Perspective

So... we're closing in on another Easter. that's cool. you know.. if you're in to Jesus and all that. As y'all know, I'm on the Catholic plan... so Easter is celebrated up in here. so again.. yay for that!


It's been an interesting few months around here.... though clearly not THAT interesting, cause really? if I had something good to blog about I probably would have. and this blog has been collecting more dust than my china closet lately.

so no. not interesting, really. at least not what the general public may consider interesting. but I think I've said that already. (wow... talk about rusty journaling... I suck at blogging anymore! I can't even TYPE coherently. y'all are probably thinking.. shit.. she finally posts and THIS is what we get??? )


so what exactly DID I have to say?

lent. lent was good to me.

please note that I did not say lent itself WAS GOOD. no... I'm very cranky right now as I REALLY REALLY fucking miss coffee. STUPID! WHY did I give up coffee? does giving up coffee make Jesus love me more? DOUBT IT! and tea? meh. I've been drinking it for the caffeine... but I'm SO OVER IT. I neeeeeeeed a cup of coffee. really. with creamer. mmmmm. I can't wait til Easter.


but that bit aside.. Lent was good TO me. I fasted. I abstained. I chose differently. I took some time and actually walked the walk a little.

I wouldn't say I feel HOLIER. no.. I'm still a mess of a woman who gets cranky when things don't go right. DEFINITELY not more holy.

but I DO feel more at peace. (now the REALIST in me can argue that I feel more at peace because my jeans fit me again from the few pounds I've lost... ) but something.... I dunno. just feels more CONNECTED.

connected with WHAT... I can't quite say. perhaps myself. perhaps the world? can't tell. but I feel more appreciative. hopeful. inspired.

like.. I'm noticing all the GOOD that happens in the world again. I'm seeing people and relationships as inter-woven tapestries instead of compartmentalized blips you turn on when you need them. And I'm TOTALLY buying into the idea that my little good deeds and acts of kindness CAN inspire others to do likewise.

not that I didn't do things in the past. it's just that now I feel like my purpose for doing a good deed is to spread joy to someone else, and not for someone else to recognize me.

though I suppose that's a contradiction in a way. now more than ever I'm making sure that what I do is something that can and will be recognized by my children. well-- as something they, too, would like to do or say. but GENERALLY speaking... know what I mean?

Anyways. I feel... much like spring and Easter itself, I have, through this past Lenten Season, shed some darkness, and am rising up into a new season of me. I'm still mournful from Rachel's passing.... but rather than it be the reminder of sadness, guilt, and loss that I've allowed it to be since September, I'm starting to allow Rachel's LIFE be a reminder of how our time here together really truly IS a gift. A chance to do right by each other, to learn, and to teach.

and to just be fucking HAPPY already. know what I mean?

enough of the bitching and moaning of what isn't and what we don't have. Time to start taking stock of what it is we DO have... and more so.. start putting it to good use.


speaking of have and good use. I have 2 bottles of fat free vanilla creamer. Sunday's almost here, gang.

Wisdom

I was asked to do a reading at my cousin Rachel's funeral. In continuation of my inability to put my feelings into words, I offer these thoughts:


A reading from the Book of Wisdom:

The just man, though he die early,
shall be at rest.
For the age that is honorable comes not
with the passing of time,
nor can it be measured in terms of years.
Rather, understanding is the hoary crown for men,
and an unsullied life, the attainment of old age.
He who pleased God was loved;
he who lived among sinners was transported -
Snatched away, lest wickedness pervert his mind
or deceit beguile his soul;
For the witchery of paltry things obscures what is right
and the whirl of desire transforms the innocent mind.
Having become perfect in a short while,
he reached the fullness of a long career;
for his soul was pleasing to the LORD,
therefore he sped him out of the midst of wickedness.
But the people saw and did not understand,
nor did they take this into account.



___________________


Make a difference. Visit Rachel's Memorial Page, or my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer page.

the Last Supper

now you KNOW that here at the Fever I do a LOT of talking about food. I've also been doing a lot of bitching about how I can't wait to eat sweets and meat again when Lent is over.. but that's just me being good at bitching.

so a few weeks ago, we were talking about the Last Supper in my CCD class. Today is Holy Thursday in the Catholic faith, which commemorates Christ's last meal with his disciples. Now, whether or not you are Catholic (or some other form of Christianity) and believe in Christ as a form of a Savior... there is recorded history that a man named Jesus celebrated a Passover meal a long assed time ago with his closest friends the night before he knew he was going to die.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

I have been. I mean.. let's put it this way. If you KNEW you were going to die tomorrow, who would be at your table? and what would your meal be?

I mean.. props to Jesus, cause Jewish or not.. if I knew I was checking out the next day, I'm not sure I'd want to keep to the whole unleavened bread theme of Passover. or maybe I WOULD.. hoping that one last nod of appreciation to my higher power would pull the swing vote for eternal good graces. but I dunno. I've been doing my own 'nod of appreciation' for lent, and seriously? I'm ready to get my eat on. if I was going to die tomorrow, I might just have to have some Chateaubriand. and bacon. oh my WORD I'd be mowing on some bacon.

And in terms of my guests.... for SURE I would want my nearest and dearest loves to be there. but would I, too have the courage to have those that have betrayed me share my last moments on Earth?


I've had a long time to reflect on my journey through Lent this year. in the past several weeks, I feel I have definitely been making better choices for my self, my family, and for sure, my soul. and it's not just about the foods I was or was not consuming. sure, that was a vehicle to get me to that place of thinking.. cause again.. momma loves some food. you want me to think about ANYTHING, then just attach it to some food, and I'll percolate on it all damn day. but it isn't and WASN'T about the food. it was about nourishment, growth, and living.


and while I feel I have definitely improved the nourishment, growth and living in a personal sense.. I still wonder if my OUTWARD sense of those attributes have improved. *IF* I were to die tomorrow, have *I* nourished, grown and lived for those in my life enough? I know I'm not ready to die tomorrow, so I'm going to say with confidence that the answer to that is NO.


so today, on this most Holy Thursday, I will celebrate that my dinner will most likely NOT be my last, and that despite Lent drawing to a close... my journey here is not.

so happy first day of spring to you, my readers. may it, and all of your days be filled with nourishment, growth, and LOTS of living.

forgive or forget it

so I was talking to my girlfriend today for a little while. apparently she and her boyfriend broke up over the weekend. she thinks. she's really not sure.

right now she's feeling hurt about the things that were said, and a bit confused because despite hurtful things that were said, he's being very sweet on her today.

it's all rather confusing, actually. or not, if you know my friend.


anyways. does she forgive him? are they broken up? what do I think about this e-mail he sent?

oiy.

something about either a - my age, or b- having 2 kids has made me have so very little energy for game playing.

I mean.. I heard her out, listened to the stress.. but when it was my turn, I told her point blank how I felt.

I asked her if she loved the guy and if she wanted things to work. (she said yes.) I told her that in any relationship.. one of love or of platonic nature... sometimes shit happens. sometimes... a person has other shit going on in life that causes them to inadvertently hurt the person or people they are closest to. sometimes one person hurts the other on purpose. when on the receiving end of the hurt.. you basically have 2 choices. you can either forgive the person and move on, or you can deem the hurt so heinous that the relationship is not salvageable to its original form. Assuming the hurtER is sorry for the hurt. also assuming we're not talking about physical abuse. mamma don't go for abusive relationships.

anyways. neither option is necessarily EASY... but in my own personal experience... having been on both ends of the spectrum here... taking the middle road just doesn't work. When you SAY you forgive someone... then do it. accept their apology and go about fixing things so it doesn't happen again. If the hurt is THAT BAD, and you're not willing to forgive.. then don't! Say the hurt is too bad and you are unable to forgive at this time, if ever.

It's that temptation to SAY you forgive, but carry a grudge or the hurt that sets up an imaginary realm of conditional forgiveness which will ultimately be more toxic to the relationship than the original misgiving.


Maybe this seems so black and white to me because my 2nd graders have the sacrament of Reconciliation during the year I teach. we teach these children that when we confess our sins and profess our true sorrow for having done them, that our God forgives us. He doesn't forgive us of our sins but hold a secret barometer that must be filled before we can be in good Graces again. Doing that would be equal to the apology followed by a "but..". you know the type.. "I'm sorry, but I had to do it." or.. ".. sorry, but it wasn't as bad as what you did to me!" it's like.. what's the point?


And don't mistake my words for claims of not being guilty of the conditional apology or forgiveness. I'm no God, that's for sure.. it's fucking HARD to truly forgive someone. It's also very hard to fess up when you're in the wrong and take accountability for your actions. I've done both. not truly forgiven someone and not given a true apology, that is.

when you give a true apology, it hurts to not be forgiven. But.. to give a true apology, be TOLD that you are forgiven, but constantly be TESTED or QUESTIONED or pushed off.. well, that hurts even more. I mean, sure.. after a hurt when trust has been broken, it takes a while to re-build that trust and love. completely understandable. But it's highly unfair to expect someone to be true to their word when your word is forgiveness and it's not really there. AND.. if this testing phase lasts too long, well, one might be likely to take the hint and just give up.

so I hope my girlfriend figures out what she wants to do, and soon. I know she loves him. she's in uncharted territory now because she has never loved a man like she loves him. I know she's confused and hurt, and depending on exactly what was said, she might not be willing to make nice right now. and I get that. there's definitely been times that I would have rather had Troy strung up by his balls on a barbed wire fence than play house with him. and I've held my grudges with him. thankfully, none of them have been long enough to dishearten him. if that ever happened, I doubt I'd be able to forgive MYSELF.

doctor feelgood

ok, ok.. for all my bitching the past few days... troy FINALLY went to see a doctor. Turns out he had a severe upper respiratory infection, and was chronically dehydrated. They hooked him up to an IV, and a few bags later, he was doing a lot better.

in all seriousness.. I'm happy he's feeling better. I mean... even past my own sanity, I hate when anyone I love is out for the count like that. But like I said... he's coming back around again.


speaking of coming around... I'm starting to feel the payoffs from the investments I've been doing the past year. I think I've touched on it here, and even if not, most of you know me well enough to know that since Danny's birth, I've been going through a restructure of some sorts.


It's as simple as that, too. When Danny came along, I instantly had a new top priority on my plate, and adding a big ole moose to an already full plate made me realize that some shit had to go.

and it's been that way ever since. I feel like I'm CONSTANTLY re-evaluating my life, my actions, and the whole effort-out-reward-in scale. In particular and most recently, I've been using this Lenten period to understand that you really do reap what you sow. in short... if I want good stuff coming back to me in life, I gotta put good stuff out there.


and maybe it's the onset of spring, or troy's shroud of sickness lifting, or just getting into the groove of Lent...but I'm feeling good about the world of Cze lately. Had a great dinner with some good friends this weekend, I'm hearing about a new crop of babies in the making, I've made a lot of progress in prepping things for the consignment sale... I even have a few good books coming my way that I ordered from online.


cut the dead weight. That's what one of our priests was saying about Lent. it's a time to rid your life of the dead weight that keeps you from being happy. and not happy in a materialistic way.. just HAPPY. content. Blessed. a better you.

and whether that 'dead weight' is bad habits, excessive indulgences, emotional hang-ups or just associating with negative people.. (cause everyone has their own thing that holds them back from being a better someone) well.. I sure as hell know it's not my place to tell anyone else what they need to do, or even if it's something they SHOULD do... but I'm glad for this time of year to work on myself. I mean.. I'm not 'there' yet... and I'd be foolhardy to believe I will ever FULLY be 'there'. but the IDEA of 'being there' ... that happy, balanced mom, wife, friend, daughter, woman Carrie.... well, that's a good goal for me to have.


and I don't think that not eating meat, sweets or alcohol for 40 days will be the magic combination that will make me wake up on Easter and feel like a different Carrie. I WILL say, however, with temptations ALL around me, it IS a daily reminder to me during this process of Lent that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I have the choice to stay the course or not. simple idea... BIG transference.

The Sick House

ug.. welcome to the terror dome.


Troy is having stomach issues.


Me? well, I THOUGHT my throat was sore from throwing up yesterday, but it was sore all through the night and still now this morning. lovely.


Rhena? god bless her, she's doing fine.


speaking of blessing.. gotta get ready for church so we can pray that rhena doesn't get sick, too.


have a great day, gang. ours is going to be a very lazy one in these parts.