Saturday, March 18, 2006

Hard to Digest

so I totally forgot to write about Rhena turning 18 months old yesterday. ASIDE from the fact that I'm amazed a year and a half has gone b y so quickly, I was thinking about how uncanny it is that Rhena will always have a half-birthday on St Patty's day. .....I sense trouble (or at least a number of hangovers) for her in the future if she's anything like her dear old folks.

So anyways, I was going to do a nice little tribute to her in today's post... kinda like how some bloggers write letters to their kids on certain milestones... but we all know I'm never going to let rhena read this crap I spew (too many curses) and frankly, today I got a MAD case of the shits, so I have no energy to be prolific.

I was fine earlier today.. just crampy in a I-ate-those-hotdogs-too-fast kind of way, but after a family walk around the neighborhood, I realized there was gonna be some thunder down under.

I'll put out a little warning for those who are faint of heart or could be experiencing pregnancy-induced-high-nausea at the time.. you may not want to read this. Hell, any normal person probably doesn't want to read about my adventures in toilet-ville... but I just have to vent.

I really think God has a jacked-up sense of humor when it comes to shitting. I mean... I get the fact that it gets gross and nasty and smells bad.... but the pissing out of the ass???? perhaps the cruelest gift yet.

I mean... everyone's been there. quarter-sized drops of sweat forming on weird places like YOUR WRISTS.... the heat flash that starts at the base of your spine and sloooooowly crawls up your back and over the back of you head like a hood on a sweatshirt. The holy-shit-was-that-a-taco-I-ate-or-a-bag-of-FORKS?? stabbing pains in the gut.

Side note... mainly to my father, but maybe also to my brother or mom.... is there a dumb joke that has a punchline of "come on ice cream!!" ??? because I assure you on Rhena's pretty little feet that every time I've got the runs, that saying pops in my head. any explanation to this would be appreciated!

so anyways... the shits suck. what I do hate, however, that the worse the shit is, the more pain you experience, but the less color the shit itself is. Anyone else have that??? that you actually shit CLEAR LIQUID??? I mean... damn it all... for the pain and smells I'm going through... I ought to get some rainbow concoction as a prize.

oh well. perhaps the fumes got the better of me today, cause reading back, this post doesn't make much sense. I'm just really tired of shitting tonight. and besides... I gave you a chance to stop reading, so if you're shaking your head as much as I am right now... you only have yourself to blame.

as for me... I'm off to dispell yet another level of evil from the southlands.


Susie said...

Happy Half-Birthday to one of my FAVORITE princesses.

As for the shits. They suck ROYALE. Dan is in denile of being lactose intolerant. Todady on out day together we got ice cream. Then we drove to some properties we were thinking of looking at. Yeah. I wondered which was worse. Ffreezing my ass off with the windows open or smelling the smell of DEAD ASS. It was heinous. My nostril hairs all fell out.


Anyway...I have forced Dan to pull the car over before because I thought I was gonna crap myself. I didn't - but man I thought it was a worse feeling than LABOR. AND LABOR is pretty much feeling liek you have the worst case of craps that ever existed on the face of the GOD FORSAKEN EARTH.

Aren't you glad I had too much wine tonight? MUAH!

Susie said...

Oh my GOD I hijacked your comments - I should have blogged on my own blog - I am so sorry! Blame the wine!

I love everyone!

Anonymous said...

sounds like IBS to me.

If I eat anywhere but home I have to come home immediately.

It is hereditary. My dad crapped his pants at my wedding.
I always wondered why he left so soon and years later my stepmother told me.

Cracked me up.

Porq said...

Two ol' boys were sitting around the local pubatorium and after a few drinks, one of the gents said,"I'll bet you I can eat a gallon of chili peppers." The other fellow took the bet and watched as the claimant devoured a gallon of chili peppers.

After he paid off the bet the second person told the winner, "Yea , well I can eat more Ice Cream than you!!".

Another bet was made and the the winner of the first bet proceeded to eat a five gallon tub of Vanilla Ice cream to the amazement of the other fellow. The bet was paid off and they sat there continuing their drinking. After a time the winner had to go to the John. Sometime passed and the other fellow went to the John looking for his buddy. As he stepped into the Men's room he heard...


Christi said...

I'm with you 100% on the suckiness. I often wonder why God had to make us do such a disgusting thing. I never can understand why people are so touchy about poop, when they know their shit stinks, too.

greekchickie said...

Yum! I think I'm gonna make me some dinnah now! LOL

Hope you're intestines are feeling better chick.


greekchickie said...

your... not you're

Hänni said...

I totally had the clear craps one time. It was after I'd just finished eating a whopper.

That was a scary day.

I no longer eat at that restaurant, and refer to it only as DiarrheaKing.

Jenni said...

HAPPY HAPPY 1/2 B-DAY RHENA!!!! :-) Hope it was a great one!

I am just totally LOL at your topic, Carrie. You are just so funny!!!