Friday, August 31, 2007

...and in the end...

SO here we are... it's the end of august.

This month was very special for me; I took a LOT of time to look within, and to take a hard look at my external activities as well. Turns out some stuff was matching up, and other stuff wasn't.

but hey.. life is about learning, right??

Things I've learned this month (in no particular order)

1 - you HAVE to pick your battles. One thing that 9 months of no sleep will do is make you realize that you need to be selective in where you spend your energy. I've intentionally let some balls drop this summer, and let some others bounce away in faith that if sent to the right direction, they will indeed bounce back when the time is right. metaphorically speaking, of course.... I really don't have that much balls... well, LITERALLY I don't. figuratively is a different story. but I digress.

2 - SOMETIMES when you ignore shit.. it goes away. SOMETIMES it gets worse. Whether talking about relationships or Danny's inability to sleep through the night, I definitely recognize now that I can't expect things to happen on their own. ok.. so maybe this is a tangent of picking your battles and applying energy, but I'm finally knuckling down and treating Danny's non-sleeping as an issue that deserves proper attention. either way.. the whole scenario leads me to another learning point, which is...

3 - You have to know when to ask for help. who knew?? turns out that when you actually get rid of preconceived notions of having been somewhere before and expectations of knowing how to do something, and just admit that you're fucking up and ASK for help... you can get it. or the walk....

holy motherfuckercrackerbags..... I GOT HELP!!!

shortly before my cousin Rachel's birthday, we hit 100% of the fundraising goal for the Breast Cancer walk I'm doing. and then we went past it. What a wonderful gift that was for me to 'give' to her. for YOU to give to her. and how appropriate that as she begins another year of her life, she can do so with the knowledge that SO MANY PEOPLE donated to a cause that believes that she CAN and WILL have many many more birthdays.

well... there's probably a lot more I learned, (like walking 3 miles on a hilly route with a 20 pound baby strapped to you and pulling a 28 pound 3 year old in a wagon is MUCH harder than it looks) but I'm not gonna divulge everything. Gotta play dumb on SOME stuff so the expectations aren't always too high, ya know?

but I must thank you all. for everyone that donated, for everyone that shared a kind thought.... thank you.

of COURSE... the battle is never over. Yes... we hit my fundraising goal, but there's many other walkers out there. So on the off chance that you DID want to contribute to me but didn't get a chance to yet.. please don't. please consider supporting one of the many other millions of walkers out there...

especially my girlfriend Denita... who is doing the Susan G Komen 3-day walk in Seattle


the lovely Hanni... who's doing the Komen Race for the Cure in Houston.

but seriously... to all of you who did SO MUCH.... thank you. And hey.. rest up; I'm going to be carrying you all in my heart every step of the way in October!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Not about the days anymore

so if any of you have clicked on my donation/walker page, you'll know that I talk about one percent a lot.

Today is no different.

Today, I'm making it a point to sit my ass down at this computer and say that I'm looking for one percent...

cause that's how far away we are from the fundraising goal.

as of right now, all monies raised/pledged total $1775 dollars.... just a mere $25 dollars short of my goal. Just a little over one percent.

I have gotten money from friends.. from family, from friends of friends and friends of family, and family of friends of family. yeah. talk about being appreciative. One of my friends made a donation even though her husband has been out of work for a month.

I will be DAMNED if I don't walk all 39.3 miles. How can I not???

For the generosity and the complete outpouring of support... I just can not imagine what I was thinking by possibly not doing the walk this year. seriously... it's at the point now that my involvement in the walk is bigger than me.

does that make sense?

It's pretty cool, to be honest.

and pretty frigging intimidating. I mean.. I walked 3 miles yesterday morning with danny strapped to my chest and pushing rhena in the steel box of a stroller we have... and I was huffin and a puffin. Granted it WAS like a trillion degrees outside, and Danny DOES resemble a large thawed turkey (20-pounder.. at least!!) so that made the walking a little harder... but phew!

let's just say it's a damn good thing I didn't have to do THAT walk 13 times yesterday. I would not have made it.

but like Rocky.... I'm getting stronger, and the walks... they keep getting longer. ok, so maybe only the getting stronger part was like rocky, but you know what I mean.


$25 dollars to go.



for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Day 16 - two words

ok, things have been hectic in these parts: being in Illinois, coming back, detoxing the kids, and now my folks are here. I feel like a laundry mat, but the house is clean.

so.. until I can get a chance to sit and catch my breath.. I have 2 words:


ok.. more is coming soon... I just had to share.


for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Day Eight - Middle of the Road

So I'm finally connected here at the inlaws. well, actually, I got connected a few days ago, but Troy has been monopolizing the laptop for work, and beings how he brings in the money that pays the bills... he gets the laptop by default.

but what a reflective past few days it's been.

So driving out here to the midwest really opened my eyes to what middle-america is really like. Not that I believed that everyone lives in their version of stepford, but you see enough cornfields and dilapidated barns and adult bookstores (with ARCADES!) right next to some holy roller evangelist churches with like 3 or 10 huge crosses out front to remind the adult book (and ARCADE!!!) buyers how sinly they are to kinda wake you up and realize that maybe John Cougar Mellencamp might have been a better penner of our national anthem?

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to cash in the home-owners-association-approved split-rail fences and move to this wonderland where roadside produce stands run on the honor system, and the locals bleed red, white, and blue.... no... I'd much rather hang with my house-puking bunco hens than Jeb and Cleetus and Sally Jo. But it's good to step out of my norm every now and then.

I think that's what the walk has been making me do, too. well, no... actually, I *KNOW* it's making me step out of my norm.

When it comes to pretty much most topics... I'm a middle of the roader. I like my ability to be able to see and argue both sides of pretty much anything. And perhaps this ability to view many angles prevents me from being very vocal about my beliefs. Strike that... we all know my ass is vocal about everything... I just mean that as much as I like to spout off about shit.. I'm not trying to change the world. I'm just an ego-centric girl from jersey who likes to talk to anyone who'll listen. But I'm not about to tell people they're wrong for what they think.

now again... This does not mean I'm failing to recognize my innate ability to roll my eyes and call people fat assed white trashed negligent pig farmers for the slightest infraction such as talking on a cell phone instead of minding their child.... yes. I AM judgemental. and I DO spout off about how stupid I think many many people are. but I do NOT claim that those folks are wrong for their stupidity. I just like to call it as I see it.. you know... without coming right out about who's right or wrong... though I'm sure if you've made it this far y'all know I'm always right....

but that's besides the point.

my REAL point is that doing this whole breast cancer walk is forcing me to step out of my middle-world-comfort-zone and champion a cause. you know... TELL people about it. and then tell MORE people about it. and then, of course... ask them to help me.

gah!! WHY is the last part so difficult???

Here, in my private audience of blinking coursers and faceless readers, I can say whatever the hell I want. and in my little bubble of never-rejected, I can pretend that the people that don't donate just might not know about the walk or my blog, or are already involved with a walk of their own. you know... middle-of-the-road. I'm doing my part by blogging about it.. but there's really no risk of rejection here. more than nothing, but definitely not commensurate of the effort I should be putting forth for something I feel so strongly about.

So the GOOD news is that (on the subject of middles) ... the donations have surpassed the 50% mark. I'm still beside myself. Really... when I think of how much has been put up so far by so many.. and so QUICKLY!!!! seriously... one week in and already halfway there!!!!

The bad news, or at least in my mind... is now is where the hard work begins. I have to step out of my comfort zone and really show my shit. well, not like show-me-your-shit-mardi-gras-style... but now is when I have to face the people I've sent e-mails to about the walk and ask them what they thought, being that they never responded.

But maybe that was a mistake I made. by sending the e-mail, I gave people an out. delete, delete, delete.... I can think that hotmail screwed up my outgoing message, and they can pretend they never saw it. avoid, avoid, avoid.

SO anyways.. my long and drawn out point is that I recognize I've been safely playing in the middle of the road, and like the chicken... it's time I crossed the road. I just hope that when I finally stick my neck out, that I don't choke.


for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Friday, August 03, 2007

Day Three - Rising Again

For once, I am not talking about Danny's inability to sleep through the night. (though, as 'luck' would have it.. he was up every hour on the hour last night.... gotta love that right before a big road trip!)

but I digress.

As a Catholic, one phrase that you always hear is "On the third day, He rose again..."

as I was getting my coffee ready today, I started thinking about what I would blog about. Third day, third day... I thought. instinctively, my mind kept finishing with "He rose again". must be the CCD teacher in me?

either way... the phrase "He rose again" got me thinking.

As a Catholic, I believe that we all rise again.. or at least our souls do... to some form of eternal glory or damnation. (or stagnation, cause I do believe in the idea of purgatory)

And while I know that this premise of an afterlife is not an idea shared by everyone, I can't help but think that it does provide some form of hope for women suffering from, or the loved ones of women suffering from Breast Cancer.

cause given the shit they go through... there's GOTTA be something better.

BUT... this isn't CCD class, so I'm not going to go into religious theories.

so to keep with the idea of rising again.... as of this morning, the donations keep coming in... and I'm SO PROUD to say that we're 43% towards our goal. FORTY THREE PERCENT!!! after TWO DAYS!!!!! This is truly phenomenal... plain and simple.

I'll be offline for a day or two; we're driving up to Illinois to see Troy's folks for a week.

While I'm gone... please take a look at the TRIBUTE BOOK on the Avon website.

if I ever had any doubt of spirits rising, seeing the memorial after memorial assures me that those souls are VERY much alive in the hearts and minds of those left behind.


for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Day Two - Overwhelmed

So yesterday was very emotional for me.

The sheer act of 'breaking the seal' so to speak was exhausting. I mean.. I spoke about the nerves-slash-discomfort of asking people for money... but the PRESSURE!!

I mean.. how do I find the right words to explain what my heart and soul feel? There's NO DOUBT in my mind that I would have SUCKED ASS if I didn't get married in church and I was forced to write my own vows to Troy. It probably would have read somewhere along the lines of :

"I take you Troy... cause I have to.. I mean I NEED to... cause you are like.. I mean WE ARE .... and so I just need to."

yeah. Me??? not so good with the words.

so yeah. the PRESSURE!!! How do I get my message across without looking like a total ass???

I mean.. for the most part.. fighting breast cancer is a cause that people either feel compelled to get involved with, or they don't. I mean, I don't think anyone would say they DON'T want to find a cure...

but again, I digress.

it's just so very overwhelming.

and now... the donations have started to come in. the donations are starting to come in!!!!!

My main idea is to get as many people as possible to donate just a LITTLE. being a family of four that survives on one income, I know how important the mighty dollar is.. and I know WE sure as hell can't afford to be throwing money at every good cause out there. BUT... I know we can skip our occasional pizza delivery just once and put that money towards something that is important to us.

but that's us, and that's completely besides the point.

I am COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED at the generosity of donations that have started to come in. I got two donations yesterday from people I don't even know!!! And even more from some wonderful people that I only know 'virtually'.

and again.. back to what I said about either supporting a cause or not. I KNOW that people donating has nothing to do with me... but how can I NOT feel overwhelmed with love and appreciation when I become aware of other people that exist in this world?

It's like someone holding a door for you. I KNOW that when someone holds a door for me, it's not because they eyed me up and said.. "ooh ooh ooh... that's Carrie.. I just NEED to hold the door for her!"

Holding a door for someone... as simple as it is.. is in someone's nature or it isn't. It shows a glimpse of their character, just a tiny reflection of kindness for others. And when that happens, I feel good. Sure, it's nice to NOT have to do the "stretch the leg, swing the ass, hold the door, push the stroller swing the ass again" dance.... but I take far greater joy knowing that there exists some decent people in the world that my children are growing up in. Or at least people in this world that are CAPABLE of being decent.

and while I'm not naive enough to think that holding a door or donating to a charity makes someone a good person.. it's the act of CHOOSING to do good that has me all choked up.

So today, I'm sitting back and enjoying the overwhelming feeling of appreciation I have towards all the choices to do good that so many people do every day.


for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here:

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Day One

I used to be a girl scout. As anyone that has pretty much eaten a cookie before... you know that being a girl scout, among other things, means selling cookies.

Now, my memory is pretty foggy, but I do remember selling a LOT of cookies when I was a kid. like a LOT a lot. It was probably more due to my parents' connections with like.. EVERYONE... but as pre-arranged as the purchases might have been, I was always obligated to go through the motions of knocking on each door and mustering up the gumption to ask so-and-so if they would like to buy some cookies.

I never liked it.

Call it an out-of-place gene or SOMETHING, but despite all my hours of working retail and tending bar pushing and pimping this and that product or drink (and doing it REALLY WELL) , I have NEVER been good at fundraising. I KNOW in my head that the two are really not that different...and by all measures I'm a great salesperson... but I just fall flat when it comes to fundraising.

SO for the past two months, I have kept quiet. ok, ok.. more like "for the past two months I have been physically training to do a 39.3 mile walk but I've been paralyzed with fear in terms of telling anyone about it and/or asking for them to contribute to my cause."

but today is different. Day one, right? Today is the first day of a new month, and I have made a vow to myself to no longer keep quiet. to stop being afraid of rejection, and yes.. to ask for help in something I believe in.

let me rewind just a little.

back in May, after seeing my cousin rachel in new jersey... I decided that I did not want to wait another year to get involved in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer that was going to happen here in Charlotte in October. My original thought was to just inquire about it this year, and do it NEXT year, as Danny would probably still be nursing when the 2007 walk would happen, and how would I make that happen... it would be really difficult, and so on and so on.

But then I went home in May and saw my cousin. all thoughts and notions I had about doing something out of convenience for myself were out the window.

Cancer shows no mercy to personal schedules.

Cancer doesn't give a shit if you want to nurse your child.

My cousin, my childhood best friend... for all intents and purposes.. my sister rachel has cancer. She didn't get the option of 'putting it off for another year til things settled down'.

what a small, ugly, selfish piece of shit I felt like.

so that pretty much settled that. With resound, I signed up to be a walker in the Charlotte Walk. I started training. I told one or two people about it, and with each time, I cried. Even now, just thinking about the walk I tear up.

The words escape me to properly describe my feelings about walking for breast cancer... but then again, maybe there never WERE any words. It's kinda just instinctual. and like breathing... I HAVE to walk. plain and simple. I just have to.

So everything is great. I've aligned myself with a cause I feel deeply connected to... but yet... I'm stuck. or rather.. I HAVE BEEN stuck.

new month... new attitude. Day one.

So as short as short can be, or at least as *I* can be... I'm walking in October, and I need sponsors. there. I said it.


Actually, I want for people to want to help. I want people to believe that a greater good will come of monies donated and people unified in a hope for the future. I want people to look at their children or mothers or wives or friends and for them to not know the fear that cancer can create.

But today is only day one.


for more information about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, or to make a donation, please click here: