Define "lonely"

So like pretty much every Sunday, I went to church today. the priest that gave the homily was very passionate about this Lenten (lentan?) season. there was much talk of the devil, temptation, and all the fun stuff stuff that makes Catholicism fun.

then later rhena and I went to the mall with my friend... had a bunch of birthday gifts to purchase. but that's all immaterial. in round about ways, today shaped my thoughts for this blog, but nothing is directly linked. lost yet?

my thought is this, on this eve of valentine's day.... my thought is of loneliness.

I was kavetching to my on-line friends the other day because they were all saying what wonderful and fabulous plans they had or wanted to have with their husbands on this valentine's day. why the kavetch? well--- as only a true gigalo in david lee roth formation could say....



IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII....... ain't got nooooooooooooooooobody!




not necessarily ALL true, but for tomorrow, I stand valentineless. I mean, sure, I have Troy and all, but he's in NC, so I don't really count that. and I don't count Rhena... kids by default are their parents' valentines. I mean... hell, I'd be pretty sweet on whoever was changing my diaper and feeding me, too! but again... I don't count her. so you know what I mean. for the basis of my blog here, work with me and understand that it got me thinking about alone-ness.


I think that everyone, no matter what state of life they're in, suffers from *some* form of loneliness, solitude, or incompletion... whatever you want to call it.

My one girlfriend has been down in the dumps because she doesn't have a boyfriend. She is really upset about it, too. not slash-the-wrists upset or anything, but.... her lacking of a 'beau' has shifted her focus away from the beautiful, witty, intelligent, loyal, kind, funny, and caring woman that looks back at her in the mirror every day.

One of our mutual friends started dating a guy, but even SHE isn't happy cause she's not as attracted to the new guy as she was her old guy (rather, PREVIOUS guy... not sure of the age, but I know we ain't talkin geriatric.) Her--- I don't understand... being with someone that doesn't make you happy, just so you can say you're with someone?

although come to think of it--- I have another girlfriend that continues to date a guy she doesn't trust and always fight with. *sigh*

I guess where I'm going with this is that loneliness comes in all forms. there's the LACKING style... boo-hoo, troy's in north Carolina, my friend doesn't have a boyfriend.... then there's the have, but aren't happy style, like the two girls I just mentioned....


side note--- I find the 'have-but-not-happy' to be FAR more depressingly lonely than not having something at all.... at least when you don't have something, you can cling to visions of possibilities... when you have but aren't happy.... well... that's pretty much it. I mean... there you are.

and I know my subject is supposed to be loneliness, but this is my blog, so screw it--- I'm going on a tangent. I promise I'll bring it back.... just hang with me for a few minutes.

why do some people never let go?

I mean, you know the type that carries around resentment and anger and hurt??? they say they're fine, they're over it..... but scratch the surface, and whoa nelly, it just got ugly up in here? or worse---- people that are pissed about stuff and never tell the people that pissed them off in the first place?

I mean, I'm all for choosing your battles, but if you choose to not be confrontational, you need to realize that in addition to sucking up or biting tongue, you need to drop it and move on??? if you can 't do that, then you start to turn into one of those people that have things a certain way but don't like them. but in this situation, you've internalized everything, and it's turning you into a big blob of ..... well.... of SOMETHING.

ok-- I just realized I may not be able to get this truck back around again, so....

I think that people like that (big blobs) are deep down pretty lonely.

but then again... aren't we all?


I mean--- whether it's a soul mate, a child, a friend.... male or female... maybe even a pet. A missing relative, maybe even a parent. we're all looking for someone to fill 'that spot'. the spot our hearts ache to be filled. our souls hunger for..... something or someone that validates our existence, and gives us that inner peace.

As for me... eh--- I've got all that. well, at least in terms of husband, child, friends, relatives... I definitely have all of that.... but in terms of inner peace...... well---- that's another story. But I'm one of those bonafida cases of 'it's not you, it's me". it's true... all the external forces in my life are great, and I am SO HAPPY for what I have been blessed with.... yet.... inner peace I have not.

maybe I just need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. either way--- that's a whole other discussion... one that will be held when I am not missing Desperate Housewives.

Happy Valentine's Eve, kiddies. have some chocolate---- Lord knows *I'm* not having any!

XXOO