Interesting development

so last night was interesting.

Y'all know that we as a family love some food, right??? well.. troy and *I* do, anyway. and moosey, too, I guess. rhena.. well.. she's an odd one.

BUT ANYWAY



Last night.. troy stopped off at a burger joint on his way home from job 1. Being that I'm on the no-meat thing for lent, I asked him to bring me home some french fries. (DUDE... I may have given up meat, sweets, and alcohol... but I'm NOT suicidal... I need some things to eat, and by golly; french fries and cheetos are on my safe list!)


anyways.. Troy knocked back the burger and I assisted with the fries. the whole house then proceeded to smell like a deep fryer, but whatever. smelling the lingering aroma of fried fatness help curb my cravings to snack during american idol later.

(which.. btw... who the hell ARE those guys??? it seems like half are look-alikes to someone else, and the others are so forgettable, and holy SHIT Paula is BEYONNNND annoying this year! but in true love-to-hate style.. I'll do a different post just for idol.)


so back to fat. I'm feeling kinda oogey from the fries... but I power through. so troy finishes up the code drop he was workign on, and we settle into some Idol. troy suddenly gets up and starts pacing. then sweating. oops! then POWER-HURLING in the bathroom.

I shit you not... that man has some SERIOUS stomach capacity!!! I have never EVER seen/heard MORE vomit come out of one body.. and this includes ALL of my pregnant pukes, Denita in the famous "huh-huh-SPLOOSH" incident.. OR the vomitorium experience down my hallway that fateful bunco night.

(mmm.. tasty... just right for breakfast, huh, M?)


anyways... we have decided that it's official, and troy is no longer allowed to eat burgers from fast food joints. This is about the 5th time in recent history that he has eaten a burger from a fast food place, and gotten seriously ill. This makes a man like troy very VERY sad. and confused.

and I can't blame him. I mean.. what makes a body go from a lifetime of enjoying a certain food to suddenly rejecting it? I have that issue with all things seafood... though I'm going to test to see if the OPPOSITE can happen.. and go from a body REJECTING something for a long period to gradual acceptance. but that's probably ANOTHER post. I should rename this blog "tangent alley".


anyways.. troy is sad and miserable. mourning the loss of burgers, I guess. I was happy to have a FABULOUS chance to tell him that his puking was annoying to me. HAH!!! (throw-back revenge to preggo days)


I think NEXT time he pukes I'll ask for a massage cause 'my back really hurts'. HAAAAAAA. again... preggo throw-back. he'll NEVER live those down.


His stomach's rejecting of fast food burgers does NOT change my plan to serve burgers on Easter morning, though. he's either gonna have to fend for himself or just man up and pop some zofran like the rest of us.


off to run some errands and playgroup today. speaking of zofran.... consignment sale is looming over my head... I really need to knuckle down and start prepping things. yes.. the guest bedroom looks like a war zone again. sigh. oh.. and final deck estimate should be in by friday. the second one we got was CONSIDERABLY cheaper than the first.. so hoping three's the charm.

Freedom!

so.. tonight is a bunco night. I am happy to announce that today was the first time in a long long time that I woke up on a bunco day without angst or stress.


I don't have to talk myself into wanting to go... I don't have to talk troy into coming home so I CAN go. it's like this WEIGHT has been lifted. it's very freeing.


I WILL admit that I was a little twitterpated last week about how I would be today. do I make troy go to work so it would appear I couldn't have gone ANYWAY? Do I make plans with one of my girlfriends so I'm out of the house and appear 'busy'?


One of my dear friends called me out on it, though. she said something along the lines of "...or you could just not do ANYTHING and know you quit because you didn't want to go anymore?" again. something like that. (ok, maybe it was more something like "fuck them!"... but I knew what she meant. like I said.... something along those lines)

she's totally right. and I took what she said to heart, and today... I woke up feeling GOOD. FREE, in a way.. like I said. SO FREE, in fact, that I can blog about it, despite knowing the hens of stepford have been reading my blog. I mean LURKING. cause despite all the IP addresses I have as proof, no one has stepped up to admit that they've been checking up on me. (What can I say.. troy's a computer geek... that shit is BOUND to rub off, ya know?)


but that's fine. I take it as a form of flattery. apparently I'm more interesting online than in person. (that was for you, susie! HAH) but anyways... it's not like I would share something on here that I don't want to be public knowledge. so lurkers.. keep on lurkin'. nothing's gonna change in these parts.

moving on. Danny had a playdate this morning while rhena was at school. that was fun. need to start doing that more so the boy can hang out with kids his own age. wore his ass out, though.. he was passing out on the way home from getting rhena. he even skipped lunch, which is uncalled for with the moose.


aaah... and I must have spoken too soon. or he smelled the pierogies I heated up for rhena. I hear him calling now, so it's go time for me.

so peace out, happy tuesday.. and may you each feel some freedom today!

sigh

so I just threw a load of laundry in.


yeah. I figured it's only fair that I finish up all of last week's clothes so Troy is really only stuck washing THIS week's.


WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!



I broke the cycle!!! wait for it... I lost 2.2 pounds this past week!!!! even if I lHAD ost the weekly competition, I am SO PLEASED that I finally got a noteworthy loss that I wouldn't care about the laundry. Troy lost 2.8 pounds.. which is awesome, too... he's actually at his lowest weight since moving to North Carolina. I'm very happy for him.


of course, I'm MORE happy for me with no laundry duty this week. cause I'm the WINNER!!!



Weight watchers website continues to UNinspire me. this morning, I recorded my weight like I do every monday... and they had the nerve to tell me that my rate of loss was unhealthy. in the 7 weeks I've been on, I've lost a little over 12 pounds. DUDE. that's LESS than 2 pounds a week average. TOTALLY within healthy parameters. and HOW many weeks in a row of point 6 did I have?


silly, me getting angry at a computer screen. *I'm* happy... and I guess that's all that matters. and I'm still like a pound and a half from my 10% goal weight. Trying to figure out where my REAL goal should be, though. honestly... my REAL goal is to put on a bathing suit without inducing vomit. is there a magic non-vomit number out there?

oh well.. we'll see where I end up. I know one thing for sure.. I'm going to have a cheeseburger on Easter. Troy and I were watching some show on food network, and they featured some dive called The Nook, and they had the MOST GORGEOUSLY GREASY BURGERS (stuffed with CHEESE!! glorious CHEESE!) I may have ever seen.

and while I'll be a dried up shit on a baby's ass if you ever catch me in minnesota... (no offense to you middle-of-the-country-folks) I NEED one of those burgers. so yeah.. for Easter, when Lent is over... we're gonna forego the traditional ham and have stuffed cheeseburgers. well, OUR version of them, anyway. with pierogies. ahh yes.. toilets be warned!!!


alrighty.. speaking of toilets.. gotta make sure rhena didn't fall in ours. or is clogging it with toilet paper.

happy monday, gang!!

Playing Games

ok. if I HAVEN'T said it already, or if you are slow to the chase and haven't figured it out... I have issues.


this whole weight-loss competition I have going with Troy is a BITCH.


I say this because Troy disappears at will to spend time at the gym sweating away whatever evils he might have consumed during the past week.


me on the other hand.... well... if I want to lose weight, I cry. (water weight, right?) or drink lots of coffee so I can shit like a man... which usually ends up with me just crying FASTER... due to the caffiene.


I say most of this in jest. I'm actually getting back into the WW zone. I've come to accept my fate of smaller portions being the healthier option for a person my age and size. or rather, what my size SHOULD be. bleh. to be a few inches taller and 10 years younger!!!


anyways.. I lost last week. the weekly challenge that is. I mean, yes, I lost my standard point-six pounds... but troy definitely lost more weight... so I got bathroom duty. I'm not even going to talk about how I got bleach on new pants while cleaning the bathrooms yesterday.. cause any PRACTICAL person would NOT wear new pants while scrubbing toilets... so yeah. not going there.


I'm ALMOST feeling good about tomorrow's weigh-in, though. knowing troy, he'll bust out with like a 3 pound loss, but as of right now, I think I might break my point-six cycle. after eating breakfast (quiche and coffee), and weighing myself fully dressed (with a sweater, jeans and SHOES on) I am only up point-four pounds from last week's weigh-in. SURELY tomorrow when I wake up, empty the bladder and wear my lightest-fabric pjs... I will be lighter on the scale.


of course... I also plan to add extra cheese to the burrito I'll make for troy when he gets home from the gym. cause you know... every little bit helps. :)

oh, and did I say that this week's loser has to do ALL of the laundry for one week? washed, folded, AND put away? I know this is something I usually do anyway.. but the idea of troy having to do it... and I mean a good solid week's worth.. not just the one or two loads a month he does... well... call me evil.. but that just sounds delicious.


I thought about if I won that I would leave all my laundry scattered around the bedroom and closet and bathroom like he does, and make him go on a daily scouting mission so our son does not start chewing on dirty undergarments (GAG!)... but I will be a good winner (if I win). I WILL put all my clothes in the hamper where they belong.

and if I lose... well... balls to that. I really am hoping to win this week. maybe I'll use the full-fat sour cream in his lunch, too. no. extra cheese. definitely extra cheese. between the fat, calories, and the possible bonus of constipation... I really stand the chance to win this week.


stay tuned for tomorrow's results!

Ain't that sweet

Just realized that this will be my 500th post.


instead of the normal bitching and moaning, I'll just simply say thank you to all of you who have read, still read, and (dare I say) will continue to read my rants here in my lil corner of the web.


Happy Valentine's Day.

much love to all of you... even those of you who don't think that I know you're reading. Yes.. I even send YOU my love.

I say whore, you say BAGGER

TELL me how pleased I am that I just spent the kids' ENTIRE naptime looking for my merigue powder.


OF COURSE it was hidden among the soup cans.


cause you know.. soup.. baking cookies. yeah.


looks like my next 'project' will be to clean/organize the pantry. because the thing I really love to do most (aside from making cookies that I can not eat) is seeing all the food in the pantry that I can not eat.


ok.. before I waste the last remaining 5 minutes of nap time complaining about how I only have 20 points a day for weight watchers and I'm CONSTANTLY HUNGRY and STILL only lost point six pounds and at that rate it's going to be another 6 weeks of eating birdseed if I want to hit my 10% goal... yes.. before I do that... I should go decorate those damn cookies.


by the soup cans. damnit!!!!

Loving Love

yeah, boyeeeeee!!!


ok... do I really need to say more???


I know.. SUCH a train wreck, but man, I DO love this show.

blergh

feeling just a TEEENY bit ill right now. one.. lack of coffee. didn't have any this morning cause we ran out, and the chai tea is NOT giving me enough oomph.


two... trail mix. wtf, Emerald people are the devil.. they make shit SO GOOD (or at least to me when i first taste one of the products I'm all.. OH! that's SO GOOD) then I eat the whole bag. blergh. Just polished off pretty much a whole bag of this stuff. tasty.. but uggg. I should NOT have done that.


went out on a date with troy the other night. so nice! so fun!! almost romantic even!


so I wore the dress I wore on the night we got engaged. I thought I looked kinda cute. at the very least I know i'm about 10 pounds lighter than the first time I wore it... so I was kinda feeling good.

uh... until I looked at the pictures I insisted that troy take. oh well. something about how the camera catches every lump, bump, curve and crevice that make me want to not ever been seen in public again.. much less in that dress again. at least without photoshop built in to everyone's eyeballs.


I think the problem is my pose. I USED to have the lock-down on posing. even in my drunkest stupors I could manage a semi-decent pose. (yes, I KNOW this is because I used to practice posing at all hours of the day so in the event of drunken stupors, my 'pose' would come 'natural'.)

anyways.. that was when .. like 100 years ago? like before kids? I need to find my post-child pose. cause what I have been doing with my arms is working for my right arm, but holy crappernuts, fatman... I had sprouted an ass cheek near my left armpit in the last picture taken. NOT GOOD. momma don't want no extra ass cheek.

I'd share the picture, but there's only SO MUCH public scrutiny I can handle. maybe in another 5 pounds I'll share... but I doubt it. although.. if you take me out to dinner I'll show you however many one-armed ass cheeks you want. Lord knows I love me some free dinners.


speaking of the Lord... we're doing the Lent thing. I don't feel like talking/writing about it now, though. it's Lent, and I'm halfway through day 2. 38 more to go.


alrighty. folks are here, and visiting is going well. mom is coming to rhena's dance class tonight. I think she'll get a kick out of it. I know I do.. and she's a gramma. grammas get into that kind of shit.

speaking of. gotta wake the boogie and get ready to roll.

happy thursday, gang.

here come the troops!

ok.. so I kinda had a teeeeny bit of a breakdown last week.

I allowed myself a good cry or two on Friday (ok, it was more like 3 or 4) but still... who's counting.

the sheer act of crying and allowing a little pity party for myself was energizing and therapuetic. and then life was good again.


ok.. so maybe life got good again, because I actually got to see Troy and have a conversation with him. I have been BLESSED with good friends and a supportive family, and I really can't illuminate just how critical all of them are to my mental well-being in so many ways... but the biggest and most important outside influence on me is without a doubt Troy. When he and I are running seperate shifts or are away from each other for too long... I slowly start falling apart. Hard to admit that, being that I pride myself on how independant I am... but that man is so engrained in my mental and emotional infrastructure... I'd be a lying fool to ever say that I don't need him in my life.

so yeah. he came home on friday evening. before the kids' bedtimes. I finally exhaled.


then.. before I knew it.. things were good again. talked to my mom on saturday, and she said they decided they were going to come down for a visit. I KNOW my distressed state is what prompted the visit, and I tried to assure them that all was fine. but hey... where do you think I get my stubborness from? so they'll be here on wednesday. we're all pretty excited.


Sunday was the stuperbowl.. and we went to our neighbors' house. Chili was had, and it was so good. I gotta tell you.. those two have the LOCK DOWN on chili and cornbread. It was a very nice visit. rhena was beside herself to be at their house playing... *I* was beside myself to be out of the house and to be around other adults.. and even though danny did frizzle out about an hour into the game and we had to leave before halftime... it was very nice of them to have us over. again. good times.


tonight is CCD... and troy's planning on coming home to watch the kids. !!! I still know not to hold my breath until he actually calls and says he's on his way.. but I know that he'll try to make it happen.


and tomorrow!!! DATE NIGHT!!! My girlfriend is going to babysit for us, and Troy and I are going to start on our new year's resolution of hitting at least 6 of charlotte's top restaurants this year. A new place opened up here in town, and since wednesday starts lent, I'm gonna have my own personal Fat Tuesday.


ooh.. speaking of FAT... weighed in this morning. AGAIN only point-six pounds down. I totally know that I should have been down more, but in addition to the chili and cornbread and potato chips... I also had some espresso brownies and oreo cheesecake yesterday. and AGAIN I'm constipated.


I'm convinced it's my shitty binge-eating that wrecks my digestive tract on the weekends, and stops my ass up. I should switch my weigh-in day to like wednesday. I'm usually my lowest weight on wednesdays and thursdays. oh well. I still lost this week. annnnd... snicker snicker.. troy GAINED weight!!! so I win DOUBLE this week.

I couldn't think of anything creative as a prize this week, so stuck with the massage theme. BUT.... because I lost and troy gained.. he owes double. so now I get TWO half-hour massages. sweet.

so there you have it.

hope everyone had a good weekend.

the home stretch?

ok. I'm HOPING that troy will come home at some point today before midnight.

I remember seeing him on monday... he actually came home in time to watch the kids so I didn't have to bring them with me to CCD.


the rest of the week is a blur, though. I have been on double-duty bed routine since tuesday, and I'm a little worn out. it's not so much for lack of sleep... I'v e been getting about 6 hours a night.. so I'm doing well in that department.


just... the kids. well.. they're kinda driving me nuts. Danny's daytime sleep habits are unpredictable and at times not happening. this does NOT make for a happy boy during the high-stress times of the day like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. and snack times.


and is it me, or do ALL three year olds secretly take speed? maybe it's just rhena. but when you combine her INCESSANT energy with her "follow-the-imaginary-script-inside-my-head-or-we're-gonna-take-it-from-the-top" role-playing she does... well.. frankly, by friday, I really think Joseph and his technicolor dreamcoat can just fucking STAY in the cage.

and let's not forget that when I actually DO see troy again.. *I* get to give him a massage cause I didn't lose enough weight this week.


sigh.


I CAN do this.


anyways.. in other news... the church bake sale is this weekend, so I'll be making up stuff for that. that'll be a good 'busy' activity for rhena since it's puring out, and I am not gonna drag the kids out today.

Stuperbowl is this sunday.... We're supposed to be going to our neighbor's house. I'm on the fence about that one. I'm excited about getting out of the house... but given the fact that the game probably starts like a minute before bedtime for the moose, and I probably won't see troy until FIFTEEN minutes before we go... bleh. on the UP side.. I think of the chili and cornbread and know that once I'm eating (strike that.. SHOVELING IT IN MY MOUTH) well.. I'm sure I can rally.

that is, if I don't fall apart before then.

Stalker!!

ok.. maybe STALKER is a little too strong of a word.... but I do love a strong beginning.





so let's see... if not stalking.. then.. voyeurism? what exactly would you label observing someone in a publicly accessible area when they might not be aware of you observing them? lurking?





anyways.. once again, troy was working last night. he came home so we could go to the lumber store to view the samples of composite woods, as well as the three main brands of composites... (which, btw... when your husband coming home early means he comes in at 6pm.. you MIGHT want to check to see if the lumber store is even OPEN at that time first by calling ahead, versus going all the way there to see it dark and locked up.)



ok. so whatever. get home after an unsuccessful mission, then troy goes back to work. well.. the other job. ANYWAYS.



so since every now and then I hold a soft spot for the workhorse.. I promise not to watch our common favorite shows until he's home and we can watch them together. so SINCE I couldn't watch American Idol (no spoilers, please... I still haven't watched it) I figured what the heck.. might as well play call of duty.



so I did, and during one session, I got grouped into a particular group of people. one happened to be a girl. now.. if you're at ALL familiar with these online shoot-em-up games... you'll know MOST players are either teenage boys or tech nerds like my husband. so imagine the testosterone a'flyin when these boys realized it was a GIRL playing.



OH the flirting that was happening... I nearly laughed out loud. well, I SUPPOSE it was flirting. the girl was all "oh, HOORAY!! I shot someone! hee hee hee" and "oh no no no!! not fair! I'm re-loading! you can't shoot me! no fair! hee hee hee"



EVERYTHING this girl said ended in some form of giggle or cheer. on ONE hand, it made me want to stab my ears with pencils... but on the other.. I couldn't stop listening to the 'show'.





about three 'games' later.. one of the guys asked her how old she was. 20 was her response... though I'm betting she was probably younger. cause if she was really 20, she would have lied and said she was 21. I remember. I used to be that age once, too.



anyways.... when you play those kind of games.. you see trends. most of the time, you get one or two talkers... but EVERY TIME a girl is playing.. the guys come out of the woodwork, and the guys stay on for the longest time.



I SORT of felt guilty for listening the whole time, but hey.. they were in a public place... what they choose to say is fair game for listening, right? of course, I had a good time snickering at how immature the whole scenerio was... and had fun telling troy all about it. He asked me if I piped up and said anything... so of course I said no. I was worried that if they knew I was listening that they might change what they were talking about, and I was having a good time just watching the show.



not sure exactly what I was hoping for. a juicy morsel? scandal? that's doubtful in last night's case... but I know I've been guilty of gawking before in many other situations. I'm going to try to work on that during Lent this year.



of COURSE it'll be much easier to stop lurking once the writers' strike gets settled. DAMN I miss my shows.





speaking of shows.. SO HAPPY that Lost is back on tonight. oh, but troy will be working late again, so I'll have to wait another night for lost. sigh.





that's it. I'm gonna start putting chick ficks in my netflix queu.



(ps.. pardon the spelling errors. spell check is not working, and I don't feel like going back to edit.)

Locked out!

so this morning is interesting... I logged into our online banking this morning, and when I went to our 'bill-pay' feature (I like to see what bills have been sent out, what ones are dues, and which ones are still being processed... gives me an idea of how much money is really in the account, versus the number I see as the balance...)


anyways.. even though I could log into my account, I couldn't access my bill-pay features. damnit.

so then I hopped over to one of the two credit cards we keep.. same thing there... wouldn't let me access the account. hmph.


I suppose that's not exactly blog-worthy.. but hey. I'm trying to get back into blogging again.


in other news.... I've had a run of crazy dreams again lately. very tense ones at that. the other day I was dreaming that the entire family on my mom's side was trapped in the basement of our house (pre-fire days) waiting on a hurricane or tornado to hit. Even some people from my high school were there.. which is strange, cause I only talk to about 3 people from high school still. anyways.. I distinctly remember having rhena sitting next to me, and me stressing the fuck out internally about the impending doom heading our way, but trying to stay lighthearted and calm around rhena so SHE wouldn't worry. bleh. I woke up wondering how mothers (or fathers for that matter) tend to their children during natural disasters. bleh again. I was very tense when I woke up.


another dream was that I was living in the world of Call of Duty 4. and I was truly running around like I do when *I* play the game. which, btw.. is quite the scene to watch, cause I spin around and bump into walls more than I actually shoot people. once again I woke up tense and exhausted.

there have been little flashes of dreams here and there in addition to the big ones, but again.. very tense themes. I think it's because of this damn diet. I'm so freaking hungry all the time so I go to bed tense. maybe? or maybe I'm just tense in general? uh.. probably.

I WILL say for the record, though, that when troy called from his real job (not the part-time job) saying that he would be working late once again.. he came home around 7:30pm. which is actually EARLY in the grand scheme, being that he normally has been coming home around 11pm or midnight.. but since it was just one shift at the real job.. well then I guess it was late.. but I digress... besides.. I'm confusing myself.

ANYWAYS.. we said screw it and ordered pizza. crispy, greasy.. bad-for-my-ass PIZZA. it was delightful.


and you know something??? I had no bad dreams last night. a little heartburn... but no bad dreams.

End of an Era

so today... I officially quit bunco.



I have a LOT of reasons why.. one of course being that someone threw up all over my house... but that for sure is not the only reason.


I suppose that's perfectly natural considering I went to bunco for all of about MAYBE three times in 2007? despite having a set date once a month.. I just was NOT able to get it together most months. either the kids had issues or troy was working, or we were out of town...


the biggest reason I think is the guilt. NOT GOING month after month has started to bother me. I mean.. for no lack of planning, like I said.. I just couldn't make it most months. this would leave me pissy, frustrated, short-changed.. you name it. month after month.


so I decided to stop kidding myself, and remove my tendency to get my hopes up and inevitably get disappointed each month. which is all a bunch of bullshit mind games to myself.. cause deep down I know I quit cause I have to keep putting my family's schedule and needs above my own... but on the surface I guess I at least feel like I was able to make the decision to quit. like some reverse-psychology empowerment or some shit.


oh well. bunco nights come and go. having a happy and harmonious family takes work and maintenance... and I feel (at least I'm hoping on this premise) that with enough investment now... I shall reap the rewards of free time in the future.

(yeah.. like when the kids are old and grown and doing their own thing and I have no friends or sense of self to do anything with?? I'll have PLENTY of free time then, right?? crickets chirp.)

ok. sarcasm aside.. I feel ok about this decision. I mean.. I don't get much time with my husband... and family time (meaning the four of us) is even rarer... so do I REALLY want to whittle away the few occasions a month that troy IS HOME on a night in some one's house surrounded by a bunch of women that I haven't seen in months? on the effort-out-reward-in scale... I'm just not feeling the balance there too much .

and once again.. I see I'm using words like balance again. can you TELL I haven't found it yet???


oh well. for now.. I'm cool with dropping out of bunco. I seriously doubt I'll see the women involved any more or any less now than before... and if the action of quitting takes away just one more thing that I stress about.. well, then I guess that's a good thing, Martha.

I'm a loser, baby

yeah... lost the weekly weigh-in to troy this week. bastard was down THREE POUNDS!!! seriously!


I was down point-6 pounds.. so not BAD.. but clearly not good enough. I owe the man another back-rub.


though I have to say... I should have planned this weekly betting thing a little better. not ONLY am I raring with PMS (can you saying walking BLOAT??) but I ALSO haven't crapped since friday. so pretty much once a month I screwed with the weight.


I can only hope that by next week (and a few good dumps) I will be bloat free and down a bit more than I was this week.

other than that.. same ole same ole. I'm hungry... and now with the added bonus of hormones. and constipation. good times!!!

unleashed

so lately, I feel like I've been exposed to.. in some fashion or another... questionable parenting techniques.


today was a doozie, and I SWORE I was just going to walk away... not say anything. "let it go, let it go...." I told myself.


I went upstairs and folded some laundry. but that got me fired up even MORE, cause I was folding the kids' clothes... so that just made me stew.


so as you may or may not know.. a few weeks ago, I took a parenting survey. sick.. unsettled.. the whole deal. you can read back.. it's only a few posts ago. so TODAY.. I'm reading online about a friend who has a friend who is smoking. while pregnant.


ok... I see isolated cases of stupidity like ALL the time.. most of the cases from myself, as chance would have it.. cause well.. I'm around myself the most. but the smoker apparently admitted to knowing that smoking while pregnant is bad... but JUSTIFIED it by saying that HER mother smoked while she was pregnant with HER, and since SHE turned out ok, that she's going to smoke, too.

right... because APPARENTLY the nicotine exposure she had in her life has had no effect on her cognitive reasoning ability... and since she herself is now not addicted or anything.. she's just CHOOSING to expose her unborn child to nicotine. cause you know.. she's fine and everything.

or you know.. spanking. "my parents spanked ME, and *I* turned out ok!!" Cause I guess bullying, hitting or otherwise ABUSING a CHILD 20-30 years younger than you is considered 'ok' behavior.

I find a cases like these behaviors for someone in my age group to be as equally appalling as racism. I mean SERIOUSLY. That old adage "well it worked for my parents, and *I* turned out ok" is shameful. I mean, UNLESS your parent is like 3 or 5 years older than you... I do not see how ANYONE in my generation could subscribe to that line of thinking.

in 'my parents' day"... yes... they drank a few beers while driving. we as children sat on laps.. or in the back-back with no seat belts. wooden spoons and belts and waiting for fathers coming home were feared. people smoked. indoors. drugs were done and unprotected sex was had. and hey.. we came out ok. right?

but that was then and this is now. I'm not saying that what my folks did or didn't do was right or wrong. what I AM saying is that we're playing a different ballgame now. in the last thirty years... information has become available. research has been done. medical documentation has PROVEN the effects on a fetus of smoking, drinking and/or doing drugs while pregnant. We also have learned that SHAKING a baby to quiet it while screaming can cause brain damage.

I mean.. I'm no doctor.. but some of this shit is SO BASIC and considered common knowledge now that I can't understand how people can say ... "yeah, well.. I'll take my chances".

For whatever parenting techniques my parents might have employed that I do or do not agree with... I do so because I'm making my choices based on the information available to me... as in right here and now. just like they did thirty years ago. (ok.. thirty PLUS years ago) I do not in any way fault my parents for anything they may have done "wrong' by today's standards. They did the best they could based on the knowledge, resources, and history available to them at the time. SHIT.. there's things that I do differently with Danny because shit changed over the 2 years that passed between his and rhena's birth.

Were my parents WRONG for pulling a britney and having me on their lap while they drove to get their cheetos fix at a local store? NO. they didn't even HAVE car seats back then. SO why was the media so agog at Brit-Brit's choice to go without the car seat? I mean.. hey.. SHE turned out ok, right?


And listen.. I know my argument of things working for parents etc doesn't hold up in ALL categories. I feel that my parents did A SHITLOAD of things right... and many many many are behaviors I chose to expose my children to. But being a sensible adult now.. being a parent myself now.. I feel it is my DUTY... for the sake of the innocent humans I brought into this world.. to make the best decisions based on information available to me... and not just press play and repeat.

gettin busy

hah! bet you thought this post is/was/will be about sex. NOPE.


seriously.. troy's been working all week at his real and part-time-he-swears-it's-just-for-fun job. please, like CODING is fun. blah.



anyways.. gotta see the man to do the deed, and that, I'm afraid, just isn't happening. Troy has been busy.


as for me.. well, you know.. doing the whole eat bon bons and pretend I do housework thing. sheee-yeah RIGHT? fuckin A, I've been busy, too.


finally got the tree down, boxed up, and away. floors mopped. carpets vacuumed, things dusted. sofas spot-treated. kids fed... like all the time cause apparently even when you feed them they keep getting hungry again.

there's been multiple trips to the library, cause dude.. doing the single mom thing all day every day is just NO FUN when you don't leave the house.

did some decorating (hey.. if troy's going to be gone making all this extra money.. I might as well spend it for him, right?) not anything major, but a few key pieces here and there. a mirror, a lamp, a wall decor thing.. you know. make the house lived in. which is ironic, cause troy's never here, and here I am spending money on decorative things to make us look settled, and all I do all damn day is pick up the toys and laundry and do dishes so it doesn't look like we actually LIVE here. issues.

speaking of issues. we're expecting snow. again. here. in the south. WTF, people??? we had our 1/4 inch STORM OF THE YEAR on thursday.. that's it. we should be good now until next year, but nooooooo... now we're supposed to get more.


grumble grumble grumble.

oh well.. I'll just bundle the kids up like the little brother from christmas story and let 'em roll around for a little. maybe the cold air will make them sleep. but I'm not getting my hopes up.


anyways.. that's it. not a lot of anything, I suppose. just busy. and I was getting tired of looking at that last post.

ok, then.

Win some, lose one

bleh. I knew this would happen. Troy whooped my ass this week in our diet challenge.


He lost 3.8 pounds this past week, and I only lost one. I SHOULD be happy, considering I ate at wendy's on friday (junior bacon cheeseburger AND french fries... I about died from the delight of it all) AND I have yet to go to the gym.... and hey.. one pound is one pound!

but still. I hate losing. losing in a competition, that is.. not losing weight. we've already established that I like to do that.


The prize this week is that the winner receives a half-hour, full-attention (meaning no tv, no excuses) massage from the loser. bleh. I HATE giving massages. I have weak hands or something (read I'm lazy) but man.. I just lose interest in the giving after like... 2 minutes.


oh well. fair and square.. I'll pay up. my total loss is up to 6.2 pounds. not bad for 2 weeks in.



in other news.. I participated in a north carolina university survey yesterday. it was based on parenting techniques/discipline behaviors. there were a lot of questions that established environment.. such as race, income, neighborhood, and marital status as well as primary child care situations.


after all that was established, they asked my and troy's habits in terms of interaction with Danny. they stated that their line of questioning comes from statistical findings of discipline methods from around the country as well as around the world. so yeah, yeah.. I started answering. the questions started off easy enough... how often do I praise Moosey, cuddle with him, read a book to him. then they got into the negative disciplines... asked how often I or my husband hit danny with an object such as a belt, spoon, or hairbrush on his buttocks.


This question didn't strike me as too alarming, as I know there are people (some of which I consider friends) that consider 'spanking' as an effective method of discipline for their children. This is NOT a method that Troy and I believe in or will ever be convinced to employ for our children for SO MANY reasons that I shall not list here... as that is not my topic. not that I've ever been afraid to go off topic or say something that might piss other people off... I just want to get back to the survey.


anyways.. I was easily able to answer the questions seeking to know that troy and/or I have never smacked, swatted or otherwise hit our children with any object or with our bare hands on their buttocks, back, head or other part of their bodies. Then the questions went further. have we ever pinched our children? intentionally put spicy food in their mouth as a form of punishment? called them names like stupid or useless? threatened to leave and never come back? locked them out of the house? scream or curse at the child? shake to stop crying? scald, brand, or otherwise burn?


at this point in the survey, I could not contain my emotions. the 'focus group' of the survey were children UNDER the age of two. answering these questions and watching Moosey play in front of me made me want to throw up. do people REALLY do that? to BABIES???


overall, the survey made me sick and unsettled. are we as a society THAT uneducated and barbaric?

again.. it made me sick and unsettled. and perhaps there's no point to my writing this other than to get it out of my system. I know where I stand in terms of what I feel is acceptable methods of discipline for my children, and I will do my best to always rise above the symptoms of the situation so that my children can learn to do the same in THEIR future without resorting to violence. my only question is that I wonder if that's going to be enough.


note - If you want to comment, I encourage you to keep in mind the following. First and foremost... this is NOT about you. If YOU do or don't beat, curse at, swat or otherwise hit your children in the past, present or intend to do so in the future... that's your business. Frankly, I don't WANT to know. I just wanted to share my personal experience and reactions to something that happened yesterday. and to let it go.


at the end of the day, I found myself able to love my children even MORE. My resolve to be a positive influence on my children was re-established and recharged. and while I know that's no sure-fire guarantee that my kids will turn out to be GOOD people when and as they grow up, it's still what's going to work for me and troy.

Sunshine in the rain

today, I was in line for the drive through at dunkin donuts, and a woman TOTALLY cut me off. hard to explain the actual logistics, but when I looked up from clipping coupons to give her a quizzical look (read "did you just cut me off, bitch?) she realized she made a mistake.


and it was an innocent mistake.. on account she wasn't paying attention. but either way.. now she was ahead of me in the drive-through lane. she did some frantic arm waving (read "oh my god I'm so sorry, I'm a total dumbass") and I smiled from my car and waved her ok.


turns out she gave the cashier $2 to put towards my order to apologize for cutting me off.

who says the sun can't shine when it's raining?

getting there

DAMN I can just not seem to get myself organized this year.


I fear that with each passing year it's going to take me longer and longer to recover from 4th quarter.. and soon I'm just going to say fuck it all and leave the christmas tree up all year.

like I did in seattle.


sigh.


of COURSE I would be much more inclined to DO SOMETHING if I wasn't so damn distracted being HUNGRY all the live-long day. yes.. I started up weight watchers again. it's so embarrassing... I lost all that weight.. was down to a happy place in the 120's... then I stopped nursing, kept eating, and wham-bam-thank-you-fat m'aam, I'm back up in the 130's.

the GOOD news is that I've enlisted Troy to join WW, too. hey.. misery loves company, right? but the bastard that he is.. gets like 300 points a day, to my measly 23. oh well... I will survive.


in fact, one week down already. I think I was too busy bitching about how hungry I was to keep track of time, but sure enough.. one week has passed. happily, I did lose 5.2 pounds... but alas.. my period is also gone, so I'm thinking some of that weight was for sure due to Aunt Flo. no matter.. that's an encouraging start.. and compared to Troy's 5.8 pounds lost... I maintain the higher percentage of weight lost for the week, and he... must clean all the bathrooms this weekend.

ain't love grand?


oh well. back to the grind. cause posting to a blog sure isn't helping to get the decorations put away.

Bragging or shame?

so as a "Christmas" present.. troy and I got my mom 2 tickets to see Wicked when it's playing here in Charlotte. Given the fact that my dad is hard of hearing, and Troy's really not all that in to musicals... we're (or at least I am) banking on that my mom will bring me with the other ticket. :)


ok.. so pretty much I told her out right that she and I are going, but fact remains that she holds both tickets. I need to keep my ass in check for the next 4 months if I want to go.. otherwise she may learn how to sell them on ebay in her free time. or worse.. bring someone else.


anyway.. my point is that I am working on reading the book for which the musical was based on. I don't get to read that often.. but in a 5 minute break here and there, I'm knocking it out a page at a time.


so I was sitting on the toilet the other day and looked down at the book (what can i say.. I'm a mom, and the only real "free time" I get is when I'm in the can. sometimes. at least mostly when I lock the door.)

so on the cover of the book, it boldly states "Over one million copies in print". well.. that's really great. at least for the author. but then I started thinking about what that really means. With the population of the USA being roughly 303 million people.. one million doesn't seem to be such a large number. hang on.. I'm not to the shame part. so yeah.. 1 million in print is about 1 book to every 303 people.

Wicked is NOT exactly a children's book... so when you break down the population by considering roughly 28 percent of americans are under the age of 19... now we're looking at about 219 million people. (I will point out that I recognize that there will be a large reading group from the age of about 10-19 that may enjoy a book like wicked.. but I am also assuming that a comparable number of older citizens comprise a near-blind or fully blind state and would be unable to read a printed copy. so.. tit-for-tat teenagers are cancelling out the blinds. (yes.. I know that is skewed logic, but this a damn blog post.. not a frigging term paper, people))

ok. back to about 219 million. that's about one book to every 219 people. adults. considering most reports point to about 40-44 MILLION adults being functionally illiterate... i'd say it's fair to knock off another 42 folks.

ok.. so now we're at one book to every 177 people. so I did a little more digging. according to a little article from NY times.. there are about 55.2 million couples that are lawfully married. another 6 million of so couples live together but are either not married or are in a same-sex relationship. so that another 61 million couples.. meaning 122 million adults.

oh you know what.. forget it. I'm boring myself.


my point was just that it seems like 1 million copies of ONE particular book seems rather high in an age of digital, audio, libraries and the timeless fashion of sharing a book between friends. I know for SURE that I'm the third reader of this copy (my mom and brother have read it prior to me.. maybe even my dad and sister-in-law have as well...) and I do plan on passing it on to my girlfriends that I swap books with.

because do we REALLY need another thing collecting dust in this world? oh well. I'm not trying to take any merits or money away from the author... I'm just saying out loud that I had an actual minute where I thought about how much I consume. ironic that I was thinking about consumption in the potty... but still... enough pause was taken that one of my resolutions this year is to be a little more green this year.

speaking of green. it would seem that the kiddies are still asleep, and I could be reading more about the life and times of Elphaba.

New Year, old habits

hey all.. another new year it would seem, huh.

I'd SAY I will be posting more... but anyone who's been around me enough knows that my posts come and go no matter WHAT my intentions are.

right now, we're just getting back in the swing of things.. as well as taking on some new ones. first new thing on the agenda is boogie-girl is now in a dance class.

this in itself should be a whole post, because I am SOOOO ill-equipped to be a mom of a dancer. in the past week.. I have purchased no less than THREE pairs of shoes (all the wrong ones, btw) and am on a mission to find some obscure store where I will no doubtedly be roped into buying $250 worth of pink things because they are what rhena needs to correctly learn how to 'dance creatively'. I sigh. at least she looks cute in her outfit.

but I now need to muster the moose so we can go stock up on diapers; both for danny and myself. apparently the new year has also brought me a new menstrual cycle. good times!

(oh please.. like you expect anything less than too much information here!)

something happened

something happened to me these past few months. I stopped writing about life, and started living it.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with blogging. I think it's a great tool for communication. networking. stress relief. sharing. (even when shit probably shouldn't be shared)

but.... it just hasn't been my top priority lately.

which is a shame, cause I feel like an ass for not taking enough pause to publicly note that my mooser turned one. back in november. oops.

but hey. look at him. he's happy, he's healthy... and now he's one.

bleh.

things are good. just busy.

mom and dad come back from italy at the end of the week, then will pretty much wash their asses and turn around to come down here to visit. then it's rhena's thanksgiving party at school, danny's first birthday, thanksgiving, troy's christmas party, my birthday, the christmas social and troy's birthday. all of this and more, happening at the Apollo all before December 10th.


then we head to jersey.

Gloria Gaynor, be my mentor, and St. Jude PLEASE help me find my home-made disco mix to get my ass up and through new year's.

Trick or Treat

the TRICK was getting them to both sit still AND look at the camera AND smile so we could get a picture.

The TREAT was that for one year, and if only probably my LAST... I got to have my kids in coordinating costumes for Halloween.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you the Princess and the Frog-Prince...

Happy Halloween!!!

Fright Night

ok.. so if you ever catch yourself living in stepford, and attending a halloween-themed bunco... it is entirely acceptable to dress as a cat.



Might I warn against sticking silver skull confetti in front of your front teeth and trying to pose all ganstah, though....





you'll just end up looking like a retarded bunny. (retarded bunny dressed like a cat, that is...)

Feeling Blue

Sometimes... I just don't HAVE to write anything.

---update from the walk is on the way; just wanted to lighten the mood around here a little.

Before I begin

Tomorrow is the walk.


before I go and walk my ass off, I want to take pause and give recognition to the SO MANY PEOPLE who helped me achieve my fundraising goal.

For whatever reasons you had to dig in and shell out... I thank you. you all are a huge reason why I'm doing this walk tomorrow. Cause you believe, too. plain and simple... cause you believe.


You're in good company.

_______________

Troy, Rhena, and Danny. Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad Johnson. Derek, Dawn, Dara, Delaney, and Damian. Rachel, Rob, and Lindsay. Jennifer. Denita. Suser, Dan, Liam, and Seamus. Jody, Brad, Dov, and Zoe. Fergie, Jamie, and Jackson. Bridget, Jason, Riley, and Jordan. Laura and David. Gary and Nora. Diana, Garratt, Tucker, and Callie. Marisa. Kelli, Mathew, Kendal, and Ava. Katy, Mike, Dylan, and Cameron. Nancy and Mike. Jenni, Dale, and Garrett. Karen. Bill and Heather. Jina. Tracy. Christina, Scott, Dane and Carissa. Kristina, Mike, Casey and Jacob. Avani, Nimish, and Rushabh. Gina. Maria, Joel, Maddie and Aidan. Marianna. Maria, Ed, Cassie, Anna, and Rachel.

like I said.... Good company. I couldn't do this without you.

thank you all!!!

The irony dumbfounds me

so my last post I bitched about my DVR and the networks and just spoke of TV in general.

WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, that the VERY next morning, Rhena came down with a cold of some sorts, and was running a fever for 2 days straight. all she wanted was to lay in my bed and watch tv. (and when I say TV I mean the huge variety of three shows she deems acceptable to watch.) too bad I didn't have any of her 'shows' saved up in my room.


we muddled through, though.... and all was back to normal in our house by thursday.


oh, that is until the cable company decided to do 'improvements' in our area.


since yesterday morning, we have had no cable or internet connection.


ASK me how PLEASED I was that the ONE NIGHT of tv I look forward to the most was pretty much CANCELLED for me. and not just cancelled... more like a personal BITCH SLAP for complaining earlier in the week, because don't you KNOW my neighbors acrss the street have cable and internet?

well, I know this because 1- I CALLED my neighbor last night, ready to commiserate missing betty, office, and grey's... and she was pissed I was interrupting her shows. oh, and I know the neighbors across the street have internet, because I'm pirating their bandwidth (not bandWITH, daddy!) just to bitch on this post.


It seems silly to be pissed about missing a little tv, but c'mon... I REALLY look forward to those 3 shows each week... ESPECIALLY now since the writers of the office have finally gotten a clue and made the show an hour long!!!

I'm going to call the cable company when we finally get connected again, and ask that I get pro-rated a refund for the days of no service. seems only fair that the bitches buy me a coffee as some consolation. They should buy my neighbors a coffee, too, being that THEIR connection is probably slow as shit with me hacking into their wireless and all.... but I'll be happy with just the one for me and troy.

I could be SO RICH

... but you know I'm not.


huh?


what in hell is she talking about now, you ask?


welll... it goes like this.


I'm a tv junkie. we know this. I watch so many primetime shows during the regular viewing season (ie.. not the summer suckity shit the networks give us... though I have to say, I'm really not impressed with some of the newer BIG AWESOME MUST-SEE shows lately... but I digress)

ANYWAYS.... between having multiple recording of higglytown heroes, mickey mouse and little einsteins on the main tv to satiate the beast that my daughter can become, and MY shows that apparently I'm just too fucking tired to stay up and watch, or... in cases like thursday nights, when I have 2 favorite shows on at the same time... my DVR fills up fast.


now, if I could watch some of my shows upstairs in my room (instead of the usual falling asleep to Troy's favorite.. the Military channel) where I would be much more comfortable... i could 'burn' through my show queue faster.

(side note.. for this very reason, we have a DVR in our bedroom, too, but that just means making sure TWO tvs are scheduled properly, especially when the networks jerk you around by having the shows run to 10:03pm, EVEN THOUGH THE GUIDE SAYS IT RUNS TIL 10:02.... THUS CAUSING YOU TO MISS THE EVER-FUCKING-IMPORTANT LAST MINUTE WHERE ALL THE SHIT FOR NEXT WEEK IS SET UP!!!! )(which, by the way-- I know, another side note--- is my personal thought that the networks are fucking with you for trying to have it all... and the run their shit staggered like that to force people into watching it real-time, or record the show AFTER the show you really want to watch, hoping to get some viewers hooked on the second show who really only just want that last minute of the first show)


bleh. it gets to be too much, and then I forget which show I watched where and what tv has what recorded.. it's enough to make an already frazzled mom scream.


so WHY can't there just be ONE mainframe for the house that any tv can record and/or retrieve from???


naturally, I proudly told troy my geek-a-licious idea, and he told me we COULD have that.. if only we (blah blah computer jargon blah blah blah) set up a hard drive (blah blah more techie shit blah blah) each tv had a wireless (blah blah I'm really glossing over now, couldn't you have just said "great idea honey" blah blah)

yeah. and I COULD have a great body and a clean home all the time, too.. but how practical is THAT????


I'm just talking ONE box.... and any tv that's plugged into your cable or satellite outlet can record or play from that one 'box'. no more drinking coffee to watch the shows downstairs so I don't fall asleep on the couch and fuck up my back!! I can watch them upstairs!!!

I could have breakfast in bed with rhena in our room while we knock back bowls of strawberry oatmeal and watch mickey mouse!!! and NOT worry that the episode where it's minnie's birthday isn't on that particular tv!!! cause you KNOW a girl's gotta have a little minnie's birthday now and then....



anyways... I'm stating my idea here on the web hoping that SOMEONE who can do all that wiring digital shit might hear me and understand my plight. I'd LIKE for this technology to be called DCO.. for Digital Carrie-Over. cause you know.. my name being Carrie and all... and I didn't think Cze-Johnson flowed very well.

hell.. it could even be called Digital Carry Over.. with the Y... I'd still know they were thinking of me.


Now... before you start ripping me a new one with your smarty-pants-selves.. I don't have ANY clue if this technology already exists. I know for DAMN sure it doesn't exist in MY house. I mean seriously.. didn't you just read how I'm too busy watching my shows???

I SUPPOSE the best answer would be for me just to pull the damn plug and read a book... that would pretty much solve my problems!!! but c'mon..... that's just not as much fun!

DCO, people. you heard it here first!

Clifford, the Big Red (and apparently pissed off) Dog

So I know it's been a while since I last checked in. all is going well, and the school year is in full swing. We had Rhena's birthday party last week, and everyone seemed to have a tropically good time at her luau.


CCD started again for me, and that also is going well. keeping me busy... but going well.


One of the coolest things about me teaching CCD this year, though, is NOT the actual teaching. No.. it's not even the students I have this year. Though I imagine they'll prove to be pretty rockin' 2nd graders... no... the coolest thing about me teaching this year is that I'm teaching in the same classroom that Rhena goes to preschool in. (yes, she attends preschool at our church)



SO every monday night, I get to peer into her world a little. I look at the crafts that are hanging on the boards and walls.... I see posted lesson plans.... and when it's quiet.. like after class is over and the students are gone and I'm cleaning the desks... well, I could swear I hear Rhena laughing from the week before.




but SPEAKING of laughing... I had to share this. Apparently, the kids had been reading about Clifford, and focusing on the color red. so there have been a lot of red projects that come home.. and I ooh and aah appropriately to Rhena as she displays her artwork to me each day.



So ONE project is still hanging up in their class. below you will see a group of clifford-heads... a small sampling of what was done by the students in her class. looks cute when all together... the eyes, the noses... some dogs with their perfect puppy pouts....









annnnnnd.... here's Rhena's.








looks like Clifford had a bad day, you think?

Too much and Too Little

yeah... so I HONESTLY had every intention of writing a nice fatty post about all that's been going on, but as it turns out.. after opening today's mail, I see I need to spend the next lifetime on the phone with the insurance baggers.

apparently, in dropping Troy (who has high blood pressure and high cholesterol) from our health insurance, and just having me and the healthy children on the policy... our monthly premium costs just WENT UP $40???


*sigh*


give me strength. or sleep... cause I'm running low on energy to deal with this shit!

I blinked

somehow... when I was busy trying to survive motherhood and all the stuff in between... Rhena up and turned another year older.





She's three today.





My potty-going, kiss-giving, big sister being, booty shakin, preschool going, CRAZY ASSED HAIR havin BABY is three.





There's plenty of not-exactly poetic waxing I could do.... but I'm still trying to put the house back together after getting the entire interior painted last week, plan a luau... and you know... sing happy birthday to Rhena about 600 more times. Cause that's how we roll.

happy birthday, Boogie-Loo!

My closet needs Zofran

seriously.

look at this room!!! I SWEAR my closet didn't puke, but man oh man.. it looks like it did, huh?

This season's big consignment sale starts this weekend, and I've been prepping for it. To say I'm overwhelmed would be an understatement. To say my guest bedroom is a disaster zone would ALSO be an understatement.

I... well... I...

*sigh*

I have a LOT of work to do.

only 120 minutes

so today was Rhena's first day of preschool.

She was only there for 2 hours... part of some ease-in period they have for the little ones. And the full-length class is only three hours, so when added to the idea that she'll only be going twice a week... well... I suppose it doesn't sound like a big deal.

but it is.

At least to us it is.

My baby boogie-loo... my rhena-beana... my monkey, my monster.... did I say my BABY??? went to school today!!!!

SHE--- was thoroughly excited, and is already asking when she gets to go again. This is big stuff, considering that the only responses she's had around humans other than Troy, myself, Moosey and our folks is that of hiding, crying, or pretty much hiding AND crying.

So again.. for her to want to go to a place that requires her to be around people (and SPEAK to them, for that matter) is like an ass-hair short of a phenomenon.

ME---- well... I had my tears and fears about a month ago, and a teeeeeny little bit again for good measure last night. I told Troy that it was kinda like the night before a big exam. nothing I could do at that point would change how rhena would behave, react or perceive her school. Nothing could be done to change HER. she was either going to be ready or she wouldn't. I would have either done my job in raising a tolerable (dare I go for PLEASANT?) little girl who would respond well in a classroom situation. (two weeks shy of) Three years in the making.. all boiling down to 120 minutes.

ok, ok... so maybe everything wouldn't be riding on today's 120 minutes, and that's just my flare for drama and suspense coming through... but you know what I mean. It was still a pivotal point in MY mind.

So I let go of the worries last night, and was able to enjoy today. We took pictures. we sang songs while getting dressed. we took more pictures. we had a dance party, we packed her snack, and we went to school. and you know.... took a few more pictures.

we did not cry.

Not when the three kids in her class erupted into full-on terror fits when THEIR parents left. nope. no tears. Not when she said goodbye to danny and told him to be a good moo-moo for his mama. nope. no tears then, either. And definitely not when I got *MY* kiss goodbye. we both did good.

In fact, there was nothing but celebration and happiness today.

SO I guess that's why I find it strange that as I sit here, looking at the little girl below with the big ole happy face, full of excitement and anticipation of all that the day would bring... that the tears are slow and steady to run down my cheeks.

Maybe they're left over from last night, maybe it's the pride I feel in how well she did today... maybe it's just that little tiny tugging at my heart knowing that my baby is slowly but surely growing up. even if only 120 minutes at a time.

House of Mirrors

so I'm guessing that in every parent's life, there comes a time when you can no longer avoid the realization that EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) you do will be repeated, either verbally or physically, by your offspring. Sometimes this is a good thing... sometimes... well.. let's just say that Troy and I might need to start being careful of what and how we say things.


Little Miss Boogie-Pants is really taking a stronghold of this particular tactic lately. Evidence can be found every hour, on the hour, with a few bonus showings throughout the day.


Case-in-point.... overheard from the playroom:

"Baby! I said no more whining! Do you want to go to your room? ok, then no more whining!"



with her brother:

"I really love you, Moo-Moo, but playing with that is NOT a good idea."


in the food store around some other rowdy children:

"SETTLE DOWN!!! I REALLY can't think with all this noise, Mommy..."


while I'm folding laundry:

"you need to clean up, Momma, cause Daddy doesn't want to see this mess when he comes home."


and fresh off the presses... to ME, after the 3rd time I told her to wipe her hiney and get dressed:

"I'm GOING to wipe and get dressed!!! Now quit asking or you won't go outside today!"




I'm getting a sinking feeling that we might see a note or two coming home from her preschool teacher.

'Not so fresh' feeling

yeah... you KNOW it's gotta be *MY* luck that the one weekend that troy's working 15 hour days and can't come to church with us, that my darling boy takes the BIGGEST crap ever.

IN CHURCH.



at least it seemed very place-appropriate that I was praying just to get through the morning.

Newness

soooo.. with my post yesterday about the month closing and me discarding some habits (or at least trying to) it would only be fair for me to mention that September is bringing some newness to the world.


Today marks the anniversary of my dear friend Susie giving birth to her oldest son, Liam. so today.. Liam begins another year of life. I Heart Liam (yes.. with a big assed RED capital H) and on many levels I'm joking about how he and rhena need to get married.... but you KNOW that I'm also kinda serious. I love Liam, I love his momma, I love his daddy (in a 'you're the husband of my dear friend' kind of way), and I love his lil brother Seamus.. even though we haven't officially met yet. Rhena digs him, too, so there really is a chance we can get those two paired up... but even if my daughter turns out completely like me and will abandon all of her mother's wishes just to make a point of doing her own thing... I will still love me some Liam.

so happy birthday, Liam. I'm so proud of you for learning how to master the potty, for being so protective of the people and dogs you love the most, and for being thoughtful and sweet and charming and just knowing the right time to smile, period. keep being a good boy, ok?



and in other news... we're getting the house painted. no.. not the outside... the INSIDE. we're very excited about the new feel our home will have... and I'm just tickled cause it'll make cleaning up after vomiting bunco girls SO MUCH EASIER. but yeah. exciting.


I may even get off my ass (or I suppose this time it would mean SIT on my ass long enough at the computer) to do up a new blog template, too. cause it's fall, and september, and you know... newness. we'll see.


happy September, everyone.. and again.. happy birthday, Liam!

...and in the end...

SO here we are... it's the end of august.


This month was very special for me; I took a LOT of time to look within, and to take a hard look at my external activities as well. Turns out some stuff was matching up, and other stuff wasn't.


but hey.. life is about learning, right??


Things I've learned this month (in no particular order)

1 - you HAVE to pick your battles. One thing that 9 months of no sleep will do is make you realize that you need to be selective in where you spend your energy. I've intentionally let some balls drop this summer, and let some others bounce away in faith that if sent to the right direction, they will indeed bounce back when the time is right. metaphorically speaking, of course.... I really don't have that much balls... well, LITERALLY I don't. figuratively is a different story. but I digress.


2 - SOMETIMES when you ignore shit.. it goes away. SOMETIMES it gets worse. Whether talking about relationships or Danny's inability to sleep through the night, I definitely recognize now that I can't expect things to happen on their own. ok.. so maybe this is a tangent of picking your battles and applying energy, but I'm finally knuckling down and treating Danny's non-sleeping as an issue that deserves proper attention. either way.. the whole scenario leads me to another learning point, which is...

3 - You have to know when to ask for help. who knew?? turns out that when you actually get rid of preconceived notions of having been somewhere before and expectations of knowing how to do something, and just admit that you're fucking up and ASK for help... you can get it. or the walk....

holy motherfuckercrackerbags..... I GOT HELP!!!

shortly before my cousin Rachel's birthday, we hit 100% of the fundraising goal for the Breast Cancer walk I'm doing. and then we went past it. What a wonderful gift that was for me to 'give' to her. for YOU to give to her. and how appropriate that as she begins another year of her life, she can do so with the knowledge that SO MANY PEOPLE donated to a cause that believes that she CAN and WILL have many many more birthdays.


well... there's probably a lot more I learned, (like walking 3 miles on a hilly route with a 20 pound baby strapped to you and pulling a 28 pound 3 year old in a wagon is MUCH harder than it looks) but I'm not gonna divulge everything. Gotta play dumb on SOME stuff so the expectations aren't always too high, ya know?


but I must thank you all. for everyone that donated, for everyone that shared a kind thought.... thank you.

of COURSE... the battle is never over. Yes... we hit my fundraising goal, but there's many other walkers out there. So on the off chance that you DID want to contribute to me but didn't get a chance to yet.. please don't. please consider supporting one of the many other millions of walkers out there...

especially my girlfriend Denita... who is doing the Susan G Komen 3-day walk in Seattle

and

the lovely Hanni... who's doing the Komen Race for the Cure in Houston.



but seriously... to all of you who did SO MUCH.... thank you. And hey.. rest up; I'm going to be carrying you all in my heart every step of the way in October!

Not about the days anymore

so if any of you have clicked on my donation/walker page, you'll know that I talk about one percent a lot.


Today is no different.


Today, I'm making it a point to sit my ass down at this computer and say that I'm looking for one percent...


cause that's how far away we are from the fundraising goal.


as of right now, all monies raised/pledged total $1775 dollars.... just a mere $25 dollars short of my goal. Just a little over one percent.


I have gotten money from friends.. from family, from friends of friends and friends of family, and family of friends of family. yeah. talk about being appreciative. One of my friends made a donation even though her husband has been out of work for a month.

I will be DAMNED if I don't walk all 39.3 miles. How can I not???

For the generosity and the complete outpouring of support... I just can not imagine what I was thinking by possibly not doing the walk this year. seriously... it's at the point now that my involvement in the walk is bigger than me.

does that make sense?


It's pretty cool, to be honest.

and pretty frigging intimidating. I mean.. I walked 3 miles yesterday morning with danny strapped to my chest and pushing rhena in the steel box of a stroller we have... and I was huffin and a puffin. Granted it WAS like a trillion degrees outside, and Danny DOES resemble a large thawed turkey (20-pounder.. at least!!) so that made the walking a little harder... but phew!


let's just say it's a damn good thing I didn't have to do THAT walk 13 times yesterday. I would not have made it.

but like Rocky.... I'm getting stronger, and the walks... they keep getting longer. ok, so maybe only the getting stronger part was like rocky, but you know what I mean.


anyways.


$25 dollars to go.


wow.




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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Day 16 - two words

ok, things have been hectic in these parts: being in Illinois, coming back, detoxing the kids, and now my folks are here. I feel like a laundry mat, but the house is clean.





so.. until I can get a chance to sit and catch my breath.. I have 2 words:



NINETY PERCENT.





ok.. more is coming soon... I just had to share.



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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Day Eight - Middle of the Road

So I'm finally connected here at the inlaws. well, actually, I got connected a few days ago, but Troy has been monopolizing the laptop for work, and beings how he brings in the money that pays the bills... he gets the laptop by default.


but what a reflective past few days it's been.


So driving out here to the midwest really opened my eyes to what middle-america is really like. Not that I believed that everyone lives in their version of stepford, but you see enough cornfields and dilapidated barns and adult bookstores (with ARCADES!) right next to some holy roller evangelist churches with like 3 or 10 huge crosses out front to remind the adult book (and ARCADE!!!) buyers how sinly they are to kinda wake you up and realize that maybe John Cougar Mellencamp might have been a better penner of our national anthem?

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to cash in the home-owners-association-approved split-rail fences and move to this wonderland where roadside produce stands run on the honor system, and the locals bleed red, white, and blue.... no... I'd much rather hang with my house-puking bunco hens than Jeb and Cleetus and Sally Jo. But it's good to step out of my norm every now and then.

I think that's what the walk has been making me do, too. well, no... actually, I *KNOW* it's making me step out of my norm.

When it comes to pretty much most topics... I'm a middle of the roader. I like my ability to be able to see and argue both sides of pretty much anything. And perhaps this ability to view many angles prevents me from being very vocal about my beliefs. Strike that... we all know my ass is vocal about everything... I just mean that as much as I like to spout off about shit.. I'm not trying to change the world. I'm just an ego-centric girl from jersey who likes to talk to anyone who'll listen. But I'm not about to tell people they're wrong for what they think.


now again... This does not mean I'm failing to recognize my innate ability to roll my eyes and call people fat assed white trashed negligent pig farmers for the slightest infraction such as talking on a cell phone instead of minding their child.... yes. I AM judgemental. and I DO spout off about how stupid I think many many people are. but I do NOT claim that those folks are wrong for their stupidity. I just like to call it as I see it.. you know... without coming right out about who's right or wrong... though I'm sure if you've made it this far y'all know I'm always right....

but that's besides the point.

my REAL point is that doing this whole breast cancer walk is forcing me to step out of my middle-world-comfort-zone and champion a cause. you know... TELL people about it. and then tell MORE people about it. and then, of course... ask them to help me.

gah!! WHY is the last part so difficult???


Here, in my private audience of blinking coursers and faceless readers, I can say whatever the hell I want. and in my little bubble of never-rejected, I can pretend that the people that don't donate just might not know about the walk or my blog, or are already involved with a walk of their own. you know... middle-of-the-road. I'm doing my part by blogging about it.. but there's really no risk of rejection here. more than nothing, but definitely not commensurate of the effort I should be putting forth for something I feel so strongly about.


So the GOOD news is that (on the subject of middles) ... the donations have surpassed the 50% mark. I'm still beside myself. Really... when I think of how much has been put up so far by so many.. and so QUICKLY!!!! seriously... one week in and already halfway there!!!!

The bad news, or at least in my mind... is now is where the hard work begins. I have to step out of my comfort zone and really show my shit. well, not like show-me-your-shit-mardi-gras-style... but now is when I have to face the people I've sent e-mails to about the walk and ask them what they thought, being that they never responded.

But maybe that was a mistake I made. by sending the e-mail, I gave people an out. delete, delete, delete.... I can think that hotmail screwed up my outgoing message, and they can pretend they never saw it. avoid, avoid, avoid.

SO anyways.. my long and drawn out point is that I recognize I've been safely playing in the middle of the road, and like the chicken... it's time I crossed the road. I just hope that when I finally stick my neck out, that I don't choke.



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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Day Three - Rising Again

For once, I am not talking about Danny's inability to sleep through the night. (though, as 'luck' would have it.. he was up every hour on the hour last night.... gotta love that right before a big road trip!)


but I digress.


As a Catholic, one phrase that you always hear is "On the third day, He rose again..."


as I was getting my coffee ready today, I started thinking about what I would blog about. Third day, third day... I thought. instinctively, my mind kept finishing with "He rose again". must be the CCD teacher in me?

either way... the phrase "He rose again" got me thinking.


As a Catholic, I believe that we all rise again.. or at least our souls do... to some form of eternal glory or damnation. (or stagnation, cause I do believe in the idea of purgatory)

And while I know that this premise of an afterlife is not an idea shared by everyone, I can't help but think that it does provide some form of hope for women suffering from, or the loved ones of women suffering from Breast Cancer.

cause given the shit they go through... there's GOTTA be something better.


BUT... this isn't CCD class, so I'm not going to go into religious theories.

so to keep with the idea of rising again.... as of this morning, the donations keep coming in... and I'm SO PROUD to say that we're 43% towards our goal. FORTY THREE PERCENT!!! after TWO DAYS!!!!! This is truly phenomenal... plain and simple.


I'll be offline for a day or two; we're driving up to Illinois to see Troy's folks for a week.

While I'm gone... please take a look at the TRIBUTE BOOK on the Avon website.


if I ever had any doubt of spirits rising, seeing the memorial after memorial assures me that those souls are VERY much alive in the hearts and minds of those left behind.



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for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here: