Thursday, November 30, 2006

what a week

dear internet....

sorry I haven't been around lately. turns out being a parent of two kids is harder than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong... I'm enjoying the hell out of my babies.... it's just... well.... it's a little exhausting.

My hormones have been in high gear, so take everything you read here with a grain of salt.

this past week has been very busy. there have been many firsts, with highlights including being peed on by Master Daniel, and the very next day being the target of a jet-stream of mustard-colored clotted cream from my darling boy's ass.

I experienced my first emotional breakdown on Saturday (a whole week earlier than it took me to break down with rhena!) and I also had my first post-partum poop.

There have been very very dark moments when I sincerely doubted my ability to survive the day, much less the next 18+ years.

I weeped with sorrow that Danny and Rhena were getting royally screwed with my parenting skills, cause how in hell am I going to balance my time between two children and basic personal hygeine?

There have been times during this past week that I wanted to divorce troy, others still that I wanted to cause him bodily harm. Those moments were fleeting, though, and definitely outnumbered by the times I wondered how everyone else in the world is surviving without Troy as their husband.

my breasts have become freakishly large. and scabbed, and yeah.. every time Danny's nursing, it feels like someone is trying to staple my nipple to sandpaper. over and over and over again.

I fought back tears as I said goodbye to my parents on monday morning. but inside I was scared. scared of how in hell I was going to manage without their safety net. scared.... but ready.

I have become obsessed with my weight and size of my stomach. not healthy, I know, but I can't help it. I'm not going to starve myself or anything, because let's face it.. I'm constantly hungry and I love food way too much. I do know I need to stop being so hard on myself. it's only been 9 days, I know.... but still. my stomach is distracting.

but not all is doom and gloom. There have been moments of pure bliss this past week, too. holding both of my children and knowing there is nothing but pure love in my arms is something I try to do several times a day.

Hearing Danny's quiet wheeze as he sleeps next to me has got to be close to what heaven sounds like. but I could be biased.

friends, family and neighbors have been SO generous. there has been a steady arrival of gifts, both large and small. we as a family feel very loved. I as an individual feel beyond blessed.

and I HAVE managed to shower every day. I may not be sleeping much, but at least I feel clean.

anyways. there you have it. sort of. I'm giving myself another week or two before I expect the fog to clear slightly and I swear pictures are coming.


Jewl said...

Every mother fully understands what you are going through. At least this isn't your first time and you know what to expect. Your horomones will balance out and you will start to fell semi-normal again chicky... Just take things one moment at a time, that is all you can do!!
Give your body time to heal woman!! You didn't grow a little boy over night and your body didn't get that way over night... don't expect too much of yourself. You will get back to your sexy little self!! :)
One of these days you will wake up and things will look better and be better. You just have to give yourself time to get on a schedule and adjust to being a mother of two. It will come in time!! And most of all, don't be afraid to ask for help!! Remember that chicky!!
I want some more pictures!! You know, because you have all this extra time... LOL
Hugs to you!!

ZuphChic said...

I think this is my favorite post of yours of ALL TIME! The good, the bad,...and the lovely...

Christi said...

I hear my little one rattling this can't take long...

I just wanted to say I'm so glad to hear you say that it isn't easy for you. I mean, I realize that it isn't easy for any mom, especially w/more than one, but to hear someone else say it in the midst of it all makes me feel SOOOOO much better!