Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Resurface

hey all.


so I'm a few days late with my "posting tomorrow" promise.


Things are fine here; just been busy.


First off; went and saw GI Joe yesterday. actually it's GI Mark. or was it Brian? either way.... the appointment was lengthy, as I have a lonnnnng history of stomach issues that we discussed. When all was said and done, I walked out of there with permission to take one of my current pills TWO times a day instead of one. (for those keeping track, that's about 10 pills a day I'm taking now)

oh well. I know there's a potential end in sight, or at least that's what I'm banking on. Some jackass said something to the effect the other day about how a woman they know STILL had problems with nausea after her baby was born, but before they could finish, my hands were over my ears and I was singing LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, ignoring whatever horrors they tried to tell me.

cause you know what? I ain't hearing it. I KNOW crazy shit happens all the time and people probably DO have long-term effects from pregnancy (other than children, that is).... but I'm just trying to get by right now, and do NOT need to hear about how things MIGHT or COULD be. I MIGHT be skinny again, too... but you don't see me planning on it. but I digress.


so yes. working towards November... pills in hands.... or in stomach, would be more appropriate, I guess.


In other news, I've begun wearing a pink band. My cousin Rachel sent me a bracelet in the mail the other day with a funny card. I forget how separately in tune we are at times. I had JUST been thinking last week that I want to buy some cancer-awareness band... or do SOMETHING that outwardly shows my support for her as she fights her battle, but I wasn't sure which one to get, as Rachel has cancer in more than just her breast. but not a day (maybe two?) after pondering that, I got a pink one from her in the mail.

SO. I'm wearing the band. currently around my ankle, cause it fits there nicely, but I imagine if I start to get the michelin-pregnancy bloat like many women do... I'll switch it to my wrist.

I thought I would talk today about my feelings about my cousin having cancer, but it turns out I can't. For quite a while now, I have been in a trance-like stupor (I suppose is the best description) and have been unable to fully articulate the depths of emotions and thoughts that I have that stem from a loved one going through what she's going through.

But then, I wonder... do I NEED TO? DO I really NEED to talk about how *I* feel? does it MATTER? I'm sure everyone has someone in their life that their heart is aching for in some way. and no matter the cause of suffering; be it addiction, cancer, death, infidelity, illness, infertility.. WHATEVER.... that does not make one suffering more 'worse' than another. Nor should one's heavy heart trump someone else's. at least that's what I think. I dunno.

and I guess that's what it boils down to. I don't know. I don't know how to properly express what's in my head and heart. I DON'T know how to be supportive enough for Rachel.

And let's face it... I'm no Johnny Cash. I'm not the man in black, and I lack the ability to write a song about why I do the things I do. shit.. I lack the ability to even BLOG about the things I do half the time!!!


BUT... I am a girl with a pink band. and that band has more than a reason or cause behind it... it has my heart behind it.


and JUST because I'm having a hard time closing this post; which is odd, because it's not like it's actually going anywhere.... I'm going to copy a poem by e e cummings that I read recently in the book "In Her Shoes"....


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)




love you, Rachie.....

7 comments:

Christi said...

That was sweet. Not really sure what else to say.

Do you think it's messed up that I clilcked on the Johnny Cash link you have, and was shocked to find that it was not, in fact, Joaquin Phoenix?

Jodes said...

carrie- what a nice way of showing support. and that is one of my all-time favorite poems. love you.

susie said...

I think what you feel comes through quite clearly. The art in your words means you don't have to spell it out. I heart you and pray for those you love.

greekchickie said...

I hope you quit barfing, chick.

And I hope your cousin endures this time...

M~

Kelli said...

Your cousin is in my prayers, Carrie. That was a beautiful post.

holy chaos said...

Hey carrie,
that was a beautiful post. i'll br praying for your cousin.

Natalie

Jewl said...

Feel better soon chicky... Your Tummy and your heart.