TRUST me when I tell you that this is NOT a case where "eep op ork ah ah" means 'I love you'. No... EEP!! OP!! ORK! and AH AH have been the terms coming out of my mouth the past few days in lieu of cursing in front of the kids.
ladies and gentlemen... I have a FLY in my house.
And this fly... this little BANE of my existence, this taunting little SHIT of a creature has been following my ass around like.. like.. well, I guess like a fly. fucker.
It would seem that every year here in stepford, there comes a season where the flies take over. Big, obnoxious, leave-a-jet-stream-when-they-zoom-past-your-head FLIES. and they're everywhere. forget about eating outside... at least when you're a mom, anyway. I promise you that while one hand is busy swatting the pests away from your CHILDREN'S food, your other will be busy keeping the onslaught away from your own face and food with all the futility that the characters of The Birds must have felt.
people.. I hate flies!!!!
Last year, I thought I was on to something when it came to eliminating the bastids from my house. I'll admit that I probably appeared to be more of a raving lunatic than the Karate-Kid-meets-Matrix I imagined myself to be.. but hey.. one by one, I got the job done.
Towards the end of the fly season, I found the ultimate tool in assisting my plight against evil....
a bottle of windex.
Yeah, yeah, I know... sounds more like a stepford brainwashing technique to get people to clean their homes more, but as it turns out.. the windex really helps.
The trick is to catch the fly when it's sitting still. If you can get past the hysterical laughing and taunting it's doing in fly-speak, then you need to spray that little bitch with the windex. Most of the time, the blue spray will stun the fly enough that it kinda just still sits there, or at the very worst starts to flub around a lot. BUT... it really does slow it down, so that's when you snatch in with a paper towel and squash it! (then, as an added bonus, if you happened to catch your fly on the window, go ahead and wipe up rhena's face and hand prints that have accumulated since last fly season.....)
Sometimes, it might take 2 or three spray attacks to knock the fly on its ass, but I gar-run-tee that the windex works.
well, except for my fly right now. I musta hit this genetic mutation at least 6 times this weekend, and still it lurks. I can only imagine that it is the spawn of some flies I killed last year, with built-up immunities to windex. Granted, it could also be because I refilled my spray bottle with the target-brand version of windex. that'll teach me for trying to save some money!!
But I know it's getting weaker; after the chemical warfare of the past 2 days, I noticed that it didn't have the energy to come upstairs and taunt me in my bed last night. Provided it's not in a closet somewhere morphing into Jeff Goldblum's cousin or something... I plan on catching it today once and for all.
so if you don't see me around the web today, it's because I'm fighting. Defender of all things clean in a land where children think their mother is losing it... I will press on until the beast is slain. Hide the kids... it's gonna get ugly up in here!