Half way from the middle

I've been thinking a lot lately about the term "halfway" and "middle".


It all started last week when I hit the halfway mark for this pregnancy. I realized, that despite my 'nosey' characteristics and deft ability to socially be in the middle of things.... I'm really not all that comfortable there.



sure... a lot of people may find comfort being smack dab in the middle, or find the halfway point of things to be refreshing. to them it marks a significant completion, and and a logical point to take a break.

me? not so much.


I may not exactly be claustrophobic, but I have a hard time being right in the very middle. I personally LIKE to be able to see either where I came from or where I'm going, but only like to focus on one at a time.

not quite the adventurous gal I used to be in my 20's... I know for certain the 'edge' is not for me. I have too much going on in my life to be risky and be 100% extreme about things... yet again... I have too much going on in my life to be completely PASSIVE about things and NOT take at least SOME action.


Perhaps I feel most comfortable in the 15 - 35% and 65-85% zones. Like 10 percent completed with something or only 10 percent LEFT to do... pshaw... the shit may as well still be on the drawing board or in the bank. but the 15-35 zone seems as if there's enough there to really be recognized as effort, and the 65-85 zone still leaves room for change, and reminds us clearly that it ain't over yet.



I've thought and thought about this, and I realized that I really do feel this way about pretty much EVERY aspect of life. driving somewhere, my feelings towards political issues, cooking and/or eating a meal, vacation, this pregnancy, hell.. even the years I spend on this planet. I truly am most 'alive' (or functional, energized, empassioned, happy?) at the quarter-marks.


Now that's not to take away from the merits of beginnings. Beginnings are EXCITING!! full of POSSIBILITIES!!! but they're also typically lacking in structure, have TOO many questions unanswered, and are just not solid enough for my likings.

And endings sure can be great. I don't know a soul alive who doesn't appreciate closure or accomplishment. But meh! once it's done, it's done, gang. and while that is oh-so-appealing when thinking of laundry, going to the dentist, and changing one of rhena's stink-bomb diapers.... it most cases it signifies that the journey is over. The path has been chosen and you have no more freedom. It's absolute... it's final.

True middles represent biding time and or major work to me. nothing to see here, folks.. just keep it moving. no light at either side of the tunnel... just plodding along until your next mile-marker.


oh well. I'm smack dab in the middle of this pregnancy lately... and that's probably why I've been thinking. the 'newness' has worn off... (and thankfully it would seem the puking has started to wear off as well!) and it just feels like I have a LONNNNNNNG way to go before sweet child o mine makes his or her arrival. Believe me.. I'm HAPPY to be here, and to know the child within is healthy and has survived the journey thus far.. just feels like I'm kinda spinning my wheels at this point.... and would perhaps rather be about another 10 weeks along. or maybe 5 weeks less. no.. strike that... I've been puking too much with this kid.. I'll go for the FURTHER along. besides.. I am kinda looking forward to meeting this kid.


scared SHITLESS of that last leg of the journey ( when will my water break? WILL my water break? Will I be allowed to go into labor on my own, or will some doctor prescribe my child's birthday? will my cervix actually dilate this time? will I have to have another c-section, or worse.. is this child gonna come tearing out of my CROTCH??? holy mother fucker... will I get the same amount of DRUGS as I did with Rhena?????)


so yeah. looking forward to meeting the next player on team Cze-Johnson... but... uh... I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to thinking about what has to be DONE to meet said child.


but whatever. I have plenty of time to obsess about the delivery. and that seems like a distant dream anyway. After all.. I am only half way there.