Friday, November 17, 2006

A word from our Sponsor

hello world.

it's me, the baby. no... I'm not really typing this, but I probably could, based on how gestationally old I am already.

I wanted to tell you a few things about how shit's rolling here in the womb, so you can understand why I really haven't fealt like coming out.

first of all... it's nice and warm in here. I keep hearing mommy talk about a cold front coming through outside (supposed to get into the 50's in the next few days) so I'm in no hurry to deal with that. in here, it's all summer, all the time. me likes the balmy weather, ya dig?

Second..... I am WELL FED in here. I've been getting a constant stream of chocolate flavored fluid for the past 9 months (give or take a week and a half) and lemmee tell you... its GOOD!!!! I keep hearing mumble jumble about stuff called MILK... but unless it's brown and served with banana bread, over ice cream, or helping me wash down these things called BROWNIES I keep hearing about... I'll take what's on the menu in here.

Also, I don't know if mommy mentioned this yet, but by the sound of things, I'm a pretty big baby. (about 8 pounds 12 ounces??) Now, I'm no doctor, but if any of you have seen a woman's tidget before... they're not too big. Well.. at least mommy's isn't from what I can see from in here. Now... for all of YOU trying to imagine what *I'm* being expected to do.. I want you to run out to your nearest golf course and try to ram your head into the nineth hole. IF you can get your head through without looking like a conehead... go on ahead and see if the rest of your body fits through to the other side, will ya? then get back to me and let me know how you did it, cause the other day I was hanging out in here and some doctor lady with gloves was knocking on my door, and could barely fit her finger through my door. people.. lemme tell you.. until I see some decent sun light, I ain't goin NOWHERE.

now with all you folks out there encouraging mommy to try castor oil or sex.... shut the hell up, will you???? the idea of my mom and dad having sex TOTALLY grosses me out... and ewwww.... being right THERE for it? SICK! Also.. that crapping thing sounds like a bad idea. Mom may be a woman, but she ain't no lady when it comes to the hind quarters, if you get my drift. also, I've been kept awake for probably at least 6 months worth of hours during my stay here listening to her intestines. they're a very mean place, and I've done my best not to piss them off while I'm here. Rumor on the inside here is that they are very violent, and given the 31 weeks of puking I witnessed.... let's not stir the pot, ok?

anyways.. that's about all for now. I'm comfortable, and know I have a ride set for Tuesday. If things start to suck in here, I promise I'll come out sooner, but in the meantime... just cheer for Michigan against Ohio tomorrow. Thought it would be nice for Daddy to be in a good mood, too.

peace out, and see you on the flip side, gang...

The One Within


Kari said...

LOL I love this post. It seems as though the one with in is wise beyond their gestational months.

Can't say I blame the little one, I mean would you want to come out? Yeah it might be a little cramped up in there but life has got to be pretty damn good.

Best of luck that the one with in is just as content once they're the one on the flip side.

Laina said...

LOL, I don't know what to say, the One Within is pretty convincing. Especially about sticking my head down the ninth hole, that's too funny.

FINY said...

The One Within is effing hillarious. The golf course thing KILLED me.

Christi said...

So you're saying I shouldn't drop my bottle of castor oil in the mail for you?

greekchickie said...

If your kid has your humor, we should ALL be glad!


holy chaos said...


suser said...

Cheeky little one, aren'tcha!? I'll give you another reason to come out - Christmas. Santa. Your a kid, that shit should work.

See you Tuesday, little bean.

(PS I think your doc is full of crap about the weight. NO WAY.)

gina said...

so tues then???

Mom of Three said...

I heard that Mary Queen of Scots or one of those Marys was pregnant for, like, two years or something.

One bonus: It's not the middle of a heat wave!!!! (My last was born on 6.28).