A long road

so most of you know that by this time tomorrow, I hope to be on my final leg of the NJ Turnpike, getting ready to be home. I plan on leaving between 3 - 4 am, so clearly, I have quite a long road ahead of me.


I just got off the phone with my 'twinkie' friend. We were talking and gossiping about a party she had last night, and sharing guffaws at some of the antics we witnessed from some of the other guests.


at one point in our conversation, her caller id blipped, and she said she was going to check it out, and that she would be right back.


an hour and a half later, she called me back. (I hung up after about 3 minutes)


Turns out the call was from her brother. Her brother whom had discommunicated himself from her family too many years ago (over 10, if I recall correctly). Her brother whom she , as of a month ago, honestly had no clue whether or not was even alive.


I am SO HAPPY for her. Tears easily washed through my eyes as I told her how happy I was for her, because I really and truly can not imagine my life with my brother (and all things associated to him for that matter) not in it.

When I think of my brother, I think of all the memories, and again, I'm flooded with emotion, because I just can not imagine my life without him being part of it.

In the past ten years, I was a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding, I gave the commencement address at graduation for Embry-Riddle, my niece Dara was born, I was Dara's Godmother at her Baptism, our Grandma Czernikowski died, I met Troy, Delaney was born, I got really stupid drunk in some bar in pennsylvania, I broke up with troy, I got back together with troy, Troy and I got engaged, Damian was born, we moved to nevada, Troy and I got married, I got pregnant, Derek got drunk in reno, Rhena was born, Derek and Dawn were Godparents at Rhena's baptism, we moved to NC, disneyland. There's been laughter, there's been arguments, there's been some name calling, and there have been hugs. and moments of sanity and clarity where I realize there's another person in the planet who GETS me cause we went through the same shit.

I can not imagine those memories not existing. I can't imagine NOT knowing my nieces and nephew. my sister in law. I weep at the thought of not having any of them. I cry even more at the thought of THEM not knowing Troy. The wonderful man I married. Who brings me joy every day (and makes me choke on his farts and irritates me with his childlike antics... but also makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the room... the man who holds my hand at all the times I need him to, and makes me a better person.) And the man who gave me Rhena. How can anyone know anything about me and not know my baby girl? I just can't imagine.


My cousin went through a period where she had no contact with her Brother, but then one day, somehow, they reconnected.

A lot happened during the absence, and I imagine it was difficult at first, but the point is that now they are together again as a family and have the present and future to build upon. I still can not fathom the flurry of emotions that occur in a situation like that; because surely loss, anger, resentment, sadness, and confusion were very real and present during the time of absence. Those emotions suddenly meeting up with shock, relief, happiness, love, and longing can really put things into a spin. But I guess eventually all settles down and you take a look at where things are and which way to proceed.


I know for my cousins, there was no other choice but to proceed together and not miss any more time with one another in each other's lives. I strongly believe that if I were ever out of contact with my brother, that I would leap at a chance for reconnection. Whether I speak of my memories with him of the past ten years or our FIRST ten years on this planet... it makes no difference. He is my brother, and he belongs in my life. For all intents and purposes, I can go so far to say he IS my life. He is family.


I wish that for my friend. I wish her family the chance to know and grow with one another. To not dwell on the period of absence as much as focusing on the fact that they have the now and what's ahead. I wish her and her family safe journeys on the long road ahead, but mainly happiness and comfort that once again they are on that road together.

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see you in a few days, gang. next post from me will be in jersey, then another after I get back from DC. safe journeys to you in the meantime!