Sunday, November 20, 2005

Mating Season

yup... I said it.

out loud.


I was reading a friend's blog today (while furtively working on finishing my invites to the Christmas Social) and she casually mentioned something about not having very many girlfriends.

SO this, of course.. got me to thinking.

Mating, for people at least... can mean so much to so many different people.

I mean, for me personally... when it comes to mating....I think about when I need to dig out the spoils from my Victoria's Secret stash so I can lure my husband away from work long enough to try to impregnate me. Nooooo... we are not currently trying to get pregnant.... I'm just saying that that's what I think of when I hear the word mating. I think of getting knocked up. pure, unadulterated Discovery Channel stuff.... or maybe a little Animal Planet??? at the very least.... it's primal, it's quick, and we get the job done. Except with fancy panties, of course.

And for all intents and purposes, I'd say a lot of other people think that way too.... I know for a period of about 7 years, my brother and sister-in-law had some furvor to produce every two years or so.... and some other people are like that too... certain amount of time goes by, and tick tick tick... get er done!

Now, mentally stretching back to my single days, I remember this internal yearning I would get each late fall for some semblance of a relationship. Aaah... the holidays with a boyfriend... dare to dream! Well.... actually, come to think of it... I'm lying. I never had a yearning to be in a relationship. I mean, sure, every once in a while it would have been nice to have someone to cuddle up next to, but thinking back, I never really was into that whole relationship thing until a guy or two before troy. Good thing I met him when I did... any sooner, and I doubt we would have lasted a month.

but I digress. my point is that come the Holiday season, in the single world, I know it is common to want to settle down (hunker down??) with someone for the cold weather... then come the spring and summer... with the fresh cut grass and boys not wearing shirts while they play volleyball... well, relationships just seemed futile at that point of the year.

But now... as a mom barely surviving in the blueprint for Stepford.... I see another mating ritual that happens... and it seems quite opposite of the Singletons (thank you, Bridget Jones). It's a mom-mating season, and by my observations, I think the season is over. In the spring and early summer... mothers and children were EVERYWHERE. Each mom and child perfectly preened and able to do the Queen Elizabeth wave... on every block.. every street... every corner... (wait... not the CORNERS... that was my OLD neighborhood... we don't do corners here...) But you get the point.

Mothers and Fathers with their offspring were just about everywhere you looked, and seemed to be holding an invisible sign that whispered "be my friend".... And as much as I found it utterly charming of what a friendly neighborhood I was living in... I have to admit... it was kind of creepy. But now.... there is a change that hangs in the air. Our weekly playgroup rarely gets a percentage of the original participants... people don't "stop to chat" in the grocery store or on the sidewalk.... heads are down, and the walks have become brisk. Most notably... the waving has damn near stopped.

So this leads me to two theories. One is that people have found out I'm a raging bitch who doesn't hand wash her baseboards and wears clothes from Old Navy and Joyce Leslie instead of Ann Taylor and Neiman Marcus. Maybe someone told someone who told someone who heard it from someone that I don't wash my floors every week, and vacuum even less? Maybe there's a secret coalition out there to take away my pearls and banish me from Stepford????

Maybe. But maybe I'm onto something with the mating thing. I mean... this time of year is BUSY. B-U-S-Y buuuuuusy! I know *I* sure as hell don't want to stop and chat in the grocery store, and dragging rhena's ass to playgroup each week is increasingly difficult when I think of the Christmas shopping I could be getting done instead of watching somone else's two year old double fist doughnuts and break toys while they blow snot on pianos. Jeez... the more I think about it.. staying home with a severe head cold sounds better than playgroup some days!!

Maybe I'm sending off a signal that says "back the fuck off... I probably hate you"... but the thing is... I've DONE that before, and it doesn't work. Remember... I'm from Jersey... I've got that look down pat! But nope... southern folk eat that shit up.... must be all the BBQ they eat... I think they're something in BBQ that draws southern folk to bitchy notherners.

but whatever it is... I'm still putting my bets on the seasonal thing. which is pretty funny. I mean, not funny hah-hah.... but funny ironic in that in the midst of the Season that is supposed to be about goodwill and happy horseshit and glad tidings... this commune of happy that I live in is hunkering down and avoiding people like the flu.

oh well. I was thinking about wearing my pearls to playgroup this wednesday, just to test the waters.... but this week is already cancelled due to lack of interest.

Guess I'll take that time to go food shopping. I suppose it would be nice if I actually had something to cook on thanksgiving.

have a great weekend, gang!


CheekyMoo said...

Well we've been mating a lot in my house!! People always seem unfriendly this time of year though. Rudeness begins, lines are longer, kids whine more. It's the silly season, and people get crazy. Just have loads more sex. You'll feel better. I promise.

Susie said...

After the new year when the kids are climbing the walls and the house is closing in... those playgroups will explode again. Till then hunker down with your girl and teach her the northern way of giving seasons greetings that makes someone feel like dirt. :-)

Christi said...

I'll come be your friend! Well, you obviously already know my friend making problems!

It's funny that you talk about the bar-b-q in the South. When we lived in Charlotte, we could NEVER find bbq! Sonny's doesn't count...that stuff is NASTY! Come on down to Columbia, and I'll show you some bbq!

greekchickie said...


Don't even get me started on holidays without a mate... I'll start weeping.


Liza said...

LOL you and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel. Thats all i can think of now!

I'm glad to have Chris now, but I was like you, didn't really care about being in a relationship for the most part. Sure, it was nice at times, but it wasn't a priority to me.

Ugh, damn pistons.

gina said...

i personally love bitchy northerners! LOL but no bbq for this vegetarian! better recheck that theory.

Tee said...

I love, love, love what you've done with the place dahling... LOL. Seriously - really great template. So nice in here :)

I loved this post and you're so right on - don't worry - it's not just you or your neighborhood. People become so stressed and overwhelemed this time of year, they put the pleasantries aside.

I noticed in Wal-Mart yesterday (Oh, yes. I'm upscale)... I was in a GREAT mood. I mean one of those fantastic happy, can't wipe the stupid grin off your face for no reason type days. They holiday decorations are up, there's a nip in the air, etc... Well, I was smiling at everyone but most looked at me like I had alterior motives and tried not to make eye contact. Maybe they thought I had a red bucket and wanted a donation. It was really kind of sad.

As for actual mating. Ha! LOL. I am FER-TILE with a capital F. (What' that F for.... ****... ROFLMAO.) ... We didn't have to "try" for either kid... We've had to "try" to AVOID kids numbered 3,4,5,6..... LOL. If it weren't for the vasectomy I would so totally be looking like a Mormon about now.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that... Seinfeld... heh...)

Laura said...

Mating. mating here. We are in the same boat with Tee (and not that there's anything wrong with that...ha!).
And I'll have you know that the first week of school, there were like eight moms at the bus stop. I've been rejected-they all wait on a different corner now, so it's just me and the secret service guy every day. Not that I'm complaining.
I don't exactly fit the Stepford mold either. Not that I'm complaining.

Chief Slacker said...

It's turning cold, so what better thing is there to do to keep warm? ;O)

P.S. You ever going to put up the NEW badge? ;O)