If My Friends Could See Me Now

...somehow I'm thinking they wouldn't be so jealous.



Yeah.... life is going on as normal here in Johnson-ville... normal, except for the pooper's pooper.

yes... I DO realize I talk an awful lot about my daughter's ass, and her ability to or NOT TO poop regularly.... but I never promised great literary works here, folks.... I mean, for Christ's sake... I like disco music... what are you expecting????

so yeah... we're going on day four with no signs of a bowel biscuit in sight.


This disturbs me greatly... as I see what I'm feeding her, and I'm wondering where it's hiding, and worse... what it's finally going to look like when her pipes start working again.


People... we're talking broccoli and cheese soup, we're talking creamed spinach and yogurt and peas and more yogurt and meat sticks and like 80 grapes (roughly 20 a day?) and custard and chicken and milk and apple juice and more yogurt and chicken and ham and tomatoes.... and on and on.

I shit you not.... or rather Rhena not shits you??? whatever... no matter how you say it...it ain't gonna be pretty when it comes out.


so I wait.


I gave her some veggie laxative drops this morning... they take from 6-12 hours to work.... if they don't produce the juice by tomorrow morning, we're calling in the bulb-style-stick-it-up-her-hiney stuff. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS.


we had to use them once in michigan, cause by then she was up to 6 days or something.... and it was horrifying for me. Rhena didn't care for it either, but uggg... it's just not a fun thing to do. I wonder if Roto-Rooter would come in and do it for me... they do house calls, no?


anyways... so praying for these drops to work. in the meantime... we're just here working on differentiating between HAPPY screams and SAD screams and TIRED screams and I HAVE TO POOP ALREADY CAUSE IT'S BEEN FOUR DAYS screams, and HUNGRY screams.


are you noticing a pattern?


yeah. enter the SCREAM phase.

Remember that old commercial for MTV or something, like when they still played videos and stuff?? It said something along the lines of "if it's too loud, you're too old".... 'member that? yeah. well ding fucking ding... I guess I'm too old, cause my child is DEFINITELY too loud.

But that's fine.... I'm cool with this..... albeit slightly TONE DEAF, but definitely cool with it.


I'm cool with it because this IS the life I chose. I mean... I'm cool with it, cause I kinda HAVE to be... but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was having fun, too. Sure... I don't go out on a friday night in the city and get to talk my way into clubs and steal rocks from Bungalow 8 and nor do I actually have a clue where Cain is.... but I think there's a flip side to everything.


I get to hear the stories of the fabulous lush-life without killing myself in heels, and my friends can hear the joys of motherhood minus the screaming.

well.. minus Rhena's screaming. sometimes they hear a little of my screaming.... but only in short quantities.






today's title brought to you by Linda Clifford