If you're ghetto and you know it, clap your hands!

I am full on APPLAUDING over here.


I know. I AM GHETTO. I am SO GHETTO in so many ways.... go ahead and ask around... I'm sure any person that knows me could come up with at least ONE example of how I am ghetto. but I'll save you that trouble and offer up some of my better moments in a friendly round of "Have you ever...."


so.. without ado, I ask you, dear reader....

Have you ever -

• smuggled travel sizes of vodka, a knife, sugar packets and lemons into club so you could do 'free shots' in the bathroom?
  
• used the same make-up pencil as a brow liner, EYELINER, AND lip liner?
  
• pretended you were pregnant when in actuality you were walking slow because your 'bump' was really 4 opened cans of beer that you wanted to bring back to your seats in a concert and not chug in the beer garden? (fyi.. this works very well if you also have a friend that is willing to flirt unmercifully with the beer garden security as you try to wobble by unnoticed...)
  
• been in church with your two kids by yourself with no diaper bag, have your youngest make a gigantic poop, go to the bathroom, pluck the poop out, flush it, and put the diaper back on him? Did you also stick an apple-scented antibacterial wipe in between his pants and diaper hoping the people around you wouldn't smell the trace poop/skid marks left on the diaper?
  
• use an iron (as in CLOTHES IRON) to straighten your hair? (ok.. I've actually never done that but my college roommate in the dorms used my iron to straighten HER hair and I haven't gotten over it. I mean.. SERIOUSLY!)
  
• refuse to pay $20 for a pair of shoes for your daughter's halloween costume because you could spray paint a pair she already has? ok, maybe that's not so much ghetto as frugal... but still.. it's not like we can't afford the $20 shoes.
  
• poured 'store brand' V-8 juice into the V8 container because your husband will only drink brand name juices and you know there's no WAY on this green earth that he can tell the difference?
  
• stayed at the IP, prefunked, or had the buffet at Spearmint Rhino? (believe me.. if you have... I don't need to explain this one!)
  
• bought your daughter (and let her WEAR) boys' underpants because she liked Thomas the Train so much, and saved them so your son can wear them some day now that she's outgrown her love for Thomas?

anyways.. I'm sure I could go on, but I actually need to spend the rest of today's nap time putting another coat of red glitter spray paint on rhena's old shoes.


happy weekend, gang!

Little Finger

ok.. so much for my blogging break.. seems like whenever I actually acknowledge that I'm not blogging is when I have the urge to post.

oh well. and so is my life.



so today.. we had to take a trip up to the lumber yard.. for one, to take a look at the composite samples for our deck re-do we're planning. two.. to pay for the materials.


so yeah, no biggie. just another errand. of COURSE this means that I must have the kids in tow with me, so I tried, like I usually do.. to make this errand THE. MOST. EXCITING. THING. EVER!!!!!


by the time we left the house, Rhena was frothing a little at the idea of going to a LUMBER YARD!!! She told me no less than five times that she's never been to a bumber nard and she hopes she doesn't get wet. cause if she gets wet then she'll have to change her clothes and did we bring extra clothes momma?


This lumber yard, like many other businesses in the south, was a smaller, local distributor. well, not SMALL-SMALL... but not big-box like home depot or lowes. Small and Local in the south means old men work there. or old ladies, depending on the case, I suppose.


well, from the minute we rolled up, a certain gentleman named John was taken with Rhena. could be that she said "well, HELLO sir.. I'm BERRY happy to be here at your bumber nard." (Lumber Yard, Rhena.. Lumber Yard.) "oh yeah, sorry. wumber yard. It's BERRY nice here. can we go in??"

I kid you not, John introduced us to everyone that worked there. we got to see forklifts. we saw their storage racks. we saw every office within the main building. John was certainly pleased with his new friends and guests, and at one point he even had rhena telling each new worker how she spells her name. "Get a load of that, Frank? she can spell her name! I bet she might be smarter than you, Frank! Yeah, You're a smart girl, Rhena, yes you are!"


Rhena left the business with four pencils, two note pads, some candy and some new friends.

*I* left the place paying 5% less than my contractor told me I would, and a promise that they wouldn't deposit my check until I receive the materials on site next thursday.

sometimes.... it's good to be me.



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We're So ALIKE

in keeping with the "I have no shame" monday theme... I figured I'd share this picture.

I mean... nothing says "I need to marry this guy" like getting troy in a dress, false eyelashes AND letting pictures be taken.

yes. we are definitely meant for one another.

_____




(and yes.. apparently in addition to my past affliction for half shirts, I also had a thing for cleavage. in my defense, though.. it went well with the hat.)




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rockin' around the clock

1, 2, 3 o'clock rock. 5, 6, 7 o'clock STOP!

people.. the poor sleeping has returned. between danny and rhena, I seem to be catching the hour hand on just about every number each night.

As I have mentioned before, Danny's got like 800 teeth coming in. so that in itself has had him not sleeping well. (and drooling and chewing on everything... and suddenly a food critic? the boy who eats anything off the floor is handing food back to me and saying "DAH!" I don't know what HE means by "DAH!", but I hear it as "please let's play the pass food back and forth game for the next half hour to forty minutes until I finally finish this delectible lunch/dinner you worked so hard to prepare especially for me, my sweet loving and oh-so-hip mother!")

around last week, I noticed that what's been coming OUT of the boy is strangely much softer than what's going IN him. and more yellow. and far smellier. (read.. he's had the mustard-yellow poops.) and while it's NOT quite the runs... it's about the consistency of toothpaste (now THERE'S a visual! AAACK!)

I figured it had something to do with all the excess drool from the tooth production... but saturday Rhenie woke up with the drip. as in nose drip. so perhaps mooser was fighting off something last week? a something that seems to be now winning out cause now Danny's nose has been leaking as well.

As for Rhena.. in addition to walking around like Sheldon was in last week's Big Bang Theory... (no really.. the resemblance is uncanny) she, too, is waking up in the middle of the night. and climbing into our bed where she proceeds to sneeze, roll over, sniffle, and ask for water intermittently every other half hour.

so anyways.. that's what's been shaking over here. getting ready for wicked on wednesday night, and troy and I have a date on thursday. so hooray for that!

tomorrow's my morning to work out. bleh! I wouldn't even call it working out at this point. more like "looking like an elephant on a treadmill". but that's alright. we all have to start somewhere, right? anyways.. gotta gear up a playlist to keep the legs moving tomorrow. last week I worked the black-eyed peas and beyonce. I think tomorrow I'll reach deep in the archives and pull out some classic techno. you know.. back in the days when I wore outfits like this and wasn't NEARLY as embarrassed as I am now just looking at it.

yes.

yes I DID.

but the point is that I DON'T any more, and my hair has fully recovered from all that over-processing. and those clothes and furniture are safely back in the garbage with the rest of the 90s.

Playing Games

ok. if I HAVEN'T said it already, or if you are slow to the chase and haven't figured it out... I have issues.


this whole weight-loss competition I have going with Troy is a BITCH.


I say this because Troy disappears at will to spend time at the gym sweating away whatever evils he might have consumed during the past week.


me on the other hand.... well... if I want to lose weight, I cry. (water weight, right?) or drink lots of coffee so I can shit like a man... which usually ends up with me just crying FASTER... due to the caffiene.


I say most of this in jest. I'm actually getting back into the WW zone. I've come to accept my fate of smaller portions being the healthier option for a person my age and size. or rather, what my size SHOULD be. bleh. to be a few inches taller and 10 years younger!!!


anyways.. I lost last week. the weekly challenge that is. I mean, yes, I lost my standard point-six pounds... but troy definitely lost more weight... so I got bathroom duty. I'm not even going to talk about how I got bleach on new pants while cleaning the bathrooms yesterday.. cause any PRACTICAL person would NOT wear new pants while scrubbing toilets... so yeah. not going there.


I'm ALMOST feeling good about tomorrow's weigh-in, though. knowing troy, he'll bust out with like a 3 pound loss, but as of right now, I think I might break my point-six cycle. after eating breakfast (quiche and coffee), and weighing myself fully dressed (with a sweater, jeans and SHOES on) I am only up point-four pounds from last week's weigh-in. SURELY tomorrow when I wake up, empty the bladder and wear my lightest-fabric pjs... I will be lighter on the scale.


of course... I also plan to add extra cheese to the burrito I'll make for troy when he gets home from the gym. cause you know... every little bit helps. :)

oh, and did I say that this week's loser has to do ALL of the laundry for one week? washed, folded, AND put away? I know this is something I usually do anyway.. but the idea of troy having to do it... and I mean a good solid week's worth.. not just the one or two loads a month he does... well... call me evil.. but that just sounds delicious.


I thought about if I won that I would leave all my laundry scattered around the bedroom and closet and bathroom like he does, and make him go on a daily scouting mission so our son does not start chewing on dirty undergarments (GAG!)... but I will be a good winner (if I win). I WILL put all my clothes in the hamper where they belong.

and if I lose... well... balls to that. I really am hoping to win this week. maybe I'll use the full-fat sour cream in his lunch, too. no. extra cheese. definitely extra cheese. between the fat, calories, and the possible bonus of constipation... I really stand the chance to win this week.


stay tuned for tomorrow's results!

Loving Love

yeah, boyeeeeee!!!


ok... do I really need to say more???


I know.. SUCH a train wreck, but man, I DO love this show.

Stalker!!

ok.. maybe STALKER is a little too strong of a word.... but I do love a strong beginning.





so let's see... if not stalking.. then.. voyeurism? what exactly would you label observing someone in a publicly accessible area when they might not be aware of you observing them? lurking?





anyways.. once again, troy was working last night. he came home so we could go to the lumber store to view the samples of composite woods, as well as the three main brands of composites... (which, btw... when your husband coming home early means he comes in at 6pm.. you MIGHT want to check to see if the lumber store is even OPEN at that time first by calling ahead, versus going all the way there to see it dark and locked up.)



ok. so whatever. get home after an unsuccessful mission, then troy goes back to work. well.. the other job. ANYWAYS.



so since every now and then I hold a soft spot for the workhorse.. I promise not to watch our common favorite shows until he's home and we can watch them together. so SINCE I couldn't watch American Idol (no spoilers, please... I still haven't watched it) I figured what the heck.. might as well play call of duty.



so I did, and during one session, I got grouped into a particular group of people. one happened to be a girl. now.. if you're at ALL familiar with these online shoot-em-up games... you'll know MOST players are either teenage boys or tech nerds like my husband. so imagine the testosterone a'flyin when these boys realized it was a GIRL playing.



OH the flirting that was happening... I nearly laughed out loud. well, I SUPPOSE it was flirting. the girl was all "oh, HOORAY!! I shot someone! hee hee hee" and "oh no no no!! not fair! I'm re-loading! you can't shoot me! no fair! hee hee hee"



EVERYTHING this girl said ended in some form of giggle or cheer. on ONE hand, it made me want to stab my ears with pencils... but on the other.. I couldn't stop listening to the 'show'.





about three 'games' later.. one of the guys asked her how old she was. 20 was her response... though I'm betting she was probably younger. cause if she was really 20, she would have lied and said she was 21. I remember. I used to be that age once, too.



anyways.... when you play those kind of games.. you see trends. most of the time, you get one or two talkers... but EVERY TIME a girl is playing.. the guys come out of the woodwork, and the guys stay on for the longest time.



I SORT of felt guilty for listening the whole time, but hey.. they were in a public place... what they choose to say is fair game for listening, right? of course, I had a good time snickering at how immature the whole scenerio was... and had fun telling troy all about it. He asked me if I piped up and said anything... so of course I said no. I was worried that if they knew I was listening that they might change what they were talking about, and I was having a good time just watching the show.



not sure exactly what I was hoping for. a juicy morsel? scandal? that's doubtful in last night's case... but I know I've been guilty of gawking before in many other situations. I'm going to try to work on that during Lent this year.



of COURSE it'll be much easier to stop lurking once the writers' strike gets settled. DAMN I miss my shows.





speaking of shows.. SO HAPPY that Lost is back on tonight. oh, but troy will be working late again, so I'll have to wait another night for lost. sigh.





that's it. I'm gonna start putting chick ficks in my netflix queu.



(ps.. pardon the spelling errors. spell check is not working, and I don't feel like going back to edit.)

Fright Night

ok.. so if you ever catch yourself living in stepford, and attending a halloween-themed bunco... it is entirely acceptable to dress as a cat.



Might I warn against sticking silver skull confetti in front of your front teeth and trying to pose all ganstah, though....





you'll just end up looking like a retarded bunny. (retarded bunny dressed like a cat, that is...)