Jeans... a loathing story

ok... in the past, I have spoken of my distaste for not only trying to find clothes that fit me properly... but moreso in particular... the jeans.


so... I bought a pair of jeans. I was at a neighbor's who was having one of those demonstration things, and this one was for clothes. I had tried on a pair of jeans which seemed pretty cute. except that they were a little too big and a bit too long. but that's ok! I just ordered them in the shorter length and one size smaller than the sample the woman had.

so I got my order the other day, and yesterday I wore the jeans. They seemed cute enough, but sure enough... after about an hour of having them on... I noticed they were falling down. subconsciously, I hiked them up. again and again.

sometime right before the kids' nap times is when it hit me.

I bought FUPA jeans.


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as a complete aside here, I'm going to assume you don't know what FUPA means. the fact that you DON'T know saddens me in many many ways, cause how can anyone know me and NOT know what a FUPA is?? but... for the sake of clarity, and in the spirit of us all being on the same page... a FUPA is a Fat Upper Pubic Area. Pubic, of course, being the non-gender specific term... most easily and commonly substituted for a crass P word for a women's girly bits, and Penis for men.

My first VIVID and disturbing memories of a FUPA in my face was my 12th grade English teacher. anyone that went to SWMHS knows who she is; she was the only FUPA-sporting advanced placement English teacher for like ALL of the 80's and 90's. but that's besides the point. the image is, and probably always WILL be.. burned in my brain.

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SO anyways.. harsh realization sets in. the jeans I just dropped a lot of troy's money on are, indeed... FUPA jeans.

people.. I DO NOT HAVE A FUPA!!!!


I have a bit of soft roll just below my belly button (oh, and expands around a little for the muffin-top effect on OTHER ill fitting jeans).. and I'm ok with its presence on my body cause.. well.. I've had 2 kids, I'm 35, I DON'T work out, and well... I like food!!! (which, btw.. another aside.. I DID go to the gym this morning, but I'll blog about that another time. thanks for the inspiration from everyone that gave it, though!)

and I have an ass. oh YES, baby's got BACK!! the bubble, the booty, the doopa (which for this post I shall choose to use, since it rhymes with FUPA)


I assure you, it is not easy buying jeans to fit my thick thighs, bulbous doopa, and mini-muffin waist, oh and yeah... can I get that in an ankle length?

I've tried the jean finder at zafu. and it wasn't BAD... but it wasn't great, either. My current favorite jean is the Curvy cut from the Gap... but the two pairs that I have in that style are not my size. well, one SORT of is, but I'm thinking I could go down a size cause 5 minutes after putting the smaller pair on, it looks like I have a load of crap in my pants.

actually.. I take that back. I've SEEN what having crap in your pants looks like (because of DANNY, people... seriously! snap out of it!) anyways.. when the moo-moo takes a poo-poo, it looks more like he's smuggling a baseball under his rump. which is VERY unlike what happens to the doopa of my jeans 5 minutes into the wear. no.. it's more like a turkey's neck. goiter is it? you know.. that saggy HANGING look.

so. not. pretty.

so yeah.. I could probably go down one size.. but afraid of what type of sausage my thighs will resemble if I do, or even worse.. to try them on and realize I DON'T need a smaller size. I mean.. we've all heard the saying how it's better to try and all that shit.. but honeys.. when it comes to jeans.. it's better to have a baggy pair and THINK you could go a size lower, than to actually GO for the lower size and get the bitch-slap of too-tight denial. in a dressing room the size of a chinese toilet, no less. nothing says "take your fat ass home and stop dreaming, chunky!!" like not being able to put on pants in public.

(side note.. I do know that dressing rooms aren't PUBLIC-public.. but if *I* can hear my ass sweating and panting trying to pull, yank, tuck and zip.. then I know the 16 year old stock girl can hear me, too. and so can the 20-something girl wearing a half shirt that I could SWEAR looks like what I thought I did about 10 years ago. sigh)

but I really really digress.

the fact remains.. I bought some FUPA jeans.

now.. unless I suddenly sprout a penis, have another baby, or I dunno... tuck my boobs into my pants... it looks like I'm gonna have to wait another 20 years for my entire top half of my body to bottom-out and hang about the playground for these jeans to be a perfect fit. and when THAT happens... should I even be WEARING jeans? thinking more like teflon body-suit to give the appearance of a firmer self. I shudder to even IMAGINE what my ass will look like at that point. but again.. digression.


so... what to do what to do. I mean.. you KNOW I'll still wear them, cause damnit, I spent money on them, and I'm too frugal to let shit like that go to waste!

I should start a community jean-exchange where women can trade their ill-fitting jeans for someone ELSE'S ill-fitters. any takers? I know I've got at least 2 drawers full of jeans to put in the trade pool.

oh well. maybe I'll meet an influential person in the fashion industry and I'll get them to create new sizing standards/warnings that include (in addition to size, Ankle, Regular, and Long descriptions)

FF - for FUPA-fit!
MH - for Muffin-Hider
TT - for Thick Thighs
NA - for No-Ass
W&F - for Wide and Flat Asses
3B - for Big Bubble Booty

and of course... there would have to be a

JFC -- Just for Carrie, that is. (hey... my blog!!!)


Feel free to add your own jean-codes. I'll be sure to pass them on to the fashion mogul that wants to be my friend and doesn't know it yet!



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