Monday, March 31, 2008

This Way and That Way

Monday again. bleh.

Today's weather matches my mood.. grey, cold and cloudy, but not necessarily DOING anything.

Busy week ahead for us here at the Fever... yet I'm feeling a bit lazy and not wanting to do anything. BUT, because I know my class won't teach itself, the guest bedroom still must be un-earthed, the applications for the homeowners' association for our deck project are still blank, laundry is mounded in a pile larger than the kids put together, and you know.. that whole feeding, cleaning, and tending to children thing. well.. I KNOW I have to bear down and 'get er done'. (I love the south. only here can EVERY phrase sound like some dirty old man leering at a farm animal or school girl.)

I'm craving baked goods... but alas, since I have begun to eat meat and sugary things again, I noticed my scale creeping upward. so tomorrow....(and thursday and saturday) has been designated my morning at the gym.

on ONE hand, I'm happy. I need to get out of this funk I have going on, and an hour to myself a few days a week away from the kids will certainly help. I also have a new toy arriving... Troy got me a Zune thingy. (He's a microsoft alumni, so he gets discounts on their stuff) so that should help a little. if I'm going to take the plunge and do the dreaded EXERCISE thing, I ought to at least have some kick-ass music with me. of course.. it'll be a good way to kick-start my training for the walk this fall.

on the other hand... BLAH! yuck! I don't WANNA GO!!!! I hate the gym.. I really do. I always feel so out of place and dumb there. like everyone is looking at me wondering to themselves if I really think that my slow pace on the treadmill is gonna make a difference.

oh well. that's a whole other post.

so today.. I'm blah.

in other news, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. no joke! (get it? april fools? joke? HAH) anyways.. I told rhena she would be in charge with coming up with an idea for Grampa's cake (my folks arrive this coming weekend) for celebrating his birthday. This morning she told me that her grampie would just really want blueberry. hmmm. thankfully the child changes her mind on the regular, so maybe by saturday I can steer her towards something coconut. we'll see. either way, between the upcoming bake sale for church and my dad's b-day cake.. I should have some new stuff to post over in the crumbles blog.

alrighty.. time to hit the showers. happy monday, gang!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Return to Neverland

Take me back to the Garden, child.. for once again life is too busy.

Remind me how to slow down, little one... and let someone else take the lead.

Teach me to be kind to strangers, sweet girl... for among the flowers we all are friends.

Let's sit down for just a moment, my boy... and take notice of the small things.

Allow me to look through your eyes, baby girl... so I can see only goodness.

Just one last picture, honey... so I can remember today forever.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I need a head check


WHY why why why why whyyyyyyyyyy do I bother buying shit at old navy?

just bought these.. and I was like.. cute color, decent look, longer leg.. cheap price... yeah, ok.

uh... DIDN'T notice the 'twisted seam' business until I was home. which is 20 miles away from the store.

does anyone know what twisting a seam to the front of a leg looks like on a girl with an ass????

it looks bad. like I bought a defective pair of shorts bad. like.. your-momma-can't-sew-and-your-thighs-are-thick bad.

bleh. I just really need to get it into my head that I'm 35 years old, and I need to stop trying to buy clothes there for myself. cause driving 20 miles (one way!) to only spend $15 on a pair of shorts that I invariably don't have the opportunity to try on while IN the store, then will have to drive ANOTHER 40 mile round trip to get RID of ill-fitting shorts, or worse, get suckered into picking out ANOTHER pair of something that will not fit just ends up costing me 3x as much in gas as the price of the shorts in the first place.


I need to shop elsewhere. seriously. cause stores like old navy and forever 21 may have cheap prices.. but again... it JUST doesn't cut the mustard. I need a store that's called "forever feeling younger than the age you really are but aware that you're a mom so you don't want to look inappropriate, either". Of course, it would help if Ann Taylor lowered their prices just a tad, too.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Knowing me, knowing you

so last night Troy and I were catching up on some TV time together.

one of the shows we watch is Medium, on NBC. Not necessarily in last night's show, but definitely in this season's storyline is that the husband's mother is seriously ill, and only has a 60% chance of recovering IF she gets a surgery. the short of it is that the mother asks the wife not to tell the son/husband. whoa.

so last night we played our 'what if' game. Troy asked me if I would be mad at him if someone close to me was dying and they asked HIM not to tell ME, on that 60% chance that they do survive.

I told him I would indeed be angry. I mean, sure, I get the idea of not wanting to worry your child with the knowledge that you are going to die, but in MY mind, I would want to spend as much quality time with that person before they did actually pass away.

to me it's a no-brainer, but maybe not for everyone. I mean, obviously some people feel otherwise.. that's why the storyline is plausible.

oh well. I started this thought this morning, and have since had one playdate for rhena in the house, and have another coming in about an hour. so if I DID have a better point to this topic.. I've lost it.

feel free to 'tawk amongst yourselves' about death, secrets and stuff. I'm going to do a clean sweep real quick so we stand the chance of the house not swallowing our guests alive when they get here.

Monday, March 24, 2008

A Few of My Favorite Things

Easter pictures continued. stomach still cringing from yesterday's intake. will do real post soon.

Happy Easter, gang.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter 2008

more to come tomorrow.
you know.. when I'm done digesting.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

the Last Supper

now you KNOW that here at the Fever I do a LOT of talking about food. I've also been doing a lot of bitching about how I can't wait to eat sweets and meat again when Lent is over.. but that's just me being good at bitching.

so a few weeks ago, we were talking about the Last Supper in my CCD class. Today is Holy Thursday in the Catholic faith, which commemorates Christ's last meal with his disciples. Now, whether or not you are Catholic (or some other form of Christianity) and believe in Christ as a form of a Savior... there is recorded history that a man named Jesus celebrated a Passover meal a long assed time ago with his closest friends the night before he knew he was going to die.


I have been. I mean.. let's put it this way. If you KNEW you were going to die tomorrow, who would be at your table? and what would your meal be?

I mean.. props to Jesus, cause Jewish or not.. if I knew I was checking out the next day, I'm not sure I'd want to keep to the whole unleavened bread theme of Passover. or maybe I WOULD.. hoping that one last nod of appreciation to my higher power would pull the swing vote for eternal good graces. but I dunno. I've been doing my own 'nod of appreciation' for lent, and seriously? I'm ready to get my eat on. if I was going to die tomorrow, I might just have to have some Chateaubriand. and bacon. oh my WORD I'd be mowing on some bacon.

And in terms of my guests.... for SURE I would want my nearest and dearest loves to be there. but would I, too have the courage to have those that have betrayed me share my last moments on Earth?

I've had a long time to reflect on my journey through Lent this year. in the past several weeks, I feel I have definitely been making better choices for my self, my family, and for sure, my soul. and it's not just about the foods I was or was not consuming. sure, that was a vehicle to get me to that place of thinking.. cause again.. momma loves some food. you want me to think about ANYTHING, then just attach it to some food, and I'll percolate on it all damn day. but it isn't and WASN'T about the food. it was about nourishment, growth, and living.

and while I feel I have definitely improved the nourishment, growth and living in a personal sense.. I still wonder if my OUTWARD sense of those attributes have improved. *IF* I were to die tomorrow, have *I* nourished, grown and lived for those in my life enough? I know I'm not ready to die tomorrow, so I'm going to say with confidence that the answer to that is NO.

so today, on this most Holy Thursday, I will celebrate that my dinner will most likely NOT be my last, and that despite Lent drawing to a close... my journey here is not.

so happy first day of spring to you, my readers. may it, and all of your days be filled with nourishment, growth, and LOTS of living.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Well.. we're finally at the middle of the week. for one reason or another.. this week has been a long one already. Maybe cause it's just about Easter, and I'm practically SALIVATING at the idea of meat and sweets (and a glass of WINE!!) and these last few days. just. won't. be. over. with.

Next week, Rhena's off from school, so we'll have a little taste of what summer will be like. without the excruciating heat and humidity, that is! on tap are some play dates, park visits, and perhaps a museum or two. I'm looking forward to it. There's something very fulfilling about taking the kids to a special place. it reminds me of all the day trips my parents used to take us on. and now, as a parent.. I want my kids to grow up knowing that there's a whole world outside of stepford, and it doesn't occur in 45 minute scheduled increments.

so yeah.. next week we're gonna do some free-style childhooding.

I still have to discuss my stress/concerns about Rhena wearing makeup. Part of me is resigned that it will happen, but I haven't totally given up the fight. Basically.. For Rhena's recital in May... I got a 10-page document of rules and regulations, one of which states multiple times that ALL DANCERS must wear FULL-FACED MAKE-UP. it goes on to describe that this is defined as FOUNDATION, eyeliner (??) mascara, eyeshadow, AND lipstick.

uhh.. Rhena is THREE.

The idea of Rhena wearing that much SHIT on her face makes me seriously ill. I have seen girls getting pictures done in our local photography studio; and really... vegas showgirl comes to mind. of course.. then there's the CONSTANT THOUGHTS OF JON-BENET

SO disturbing. and I know, I know.. the make-up is because they will be on stage, and the lights will fade them out. but then the director said some shit about it being a tradition that every little girl looks forward to... wearing the make-up and pretty costumes and being on stage.

Maybe I'm the big dummy cause this is what I signed up for, but it really ISN'T. I signed my daughter up to be in a dance class, a good school with structure and professional teachers. not some run-amok gym class.

and rhena LOVES the class, and is SO excited about her big recital, and that gram and grampa will be coming to see her.. so I can't just say NO.

the good news is that now having had worked for the make-up mafia, I suppose I can apply the bare minimum that will make her face visible from the audience and meet the requirements of full-face without making her look whore-ish. but I'm still not happy about it.

anyways. that's that. The whole idea makes me ill.. more so cause i TRULY don't want my baby wearing make-up, and that she will most-likely be doing so. And the moms in the hall say it's no big deal.. but to me? it is. I DON'T find it cute. I DON'T think it's normal. I simply don't like it.

but... I also won't like it when Rhena at 13 wants to wear a skirt that's too short, when Danny starts dating, when either kid gets their driver's license, or goes off to college. bleh.. but even that is different, cause those are natural milestones in growing up. wearing make-up at THREE is NOT A NATURAL MILESTONE!!!! ok.. I'm done talking about it. The recital is not until May, and I can stress about this more later. for now, I'm going to enjoy my babies.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Erin go BLAH

sorry gang. today has just been one of those days. not necessarily a BAD day.. just frigging BUSY. ok, and maybe not that great, either.

Troy thankfully DID come home to watch the kids for CCD, but I had promised that Rhena could come with me tonight. I came home to troy on the computer, ass-deep in tax stuff, and Danny upstairs crying. (did I mention he is cutting NO LESS than 6 teeth maybe 8 right now? all four molars and the canine teeth are coming in)

which means it's all on me to soothe danny (done) do rhena's bedtime, and when I'm done with that (she's making peeps right now so I have a minute or 5 to be bitching here) I have to pack up the easter goodies for her class tomorrow, OH, and clean my car cause one of the dishes I made for my teaching partner (her husband is out of town for over a month now... trying to cut her a break when possible).. yeah.. the dish?? leaked a thin cheese sauce ALL OVER. gah.

oh, but that's ok, cause now rhena's calling for me and troy's pissed because HE told me one thing AND SWEARS he said something completely different.

I'm gonna take my green off and pray that someone pinches me. Maybe it'll wake my ass up from this nightmare of an evening I seem to be having..

Saturday, March 15, 2008

First - the cookies

so I still am going to blog about rhena and the make-up and my utter sinking disapproval for what will most likely be inevitable.

but for now...

I'm proud to say that I made a little dent in the St Patty's day cookies.

I still have the detail work to do for the decorating, but as you can see below... the bases are at least complete. Maybe tonight when the kids are asleep, or tomorrow when troy is (surprise!) at work.

I also began work on the Easter cookies... but since I really only made white, green and orange icing.. I'll get to the Easter ones another day.

In other news.. not sure if y'all have visited my profile lately... if you have.. you'll notice I have a new blog in the works. and when I say work.. I mean just that. right now it's very bare bones, but I've decided to start keeping a record of my baking projects. call it a secret haven to the foodie in me.

I can't promise there will be weekly updates over there in Crumbles... as it is, this batch of cookies is turning into a 3+ day project, what with trying to keep the kids happy and the house from burning during a large chunk of my waking hours. However.. I do participate as a volunteer baker for my church's monthly bake sale... so even during this slow part of the year with no birthdays, you can be assured I'll turn the oven on once a month.

once I get these cookies completed, I will do my official post in the other blog.. and then should have another shortly thereafter with the Easter ones.

so yeah. cookies? (almost) check!

Tomorrow, I shall discuss the disgust I have with "tradition" as it was described to me.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Coming soon!

ok. I have many scattered thoughts today.. some of which include (in no particular order)

a new food network challenge (I would CRUSH collette peters, btw)

rhena being REQUIRED to wear make-up (which deserves it's own post because I am just beyond words about this right now and troy is telling me to chill about it before getting worked up, but uh.. too late.)

the 3 dozen cookies begging to be decorated

how very disgusting the fish sandwich is at burger king, but pleased that they offer veggie burgers and applesauce

me getting sucked in deeper and deeper to facebook and twitter and I STILL haven't written that letter to my girlfriend

and well...

ok.. maybe that's it.. but the cookies and rhena in makeup are big.

but makeup isn't until may, and these damn shamrocks are about as white as my ass right NOW... which does me no good for St Patrick's day on MONDAY.

so cookies go first.

perhaps more later, if I'm not in a hard cocoon of royal icing.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

About Face


Text Message.

Instant Message.



Linked In.


holy good gravy.... I guess I'm more available than I thought I was. I'd LIKE to say that I'm savvy in all of these interfaces, or that when I'm not posting here, I'm coming up with new and creative ways to contact my friends in the other mediums... but I'm not. I'm lazy like that.

but what else.. on the subject of faces.... you SHOULDA SEEN MINE last night when I finally watched American Idol. DING DONG THE GUIDO IS GONE!!!! seriously... troy and I watched it when he got home from work. I shit you not.. he and I were high fiving each other at 12:30 in the morning.

I've said it in other people's comments, but seriously. men biting lips is NOT SEXY!!!! and that WINK shit he did??? GAG!

Troy refused to watch the dude's "you might be leaving" performance, and while I can't blame him.. I DID make him look when I said that Paula was holding a $5 dollar bill up. snicker.

best part of it all was the cocky sopranos reject said something along the lines of him "not necessarily going home.. he was just in the bottom three". SUCKAH!!!! now shoo. be gone.

Paula should be stapled to her chair. I mean.. if I WANTED to see her shake her 100 year old saggy ass, I'd watch that gay assed video of hers again.

I also think troy has a secret man-crush on Ryan seacrest.. and this is so disturbing that I can't even talk about it now. ok, you win.. I will.

SERIOUSLY... you should see Troy's face when Seacrest is on. he gets this little SMIRK or something. His eyes dance with happiness... you'd think he was living in the 50's and his son Skip just sank the winning basket for the high school team. But then again.. he also likes that little asian chick contestant. All I see is choppy hair and outfits that scream "I belong in munchkinland".

I probably need to get out more.

speaking of out.. it's time to go get rhena. peace.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


no.. not talking about bathing suit shopping. though that'll have to be done soon, and I am NOT looking forward to it.

nah... today's dish of bitch is Danny. love my lil moo-moo, but holy ass baggers, batman!!! the child is cutting like 100 molars, and he is NOT HAPPY.

well.. he IS, (except, of course, when he's NOT) but he's been chewing on everything in site like a dog with rabies. add in his inability to use real words, and well.. the grunts seem very fitting.

I do feel bad for the kid. especially during the day. he just looks so MISERABLE. but night time.... uggg. he just lays there crying.. no.. SOBBING.

I finally caved and gave him some tylenol. I'm not a big fan of medicating when not absolutely necessary... but I think it's time. hopefully they'll cut through soon and we'll get over the hump. cause damn.. I miss me some sleep. sleep is absolutely necessary.

also on the missing front and still sticking with the torture theme... I've been spying some of my favorite foodie blogs lately.

uhhh.. what in HELL am I thinking??? let's see.. give up meat, drinking, and all desserts for lent... oh, *I* know what to do!!! put on Food Network HD!!! look at foodie blogs!!!!

I've even been formulating a plan to make some home-made petit fours and truffles. issues. I might as well go take a bath in hot fudge with duct tape over my mouth. I mean.. seriously.

11 more days to go. I can do this.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

forgive or forget it

so I was talking to my girlfriend today for a little while. apparently she and her boyfriend broke up over the weekend. she thinks. she's really not sure.

right now she's feeling hurt about the things that were said, and a bit confused because despite hurtful things that were said, he's being very sweet on her today.

it's all rather confusing, actually. or not, if you know my friend.

anyways. does she forgive him? are they broken up? what do I think about this e-mail he sent?


something about either a - my age, or b- having 2 kids has made me have so very little energy for game playing.

I mean.. I heard her out, listened to the stress.. but when it was my turn, I told her point blank how I felt.

I asked her if she loved the guy and if she wanted things to work. (she said yes.) I told her that in any relationship.. one of love or of platonic nature... sometimes shit happens. sometimes... a person has other shit going on in life that causes them to inadvertently hurt the person or people they are closest to. sometimes one person hurts the other on purpose. when on the receiving end of the hurt.. you basically have 2 choices. you can either forgive the person and move on, or you can deem the hurt so heinous that the relationship is not salvageable to its original form. Assuming the hurtER is sorry for the hurt. also assuming we're not talking about physical abuse. mamma don't go for abusive relationships.

anyways. neither option is necessarily EASY... but in my own personal experience... having been on both ends of the spectrum here... taking the middle road just doesn't work. When you SAY you forgive someone... then do it. accept their apology and go about fixing things so it doesn't happen again. If the hurt is THAT BAD, and you're not willing to forgive.. then don't! Say the hurt is too bad and you are unable to forgive at this time, if ever.

It's that temptation to SAY you forgive, but carry a grudge or the hurt that sets up an imaginary realm of conditional forgiveness which will ultimately be more toxic to the relationship than the original misgiving.

Maybe this seems so black and white to me because my 2nd graders have the sacrament of Reconciliation during the year I teach. we teach these children that when we confess our sins and profess our true sorrow for having done them, that our God forgives us. He doesn't forgive us of our sins but hold a secret barometer that must be filled before we can be in good Graces again. Doing that would be equal to the apology followed by a "but..". you know the type.. "I'm sorry, but I had to do it." or.. ".. sorry, but it wasn't as bad as what you did to me!" it's like.. what's the point?

And don't mistake my words for claims of not being guilty of the conditional apology or forgiveness. I'm no God, that's for sure.. it's fucking HARD to truly forgive someone. It's also very hard to fess up when you're in the wrong and take accountability for your actions. I've done both. not truly forgiven someone and not given a true apology, that is.

when you give a true apology, it hurts to not be forgiven. But.. to give a true apology, be TOLD that you are forgiven, but constantly be TESTED or QUESTIONED or pushed off.. well, that hurts even more. I mean, sure.. after a hurt when trust has been broken, it takes a while to re-build that trust and love. completely understandable. But it's highly unfair to expect someone to be true to their word when your word is forgiveness and it's not really there. AND.. if this testing phase lasts too long, well, one might be likely to take the hint and just give up.

so I hope my girlfriend figures out what she wants to do, and soon. I know she loves him. she's in uncharted territory now because she has never loved a man like she loves him. I know she's confused and hurt, and depending on exactly what was said, she might not be willing to make nice right now. and I get that. there's definitely been times that I would have rather had Troy strung up by his balls on a barbed wire fence than play house with him. and I've held my grudges with him. thankfully, none of them have been long enough to dishearten him. if that ever happened, I doubt I'd be able to forgive MYSELF.

Monday, March 10, 2008

SO Applicable, it hurts.

as I said in an earlier post, I've been listening to the soundtrack to Wicked lately. one, because my mom and I are going to see it when it comes to Charlotte. (we have opening night!! I can't wait!)

two.. cause I was pretty sick and tired of hearing the soundtrack for Joseph, and thought Rhena could use a different tune to sing all day. every day. day after day. oops, sorry... I thought I was Ben Stiller there for a minute.

anyways... sometimes when you're going through life, you come across a song that hits the spot. whether it's a love song, a break-up song, WHATEVER... just sometimes you get lucky and find a song that you just connect to given the circumstances of your life.

I'm REALLY getting the song "Defying Gravity" right now. like REALLY getting it. like brings-tears-to-my-eyes GETTING IT.

I'm really hoping I'll be over this emotional attachment before the show. I'd hate to be snotting all over myself in public like that.

in other news, I hit and passed my 10% goal. total weight loss since Jan 1st is 14 pounds. I'm going to see if I can lose another 2 pounds or so, then I will stop focusing on weight loss, and put more effort into getting in shape. I don't want to get my ass kicked by the walk again this year.

tonight is CCD, and Troy will not be able to watch the kids, so I'm in for an interesting evening, considering Danny has found a new penchant for screaming/crying like a madman when I'm not around. yeah. good times. I may just dedicate the whole class to praying for my sanity tonight.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Stick a Fork in Me!


just dropped off another 50+ items for the consignment sale. hoping to make enough money to pay for the haircut I'm going to schedule myself for next saturday cause I haven't seen troy much and momma needs some time away from children.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Word to the Wise

When feeding your child... it's best to remember that what goes IN.....

must eventually come OUT.

sometimes it's even the same color.

ok. not going any further with that.

Friday, March 07, 2008

A Letter To My Body

There's a little exercise going on over at BlogHer. and despite screwing up the link back to this post to show that I participated.. well.. whatever. I did it. see below.


Dear Body -

Although you and I have never had an 'official' conversation before, it goes without saying that we have shared some exchanges over the years. It's no secret that you've overheard the things I've said about you, felt the icy glares and sighs of disgust when our eyes have met in the mirror, and I know that in my heart of hearts you've sensed the jealousy in my blood when I've looked at other women. Despite TOO many of the 35 years we've been acquainted being filled with animosity... I want to see if I can break the cycle. I really feel compelled to make amends for past misgivings and hopefully lay a groundwork that will allow for a better future together.

I've had a chip on your shoulder for a long long time. As a child, I didn't think your skin was colorful enough. I WILL give you credit for being so resilient at such a young age. not once did you blister when I dipped your fingers into melted waxes of different colors. Not once did you cop an attitude and stay the shade I applied to you with various not-as-magic-as-I-hoped-they-would-be-markers. Whatever I burned, broke, or tore... you healed, fused, and or re-grew. you kept. coming. back. seriously, your nickname should be Terminator.

As a teenager, I loathed you, but didn't say as much because angst was fashionable. Over the years I have chided to all that would hear that your misgivings allowed me to be the one with the magnetic personality. But let's not lie anymore, shall we? I wanted to be the pretty one. I wanted to be the tall one. The exotic looking one. SURE... you got me compliments that ranged from 'cute' to "really cute"... but let's face it. CUTE SUCKS. I already had an older brother who was smarter and did everything perfect.. screw being CUTE! OH, how I just for once wanted to be the 'hot' one. so yeah.. this whole short and cute thing? didn't really help your case.

You stepped up your game in my early twenties when you started releasing blood from places that shouldn't bleed. And this whole if-I-eat-seafood-I'm gonna-shit-and-puke-til-I-end-up-in-a-hospital-(again!!) thing you pulled??? touche, my comrade!! You really had me there for a few years when I was having to take 5 pills a day just to eat like a normal person. Looking back, though.. I think you could only agree with me when I say that your power play only made me dislike you that much more.

But ours is a relationship much more complex than that, isn't it? We had our moments, and even I can admit that not all of them were bad. For starters, I know we agree on music. THANK YOU for all those nights. I may have never been hot, but the music got us close to being sexy. So thanks.

And you know.... props to you for the whole child-bearing thing. I don't know WHY, I don't know HOW.. but for all the shit I put in, on, and through you... you gave ME the two greatest gifts I could have ever imagined. you humble me. Now, I'm not saying that you made it EASY by any way shape or form to RECEIVE such gifts... but wow. you really hooked me up. talk about a guilt trip.

So as I write you this letter today, I can honestly say that I don't hate you any more. I recognize all that you have done for me over the years, and I would officially like to apologize for the abuse. I really do appreciate you, Body. I am SO MUCH because of you, and there is no doubt that I value you. I DO want you around for a lot longer, and hope you'll stay with me.

But... (oh c'mon... you knew there'd be a but!!) I hope you'll understand when I tell you that I still don't like you. I WANT to like you.. I really do. I'm TRYING to like you. But you know. you see it in my eyes. and I wish I could just use something cliche like "it's not you, it's me" and be done with it and live happily ever after, but it IS you and you ARE me... so yeah. not so happily ever after.

But I am trying. and I will continue to try to find ways to like you, however small they may be. So please; stay resilient. ignore my defeatist comments and my eye rolls and pinches and grabs and suck ins and lift-ups. Stay with me, ok? cause as long as there's music, there's hope for us.

with appreciation,

PS... you know.. you could REALLY up your standings by letting me eat some seafood. just saying!!!

Thursday, March 06, 2008


So I noticed something interesting the other day.

I was writing out a birthday card for someone, and I noticed... hey... this writing thing is HARD.

I think I'm forgetting how to WRITE.

well.. not really, but seriously... I rarely write things out any more. I have never been (nor do I see myself being in the near future) a note-taker or list-maker. Paying bills? pretty much all online. Communication? e-mails, IMs, text messages and phone. I even do all my birthday invites for the kids on the computer. and christmas cards are all pre-printed and envelopes done on the computer, too.

this is definitely a symptom of the times.. but as I was addressing the card, I was thinking about how *I* like to receive mail. like REAL mail. an honest-to-goodness-I-took-the-time-to-show-you-I'm-thinking-of-you piece of mail. so as I put the stamp on the card to my friend, I hoped that she, too, would have a small joy on her birthday, knowing that effort was made to not only pick out a card for her, but to pause my day long enough to scribe a good wish.

and this is not to say that an e-mail, a genuine to-you-and-only-you email.. not a FWD!!! or FILL IN THE BLANKS!!! Again.. I'm not taking away from the time and effort it takes to compose a direct message through e-mail. I for sure find those more enjoyable than the mass forward or general addressing text messages.

oh, and to be clear.. I am not absolved of the forwards or general announcements. I do them, too.

but the hand-written note. I'm beginning to think it's a lost art. Ask anyone who gave my kids a Christmas gift and is still waiting for a thank you note. they'll tell you just how lost the art is on me. *sigh* but I digress.

So last night I started composing an e-mail to a dear friend of mine, and I stopped. I think I'm going to take pen to paper tonight and write out my hellos instead.

This little act might not change the world, and it certainly won't change MY daily habits. I'm still going to blog, still going to send e-mails, do my banking online, and the occasional text message will come from my old-school flip-phone. But it sure won't hurt if I spread a little sunshine before spring officially hits.

well, except my hand. given my penchant for gab and my lack of practice physically writing things out, I'm sure my hand will cramp up after half a page.... but that's another story.


today's inspiration? the soundtrack for Wicked. I finally got rhena to listen to a song from something OTHER than Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. (never mind that the song is from another broadway musical... I still consider it progress) Anyways... rhena finally changing up her music selection inspired me to think of things that I can still do (send notes to friends) but change it up a little. (write them by hand instead of e-mail) Hooray for little changes! Spring is on the way!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Some Great Reward

That was the title of an old Depeche Mode album. (please no comments on the fact that I use the term ALBUM. DO we call them albums anymore, or is it just cds? or tracks? I'm so not urbanly hip and modernly cool.)

anyways.. I was thinking about rewards today. if we're LUCKY, we find rewards in our every day lives... not just when we reach the point of exhaustion or perfection. (yes, exhaustion happens before perfection in my house. usually exhaustion BEGETS perfection, cause I get so damn tired of trying to make things better so I just end up decreeing something 'perfect'.)

In parenthood, however.. I notice that I tend to fall under the category of OVERLY rewarding. Danny made a poopy?? "YEAH! HIGH FIVE!! good job, Moo-Moo!!!!"

no.. he didn't go in the potty or anything. just pushed out some waste from his bowels into his diaper. and most likely got it all up in and around his walnut, too. But here I am, cheering like he completed a marathon.

Rhena has essentially been potty trained for 8-10 months now. yet.. when she poops or pees by herself.. there I am... throwing out my 'good jobs' and booty shaking in my own mini-party.

I must really like poop?

I've read articles that promote this kind of parenting.. talking about fostering a positive environment for the kids. making every day activities fun and challenging, making the children proud of their accomplishments, big and small.

of COURSE there's the plethora of articles that discuss the DANGERS!!! of cheering on your child. Creates a competitive child that is only eager to please you and authoritative figures. makes the child believe they must be rewarded for everything they do.

I can for sure see both sides of this coin... but yet I still favor the rewards side. maybe it's because *I* find rewards in all things I do.. big and small.. (yes.. I even get happy after *I* have a big poop... I've had the scale go down 8/10ths of a pound after a poop once. talk about rewarding when you're trying to lose weight!!)

but seriously. I do find rewards in every day situations. most are, naturally, some type of intrinsic reward. (not saying I wouldn't mind a bonus or a big ribbon every now and then)

Danny is clearly too young to understand the difference from intrinsic and tangible rewards. Rhena, I think, is now getting to an age that she understands that making someone happy or doing something nice can make her feel just as good as eating M&Ms. We still use a lot of props, though. stickers, glow sticks, a special dinner or dessert.. dollar store crap.. you get the idea.

I'd LIKE to think that this is helping to set the stage for her to have a thorough understanding of actions/choices and consequences... but I still wonder. are our parenting methods, when combined with our world's incessant need for gratification and collection of material objects (not to mention our group-think society where everyone must be a winner, even if it means they don't keep score in sports) well... is this setting rhena up to be selfish? or a doormat? or worse.. unhappy and incomplete in her quest for perfection.


today's inspiration? still up for grabs! inspiration strikes at random times, so I'm keeping my eyes and ears open. feel free to provide me with something!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Divine Comedy

aaah. you know, with Rhena in my life, there never seems to be a shortage of things to talk about. or at the very least for me to share what SHE talks about.

so, I was helping miss boogey-pants get ready for school this morning. When I finished up with her hair, she stood up, spun around, and announced "Oh, I look DIVINE."

It's tough being so awesome!

yeah. I'd definitely say she has a HIGH sense of self-love.


today's inspiration? Margaret Brent, the first woman in the North American colonies to demand the right to vote. She and pioneers like her fought for women like me to have a voice. EVEN if it means bringing my children with me to the voting booth. hassle as it may be... there's never a wrong time to teach others (OR YOURSELF) that a voice matters.

Monday, March 03, 2008

It's begun

oh dear.

I knew this day was coming.

after breakfast today, rhena came around the corner wearing her jacket and shoes.

She informed me that she was going outside to wait for the bus. She reportedly was going on a trip. when asked to where, she replied that she was off to her "new home".

She must have sensed my semi-state of concern, because she assured me to not worry, cause she would be back in the morning when I woke up.

as luck would have it, I promised her that today I was going to make an appointment for her to see the dentist. I was able to trump her spontaneous bus trip by convincing her she needed to be here so I could call the dentist. apparently micro-managing my administrative duties is more appealing than waiting on the corner in her pyjamas.

sigh. I guess I just didn't think I'd be dealing with the runaway child this early in the game. or this early in the day, either. momma needs coffee to deal with this kind of shit, people.

oh well. happy monday, and here's hoping that everyone in your life stays put this week.


today's inspiration? my SCALE, believe it or not! I was only down point-8 pounds for my weigh-in this morning, but I'm only point THREE pounds away from my 10% goal-slash-competition with troy. I for sure feel energized enough to get through this last hump. I can do it!!!

Sunday, March 02, 2008


first of all, fear not. I won't be tagging anyone else. for one... most of you have already done this. Out of respect for the de-silencing of Hännikins, though.... I will play along.

5 Things You Never Knew About Me (And Probably Never Cared To)

1- I think adults eating organic food is silly. especially more so when I know that they have done/still do drugs or drink alcohol. kinda defeats the purpose, no? again. silliness.

2- I can burp like a man. pretty hot, huh? it's true, though. I've had this skill since I was a teenager. ask how much my mom LOVED that.

3- I ADORE* the taste of chocolate with salty things. pretzels, potato chips, french fries. yes. bacon. yes. salt it up, cover it in chocolate, and you have my attention. (* TOTALLY for you, Sus.)

4- I have DEEP fears of overly-naturistic places. the woods give me the heeby-jeebies, and I can not even begin to express the fear that overcomes me on country roads with no street lights, or worse... roads surrounded by cornfields. (note I speak of my experience of being on ROADS that go through these places. should I feel the need to shit my pants or have a slight heart-attack, then I will actually get out of my car and go IN to said cornfield, woods, or other 'natural' environment. til then, however.... I'll be in my car. driving the hell out of nature and back to a highway.

5 - ditto on the ocean. I fear the ocean. and lakes. don't like them, either. The very thought of fish (or other swimming creatures or water plants.. ACK!!!) touching my legs and/or me not being able to see the bottom of whatever body of water I am swimming in brings about a tightness in my chest that HAS to be similar to being tied up with rope and having a gun pointed at my face.

and added bonus!! (ok, cause I think 4 & 5 are very similar to each other, so I'm throwing in one more)

6 - I cry every time I hear "Amazing Grace" sung remotely well. seriously.. as long as it's SOMEWHAT in tune... I cry. without fail. I'm getting much better about keeping from erupting into a full-on cry... but my face gets all twisted, my eyes water and nose gets runny. again.. pretty hot, huh? I'm such a catch.

there. now be gone with you.


today's inspiration? my Ultra Dance 2008 cd. reminds me that I DON'T have to like 80s music now that I'm a mom. and listening to the beats gets me excited about training for the walk this year. shake it!


Saturday, March 01, 2008

Inspiration Nation

lately I've been finding inspiration from pretty much everywhere I turn.

which is good and bad, you see.

GOOD... cause seriously... I like knowing that my life is full of situations and people that I want to emulate. I have most recently been inspired to read new books, cook new foods, travel to new places, listen to different music, redecorate the house (mind you I'm saying inspired to do so.. not necessarily at the point of DOING so for all of these things).

this is BAD, however, cause for one.. how in hell am I going to find the time to DO all of these wonderful things to enrich my life? and two.. it makes me question WHY I'm so eager to try the changes.

maybe it's a throwback to my engineering days. six sigma. Kaizen. lean manufacturing. process improvement. cause I certainly don't think I have many things that are BROKEN.... just looking for a better way of doing things, maybe?

and March is Women's History Month. during a time that we should be recognizing and celebrating the achievements of women past and present... I feel like I should be working on some achievements of my own. don't know what those should exactly BE yet... but the good news is that there's no shortage of examples around me.


today's inspiration? Skirt! Magazine. it reminds me that no matter how we spend our days or 'earn our keep', we're all women who should be celebrated.