Friday, July 13, 2007

pants on fire!!!

why anyone in the world ever believes a single word I say any more, I have no earthly idea.

Certainly, with this motherhood thing I've got going on, I've become an INCREDIBLY good liar.

I think it started out when I was pregnant 100 years ago. people would ask me how I was doing, and I learned to not tell them how I REALLY was. Apparently telling people that you're having a hard time gaining weight and feel like your blood is boiling when you're in direct sunlight is an open invitation for people to tell you that you are doomed to be an unfit mother and that in their personal experience of not being a doctor, I should be doing this that and the other thing.

Me being who I am.. well, you can tell I got tired of THAT business right quick.

so the lies began.

"I'm GREAT!" became such an easy term to say that I think I actually believed myself once or twice.

there's many others from both my pregnancies, ESPECIALLY with all the puking I did with Danny, but I have to move this post along before one of the children realizes that they are indeed not up my ass right this minute.

anyways.... once the baby came, I found that I began to tell OTHER lies... "oh, she's sleeping right now, it's really not a good time" ... "oh, sorry, we can't come to the party, the baby's got a fever" and so on and so on.

Now that Rhena talks, and more importantly.. ASKS QUESTIONS.... I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm even BETTER at lieing!!! who knew??

I mean... for one thing, any parent can tell you (or anyone that has been in the company of a child) that children have this innate ability to sense fear and spot those unsure of themselves. Like fierce predators, they sniff out the weak, and then tear their asses to shreds in the most demoralizing way... usually in public.

so you get good at the lies and faking it. I mean, if I REALLY told Rhena the truth as to why she was not allowed to do such and such, it would either take a week of diagrams and flashcards for her to maybe just slightly understand (ie the merits of vegetables vs a diet solely consisting of sugar-free mints)... or it would bring on an onslaught of questions, or.. the typical response.. a tantrum.

So.. does my child really need to know that daddy and mommy don't WANT to go to the "meggy round" (merry-go-round) because daddy has to go back to work and mommy just really really needs for it to be bedtime as soon as possible? orrrrr... can we just keep everybody happy and believe that the meggy round is sleeping right now?

yeah yeah.. I suck. my lies are because I would rather have my kid living in a world where things go to bed, play hide and seek, need batteries, or are visiting their cousins in new jersey... instead of her knowing that mommy is a lazy ass and doesn't feel like doing shit most times.

I suppose I justify all of this because there will be a day (and a day that's coming oh-so-soon, I'm afraid) that my lies will no longer work with Rhena. of course, that also screws the pooch in terms of lieing to Danny, cause Rhena will be there to clue him in when the wool is being pulled.

and of COURSE... all of this expert training is only used for the benefit of manipulating of my children. I would NEVER lie to anyone else... especially telemarketers. I ALWAYS tell them the truth.


suser said...

Oh dude - so right on. In Liam's poor small world things are constantly "closed" or "napping" or "being fixed" Problem is now - with us being in the AGE of QUESTIONS - he also has an extremely good memory and will ask the next day and the next until the damn pony at the grocery store is "all better." "Is it, Mommy, is it??!?! Can we go NOW?"

Christi said...

We also live in a world where things are all-too-often closed at strange times, and broken. TJ is getting to the questioning stage, and wants to know why and how and when and all that good stuff. Taryn still just goes, "Okay..." I dread the day when TJ starts to know I'm full of shit!

My best friend tells her kids the truth all the time. Admittedly, they are a couple years older than mine, but she's done it their whole lives. It irritates me sometimes, b/c when we're together they'll ask for something, and I'll immediately chime in, "No, b/c it's closed," and at the same time she'll actually give them a detailed answer as to her feelings, life situations, and how the weather four days from now will impact our current dilemma. Then she spends another ten minutes cuddling with them and catering to their whining and debates. I'm like, "DUDE! You could have just said you thought it was closed, and we'd have been done with this last week!" The lies are 100% worth it while you can get away with them!

Now, as for why you weren't able to make it to Taryn's birthday party...

greekchickie said...

LOL you need to write a book, girl.


Choppzs said...

Yah you telling the truth to telemarketers is like me saying I want 10 more kids! lol Ummm, no I don't really want ten more children, I think I'd have a heartattack! lol