Thursday, October 06, 2005

The jean gene

yeah.... so let me introduce you to one of the few things in this world that can make you break into a sweat, cry, feel comfortable, sexy, dressed to kill or get some work done. They can also make you smile allllll over when you have the right ones, and make you spend a lot of energy trying to get into another pair... be it a different size or someone else's.

They are jeans.

Now, I could depict in detail my personal love-hate relationship I have with denim, but I imagine that if you're a woman reader... you have one of these relationships of your very own.

Guys.... well, I imagine that as long as your balls are comfortable, you really don't care how jeans fit..... but I assure you... my quest for he perfect jeans is somewhat akin to that of finding the Holy Grail.

I mean... seriously... Three cheers to my juicy ass. I DO love that I have curves. It's NICE that in certain cultures (new jersey, my husband, and half the ghettos in the United States, to name a few) an ass of my stature is actually revered. Songs have been made about asses like mine. but alas.... I still fall short in my quest for jeans.

Sure.. there's the 'curvy' styles, and I could always sell out and drop $70 on a pair of JLos... but I could also vomit incessantly as I sport some bling and insist that I'm just 'Carrie from the Block'... other words..... no.

so yeah... my challenge has been to find a pair of jeans that will withstand my mountainous rear, click back in to my waistline so I don't have a five-inch gaping hole above the crack of my ass, oh, and can I get a pair that I DON'T have to wear platforms in? And while I'm asking... do you think we can get the Gap or Express or Nordstrom's to watch (read "entertain, sedate and pacify because when I'm jean-shopping she strangely resembles a demon-child") Rhena for me so I can sweat and grunt and cry (either usual sadness or for just once tears of joy) by MYSELF without a stroller taking up 9/10ths of the dressing room? maybe????

As luck was having it today... I actually swooped into Express (second home for girls-with-asses, BTW) and snagged a pair of jeans that were on sale for $29.50. not bad, considering ticket price was $59.50. I didn't dare to try them on in the store... not only did I have Rhena with me, but even more horrifying... another mom. ....Not that I didn't think she's proffer the standard cosmiseration that all women share while shopping for jeans... but did I really want to risk having a nervous breakdown in front of her??? sorry... but I actually want to KEEP her as a friend for at least a year before I go scaring her like that.

So I swooped, I snagged, and the purchase was bagged. came home, put rhena down for a nap, and did some stretching exercises before I engaged in battle.

The end result was that the jeans fit ok. I could button them.... BONUS..... and more importantly, I got them up over the bubble some people refer to as my ass. No sweat was broken... so I thought.... eh. I'll keep them. GRANTED..... if I do so much as MOVE or THINK about moving, the crack of my ass will come shooting out like a drunk sorority girl on spring break... but hey....for thirty bucks???? I'll just wear a longer shirt.


greekchickie said...

Ok, I gotta ask ~ am I the only one having problems again trying to open up your blog? It just hangs & hangs... I close it out & go back into it a few times before it finally opens up. Is it just me?!

I have a love/hate relationship with my jeans. Seems right now, I hate them. And I can't find a pair that actually fits right. I don't want them hanging 1/2 off my ass, thankyouverymuch. There's no need for the world to see undies!

I am just not built to show off crack!



Carrie said...

I dunno... I was having some problems this morning, too. but that's the first time it was acting up for me.

it seems to be working ok now, though? stupid blogger!

Laina said...

I totally could have written your post! I've got a ghettofab ass myself, so I know how hard it is. AND my pants are always too long. BTW, don't know if you have one there, but my local PacSun had cords BOGO free. Not jeans exactly, but a good wintertime substitute. And they carry a SHORT length, which made my heart go pitter pat, believe you me!

jodes said...

carrie-bo-berrie- as a fellow shorty with what my husband fondly refers to as a 'perky' ass can i suggest :

carlotta fun said...

I have finally made friends with my ass. 100 lbs ago you could've put a your beer, a bowl of mixed nuts and the remote on top of it. Now it's much smaller but still there all round and screaming for attention. Me and my ghetto-booty are finding that jeans are not created equal. Anything that fits slim through the hips and thighs is a no go. And just when I find a pair of jeans I love, I wear them for 4-6 months then they're too big so it a vicious cycle. Finally I can fit my ass into clothes not made specifically for the "Big Girls". So now my new favorite jeans came from Old Navy. They're cheap, not too low waisted but not grandmotherly, make me look thinner and make me look taller (okay I look taller because I have to wear heels with them but still). So you might want to check the Navy.

Susie said...

I've got the bubble butt too... hmmmm kayyyyyyy? Embrace it!! Well not mine - yours! I like Old Navy Just below waist jeans. Not too high and not too low. And the perfect resting place for my postpartum gut. Oh... I can't call it postpartum after a year, can I?

Chicken Little said...

I buy the "I just give up" jeans. Baggy fit everywhere, with an elastic waist. They come mail-order, so I don't have to fight the dressing room. OK, I look like something the cat dragged in, but I didn't have to try them on in the store!

Lil Country said...

Hey girl! First off, love the post. I used to ask my mom when trying on jeans, "Hey, what am I supposed to do with the top half of my ass?" You know the "baby fat" that we hold on to otherwise sometimes knows as the post ass,ass. Try aeropostale! They have a nice mid-rise jean with enough room for the trunk junk and they fit around the waist!
Also, I emailed u my # for when you come this way, just let me know when!