HIS-story repeating

ok.. I KNOW it's supposed to be HISTORY, but in this case, I do mean HIS story.

let me rewind.


as in any girl's life.. I've had my share of relationships that never quite made it. pick a reason as to why a relationship could fail or not even get started, and I could MOST LIKELY give you the name of a guy that fits the bill.

recently, I've come into contact again with one gentleman that coulda woulda shoulda but never quite did.


Ours was a story of young-ness. I wouldn't quite say love, because now that I AM in love, I look back and see that the elements that were present between us were not love. perhaps it was PERCEIVED to be love at that time.. and for some, that's enough. But today, in my world of Stepford, the Apollo, and all that makes the Fever burn like it does... THAT.. THAT relationship I had back then? THAT was not love.


so yes. ours was a story of young-ness. not necessarily YOUTH, though truth be told I was MUCH younger then. but YOUNG-NESS in that we were both so NEW in many arenas. I had recently left New Jersey, and while being thoroughly supported by my family (emotionally and financially).. I had my first taste of Independence. I was on my own. the freedoms and POWER of my CHOICES I recognized make me delirious even now.

I met a boy. I was smitten. (this is a key element repeated in just about every 'boy story' I have... but it's still important to say.) (I SAY it's important to say because there are about 100 other chapters I could tell about boys who were smitten with ME that I either failed to notice or pretended NOT TO because it would have been too much WORK on my part.)

so yeah. me. smitten.

Him?

meh... not as much. Don't get me wrong. he WAS attracted to me. he DID secretly relish in the doting I did on him. (and I knew this then because he would kiss me when no one was looking.) To me.. the chase was on.

For years I chased. I waited. I sought. I cried. I pretended I didn't care. I would get 'over him' until the next time he came around. Then I would start back over again.

everybody knew what was going on... though they pretended they didn't because on paper, he and I were 'just friends'. Hell, even *I* knew what was going on.. that I was seeking acceptance, love and recognition from someone who did not want to give it to me. DUH! oh well.. what's done is done. (where was that damn book 'he's just not that into you' when i needed it???)


a time finally came for him to move on. literally; he was moving. a particular event caused me to hit my breaking point, and when final goodbyes were attempted, he was met with a venomous spew from me that apparently was festering inside for so long and could no longer be contained. it got ugly. it WAS ugly.

it was SO UGLY, as a matter of fact, that I have actually blocked it from my memory. really; I mean, I KINDA SORTA remember being angry when he was leaving for good... but I don't remember what was said or even the year I said it. it's just kinda in this hazy 'grey' time in my memory.

and it's not that I refuse to remember myself being mean to someone. no.. I know I have been QUITE the bitch a few times in my life. some occasions I remember every detail. and perhaps for a while I remembered every detail of that altercation. but now? I just remember that we left things not so warm and fuzzy, and that I received a note from him a short while after from him saying he wished never to hear from me again.

anyways... that was lifetimes ago. really. three, in particular... as the additions of Troy, Rhena and Danny to my life have changed the way I view my present, past, and future.

So, long story short (I know.. too late!) I reconnected with the gentleman I just spoke of.


(cue dramatic music, right?)

I guess maybe because I'm in SUCH a different place than I was back then. I guess because I DON'T remember things as clearly as I could. and, I guess I tried to reconnect because I recognize that everyone FROM my past helped to shape me to be the woman I am today. and yeah.. y'all know I bitch a LOT on here, but I do SO VERY LOVE my life.

Generally speaking? I remember this gentleman as a friend whom I have SO MANY SHARED memories with. GOOD memories! FRIENDS! LIFE!!! MOMENTS! GOOD moments!!!

I thought since "we's all grown up now" that I would be able to say hi, bury the hatchet, and get along famously going forward, and have our kids be friends and play great music together over dinner like they do in the movies.

(this is where I'm supposed to realize that life is NOT like the movies)

So we e-mail a few times, and it would appear that we're both doing wonderfully now, and we are both truly happy for one another, and all past misgivings on both parts are forgiven (though if you're reading this blog, PLEASE feel free to be immature and take my side and say that there was nothing for him to forgive cause he deserved any earful he finally got after too many years of putting up with his shit) uh. yeah. all is forgiven.


So I EARNESTLY put it out there that I would very much like for us (meaning our families) to be friends going forward. but as I was writing the e-mail recently.. it hit me.

history.. HIS story... was repeating. HE doesn't want to be friends with me!!!


well, I gotta tell ya. I must be dumb as bricks, cause I ALWAYS seem to be the last one to catch the clue when someone doesn't want to be my friend. I'm surprised I even finished the e-mail to him.... cause seriously, the concept came on like a damn floodlight in a closet. He already got what he needed from me.. he got some closure on his past, and now thank you.. he'll be going again. but yet.. here I am.. once again.. chasing after his acceptance.


and for WHAT? it's not like I NEED his acceptance. perhaps my inner Martha craves that 'smooth finish' to everything. Perhaps I crave honkey-doriness and happy endings cause it makes ME look good? maybe the friendship.. a REAL friendship.. would be the closure or ultimate reward for my years of feeling artificial and not important enough?

so anyways.. that was my thought process as I was writing the note to him. But a few days later.. I have a different perspective. or at the very least am back to my original perspective before digging deep and rehashing past thoughts and emotions.


my perspective is this. I can't be friends with everyone. I don't WANT to be friends with everyone. and friends (or people or characters or acquaintances.. whatever you choose to label them) come and go in one's lifetime. At any given time, another person can serve a purpose and/or have a place in an other's life.

sometimes people have a place AND serve a purpose.. sometimes people serve purpose despite NOT having a place in one's life.

This particular guy certainly served a purpose in my life. after my time with him, I never dated a guy again that felt he should comment about my weight, and I refused to date men that tried to keep our relationship a secret. Those are two very big things to me because of that relationship. and believe you me.. despite ALL the dumb shit troy says.. he KNOWS not to say a DAMN THING if I go for a second piece of cake... and he will never NOT recognize me and/or our relationship; regardless of the setting. see? purpose.


anyways... I have yet to hear back from the long-ago beau. It's only been a few days, but I don't think I ever will. Which, really.. on one hand is a shame.. cause I DO think we'd get along famously and our kids COULD be friends. But on the other.. how can I not respect someone else that has the courage to recognize when there just isn't a place for someone in their life?

I know for sure I don't want anyone in MY life that doesn't want me in theirs.



---------------------

speaking of friends!!! get ready for a new music topic!! Mix-tape theme will be up at midnight (EST) and open for contributions!

A World Named Sue

__________

don't forget to leave a comment for next week's mix! it's super easy, and more fun when more people play! Just think of a song that makes you feel STRONG, and leave a comment to tell us what the song is!

___________

.

SO I know some of the topics I'm about to bring up are already old news.. but MAN.


So last night, Troy and I were watching "Dan in Real Life". It was a very enjoyable movie with lots of elements we like. it had subtle and obvious humor, there were life drama and poignant moments, and at its core, it was a love story.

ANYWAYS. the story features Steve Carell as a widower doing his best raising three girls on his own.


When the movie finished, Troy and I did our usual recap discussion, which, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'd know those discussions usually end up going down a variety of tangent paths.

Not quite sure how we got on THIS topic, but we started talking about lawsuits, parenting, and today's society. We discussed that case in Canada where the 12 year old girl took her father to court because she didn't like him punishing her. go ahead.. read the article. I'll wait.


uhhh.. can I get a WTF??? Telling your parent that you are NOT happy with them (rhena), you'll hate them forever (me), or that they're a "murderer of love" (the movie) is one thing... but TAKING THEM TO COURT? because you as a child do not agree with your parent? who was disciplining you for doing something WRONG? And lest we forget these are CHILDREN... children whose feelings change every other nano second.

I know I have personally witnessed a child or two talking back to their parent in such a manner that made ME understand why some people choose to spank their kids. I think my all-time jaw dropper has been "What are you going to do? I'm not afraid of you!" (never MIND that the sentiment is driven from a FEAR-based relationship... I completely feel that is one of the reasons why these kids have no respect for their parental figures. the parentals are not CREATING relationships based on love and respect. they're creating environments of fear and obeying.)

And there's the rub... we as adults and parent are not exactly setting the best examples, are we? Like the case in Sweden where parents are suing a child and his family for not inviting their child to a birthday party. I understand the school refusing to hand out the invitations. I don't AGREE with it, as I grew up in a world where kids didn't get the same number of valentines and flowers and invites in class. But I can buy into the principle that popularity games are a distraction from scholastic business, so keep it out of the classroom. the parents could have EASILY requested mailing addresses and sent the invitations properly. But the business of the parents getting their panties in a bunch saying their sons rights were TRAMPLED cause he didn't get an invitation to a party? (a party for a kid that was not invited to his OWN party?) blugh. seriously.


anyways.. those were only two of the things we were talking about last night. I'm not saying I would prefer to hear that my kids are going to hate me forever... but I'm ALSO not going to bend over backwards every time my child doesn't agree with something or has to face some disappointment in life.

I mean, SURE, I would love to think that my kids can go through life with no disappointments, but without those moments of lows, how can one truly appreciate and see the good when it around them the rest of the times?

House of (not) Representing

so this is just a quickie.. or actually, I suppose it's the OPPOSITE of anything associated to a quickie...


so you KNOW you're married for a long time when you walk from the bathroom, across the room, across the tv and to your bed bare chested, and your husband doesn't look up from the tv..


you know you're married to a republican when you realize the reason your husband didn't look up is because he's watching the O'Reilly Factor.



sigh.

choices

so every day I run across a series of choices to make. inevitably, each choice I make has some impact on the flow and outcome of the rest of my day. I'm sure you're saying "well no SHIT, sherlock.. that's how it is for EVERYONE."


True... that is how it is for everyone. and anyone that has a child knows that the IMPACT of said choices gets exponentially more impactful on a day depending on how many children you have. If you don't believe me.. try choosing to go out to lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a while with a sick child or one that needs a nap. go ahead and make that choice and tell me how things work out.



ANYWAYS... I'm VERY cognizant of my imaginary project timeline and how every milestone is linked to previous actions. take something as small as stopping by a starbucks drive-through for a coffee for myself at 12:20pm. That 5 (if you're lucky) to 10 minutes in the drive through may make or break my entire day. on ONE hand, it will give ME the energy and kill my appetite long enough to drive home, change a diaper, get lunch prepared and served and get everyone down for naps by 1:30 so they get in enough rest (so they're not completely melting down at dinnertime) before they have to wake up by 4pm (no later!) otherwise they'll be up too far past their bedtime (and be completely cranky the next day cause they still get up at 6-6:30am regardless of when they went to bed.)

on the OTHER HAND.. if the drive through DOES take closer to 10 minutes, the kids could fall asleep in the car on the 20 minute ride home and wake up in the driveway THINKING that they've had enough sleep and they refuse to nap which would result in a complete emotional breakdown for everyone under our roof by dinnertime, OR they will be dead to the world upon arrival and then not GET to eat lunch thus waking up from said nap too early from hunger and being completely cranky until bedtime finally arrives..


perhaps my kids and I are just cranky by nature. either way... it's a big balancing act here at the fever, and every decision made is with timelines and personalities in mind. and pooping. we revolve our day around poop a lot, too. but I suppose that could be another post.


Troy, after being at this now for 3 1/2 years, is JUST beginning to understand the BIG PICTURE SCHEDULE. but he's still got a long way to go. I say this because he regularly offers chocolate to rhena AFTER she's brushed her teeth and is already up past her bedtime (= sugar rush = longer to settle for bed = extra time to re-brush the teeth = overtime for momma and did I MENTION I don't get paid overtime???) and many other cases that I'll not get into now.

my point is that every day, choices are made, and consequences are had.


now every once in a while, you get to make those choices that don't necessarily impact the day-to-day flow. Like right now... I'm debating on getting my foot checked, or getting my hair done.


I know... sounds dumb, but I've been mentally listing the pros and cons of each, and I'm kind of at a tie.


if you recall, I dropped that big assed shower door on my foot a few weeks ago. it took well-over a week for the bruise to even APPEAR, but whatever. it finally came and has finally left. The thing is, aside from a slight dent on my foot, it looks and feels better. (DEFINITELY a faster recovery than the big toe debacle, FYI) the problem is... it HURTS like a motherfuckingholyasscrackerBASTARD if you so much as even TOUCH my foot. hmmmm. now, I'm not so sure just HOW LONG the recovery is for a foot that has had a shower door dropped on it, and have been too lazy to google it. (ok, strike that.. I just did. nada, except for this story about another very klutzy person...)

ANYWAYS.. not sure what's normal for the foot. Foot "post-dropping-a-shower-door-on-it", that is. SO. I COULD go to the doctor's. I probably SHOULD go to the doctors'. but the problem is that my foot LOOKS fine. and it IS fine, except, you know... when you TOUCH it. so what will they say? probably tell me to go to the ER and get x-rays. now, up front, that all sounds normal... but you have to remember who I'm married to.

Troy, AKA "I change jobs every 6 months cause I'm a contractor and like finding new places to code my ass off", is, as stated, a contractor, so we're usually in some form of insurance change. in fact, we change insurance policies ON AVERAGE of three times a year. which means that we are ALWAYS starting over when it comes to the deductibles. bottom line.. if I get x-rays, I'm going to have to pay for them. maybe not right away, but I WILL get the bill for $200 dollars or so at THE most inconvenient time.. like right after I've ordered favors for rhena's 4th birthday party. or when her preschool tuition is due. or you know.. mortgage.


and $200 isn't so bad.. it really isn't. but that's a haircut and color for me, people. now.. before y'all judge.. I KNOW I can go out and buy a box of color for MUCH cheaper and do it myself... but I HAVE done that in the past, and believe me.. it does NOT look good on me. my ears always end up a tinted color and I burn my scalp and I miss spots... ugg. just not good. I'd rather grow the roots and pray that my grey (I mean PLATINUM BLONDE) hair stars to come in to make it look like highlights.

so what's my point, what's my point. I suppose nothing, really... just that I'm hemming and hawing on whether to go get my foot professionally looked at or get my hair done.

I know! shallow! dumb! get the foot taken care of, you freakin knucklehead!

but.. the foot. if it IS broken; they can't really do anything for me. At least I don't think they can? and if it ISN'T, then I just wasted the money on getting xrays. and the hair... well... getting my hair done will certainly make me feel better. and not just for the physical appearance upgrade... seriously.. getting out of the house sans kids for a few hours is like ordering a dish of SANITY.

oh, who the hell am I kidding? I know I'm going to get my hair done. seriously-- troy's gone this whole weekend, and after being home all week on lock-down cause we were afraid we might be contagious... momma NEEDS a slice of sanity.


I guess I'm wondering if I bother with the foot. I mean.. I would KNOW if it was broken, right? (hmmm... that's the third time I recall saying that this year for different reasons. I may just be a bit more clumsy than I thought I was.) hmmm. I'll think on it some more.


speaking of thinking.... I was looking at the back of my tongue the other day, and saw these weird spots... But there's this really cool DRESS I was looking at, too.... what's that? oh yeah.. nevermind. I'll be quiet now.



.

We're So ALIKE

in keeping with the "I have no shame" monday theme... I figured I'd share this picture.

I mean... nothing says "I need to marry this guy" like getting troy in a dress, false eyelashes AND letting pictures be taken.

yes. we are definitely meant for one another.

_____




(and yes.. apparently in addition to my past affliction for half shirts, I also had a thing for cleavage. in my defense, though.. it went well with the hat.)




.

New Shirt, New Shoes, Now Serve-Us?

ok.. that was lame. I admit it. but hey.. it's not like we .. ok.. it's not like *I* get out often.

anyways.. thursday night Troy and I had a date. we totally capitalized on my folks being here with the free babysitting, and met up with another couple.

Ever the one to recognize a bargain, I went ahead and used whatever money we would have spent on babysitting, and spent it on myself. (listen.. I don't know how YOUR home economics works, but here at the Fever, I make it work to MY favor.)

on the list to be had was a new shirt.

Then.. I figured I'd need a new pair of shoes. I REALLY wanted these, but because I kinda lost both of my big toes' nails from the Avon walk last October (which, btw.. the second one finally fell off the other day, in case you were wondering) I decided it would probably be better to go with a close-toed shoe. cause really... missing toenails? gross. so yeah. went with these.

anyways... it was a nice night. and I know some of you may be gagging from the abundant use of pink, but I LIKE pink. and I figure worse case scenario, if I wake up next week from this premenstrual hormonal haze and realize that only women over 70 and hookers wear the EXACT SAME SHADE OF SHOE, SHIRT, and PURSE.... well... guess I'll be set for the future.

I also think that the pink helped soften the blow of seeing me EAT EVERYTHING that was put in front of me to the couple we were with (gotta love the first impression I must have made on the wife)... but I could be wrong. but that's probably a whole other blog post now, though, isn't it.

Happy weekend, people. zoo pics/recap tomorrow.

.

Knowing me, knowing you

so last night Troy and I were catching up on some TV time together.


one of the shows we watch is Medium, on NBC. Not necessarily in last night's show, but definitely in this season's storyline is that the husband's mother is seriously ill, and only has a 60% chance of recovering IF she gets a surgery. the short of it is that the mother asks the wife not to tell the son/husband. whoa.


so last night we played our 'what if' game. Troy asked me if I would be mad at him if someone close to me was dying and they asked HIM not to tell ME, on that 60% chance that they do survive.


I told him I would indeed be angry. I mean, sure, I get the idea of not wanting to worry your child with the knowledge that you are going to die, but in MY mind, I would want to spend as much quality time with that person before they did actually pass away.


to me it's a no-brainer, but maybe not for everyone. I mean, obviously some people feel otherwise.. that's why the storyline is plausible.


oh well. I started this thought this morning, and have since had one playdate for rhena in the house, and have another coming in about an hour. so if I DID have a better point to this topic.. I've lost it.


feel free to 'tawk amongst yourselves' about death, secrets and stuff. I'm going to do a clean sweep real quick so we stand the chance of the house not swallowing our guests alive when they get here.

About Face

Blogger.

Text Message.

Instant Message.

Twitter.

MySpace.

Linked In.

Facebook.



holy good gravy.... I guess I'm more available than I thought I was. I'd LIKE to say that I'm savvy in all of these interfaces, or that when I'm not posting here, I'm coming up with new and creative ways to contact my friends in the other mediums... but I'm not. I'm lazy like that.


but what else.. on the subject of faces.... you SHOULDA SEEN MINE last night when I finally watched American Idol. DING DONG THE GUIDO IS GONE!!!! seriously... troy and I watched it when he got home from work. I shit you not.. he and I were high fiving each other at 12:30 in the morning.

I've said it in other people's comments, but seriously. men biting lips is NOT SEXY!!!! and that WINK shit he did??? GAG!

Troy refused to watch the dude's "you might be leaving" performance, and while I can't blame him.. I DID make him look when I said that Paula was holding a $5 dollar bill up. snicker.


best part of it all was the cocky sopranos reject said something along the lines of him "not necessarily going home.. he was just in the bottom three". SUCKAH!!!! now shoo. be gone.


Paula should be stapled to her chair. I mean.. if I WANTED to see her shake her 100 year old saggy ass, I'd watch that gay assed video of hers again.

I also think troy has a secret man-crush on Ryan seacrest.. and this is so disturbing that I can't even talk about it now. ok, you win.. I will.

SERIOUSLY... you should see Troy's face when Seacrest is on. he gets this little SMIRK or something. His eyes dance with happiness... you'd think he was living in the 50's and his son Skip just sank the winning basket for the high school team. But then again.. he also likes that little asian chick contestant. All I see is choppy hair and outfits that scream "I belong in munchkinland".


I probably need to get out more.


speaking of out.. it's time to go get rhena. peace.

doctor feelgood

ok, ok.. for all my bitching the past few days... troy FINALLY went to see a doctor. Turns out he had a severe upper respiratory infection, and was chronically dehydrated. They hooked him up to an IV, and a few bags later, he was doing a lot better.

in all seriousness.. I'm happy he's feeling better. I mean... even past my own sanity, I hate when anyone I love is out for the count like that. But like I said... he's coming back around again.


speaking of coming around... I'm starting to feel the payoffs from the investments I've been doing the past year. I think I've touched on it here, and even if not, most of you know me well enough to know that since Danny's birth, I've been going through a restructure of some sorts.


It's as simple as that, too. When Danny came along, I instantly had a new top priority on my plate, and adding a big ole moose to an already full plate made me realize that some shit had to go.

and it's been that way ever since. I feel like I'm CONSTANTLY re-evaluating my life, my actions, and the whole effort-out-reward-in scale. In particular and most recently, I've been using this Lenten period to understand that you really do reap what you sow. in short... if I want good stuff coming back to me in life, I gotta put good stuff out there.


and maybe it's the onset of spring, or troy's shroud of sickness lifting, or just getting into the groove of Lent...but I'm feeling good about the world of Cze lately. Had a great dinner with some good friends this weekend, I'm hearing about a new crop of babies in the making, I've made a lot of progress in prepping things for the consignment sale... I even have a few good books coming my way that I ordered from online.


cut the dead weight. That's what one of our priests was saying about Lent. it's a time to rid your life of the dead weight that keeps you from being happy. and not happy in a materialistic way.. just HAPPY. content. Blessed. a better you.

and whether that 'dead weight' is bad habits, excessive indulgences, emotional hang-ups or just associating with negative people.. (cause everyone has their own thing that holds them back from being a better someone) well.. I sure as hell know it's not my place to tell anyone else what they need to do, or even if it's something they SHOULD do... but I'm glad for this time of year to work on myself. I mean.. I'm not 'there' yet... and I'd be foolhardy to believe I will ever FULLY be 'there'. but the IDEA of 'being there' ... that happy, balanced mom, wife, friend, daughter, woman Carrie.... well, that's a good goal for me to have.


and I don't think that not eating meat, sweets or alcohol for 40 days will be the magic combination that will make me wake up on Easter and feel like a different Carrie. I WILL say, however, with temptations ALL around me, it IS a daily reminder to me during this process of Lent that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I have the choice to stay the course or not. simple idea... BIG transference.

Interesting development

so last night was interesting.

Y'all know that we as a family love some food, right??? well.. troy and *I* do, anyway. and moosey, too, I guess. rhena.. well.. she's an odd one.

BUT ANYWAY



Last night.. troy stopped off at a burger joint on his way home from job 1. Being that I'm on the no-meat thing for lent, I asked him to bring me home some french fries. (DUDE... I may have given up meat, sweets, and alcohol... but I'm NOT suicidal... I need some things to eat, and by golly; french fries and cheetos are on my safe list!)


anyways.. Troy knocked back the burger and I assisted with the fries. the whole house then proceeded to smell like a deep fryer, but whatever. smelling the lingering aroma of fried fatness help curb my cravings to snack during american idol later.

(which.. btw... who the hell ARE those guys??? it seems like half are look-alikes to someone else, and the others are so forgettable, and holy SHIT Paula is BEYONNNND annoying this year! but in true love-to-hate style.. I'll do a different post just for idol.)


so back to fat. I'm feeling kinda oogey from the fries... but I power through. so troy finishes up the code drop he was workign on, and we settle into some Idol. troy suddenly gets up and starts pacing. then sweating. oops! then POWER-HURLING in the bathroom.

I shit you not... that man has some SERIOUS stomach capacity!!! I have never EVER seen/heard MORE vomit come out of one body.. and this includes ALL of my pregnant pukes, Denita in the famous "huh-huh-SPLOOSH" incident.. OR the vomitorium experience down my hallway that fateful bunco night.

(mmm.. tasty... just right for breakfast, huh, M?)


anyways... we have decided that it's official, and troy is no longer allowed to eat burgers from fast food joints. This is about the 5th time in recent history that he has eaten a burger from a fast food place, and gotten seriously ill. This makes a man like troy very VERY sad. and confused.

and I can't blame him. I mean.. what makes a body go from a lifetime of enjoying a certain food to suddenly rejecting it? I have that issue with all things seafood... though I'm going to test to see if the OPPOSITE can happen.. and go from a body REJECTING something for a long period to gradual acceptance. but that's probably ANOTHER post. I should rename this blog "tangent alley".


anyways.. troy is sad and miserable. mourning the loss of burgers, I guess. I was happy to have a FABULOUS chance to tell him that his puking was annoying to me. HAH!!! (throw-back revenge to preggo days)


I think NEXT time he pukes I'll ask for a massage cause 'my back really hurts'. HAAAAAAA. again... preggo throw-back. he'll NEVER live those down.


His stomach's rejecting of fast food burgers does NOT change my plan to serve burgers on Easter morning, though. he's either gonna have to fend for himself or just man up and pop some zofran like the rest of us.


off to run some errands and playgroup today. speaking of zofran.... consignment sale is looming over my head... I really need to knuckle down and start prepping things. yes.. the guest bedroom looks like a war zone again. sigh. oh.. and final deck estimate should be in by friday. the second one we got was CONSIDERABLY cheaper than the first.. so hoping three's the charm.

sigh

so I just threw a load of laundry in.


yeah. I figured it's only fair that I finish up all of last week's clothes so Troy is really only stuck washing THIS week's.


WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!



I broke the cycle!!! wait for it... I lost 2.2 pounds this past week!!!! even if I lHAD ost the weekly competition, I am SO PLEASED that I finally got a noteworthy loss that I wouldn't care about the laundry. Troy lost 2.8 pounds.. which is awesome, too... he's actually at his lowest weight since moving to North Carolina. I'm very happy for him.


of course, I'm MORE happy for me with no laundry duty this week. cause I'm the WINNER!!!



Weight watchers website continues to UNinspire me. this morning, I recorded my weight like I do every monday... and they had the nerve to tell me that my rate of loss was unhealthy. in the 7 weeks I've been on, I've lost a little over 12 pounds. DUDE. that's LESS than 2 pounds a week average. TOTALLY within healthy parameters. and HOW many weeks in a row of point 6 did I have?


silly, me getting angry at a computer screen. *I'm* happy... and I guess that's all that matters. and I'm still like a pound and a half from my 10% goal weight. Trying to figure out where my REAL goal should be, though. honestly... my REAL goal is to put on a bathing suit without inducing vomit. is there a magic non-vomit number out there?

oh well.. we'll see where I end up. I know one thing for sure.. I'm going to have a cheeseburger on Easter. Troy and I were watching some show on food network, and they featured some dive called The Nook, and they had the MOST GORGEOUSLY GREASY BURGERS (stuffed with CHEESE!! glorious CHEESE!) I may have ever seen.

and while I'll be a dried up shit on a baby's ass if you ever catch me in minnesota... (no offense to you middle-of-the-country-folks) I NEED one of those burgers. so yeah.. for Easter, when Lent is over... we're gonna forego the traditional ham and have stuffed cheeseburgers. well, OUR version of them, anyway. with pierogies. ahh yes.. toilets be warned!!!


alrighty.. speaking of toilets.. gotta make sure rhena didn't fall in ours. or is clogging it with toilet paper.

happy monday, gang!!

Playing Games

ok. if I HAVEN'T said it already, or if you are slow to the chase and haven't figured it out... I have issues.


this whole weight-loss competition I have going with Troy is a BITCH.


I say this because Troy disappears at will to spend time at the gym sweating away whatever evils he might have consumed during the past week.


me on the other hand.... well... if I want to lose weight, I cry. (water weight, right?) or drink lots of coffee so I can shit like a man... which usually ends up with me just crying FASTER... due to the caffiene.


I say most of this in jest. I'm actually getting back into the WW zone. I've come to accept my fate of smaller portions being the healthier option for a person my age and size. or rather, what my size SHOULD be. bleh. to be a few inches taller and 10 years younger!!!


anyways.. I lost last week. the weekly challenge that is. I mean, yes, I lost my standard point-six pounds... but troy definitely lost more weight... so I got bathroom duty. I'm not even going to talk about how I got bleach on new pants while cleaning the bathrooms yesterday.. cause any PRACTICAL person would NOT wear new pants while scrubbing toilets... so yeah. not going there.


I'm ALMOST feeling good about tomorrow's weigh-in, though. knowing troy, he'll bust out with like a 3 pound loss, but as of right now, I think I might break my point-six cycle. after eating breakfast (quiche and coffee), and weighing myself fully dressed (with a sweater, jeans and SHOES on) I am only up point-four pounds from last week's weigh-in. SURELY tomorrow when I wake up, empty the bladder and wear my lightest-fabric pjs... I will be lighter on the scale.


of course... I also plan to add extra cheese to the burrito I'll make for troy when he gets home from the gym. cause you know... every little bit helps. :)

oh, and did I say that this week's loser has to do ALL of the laundry for one week? washed, folded, AND put away? I know this is something I usually do anyway.. but the idea of troy having to do it... and I mean a good solid week's worth.. not just the one or two loads a month he does... well... call me evil.. but that just sounds delicious.


I thought about if I won that I would leave all my laundry scattered around the bedroom and closet and bathroom like he does, and make him go on a daily scouting mission so our son does not start chewing on dirty undergarments (GAG!)... but I will be a good winner (if I win). I WILL put all my clothes in the hamper where they belong.

and if I lose... well... balls to that. I really am hoping to win this week. maybe I'll use the full-fat sour cream in his lunch, too. no. extra cheese. definitely extra cheese. between the fat, calories, and the possible bonus of constipation... I really stand the chance to win this week.


stay tuned for tomorrow's results!

here come the troops!

ok.. so I kinda had a teeeeny bit of a breakdown last week.

I allowed myself a good cry or two on Friday (ok, it was more like 3 or 4) but still... who's counting.

the sheer act of crying and allowing a little pity party for myself was energizing and therapuetic. and then life was good again.


ok.. so maybe life got good again, because I actually got to see Troy and have a conversation with him. I have been BLESSED with good friends and a supportive family, and I really can't illuminate just how critical all of them are to my mental well-being in so many ways... but the biggest and most important outside influence on me is without a doubt Troy. When he and I are running seperate shifts or are away from each other for too long... I slowly start falling apart. Hard to admit that, being that I pride myself on how independant I am... but that man is so engrained in my mental and emotional infrastructure... I'd be a lying fool to ever say that I don't need him in my life.

so yeah. he came home on friday evening. before the kids' bedtimes. I finally exhaled.


then.. before I knew it.. things were good again. talked to my mom on saturday, and she said they decided they were going to come down for a visit. I KNOW my distressed state is what prompted the visit, and I tried to assure them that all was fine. but hey... where do you think I get my stubborness from? so they'll be here on wednesday. we're all pretty excited.


Sunday was the stuperbowl.. and we went to our neighbors' house. Chili was had, and it was so good. I gotta tell you.. those two have the LOCK DOWN on chili and cornbread. It was a very nice visit. rhena was beside herself to be at their house playing... *I* was beside myself to be out of the house and to be around other adults.. and even though danny did frizzle out about an hour into the game and we had to leave before halftime... it was very nice of them to have us over. again. good times.


tonight is CCD... and troy's planning on coming home to watch the kids. !!! I still know not to hold my breath until he actually calls and says he's on his way.. but I know that he'll try to make it happen.


and tomorrow!!! DATE NIGHT!!! My girlfriend is going to babysit for us, and Troy and I are going to start on our new year's resolution of hitting at least 6 of charlotte's top restaurants this year. A new place opened up here in town, and since wednesday starts lent, I'm gonna have my own personal Fat Tuesday.


ooh.. speaking of FAT... weighed in this morning. AGAIN only point-six pounds down. I totally know that I should have been down more, but in addition to the chili and cornbread and potato chips... I also had some espresso brownies and oreo cheesecake yesterday. and AGAIN I'm constipated.


I'm convinced it's my shitty binge-eating that wrecks my digestive tract on the weekends, and stops my ass up. I should switch my weigh-in day to like wednesday. I'm usually my lowest weight on wednesdays and thursdays. oh well. I still lost this week. annnnd... snicker snicker.. troy GAINED weight!!! so I win DOUBLE this week.

I couldn't think of anything creative as a prize this week, so stuck with the massage theme. BUT.... because I lost and troy gained.. he owes double. so now I get TWO half-hour massages. sweet.

so there you have it.

hope everyone had a good weekend.

the home stretch?

ok. I'm HOPING that troy will come home at some point today before midnight.

I remember seeing him on monday... he actually came home in time to watch the kids so I didn't have to bring them with me to CCD.


the rest of the week is a blur, though. I have been on double-duty bed routine since tuesday, and I'm a little worn out. it's not so much for lack of sleep... I'v e been getting about 6 hours a night.. so I'm doing well in that department.


just... the kids. well.. they're kinda driving me nuts. Danny's daytime sleep habits are unpredictable and at times not happening. this does NOT make for a happy boy during the high-stress times of the day like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. and snack times.


and is it me, or do ALL three year olds secretly take speed? maybe it's just rhena. but when you combine her INCESSANT energy with her "follow-the-imaginary-script-inside-my-head-or-we're-gonna-take-it-from-the-top" role-playing she does... well.. frankly, by friday, I really think Joseph and his technicolor dreamcoat can just fucking STAY in the cage.

and let's not forget that when I actually DO see troy again.. *I* get to give him a massage cause I didn't lose enough weight this week.


sigh.


I CAN do this.


anyways.. in other news... the church bake sale is this weekend, so I'll be making up stuff for that. that'll be a good 'busy' activity for rhena since it's puring out, and I am not gonna drag the kids out today.

Stuperbowl is this sunday.... We're supposed to be going to our neighbor's house. I'm on the fence about that one. I'm excited about getting out of the house... but given the fact that the game probably starts like a minute before bedtime for the moose, and I probably won't see troy until FIFTEEN minutes before we go... bleh. on the UP side.. I think of the chili and cornbread and know that once I'm eating (strike that.. SHOVELING IT IN MY MOUTH) well.. I'm sure I can rally.

that is, if I don't fall apart before then.

getting there

DAMN I can just not seem to get myself organized this year.


I fear that with each passing year it's going to take me longer and longer to recover from 4th quarter.. and soon I'm just going to say fuck it all and leave the christmas tree up all year.

like I did in seattle.


sigh.


of COURSE I would be much more inclined to DO SOMETHING if I wasn't so damn distracted being HUNGRY all the live-long day. yes.. I started up weight watchers again. it's so embarrassing... I lost all that weight.. was down to a happy place in the 120's... then I stopped nursing, kept eating, and wham-bam-thank-you-fat m'aam, I'm back up in the 130's.

the GOOD news is that I've enlisted Troy to join WW, too. hey.. misery loves company, right? but the bastard that he is.. gets like 300 points a day, to my measly 23. oh well... I will survive.


in fact, one week down already. I think I was too busy bitching about how hungry I was to keep track of time, but sure enough.. one week has passed. happily, I did lose 5.2 pounds... but alas.. my period is also gone, so I'm thinking some of that weight was for sure due to Aunt Flo. no matter.. that's an encouraging start.. and compared to Troy's 5.8 pounds lost... I maintain the higher percentage of weight lost for the week, and he... must clean all the bathrooms this weekend.

ain't love grand?


oh well. back to the grind. cause posting to a blog sure isn't helping to get the decorations put away.

we are SO married

said the husband to the blogger one lazy afternoon----


"you know... one of these days I'm totally gonna blow your mind in bed..."


said the blogger to the husband ----


"what... you going to fall asleep to something OTHER than military channel?"




-----------------------

I think we're going to skip anniversaries 4-24 and go straight to silver.

Burn, baby burn!

so... as I've said in the past.. summer TV pretty much sucks. sure, we have our one-off shows here and there, and Tuesdays are good for catching up with all the episodes of House we never watched cause for some unknown reason other than for what SURELY must be categorized as pregnancy-and-post-par tum-STUPIDNESS. Really.. don't know how we missed that show for so long!

but whatever.. my point is that troy and I are FINALLY getting our money's worth out of netflix, now that the summer (aka shit programming) is here. I also like this time of year, because I finally have some other shit to talk about other than the quantities of food coming in and out of my family members' bodies, or how much sleep I'm not getting. I almost start to think that I might.. just MIGHT be able to have an adult conversation someday. you know... with another adult. and maybe out in public... but I'm not pushing my luck here.


so... recently we've caught a couple of movies. some good, some not-so-good, and as always.. some I found disturbing.

You know.. I do have to say this. while I recognize the fact that my way of thinking has been altered since becoming a mother... I really and truly wonder if the things (movies) I find so disturbing now are really that disturbing, or because my meter-reader is jacked for the whole estrogen thing.

For example:

Deliver Us From Evil - this is no question. BY FAR one of the more ... strike that... MOST disturbing movies I've watched in a long time. Not only was I fighting back vomit and rage from what this man did to children, but knowing he was allowed to go on as a prominent figure in my religion of choice??? VERY DIFFICULT. Troy and I had a deep conversation afterwards that touched on this particular documentary example, our society as a whole, our religion, and of course, our fears for the future. This movie is not for the faint of heart, though. I'll admit I was actually SORE the next day from the angst and tension I held through the whole movie.

Little Children - this one is an iffy one. *I* thought it was disturbing, but then again, I always have had a hard time watching movies that involve adultery. This movie had characters REEKING with issues, which TYPICALLY makes me feel better about myself, but eh... it just didn't sit right with me. Maybe because all of the characters were real enough that I could actually imagine meeting them here in stepford... and maybe it's the whole "you selfish asshole sonofabitches, wake the fuck up and pay attention to your CHILDREN" feelings I was having... more conversations between Troy and I, though. hah! we're such movie-critic-turned-life-coaches. Just kidding.. but seeing a blatant example of situations usually prompts troy and I to have one of those "what would YOU do" conversations. (don't worry, folks.. he and I are still very much on the same page...)

Flags of Our Fathers - I enjoyed watching this movie in that it made me think. We're waiting on the corresponding movie, Letters from Iwo Jima... With Troy having served in the Marines, I can't help but be thankful that his years never had him in war. Now, I'm not going to get into a whole discussion here about my thoughts on war, patriotism, and the distinct feeling of apathy I sense from my generation... but Flags really painted a picture of the societal sensationalism and pressure that was put on soldiers during World War II. Many war stories/movies illustrate characters as they are in battle. we as an audience watch, support, then often mourn the inevitable outcomes of these scenarios based on actual history. But few movies show the characters, and more so their emotions, when they come home. Sure, there were some war scenes, but the battles they fought in their heads when they were home were what struck a chord with me. sad.

Another one that was sad to me was Dirty Pretty Things. I really don't think about the US as being such a desirable place to live. I'll admit I take my citizenship for granted many times, and watching this movie disturbed me in that I was amazed at what people will do to escape their current living conditions. This movie definitely upped my appreciation factor for stepford... puke-filled buncos and all.

Other stuff we've burned through lately is Night at the Museum (gotta take a mental break every now and then, you know...), Catch and Release, V is for Vendetta, Blood Diamond, No Man's Land, an Inconvenient Truth, Suspect Zero (SUCKED!!! seriously.. very lame), Boys of Baraka, and You, Me and Dupree (ok, ok.. I'm a sucker for Owen Wilson!)


I imagine that I'm probably 100 years too late in the game when it comes to being qualified to discuss movies.. I mean, seriously.. I've seen ONE movie in the theater in the past 2 years?? But if anyone else wants to start up a movie-blog with me.. I'd love to jabber with ya.

Truth is... like I said... I'm really trying to get back in the game of thinking for myself about topics that don't include what's for dinner, where my daughter left her underwear, and how long it's been since the moose ate or had his diaper changed. And I love a good movie. or you know.. a heart-wrenchingly disturbing one.


Leave me a comment if you want in on the movie-chat blog, and I'll make you a contributor. Hell, even if I get one other blogger/commenter that's interested, I'll start up a blog and we can share thoughts/comments about movies we watch. But be warned.. I'm talking about movies that are not in the theaters.. cause you know.. my ass not leaving the house and all....

The most expensive week EVER

ever have one of those weeks where shit just can't HELP but to fall apart all around you???


yeah.



so things started last week when our washing machine broke. on thursday. apparently, God decided that draining the water from the washer's drum would make shit a little too easy here at the appollo... so here I am, with a screaming moose and pooping boogie, and a shitload of water in the machine that won't drain. oh, and my folks on the way. sweet.

fine fine... take care of the kids... call sears and schedule an appointment for someone to come fix the damn thing, and finish cleaning the house so my parents don't personally witness what a chaotic mess the house can become.

sears says no one can come until monday. fine. well, not really fine, cause did I mention the screaming moose and pooping boogie? I'm pretty sure we have enough clothes to get us throuh til monday, barring any major illnesses and atomic spills, so let's just pray the machine will be fixed on monday.


ok fine. folks get in, and visiting begins. all is fine.


staurday morning, troy, my dad, and I go about roto-tilling the back yard so that we may assemble the son of satan... I mean this playset. 2 days of HARD ASSED labor, rhena's park was erected. did I mention the 40 bags of regular bark mulch and THIRTY bags of rubberized playground mulch??

yeah.. so anyway...

Monday, Troy's car kinda died on the way home from work. when I was cooking dinner. while my folks are here. ... the good news is that he was able to get it going and got home safely... more importantly, without us having to call a tow, and me truck my ass to the interstate to get him.

so tuesday didn't fare as well, cause the car REALLY died on his way to work. got it towed to the local honda dealer, and we waited on an estimate. the initial estimate came back at $600+ dollars to fix the timing belt and some other oil leaks. yeah yeah.. better than having to buy a new car... go ahead and fix the damn thing.

well.. I guess when they actually got under the hood to look at the stuff, it turns out shit was melted and fused together and now the DETAILED estimate of work was in the ballpark of $5k.


uh.. can I get a giant FUUUUUCK!!????!!!!

24 hours full of crying, heartburn, stress, more crying (this time by the kids, not me), ANOTHER missed bunco... we are now the owners of this truck.

I need a nap. and a night out. and then maybe another nap.

but now the chilluns are up, and it's go time again.

oh... remind me later to tell you about how you shouldn't leave standing water in your broken washing machine for 4 days while waiting for the repairman, cause your whole house and 50 ft perimeter of such will smell like rotten eggs. and as you pay the repair guy $250, you wonder if you'll ever walk into your house again without the smell of putrid ASS choking you.

On again, off again

That pretty much sums up life these days. whether we're talking about the potty, sleep habits, or my weight... I honestly feel like a damn yo yo.


ok.. maybe not so much my weight.. thankfully; that's been steadily coming off. HOWEVER... I would be a big fat (albeit getting skinnier) liar if I didn't admit that my eating habits have been crazy erratic lately. one day.. I'm all super-fab-rock-star-dietary-MASTER... the next, I'm chowing down on my beloved kettle corn, justifying that if I eat it standing up that it might not be worth as many 'points'. so yeah... eating... out of control.

BUT!! against all odds... I continue to lose. I have officially hit my first goal with weight watchers... that beloved 10%. If you happened to read here about 2 months ago, you would have seen that my starting weight was clocked at 143.2 pounds. As of Friday... I weighed in at 129.0 pounds. that makes my total loss at 14.2 pounds. now TECHNICALLY, I realize that I'm not at a full 10% until I lose 14.3 pounds.... but since the scale I weigh in at measures in increments of two-tenths, and since it's my blog, I'm calling it official at 10%. Next stop... 123.2 pounds. that would make my total loss at 20 pounds... I might actually just get there, too... if I could step away from that damn kettle corn! HAH!


so let's see.. more in the on-again-off-again department... the potty. if I tell you we have been on and off that toilet more times a day than I had hair colors in college.. it's an understatement. but I imagine that anyone who has a child that knows how to use the toilet (the child, that is... )can attest to that. It truly is a lot of work, and demands a LOT of energy. positive, up-beat, do-a-lot-of-sitting-and-waiting-but-be-really-frigging-happy-and-entertaining-the-whole-time-even-when-the-other-child-is-screaming-his-head-off energy.

Troy has been GREAT with Rhena through this process, and has really been able to get her to 'make poopies'. At first I was a little jealous that he can come home from work, swoop in, and she magically pees or drops logs.... but now I'm just happy it's getting done. I'm actually beginning to believe that she will be able to attend school this fall. Of course.. there's the other notion that we will in no way be able to AFFORD said school, cause with all the prizes we have been offering to get the pee pee to wake up and the poops to come out.. well.. let's just say we could go broke. I'm thinking BIG-ass yard sale in a month from now. or, just pray that the Moose likes pink toys, and I can recycle all this crap when HE starts to potty train.


Speaking of Moosey... he's 6 months old now. !!!! seriously... you know what a slap in the face as to what kind of fog I've been in it was when I realized he turned SIX MONTHS OLD???? apparently, while I wasn't sleeping.. time kept right on ticking. who knew?

and sleep is what I have not been doing. for a few days last week, Danny actually slept the entire night. 7pm - 6am. !!!!! of course, *I* did not sleep, because I kept waiting for the little bugger to start wailing in the wee hours. And as if on cue... I began to believe. I believed in the idea of going to bunco again. of going out to dinner with my husband... ( like on a date! -- crazy, I know!) I believed in sleep.

and just as I bought into the sweet sweet dreams of the night... the waking began again. I attribute it to the new tooth he has coming in. poor little guy has a HOLE in his gum, waiting for the pearly while spear to coming a' pokin through. It sucks that we're back to square one of him waking... more so because now the crying spells are lasting longer and longer (last night I seem to recall a starting time of 2:44am, with him FINALLY settling down at 4:03am. bleh!) but it sucks cause he's miserable, and I don't quite know what else to do for the boy.

oh well. this too shall pass, right? right.

like I said... on again, off again.

A Week(end) moment

so I'm taking advantage of the fact that Troy's home from work and I'm allowing myself to be online.

so I guess while I'm here, I ought to say out loud that it's Troy's birthday. not that it really matters to most of you... but here in our house, it's another official occasion for Rhena to sing happy birthday, and for me... well, it's another reason to eat cake.


so happy birthday to Troy. bring on the cake!


ps... new pics are on the photoblog, including some of the newest Johnson.