Friday, December 15, 2006

Mirror Mirror

So I've noticed lately that I am NOWHERE in the same ballpark of looking at myself and seeing what other people see.

I think I have a decent grasp of who I am and what my capabilities are. I know I'm an attractive person with a normally great personality (hormonal breakdowns not withstanding). I know I'm not, nor will probably ever be one of those HOT MOMS you see on tv or in certain web circles. but again.. I do ok, and most days I would venture to say I'm not painful to look at, nor am I causing secret laughing fits of the general populous.

As a mom, I also feel I'm doing ok. Rhena is healthy and happy, and for the most part, a delightfully well-tempered and mild-mannered polite little girl. But then again, she's two, so that could change in a few years. As for Danny... well, I haven't dropped him yet, and I manage to keep up on his diaper changing, feedings and bathing.

As a wife... well.. let's just say Troy's been getting the short end of the stick lately. he does get dinner cooked every night and he has yet to run out of clean clothes to wear... and he'll get the occasional foot-rub as a bonus at the end of a long day... but that's about all.

but yet... I have to be honest and tell you I feel like I'm really falling short lately. I regularly find myself feeling unaccomplished and distracted, as well as frustrated for the lack of things I seem to not be getting done. plus my hardwoods are so disgustingly filthy it makes me cringe to think of it.

Again.. just being honest. I feel for the most part I'm doing OK...but ok has been feeling like a failure lately. Well, definitely at least not enough. So lately, when I have been communicating my feelings of failure to some friends, I am met with cheers of how great I'm doing and how I'm being too hard on myself.

So this makes me wonder.... am I REALLY being that unreasonable? I appreciate the sentiments my friends slather on me, and I understand that all support is well-intended. I do, after all, have wonderful, generous and supportive friends (both inside and out) and I would say it's just their loving nature that causes them to say what they do.

but in the same token.... back to me wondering.... have their standards dropped??? have their expectations or opinions of my capabilities been hampered such that me showering and leaving the house is REALLY a cause for celebration?

Perhaps no one wants to be the one picking on the post-partum chick... and I imagine fucking with a hormonally unstable woman probably isn't the best idea, so I can't really blame anyone for not giving me some tough love... but still.

In some probably sadistic way, I think maybe it would be nice to hear that yeah... I DID drop the ball majorly, and I DO need to step up my game a little. I mean... nobody gets better being told they're perfect all the time, right? not that I'm being told I'm perfect... but being told all the time how I'm exceeding all normal expectations isn't giving me any incentive to do better.

Granted, I fully recognize that if NO ONE was telling me I was doing a good job, I would still probably feel like an unaccomplished piece of shit... so perhaps this is a moot point.

i'm lucky to have the support network that I do, and appreciate the way my loved ones try to boost my morale and make me feel better about myself. But I also appreciate the girl in the mirror who isn't complacent just getting by every day. I just wish that the messages I've been getting from each lately weren't so opposite of one another.


susie said...

Sometimes I feel like you are looking in a funhouse mirror. Seeing shit all short and squat and distorted. I think your expectations of yourself are extremely high but--yes, only you can KNOW for sure if you are truly excelling, meeting requirements or falling short. I do know when you tell me ALL you've done in the short amount of time Danny has been alive, it intimidates me and makes ME feel inadequate. So that's my issues with myself. But seriously - you baked pies 5 days after major abdominal surgery...who can keep up? ;-) Also I guess once I pop this puppy out, I hope when I'm wiping drool (probably my own) and barely getting in the shower daily that someone tells me *I* am doing great. And maybe that's all anyone is hoping let you know they are amazed by all you do and to hope they can be so lucky to do half the shit you do daily and still not stink. Cause girl, my ass will NOT be making pies 5 days after my cut.

Christi said...

You have majorly dropped the ball...

There, is that what you wanted to hear? Yeah, not as wonderful as you thought, eh?

Really, though, I feel the same way. Check out my posts from when Cole was a few weeks old and you'll see just that. I get SO pissed everyday that I wake up and the house is a mess. Why can't I just buck up and put on a smiling face and get to work? Everyone has praised me for not killing my children as well, but it doesn't make me feel any better, either. I say, when your kid is finally sleeping through the night (or at least through most of it, and you get some decent sleep) THEN you better get your act together. If not then, then we'll call you a slacker and start snickering about you behind your back (or maybe in front of you...depends on the mood, ya know).

Laura said...

Carrie..yeah, you suck.

But so do I.

So does the bulk of the population.

You're in good company. :)

Just remember this...does it really matter? In the long run, does it matter that your floors needed to be washed on Monday 18Dec06? Nope. In the long run, what DOES matter is that your kids are going to remember you being a super cool mom who laughed, and cried and chose to spend time with them rather than worry about those nasty floors. Housework sucks. It's monotonous and tedious and I swear if I have to pick up the same toys off the living room floor one more time, I'm going to just throw everything in the trash!!! Don't even get me started on laundry. Whoever said staying at home and raising kids was easy is either hopped up on prozac or needs to have the crap kicked out of them. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Pfft.

You've got your priorities straight, kiddo. And you're doing a great job. Except for those floors.. Ha!!

Wethyb said...

I think we all feel that way after popping a baby out our you-know-where. Good lord, I mean I think people expect TOO much from post-partum moms. I'm sure you're doing great and don't be so hard on yourself. Danny's not very old and you're just getting back into the swing of things. You're doing great! And I agree with everything all 3 of the other gals said....

Now get into that kitchen and cook me something :)