Monday, September 06, 2004

How NOT to go into Labor

well--- here it is---- Labor Day. well, at least by what the calendar tells me, anyway. I know I'm sure as hell not having a baby today!

So.... in honor of me STILL not having this baby--- I thought I would compile a list of things to do to avoid going into labor.

Ironically, this list is also the same list of things I've been doing to try to coerce my unborn monster out of me.... but I think my direct relationship to the Murphy Lineage and assumed laws might have something to do with that.

but enough of that--- off we go!

1. Raspberry Tea.
ok--- I admit.... I've drank/drunk/whatever enough of the stuff to fill a bath tub. it makes me wonder if I should have just tried that in the beginning.... (filling the tub, that is...) maybe the raspberry soaking INTO my skin would have had a more direct effect on the womb? I do know that not one cup (nor two or three) has had an impact on me going into labor. It HAS upped my TP usage, though---- I pee like a banshee these days.

2. Packing My Suitcase
yeah--- this was probably the killer without me knowing it. I mean... what was I thinking???? getting P R E P A R E D for something in advance????? surely God laughs at me.... I know the suitcase did for a whole week before I finally put it in the car. Now I only hear it when I drive somewhere or go out to the garage to get something from the extra fridge. Thank goodness I'm lazy and don't do much of either these days!

3. Long Walks
well--- I wouldn't say I've been tip-toeing through the tulips or anything, but throughout this pregnancy, I've been on my feet A LOT. the mafia kept me busy all summer, and I have tried to take the stairs when possible, but I think the rumor of moderate exercise or walking to induce labor is some skinny aerobic instructor's way of selling her workout. I've tried the walking... it doesn't work, and it hurts my hips. Come to think of it... I'm actually kind of glad this one didn't work!

4. Shaving
Any woman who has gained a severe amount of weight or increased her body size in a short amount of time can attest that shaving becomes increasingly difficult the bigger she gets. If I wasn't sweating all the time, I swear I'd maintain an average leg hair length of about three inches, but the extra hair isn't so pretty when you're wearing shorts. Therefore... I have kept to my smooth and clean regime... even to the point of using a mirror to catch those hard-to-see areas. - this has been quite difficult, but far better than being caught unexpectedly. I mean--- who really wants to bust out the weedwacker when a head is coming out of you? --- I'd also hate to be the one girl in labor and delivery who's being referred to as 'the wooly mammoth in room 6' by the nursing staff. But... back to the problem with being prepared.... I sure as heck believe my smooth areas have kept things from happening.

5. Astrology and God
anyone that knows me knows I was wanting, for household harmony, to give birth to a Leo. this would have meant that the monster would have had to come early. I've actually (albeit now shamefully) used some of the moments of silent intentions at church to pray for an early arrival. Yes--- not only does this hit up Murphy, but probably pissed God off that I wasn't praying for some starving kids in Africa.... so I now wait in my Purgatory of Being Childless. I've since come to mentally accept that we will have a Virgo, and am now praying for the patience to accept that the monster will come out according to His Will. But--- my God being a Catholic God, I think I have to have at least three weeks in a row of good praying behavior before He'll allow the confinement to end. (yesterday made two, by the way...) I've toyed with idea of going to confession and getting a clean slate, but then I would have to hear the suitcase, so that idea has been bagged.

there's a ton of other things---- like wearing a pantyliner, having one of those plastic liners on the bed and in my car in case my water breaks (don't want to ruin any outfits, mattresses or new car's leather seats with baby juice) starting my leave of absence sooner than necessary from the mafia.... washing and folding all of the baby's clothes so the room is ready for his or her arrival.... they all add up.

The good news is that the doc won't let me go past 41 weeks, and they believe the monster will be no more than 8 pounds. so at least there's an end in sight. or beginning... depending on where you're looking from, I guess.

But enough kavetching. Happy Labor Day, kids.... the calendar one, that is. enjoy the BBQs, drunkeness and three day weekends. I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my non-labor Labor Day as well. I may even eat cake.

Till the next time....

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