Thursday, October 19, 2006

Unknown soldier

I am a soldier in an unknown battle, folks.

I have been very anxious lately with the shit-storm of activity that's headed my way... yet I just don't know how to prepare for it.

On one hand, I DO know a baby WILL be coming out of me... and that baby's gonna be a small helpless little thing that's going to need a LOT of attention (and milk and diapers). I'm going to be getting very little.... if any.... sleep. It's not going to be easy. but I'll do it, and I'll manage, and one day I'll wake up and that baby will be a few months or a year old, and I will catch my breath. And I take comfort that I will have a husband by my side during all aforementioned struggles, cause that's just how we roll here in Johnsonville.

but that's about all I know.

will it be a boy or a girl? when will it come? will it be a vbac or will I need to get cut open again? will it be healthy?

and then there's Rhena. .....perhaps my biggest source of strife right now.

people. I LOVE me some Rhena. I mean love love love.... makes me cry I love her so much, LOVE my baby girl.

how is SHE going to handle this new baby?

better yet... how am *I* going to handle making sure Rhena is no less loved with another body in our house?

I mean.. I know deep down it'll all work out and Rhena will be fine, and the One Within should do fairly well as well... after all, *I* am a second born, and I feel loved by MY parents.....

but will I do as good a job? I dunno.

I think that at least I'm cognizant of Rhena needing to go through an adjustment period that it should help my cause.... (I say my cause but really I mean OUR cause, cause Troy and I are definitely in this shit together) But seriously.... if I hear ONE MORE story about how someone's first-born was sweet and loving until the second one came around... I may just stick with the puking and keep this one in me forever.

I know the stories come by way of well-meaning parents of more than one child, just like all the stories I was bombarded with while pregnant with my first. When I was preggo with Rhena, it was if anyone and everyone who had given birth or known someone who had given birth was compelled to give me some horror story or another about how shit would change, the woes of no sleep, and well.... pretty much EVERYTHING.

This time around, I must say that I have really been spared a lot of stories. Maybe because I think I've perfected my "seriously, bitch... do I LOOK like I want to hear about your life???" face... or maybe the general populous figured that if I didn't figure shit out the first time through, then I ought to suffer in my stupidity?

But there has been NO MERCY in terms of people predicting my future... or rather I should say RHENA'S future in the attitude department.

For the most part, I have smiled, nodded, and then immediately disposed of any unsolicited advice, because as you know.. or at least can guess... I'm pretty good at stressing myself out. I typically need no one's help in that department.

But my Rhena. my Rhena my little baby Rhena.

I don't want her stressed. and *I'M* stressed wondering how in hell I'm going to keep HER from stressing!!!

but again. I'm fighting a battle that doesn't exist yet... nor may it ever. But as real as my need for a decaf starbuck's maple macchiato is on a daily basis... this is an issue weighing heavy in my heart.

So chalk another up to hormones (cause seriously... I don't even use syrup on pancakes cause I think the shit is N-A-S-T-Y NAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTY, and I'm guzzling these macchiatos like it's MY JOB) but I can't help but feel worried about Rhena, and excited about the new baby, then guilty for the stress it might cause Rhena, then even GUILTIER that I'm not more excited about this amazing new character about to enter Johnsonville. Add in the dose of Irish Catholic, and well... I just need another fucking macchiato.... plain and simple.


Christi said...

Do try to calm yourself. I was the same way. I won't say everything was hunky dory, but it wasn't as bad as you think. I was worried I wouldn't be able to love the new baby, but I love her just the same, and in her own way. TJ has never gone w/o. I will admit that he suddenly needed a whole lot more attention, and that threw me for a loop, but overall he was cool w/the new kid, and she loves him to death (even now when he's trying to kill her!). Also, girls are supposedly better at this kinda thing than boys, so it should be even easier for you. It'll suck at first, but once you get in the rhythm of your daily lives, you'll forget you ever didn't have another child!

Hey, I was just another one of those people soliciting unsolicited advice, wasn't I? Oops! If it makes you feel any better, I'm a nervous wreck about this third one coming!

Kelli said...

I'm thinking of you...I know just how you feel. I have 4 months before this new little girl makes her way to my world, but I'm already worried about the little girl already IN it.
I'm here if you need to talk. Try not to'll handle it beautifully, as you always do.

Laina said...

I'm right there with ya, chica. Only I'm an only child and loved it, so I'm definitely feeling the guilt for not giving that to Sam on top of the usual worries about bringing a second kid into our home. I'm sure our big kids will be okay with not being the babies anymore, but there will be an adjustment period.

Wethyb said...

I don't have #2 yet, but I can imagine this will be how I feel. Just try to take some deep breaths, remember that you will have help and you'll do a fabulous job! Rhena will know she's loved and she'll adjust just fine. Big hugs honey!

suser said...

I think maybe you should stop thinking about the bad things that may happen and be excited FOR Rhena. She's seems pretty maternal for a 2 yr old. She's gonna love helping you. I have no doubt she will continue to be feel special by you and Troy. Think of all that Rhena love she has to give and think that she is geting a little person who is going to worship her and love her.

Just remember, the TWOs crap she pulls AFTER the baby comes isn't necessarily because of the is also all about being two.

Maria said...

Believe it or not, little obnoxious, pain-in-the-booty Anna, was WONDERFUL after Cassie was born. I had the exact same worries you do right now. I worried how she would handle a sibling (I mean c'mon, we know how this child is), and I worried about whether or not I could love another child as much as I did

She was just fine then, she and Cassie were fine when Rachel came along, and yes, I love all three with the same intensity that makes me never want to let them go. Well, I take that back. Anna gets kicked to the curb the second she turns 18.

You will be fine, and so will Rhena. You are a fantastic mom. Hang in there!

Laura said... know what? The situation will be what it will be, and you will all get through it just fine. Know why? Because you're good people. ;)

Elvis said...

From the absolute absence of estrogen dept.:

- You'll do fine.
- Rhena will treat Kid 2.0 as her new toy with built in batteries.
- Things will get "messy." "Messy" will become redefined, and you will deal with it.

In the scales of Life Alteration, you went through a "10" when Kid 1.0 came out. Kid 2.0 will produce at least a "7.5". On a lighter note, I found that Kid 3.0 barely scratched a "4", so consider it downhill from here.


holy chaos said...

i can totally understand!i was really freaking out before i had katie about the same issues, but everything is fine! and my sons who are 25 months apart are best friends and are now 14 and 16... E and H are 16 months and they were fine and still are when E isn't hormonal.

take it easy on yourself...i wish i had just relaxed and enjoyed the first two more rather than trying so hard to be super mom

Hänni said...

Aww feel better babe. Just think, the next time American Idol starts, you'll be old hat at the two kid thing :)

bridget said...

Hey Girl!

I cant totally relate, as I already have the same thoughts and I'm not even pregnant with #2 yet! You'll do great! And when you feel not so great, we'll be there to listen.

Love ya!

bridget said...

Uh ok, that was supposed to read, I CAN totally relate! oops!

Anonymous said...

carrie- your fears are understandable.. and warranted as any mother waiting for #2 worries endlessly about what will be.. The one within will come out and rhena will love every drop of him or her... she'll be your BIG little helper and you will have moments but overall It's going to WORK OUT! Have faith in who rhena is and how you helped her to become that person and how the 3 of you will (together) help this new little person become a happy part of your family... will there be stress? yes! but more of a whirling chaos that settles. I actually slept so much better once bella was out of me also.. think happy thoughts. You can do this. and remember Rhena is going to love this new baby.... yep some more of that horrible unsolicited advice.. hope it helps a little. -jessica