A Letter To My Body

There's a little exercise going on over at BlogHer. and despite screwing up the link back to this post to show that I participated.. well.. whatever. I did it. see below.

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Dear Body -

Although you and I have never had an 'official' conversation before, it goes without saying that we have shared some exchanges over the years. It's no secret that you've overheard the things I've said about you, felt the icy glares and sighs of disgust when our eyes have met in the mirror, and I know that in my heart of hearts you've sensed the jealousy in my blood when I've looked at other women. Despite TOO many of the 35 years we've been acquainted being filled with animosity... I want to see if I can break the cycle. I really feel compelled to make amends for past misgivings and hopefully lay a groundwork that will allow for a better future together.

I've had a chip on your shoulder for a long long time. As a child, I didn't think your skin was colorful enough. I WILL give you credit for being so resilient at such a young age. not once did you blister when I dipped your fingers into melted waxes of different colors. Not once did you cop an attitude and stay the shade I applied to you with various not-as-magic-as-I-hoped-they-would-be-markers. Whatever I burned, broke, or tore... you healed, fused, and or re-grew. you kept. coming. back. seriously, your nickname should be Terminator.

As a teenager, I loathed you, but didn't say as much because angst was fashionable. Over the years I have chided to all that would hear that your misgivings allowed me to be the one with the magnetic personality. But let's not lie anymore, shall we? I wanted to be the pretty one. I wanted to be the tall one. The exotic looking one. SURE... you got me compliments that ranged from 'cute' to "really cute"... but let's face it. CUTE SUCKS. I already had an older brother who was smarter and did everything perfect.. screw being CUTE! OH, how I just for once wanted to be the 'hot' one. so yeah.. this whole short and cute thing? didn't really help your case.

You stepped up your game in my early twenties when you started releasing blood from places that shouldn't bleed. And this whole if-I-eat-seafood-I'm gonna-shit-and-puke-til-I-end-up-in-a-hospital-(again!!) thing you pulled??? touche, my comrade!! You really had me there for a few years when I was having to take 5 pills a day just to eat like a normal person. Looking back, though.. I think you could only agree with me when I say that your power play only made me dislike you that much more.

But ours is a relationship much more complex than that, isn't it? We had our moments, and even I can admit that not all of them were bad. For starters, I know we agree on music. THANK YOU for all those nights. I may have never been hot, but the music got us close to being sexy. So thanks.

And you know.... props to you for the whole child-bearing thing. I don't know WHY, I don't know HOW.. but for all the shit I put in, on, and through you... you gave ME the two greatest gifts I could have ever imagined. you humble me. Now, I'm not saying that you made it EASY by any way shape or form to RECEIVE such gifts... but wow. you really hooked me up. talk about a guilt trip.

So as I write you this letter today, I can honestly say that I don't hate you any more. I recognize all that you have done for me over the years, and I would officially like to apologize for the abuse. I really do appreciate you, Body. I am SO MUCH because of you, and there is no doubt that I value you. I DO want you around for a lot longer, and hope you'll stay with me.

But... (oh c'mon... you knew there'd be a but!!) I hope you'll understand when I tell you that I still don't like you. I WANT to like you.. I really do. I'm TRYING to like you. But you know. you see it in my eyes. and I wish I could just use something cliche like "it's not you, it's me" and be done with it and live happily ever after, but it IS you and you ARE me... so yeah. not so happily ever after.

But I am trying. and I will continue to try to find ways to like you, however small they may be. So please; stay resilient. ignore my defeatist comments and my eye rolls and pinches and grabs and suck ins and lift-ups. Stay with me, ok? cause as long as there's music, there's hope for us.

with appreciation,
me


PS... you know.. you could REALLY up your standings by letting me eat some seafood. just saying!!!