Wednesday, February 08, 2006

not-so-reality blogging

So I've had a few things tinkling in my head for quite a while, and two seperate events today brought them to a point that I just need to finally get it out there.

once again... I feel as if my ability to really be ME in the blog world is being infringed upon.

First off... this is MY blog. my safe haven. MY place to bitch and moan as I damn well please because you know what??? the shit's gotta go SOMEWHERE.

This is the second time I feel like I'm having to 'defend' my bitchiness in the blog world, by the way.


seriously... WHY????? why in HELL should I have to defend my feelings to an online journal?

Now.. to the regular bloggers out there, I'm sure I'm getting a HELL YEAH, or SING IT SISTAH! and so forth. Bloggers get it. they really do. Press the "x" and keep on truckin'.... the whole nine.

To the people who know me in real life... I can really understand why my CONSTANT BITCHING may strike a chord or call for some alarm. People that know me and CARE about ME see/hear my bitching and worry. Where's the anger COMING from?? what's going ON??? what's WRONG??? I get that. that makes sense. But there has to be a little leeway here, don't you think? you chose to come in and take a look... now man up and swallow!

I've said before that I bitch here so it doesn't come out on Rhena. or Troy. or the people that know me in real life. I complain and I moan and I groan, and I scream out my happy thoughts and whisper my fears and I sheepishly admit the things I agree to do when I'm drunk.

because this is my SAFE PLACE.

This is MY PLACE that I can pretend to be funny.. or at least try my damndest to be... I can CURSE.... IN BOLD FONTS IF I FUCKING WANT TO!!!!!! I can say how absolutely ridiculous I think our society is and how disgustingly OVERPAID people like Mariah Carey are. (and have I mentioned lately how fat she is??? sorry, Cheeky.. I mean how "fit" Mariah is?? cough cough *bullshit!* cough cough)

I'm snarky. I'm snippy. and then when I get bored.. I curse some more. why???


Now I can go and say that I don't give a flying fuck who thinks what and yadda yadda yadda.... but the bottom line is that I'm just trying to be me.

I REALLY CARE about people. My parents raised me right. I really would give a friend the world if I knew what color they wanted it to be. I volunteer at church. I pray every day. I say please and thank you, and I APPRECIATE what I have, what's given to me, and what I've worked for. I'm considerate of people, and show respect to people who don't even respect themselves.

Generally speaking... when I go to someone else's blog... I play nice. I've never done a drive-by or nastygram. I don't leave anonymous comments because I don't feel ashamed of the things I say.

Today... I made a comment on my friend's blog about someone we both know. I tried to be funny. It was received wrong. The kick in the ass is that the person who took what I said wrong has 'known' me for over 2 years!!! Like I'm the type of person to go out and verbally attack someone other than Mariah Carey?? (or anna nicole smith or our dear pals on American Idol??? ok. ok... and maybe a few others but seriously... no one that I actually know in real life and LIKE ??? dude??? what kind of person do you think I AM???) Now... I will play my own devil's advocate here and say I should similarly know THEM for 2+ years, so I SHOULD KNOW that they run on the more sensitive side of things, and would probably take what I said as personal.

agreed. I should have been nicer... especially cause it wasn't on MY blog that I was making said comments. but still... cheez whiz, Mr Green.... since when do I have to be politically correct all the fucking time????

I used to go to a message board regularly. I've met a WONDERFUL group of women through this board. I've blogged about them before, I'm sure. They have been such a wonderful sarong of support through the whole child bearing process. I really don't know what I would have done without them.

but that being said... I really firmly believe that they don't know me AT ALL. Now I'm not saying that's anyone's fault but my own... I'm willing to swallow that I haven't been all naked and raw and vulnerable and all that shit with them. but it doesn't take very long to know that I have a dry (ok... ARID) sense of humor. yet time after time... a comment from me will turn things into an emotional upheaval. So I edit. and I bite my fingers. and I stay further and further away from WHO I REALLY AM and what I REALLY think, because it often leads to a big ole mess. and I post less and less.

But I'm not complaining. it's not 'my house', so I'm not going to go in and make a mess. at least not on purpose. but shee-it... what's the fun in going someplace you just don't feel comfortable, you know?

but all that is just an aside. it brings me back to my point of having a place to go that you feel comfortable.

I'm tired of being told what I can or can not do or how I should or should not be on MY BLOG. (again... duely noted I need to be nice when I go somewhere else... ) My REAL life is messy. I get angry and upset about silly (and not so silly) things, and I keep them inside until I can get online and unleash my demons. I have REAL OPINIONS which I AM ENTITLED TO... and if I say what I think here and your panties get in a bunch, then you're more than welcome to let yourself out the way you came in.

if I sound bitter and jaded... do I need to remind you that I'm from New Jersey??? fucking A, people... it's IN MY BLOOD!!!! it's HOW PEOPLE FROM JERSEY ARE!

I have stuff going on. I've been stressed. and yes.. don't we and aren't we all... I know. but again. this is MY HOUSE, and I got the microphone. so no offense... if I sound a little bitchy... well... it's cause I CAN BE. you don't like it?? well.. I'm sure there's a nice way and a not-so-nice way to tell you what to do.

But it's cool. I know and you know whether or not you have even the FAINTEST idea of who I really am or whether or not you get what I say. I imagine there will be some readers analyzing every damn word I use in this post trying to figure out if I'm talking about them.... and others will be like... blah blah carrie's venting again; all systems go.... and others yet will just simply leave a smartass comment about how I need to stop being so bitchy, or send me links to pictures of how fat Mariah is... cause that's just how shit rolls in Fever-ville. and it's all good... cause i'm not trying to tell you who or how to be.

I'm just saying back the fuck off and let me be me.

*******EDIT!!! I removed the option to comment, folks. I really wasn't looking for validation as much as I was getting shit off my chest. really. I just needed to vent.