Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Dear Victoria's Secret

To Whom it may concern-

thank you so much for sending me your recent swimsuit catalogue. You must have heard that I have lost a lot of weight recently and thought I might be interested in resuming my purchasing habits from your company.

While I appreciate the regard you have for my purchase power, I assure you that someone made a critical error when including me in the distribution list.

Perhaps you did not get the memo.


Kids that like to be carried, that like to pull and tug and grab on to just about anything attached to me so that they may get a better position somewhere within a half-inch of my body.

your teeny-tiny suits showcased on the teeny-tiny models are indeed NICE... but pretty fucking impractical for my life. perhaps some day, in some alternate universe, where I, too, can stand alone with beach tousled hair ... not a soul to be seen near me pawing at me for some form of snack... I may just purchase one of your patches of fabric. I mean swimsuits.

oh... and the jeans on page 60? yes.. I do have an ass that could rock them bitches. but alas.. I have to do silly things like MOVE and BEND OVER and I dunno... WALK!!!!

so no thanks.

I don't think I'll be ordering anything today.


Marianna said...

LOL oh girl, you've just summed up how I feel about that stupid catalog!


Christi said...

We went swimming yesterday, and I was so jealous of Trey b/c our little ones couldn't grab his bathing suit straps and pull them down, letting the whole world see his boobs...only b/c he didn't have anything on the top, but still! Yeah, anything less than full body covering with extra is not enough!

Christie said...

My letter would go something like this:

Dear VS,

It is no secret I can no longer fit into your clothes and that my droopy boobs are best placed in nursing bras that afford my child easy access to nourishment.

Please stop sending your catalog to my address every week. We're currently co-sleeping with our baby. The idea of a sex life goes out the window every time we hop into bed to find our kid already asleep in it.