Thursday, October 23, 2008

Stressing Out

So this weekend is the Avon Walk.


I am stressing out.


On one hand, I'm VERY excited to be doing the walk again. After losing Rachel, my affiliation with the fight against breast cancer came to very razor-sharp focus. So there is no question in my mind that this weekend is as necessary as BREATHING to me right now.


however.


Did I mention I'll be camping overnight?


uh-huh.


me. in a tent.

I know, I know.. quit my bitching... I don't even have to walk this year, so sleeping in a fabric contraption on the cold wet ground outside with bugs is the LEAST of the physical sacrifices my body can make for this cause.


but still.


I haven't even attempted putting UP a tent since I was in the girl scouts... and judging by my calculations.. I think that was ABOUT twenty years ago. if not, longer. so there's that.

also?? I'm kind of fearing the team leader thing. If I'm being PERFECTLY honest.... this was not something I signed up for last year. I mean.. I was thinking I would be WALKING this year. then.. you know.. the whole broken toe and shower-door incident. So, ok.. decided to crew.

turns out I was put on a team where the leader MAY or may NOT show up for the weekend of the walk. not once did I get contacted... not once did I get welcomed. but whatever.. I was all new to the crewing thing.. didn't know what to expect.

The week after Rachel died, the Coordinator for the entire crew for the Charlotte walk sent me an e-mail and asked if I wanted to be a co-team leader... explaining that the current leader may not make it the weekend of the walk, and someone should be a point of contact for the team for the event.

ok. So I committed to doing that... and over the past month I have attempted to contact the other leader about 3 times. I WANTED to contact the entire team.. but didn't want to step on any toes... so I kept my attempts to the other leader.

I never heard back from her. NORMALLY... this would have been my green ticket to just bulldoze my way into the group and take over.

BUT I DIDN'T.


I really can't explain why I haven't. I ALSO can't explain why I lost my gumption to confront the coffee shop as to why I didn't see my donation pig on display... or at the very least ask for it back. I just have chickened out.


I do not like feeling like I'm sitting with my tail between my legs... too frightened to go forward, too timid to go back and confront. but yet.. here I am.


I NEED to man up and contact the team, cause I know for sure if I was on the other end I'd be frustrated that I hadn't heard anything yet, and the walk is this weekend. And it's clear the other leader is a flake. (not saying she doesn't have a reason.. just that it is what it is, and she has been totally void of communication.)


I also need to pack my gear bag. and food shop so Troy can keep our kids well-nourished this weekend while I'm at the event. and wash the sleeping bag. and write my thank you notes to everyone who has supported the cause, Rachel's passing, or just me in general.

perhaps 'stressed out' is not the word I'm looking for. Overwhelmed may be more like it.


anyways... I'm here. I'm excited. nervous. ready. TOTALLY not ready.

sigh.


I'm going to go breathe into a paper bag or something.

6 comments:

Denise said...

I have every confidence in you that you'll do just fine this weekend. This cause is in your heart which will guide you to do the right thing.

As for the tent, I was with some friends who did the walk a couple of years ago here in NYC when they were setting up theirs.Others all around were more than willing to help out, so you have nothing to worry about. If you need help with it, there will be plenty of hands close by.

Leadership, stepping on toes, manning up?? You are a natural leader and probably one of the ballziest persons I know. I think once you set your mind to this, you'll pick up the phone and start calling each one of the team members. They need you and you'll start feeling more at ease once you've made a call or two.

We all know that you have it in you to take charge this weekend and lead this team, with or without the other team leader, to a successful event.

This is your tribute to Rachel. Take charge of it and bring plenty of tissues!

nuzzie said...

What was it you always told me Carrie? "BREATHE". You can do this. Take a deep breath, choose one thing to tackle and just focus on that ONE thing. Once you accomplish that, you'll likely feel motivated to take on the next crappy task. I suggest dealing with the ickiest one first, just so you'll feel that much better once you do. Don't let anything get in your way. I agree with Denise--you are definitely one of the ballsiest bitches I know, so reach down within, or call up to God, whatever it takes to find your strength. I can imagine that it's all so overwhelming especially since you have all these extra tasks thrown in with your everyday life tasks, plus the emotional aspect of the walk/Rachel, etc...so just know that it's going to be ok if you tackle it all one tiny bit at a time. I am confidant that YOU can handle it. Now go call those bastards at the coffee shop and remind them that they made a promise to you, for Rachel.

I'm so proud to know you Carrie. You are going to have an amazing weekend, and I'm sure you'll find that all of this stress leading up to it will have been beyond worth it.

Anonymous said...

many miles away there's a diva that's thinking of you...and all the should haves...The should haves that a good friend would have actually done for you right now during a time of need...but that I have been too selfish to embark upon. my regrets...hang in there, kiddo. You still have a lot of gall...it may just be on vacation...and that's certainly OK. Big hug from cold Denver at 22degrees...

Marianna said...

Go get an air mattress & a air pump (electric, preferably). You shouldn't sleep on the ground.

I'll be thinking about you!

M~

Katy said...

You're going to be great, Carrie! I always turn to you when needing words of advice or wisdom. You are a pillar of strength. Be confident in yourself and go lead!

This explains the camping.

Goodluck honey! I know it's going to be an amazing weekend for you.

Suser said...

You can do this. Once you are there her spirit is going to pick your ass up and propel you to get it going.

You, Carrie, are one that can ALWAYS get the party started. I would be BEYOND LUCKY and GRATEFUL to have you leading my team. Because of who you are and how you deliver... it has nothing to do with details.

I love you and will be thinking of you all weekend.