Friday, September 30, 2005

Welcomed Distraction

ok... I've been getting to emotional up in here lately. I fear I'm scaring everyone off with my mooshy side.... so to bring things around again.... JohnBoy threw a tag in my direction.

You know I hate these things... I really do..... but this is a low-maintenance one, and like I said, I needed a little change of pace, so.... i present THE TAG:

The Rules:

  1. Go into your archive.
  2. Find your 23rd post.
  3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
  4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
  5. Tag five other people to do the same.

(Yeah, bitches... it says FIVE people! HAH!)

so... for a blast from yester-year... I give you an excerpt from my 23rd post.... "grass is always greener on the other side of the cervix"

But to really soak up and live the word JEALOUS... well, that might be a
bit extreme.

hmmm. profound. I'm such a deep thinker, huh?

oh well... there you have it. the link is there if you're curious to what I was talking about... and I mean... c'mon.... who could resist? Grass? Green? Cervix???? That's important shit, people!

now my fun part.... inflicting work on others!

for my five people, I Tag:

SUSIE .... cause she hasn't been feeling like posting lately, so here's a gimmie.....

SLACKER..... just cause I'm jealous he's probably got a good weekend lined up.....

KARI.... cause I know she'll be passing it on to Jewl and Mary.....

CHEEKY.... cause I'm just plain curious what will be coming out of her mouth on a regular basis...


LIZA... cause I like her new look, and I know she'll hit up Beth.

and for those of you who I read and didn't get tagged... who are you kidding... you know one of these folks is gonna tag you, so might as well start looking now and be ready! :)

ok... the booger calls. time to get tagged for a diaper change!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

SO you see... it's like this

So recently, I've been down in the dumps. unable to post. poopy. at a loss for words.

Lots of ways to describe it, but the bottom line was that lately I"ve really been in a personal void. I think I kinda shut down as a means of protection... at least that's what I think I did.

You see readers, recently, someone very near and dear to me admitted to me as well as themself that they have a drinking problem. I say 'they' because it really doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman. The point is that they have a problem, and it needs to be fixed.

And who it is really is immaterial at this point, because I love this person, and the fact that they are hurting hurts me. it also Hurts me to no end that I can't help this person. I mean, sure... there's the support factor... I get that.... but I CAN'T FIX THEM.

I'm sad for not noticing or doing anything sooner. I'm doubly sad for having had drinks with this person. Did I make their situation worse? Was I an enabler? Why has it taken this long? Could I have done something different?

Readers... I assure you I'm not looking for the answers to these questions. I know what they are, and I accept them. It's actually harder accepting that I'm asking these questions in the first place, never mind what the actual answers are.

But alas... as quick as the ink was dry on the above answers... new questions surfaced. And they're ugly questions. They're selfish questions. How is this going to affect me? Am I still allowed to drink around this person? I mean... I wouldn't think about it now... but are we talking NEVER? How will this affect our relationship? Like I said... ugly, selfish questions.

And don't get me wrong... I'm completely engulfed in an urgency to devote myself to supporting this person however they may need me... but at night... those fucking monsters whisper my thoughts out loud and the selfishness shames me.

I imagine there's books out there that state certain stages of the healing process.... hurt, shock, remorse, anger, shame, forgiveness.... or something of the like. So I know I'm just going through the process of working through the situation with this person... but that doesn't make it any easier. My sharp memory of each of these emotions (hurt, shock, remorse, anger and shame) is providing the greatest challenge for the last step... forgiveness.

I HAVE forgiven the person with the drinking problem... but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the feelings I've been having. Those selfish, ugly feelings. And again... I beg you to spare me the comments where you tell me my feelings are natural. I know they are... I really do. I don't have to like them though.

I don't like that my trust in this person has been shattered. I hate the awkwardness. and I'm dreading the first time I'm with this person in a social setting where others are drinking. Will they crack?

Surely time will tell, and as more time goes by, my thoughts will change and my selfishness will stop. I'm excited and scared for the new relationship that will evolve with the person. I wonder if they will like me as much. I wonder if I will like THEM as much. I'm positive I will, with no question, love this person equally... if not MORE out of respect for them facing and tackling (and BEATING) such a consuming issue.... I only hope they will be able to say the same of me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

No Monsters Allowed

funny how some sayings stick with you.

When I was a little girl, I firmly believed there were monsters in my closet. Naturally, this made it very difficult when it came down to sleeping at night.

My dad ingeniously wrote a sign that read "No Monsters Allowed" and taped it to my door, assuring me it would no longer be a problem, being that monsters were no longer allowed in my room.

Call me stupid, naive, or just plain young... but it worked.

Lately... the sign hasn't been working. Perhaps my monsters that hide in my closet in my adult life can't read... or perhaps they're too busy keeping me up at night to stop and read a damn sign. Either way... they're here, and they ain't leaving til I do something about it.

So one by one... I shall fight. and slowly but surely--- I will get through them all.

First one on my list right now is finishing up the thank you notes from Rhena's birthday. Of course, I had to make them myself... to match the invites, naturally..... but alas... the words still need to be penned, and envelopes sent.

So my dear readers... I bid you peace. I thank you again for the kind words of support during my little hiatus. I'll probably need more support in my journey ahead... but I'm ok with that. Nobody said fighting monsters would be easy.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Under Construction

lately, there's been a lot of changes going on in Johnson-ville.

The first and most important, is that Booger is now a year old. NO... I didn't do some long sentimental post to her, and I haven't shown any pictures of the party yet. Perhaps this makes me a bad internet mother, but I couldn't give two shits right now.

Let's just say I've had my own personal hurricane whip through my life and now, together with my husband and daughter... we are rebuilding.

I will be back, and I imagine within a few days, considering I've been pretty much gone for over a week already.

Thanks to those who have expressed concern. it's appreciated.

My thoughts and prayers are sent to those in the path of Rita, especially my dear friend Kelli and her family.

Monday, September 12, 2005

3 days down...

ok, gang--- just thought I would pop up for air and let y'all know that I am indeed winning the battle of the boob.

I've now got 3 days down with no nursing. The hams feel like rocks, and I'm kinda looking like a run-down porn star, but Troy has been appreciating the gratuitous view when I get undressed each night.

Seriously, though... all is going well. I'm really hoping the hams will settle down in size.... exactly how long it takes for these bitches to dry up is beyond me... I've heard everything from a few days to a week or two. But other then spilling out of my tent... er... BRA, and mild soreness... it's not bad.

Susie should get a prize for tipping me off to the distraction faction..... it's been working. not so much for ME... but it's helping rhena's day pass.

speaking of the booger.... I had to do it.

everyone else I know has either had their own website to post videos, or have been using this YOU-Tube thingy...

so not to be outdone....The booger has made the big time.

here she is, taking a few VERY wobbly steps on her own.

If you're getting a red x cause my link-slash-code sucks.... here's a link to the site.

in other news, we now have our "mommy blogs too much" and goodnight johnboy gear, so I'll be posting pics soon. In the meantime, pop on over to my photoblog and check out booger in her tough-girl skater gear... CHAW!!!!

arright. Troy's grandmother is visiting, so I must entertain.

T-minus 5 days til booger's birthday and party. good shit. straight up good shit.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

A Tale of Two Titties

This is a public service announcement brought to you by The Hams....

Dear Blog-Land....

Hi! We're the Hams! We decided to take over Carrie's blog for the time being, because we've already consumed her entire day and thought one more thing would be fun.

So we're getting bigger, you know??? Carrie thinks that if she ignores us that we'll just go away, but we have news for her and you... WE'RE NOT. That's right.... we're actually FEEDING off her ignorance. We're getting bigger, STRONGER... and solid as ROCKS!!!!

We think her daughter Rhena misses us, so we're causing Carrie PAIN. big, constant, hit-a-bruise-with-a-baseball-bat PAIN. That'll teach her for trying to make us go away!!!

But that's not enough, see.... we're refusing to fit into ANY of her bras!!!! during the day, all of her bras a re TOO SMALL!!! that's right... even those 34DD tents she bought from Victoria's Secret.... nope. TOO SMALL!!! She thought she could outsmart us by moving up a band-size to a 36DD..... but those bras look even funnier, cause it rides up her back and doesn't sit flush to her rib cage!!! they're so big in the band and small in the cup... she looks like an absolute CLOWN!

SO anyways... we're here, and we're not going away. Carrie thinks she can slowly get rid of us by easing into the whole wean thing... but we're slick to her game. We're going to make her feel like she went cold turkey!!!

We have a few more tricks up our sleeves... wait... we don't have sleeves. well... let's just say there's more in the bag for Carrie.... we're just not telling what we're gonna do yet.

So stay tuned..... we have only just begun the fight!


The Hams

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Playgroup, Dirt, and Leaves... OH MY!

so today was the first day of a playgroup that Rhena and I joined. It was a bit of a clusterfuck with kids running around everywhere, but Rhena seemed to enjoy it.

Plus, the mom that was hosting it had a dog... and as Rhena would say... "dey!! DOYDEY yayyay DOY DOY DOY YAY!!!"

for those of you not understanding Rhenese... that translates to "I like dogs, so I guess we can hang out here for a while, mom!"

Today definitely marks a first for the Booger.... today she actually TOUCHED GRASS. Now when I say she touched grass... I'm NOT talking about POT.... (seriously.. I mean... who calls it GRASS anymore?? PLEASE!)

and no... I have not kept Booger in a bubble. she indeed HAS been around grass before. The big step here, gang, is that today was the first time she touched said grass without screaming and crying like I put her on a bed of needles.

today my friends... RHENA GOT DIRTY. we're talking wet jeans... muddy knees, dirty hands.. the works. She picked up every leaf she came across, and to my relief, handed about 80% of them to me. the other 20% really tried to find their way to her mouth, but then the dog came by and the poor thing ended up getting a number of them on her back and head.

Now, if you know me... you'll have some idea of the magnitude of comfort this action plays in my life. I am JUST NOT A GIRLY GIRL. And frankly... the idea of having a girl who is into dancing and frilly shit and princess crap is tough to swallow. Yessssss..... I'm up for the challenge, and will gladly accept Rhena's likes and dislikes..... but this disco-lovin' momma is praying for a tomboy.

I DO want her to know the rules of hockey, I DO want her Granpa to teach her how to spit, and I DO want her to be able to hold her own on a playground. and yes... I know there's little ballerina girls out there who know about hockey, can spit, and can hold their own ANYWHERE.... My brother has two of them... and they are my favoritest girls in the world that I did not give birth to!

But the dirt today was reassuring.

As for the moms.... it was definitely good to meet some new people here in my neighborhood.... but they all know each other already, so I'm really odd-(wo)man out. Coupled with the fact that I had to be near Rhena at all times, I found it very difficult to feel at ease around these ladies.

They were nice... don't get me wrong.... but as I get older, I find it increasingly difficult to keep having to start new friendships. Be funny... but not too annoying. Be witty, but not a wise-ass. Be nice... but don't get walked on. it's tough!

But alas... I have no choice. I have no stable set of friends here, and this is the price you pay when you move somewhere new. I definitely see how easy it is to fall into the trap of only talking about your child. As a person wanting to fit look for some commonality, which typically is the child and or your mothering experience thus far. The more you do it, the easier and easier it becomes to just talk about the child, and before you know it... you've forgotten who YOU are.

So how to find that balance of speaking in a language that other people understand, making sure I represent myself for who I AM, and not just who's mother I am, and trying to keep up with a group that has known each other for years? It's not easy... I know that much.

I think I clicked with one or two ladies today. maybe not even a click... maybe more like a "cli". and I'll take that... it's definitely a start.

and the dirt. ahhhhh... the dirt. Days like these makes this momma proud.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A different kind of Match-Up

Now I bet you're all thinking I'm gonna get soft and charitable on you here.... and with good reason... I mean... like I've said before... there's plenty of things that we can be doing to help our fellow brothers and sisters in the Katrina affected areas.

But the answer is no.

No.... unfortunately, I'm back to being a selfish biatch for the moment.

Today, or this week, rather... I have my own little match-up going on...

I'm weaning Rhena.

Yeah... it's been time in my head for quite a while now... but Rhena has shown no signs of taking to a bottle. SINCE JANUARY.

so, she's been doing really good with her varying shapes of sippy cup things... so I tried to slip a little formula into one of those thingamabobbers. NO DICE. When Rhena tasted the formula, she gagged and cried as if someone was pulling her toes off.

So lately (past month or so) she's been snacking on whole milk, and since she's near that first-year milestone, I figured it would be ok to just stop nursing and give her whole milk.... without having to go through the gag-cry-scream-gag-formula routine again.

Now when I say ok, I mean it looks good on paper, and all things being equal, we shouldn't have a problem. Drinks milk... check. uses sippy thingamabobbers....check. Hungry in the morning.... check check check. ....Even Troy agreed it was a logical time, and how often does THAT happen??

so this morning, I tried to give Rhena a thingamabobber full of warm milk, instead of the glorious Christmas Hams.

oh, sorry... for those of you not familiar with my mammories; I've been referring to the milk-bags as Christmas Hams. They're about the same size (34DD) and Rhena takes to them in the same fashion as Tiny Tim with his new cane at Christmas Dinner... hence, the HAMS.

So after about 20 minutes of ear-bleeding screaming and choking on her own tears and snots, Rhena convinced us she wasn't quite ready to give up the Hams...

I mean... can you blame her??? LOOK at these pups!!! I could feed a small village off of these things!

So anyways... my challenge then becomes one of how I get her to go from the hams to the cup. without it being a traumatic experience for all involved. By October 14th.

First step I'm taking is to not nurse her AT ALL during the day... no matter how much she cries. Susie mentioned going somewhere for a distraction... so we're going to try going for walks. ...I still have 10 more pounds to lose, so walking is good. It's probably a better idea then what I had... which was to drink a few beers or wine coolers throughout the day which would REALLY prevent me from just giving in to her. Don't get me wrong.. I still LIKE the drinking idea better... but on paper and all that... the distraction method may be healthier. .....and at least I can legally and safely drive with that method.

Second step is to cut back my length of time I allow her on the hams in the morning and before bed.

the morning one I can deal with her not getting enough, cause she'll be awake, and I can give her the thingamabobber later if she's still hungry. the before-bed feeding is tricky, though... if she's hungry... will she wake up in the middle of the night? after over 6 months of sleeping through the night... do I really want to jinx this???

I mean, I KNOW the answer is that you do what you gotta do.... but that doesn't mean I'm not envious of the babies out there that decided on their own they were tired of nursing, or those that were switched over at a younger age, where they hadn't formed a strong opinion/attachment.

in the end, though... it's time. whether or not Rhena knows this or is willing to accept it easily... it is time.

No comments necessary, but if you want to cheer me on, please do. I imagine Johnson-ville is going to have 2 cranky bitches on its hands until we get settled in a new routine.... so if you're not going to be a supporter, then kindly please fuck off... I'm not in the mood for criticism. I'll gladly let you know when I'm ready to hear opinions again, but for now... if you ain't being nice.... you's gots to go elsewhere. where's my drink??? oops... I mean DISTRACTION......

Monday, September 05, 2005


ok... so by now you've noticed I've changed the looks around here a little. still a bit of tweaking to do, but it's just about 11:30pm, so I doubt I'm going to do it tonight.

I still want to call attention to the blogger projects that are going on... so buy some t-shirts or send Melissa some stuff...

here's to hoping a few hours of sleep will get the brain working again to fix the last bit of coding glitches....

sweet dreams, gang...

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Born to Be Alive

ok.... so I've posted before about my "Screw-Starbucks-people-need-WATER" mentality.... and I've encouraged you to donate to Red Cross.

Some of you answered with a WELL DUH.... others have expressed personal hesitation towards the red Cross itself.

that's fine... I GET THAT. Well, now there's a way that you can express some charity and get something for it, too.

In this fabulous Blogger community... there are a few outstanding writers who were directly affected by Katrina. and when I say directly affected... I mean... they HAVE NO HOME to go to... they HAVE NO TOWN to go home to.

We're not talking about sending thousands of money to people who didn't have a pot to piss in in the first place..... (again... just express some of the hesitations I've heard and read... I'm still from the train of thought that every person at least deserves food and a safe place to sleep until a shred of normalcy is restored...)


here's the deal. JohnBoy has tuned me into a few blogger-specific charitable efforts that are going on to help other fellow bloggers. That's right... Bloggers helping bloggers.

PLEASE go and check out his site as well as the other sites he lists. Another FABULOUS idea he has going (and I say fabulous cause I came up with the idea... he he he) anyway.... here at CafePress.... you can purchase some baby-related gear to support the Blogger-Relief fund.

if you're a mom, and you blog..... I desperately ask you to find something in this selection and make a purchase. They have t-shirts, sweatshirts (perfect for fall!!!) and diaper bags and stuffed teddy bears and BIBS!!!!! who can't use BIBS???? (Sizes for the gear ranges from infant to kids' sizes.... so no excuses!)

they are reasonably priced, and all proceeds are going to help Katrina Relief funds. Plus... you get something undeniably snarky for your kid to wear.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A KID... or are a DAD..... there are other styles of Blogger Tees to choose from. Please take a look HERE and see if you can order something.

Another way to directly help folks is over at Melissa's site. She was not directly affected by Katrina, but her town has taken on hundreds of refugees. She has been regularly visiting the shelters and bringing them clothing, food, toys, etc. She has offered to accept clothing and toy donations and bring it to these people who will most likely be living in these shelters for several MONTHS.

Again.... there are soooo many ways to help people.. Red Cross or not. So please take a little time and check out the links I and so many others have listed.

Like the title says... people are born to be ALIVE.... and some of these people are just barely surviving.

Every little bit helps. Thank you.

today's title brought to you by patrick hernandez

Friday, September 02, 2005


we interrupt your regularly Disco-titled blog posts to announce that the levee has indeed broken. REPEAT... the levee has BROKEN!!!!!

Rhena has pooped.

and there was poop, and it it was good.

seriously... I'm knee-deep in baby shit here, but I couldn't be happier. well, except that now I'm dangerously low on diapers and wipes, and I have to head to Wal-mart.....

but other than that.... life is good.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled disco-bitching.....

Thursday, September 01, 2005

If My Friends Could See Me Now

...somehow I'm thinking they wouldn't be so jealous.

Yeah.... life is going on as normal here in Johnson-ville... normal, except for the pooper's pooper.

yes... I DO realize I talk an awful lot about my daughter's ass, and her ability to or NOT TO poop regularly.... but I never promised great literary works here, folks.... I mean, for Christ's sake... I like disco music... what are you expecting????

so yeah... we're going on day four with no signs of a bowel biscuit in sight.

This disturbs me greatly... as I see what I'm feeding her, and I'm wondering where it's hiding, and worse... what it's finally going to look like when her pipes start working again.

People... we're talking broccoli and cheese soup, we're talking creamed spinach and yogurt and peas and more yogurt and meat sticks and like 80 grapes (roughly 20 a day?) and custard and chicken and milk and apple juice and more yogurt and chicken and ham and tomatoes.... and on and on.

I shit you not.... or rather Rhena not shits you??? whatever... no matter how you say ain't gonna be pretty when it comes out.

so I wait.

I gave her some veggie laxative drops this morning... they take from 6-12 hours to work.... if they don't produce the juice by tomorrow morning, we're calling in the bulb-style-stick-it-up-her-hiney stuff. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS.

we had to use them once in michigan, cause by then she was up to 6 days or something.... and it was horrifying for me. Rhena didn't care for it either, but uggg... it's just not a fun thing to do. I wonder if Roto-Rooter would come in and do it for me... they do house calls, no?

anyways... so praying for these drops to work. in the meantime... we're just here working on differentiating between HAPPY screams and SAD screams and TIRED screams and I HAVE TO POOP ALREADY CAUSE IT'S BEEN FOUR DAYS screams, and HUNGRY screams.

are you noticing a pattern?

yeah. enter the SCREAM phase.

Remember that old commercial for MTV or something, like when they still played videos and stuff?? It said something along the lines of "if it's too loud, you're too old".... 'member that? yeah. well ding fucking ding... I guess I'm too old, cause my child is DEFINITELY too loud.

But that's fine.... I'm cool with this..... albeit slightly TONE DEAF, but definitely cool with it.

I'm cool with it because this IS the life I chose. I mean... I'm cool with it, cause I kinda HAVE to be... but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was having fun, too. Sure... I don't go out on a friday night in the city and get to talk my way into clubs and steal rocks from Bungalow 8 and nor do I actually have a clue where Cain is.... but I think there's a flip side to everything.

I get to hear the stories of the fabulous lush-life without killing myself in heels, and my friends can hear the joys of motherhood minus the screaming.

well.. minus Rhena's screaming. sometimes they hear a little of my screaming.... but only in short quantities.

today's title brought to you by Linda Clifford