are slow to the chase and haven't figured it out... I have issues.


this whole weight-loss competition I have going with Troy is a BITCH.


I say this because Troy disappears at will to spend time at the gym sweating away whatever evils he might have consumed during the past week.


me on the other hand.... well... if I want to lose weight, I cry. (water weight, right?) or drink lots of coffee so I can shit like a man... which usually ends up with me just crying FASTER... due to the caffiene.


I say most of this in jest. I'm actually getting back into the WW zone. I've come to accept my fate of smaller portions being the healthier option for a person my age and size. or rather, what my size SHOULD be. bleh. to be a few inches taller and 10 years younger!!!


anyways.. I lost last week. the weekly challenge that is. I mean, yes, I lost my standard point-six pounds... but troy definitely lost more weight... so I got bathroom duty. I'm not even going to talk about how I got bleach on new pants while cleaning the bathrooms yesterday.. cause any PRACTICAL person would NOT wear new pants while scrubbing toilets... so yeah. not going there.


I'm ALMOST feeling good about tomorrow's weigh-in, though. knowing troy, he'll bust out with like a 3 pound loss, but as of right now, I think I might break my point-six cycle. after eating breakfast (quiche and coffee), and weighing myself fully dressed (with a sweater, jeans and SHOES on) I am only up point-four pounds from last week's weigh-in. SURELY tomorrow when I wake up, empty the bladder and wear my lightest-fabric pjs... I will be lighter on the scale.


of course... I also plan to add extra cheese to the burrito I'll make for troy when he gets home from the gym. cause you know... every little bit helps. :)

oh, and did I say that this week's loser has to do ALL of the laundry for one week? washed, folded, AND put away? I know this is something I usually do anyway.. but the idea of troy having to do it... and I mean a good solid week's worth.. not just the one or two loads a month he does... well... call me evil.. but that just sounds delicious.


I thought about if I won that I would leave all my laundry scattered around the bedroom and closet and bathroom like he does, and make him go on a daily scouting mission so our son does not start chewing on dirty undergarments (GAG!)... but I will be a good winner (if I win). I WILL put all my clothes in the hamper where they belong.

and if I lose... well... balls to that. I really am hoping to win this week. maybe I'll use the full-fat sour cream in his lunch, too. no. extra cheese. definitely extra cheese. between the fat, calories, and the possible bonus of constipation... I really stand the chance to win this week.


stay tuned for tomorrow's results!

I say whore, you say BAGGER

TELL me how pleased I am that I just spent the kids' ENTIRE naptime looking for my merigue powder.


OF COURSE it was hidden among the soup cans.


cause you know.. soup.. baking cookies. yeah.


looks like my next 'project' will be to clean/organize the pantry. because the thing I really love to do most (aside from making cookies that I can not eat) is seeing all the food in the pantry that I can not eat.


ok.. before I waste the last remaining 5 minutes of nap time complaining about how I only have 20 points a day for weight watchers and I'm CONSTANTLY HUNGRY and STILL only lost point six pounds and at that rate it's going to be another 6 weeks of eating birdseed if I want to hit my 10% goal... yes.. before I do that... I should go decorate those damn cookies.


by the soup cans. damnit!!!!

here come the troops!

ok.. so I kinda had a teeeeny bit of a breakdown last week.

I allowed myself a good cry or two on Friday (ok, it was more like 3 or 4) but still... who's counting.

the sheer act of crying and allowing a little pity party for myself was energizing and therapuetic. and then life was good again.


ok.. so maybe life got good again, because I actually got to see Troy and have a conversation with him. I have been BLESSED with good friends and a supportive family, and I really can't illuminate just how critical all of them are to my mental well-being in so many ways... but the biggest and most important outside influence on me is without a doubt Troy. When he and I are running seperate shifts or are away from each other for too long... I slowly start falling apart. Hard to admit that, being that I pride myself on how independant I am... but that man is so engrained in my mental and emotional infrastructure... I'd be a lying fool to ever say that I don't need him in my life.

so yeah. he came home on friday evening. before the kids' bedtimes. I finally exhaled.


then.. before I knew it.. things were good again. talked to my mom on saturday, and she said they decided they were going to come down for a visit. I KNOW my distressed state is what prompted the visit, and I tried to assure them that all was fine. but hey... where do you think I get my stubborness from? so they'll be here on wednesday. we're all pretty excited.


Sunday was the stuperbowl.. and we went to our neighbors' house. Chili was had, and it was so good. I gotta tell you.. those two have the LOCK DOWN on chili and cornbread. It was a very nice visit. rhena was beside herself to be at their house playing... *I* was beside myself to be out of the house and to be around other adults.. and even though danny did frizzle out about an hour into the game and we had to leave before halftime... it was very nice of them to have us over. again. good times.


tonight is CCD... and troy's planning on coming home to watch the kids. !!! I still know not to hold my breath until he actually calls and says he's on his way.. but I know that he'll try to make it happen.


and tomorrow!!! DATE NIGHT!!! My girlfriend is going to babysit for us, and Troy and I are going to start on our new year's resolution of hitting at least 6 of charlotte's top restaurants this year. A new place opened up here in town, and since wednesday starts lent, I'm gonna have my own personal Fat Tuesday.


ooh.. speaking of FAT... weighed in this morning. AGAIN only point-six pounds down. I totally know that I should have been down more, but in addition to the chili and cornbread and potato chips... I also had some espresso brownies and oreo cheesecake yesterday. and AGAIN I'm constipated.


I'm convinced it's my shitty binge-eating that wrecks my digestive tract on the weekends, and stops my ass up. I should switch my weigh-in day to like wednesday. I'm usually my lowest weight on wednesdays and thursdays. oh well. I still lost this week. annnnd... snicker snicker.. troy GAINED weight!!! so I win DOUBLE this week.

I couldn't think of anything creative as a prize this week, so stuck with the massage theme. BUT.... because I lost and troy gained.. he owes double. so now I get TWO half-hour massages. sweet.

so there you have it.

hope everyone had a good weekend.

Locked out!

so this morning is interesting... I logged into our online banking this morning, and when I went to our 'bill-pay' feature (I like to see what bills have been sent out, what ones are dues, and which ones are still being processed... gives me an idea of how much money is really in the account, versus the number I see as the balance...)


anyways.. even though I could log into my account, I couldn't access my bill-pay features. damnit.

so then I hopped over to one of the two credit cards we keep.. same thing there... wouldn't let me access the account. hmph.


I suppose that's not exactly blog-worthy.. but hey. I'm trying to get back into blogging again.


in other news.... I've had a run of crazy dreams again lately. very tense ones at that. the other day I was dreaming that the entire family on my mom's side was trapped in the basement of our house (pre-fire days) waiting on a hurricane or tornado to hit. Even some people from my high school were there.. which is strange, cause I only talk to about 3 people from high school still. anyways.. I distinctly remember having rhena sitting next to me, and me stressing the fuck out internally about the impending doom heading our way, but trying to stay lighthearted and calm around rhena so SHE wouldn't worry. bleh. I woke up wondering how mothers (or fathers for that matter) tend to their children during natural disasters. bleh again. I was very tense when I woke up.


another dream was that I was living in the world of Call of Duty 4. and I was truly running around like I do when *I* play the game. which, btw.. is quite the scene to watch, cause I spin around and bump into walls more than I actually shoot people. once again I woke up tense and exhausted.

there have been little flashes of dreams here and there in addition to the big ones, but again.. very tense themes. I think it's because of this damn diet. I'm so freaking hungry all the time so I go to bed tense. maybe? or maybe I'm just tense in general? uh.. probably.

I WILL say for the record, though, that when troy called from his real job (not the part-time job) saying that he would be working late once again.. he came home around 7:30pm. which is actually EARLY in the grand scheme, being that he normally has been coming home around 11pm or midnight.. but since it was just one shift at the real job.. well then I guess it was late.. but I digress... besides.. I'm confusing myself.

ANYWAYS.. we said screw it and ordered pizza. crispy, greasy.. bad-for-my-ass PIZZA. it was delightful.


and you know something??? I had no bad dreams last night. a little heartburn... but no bad dreams.

I'm a loser, baby

yeah... lost the weekly weigh-in to troy this week. bastard was down THREE POUNDS!!! seriously!


I was down point-6 pounds.. so not BAD.. but clearly not good enough. I owe the man another back-rub.


though I have to say... I should have planned this weekly betting thing a little better. not ONLY am I raring with PMS (can you saying walking BLOAT??) but I ALSO haven't crapped since friday. so pretty much once a month I screwed with the weight.


I can only hope that by next week (and a few good dumps) I will be bloat free and down a bit more than I was this week.

other than that.. same ole same ole. I'm hungry... and now with the added bonus of hormones. and constipation. good times!!!

Win some, lose one

bleh. I knew this would happen. Troy whooped my ass this week in our diet challenge.


He lost 3.8 pounds this past week, and I only lost one. I SHOULD be happy, considering I ate at wendy's on friday (junior bacon cheeseburger AND french fries... I about died from the delight of it all) AND I have yet to go to the gym.... and hey.. one pound is one pound!

but still. I hate losing. losing in a competition, that is.. not losing weight. we've already established that I like to do that.


The prize this week is that the winner receives a half-hour, full-attention (meaning no tv, no excuses) massage from the loser. bleh. I HATE giving massages. I have weak hands or something (read I'm lazy) but man.. I just lose interest in the giving after like... 2 minutes.


oh well. fair and square.. I'll pay up. my total loss is up to 6.2 pounds. not bad for 2 weeks in.



in other news.. I participated in a north carolina university survey yesterday. it was based on parenting techniques/discipline behaviors. there were a lot of questions that established environment.. such as race, income, neighborhood, and marital status as well as primary child care situations.


after all that was established, they asked my and troy's habits in terms of interaction with Danny. they stated that their line of questioning comes from statistical findings of discipline methods from around the country as well as around the world. so yeah, yeah.. I started answering. the questions started off easy enough... how often do I praise Moosey, cuddle with him, read a book to him. then they got into the negative disciplines... asked how often I or my husband hit danny with an object such as a belt, spoon, or hairbrush on his buttocks.


This question didn't strike me as too alarming, as I know there are people (some of which I consider friends) that consider 'spanking' as an effective method of discipline for their children. This is NOT a method that Troy and I believe in or will ever be convinced to employ for our children for SO MANY reasons that I shall not list here... as that is not my topic. not that I've ever been afraid to go off topic or say something that might piss other people off... I just want to get back to the survey.


anyways.. I was easily able to answer the questions seeking to know that troy and/or I have never smacked, swatted or otherwise hit our children with any object or with our bare hands on their buttocks, back, head or other part of their bodies. Then the questions went further. have we ever pinched our children? intentionally put spicy food in their mouth as a form of punishment? called them names like stupid or useless? threatened to leave and never come back? locked them out of the house? scream or curse at the child? shake to stop crying? scald, brand, or otherwise burn?


at this point in the survey, I could not contain my emotions. the 'focus group' of the survey were children UNDER the age of two. answering these questions and watching Moosey play in front of me made me want to throw up. do people REALLY do that? to BABIES???


overall, the survey made me sick and unsettled. are we as a society THAT uneducated and barbaric?

again.. it made me sick and unsettled. and perhaps there's no point to my writing this other than to get it out of my system. I know where I stand in terms of what I feel is acceptable methods of discipline for my children, and I will do my best to always rise above the symptoms of the situation so that my children can learn to do the same in THEIR future without resorting to violence. my only question is that I wonder if that's going to be enough.


note - If you want to comment, I encourage you to keep in mind the following. First and foremost... this is NOT about you. If YOU do or don't beat, curse at, swat or otherwise hit your children in the past, present or intend to do so in the future... that's your business. Frankly, I don't WANT to know. I just wanted to share my personal experience and reactions to something that happened yesterday. and to let it go.


at the end of the day, I found myself able to love my children even MORE. My resolve to be a positive influence on my children was re-established and recharged. and while I know that's no sure-fire guarantee that my kids will turn out to be GOOD people when and as they grow up, it's still what's going to work for me and troy.

getting there

DAMN I can just not seem to get myself organized this year.


I fear that with each passing year it's going to take me longer and longer to recover from 4th quarter.. and soon I'm just going to say fuck it all and leave the christmas tree up all year.

like I did in seattle.


sigh.


of COURSE I would be much more inclined to DO SOMETHING if I wasn't so damn distracted being HUNGRY all the live-long day. yes.. I started up weight watchers again. it's so embarrassing... I lost all that weight.. was down to a happy place in the 120's... then I stopped nursing, kept eating, and wham-bam-thank-you-fat m'aam, I'm back up in the 130's.

the GOOD news is that I've enlisted Troy to join WW, too. hey.. misery loves company, right? but the bastard that he is.. gets like 300 points a day, to my measly 23. oh well... I will survive.


in fact, one week down already. I think I was too busy bitching about how hungry I was to keep track of time, but sure enough.. one week has passed. happily, I did lose 5.2 pounds... but alas.. my period is also gone, so I'm thinking some of that weight was for sure due to Aunt Flo. no matter.. that's an encouraging start.. and compared to Troy's 5.8 pounds lost... I maintain the higher percentage of weight lost for the week, and he... must clean all the bathrooms this weekend.

ain't love grand?


oh well. back to the grind. cause posting to a blog sure isn't helping to get the decorations put away.

in the wee small hours of the morning

Danny was up early today.

I'm not going to get into how I'm really really trying to teach him that it's ok to sleep through the night right now, cause that's just a sad sad topic. period.


Anyway.. he was up at 6am, so I decided to hit the streets.

we got a good 20 minute walk in, and while I have to clock the mileage, I think we did a little over a mile and a half. not bad. definitely a good way to get the blood pumping for the day. oh, and to burn off the big-assed sandwich, beer, and two cookies I had for dinner the night before.


it's interesting what a different place stepford is in the morning. It's so quiet. I love it!


no screaming kids, no gossiping hens, no toothpaste commercial smiles on every corner with their perfectly practiced queen's waves.

don't get me wrong.. I actually do like the elements of stepford that make it, well.. stepford. I ENJOY the friendliness and sense of community... the warm and welcoming smiles, the friendly banter...

but I also like to be left alone occasionally. especially after a long night of screaming and crying. actually gives me a chance to think.


so today I was thinking about friends. Granted, I've been thinking about them for a while now, but this morning, I was thinking about certain friends that I haven't seen in a while, then I started thinking about some friends that have been around the whole time.


it's funny how you can have friends that things are always good with, others that you kinda get into a rut and go on auto-pilot, then others still that were always kind of there all along, but recently you realize just how very similar you are with them and you wonder why in hell you're not at their house right now drinking coffee.

but I guess in some respects, the friendships I have and maintain are just reflections of my own life as it has its ups and downs. ... and the wheels go round and round....


ok. that's enough babble. I guess I'm just saying that it was a nice walk this morning. Nicer still when I got home and was able to unstrap the Moose from my chest. you don't think about what a difference losing 20 pounds is until you strap it on, have it bounce around for 20 minutes. Hard to realize I had that much extra bouncing around for about 7 YEARS. yikes!



happy friday, gang!

128 pounds of fat on the wall

ok. maybe 128.2 pounds. and not as much fat, cause did I tell you I lost another point-eight pounds this week?


grand total is 15 pounds since starting.

5 more to go, y'all.....

On again, off again

That pretty much sums up life these days. whether we're talking about the potty, sleep habits, or my weight... I honestly feel like a damn yo yo.


ok.. maybe not so much my weight.. thankfully; that's been steadily coming off. HOWEVER... I would be a big fat (albeit getting skinnier) liar if I didn't admit that my eating habits have been crazy erratic lately. one day.. I'm all super-fab-rock-star-dietary-MASTER... the next, I'm chowing down on my beloved kettle corn, justifying that if I eat it standing up that it might not be worth as many 'points'. so yeah... eating... out of control.

BUT!! against all odds... I continue to lose. I have officially hit my first goal with weight watchers... that beloved 10%. If you happened to read here about 2 months ago, you would have seen that my starting weight was clocked at 143.2 pounds. As of Friday... I weighed in at 129.0 pounds. that makes my total loss at 14.2 pounds. now TECHNICALLY, I realize that I'm not at a full 10% until I lose 14.3 pounds.... but since the scale I weigh in at measures in increments of two-tenths, and since it's my blog, I'm calling it official at 10%. Next stop... 123.2 pounds. that would make my total loss at 20 pounds... I might actually just get there, too... if I could step away from that damn kettle corn! HAH!


so let's see.. more in the on-again-off-again department... the potty. if I tell you we have been on and off that toilet more times a day than I had hair colors in college.. it's an understatement. but I imagine that anyone who has a child that knows how to use the toilet (the child, that is... )can attest to that. It truly is a lot of work, and demands a LOT of energy. positive, up-beat, do-a-lot-of-sitting-and-waiting-but-be-really-frigging-happy-and-entertaining-the-whole-time-even-when-the-other-child-is-screaming-his-head-off energy.

Troy has been GREAT with Rhena through this process, and has really been able to get her to 'make poopies'. At first I was a little jealous that he can come home from work, swoop in, and she magically pees or drops logs.... but now I'm just happy it's getting done. I'm actually beginning to believe that she will be able to attend school this fall. Of course.. there's the other notion that we will in no way be able to AFFORD said school, cause with all the prizes we have been offering to get the pee pee to wake up and the poops to come out.. well.. let's just say we could go broke. I'm thinking BIG-ass yard sale in a month from now. or, just pray that the Moose likes pink toys, and I can recycle all this crap when HE starts to potty train.


Speaking of Moosey... he's 6 months old now. !!!! seriously... you know what a slap in the face as to what kind of fog I've been in it was when I realized he turned SIX MONTHS OLD???? apparently, while I wasn't sleeping.. time kept right on ticking. who knew?

and sleep is what I have not been doing. for a few days last week, Danny actually slept the entire night. 7pm - 6am. !!!!! of course, *I* did not sleep, because I kept waiting for the little bugger to start wailing in the wee hours. And as if on cue... I began to believe. I believed in the idea of going to bunco again. of going out to dinner with my husband... ( like on a date! -- crazy, I know!) I believed in sleep.

and just as I bought into the sweet sweet dreams of the night... the waking began again. I attribute it to the new tooth he has coming in. poor little guy has a HOLE in his gum, waiting for the pearly while spear to coming a' pokin through. It sucks that we're back to square one of him waking... more so because now the crying spells are lasting longer and longer (last night I seem to recall a starting time of 2:44am, with him FINALLY settling down at 4:03am. bleh!) but it sucks cause he's miserable, and I don't quite know what else to do for the boy.

oh well. this too shall pass, right? right.

like I said... on again, off again.

progress

so... today is friday, which is my weigh-in day at weight watchers. I'm at 129.8 pounds, which is down 13.4 pounds since I started. not bad!! I've really eased off my obsessive point-counting (even had a few slices of a pan pizza from pizza hut last night!!!)

however... I feel like a lost soul in community college when it comes to WW... they're on me to declare a goal. I know I should, and you're 3x as likely to MEET a goal if it has been declared... but I don't want to just yet. I'm THINKING maybe 124 pounds.. or 123.2, which would be down 20 pounds total since I started... but part of me is worried I'll never get there, then I'll feel like a failure.

I dunno. my immediate goal is to have lost 14 pounds, which is what THEY said to do. I guess they start you at aiming to lose 10% of your weight. so... .6 pounds to go.

I probably would have made it this morning if I was able to take a crap before the weigh-in, but alas... pizza hut got the better of me, and I was all stopped up. BUT.. back to my 'progress' theme... I did just drop some logs, so it is very possible I'm at my goal right now. hah!! I suppose it's also very possible that you don't care to read about my shitting habits, but whaddaya expect?? SOMEONE'S always doing SOMETHING here at the apollo!!!


speaking of someone... the MOOSE has begun to eat food. and sleep in his crib. !!!! He's still getting up from hunger in the middle of the night, but we're working on the solid food stuff, and he's screaming less and less when placed in his crib. (ok.. I'm just getting better about waiting till he's damn near passed out from milk-overload before PUTTING him in the crib... but still.... less screaming. progress!!!)

at any rate... I'm feeling better about things. or at least more hopeful. still frigging tired... but definitely more hopeful.

and you know... lighter. Did I mention I'm down over 13 pounds??? booooyah!

Nightcrawler

I am a shadow.

I creep around our house at all hours in the night. tending to this one, wiping up that one, kicking the other to stop snoring, and peeing like a stealth soldier.

for the past week... I have been getting up.. on average... about 6 times a night.

can I tell you how very fucking tired I am???


oh well. goes with the territory of trying to teach your baby that it's ok to sleep in a crib by himself in his own room. of COURSE... NEXT week, I'm going to try to start teaching him that he does NOT need to eat every hour and a half. I'm thinking this might be met with much resistance and for sure.. even more crying. perhaps this weekend will be a good time to stock up on coffee. And did I mention we are once again in the season of the nosebleed???? yeah.. rhena's been waking up every other night with a nose bleed. not sure if it's the onset of our warmer weather, the air conditioning, or maybe I need to add ANOTHER humidifier to her room??? poor baby, though. her bed's been looking like a murder scene.

On an obsessive-compulsive note, however.. I've become pretty neurotic about this whole damn diet thing, and I've taken to weighing myself at odd-hours of the night. cause you know... after waking up and shushing your babies.. why not check your weight???

issues, I know. but so far I'm down like 11 pounds, and I'm hoping to be down even more tomorrow when I weigh in. but the lack of sleep is not helping. at least when I'm asleep, I'm asleep. brain is off. this getting up in the middle of the night means my brain is awake, which means I start thinking about wonderful things like cheetos and fried chicken and chocolate and pies... yes.. a pie sounds SO good right now....

perhaps salivating burns calories??? I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

What's the point???

ok... so the diet.


It's been a week now, and I have to say that my strategy of TOTALLY pigging out on chips ahoy last week so I was fatty mc big-big for my first weigh-in paid off.


I had a weigh-in today; my first since starting this blasted change to my life. in the one week since starting the diet.. I have lost 6 pounds!!

can I get an "awwwww schniggity!!!" ????


yeah yeah.. I'm happy, but I'm also being realistic. This was probably just a one-time thing, and the rest of the weight is going to be a long slow battle.


but that's cool. I'll continue to (silently) count up my points until my stomach finally learns that it does NOT need 6 strips of maple-flavored bacon to survive on the weekends. or cheetos. or cupcakes. Ok.. the cupcakes might be a hard sell.. but you know what I mean.


Happy weekend, gang!!! Stay tuned next week when I'm SURE to have a crowd pleaser with "why my body looks like skin-covered jell-o".....

Last Supper

yeah... so ironically.... I celebrated my own little version of a Last Supper last night.


no... I'm not about to get crucified or anything... I just mean to say that last night was my last meal of gorging on meats and cheese with a side of more. (more meat and cheese and potatoes and junk and.. and... and...)

Yes... I have to admit it... my fat ass has started Weight Watchers.


today.



My starting weight was only 2.4 pounds above their published 'healthy' range for my height... but at 143.4.... I have to say it's about time I do something.


Now.. I WILL admit that although I wasn't hungry for them.. I DID knock back 4 chunky chips ahoy cookies (each cookie is approx 700 calories and like 30 grams of fat) AND I also took an extra spoonful of my homemade macaroni and cheese. This wasn't necessarily a 'last hurrah' kind of gorging... it was strategy, you see.


so I FIGURED if I stuffed myself to the bones and wore heavier clothing (I'm wearing cords today!) to the weigh-in... then THEORETICALLY... my very first weight in would be a devastatingly high number. SO HIGH, in fact, that it would be virtually IMPOSSIBLE for me to NOT have good results (read big weight loss) by next week's weigh-in.

I feel like I just won immunity this week on the Biggest Loser, and I'm setting myself up for a significant loss at the NEXT weigh-in so I can be above the yellow line!!


*chirp chirp* said the crickets as Carrie realizes she's gone on such a tangent that no one even gives a shit what she's saying anymore....


anyways... I've always rationalized that I look fine, and for someone in their mid-30's, I don't need to be super skinny. after all.. I'm a MOM now!!! I'm SUPPOSED to be soft, right???

maybe not so much.


So while I'm not so bad off that I'm COMPLETELY disgusted with myself and crying while looking in mirrors (strike that... I tried on a bathing suit the other day and was pretty grossed out by my rear view) ANYWAYS.... I think I need to drop 10-20 pounds. Not so much for the idea of being the magical weight of 125... but for feeling good about myself and being happy in a size 4 or 6.... not an 8 or 10 where I am now.

so now it's time for me to put up or shut up. I'm hoping by being honest about my standing weight (and not the 30 glorious seconds a day after I wake up, pee, take a crap and am naked on a scale that I clock in at 138.4) and stop blaming the doctor's office scale for being off, or my clothes for being heavy.... or one of the many many many other reasons why I justify some number for being ok even though it makes me puke a little in my mouth to hear someone tell me that THAT particular number is my weight....


anyways.. I'm hoping to find the real Cze-Johnson under all these thighs. you know the girl.... she's the one who swore she'd never ever EVER buy 'mom jeans'... especially for herself.


wish me luck! oh, and apologies in advance if I end up being a little bitchy in the next few weeks. Apparently, in addition to having loads of fat in each cookie... those Chips Ahoy bastids also put mild sedatives in every bite!

Just a drop

it may not be much.... but Boogie peed one tiny drop of pee on the big girl toilet today.


PFC.


(pretty fucking cool)



in other news, more scandal is to be had with insurance and zofran. apparently there is NO federal regulation that states that a patient can only receive X-amount of the puke-soother in Z-amount of time. My insurance are just cheap ass lying motherfuckers trying to save a dime. did I mention lying? and cheap? fuckers.


so whatever. I've been on a different med this past 2 weeks, and things started off super groovy. I actually had 9 days in a row without puking. then two days in a row of massive hurls. Then another 4 days off from puking, only to be hit up like a hungover grad student today.

yes... I puked. yes.... it was nasty. as in leftover-baklava-from-this-weekend's-greek-festival-out-my-nose nasty. told you..... nasty.

and who knew that one bite of a hotdog could produce THAT much vomit??? surely not I. well.. maybe I did, but seriously.. what normal person thinks about shit like that? wait... don't answer that.


in other news.. I put on a pair of jeans today that I used to wear after rhena was born. and they fit me. I find it slightly disturbing that what used to be a regular part of my wardrobe for about a year now currently fits a woman who is seven months pregnant. perhaps I should make a better effort after this thing comes out on getting back into shape. one that isn't santa-like, that is.


but whatever... I'll deal with that in roughly 8 weeks. right now I'm dealing with the fact that Boogie-child is turning TWO. Boogie-child-made-a-drop-of-pee-pee-on-the-big-girl-potty is turning TWO!!!!! How in hell we both made it this far I'll never know... but I'm sure glad we're still together. I really do love that kid.

more to come in the following days as I prep for the buggy-butterfly-garden-stepford-extravaganza party, and attempt to use fondant icing for the first time. oh, and you know... work on not puking and stuff.

peace out!

The size of things

Some people say that size matters.


I'm one of 'em.



So.... I had my 38 week appointment yesterday. Typical appointment.... pee in a cup, step on the scale (up another pound, BTW), take the blood pressure, drop the pants, and dig up the cooch.


I'm not going to get into the whole cold-sweat thing I experienced when I actually LOOKED at the scale this week. True, I'm up a pound, which is good.... which makes my gain like 11 or 12 pounds... also good. what's not-so-good is realizing that if I've only gained 11 or 12 pounds for this pregnancy.... eeeeek!!!! how big WAS I before I got knocked up???? but again.... I'm not going to get into that. the past is out of my reach, and pictures proving my former bigness are well hidden, so forward march!!!!!


yes... what clicks my door opener this week is what the doc said after he inspected the inner sanctum of baby-land. After fiddling on my monster's head for a minute, he took off the gloves and started palming my stomach like he was Spreewell on a free throw line. After a few hmmmm's and huh's, gropes and squishes, he sat me up and said I needed an ultrasound.

Ever the glutton for punishment, I asked why.

He said he wanted the techs to do a fetal weight check. yeah...... annnnnnd?


well, he *could* be wrong, but he's thinking that the babe in said toyland is rapidly approaching, or possibly already AT the nine pound range.


excuse me, I'm sorry... I was distracted by the paper sticking to my bare ass..... did you just say NINE POUNDS?????????


obviously, being naked from the hips down removed my option of running screaming from the room... or at least waddling away as fast as a woman with 90 year old hips can manage.....

I impressed myself by not screaming, but I do believe my jaw dropped and a squeak came out.


He must have seen my eyes triple in size, cause he then began to say that it COULD be that I was having a contraction when he was feeling the monster, which would make him over-estimate the size of the intended vaginal projectile.

Through the dull ringing of the words 'nine pounds' being repeated in my head like the Brady Bunch episode where the kids remembered only too late that mom always said not to play ball in the house.... yes....through the the ringing I heard something to the effect of him being wrong with tall girls, but since I'm neither tall nor comfortable with a nine pound child, I really couldn't tell you what he said.


nine pounds. good gravy. and it's still got another 2 weeks to grow!!!!!


So I go on Tuesday to get this kid sized up. what all of this ultimately means, I have no idea. There was talk that if the kid is indeed that big, it may have a problem coming through the chute, so to speak. maybe they'll induce me and get it out sooner---- maybe I'll have to have it cut out of me.... I dunno.

So I'll continue to sweat it out until Tuesday. My next appointment is on Thursday, so I guess that will be decision time... especially if the kid is a heffer.

think small thoughts in the meantime, kiddies----- I don't even BOWL with a 9 pound ball, ok?

ok... enough on this. me and Baby Huey have to go lay down.

You win some, you lose some

well--- so much for my glory days of high-fiving doctors.

I had my 2-week appointment today (currently at 33 weeks in this pregnancy) and the scales (despite wearing clunky high heels) did NOT lean in my favor.


I lost another 6 pounds.


Just like that, America's Pregnant Sweetheart turned into Mommy Dearest. There were no lauds.... there were no smiles.... just those damn smug receptionists looking at me like I'm intentionally starving my baby.

My doctor isn't TOO concerned, but he was stumped how I could lose so much weight. The tie breaker will be when I go back in 2 weeks, he says.... but I know it won't be good if I'm not up again.


I just don't know how I can eat anymore. Murry has filed a stalking suit against me, and I'm on a first-name basis with the girl at the pretzel counter at the mall. People at my food store are suspicious that I'm casing the joint, cause I keep showing up when the bakery section is putting out new bread. In fact, I feel guilty now as I type, cause I'm not eating at the same time. God forbid I'm burning calories with my fingers, and not ingesting 3x the amount simultaneously.


Well, like the two hopefuls on jeopardy each night, I will find a way to beat Ken. I will be heavier in two weeks.... even if it means stuffing my pockets with jars of tomato sauce before I step on the scale.