It's like Dukes of Hazard ...... in VEGAS.

sometimes, I gotta admit.... Troy really has all the right words.

tonight, he made the shockingly wise comment while we were watching Las Vegas (I heart you josh duhamel.. and even though I'm married and everything, I would still totally let you be my boyfriend, except for all the sex and stuff, cause I ain't down with cheating on Troy... but yeah.. you... me... we're SO THERE, dude...)


yeah... so dear ole Troy made the comment about the show Las Vegas being like Dukes of Hazard in Vegas. hee hee hee. funny boy.


in other news... I'm participating in the Bloggerlympics.... more details about that tomorrow.


other fun shit going on the wide web is that Hanni Haus is hausting (get it... hAUsting, instead of hOsting... oh whatever.... it's late. just ignore me!)

anyho... she's got a Randy-Jackson Dawg metering contest going on. or something like that. check it out for yourself.... and place your bets if you're game!!!


ok... time to catch some zzz's. I've spent the entire day in deliriously-happy-mode for my mom-to-be-friend. hee hee hee... still makes me smile thinking about her!!

but seriously... this happy shit is tiring. I gotta get some sleep!

Prayers

so anyone that knows me pretty much knows that every night I say prayers with Rhena when I'm putting her to bed.


They're nothing fancy, and are usually interrupted with Rhena making motorboat noises, or pausing to climb up over my shoulder to bleet like a mountain goat (no... I don't know WHY she does it... I think it's just cause she CAN)

Anyways... so no biggie. we say the Lord's Prayer, and a Hail Mary... then we just talk to God and thank Him for all the things we have in our lives.

We thank Him for all the love, health and happiness... for those are things we have in ABUNDANCE every day.


We thank Him for the challenges that we were faced with, because they present opportunities to learn... whether it be how other people feel, or characteristics of strength and belief in ourselves... you know... different stuff, based on the situations.

We also take time to pray for our friends and family. We pray for their happiness and well being... and that wherever they may be, that they know in their hearts we love them.

Now for our friends and family that are being faced with challenging situations... be it cancer, (or some other form of sickness), a relative who may be dying, infertility, accidental pregnancies, or a broken heart... I have come to a place of understanding with my God.

you see.... to know me is to understand that I DO BELIEVE in God, and that He is the Mighty Creator. I believe that He has a Devine Plan, but that He also gave us as humans a great gift... the gift of Free Will.

So sometimes... believing in both a "Master Plan" (so-to-speak) and Free Will... I am occasionally in a quandary of trusting my empowered choices, or just trusting that 'things will work out'.

The path I personally have chosen to take is that of making choices to the best of my available abilities, and then letting what may come, come. It may not be the most solid path in the eyes of others, but it's the best I've found so far that helps me maintain Spirituality and Faith in my life while setting an example for Rhena that she as a woman is capable of nearly anything. and that's the click, you see.... I may not be an extreme example of righteousness or empowerment... but I'm trying to set the stage for my child to see what options are out there. So while I may lose points in the public eye for not being strong in any direction... I don't give a shit... cause I'm opening two doors for Rhena, instead of one.


so THAT being said.... I feel it is my duty to not contradict myself when I say prayers with Rhena. as much as I WANT to ask God to cure my cousin's cancer, and stop my friends' parents from being so sick or dying, or that these friends will get pregnant, or those ones will find the loves of their lives.... or get a job.... Rhena and I pray for our friends and families to find the strength to get through the challenges they are faced with, or to find love and acceptance with their lives, or have the courage to change their situations when possible.


But all of the above is really just a side thought. what I wanted to say is that today, a dear friend of mine called me to give me some news. It seems as if one of my prayers has been answered, and that due to some recent events.. they have a renewed sense of self... and a totally new lease on life. I couldn't be happier.

I know I didn't have anything to do with it..... but I do believe that since Rhena and I have been saying prayers at night, it's getting easier for me to just 'be there' for my friends instead of saying what or what not to do.... and let them know that I was there no matter WHAT THEY DECIDE to do (or not do). Don't get me wrong... I'm still going to add my two cents every now and then... old habits are hard to break....


hmmmph. speaking of old habits.... I started watching TV and have totally forgotten where I was going with all of this.

no matter. I'm deliciously happy for my friend, and pretty damn content with my own life right now to boot. and as for the prayers... well... at the very least it's a sure fire way to remind myself of how much good I have in my life... and maybe a little bit of the appreciation factor will rub off on Boogie.


so now... before I start rambling about how HORRIBLE the Carolina Panthers are doing, I'll end this.



peace out.

Squatting???

ok.... I think I need a little clarification here......


when women suggest that men should "squat" to pee.... are they saying the guy should bend his knees slightly to get better aim, much like a bowler must ensure his or her teenage thumb hits their forehead to throw better????


ok... maybe the bowling reference threw you a little... but remember... I'm Polish.. and I do love me some bowling.

But you know what I mean... in softball, basketball, football.... pretty much any sport I'm thinking.... SOMEONE has advice on how to throw, shoot, roll, spit, WHATEVER just a little better.



So I was reading over here at Mike's the other day, and there was mention of him SQUATTING to improve-slash-decrease the amount of ... shall we say... PIDDLE that ends up on the floor.


as I read the comments... girl after girl was telling him to squat while peeing.


AM I THE ONLY WOMAN THAT FINDS THIS DISTURBING?????


I mean.... I'm not one to hang out in men's rooms, or even attempt to make it my business to be a spectator in or anywhere NEAR the bathroom when Troy gets in there.... I mean... good Lord... I usually get the lingering odors, and more often than I would care to admit... he'll give me a play-by-play of his latest shit..... including shape, color, smell, and pushing level required. BELIEVE ME.... I don't ask.... it's just one of the 'perks' that comes along with being with Troy.



Now in the times of mighty bravado that is sooooooo becoming of my dear hubby.... he has often left the bathroom door open. Personally, I think even HE'S afraid to be in a small room with his gaseous ass..... but nonetheless... the door is wiiiiiiide open, for all to see his naked ass, or boy-like antics. I swear Troy has never progressed past the age of 7 in terms of bathroom etiquette....

He whistles at himself... gives LOUD narrations on his hose, python, mighty sword... and other creative terms for his penis.... NO. Troy can not just pee.... he must go on stage.



but all of that is really just an aside.


The point I'm making is that in all of Troy's antics.... I have NEVER seen him squat to pee.


I've seen (both in Troy and on TV) the lean-forward-cause-he-has-a-boner-and-it-won't-bend form of peeing.


and I know that during times of shitting.... no guy in their right mind is going to stop mid-push, pinch it off, stand up and pee. No.. I firmly believe that guys will PURPOSELY try to push out a shit and pee at the same time, cause on some remote level it's "cool" to be doing more than one bodily function at once. Hell..... if I had to bet, I'd say Troy would be the type to even try to bust out a fart, too... though farting and shitting at the same time is difficult... and painful. (at least when *I've* done it it has been....) So maybe if he can't get the fart, I'd at least expect him to try and BURP while peeing and shitting at the same time... like some weird guy-olympic event.


so in the case of the shit-pee.... I'm willing to rationalize that guys are sitting.


but for a regular pee???? hmmm.... bending the knees I can see.... but sitting????? I just don't get it.


I mean... isn't that kinda what makes guys GUYS????? I mean... I thought that in the beginning of the game, when the Dealer was explaining the rules... GIRLS get to blame every bad mood on PMS, and GUYS, in turn, get to pee on stuff. While STANDING UP.


So speaking of bending the knees... which indeed would define "squatting".... is there any good that comes of that? GUYS??? any thoughts?


But Ladies... and for you GENTLEmen out there..... SITTING to pee..... please... help me understand this one. I mean.... I may be grossed out every time I walk by the bathroom, and there's Troy's ass or antics hanging out for me to see.... but I guess I come from the mindset that when a guy "sits down" on the can to pee.... his balls kinda disappear.

I think I'm coming down with something

ugggg..... so all day yesterday I kinda had a sore throat and the shits. (no... not directly related to each other... for all those weirdos that keep coming here for asshole fever..... just kinda both hitting me at the same time...) I know that's kinda gross... but listen... you weren't here, so at least be thankful for that.


What makes me CONFIDENT, however, that indeed something is wrong with me... is that last night, Paula really only bugged me ONCE... if at all!!!!

no, no... she DID bug me once... when the I-have-lots-and-lots-of-teeth 24 year old breathy singer was doing his thing. It bugged me how she just sat there and smirked, imagining all the things she could do with him, since he was actually legal to be having things done with.

Side note... is it me, or has anyone else noticed that whenever Paula REALLY likes a boy, she does this whole passive-aggressive thing where she sits up straight and takes charge of the voting??? "Randy?? what do YOU think??? Simon??? " Cause you know inside she's wiggling with delight with her "PRIVATE BIG GIRL THOUGHTS". ew.



Speaking of BIG GIRL..... have I mentioned lately that Mariah Carey is a fat sleezebag??? I was laying in bed this morning, slowly trying to just swallow (yes.. throat still hurts a little today.... no shits yet, though, so that's good. Though I AM drinking coffee... so that could change my bathroom activity right quick...)


ANYWAYS........... I was laying there this morning thinking that our dear pal Mariah is starting to remind me a lot of KIRSTIE ALLEY!!! (pre-Jenny-weight-watchers-fast program days) take a look for yourself.....


















Again... no disrespect to the former Cheers Kitten.... I know she's just trying to do her own thing.... I was just saying... I think we could pretty much do a Monday-Match-up with these two, being that they're probably in the same weight class these days......


But enough about that.


Things go on as usual here in Johnson-ville.... I had to go to Wall-fart yesterday to buy the dear-Lord-I-hate-this-place-so-let-me-get-at-least-two-months'-worth-so-I-don't-have-to-do-this-again-for-a-while diaper stash. I think when Rhena gets to the age where she could even remotely CONSIDER having sex, I'm going to bring her to Wall-Fart repeatedly, telling her that if she ever has sex, she'll get pregnant, and will be forced to go there over and over again to buy diapers because they are the cheapest around for miles and miles. If a half-hour trip to Wall-fart every day doesn't knock some sense into her, I may beef it up with a soundtrack of a screaming child, or the smell of baby vomit on her clothes and in the infants' section in general.


but what else???

Last night I did NOT receive a live telecast from the bon-jovi concert.... (he was here in Charlotte) my friend that was supposed to go ended up NOT going, so boo-hoo... no 10pm phone calls.


I've been pleasantly amused with Laura's comments as of late. She's been taking to 'singing' in her comments. I'm hoping today I'll get another... thinking maybe the Cheers theme song, in honor of Kirstie??


Also had two new posters lately... so welcome to the madness, novaks8 and dakotablueeyes....


I'm sure there are other things to post about, but the coffee is starting to kick in, and I think I should probably shower.



Do your taxes, folks!!!!



johnson...out!


PS... for shits and giggles.... go ahead and throw a vote for Mariah or Kirstie while you're at it.... it's been a long time since we had a match-up, and like I said... same weight class and everything.....

so DING DING!!!!

We interrupt this broadcast...

sorry gang.... I was full of high hopes and running on a sour stomach last night. I really really wanted to talk about how much of a obvious pedophilia Paula from American Idol is...


but this girl.....


Crystal Parizanski, some 16-year-old gone horribly HORRIBLY wrong..... just had to be poked at.



It's NOT that she was a horrible singer... cause BELIEVE ME..... she was definitely sucking big time!!! it was a combination of her HORRIBLE makeup, her LACK of any form of brain cells.... and her cheap-ass-meth-looking whorebagging mother.


I don't know whether to really earnestly laugh or be sad. I believe under all that fake tanning and inches of makeup, there is a beautiful little girl... provided she keeps her mouth shut, that is. The mother was at least sensible enough to NOT open her mouth too much when she, too, was called into the judging room.

Perhaps Mama Parizanski was watching Mama Hilton the other day and took her wardrobe cues from her.... but just short of busting out more Mariah-Carey-is-fat comments... I'm gonna have to say Mama P looked like shit.

and as for Crystal... well, I bet her and the Ukrainian chick can get together and start a strip club. The 'dancers' don't have to talk in strip clubs, do they???



oiy, vey... it's gonna be a long season.



Johnson, out!

oh happy day!

something must be inherently wrong with me, because I am so very very excited about tonight.



my wait is over!!!!


TONIGHT...... American Idol returns!!!!! and tonight is the mother of all shows.... not only do I get to make fun of Paula... but TWO WHOLE HOURS speckled with people humiliating themselves!!!! I think I may even make some popcorn... good times!!!


Speaking of POPPING.... in a mini-edition of "oh-no-she-di'int"..... I've got to stop and take note of Kathy Hilton. I mean... I GET IT that whole money doesn't necessarily buy happiness.... but to make it blatantly clear that money also doesn't buy CLASS????? Did we really need to see this???

Kathy... from me to you.....


Honey... you're FORTY SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!!! YOU HAVE FOUR KIDS!!!!! Here's a novel concept.... let THEM do the partying????


Seriously... you could probably SHIT money if you wanted to, yet you insist on going out with your daughters and club-hopping??? C'mon.... no one wants to see you shake your ass. NO one needs to see your raccoon eyes or your double chin.

And for God's sake, woman... if you refuse to act your age and insist on shaking up and re-defining what "Motherly Love" represents... AT LEAST PUT ON A BRA. Your boobs are flopping all over your 1996-lace-pattern-from-victoria's-secret-shirt, and your nipples are visible.

I'm not against couture or a nipple flash here and there, but for crying out loud, Kathy... when you're as rich as you are... people watch what you do. and frankly... what YOU'RE DOING right now is looking like Suzanne Somers in an un-cut version of Three Company left out in the sun for about 30 years. (side note... Suzanne turns SIXTY this year... she has an excuse for looking old.... ) Put them away, Kathy... just put them away..... and try staying home one night and baking cookies. Or hanging out with people YOUR AGE.

either way.... just get dressed and stop trying to be young again. I'd hate to see you looking (even MORE) like the Gastineau Girls.

johnson, out!

It's like Christmas in January!!!

ok.... so to prove I'm not a TOTAL scrooge, here is a very belated and VERY long pictoral review of our trip to Jersey....

well.... before we left, we thought we should get Rhena ready for the cold weather....

not sure if she enjoyed how ridiculous we made her look. note the "are you kidding me???" look on her face....

Eventually, Christmas came and we were up in Jersey. We started celebrating on Christmas Eve, with the Czernikowski Family Wigilia.

Here's Rhena all dressed up and ready for Wigilia:and of course.... with her formal coat, hat and purse on.... can you say STYLIN' ???

Many presents were opened that night... also... here's my hair, for those interested..

Too bad Rhena didn't really care for Santa.....

Bonus picture.... this is my oldest neice, Dara.... a future heartbreaker, for sure.. but for now she holds the title for reigning (gingerbread) Man-eater... FIERCE!!!!

I did get a picture of all the kids (my two neices, my nephew, and Boogie) all together by the tree.... for the ultra-observant... NO... my SIL and I didn't plan to dress the girls alike... we just both really like gymboree!!! no matter... I thought they all looked adorable together..... you know... when Rhena wasn't screaming and all.... this particular picture was a happy scream, I think....

Back at my parents' house... we dressed the kids in stupid elf hats. Here's Dara, Delaney, and Damian wearing the obligitory silliness..........














And of course.... we couldn't forget Rhena... no one escapes!!!

More presents were opened.... 'Grampy' watched, while Rhena decided it was more fun to get IN the box that the toy came in.....

see??? I told you.... IN the box!!!!

Of course, there was other fun and shenanigans along the trip.... Troy remembered why he loves Dara so much.... what is the saying about Misery loving company???

We also went to see Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the state theater... my folks sprung for all the tickets, as well as these t-shirts for all the kids.... Rhena seems like she has room to grow into hers a little more....

We also got to visit my cousin and her little girl while we were home.... Lindsay has a REALLY COOL little couch that Rhena was digging. The girls had a great time playing together, and I really enjoyed catching up with my cousin.... (notice how Rhena makes herself at hom and props her feet up like she owns the joint...)

We had some downtime, too... I got to watch a movie with all the kids.......

Rhena also got some one-on-one time with Grandma and Grandpa......

and by the time all was said and done.... Rhena was pooped.

so.. it was a very nice viist home. The folks are planning on coming down thisaway for Easter, and I've got to say I'm excited about it. But for now... things go on as usual.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

Thunder Alley

well... today we're finding out the hard way that Rhena doesn't care for lightning and thunder.



do the words "scared shitless" conjure any images???


yeah... anyways.. it's weird, cause this is definitely new around here... she's slept through thunder, near hurricanes, and even a fireworks assault just as recently as New Year's Eve at my parents a few weeks ago... (don't ask... it's a long story that ends up with my parents' white-trash neighbors up the street setting off fireworks----even though it's illegal in the state of New Jersey---- every damn holiday or eve of a holiday, or when Miller Lite is on sale. New Year's was no different... with minimum 12-minute booming assaults happening every hour ON THE HOUR from midnight til three in the morning. I guess they were helping other time zones celebrate as well???)

so yeah... in the past, Boogie has been able to sleep through all that shit. well today... the thunder came a roaring when she was awake, and she was NOT HAPPY. Thankfully, we had a teeny lull in the storm activity, so I brought Rhena up to her crib for a nap. I'm hoping she can konk out before the thunder acts up again. We'll see.


bless her little heart, though... she was literally SHAKING earlier. Lord help me, I have a warped sense of humor, and I DO find it amusing when she gets her cage rattled a little... but this made me sad. Even my black-hearted bitch self doesn't like to see a baby THAT scared.

so we'll see what happens... the rain is coming down a little harder again...... so wish us luck.

hope your friday the thirteenth is a little less scarey!

Note to Self

Dear Carrie;


It's shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse.


got that???


let us repeat that for you....


shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.




Not conditioner (shit!) rinse, shampoo, rinse, shampoo(damnit!) rinse, conditioner, rinse.


It is also not body wash (shit.. though your hair was supple and silky soft that day, we admit), rinse, shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse.


Again... please note....

shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.


Your hair is three inches long, if that. It is NOT necessary for you to be shampooing twice or three times each shower. honestly... even if Rhena shat directly on your head, you would not need the amount of shampoo you have been using the past three days. so quit fucking up the order, and get it right!!!

so come on, Carrie... say it with us....


shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.


Thank you,
The Management



PS.... once you get back in the swing of washing your hair without screwing up, you might want to remember to shave your legs. Just an idea.

So Wave your Hands in the AIR

.... and wave 'em like you just don't care...


'cause if you GOT play group,
and you HATE play group...
somebody scream "HELL YEAH!!!!"

Today's post is brought to you by the letters P ( P is for PLAYGROUP!!! and PUTRID weather!!!) and N!!! ( N is for NOT NAPPING NOW, which is what rhena is doing!)

Just got back from playgroup... GAG.... which was held this week in the zoo ... er, I mean... children's section of the mall. Our grey balmy morning turned into a wet rainy afternoon during the time we sat wide-eyed at the monsters... I mean wonderful little precious children running around the enclosed area.

I know part of me should be concerned that Rhena is going to turn into a wallflower, but I can't lie... I'm secretly glad she was standing there giving all the other kids the "what the fuck is WRONG with you kids" look the whole time. Nothing a box of raisins couldn't cure, though... as long as I kept the supply of sweet goodness going from the box to her hand to her mouth, she didn't seem to mind that utter chaos was happening all around her.

...I, on the other hand... think I need a drink. and an excederin. at the very least some more coffee.

~ happy hump day, gang..... I'm going to lay Rhena down and fire up the x-box..... I'm in the mood to kill something.

A Rare Find

so yesterday, I was doodling around on the computer, and I decided to check out my stats page. In my reporting pages, i get a list of search phrases people have used in order to end up at my blog.


The search engines used are Google, MSN, and Yahoo, from what I can tell... but that's not the interesting part. the shit I'm utterly FASCINATED by... and I'll admit... just a *TEENY* bit creeped out by is WHAT people are searching for. For example.. who knew Susan Lucci had such a strong hold on the internet??? (and such a strong connection to my blog??? WHY DO YOU HAUNT ME SUSAN??? WHY??????) and what's the fascination with Rachel ray half-dressed???? anyways... have a look for yourself.... I also listed HOW MANY TIMES each phrase was entered to get people to here.... and you KNOW I couldn't help but add my own commentary as well....


enjoy! (this list was edited to remove the boring and understandable searches)



how old is susan lucci 7 - seriously... not sure if ANYONE knows this answer
fuzzy naval - 5 - gotta love how drink searches point towards me.
petocin 5 - as in... PETOCIN didn't do SHIT to help my labor progress???
corn 5 - as in corny-funny, or corn the vegetable? I'm not getting this one
ass hole fever 3 - oh yeah... I got a fever for the flavor of an asshole??? EWWWW!
e cards for rude people 3 - this is just classic, and I'm sure my brother will love the fact that I'm pointed to when it somes to cards for rude people. CLASSIC, I tell you!
ding fever 2 - don't even WANT to play the "as in?" game here......
pictures of dirty tinkerbell 2 - Fairy fetish, party of two???? you're table's ready!
hot naked children boy 2 - Make that a table of four.... in JAIL, you sick motherfuckers....
jack daniels slushie 2 - this actually sounds pretty good right now!
belly button sweater 2 - must... stop... the .... visual!!!!
fuzzy naval drink 2 - as compared to a hairy belly button wearing a sweater?
Belly button pictures of teachers 2 - Van Halen anyone?
blog jon farriss 2 - did I MENTION I used to love INXS???? love love love INXS!
THE IJDM GROUP 2 - from the latin proverb... It Just Doesn't Matter....
staying alive the song 2 - yeah bitches.. I got disco.... come get it!
"girl burping" 2 - now playing every other soda....
mammories 2 - well, it's pretty obvious why they ended up here for that!
A Tale Of Two Titties 2 - that was SUCH a great blog post title!
wicked monsters 2 - these two people must have been searching in Boston... wicked cool!
"WHERE MY REAL DOGS AT?" 2 - I'm gonna say back in the 90's where you got that saying, jackass!
mariah carrie 2- I can never pass up an opportunity to remark how fat nasty whorey Mariah is!
Dum-dah-dah, dum-duh-duh rocky soundtrack 2 - dude... who TYPES this shit????
on what day is MadHatter Day celebrated? 1 - good question! anyone? anyone??? Bueller???
dirty johnson 1 - Troy might be happy to know about this one...
pictures of rapper lucky lucciano 1 - huh???? has Rhena been posting shit again???
what does chimichanga mean 1 --Heartburn... in Taco Bell, that is!
picture of paula abdul crying over constantine 1 - I can NOT WAIT for another season of bagging on paula!!!!
susan lucci + how old 1 -give up, people.. no one's talking!
a cheerleader that poops while cheering 1 --HAH!!!! that's actually some funny shit! (get it... SHIT???)
ijdm 1 - see above...
Rachel Ray bikini 1 - for thrirty-minute tan lines?
rum jungle girls 1 - once upon a time when I was allowed in vegas, this would make sense... not so much these days....
What is the name of Mike Brady's architectural firm in Brady Bunch? 1 -- another good question!!! anyone know it??
rachel ray bra 1 - now available for purchase at a cooking store near you?
what is a scoundrel 1 - go ask webster, and leave me alone!
the Lakers song" are you ready for this?" 1 - I believe it was Technotronic.... I could be wrong though.
her stump muscles 1 - "my stump, my stumps... my lovely LADY STUMPS! check it out!"
fever exotic dancer 1 - why yes I am, thank you very much!
tri star vacuum 1 - they still suck, btw....
f.c.i. memphis murder 1 - noooooooo clue about this one!
"tri star vacuum" 1 - still sucking!
did elvis presley wore diapers on stage 1 - I think even I don't want to know the answer to this...
girls with big feet have 1 - big shoes? incomplete sentences???
stomach pains and crapping blood 1 - always nice to know there are other sout there like me...
period aunt flo crimson 1 - why yes... she IS in town this week... thanks for asking!
johnson paint 1 - as in the BRAND, or paint for the johnson???
tri-star vacuum 1 --- do I need to say it?
pregnancy pictures-belly shots 1 - kinda creepy....
sneakers doodling 1 --- actually, we doodle with PENS around here... not our sneakers... sheesh!
the way should talk about sex 1 -- I'm going to recommend using a complete sentence as a start....
hat fever and balance instability 1 - WTF????
rappin john wayne 1 - CLASSIC!!!
da ha john wayne 1 --- - you KNOW you're going to be singing it all day now!!!
tuaca stomach 1 --- ugggg... been there... had that!
picture of Charlie brown kite eating tree on a shirt 1--- classic!
Magnum PI anthem 1 --- you're KIDDING me right???
Susan Lucci 1 --- I must be the expert on the lady
OLD "SUSAN LUCCI" 1 --- looks the same as a YOUNG susan lucci
susan lucci & family 1 -- she HAS a family??? but she's like the undead!
words to the song little rabbit froo froo 1 -- all I know is he was hopping through the forest
free mommies titties 1 --- nothing's free. ever.
perfect juicy ass 1 --- that's it??? ONLY ONE HIT???? damn... I got to start working out again!
free edible candy poops candy seeds 1.... I can still hear the lambs!!!!! make them stop!
"damsel in distress" gas 1---- as compared to 'damsel in good mood' gas????
wives riding harleys nude 1 -- gonna go with no way in how on this one, gang...
rupaul, hormones 1 -- work it, girl!
"shit fire and save matches" 1 - That's just funny. I need to say that more!
crandberry jello salad 1 - as compared to it's better known cousin cranberry jello salad...
my husband wears my panties and i like it. 1 - WOW.... OOOOKAAAAY then!
fat nude kid boy chub young 1 - ewww. gross people! There's some sick ass motherfuckers out there...
rude christmas e cards 1 -- I should start a business!!
fat mariah carrie 1 --- why yes she is..... even though it's mariah CAREY
plop plop little bitch 1 -- oh what a relief it is??
ass fever 1 --- asses are a popular subject, huh?
nude blogspot 1--- nope... not here... but thanks for trying! drive through, please!
www.Kentucky horseshit paper weight.com 1 - I got nothing. this one is on its own.


so there you have it... or at least there you have SOME of it. regardless of what people type in to get here... you just gotta love a list that ends with Kentucky Horseshit paperweight. (dot com, no less.....)


have a great day, gang!

Leave it to Google...

to list me as #2 choice when people search for

"Dum-dah-dah, dum-duh-duh rocky soundtrack"


yeah, folks... it's gonna be one of THOSE weeks.....

The games we play

so this weekend was a good one.


yesterday we had two of our neighbors over after boogie went to bed. We had a few drinks and snacked on chips, dips and fondue. mmmm... fondue! I've decided that anyone who has a fondue pot who doesn't use it must have the kind with the sterno under it... cause those suck. Mine is the electric-all-over-heat-you-can-use-it-for-soup-or-meatballs-or-cheese-or-my-personal-favorite-chocolate.... have I mentioned my fondue pot kicks ass????

anyways... we had a nice night... played Uno and Phase 10. good times. (plus, there was fondue..... mmmmmm, chocolate fondue!)



Today we had one of my new mom friends over with her two kids for dinner. Her husband has been in Arizona for a week on business, and she's been at her rope's end. She has no family nearby, and her kids are 3 years old and 8 months. Did I mention the three year old can talk and apparently likes to express her opinion on everything??? did I also mention she was at her wits' end?

SO to give her a *teeny* bit of a reprieve, I've been having her come over or go out for walks with me and boogie.. and today we had them over for dinner. Tonight the three year old was being a bit three-year-oldy, and I noticed my mom friend kept apologizing. Offering justifications and explanations why the three year old was.... well..... THREE.

By the time we managed to get to dessert, it dawned on me that even though I couldn't at first understand why she kept proffering apologies... I came to realize I could have been looking in a mirror.

Why is that??? Why..... especially among our closest friends... the people who know us best... do we constantly apologize for things beyond our control? well... at least I know my friends and I do that. I suppose I know other people who DON'T do that.... but I've never been one to care for parents that let their kids run amok with no regard. I mean... I agree that kids will be kids, and for the most part shouldn't have to be apologized for..... at least not constantly. an acknowledgement that your precious offspring is being a complete SHIT is nice.... but if the company you're with says it's ok... just let it be ok...


*** I'll be with you in a second.... I'm just re-reading what I wrote, and trying to convince myself to follow my own advice*************

anyways... so yeah... I sat back tonight, all third-personish... and realized that it sucks how she, I, we.... play those games. I'd say that maybe we all just need to be a little more real... but I think that it's in being real that we end up being the way we do. IN REALITY.... I'm insecure... a people-pleaser. I CARE what people think, and I hate being a burden on others. Consequently, I internalize when I'm stressed, and obsess about ridiculous shit. I over-analyze pretty much EVERYTHING. I apologize for situations that I have nothing to do with, and never allow myself to believe when friends tell me that "it's ok".

SO in a brief moment of clarity; a bizzaro second where I had the power to help myself by helping someone else.... I told my mom friend not that it was "ok"... but rather that she was doing a wonderful job. That her children were happy and she was doing a really really great job, especially for being on her own this week. And you know what??? *IN* that bizzaro moment, my mom friend smiled, and her running screaming three year old was temporarily muted to us both in a cloud of comfortable acceptance.

2006 good reasons

well... I know I said yesterday that I already made my resolutions a month ago on my birthday, but being back home again has helped clear my head a little, and I think I really should make a resolution for 2006.


I've decided that this year should be about appreciation. .... MY appreciation of others, that is.



I mean... I hate to say it, but at some point in the past few weeks when I wasn't looking, generosity and love from others just kinda came in and tackled us. From friends, from family, and from strangers.... in obvious ways and some more subtle... Troy and I have been surrounded in abundance lately.


No doubt the sheer act of coming home and unpacking the car and going through our mail made things pretty obvious. Seeing all of the gifts that the three of us received, and getting so many cards from friends near and far.... and now, getting caught up with friends that actually missed us while we were gone. My neighbor met up with me and gave me cookies she made, and gave me a package that had come for Rhena while we were gone.... (CUTEST personalized towel and adorable SLIPPERS from my girlfriend)

But anyways... where was I going... oh yes. This past Christmas was more of a bare-bones Christmas for Troy and me. We managed to give small things to a select few... but so many others got nothing. perhaps a little too late to be as poignant to you as it is to me, but I really felt like the Little Drummer Boy this past Christmas. (I have no gift to bring, but I'll play my best for you....)


SO while I am still slightly tinged with guilt that we didn't do more for more... or more for the ones we actually DID give gifts to.... I feel obligated to play my best for them.. for you.

I think of my family... immediate and extended... related and not... and for all they do for us SO OFTEN..... they deserve the best. They deserve appreciation. they deserve thanks... they deserve respect..... SO that's what I'm going to try to do this year.

don't get me wrong... I'm still going to bitch about things, and everyone in Hollywood is fair game for my "oh no they di'int" commentaries.... but to those people in my life who are IN my life.... this year I hope to make you happy you are.

first post back

it's always interesting when I type a 'first post' after being gone for a while.... do I just jump right in and blather on about something, or do I do the obligatory summation of what's been going on since I last posted???


I feel torn between the two, but I left my cable that uploads pictures form my camera to the computer in New Jersey, so until our dear USPS brings said cable to me (thanks again, daddy)... I really have no visuals to share.... so I guess you're stuck with me just jumping right in.


I'm feeling pretty good about this new year of ours. Granted... I DID get a little head start on y'all with my resolutions.... trust me when I tell you I was over the guilt of not keeping them by Christmas!!!


but yeah... it's January... the Johnson crew is back down here in the south, and the weather is gorgeous. I mean walking-outside-without-a-coat gorgeous. I'm loving it, don't get me wrong... but something about springy weather in January makes me start craving some winter-esque scenery, and as you can plainly see from the looks of the blog... makes me break out in a third-grader's version of a dream room. well... except no unicorns. definitely passing on the horny horses, thank you very much!


right now, I'm a bit tired... and VERY hungry. I'm about to wake Boogie up and take her for a walk... but I needed to get the 'first post back' over with. I had like a good dozen or two topics popping all in my head these past few weeks, but I'll be damned if I can remember any of them right now. oh well. first post back... whaddaya expect??


oh well... happy 2006, gang. more to come soon.

Home for the Holidays

Well.... in about 17 hours (as I write this) we should be hitting the road to drive up to New Jersey for Christmas and New Year's.


Yes... I AM writing this at about 9:50am, and we ARE leaving at 3am... or at least going to try like hell to do so.


Anyways... the bottom line is that we are going to be out of here. soon. which means ultimately that I should be packing and sorting and wrapping and everything associated with the frenzy of seeing family at Christmas... but my resolution for procrastination doesn't REALLY have to kick in for another 10 days or so.

So instead of packing etc.... I was reading my posts from last december... I wistfully find it funny how the person who wrote those posts last year seems SOMEWHAT familiar to me... but definitely not who I am now. like a distant cousin or something.

But that's good. It's be a long year, and a lot has happened. I SHOULDN'T be the same person.


The biggest change over these past 12 months is, of course, that we sold our house and moved across the country with a 4 month old. Spending two months without my husband definitely sucked, but I was fortunate enough to be WITH my parents during that time. I may not have shown my appreciation well at the time... and I may not even have KNOWN how much I would appreciate being with them at the time... but months 4-5 of Rhena's life were lonely and hormonal. My parents helped me keep my shit together. and THAT, people.... you can't even put a price tag on that.

By the beginning of March, Rhena and I were reunited with Troy in our new home in North Carolina. Around this time, I became aware of how heavily I depended on the virtual friendships I had made through my babycenter girls and my blog friends. I knew NO ONE in North Carolina... and it sucked. I was angry, feeling alone, and very trapped inside this huge house we had just bought. Plus it was raining like ALL the fucking time, and that just sucked balls, too. I honestly can not imagine how I would have gotten through those times without the internet. Often it was my only connection to life, and the support I so generously received from friends and strangers alike is unsurpassed. Once again, I'm not sure I fully appreciated the support I was getting at the time, but now, as I look back.. I realize and appreciate all of you..... my blog readers, my e-mail friends, and my November Newbies. You kept me alive.... you really did.



But, like the seasons, the grey lifted to bring way for a new time in my life. I began to meet people ( IN REAL LIFE!!! A REAL LIVE PERSON TO TALK TO!!!!!) and I started getting out of the house more. I explored my new city of Charlotte, did a lot of traveling, and started falling in love again. No... nothing juicy like the mailman or anything... just simple shit like LIFE. Things started getting good again.


And so it goes.


So here I am... now approximately 16 1/2 hours from time of departure, and I couldn't be happier. sure... there's shit to do, things to pack, errands to run, yabbitty blah blah... you know... STUFF.

But as a whole... things ARE GOOD. I have friends now. (in real life!!! IN MY TOWN!!! ON MY STREET EVEN!!!!!!) Our house has already become a HOME, and I can not go into any room without some vision of Rhena or memory of a friend or relative who has come to visit. Like I said... things are GOOD.


And now... like I said... we prepare to go to New Jersey. Kind of full circle, if you will... considering that the last time the Czernikowski crew was all together was back in January... right before Troy left for North Carolina. Back then we were so unsure of our future. No clue how long we would be apart... no idea where we would be living... (insert cartoony-sounding character saying "uhhhh, which WAY do we go??? which way should we go???") just holding tight to our faith in each other and God that things would work out fine.

and they did. over and over again. SO only fitting... we go home now in celebration. We go home to celebrate with FAMILY, and to honor FAITH. We'll pay tribute to NEW BEGINNINGS, and we'll respect OLD TRADITIONS. We'll THANK our families and friends for all they have done for us this past year, and we'll WISH THEM all the best for this coming year.

And like last January... I DON'T know what the future will hold. I'm sure that 2006 will bring more challenges and more triumphs. I imagine there'll be times of sadness, and times to rejoice. Friends and family will pass away, and we will welcome new lives with open hearts.

I DO KNOW, however, that I will continue to hold tight to the faith I have in my family and God, and things.... no matter what may come.... will continue to work out fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

From all of us here at the Fever, to all of you, my dear readers.... have a very Merry Christmas.(or a Joyous Hanukkah, or whatever you choose to celebrate in these coming weeks)

May the new year bring you health, happiness, and a renewed sense of faith in all things good.

oh no she DIH-INT

oh yes she did.


I mean... maybe it's just me.... but did anyone else out there think that Mariah looked like a fat coked-out floozy on the 2005 Radio Music Awards??? Well, maybe not coked-out... but definitely on SOMETHING.

and what was that shit about going on and on about interns of radio stations??? I mean... three cheers for the interns, yeah... but let's try making a little SENSE when you speak next time, Mariah??????



MARIAH.... seriously... babygirl..... from me to you......

TRUST me when I tell you that your tits don't look big... they look FAT. That silver shirt with the just-above your ass-crack jeans??? yeah... let's leave those to the younger girls shall we??? at least skinnier ones with boobs that are NOT in different time zones. I mean... I'm not skinny, either... but c'mon...... there's no need for you to be dressing like that. I'm sure there's a TON of designers that can make clothes to FLATTER you... not make you look like an old bag trying to be hip????

Speaking of bags.... back to your boobs. please wear a bra next time, ok, honey???? I've got a big rack, too.... but the look SO MUCH better when they're in FRONT on your body, and not caught all up in your armpits......


and next time DJ Clue has to scrape (or scoop... whatever form of assistance you want to label it) anyways... next time he has to scoop you out of your chair and help you walk up to stage... slip the cameramen a few extra bucks so they DON'T catch it and broadcast it on National TV.

YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.


and fat... but I think I already said that.


I still can't believe you're considered a diva. I think last night you singlehandedly stole the WHITE TRASH WHOREBAGGING FATGIRL title from Anna Nicole (pre-trimspa days, of course).


You've got a great voice, Mariah... you really do. Mostly since you lost the whole communicating-with-dolphins sound you had going in the 90's... but you've got talent.... you really do. You also have a few more years and a few extra pounds on you, so please... for all things holy, and even for those who aren't..... but at least have eyes that work.... lay off the drugs just a little, and COVER YOURSELF. please. I'll even lend you a shirt if you want!!!


Thanks, Mariah... and by the way... have a merry Christmas!

Stupid WINTER

ok.... it's officially winter. Well.. not OFFICIALLY-OFFICIALLY... I mean, that doesn't come til Dec 21st... but man oh man... we've got some shit-ass weather over here.


today's forecast?

shit. cold, icy, rainy, SHIT.


I mean, I accept that winter indeed DOES have to make an appearance, but why oh why must I go from wearing t-shirts to this imposed ice cavern of doom-better-just-stay-inside-and-enjoy-the-day-of-darkness???? (I kid you not... December 4th had temps holding at 68 degrees around here, and today I question whether the sun really still exists....)


now I know some of you with your 100+ inches of snow may be reading this saying "sour grapes, Johnson!!! take your ice and shut the hell up!!!" but I got news for you... your 100+ inches of snow is why I DON'T live where you live!!!! SO take your 100+ inches of snow and stick it in the same place you're thankful you live near family, in a bustling metropolis, or in some ridonkulously low housing market. If you DON'T have one of those three to fall back on... I ask you.. what in HELLLLLL are you doing living where you do then??? seriously.... grey. winter. snow... ICK. move someplace warmer!!!


ok... so back to my shit-ass weather.... cause this blog IS about me, remember.....


it just FIGURES that today is the day I need to drive all over creation to pick up pictures and go food shopping etc etc etc. Cold weather and food shopping are NOT a budget-friendly combination for me. it's cold?? oh... ok!!! I'll just buy $50 worth of soups, $75 worth of bread, and damnit to all hell, you KNOW I'm gonna break the bank down that stupid BAKING AISLE.

so much for me losing weight by Christmas.... I mean.. let's face it. cold weather means no walks with boogie, and lots of "it's 9pm, so let's turn on the fireplace, make some coffee and stay up all night baking!!!"

but I'm getting smarter... or at least a little more generous with my weight gain.... now when I bake... I make deliveries to all of my neighbors so THEY can get fat, too. I mean... it's half the calories and half the fat if I make two loaves of apple bread and give one away, right????


......stupid winter....... stay warm, people!!!!!

Filling Some Shoes

I'm not sure if it's the weather, the time of year, or the onslaught of menstrual hormones running rampant through my body.... but I'm feeling very reflective lately.

I've been thinking about Boogie.


and more importantly, the huge huge... and I mean BIG impact I have on her life.


now don't get me wrong... this isn't the first time I've thought about this... this was definitely a topic of discussion between Troy and me before we even went down the road to kids...

but lately... well... she's just become this little PERSON, so now more than ever, it's been super obvious of how important it is for me to be setting a good example. This little sponge watches EVERYTHING I do, and listens to everything I say. (why exactly, I'll never understand... I don't even listen to myself most times....) But the point is.... I am her primary example for just about EVERYTHING.


thankfully, I think I still have a *little* while before she figures out that I don't make my bed every day and should more than likely deep-clean the shower more often than I do..... but stuff like kind words, eating healthy, and showing others how much I love them, (and cutting back on the impatience and sarcasm) needs to be on the radar 24/7. And while I DO recognize that this is shit that should have been important to me all my life... and in many respects HAS been important to me, just not always outwardly obvious.... I can't say it's had as much personal meaning until lately.


Anyways... Boogie... if you ever read this (which BTW, you SHOULDN'T be reading this crap until you're much much older... Mommy uses waaaay too many curse words in here for you to be reading) again... if/when you should ever read this... just know that I'm watching. I'm watching you watch me, and I promise to make it worth your while.

Another Monday Match-up

well... here we are... another monday!!!

last week, I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest... and this week is shaping up to be more of the same. ....But onwards and backwards.... or at least that's how we roll in these parts!


I'd like to announce that this here post just so happens to be post #200 for me.... whuppidity do!!! You'd think that with my flare for bitching, I'd have more posts by now, but I guess my flare for distraction and laziness have also had a factor in this, too.

anyways... hooray for me!

on to the match-up!!!


I'm making my last-ditch effort to get these 100+ christmas cards out the door on-slash-by the 15th. This should prove to be a TEENY bit more challenging than one would think. you see... all of the PICTURES that I wanted to include in the cards are still at the photoplace, waiting to be picked up.... which I can't do until troy gets paid on the 15th. .So on the 15th, I should be a TAD bit busy cutting, stuffing and sealing 100+ envelopes so I can scurry to the post office... hoping maybe just maybe shit will get to people on time. or at least before valentine's day.


anyways... my match-up this week has to do with these little friends of mine... these Holiday Cards.

do you

STUFF THEM

or

NOT STUFF THEM?????

and by 'stuffing', I mean... do you write the form letter that tells everyone what you've been doing with yourself for the past year, or do you just sign the damn things and send them out?

I personally can see the merits of both sides here, as well as markers of why I shouldn't do the other. But I'm curious.... what's the general thought line out there??? do you LIKE getting letters from people???

I know our dear pal Martha would be saying that only a hand-written note is acceptable in terms of etiquette, but let's face it... the bitch had some time in jail to get caught up on stuff.... and it's not like she's putting ALL that much work into the Apprentice.... so clearly she can take her hand-written shit and do something useful like make me some cookies.... I mean.... REALLY!!!! ....Mama's gonna be up late signing cards, and this week's version of PMS can only be quelled by cookies. fistfuls and fistfuls of cookies.


so which is it, gang..... Letters in the Holiday cards, or NO LETTERS?????



DING DING!!!!

sugar cookies

you know it's going to be an interesting day when you turn the corner at 8am and see your daughter breaking into a tin of sugar cookies.


Maybe she was trying to get a jump start on celebrating JohnBoy's birthday????

yeah... maybe... or she's just like her father. Probably a little of both!

Happy birthday, JB!

Why so down, Mrs Brown???

so I've been wondering just what the funk is going on over here.


I've been kinda feeling like I'm in a bi-polar crossroads of some sorts. I feel very happy with life right now, yet utterly unimpressed and quite blah.


I feel like I have lots to say, yet don't feel like talking to anyone.

I feel very gross and unattractive right now, yet am quite content with who I am and what I look like.

I'm feeling homesick, but am loving my house and neighborhood more and more each day.

Is this part of the processing path to Stepford? Am I doing some kind of brain-dump of my former self so I may fit the role of suburbia better?

I'd say I need a break, but I don't know from what. Actually, that's not true. I know what, or rather WHO I need a break from, but every once in a blue moon this person reads my blog, so I can't be all "yeah... so-and-so annoys the SHIT outta me!!!" or anything like that. And even if I DID go on and on about my level of irritation for this person... and really call them out for the fuckernut they can be.... what good would it do???? I just make myself look like an ass for going off on some human, and even more like an idiot for not being able to rise above their continuously SELF-CENTERED, insipid, RUDE and belittling comments all the time. but I'm not. I'm not going to go off..... I'm going to go to bed and call it a night and hug my husband and then wake up and spend the entire day with Boogie.

and I'm going to smile.

Merry Matching

ok, ok... so I've been slacking on the posting in a big way, but hey... last week was really busy!


I had a great birthday week... thanks to all who posted their wishes to me!!! I received some great stuff... starting with a necklace from Tiffany's (my girlfriend from jersey is the best, isn't she???) on Monday! Gotta love starting the week with Tiffany's! The week progressed with more cards and gifts (really cool T-shirt, a CD of christmas music, some moosemuch, flowers, and more candy) a DATE with Troy on wednesday night (saw Walk the Line... interesting flick... I enjoyed it!) and a hair cut on Thursday (got it all chopped off.... and as much as I love love love it, I think it borders on MOM-HAIR) and I can't even remember what happened on friday.


We had our Annual Christmas Social on Saturday.... it was a good time. We had 32 or 33 people here, not including Troy and myself, so it was quite festive. I may or may not have had a few glasses of wine and shots of VO..... but I definitely did not remember to take pictures. ooops!


We did take one picture of the two of us before the party started, but I'll share that later this week... after all... today is match-up day!

so ON THAT SUBJECT.....


each monday, I wonder what is better of two things. Mind you... I know I wouldn't change my mind about something (for example... there is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL you would get me to have anything other than white non-blinking lights on my tree. PERIOD. Although that *WAS* the most popular choice, so I guess this is a bad example. But Jody mentioned fire... real live fire, and I think Carlotta had some musical lights, which both are cool in my book.... but definitely still not changing my mind with the non-blinking white christmas.)


My point is... just because I'm a stubborn ole cow and will not change my likes or dislikes... that doesn't mean I'm not curious to what other people think. so once again, on a monday... I find myself pairing up stuff for public opinion.


ok. so Monday. let me get back on track here.


For today's merry match-up.... I'm appealing to your mouths. What tantalizes your tastebuds????? this week, I present:

EGGNOG

vs

SPICED CIDER

now given the bunch of lushes that tend to read my site, (and yet not assuming there isn't a designated driver or two out there) I'm leaving the level of 'spike' up to you. I mean... for all I know, your favorite thing to drink is Brandy.... but if you HAD to add a mixer to it, would you prefer the Cider or the Nog?

So which kicks more ass, gang??? Keep in mind there are SOOOOO many facets to be explored here.... ability to fill a person up, dietary needs, regurgitation factor, ease of preparation, availability, then of course... personal taste.

so which makes your spirits bright (figuratively OR literally???)


DING DING!!!!!

Happy New Year

well, it's that time of year again.... the beginning.


Yes, I realize that today is DECEMBER 1st, and not January 1st... but for me... this is a new year.


Yesterday I ushered out the old (younger) me by going on one last date with Troy. I made coffee cake. I invited a friend over for lunch, and I got my boo-hoo-hoo call from my dad.


(side note... the boo-hoo-hoo call has happened every year on the day before my birthday for as long as I can remember. My Gram Czernikowski used to call us every night before our birthday and proceed to 'fake cry' about how sad she was that we would no longer be such and such age. She really took 9 going on 10 especially hard, and had a field day with becoming a teenager. Come to think of it, 19 going on 20 was a bit over the edge, too, but by then she could have been taking meds, so who knows??? In all seriousness, though, as much as we teased her about it, it is a tradition I refuse to let go of, even though she passed away a number of years ago.)


so yeah... yesterday was complete as far as I was concerned once I got my boo-hoo-hoo call. Everything else was just gravy in my book. Or better yet; ice cream... I really don't like gravy.


SO today I welcome in my new year with resolutions and a positive spirit. Granted, I'll be welcoming a new haircut at about 12:30 today, so that in itself does wonders for the spirit!!!


But seriously... it's a good day. A fine way to start a new year. Things in my life are really fucking good right now. I have a wonderful husband and a daughter that makes my heart explode with happiness. I've been blessed with a loving and supportive family, and I have really awesome friends who have gone the distance more than once with me.

resolutions??? maybe a little less conversation, a lot more action???

No--- I'm not planning to go to vegas anytime soon... just that I'm going to really work on being more active and slow down on yapping about shit that I'm not happy about.

that's definitely my biggie resolution this year. others include curbing my profanity, being that Rhena should be talking for real soon, and I really don't want her first words to be "sonofafuckingmotherfucker!!!!!" Probably not so good.

let's see... be more thoughtful to others, be more knowledgeable regarding worldy events and local politics, procrastinate less, and continue to recognize and appreciate the abundance of goodness in my life. yeah... that should work.


So Happy New Year to me, and happy new year to you!!! I'd say more, but my boogie is awake, and I have a package that arrived yesterday to open.....

Note to self

only eating one envelope of apple raisin oatmeal, a caramel creme latte from Dunkin Donuts, some french's fried onions, way too many emerald brownie-glazed walnuts and pecan pie glazed pecans, and topped off with practically an entire bag of cheddar munchies and a diet sprite over the course of one day is NOT a good mix, and will most definitely result in vomiting profusely at 3:30am followed by frequent and violent bouts of diarrhea.

House Bound

Next time your child decides to take your keys and head for the door....

dress them like THIS....

I guarantee they won't be wanting to go very far.***

***No, the glasses are not from Elton John's personal collection... they're actually from Barbie's newest line at Target. Fancy that! (and NO... they're not the jacked-up chemical burn-inducing kind that target used to sell. these just cause blindness when broken and jabbed into a child's eye)

****and YES, I will make my daughter wear the birthday girl hat every day from now up to and including my birthday next week.

*****Also... forcing the hat and sunglasses as a means to keep your child from running away will probably work better with teenagers. Rhena actually seemed to LIKE the hat and glasses....

Mating Season

yup... I said it.

out loud.


MATING SEASON.



I was reading a friend's blog today (while furtively working on finishing my invites to the Christmas Social) and she casually mentioned something about not having very many girlfriends.


SO this, of course.. got me to thinking.


Mating, for people at least... can mean so much to so many different people.

I mean, for me personally... when it comes to mating....I think about when I need to dig out the spoils from my Victoria's Secret stash so I can lure my husband away from work long enough to try to impregnate me. Nooooo... we are not currently trying to get pregnant.... I'm just saying that that's what I think of when I hear the word mating. I think of getting knocked up. pure, unadulterated Discovery Channel stuff.... or maybe a little Animal Planet??? at the very least.... it's primal, it's quick, and we get the job done. Except with fancy panties, of course.


And for all intents and purposes, I'd say a lot of other people think that way too.... I know for a period of about 7 years, my brother and sister-in-law had some furvor to produce every two years or so.... and some other people are like that too... certain amount of time goes by, and tick tick tick... get er done!


Now, mentally stretching back to my single days, I remember this internal yearning I would get each late fall for some semblance of a relationship. Aaah... the holidays with a boyfriend... dare to dream! Well.... actually, come to think of it... I'm lying. I never had a yearning to be in a relationship. I mean, sure, every once in a while it would have been nice to have someone to cuddle up next to, but thinking back, I never really was into that whole relationship thing until a guy or two before troy. Good thing I met him when I did... any sooner, and I doubt we would have lasted a month.

but I digress. my point is that come the Holiday season, in the single world, I know it is common to want to settle down (hunker down??) with someone for the cold weather... then come the spring and summer... with the fresh cut grass and boys not wearing shirts while they play volleyball... well, relationships just seemed futile at that point of the year.

But now... as a mom barely surviving in the blueprint for Stepford.... I see another mating ritual that happens... and it seems quite opposite of the Singletons (thank you, Bridget Jones). It's a mom-mating season, and by my observations, I think the season is over. In the spring and early summer... mothers and children were EVERYWHERE. Each mom and child perfectly preened and able to do the Queen Elizabeth wave... on every block.. every street... every corner... (wait... not the CORNERS... that was my OLD neighborhood... we don't do corners here...) But you get the point.

Mothers and Fathers with their offspring were just about everywhere you looked, and seemed to be holding an invisible sign that whispered "be my friend".... And as much as I found it utterly charming of what a friendly neighborhood I was living in... I have to admit... it was kind of creepy. But now.... there is a change that hangs in the air. Our weekly playgroup rarely gets a percentage of the original participants... people don't "stop to chat" in the grocery store or on the sidewalk.... heads are down, and the walks have become brisk. Most notably... the waving has damn near stopped.

So this leads me to two theories. One is that people have found out I'm a raging bitch who doesn't hand wash her baseboards and wears clothes from Old Navy and Joyce Leslie instead of Ann Taylor and Neiman Marcus. Maybe someone told someone who told someone who heard it from someone that I don't wash my floors every week, and vacuum even less? Maybe there's a secret coalition out there to take away my pearls and banish me from Stepford????

Maybe. But maybe I'm onto something with the mating thing. I mean... this time of year is BUSY. B-U-S-Y buuuuuusy! I know *I* sure as hell don't want to stop and chat in the grocery store, and dragging rhena's ass to playgroup each week is increasingly difficult when I think of the Christmas shopping I could be getting done instead of watching somone else's two year old double fist doughnuts and break toys while they blow snot on pianos. Jeez... the more I think about it.. staying home with a severe head cold sounds better than playgroup some days!!

Maybe I'm sending off a signal that says "back the fuck off... I probably hate you"... but the thing is... I've DONE that before, and it doesn't work. Remember... I'm from Jersey... I've got that look down pat! But nope... southern folk eat that shit up.... must be all the BBQ they eat... I think they're something in BBQ that draws southern folk to bitchy notherners.

but whatever it is... I'm still putting my bets on the seasonal thing. which is pretty funny. I mean, not funny hah-hah.... but funny ironic in that in the midst of the Season that is supposed to be about goodwill and happy horseshit and glad tidings... this commune of happy that I live in is hunkering down and avoiding people like the flu.

oh well. I was thinking about wearing my pearls to playgroup this wednesday, just to test the waters.... but this week is already cancelled due to lack of interest.


Guess I'll take that time to go food shopping. I suppose it would be nice if I actually had something to cook on thanksgiving.


have a great weekend, gang!

Season Check

ok, ok... due to some minor complaints of how early I've begun my Christmas attack on this blog....


I'm posting this VERY AUTUMN picture of Rhena to prove I know what season it is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have more presents to wrap.

fa la la la laaaaaa...... la la la laaaaaa.

Jingling Baby

I TOLD you it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!!!


Turns out playgroup was cancelled today... so me and boogie are going shopping. (I know, I know... Boogie and I... Boogie and I are going shopping....) Time to knock off that list and maybe buy a turkey so we can eat like savages next week.


Hope all is well with you, and don't forget to vote in this week's match-up.


and one final side note... today is my brother Derek's birthday..... every year on his birthday, I'm fluttered with many emotions. First and foremost... utter amazement of just how OLD he is getting... second... that he's survived this long without causing TOO much worldly harm... and finally.... HAPPY ANTICIPATION knowing thet MY birthday is only 2 weeks and a day away... hooray!

Happy birthday, big bruddah. you know I love you.....

peace out, kiddies.... time to SHOP!

Shooting at God

Last night in my CCD class, we were reviewing the 10 commandments with my second grade class. At first I thought I'd be sweating through the questions regarding adultery and coveting neighbors' wives and goods etc... but the big one they fixed on last night was killing. They all understood that it's wrong to kill someone, but then the questions and "what if" scenarios began. What if you're being attacked and someone is hurting you and you try to protect yourself and they die? What if you're starting a race and your gun shoots somebody? Are all soldiers going to the bad place???

wow. the first two examples were pretty easy.. after all, accidents happen and they use blanks to start races..... no... not corks... they're just blank bullets that make noise but have no projectile. No... when you hold the gun up in the air to start the race, it's not a sin. What? no... God doesn't think you're shooting at Him.. it's a race. it's ok.

But the war talk started. I can honestly say I wasn't prepared to answer these kids. How do I teach "thou shall not Kill" without taking away the honor of all the millions of soldiers whom have fought for and defended my freedoms? So slowly... carefully... we proceeded.

I told the children that being in the Armed Services is a job. And as long as they are following the orders in which they are given, then they are not going to go to the Bad Place, even though some people might die. That whomever CREATED the war was to blame, not the people affected by it.

The kids seemed to understand enough that killing is wrong, but they were definitely hedging on the grey areas. I guess I was, too. How can I proclaim that killing is wrong, yet selfishly enjoy all the freedoms which have been fought for so I may enjoy? I mean... how the hell (I mean BAD PLACE) do you answer a question like that????

In the end, I said some metaphors and examples of situations which *sort* of quelled their questions... but it definitely left me with questions of my own. Of course... I didn't have much time to dwell on my own thoughts in class, cause then another child asked about killing turkeys for thanksgiving, and if we eat turkey are we saying it's ok to kill animals.


I glazed over that one real quick by telling the child that some people believed that, which is why they only eat vegetables, and that's a personal choice for each of us to make.... then changed to the next commandment.

between you and me, though.... when it comes to meat... well.... sorry Tom Turkey.... but if you care to discuss my thoughts on the topic more, I'll invite you over to my house for dinner on the 24th....

Monday's Match-up....

ok... so according to last week.... the general populous of readers here tend to lean towards the bread. Not saying that a good portion of you don't enjoy the red stuff.... just when push comes to shove... y'all want carbs. I personally would have had to vote for stuffing, too (or DRESSING... thanks, Carlotta). I don't think I've ever eaten cranberry sauce with the exception of having it spread on a chicken and brie pizza. (very good, btw... spread the cran sauce over a boboli or the likes... top with grilled chicken and brie cheese. Bake til cheese melts. perfect for an appetizer for a large group. yum!)


Anyways......... this week, I present yet another Holiday dilemma. LIGHTS.


In my unending quest to be the first recipient of the Nobel "getting Shit Done" Prize.... I started decorating the house for Christmas this past weekend. So far, things are coming together quite nicely. Tomorrow I plan on 'fluffing' the tree (it's a fake one and looks a bit mushed after being in a box all year) and hanging the lights.

Now I know how *I* want my lights to look.... but what gets YOUR chesnuts roasting??? This week... for fear of one of my relatives making a racially inappropriate comment... we'll leave the color of said lights up to you. What I really need to know is...

BLINKING

or

NON-BLINKING

Now if you're one of the three people who still have your bubbling lantern lights from the 50's.... you should just say Blinking, and go back to eating your TV dinners and waiting for the fire department to show up for your hazard-ridden tree.

so which shall it be, gang???? I find it utterly intriguing as to what really makes the season bright for you. Again... for your tree.. I don't care if you prefer colored or white lights.... I'm more curious if you're a blinker or solid-glow.

so without further ado....

ding, ding.....

Keep on Truckin'

yeah... so once again, life imitates art, or art imitates life.... whichever the saying is.


I think right now my life is feeling a bit like a Monet... you know... from a few yards back, it looks all great and pretty, but when you get all close it looks a bit fuzzy and out of shape?

yeah... Monet.. party of one??? My table is now available!



but alas.... as BJ and the Bear and other various super-smooth characters from the 70's proclaimed with ease... I shall "keep on truckin'.... " .... I just wish I knew where I was going.

I guess what I mean to say is... lately I've been busy in a don't-feel-like-I'm-getting-anything-done kind of way. Neglect has been the word of the day since about last Friday or so... but yet I've been busy every day and literally crash exhaustedly each night when it's time for bed.

perhaps I just have a case of the 80-percents. You may not have heard this terminology before, but I know you know what it is. it's when you've got a shitload of stuff going on, and you've been working on all of said shitloads... and I mean busting-your-ass-every-day-really-WORKING on those loads of shit.... but each day you wake up, you still have those loads to work on. NOTHING IS COMPLETE. Ergo, you're left feeling like each day is a complete burn-out, as you continue to spin your wheels and nothing gets crossed off your list.

Don't get me wrong.... I know what the problem is... I have too much shit going on. I should just strap my A.D.D. ass down with some duct tape and focus on one thing at a time... but whoever came up with that plan obviously did not have a toddler toodling around... much less a toddler like Rhena.

At the very least... The basic shit of this house is getting done. Laundry, cooking, (some) cleaning, feeding, changing, showering, sleeping.... but that needs to be done every day, and that indeed does take up about 80% of my day. That's on the list eternal. Therefore.. in my free time... I'm left to do everything else.

Let's just say I'd pay at least a dollar to see Superman be so damn "super" if he had to take care of a kid and husband all day. fucker.

Again... I've said this before, and I'll say it 1000 more times... I love my job. I love my boogie, and I appreciate that I have the 'cush job' of staying home with my child. (sorry... I'm still holding on to a teeny bit of bitterness for the people that think staying at home is easy) No... letting go of the bitter... seriously... I'm fucking lucky. I know this. We are financially in a position that affords me to stay home and raise our child in a matter which is important to my husband and I. Actually... strike that. I'm not lucky. WE WORKED FOR THIS. This is not luck.

Troy and I both worked to get where we are today. We have scrimped. we have saved. we have moved away from our families to get better incomes and move to lower cost-of-living regions. We took extra jobs. we paid off our credit cards. we forego little luxuries like me getting my hair done every 4-6 weeks, and trade for every 4-6 months. We bought our house figuring on Troy's income alone, even when we were both working full time, knowing that some day, whether through birth or adoption, that we would be raising a child, and I would not be working.

So no... I'm not LUCKY to be staying at home. This is my and my husband's choice. (side note... we HAVE been fortunate enough to receive help and support from our family and friends in some or various capacities ((emotional, physical, financial)) at every stage of our lives, so yes... I do acknowledge that there has been some luck/fortune involved with us getting to where we are today.) Hmmmm... so much of letting go of the bitter! HAH!!!

so AGAIN... before I digress any further.... yes. I love my job, I love my life. I just have a ton of shit going on right now. My in-box is full, so to speak.


But that's all fine and dandy. Right now I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, but at the rate I'm going, with this get-a-little-bit-of-everything-done-each-day plan.... December should have me up for a Nobel Prize. There *is* a Nobel Prize Category for "Getting Shit Done", right???????

Definition of a Clusterfuck

no... I'm not going to actually DEFINE the word clusterfuck to you... but can I TELL you that some people really need to get their shit together???

I mean... let's face it. not everyone is a good leader. As much as it's fun watching people get 'fired' or find out who just isn't "a good fit"... no one really needs the Don or Martha to tell us who sucks ass at being a leader. unfortunately... sometimes it's just painfully obvious.


now last night struck a chord with me in particular. Not sure if I told you all or not, but I've been volunteering as a second grade teacher for the religious education (CCD) program at my church. SO last night was a class night.

Turns out that a mysterious 'letter' went home to some parents but not others. Said letter mentioned how last night would be a presentation for both the children and their parents regarding appropriate 'touching' for in the home and life in general. Imagine the surprise when little Johnny's mother shows up with her other toddlers in tow, to drop little Johnny off, only to find out that they indeed were NOT free for the next hour or so, and they were to stay with Little Johnny (and subsequent screaming toddlers) for the next hour in an already crowded room. Let's just say there were A LOT of pissy parents.

Now, for some people... an hour is not a lot of time. meetings run late... traffic can stall your journey...the doctor or dentist that keeps you waiting an extra half hour past your appointment time in the waiting room even though you show up 20 minutes BEFORE your scheduled appointment like they requested.... in fact, I know for sure that a MINIMUM of an hour of each of my days is wasted on something beyond my control.

But on this one, I think I have to side with the parents. I mean... I will gladly devote all 24 hours of my day to my child if needed. but if I KNOW I have a one hour break from said child, and this is a regular and scheduled event... imagine my dismay if I get blind-sided with this when walking through a door on a monday evening. now... I know I know... sometimes accidents happen, so you, as a parent, need to be prepared at any hour.... but the point is... not all of the parents got letters saying what the plan was for the evening... and NONE of the teachers were notified.....

I suppose this is what pissed me off the most... cause as little Johnny's teacher, I am the one the parent comes running to the first time they have an issue or question. now if *THEY* don't know what's going on, and *I* don't know what's going on... and the 'organizers' of said program are nowhere to be found... well.... it just doesn't make for a good time.

Eventually, everything got worked out, but not without a number of firey tempers to be smoothed. I mean... in the grand scheme, I suppose this is really no big deal, but given the fact that this is the second instance of a 'program' that was scheduled for the parents and their children and I as their teacher did not receive any knowledge of said programs until afterwards or the day of... well, it makes for a pretty frustrated teacher.

oh well... I sent an e-mail requesting that they at least include the teachers on any communication that goes home to the parents. I mean... the directors want of copy of everything WE send home... fair is fair, right?

I still haven't heard back yet, so we'll see what happens. All I know is that there's two big 'events' coming up for my class this year... the kids will make their first Reconciliation and First Holy Communion... two pretty important Sacraments to us Catholics. If the communication continues to be as bad as it was last night throughout the year.. clusterfuck won't even be HALF the description that will be needed.

It's beginning...

to look a lot like a match-up!!!

actually, my house is beginning to look more and more like a war zone, but hey... the holidays are upon us, so I can't see why this year would be any different for me.


That's right... I've begun not only the regular preparations for Thanksgiving/Christmas... but I've hit my stride with preparation's for this year's Christmas Social. The Save the Date announcements are almost all created and delivered..... I've begun working on the favors... and have been mentally doing the layouts for the actual invites. Still to do are the rules for the gift exchange, the actual creation of and delivery of the invites, determine and buy the grand prize for the gift exchange... send my in-laws ' birthday gifts (late since beginning of October.. ugggg) start writing our Christmas cards, buy Christmas presents, buy a turkey and all the food stuff.... ummm.. and what else?? oh maybe SLEEP?????


It's just really difficult to find the zen of the impending holidays when it's been in the upper 70's all week. QUITE the change from the frigid brown state of Nevada we were in last year. I mean... I realize there are some people out there that DESPISE the holidays... so they just never ever get into the mood-slash-spirit... but I'm not one of those people. I eat this season UP!!! ahh.... too many thoughts to write about here regarding that... but anyways...

THE MATCH-UP!!!


I figured with all the world shifting in high gear towards the next month and a half... I might as well, too.


so today... I ask you, my dear readers... to answer a deep... IMPORTANT question.....

which kicks more ass????

STUFFING

or

CRANBERRY SAUCE

I know... this may be an easy one for each of you to answer... but globally... I'm really curious which would be the preferred side dish to your thanksgiving meal. Mind you, I didn't say turkey, cause I respect those of you out there that just chomp on veggies for fun.

So whatever it is that stuffs your gourd this month... which is your preferred condiment/accompaniment with dinner??

important shit, here, people.... I gotta know!


DING DING!!!!