I love the Nightlife....

.... some days bedtime can't get here fast enough.


all day, I've been thinking about what to title this post... debating about something to do with Karma, and my ass being bitten..... touch on the irony of how I was just touting my "friday" mentality, yet today hit me like the worst monday hangover imaginable.


oh well... no matter. It is finally Bedtime in the Johnson house, and by this I mean my Poopy is asleep.

and now.... I breathe.


Today wasn't that bad, when you take out my exasperation of Rhena refusing to sleep. I keep telling myself that I need to remember that she is growing and changing at an exponential pace, and I must adjust her activities/day accordingly. This does not mean that I'm letting her call the shots.... it just means that I have to re-assess what I'm doing, and make appropriate changes. constantly.


and that's what's burning my craw, I think... the constantly changing thing. I mean, by nature I like things to be fresh and new.... I'm a hater of stale, for sure. But in uncharted territory... I cling to patterns like stink on shit. And once again... I find myself desperately wanting to create a form of normalcy in the chaos of motherhood.... and not doing a very good job of it.

But it's good. I bitch about how I miss work, and miss flexing my brain... but when the pot boils... I'm getting my share of flex here. With each successful Bedtime, I review my what went right and wrong in the day, and I set about imagining how I can make the next day smoother.


Overall, I find that the days I fight the hiccups and snags in 'my plans' are far more frustrating then the ones I just kinda go with the flow. So I know... DUH.... why not just be that way every day??? Probably because in my bi-polar brain, I crave control as much as I do spontaneity. and I suppose it's like having my own little mother-olympics... although no medals get awarded. Not that I WOULD win any medals, if indeed there were medals.... but just to compete in events like "Get more than 2 things done before lunch" and "Get through a whole day with no one crying" gives me a sense of purpose... if not adrenaline at the thought of accomplishment.


So each night... I'll make my plans for the next day.... tweaking and finessing so that I may just may get it right one time. As for the likelihood of getting it right... ....I doubt I ever will.... and deep down I'm ok with that.... cause even though Control-Freak Carrie will be bitching and moaning... Stale-Hater Carrie will be thriving, and enjoying what some folks call LIFE.