Thursday, September 29, 2005

SO you see... it's like this

So recently, I've been down in the dumps. unable to post. poopy. at a loss for words.

Lots of ways to describe it, but the bottom line was that lately I"ve really been in a personal void. I think I kinda shut down as a means of protection... at least that's what I think I did.

You see readers, recently, someone very near and dear to me admitted to me as well as themself that they have a drinking problem. I say 'they' because it really doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman. The point is that they have a problem, and it needs to be fixed.

And who it is really is immaterial at this point, because I love this person, and the fact that they are hurting hurts me. it also Hurts me to no end that I can't help this person. I mean, sure... there's the support factor... I get that.... but I CAN'T FIX THEM.

I'm sad for not noticing or doing anything sooner. I'm doubly sad for having had drinks with this person. Did I make their situation worse? Was I an enabler? Why has it taken this long? Could I have done something different?

Readers... I assure you I'm not looking for the answers to these questions. I know what they are, and I accept them. It's actually harder accepting that I'm asking these questions in the first place, never mind what the actual answers are.

But alas... as quick as the ink was dry on the above answers... new questions surfaced. And they're ugly questions. They're selfish questions. How is this going to affect me? Am I still allowed to drink around this person? I mean... I wouldn't think about it now... but are we talking NEVER? How will this affect our relationship? Like I said... ugly, selfish questions.

And don't get me wrong... I'm completely engulfed in an urgency to devote myself to supporting this person however they may need me... but at night... those fucking monsters whisper my thoughts out loud and the selfishness shames me.

I imagine there's books out there that state certain stages of the healing process.... hurt, shock, remorse, anger, shame, forgiveness.... or something of the like. So I know I'm just going through the process of working through the situation with this person... but that doesn't make it any easier. My sharp memory of each of these emotions (hurt, shock, remorse, anger and shame) is providing the greatest challenge for the last step... forgiveness.

I HAVE forgiven the person with the drinking problem... but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the feelings I've been having. Those selfish, ugly feelings. And again... I beg you to spare me the comments where you tell me my feelings are natural. I know they are... I really do. I don't have to like them though.

I don't like that my trust in this person has been shattered. I hate the awkwardness. and I'm dreading the first time I'm with this person in a social setting where others are drinking. Will they crack?

Surely time will tell, and as more time goes by, my thoughts will change and my selfishness will stop. I'm excited and scared for the new relationship that will evolve with the person. I wonder if they will like me as much. I wonder if I will like THEM as much. I'm positive I will, with no question, love this person equally... if not MORE out of respect for them facing and tackling (and BEATING) such a consuming issue.... I only hope they will be able to say the same of me.


Susie said...

Fight the good fight, Carrie. And know that others are behind you.

Christi said...

You know, a while back, a good friend had a baby, who died seven hours later. I was devastated. What was worse, though, was that I was seven months pregnant at the time. I was really upset for her, and, like you, hurt b/c she was hurt. However, it didn't take long for me to start wondering if I could talk to her about my pregnancy, my new baby (when she came), and whether or not I could even be openly joyous about the new baby in her presence or let her see her. However, my avoiding living my own life was not and still is not helping her deal with her demons. Like you, I offer support whenever she needs it, but other than that, I can't do anything else. I hate that, but she understands and prefers me to treat her like a normal human being and friend as opposed to someone who needs to be treated in a special way b/c of her misfortune. All that would do is remind her over and over about her loss. I slacked off on the baby talk for a while, and I could see you avoiding drinking around said person for a while, but you gotta live your life, and I'm quite sure that person will understand and respect you for that. Is that all stuff you didn't want me to say?

CheekyMoo said...

We are all behind you Carrie. First of all I love the new look. Wonderful and perfect. Second of all, if you need anything I'm here. You're a strong woman and can get through anything.

greekchickie said...

We are always hardest on ourselves more than anyone else in the world.

I sure hope this person gets the help they need to tackle their own monster. Sounds like they have a battle on their hands.

I wish them & you the best...


Kate said...

Carrie - trying to be witty - bit failing .... all I will say is - we are all behind you... you know who we are!


dnyduck said...

Hey know where I am with this very situation in my own life. In and step-mom are coming down from the armpit to visit on Tuesday and Wednesday before heading off with my God-parents to a frat reunion, which I'm not too thrilled about, but what can you do.

If you ever want to talk just give me a call....or like I said in my email, I have free long distance, so I will call you, just let me know when.

Chicago is just a few weeks away! OMG!!! I'm FINALLY gonna meet you in person. We only lived a few hours away and it takes our girls weekend to Chicago to finally meet! Go figure.

Anyway, Chicago is just a few weeks away and you and I can get stupid drunk (and then do some drunk calling) and try to forget about this for one weekend.

Love ya babe! Hugs to the booger.