Just in Case You're Still Listening

Hi Rachie.

Not sure if there's any truth about those souls who have gone on being able to know what's going on here on planet E, but *I* believe in my heart that you're tuned in, so this needs to be said.

Though, I suppose if you ARE tuned in, then I really DON'T need to write this, but this is one of those times where I think it's ok to share with everyone.

ANYWAYS..... (I know, seriously... I CLEARLY haven't perfected the ability to GET TO THE DAMN POINT in the time you've been gone, now, have I?)

so yeah. you know I'm down like a clown for the Avon Walks. But did I ever tell you (this time YOU being whomever is reading, not just Rachel. Rachel's a given.) anyways-- did I ever tell you about how at the walks I would buy Rachel some type of survivor gear? well, I did. And in 2008, I stood in line, picked out my pink stuff, grabbed a cute Survivor hat for Rachel, then muscled my way to the cash register. All was fine until I handed my stuff to the cashier and realized that I was buying a survivor hat for the biggest reason WHY I was doing the walk, and that she had passed away the month prior.

so for any of you who happen to know ME... I shut down in times of crisis... especially emotional ones. SO yeah... frozen with internal vomiting and heartache, I just bought the hat, walked to my car and bawled my eyes out. good times, huh?


So that damn hat has been in my closet.

reminding me.

At one point I considered sending it to Lindsay, Rachie's daughter, but I didn't want to add any more reminders in her life of what she's surviving and living through every day. So in my closet it stayed.

STILL reminding me.

So completely off point, but not really... Troy and I signed up for some "living your strengths" series at church. blahbitty blah... (but not really, cause it's been a GREAT eye opener and I'm glad we've been doing the program) so this woman ended up coming to my house to go through the 'lesson' with me, since the way schedules worked out, I was going to get a private session.

Before the lady comes to my house though, she sends me some cryptic email about not being around germs, and I'm all like.. are you fucking KIDDING me? I have 2 kids!! and I sure as hell don't DUST... so I politely wrote back and told her we're HEALTHY, but if she's afraid of dust, we're going to have to find another place to work.

so ya ya ya.. all's fine. she comes over and we do the lesson, and she's quite a lovely lady. towards the end of the lesson, she semi=apologizes about the germ thing, and I was all.. "yeah, so what's up with that?" and she's all.. "well, you know.. because I'm starting chemo...."


BLERGH.

yeah.. you know.. just starting chemo. no big deal. *sigh*

I kept my shit together for about a good 5 minutes before I was unintelligible in terms of speaking.

________

from then to now is unimportant, but I have to say I feel blessed for having this woman come into my life. She didn't know about the avon walks right here in charlotte, and it felt GOOD to tell her about them. it felt GOOD to meet someone I do this shit for. of course the circumstances suck ass, but this instant kinship I feel with her is a blessing.

no... knowing her won't bring Rachel back, NOR will it lesson the loss we all STILL feel from her passing. no... that part doesn't change.

But my new friend started her chemo today, and in 18 days, when she will begin to lose her hair, she will have a fancy new (ok, maybe not-so-new) pink survivor hat to wear. And while I'm still angry and hurt and EMPTY in so many broken ways that I couldn't give that hat to Rachel... I'm hopeful that the strength and spirit of Rachel will be with my new friend as she fights.


so there. and just in case you ARE listening, Rach... forgive me for the re-gift. But thank you. thank you for bringing her to me and reminding me to never stop fighting.

the after

AFTER I was done calling everyone, cutting out our logo and putting it in buttons, printing signs, doing iron-ons for bandannas and aprons, buying/checking the posters, inflatable guitars, records, glasses and other paraphernalia, going to event eve, meeting the team, giving them their start and meet times, picking up last minute items and driving home... well... AFTER that, I got to tuck in my babies and tell them why I was going to be gone all weekend.

AFTER I told Rhena that I would be gone all weekend for an event that was raising money to fight cancer.. a disease that makes people so sick that some actually die... I cried. I cried because my daughter was going to miss me in the next 2 days, and Lindsay's been missing HER mommy for over two YEARS.

AFTER I woke up at 2:30am, drove downtown, helped to set up breakfast, greet walkers, break down and clean up opening ceremonies, drive to a different location, set up the wellness village, set up the dining service tent, greet more walkers, saw familiar faces, heard 100s of stories-- inspiring, sad, and wonderful, served dinner until after 9, and drove all the way back home... I walked into a house that looked like it had exploded. There was literally stuff EVERYWHERE; icing smeared on the table; empty boxes of cereal on the counters, FULL bowls of cereal in random locations in the tv room... but I didn't do a damn thing. I didn't get angry, I didn't clean, I just said goodnight and walked upstairs for a nap.... grateful for a husband who stopped time in his world so I could volunteer MY time at the walk. Somehow a messy house seemed pretty insignificant at the time.

AFTER a 4 hour sleep, I went back downtown, picked up a crew member at her hotel, got to the wellness village, served breakfast, greeted over 1000 walkers and crew with a hot breakfast, cleaned up, cleaned even more, said my goodbyes, gave my thanks, and got in my car to drive home... well.. AFTER that, I smiled. I SMILED because as I looked at my clock, I realized it was still early enough that there would be moms waking up and greeting their children... snuggling and having breakfast and NOT FIGHTING.

AFTER THAT, I got wistful, because maybe some of those moms WERE fighting, but at least they were still alive to fight another day.

AFTER THAT... I looked at my clock again, and when I realized I had been sitting in my car for three minutes, and according to statistics.. another person was just diagnosed with breast cancer in America.... I let myself weep.


AFTER THAT... I looked at the rising sun, I said a prayer of thanks for my health; a prayer of strength for those who need it, and one more for peace for all the souls who have been lost to cancer... and I drove home to love, hug, and hold the three most important people in my life.

After that? I signed up to do it all again next year.

Good for the Heart

So I found out today that my dad has a blockage in his heart and will need surgery. that kind of blows. I mean, YAY.. it's good on many levels that he's at least seeing a doctor, and they are taking an interest in procedures to you know.. keep him alive. that part I like.

I don't like thinking of the fact that I am getting to the age where my friends' parents are dying. Just last week another one of my friends from high school lost her father. and I definitely don't like the idea of my dad needing surgery. for whatever good it may create.. it doesn't mean I like the idea that he needs it, period. it makes my heart heavy, and don't even get me started about how I can even imagine functioning when the day comes that one of my parents pass away. I start going there and I turn into an emotional wreck... THEN I start thinking about how Rachel is gone and Lindsay doesn't even KNOW the ways she misses Rachel yet. fuuuuuuuuuuck. "hello, psychiatric hotline?? yes, Carrie here... please send the meds... yes... I've gone THERE again..."

The walk is this weekend. I haven't been doing NEARLY as much chatter/fundraising/awareness raising as I normally do. I don't know why that is... it's no less important to me this year than previous years.... Maybe I'm getting to the second stage of things? like with Rhena.. when I was pregnant, and after she was born, I would post about pretty much anything. The monster moved!! I had the craps today!! It's a she!!! SHE had the craps today! etc etc etc.

When I was pregnant with Danny, I didn't feel the need to shout out every detail to whomever would listen. instead, I maintained a quiet, peaceful relationship with the being within. ok, so the fact that he made me puke just about every damn day DID warrant some conversations, but with moosey-- it's always been just... there. not showy, not nearly as public as Rhena... just.. there.

I kind of feel that way now about the walk. It's still necessary for me to be there, and there's things I certainly don't hide about the walk... but it's just... THERE. in my heart, on my mind, part of who I am and what I do... it's just there.

and I'm SO glad the walk is here again. I need to be there. I need to see the hope, the healing, the LIVES that still ARE because people are donating and people are fighting and changes are happening in medicine. THAT'S the kind of shit that's good for MY heart.

think pink, gang. and thanks to any and all of you who made a donation this year, in the past, or will be making one soon.

Dear Rachel

Hi Rachie.


I don't know if you can hear me, feel me, or anything along those lines... but I'm gonna take the chance that you can.

Tomorrow's your birthday. I've been thinking about it for a while, and it's been coming and coming, and already.. wow... here it is.

and you're not going to be older than me.

I'm not here to make YOU feel bad... but damn sam and ten cases of shit fever.... I never thought there'd be an August 25th that I didn't get to remind you that you'll always be older than me.

fuck, dude. you're not HERE.

I suppose that's it in a nutshell. typical me.. self centered. But I miss you. I really do. I read Rob's updates on facebook and I get sad. I see Rhena do something cool and my heart breaks for Lindsay.

I feel guilty for missing you as much as I do, because again, I think about Rob and Lindsay and your parents and Sean. SEAN! can you believe he's getting married? SEAN! little baby Sean... fucking crazy, I tell you.

Anyways... Tomorrow, I'm going to TRY to celebrate your BIRTHday... and the 36 years after August 25th that you LIVED (and were still older than me.. hah!) I'm going to remember you, I'm going to celebrate you, and I'm going to talk about you to anyone who'll listen, and try to get anybody and everybody to donate some money so someday cancer is something people read about in history books. Tomorrow I will try to laugh. (or giggle and snort) I will secretly throw powder at people. I will say 'shit' when I'm not supposed to. I will blame someone else for something mischievous. and just for the hell of it, I'm going to strip in my room.

Yes.. tomorrow.. I will celebrate you, Rachel.

but tonight, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to miss you.

See you on the other side!

ok... first of all.. thank you SOOOO much to the awesome awesome AWESOME words of support y'all have given me these past 2 days.


I had my event eve check-in this evening.. I met 5 of my team members (hoping to meet the other six tomorrow... praying that they show up????) They're great, and this weekend is going to be amazing. I just know it. all my hesitations about this one or that one being team leader are gone, and I'm ready to just go and do what I signed up to do.


I stopped at Target on the way home for 2 last must-have items.. I bought a shower curtain to lay under the sleeping bag.. cause did I mention it's raining here? also got a foam pad so it's not just grass and gravel on my ass, too.

I packed the bag and popped my camera battery into the charger... attempting to set up my text messaging so I can update my twitter this weekend... but who knows if that'll work. if not.. I'll be blogging about the walk next week.


again... thank you all so much. the donations, the encouragement... each of you has been SO GENEROUS time and time again. really.. I was just reading through some back comments, and some of the notes y'all left when you made your donations.... I am like FLOATING right now with the love. I promise you, I plan on giving that back out to the walkers this whole weekend.

thank you all. you'll be with me this whole weekend!


And to my financial donors? I seriously can not express in enough words how much I appreciate you giving money to this cause. I know we all have our reasons for donating... but I truly feel blessed to be associated to your giving.

+ Mom and Dad + Uncle Roy and Aunt Karin + Hector + Avani , Nimish, and Rushabh + Jody, Brad, Dov and Zoe + Fergie, Jamie, and Jackson + Jessica, Mike, Blake and Bella + Jennifer + Maria, Joel, Maddie, Adian, and Clara + Troy, Rhena and Danny + Mom and Dad J. + Stacey, Matt, Emma, and Sophia + Alanna, Todd, and AJ + Marianna + Cathy, Mike, Quinn and Liam + Erin and Chris + Suser, Dan, Liam and Seamus + Kate, Kurt, Max and Georgia + Erin, Marc, and Mason + Nancy, Mike, and Annie + Kelli, Mathew, Kendal and Ava + Hännikins and AHP +

I can't wait to tell all the walkers and crew members I meet about each and every one of you, and how you're not just supporting me.. but them as well. Like I said... you'll be with me all weekend!


now.... it's time for me to get some shut-eye. I need to leave the house by 3:30am... and it seems to be getting closer as I type!


xxoo

see you on the other side!

Stressing Out

So this weekend is the Avon Walk.


I am stressing out.


On one hand, I'm VERY excited to be doing the walk again. After losing Rachel, my affiliation with the fight against breast cancer came to very razor-sharp focus. So there is no question in my mind that this weekend is as necessary as BREATHING to me right now.


however.


Did I mention I'll be camping overnight?


uh-huh.


me. in a tent.

I know, I know.. quit my bitching... I don't even have to walk this year, so sleeping in a fabric contraption on the cold wet ground outside with bugs is the LEAST of the physical sacrifices my body can make for this cause.


but still.


I haven't even attempted putting UP a tent since I was in the girl scouts... and judging by my calculations.. I think that was ABOUT twenty years ago. if not, longer. so there's that.

also?? I'm kind of fearing the team leader thing. If I'm being PERFECTLY honest.... this was not something I signed up for last year. I mean.. I was thinking I would be WALKING this year. then.. you know.. the whole broken toe and shower-door incident. So, ok.. decided to crew.

turns out I was put on a team where the leader MAY or may NOT show up for the weekend of the walk. not once did I get contacted... not once did I get welcomed. but whatever.. I was all new to the crewing thing.. didn't know what to expect.

The week after Rachel died, the Coordinator for the entire crew for the Charlotte walk sent me an e-mail and asked if I wanted to be a co-team leader... explaining that the current leader may not make it the weekend of the walk, and someone should be a point of contact for the team for the event.

ok. So I committed to doing that... and over the past month I have attempted to contact the other leader about 3 times. I WANTED to contact the entire team.. but didn't want to step on any toes... so I kept my attempts to the other leader.

I never heard back from her. NORMALLY... this would have been my green ticket to just bulldoze my way into the group and take over.

BUT I DIDN'T.


I really can't explain why I haven't. I ALSO can't explain why I lost my gumption to confront the coffee shop as to why I didn't see my donation pig on display... or at the very least ask for it back. I just have chickened out.


I do not like feeling like I'm sitting with my tail between my legs... too frightened to go forward, too timid to go back and confront. but yet.. here I am.


I NEED to man up and contact the team, cause I know for sure if I was on the other end I'd be frustrated that I hadn't heard anything yet, and the walk is this weekend. And it's clear the other leader is a flake. (not saying she doesn't have a reason.. just that it is what it is, and she has been totally void of communication.)


I also need to pack my gear bag. and food shop so Troy can keep our kids well-nourished this weekend while I'm at the event. and wash the sleeping bag. and write my thank you notes to everyone who has supported the cause, Rachel's passing, or just me in general.

perhaps 'stressed out' is not the word I'm looking for. Overwhelmed may be more like it.


anyways... I'm here. I'm excited. nervous. ready. TOTALLY not ready.

sigh.


I'm going to go breathe into a paper bag or something.

And so it grows....

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for this post. I'm still a bit out of practice with my blogging habits, so I imagine this will be choppy and full of tangential thoughts at best.


I've been very 'off' since Rachel's death. not the full-on depressed and mournful as I was in the beginning of September... but yet.. I've been feeling raw. exposed. weak. tired?

like I said.. off.


Don't get me wrong.. things are returning to normal. Rhena's back in school, we have our schedules to keep, I'm baking again, and just life in general is just moving right along. this is good. Even though for quite a while I have just been going through the motions of life and not necessarily FEELING them.. I look with confidence on those actions in a way that I can say at least I was moving.


But this moving along has brought me back to a sense of remorse.. kind of similar to what I felt when I first discovered I was pregnant with Danny. not that I was sad that I was pregnant with our second child.. no.. I was SO deeply happy and feeling blessed about that. but yet... I felt a nagging guilt that i WAS pregnant, and I had friends that were still unable to conceive. I even kept the news from my cousin Rachel for several months because I felt guilty that she would never be able to be pregnant again.

Nowadays, I see myself trudging forward in my daily activities... little by little moving on and becoming whole again... and once again I feel guilty because Rachel can not. who am I kidding. because Rachel is no more. It's not right. and don't get me started about it not being fair.

so yeah.. there's that. and I KNOW I need to let it go, and accept. and I am. I have. ok... I'm trying.

but the guilt. and anger. the anger more than anything. like the kind of anger that makes me actually see myself punching someone. like a real Rocky Balboa punch.. not some weak-wristed bitch slap. bleh. I'm trying.


The walk (and my involvement in it) is helping. To date... over $1600 has been raised... and I have some piggy banks out in the community, hoping to wrangle in more just on spare change and generosity of strangers.

The walk is next weekend.. October 25-26th. Being there and around all that PURPOSE is surely going to be healing. It was last year.... and I didn't even think I needed it last year. This year? I NEED that walk. I need to be around survivors and others who have lost and are still living and know that it's ok to say goodbye. Because as much as I know it in my head... I still can't wrap my heart around it.


Anyways... I was pruning the trees in our front yard yesterday, and it really made me think about all of this. Rachel, me, loss, moving on... the works. I hacked and sawed major branches off. big, leafy, HEALTHY limbs from the tree. gone. When I was done with the two trees, there was a MOUNDS of branches on the ground. like taller than my kids MOUND.

It made me wonder if the tree knew I knew how it felt. I mean.. over time.. pruning those limbs away will be healthy for the tree. It will be taller, stronger.. BETTER for having lost them.

still.


Last night I went back out and cut up the pruned branches to be placed in our yard waste bin. I looked at the trees. While I feel I was pretty conservative in my pruning yesterday... I couldn't help but notice those open spots on the trunk. they were ME.

now if I was a good writer, I'd find some poetic way to end this ramble that would encourage you all to comment.. but I'm not. I'm just a girl who misses her cousin and is trying to deal with that. Take my word when I tell you that I'm here and I'm fine. or at least I will be. me and the trees.

Wisdom

I was asked to do a reading at my cousin Rachel's funeral. In continuation of my inability to put my feelings into words, I offer these thoughts:


A reading from the Book of Wisdom:

The just man, though he die early,
shall be at rest.
For the age that is honorable comes not
with the passing of time,
nor can it be measured in terms of years.
Rather, understanding is the hoary crown for men,
and an unsullied life, the attainment of old age.
He who pleased God was loved;
he who lived among sinners was transported -
Snatched away, lest wickedness pervert his mind
or deceit beguile his soul;
For the witchery of paltry things obscures what is right
and the whirl of desire transforms the innocent mind.
Having become perfect in a short while,
he reached the fullness of a long career;
for his soul was pleasing to the LORD,
therefore he sped him out of the midst of wickedness.
But the people saw and did not understand,
nor did they take this into account.



___________________


Make a difference. Visit Rachel's Memorial Page, or my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer page.

Still no words

The words still escape me.

Rachel's wake will be Tuesday, and the funeral will be Wednesday.


I didn't think I could handle the drive today, so I will be leaving tomorrow.

In the meantime, I would like to extend my thanks to so many of you who have reached out to ME during this time. I feel guilty in receiving such an outpouring of love, because TRULY... my emotional needs PALE in comparison to what Rachel's surviving husband and daughter must need.


Please take a moment to visit this site that has been set up as a memorial for Rachel. SO MANY of you have already contributed to the Avon Walk at my request, and that itself is such a tribute to women and families like Rachel. Please do not feel obligated to donate to Rachel's fund... but if you could spare a kind word? There is a 'notes' section, and while Rachel herself may not be able to read the sentiments left... we as her friends and family can. More importantly, Rob and Lindsay can.

http://therachelswanfund.org/


Thank you all again. your compassion and kind words have truly been a grace to me during these sad, sad days.

Gone but not forgotten

hey gang.


sorry I've been scarce in these parts lately and around the internet. As I said earlier, my folks are here, and I've been busy.... surviving.

surviving isn't really the best word, though. I was BARELY surviving before they got here. Since my folks' arrival, I have finally gotten a chance to regroup just enough to man up and get shit done around here.

last week we had Rhena's nose cauterized. anyone that knows my child knows she has been getting severe nosebleeds since like.. BIRTH. we go through phases where she doesn't have many, but then we ALSO go through phases where our house and her clothing typically resemble some crime scene. so despite not wanting to put her through any ordeal... we decided it would be better than many more years of having to stop what she's doing with whomever she's with so she can tend to the red fountain above her mouth. The process was gut wrenching for me. but more on that later.

we made THREE attempts to get Troy an MRI (yes I said three... his spine is jacked up and despite being on 3 different pain meds and taking a valium, he has been unable to lay down for the hour-long test.) we just added some oral steroids to the mix, though... so we're hoping to try again on saturday.

we've been making pierogies (yesterday completed 13 dozen potato ones), dealing with moosey's clockworkingly predictable tantrums, eye doctor appointments for me (since I ripped my last contact and have been wearing 4 yr old glasses for 2 weeks).. and you know.. just regular tomfoolery that comes with the folks visiting.


on a POSITIVE note... I really do know that my folks being here has helped me get everything done. Them being able to watch one or both kids so I can get some things done with complete attention has been a GRACE. I actually feel stronger than I did a week ago. ok.. a little constipated (haven't crapped since saturday. WTF???) but stronger for sure.

I was allowed to do a guest post over at Mama Ginger Tree's House. so that was cool. go on over and say hello!!!

The cancer walk??? have you been over there lately? We're currently standing at OVER $1100 dollars in donations. This is so amazing.. and I can't thank you enough!!!! Some of you have e-mailed me and asked when the donations have to be in by... I believe we have up until just before the walk, so October. I KNOW you can find $5 by October!!!! please donate if and what you can!!! because really.. every dollar does count!

I'm currently working on a pitch for a local place in which I'm going to try to convince them to host a fundraising event for the walk. strike that. I AM going to find a place to host an event... and I have one place in mind.. just hoping they'll see my vision. I'll share more when I have everything official.

alright. I ought to put this thing away and prepare for another day of pierogies. we still have more potato to make, then we move on to the kapusta. I've been taking pictures, so will have a post next week of the whole process.

OH!!! so important!!!! I need some suggestions!!!


part of my 'pitch' to the bar/restaurant includes featuring a drink (one that can be alcoholic, AND have a non-alcoholic version available that's at least semi-similar)

anyways.. I'm looking for a drink to suggest. I want to call it "The Pink Ribbon Rock Star"


My first instinct is pomegranate, raspberry vodka, and 7-up....

I've done martinis where I've mixed keylime sparkling water with pom juice and raspberry vodka, and those are refreshing... but I'm looking for something new and GOOD. PLEASE share any recipes you just love... preferably ones with a pinkish hue. I've heard lots of you talk about blueberry vodka. so hit me with some ideas, gang!!!


ok. pierogies are calling. I'll post more as I can. but for sure will be back ont he regular next week.

oh, and SORRY about the mix tape last week. oops. I'll make a point to schedule a topic for friday this week... so for sure check back so we can get our music on!!!

Hurricane Alley

I suppose that isn't the best title given all the weather issues the gulf states are having....


but what I mean to say is that today is going to be a busy day for the Fever.


My folks are currently en route.... and while this makes every clock in my house look a little larger and tick just a tweensy bit louder..... and every little mess seem to have magically GROWN overnight.... yes.. while this means I will be as busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest today (and please notice I DID say MAN.. cause you KNOW any one-legged WOMAN in an ass-kicking contest could do THAT, drink coffee, AND write thank you notes and pay bills at the same time....)


so yeah. me? busy. but very excited.



excited to have the folks come so we can hang out and just BE. oh, and of course, the free babysitting should not go unmentioned. I'm for SURE gonna pimp them out so I can go to dinner and maybe a movie with troy. and you know.. get some basic stuff done like GO TO THE EYE DOCTOR SO I CAN STOP WEARING THESE OUT OF DATE GLASSES.


Did I not mention that yet?

oh yeah.. TOTALLY ripped the shit out of my contact, irritated my eye to no end.. and yeah.. no more back-up contacts.


anyways. today we're gonna hustle to get this place in tip-top company ready shape. and get creamer. I'm drinking my coffee this morning with danny's whole milk cause I'm out of creamer. If you know me in any capacity... this substitute for me is just about the same as ordering a fillet Mignon in a steak house, and getting a White Castle burger instead.

exactly.

alright... have a great day, gang.


and listen.. if you HAVEN'T made a donation yet??? PLEASE go to my page. EVERY dollar counts, and every PERSON on that honor roll offers a new surge of hope for SO MANY FAMILIES. Don't believe me? check out any one of the +2500 pages of the tribute book.

The Guilt Trip

Y'all know I'm Catholic. and we Catholics LOVE us some guilt trips. at least I am. I am GOOOOOOOOD about guilt.


I get this mostly from my mom. She has an innate way of taking personal responsibility for just about everything. Having shitty weather? meh... it's cause my mom said something the other day. Constipated from eating too much junk food? must be my mom's fault cause she didn't cook you a meal. even though she doesn't know you.


ok... so that's exaggerating just a LITTLE... but you get the point.

Anyways.. as the whole apples-tree-and-not-falling-far saying goes.... I also tend to walk around with an extraordinary amount of guilt at any given time. did I do enough? did I say too much???

Take this morning for instance... not 10 minutes ago, I left a comment on one of my favorite blogs.... Erin Cooks. Erin is awesome.. always hosting contests (btw.. go.. enter!! free books!!) and if you recall.. she's the one who hooked me up with the free ice cream. LOVE HER for that.

She makes amazing stuff, and takes even better pictures of it. I told her once how I had to stop reading her for a while cause I caught myself wanting to lick my laptop. but seriously... love her blog.

so the comment I left remarked how it would have been nice to see some chocolate in the icing of her cookie creations. and while there was absolutely NO ill intent of what I wrote... I TOTALLY have been second guessing what I wrote. so much that I immediately stumbled her page. and started this post about guilt. BAH!

Anyways... me and guilt.. like I said and you can see... we go back. (btw... go and take a peek at her cookies.. they DO look fantastic, and you can tell her as much. and that I'm a jackass for talking about the chocolate. I totally deserve it.)


Now with the Avon Walk, I've been feeling a whole NEW set of guilt. first off... holy CRAP.... we totally blew by the $500 dollar goal in like what.. 2 days??? and donations are still coming in. The generosity and love that has been so quickly given is BEYOND humbling. I have been regularly crying with appreciation.

But yet.. now that the goal has been officially 'met'... I'm at a quandary. TRUE.. I don't HAVE to go out and seek more donations. but yet... something's.... missing. i totally do not feel like I have spoken about it enough. Because while the amount of money that has been raised so far is awe-inspiring... I feel like it should be MORE. but not MORE as in dollar amount. MORE as in number of people.


Am I really doing enough to share my vision? Is it greedy that I think people donating just ONE DOLLAR can inspire hope? and that I want MORE people to donate just that one dollar? Is it crazy to think that I CAN get 100 people just to make even the most minimal donation so my cousin and many many other women and families like her can see the VOLUME of people that believe in LIFE for her?

Part of me feels SO incredibly guilty for wanting that... that VOLUME.... because honestly??? the VOLUME that HAS been given thus far is, as I said.. humbling. I certainly wouldn't want to shadow anything that has been done so far.

but last year.. when I arrived at the walk before sunrise, and I looked around in the stadium.. I couldn't help but feel PART OF SOMETHING as I saw the hundreds of men and women that were there for the very same thing I was... that hope.

I dunno. that's where I'm at. I'm kind of percolating on an event of some sorts... either at church or local pub or grocery store where I can set up camp until I can get x-amount number of donations. Maybe charge everyone a dollar to sign a big assed banner to be hung at the walk or something.

something.


but so far??? I can not express my thanks enough. 11 donations so far representing 31 people who believe.

11 donations, and we're OVER $800. incredible. INCREDIBLE, I say!!!!


so again.. thank you to all who HAVE donated, or WILL donate. every dollar DOES make a difference. And if you have any ideas of how I can shake some of this guilt for not doing more??? I would love to hear them.


I may start off by apologizing to Erin.

And so it begins (again)

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by the way.. if you haven't made a suggestion for this week's mix tape.. PLEASE DO!!! we're looking for REALLY BAD SONGS that people just can't help but liking. click here to join in the fun! you have til monday morning to get your song in!

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last year... I spent the month of August talking about and soliciting funds for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I did a lot of reflecting, and I turned to you, my readers, to help me reach my financial fundraising goal of $1800 dollars.

We as a group were able to surpass that goal, and I was humbled by the outpouring of love and generosity. I thought of each and every one of you as I walked 26 miles on the first day of the event.

unfortunately, what my brain wanted and what my body was able to do were two different things. I was unable to walk the second day of the event, and did not complete the proposed 39 mile journey.


I've already discussed it, and most of you know how I feel about the subject. This year, having the experience of understanding what a physical undertaking walking 39 miles is.. and a better grasp of my own capabilities.... I have opted to not walk in the Charlotte event this year.

I HAVE, however, decided to take on the challenge of being a Crew Member for the Walk. Being a Crew Member will not require the physical strength that walking 39 miles demands. It does, however... require a different kind of strength. It requires making EVERY walker know how appreciated they are, and helping them believe in the difference they are making.

For every one that has given ME a kind word, I feel obligated to pass that love, that strength, that BELIEF... THAT HOPE on to someone else. So I'm going to Crew.


As a crew member, I am asked to raise money. I have set a goal of $500, and am determined to find at least 100 people to give just ONE PERCENT of that goal. $5 dollars. 100 people.


I sent an e-mail to some friends and family yesterday, and I'm happy to say that as of this morning, we're well on our way to reaching the goal of $500. This alone is fantastic, because each Walker or Crew Member's collected contribution will help to support medical research into the possible causes of and cure for breast cancer, education and early detection programs, and clinical care and support services for women with breast cancer in communities across the country. so yeah.. the more money the better.

but 100 people. can it be done?

my personal theme for this year's walk is HOPE. imagine the sense of HOPE my cousin Rachel will feel if she knows that 100 people believe in her and her fight against cancer. Imagine the empowerment YOU could feel knowing you were in a room of 100 people that felt the same way you do.

help me find hope. help me GIVE hope. help me SPREAD hope.

please visit my donor page for more information or to make a donation. Donating may not change the entire world.. but it sure can make a world of difference for someone with cancer.

Click here to visit my personal page.

If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:

http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk2008/Charlotte?px=3510084&pg=personal&fr_id=1670&et=Xk1Y9CRmM_ie9vZD240YAg..&s_tafId=283615


thank you for even thinking about it.

thank you 100 times over.

Of limits and limitations

Recently, a blog I've been reading had a post about 'naked blogging'. By her description, I'd generally say that MOST of the blogs I read tend to have a 'naked' side to them. sure, I like humor, but I also prefer to read sites written by real people. and by real, I mean authentic.


Being authentic in this world (at least in MY observed world) is an art. All too easily, we can smile and say all is fine, we can make small talk with a neighbor we truly do not like. We stuff, we fluff, we hide when we're snide. To be authentic... to show, act and speak as one truly feels takes a tremendous amount of courage. Granted, when one can finally find some congruency between head, heart, and external environment.. the rewards can reach limitless levels.


Lately, I have had something heavy weighing on my heart.


Last year, I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer here in Charlotte. I spent all of last August seeking donations, and reflecting on my desire to be aligned with the cause. I spoke of my cousin, who is living with and fighting cancer. I spoke of my Gram, who passed away after battling cancer. I spoke of my girlfriend Denita, whose mother passed away from cancer when she was 15 years old. I had CAUSE. I had PURPOSE. I wanted to make a difference and raise money to not only help support those suffering from cancer, but for research so MY daughter will not have to blog about HER sense of loss and helplessness to the varying forms of cancer. I wanted to walk for those who couldn't. I wanted to walk so Rhena would never have to.


and so I did. I walked. and walked. and cried and walked and laughed and cried and walked more. I made it through that first day, and I collapsed into the love of my supporting husband, daughter and son. And then.. my legs stopped moving.

The next day, I was still unable to move my legs without extreme pain, much less get out of bed, head back downtown and walk 13 more miles. I was so physically out of shape, and my body called it quits.


I was heartbroken. I was guilty. I was angry. I was SO disappointed in myself.

To know my cousin FIGHTS TO LIVE so she has that much more time with her daughter, and I could not will my legs to move was the most devastatingly humbling experience I have ever had. My cousin once again proved how strong she was and forgave ME and made ME feel better about not being able to complete the walk. my friends forgave me. my family forgave me.


it took a long while, but I eventually forgave myself. Mostly, in part, because I consoled myself in thinking I would train more and be better prepared and COMPLETE THE WHOLE WALK in 2008.


well.. here it is.. 2008. on the eve of August, where I would begin my month of seeking donations and speaking about a cause and disease that rests around my wrist every day. that sits on my soul in every good and bad parenting moment. that filters my eyes when I go to jersey and see my cousin. that affects TOO MANY PEOPLE right this very second.

This year, I have dropped a 10 pound barbell on one foot and a shower door on another. and guess what? I'm not in any physical shape to walk 39 miles in less than 90 days.


Despite my vowing last year to make amends this year, I got caught up in life. I succumbed to grueling temperatures. I've been sidetracked with surviving Daniel's recent stage of violent tantrums. I have not been training like I should. and I know it. yes, I've gone to the gym, I've walked here and there, but deep down.. I know I haven't done enough.


So... to avoid feeling like a failure AGAIN... I did not register to walk this year. I registered to be a crew member. support staff, volunteer, behind-the-scenes..... call it what you will.

I know I should be happy about this decision. I'm still aligned to a cause I feel SO PASSIONATELY about. I can still raise money. and I can be right there cheering for those who do walk.

but it hurts.

it brings back the feelings of regret. regret for not preparing more. regret of incompletion.

it brings back feelings of anger. anger that I have an able-body and I'm not doing more with it. anger that I can't fix my cousin.


like I said.. I know I should be happy about still having the chance to be part of the walk. cause believe me.. I know me making my body walk for 39 miles will not be what cures cancer. I DO know that. and I feel that being part of the 'crew' will be every bit as rewarding, if not MORE SO, since I will not be physically distracted from taking part of the event in both a give and take fashion. I have no doubt that I will be SO rewarded when the Walk weekend is done.

it's just that right now?? well... it just is what it is. but i'll get there.

Before I begin

Tomorrow is the walk.


before I go and walk my ass off, I want to take pause and give recognition to the SO MANY PEOPLE who helped me achieve my fundraising goal.

For whatever reasons you had to dig in and shell out... I thank you. you all are a huge reason why I'm doing this walk tomorrow. Cause you believe, too. plain and simple... cause you believe.


You're in good company.

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Troy, Rhena, and Danny. Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad Johnson. Derek, Dawn, Dara, Delaney, and Damian. Rachel, Rob, and Lindsay. Jennifer. Denita. Suser, Dan, Liam, and Seamus. Jody, Brad, Dov, and Zoe. Fergie, Jamie, and Jackson. Bridget, Jason, Riley, and Jordan. Laura and David. Gary and Nora. Diana, Garratt, Tucker, and Callie. Marisa. Kelli, Mathew, Kendal, and Ava. Katy, Mike, Dylan, and Cameron. Nancy and Mike. Jenni, Dale, and Garrett. Karen. Bill and Heather. Jina. Tracy. Christina, Scott, Dane and Carissa. Kristina, Mike, Casey and Jacob. Avani, Nimish, and Rushabh. Gina. Maria, Joel, Maddie and Aidan. Marianna. Maria, Ed, Cassie, Anna, and Rachel.

like I said.... Good company. I couldn't do this without you.

thank you all!!!

...and in the end...

SO here we are... it's the end of august.


This month was very special for me; I took a LOT of time to look within, and to take a hard look at my external activities as well. Turns out some stuff was matching up, and other stuff wasn't.


but hey.. life is about learning, right??


Things I've learned this month (in no particular order)

1 - you HAVE to pick your battles. One thing that 9 months of no sleep will do is make you realize that you need to be selective in where you spend your energy. I've intentionally let some balls drop this summer, and let some others bounce away in faith that if sent to the right direction, they will indeed bounce back when the time is right. metaphorically speaking, of course.... I really don't have that much balls... well, LITERALLY I don't. figuratively is a different story. but I digress.


2 - SOMETIMES when you ignore shit.. it goes away. SOMETIMES it gets worse. Whether talking about relationships or Danny's inability to sleep through the night, I definitely recognize now that I can't expect things to happen on their own. ok.. so maybe this is a tangent of picking your battles and applying energy, but I'm finally knuckling down and treating Danny's non-sleeping as an issue that deserves proper attention. either way.. the whole scenario leads me to another learning point, which is...

3 - You have to know when to ask for help. who knew?? turns out that when you actually get rid of preconceived notions of having been somewhere before and expectations of knowing how to do something, and just admit that you're fucking up and ASK for help... you can get it. or the walk....

holy motherfuckercrackerbags..... I GOT HELP!!!

shortly before my cousin Rachel's birthday, we hit 100% of the fundraising goal for the Breast Cancer walk I'm doing. and then we went past it. What a wonderful gift that was for me to 'give' to her. for YOU to give to her. and how appropriate that as she begins another year of her life, she can do so with the knowledge that SO MANY PEOPLE donated to a cause that believes that she CAN and WILL have many many more birthdays.


well... there's probably a lot more I learned, (like walking 3 miles on a hilly route with a 20 pound baby strapped to you and pulling a 28 pound 3 year old in a wagon is MUCH harder than it looks) but I'm not gonna divulge everything. Gotta play dumb on SOME stuff so the expectations aren't always too high, ya know?


but I must thank you all. for everyone that donated, for everyone that shared a kind thought.... thank you.

of COURSE... the battle is never over. Yes... we hit my fundraising goal, but there's many other walkers out there. So on the off chance that you DID want to contribute to me but didn't get a chance to yet.. please don't. please consider supporting one of the many other millions of walkers out there...

especially my girlfriend Denita... who is doing the Susan G Komen 3-day walk in Seattle

and

the lovely Hanni... who's doing the Komen Race for the Cure in Houston.



but seriously... to all of you who did SO MUCH.... thank you. And hey.. rest up; I'm going to be carrying you all in my heart every step of the way in October!

Not about the days anymore

so if any of you have clicked on my donation/walker page, you'll know that I talk about one percent a lot.


Today is no different.


Today, I'm making it a point to sit my ass down at this computer and say that I'm looking for one percent...


cause that's how far away we are from the fundraising goal.


as of right now, all monies raised/pledged total $1775 dollars.... just a mere $25 dollars short of my goal. Just a little over one percent.


I have gotten money from friends.. from family, from friends of friends and friends of family, and family of friends of family. yeah. talk about being appreciative. One of my friends made a donation even though her husband has been out of work for a month.

I will be DAMNED if I don't walk all 39.3 miles. How can I not???

For the generosity and the complete outpouring of support... I just can not imagine what I was thinking by possibly not doing the walk this year. seriously... it's at the point now that my involvement in the walk is bigger than me.

does that make sense?


It's pretty cool, to be honest.

and pretty frigging intimidating. I mean.. I walked 3 miles yesterday morning with danny strapped to my chest and pushing rhena in the steel box of a stroller we have... and I was huffin and a puffin. Granted it WAS like a trillion degrees outside, and Danny DOES resemble a large thawed turkey (20-pounder.. at least!!) so that made the walking a little harder... but phew!


let's just say it's a damn good thing I didn't have to do THAT walk 13 times yesterday. I would not have made it.

but like Rocky.... I'm getting stronger, and the walks... they keep getting longer. ok, so maybe only the getting stronger part was like rocky, but you know what I mean.


anyways.


$25 dollars to go.


wow.




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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Day 16 - two words

ok, things have been hectic in these parts: being in Illinois, coming back, detoxing the kids, and now my folks are here. I feel like a laundry mat, but the house is clean.





so.. until I can get a chance to sit and catch my breath.. I have 2 words:



NINETY PERCENT.





ok.. more is coming soon... I just had to share.



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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Day Eight - Middle of the Road

So I'm finally connected here at the inlaws. well, actually, I got connected a few days ago, but Troy has been monopolizing the laptop for work, and beings how he brings in the money that pays the bills... he gets the laptop by default.


but what a reflective past few days it's been.


So driving out here to the midwest really opened my eyes to what middle-america is really like. Not that I believed that everyone lives in their version of stepford, but you see enough cornfields and dilapidated barns and adult bookstores (with ARCADES!) right next to some holy roller evangelist churches with like 3 or 10 huge crosses out front to remind the adult book (and ARCADE!!!) buyers how sinly they are to kinda wake you up and realize that maybe John Cougar Mellencamp might have been a better penner of our national anthem?

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to cash in the home-owners-association-approved split-rail fences and move to this wonderland where roadside produce stands run on the honor system, and the locals bleed red, white, and blue.... no... I'd much rather hang with my house-puking bunco hens than Jeb and Cleetus and Sally Jo. But it's good to step out of my norm every now and then.

I think that's what the walk has been making me do, too. well, no... actually, I *KNOW* it's making me step out of my norm.

When it comes to pretty much most topics... I'm a middle of the roader. I like my ability to be able to see and argue both sides of pretty much anything. And perhaps this ability to view many angles prevents me from being very vocal about my beliefs. Strike that... we all know my ass is vocal about everything... I just mean that as much as I like to spout off about shit.. I'm not trying to change the world. I'm just an ego-centric girl from jersey who likes to talk to anyone who'll listen. But I'm not about to tell people they're wrong for what they think.


now again... This does not mean I'm failing to recognize my innate ability to roll my eyes and call people fat assed white trashed negligent pig farmers for the slightest infraction such as talking on a cell phone instead of minding their child.... yes. I AM judgemental. and I DO spout off about how stupid I think many many people are. but I do NOT claim that those folks are wrong for their stupidity. I just like to call it as I see it.. you know... without coming right out about who's right or wrong... though I'm sure if you've made it this far y'all know I'm always right....

but that's besides the point.

my REAL point is that doing this whole breast cancer walk is forcing me to step out of my middle-world-comfort-zone and champion a cause. you know... TELL people about it. and then tell MORE people about it. and then, of course... ask them to help me.

gah!! WHY is the last part so difficult???


Here, in my private audience of blinking coursers and faceless readers, I can say whatever the hell I want. and in my little bubble of never-rejected, I can pretend that the people that don't donate just might not know about the walk or my blog, or are already involved with a walk of their own. you know... middle-of-the-road. I'm doing my part by blogging about it.. but there's really no risk of rejection here. more than nothing, but definitely not commensurate of the effort I should be putting forth for something I feel so strongly about.


So the GOOD news is that (on the subject of middles) ... the donations have surpassed the 50% mark. I'm still beside myself. Really... when I think of how much has been put up so far by so many.. and so QUICKLY!!!! seriously... one week in and already halfway there!!!!

The bad news, or at least in my mind... is now is where the hard work begins. I have to step out of my comfort zone and really show my shit. well, not like show-me-your-shit-mardi-gras-style... but now is when I have to face the people I've sent e-mails to about the walk and ask them what they thought, being that they never responded.

But maybe that was a mistake I made. by sending the e-mail, I gave people an out. delete, delete, delete.... I can think that hotmail screwed up my outgoing message, and they can pretend they never saw it. avoid, avoid, avoid.

SO anyways.. my long and drawn out point is that I recognize I've been safely playing in the middle of the road, and like the chicken... it's time I crossed the road. I just hope that when I finally stick my neck out, that I don't choke.



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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Day Three - Rising Again

For once, I am not talking about Danny's inability to sleep through the night. (though, as 'luck' would have it.. he was up every hour on the hour last night.... gotta love that right before a big road trip!)


but I digress.


As a Catholic, one phrase that you always hear is "On the third day, He rose again..."


as I was getting my coffee ready today, I started thinking about what I would blog about. Third day, third day... I thought. instinctively, my mind kept finishing with "He rose again". must be the CCD teacher in me?

either way... the phrase "He rose again" got me thinking.


As a Catholic, I believe that we all rise again.. or at least our souls do... to some form of eternal glory or damnation. (or stagnation, cause I do believe in the idea of purgatory)

And while I know that this premise of an afterlife is not an idea shared by everyone, I can't help but think that it does provide some form of hope for women suffering from, or the loved ones of women suffering from Breast Cancer.

cause given the shit they go through... there's GOTTA be something better.


BUT... this isn't CCD class, so I'm not going to go into religious theories.

so to keep with the idea of rising again.... as of this morning, the donations keep coming in... and I'm SO PROUD to say that we're 43% towards our goal. FORTY THREE PERCENT!!! after TWO DAYS!!!!! This is truly phenomenal... plain and simple.


I'll be offline for a day or two; we're driving up to Illinois to see Troy's folks for a week.

While I'm gone... please take a look at the TRIBUTE BOOK on the Avon website.


if I ever had any doubt of spirits rising, seeing the memorial after memorial assures me that those souls are VERY much alive in the hearts and minds of those left behind.



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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here: