APOLOGY

.... to the poor guy who was jogging through our development this morning. When I slowed down on the way home from church for Troy to open the window and yell... "Hey dude... you can run faster than that!!!" we HONESTLY thought you were our neighbor.


oops.


but hey.... thanks for the laugh!

Crafty Bastids!!!

so I was driving around today, listening to some crappy pop-current-rap radio station when I noticed something different about my radio display.


I'm sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about... you know.. it's called RDS or something.... where the digital display for your radio console tells you what station you're listening to, and they also show the artist and song name? or at least 80% of the time, the station shows like 80% of the information....

for example... it has taken me 5 trips to Kindermusik class, the grocery store, playgroup and target to see bits and pieces of information enough for me to figure out that the song I've been digging lately is called "Gold Digger" by Kanye West. (please... don't ruin my little world and tell me the song has been out for a year now.... I'd like for once to think I'm still within a 3-month current rule???)


either way... the song got my attention cause it sounded like Ray Charles mixed in as a backtrack... only to find out it's Jamie Foxx who's singing it, which now is making me think that the song IS a year old, cause Jamie played that role in Ray HOW long ago????

but I digress. this RDS thing is nice.... when it works, that is. sometimes the station does not send out the digital info... and sometimes my car only displays partial information. for example... for a while, I only saw "Gold" when the song played... then I got a "KANYE" and "DIGGER" another time.... so detective that I am, I put it all together to figure shit out.


but all hoorays aside for me... the RDS system is nice. keeps me *somewhat* in tune with what's going on in musical America.... or at least the 5 most popular songs of the week, cause you KNOW the radio stations around here play the same shit over and over again......


but TODAY...... the crafty Bastards at my I-guess-you-could-call-it-my favorite radio station stopped displaying info about the music I was listening to. Today... they were sending out promotional information for their station. telling me to listen to the station to win $5000. (which, by the way... came in as a clear and complete sentence.. unlike the partial shit-ass info they send for the songs...)


So I'm torn on this topic. while I think it's ingenious to push out commercials WHILE the music is playing... I find it rather retarded that they're telling me to listen to their station. I mean... what's the point of THAT message when I'm ALREADY LISTENING TO THEM????? Now, if they figured out how to send that info for when I'm listening to a DIFFERENT STATION.... I'd be impressed. They'd probably find themselves in a lawsuit, too, but I'd still give a whup-whup for the set of balls that would take.


but back to my torn-ness. I find it crafty.... but think they should find a better message to pump out. Like shopping at one of their sponsor's stores or something. (capitalizing money monger in me, sorry.....)

But then, I get pissed at the thought, cause I'm like... DUDE.... I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M LISTENING TO!!!!!! and then I think... well, SHIT... if they can send out whatever info they want... why can't the fuckers send out USEFUL information... like the weather or traffic forecast.... and if there's an Amber Alert or hurricane warning or something... will THAT information get sent out????


I'm betting not... which pisses me off. Instead... I get told to listen to their station. Which, naturally, I only get told to do WHILE listening to their station. I mean, I appreciate their eagerness and I think it's great that they're running a promotion that could win me $5000 dollars.... but I honestly would rather just go back to my shitty partial information of what song came out a year ago.......

Ten minutes in Heaven

some days things just work out perfectly.


Today, I had ten minutes of pure delicious-ness that I won't soon forget.... and for once, I'm not talking about food.



This morning, my little boogie cuddled with me for ten minutes.


let me repeat that, cause I doubt you can even begin to understand just how awesome this is to me....


RHENA CUDDLED WITH ME.

BY CHOICE.




At this point, there are a few voices in my head that are refusing to just shut up.. they're the ones that tell me that she cuddles up to me every night when we say her prayers, and then how could I forget of all the times she clings to me like the forgotten dryer sheet....

but this time.. this morning.... something was different.



there were no tears.... there were no ulterior motives.... she wasn't tired and ready for bed.... she just gave me some loving. BY CHOICE.



Readers... I assure you... having that little booger just lay quietly with me under a blanket for ten minutes was like a week's vacation. Every inch of my body felt refreshed and as if it had a drink of pure sunshine and flowers. My spine unraveled, knots loosened, and my forehead uncreased.

for ten whole minutes, I knew my place in the world, and it was no where else but right next to me.


for ten minutes... I was not needed as much as just enjoyed, and the silence was a symphony in my heart.


for ten minutes, I wasn't worried about her weight, or my weight, or hurricanes or bills, or what was for dinner, or the zit on my forehead, or laundry, or anything at all for that matter.



for ten whole minutes... I was in Heaven. I was under a blanket, laying right next to my beautiful baby girl, and we were quietly enjoying each other's company. Heaven, I tell you.... pure Heaven.

Match-up

ok... this post is already lame, and I haven't even written a full sentence yet. ok, well, maybe now I have... but you know what I was saying.



Let's see... it's monday AGAIN. I have to admit, the match-up has kinda lost that lovin' feeling for me... but maybe it's cause I just haven't had the energy to think of a really good pairing. It could also be because I've been siding with the minority contenders lately, and I hate seeing my dudes lose week after week?

Nonetheless.... we need to slap some more contenders in the ring and see who prevails.


Being that we're a week out from Halloween, I ought to stick with the ghouls and goblins theme... but now that I said Goblin, I can't get the spiderman villains out of my head....

But alas... The Green Goblin is NOT in the ring this week. who to pick... who to pick???

...I was wanting to do a Freddy vs Jason matchup... but there was a movie already made to that effect, and I'm sure at least SOMEONE out there watched it... even if was in a drunken stupor or because you were sick on the couch and couldn't find the remote.... I realize that bad movies do eventually get watched. (speaking of... if anyone DID actually watch the movie... who won???)


so rather than talk about all the people I'm NOT putting in the match-up this week... I'll just go ahead and get back to basics.

this week, I give you:

DRACULA

vs

the WEREWOLF

I feel bad for not knowing any werewolves personally.... other than Teen Wolf and An American Werewolf in London.... but it's not like I'm on a first-name basis with them. Vampires do get a bit more billing... there's Lestat, Dracula, the King Vamp dude from Salem's Lot.... so for all intents and purposes of this match-up....

Let's just assume that the werewolf in the ring is the biggest, baddest MEANEST mofo you can imagine (as far as werewolves go) and Dracula is along the lines of Bram Stoker's pal. or some other comparable bad-ass... not some wussie old clowny fart like Grandpa from the Munsters.


don your garlic and silver bullets, kiddies...... and stay away from dark places......


so who would it be?

DING DING......

Greased Pigs and other baby fun

Well... the time has begun for yet another change here in Johnson-ville. Apparently the child whom I gave birth to has decided she is more akin to a greased pig than a little lady in training.


ok, enough with the eye rolls.... me saying that Rhena coulda shoulda woulda been a lady in training isn't THAT far fetched, is it????

wait... better not answer that.


anyways... so the new FUN FUN FUN GOTTA DO IT EVERY TIME thing here is that Rhena refuses to sit still for a diaper change.


So I'm sure every parent goes through this, but this does not remove my right to bitch about it.

THE DAMN KID WON'T STAY STILL!!!!!


seriously... as soon as the diaper is off... she sets into action... twist, >>FLIP!!<< , stand up... and run away. this wouldn't be SO much of an issue if she weren't on a changing table some three feet up in the air???? or those fun times when her ass is still covered in shit.... yeah... good times indeed. I'm sure it's just a stage that she'll finish when she learns to... oh, I dunno... USE A REAL TOILET.... but for now.. it's new... and extremely difficult.


I assure you I have tried many methods to keep the little booger occupied and somewhat distracted from the fun fun fun of the baby rodeo... but all roads eventually lead to her streaking through the quad a la Will Ferrell in Old School. I will ALSO assure you that putting a diaper on a standing baby who INSISTS on doing the running man is no easy feat either..... I mean, seriously... throw some leg warmers on this kid, and we have our own little showing of Flashdance going on.

The good news in all of this is that Rhena thinks it's all HYSTERICALLY funny, and hearing her laugh really is the best thing ever..... I just wish I thought she was laughing WITH me... and not AT me.

Open Invitation, and other stuff I keep forgetting

ok... so I've been meaning to say this for a while... but for all of you who though Nessie could kick the Jersey Devil's ass.... I and the handful of other people with a clue openly invite you to spend a night in the Pine barrens wearing a t-shirt that says "I voted for Nessie".


Seriously. I mean... I need to make it known that if the Devil ever comes down to Georgia (yes, I know I'm in North Carolina.... but you have to PASS THROUGH here to get to Georgia...) anyways... if he ever heads south, I want him knowing I gave props, and he can skip dropping a reign of hell fire and spiked tails on our house.


Nessie. sheesh.


ok... so my bad... I was supposed to come up with a different monster match-up each week this month. oops. Truth is... I've been waaaaay too distracted to really sit down and blog these days. I mean... right now... I SHOULD be talking about all the stuff I've been forgetting to tell you-slash-write about... but all I can honestly think about are the different charlie brown movies.

Yeah. I know. I can't really explain it.... but here's a diagram of how things work in Carrie's world.....

well, then again... I guess I forgot the whole "make this stupid diagram" bubble.... but y'all get the idea. I'm DISTRACTED PEOPLE!!!!

and of course... now I've completely forgotten what I had wanted to say before when I said I was going to talk about stuff I keep forgetting. talk about irony.


oh well..... there's always later. besides.... the dryer buzzer just went off, so it must be time to wash the floor......?????

Home again

It is SO GOOD to be back home again.


Been on the road (air, train tracks, what-have-you) for the past week with Rhena.... but am finally back in Charlotte.


We had some good times along the way, despite being sick the entire week. We are both on antibiotics now, though, so I think we'll be feeling good in no time.


The short of it is that I went to visit my inlaws, and sandwiched a girls' reunion thing over the weekend. All in all, my take away was on the plus side. Rhena spent time with her grandma and grandpa, I had my first night away from Rhena since she was born (actually two nights, but who's counting??), I had a little fun, and I got to know my friends a little better. I can without a doubt say that I left the girls' weekend liking everyone more than I did before the weekend. Now..... that's not to say that I DISLIKED anyone before the weekend as much as I'm saying that meeting and seeing them in person made me like them even more. So it was good.


On the downside... I was sick as a dog, and was really feeling like crap the whole weekend. I did NOT get to eat and drink my way through Chicago, but I imagine my bank account and waistline are pleased with that. I, on the other hand, was left feeling slightly disappointed. Combine this with a HUGE hotel screw-up (long story.. we ended up getting bumped from our hotel that was downtown to accommodations that were 18 miles out....) the maximum exposure I was having to estrogen, and then that damn cold making me sneeze and blow my nose every other second... well... the weekend was also a little bit of a bummer.

Take it back? certainly not. Do it again? in a heartbeat!!!


Again... all in all... there were tons of positives from the weekend. I am truly happy I was able to meet the 8 women I did for a weekend away. They are all amazing women, with different stories and different thoughts. They are caring, supportive, funny, generous and classy. (well, at least when they want to be!) It's unfortunate that the eight women I met were only half of our full group, but I still feel fortunate to have met the ones I did.

The cold? yeah... me having a cold sucked big ass. The hotel??? yeah... that pissed me off, too. But in one way... I guess it was good that I was a very simmered down version of myself. I took the time to listen to and observe these women... my friends... in person. And for what that's worth.... well... like I said... I just like them all the more now.... and friends like these...... well, they only come along once in a coon's ass hair on a dog leg's tied up and left wet age, I reckon!

It's so easy to fall in love....

We found a pumpkin patch, and I... in turn.... found a new reason why Autumn is my favorite season. Here's to new family traditions.....

Much to do about everything

dude.... I'm knee-deep in to-do lists.

9 more thank you notes to write from Rhena's party.
Mail the thank you notes.
stop eating dark chocolate reese's peanut butter cups.
Burn a few CDs and mail to friend.
Create the playlists for those CDs first.
Mail belated b-day gift to girlfriend in Seattle. (shit.. another hit for the post office...)
finish BUYING the rest of the belated b-day gift for said friend.
fold about 6 loads of laundry so I have CLOTHES TO WEAR to the post office.
REALLY stop eating dark chocolate reese's peanut butter cups.
Feed Rhena 3 million calories a day so she gains weight by her next appointment.
shower.
defrost and prepare something for dinner.
buy food TO defrost and prepare for dinner.
be home all day to wait for repaired dining room table to arrive (sensing some conflict here...)
Prepare my CCD lesson.
ok.. break down and hide that stupid bag so I stop eating dark chocolate reese's peanut butter cups.
finally send out pictures from Booger's birthday. (shit... there's the post office again)
feed rhena again.
REALLY shower this time.... not just turn the water on and forget to get in.



I'm sure I could go on... but the longer I do, the less of my list that gets done.


Happy Friday, gang..... don't forget to shower!

The jean gene

yeah.... so let me introduce you to one of the few things in this world that can make you break into a sweat, cry, feel comfortable, sexy, dressed to kill or get some work done. They can also make you smile allllll over when you have the right ones, and make you spend a lot of energy trying to get into another pair... be it a different size or someone else's.


They are jeans.


Now, I could depict in detail my personal love-hate relationship I have with denim, but I imagine that if you're a woman reader... you have one of these relationships of your very own.


Guys.... well, I imagine that as long as your balls are comfortable, you really don't care how jeans fit..... but I assure you... my quest for he perfect jeans is somewhat akin to that of finding the Holy Grail.


I mean... seriously... Three cheers to my juicy ass. I DO love that I have curves. It's NICE that in certain cultures (new jersey, my husband, and half the ghettos in the United States, to name a few) an ass of my stature is actually revered. Songs have been made about asses like mine. but alas.... I still fall short in my quest for jeans.


Sure.. there's the 'curvy' styles, and I could always sell out and drop $70 on a pair of JLos... but I could also vomit incessantly as I sport some bling and insist that I'm just 'Carrie from the Block'...

uhhh....in other words..... no.


so yeah... my challenge has been to find a pair of jeans that will withstand my mountainous rear, click back in to my waistline so I don't have a five-inch gaping hole above the crack of my ass, oh, and can I get a pair that I DON'T have to wear platforms in? And while I'm asking... do you think we can get the Gap or Express or Nordstrom's to watch (read "entertain, sedate and pacify because when I'm jean-shopping she strangely resembles a demon-child") Rhena for me so I can sweat and grunt and cry (either usual sadness or for just once tears of joy) by MYSELF without a stroller taking up 9/10ths of the dressing room? maybe????



As luck was having it today... I actually swooped into Express (second home for girls-with-asses, BTW) and snagged a pair of jeans that were on sale for $29.50. not bad, considering ticket price was $59.50. I didn't dare to try them on in the store... not only did I have Rhena with me, but even more horrifying... another mom. ....Not that I didn't think she's proffer the standard cosmiseration that all women share while shopping for jeans... but did I really want to risk having a nervous breakdown in front of her??? sorry... but I actually want to KEEP her as a friend for at least a year before I go scaring her like that.


So I swooped, I snagged, and the purchase was bagged. came home, put rhena down for a nap, and did some stretching exercises before I engaged in battle.

The end result was that the jeans fit ok. I could button them.... BONUS..... and more importantly, I got them up over the bubble some people refer to as my ass. No sweat was broken... so I thought.... eh. I'll keep them. GRANTED..... if I do so much as MOVE or THINK about moving, the crack of my ass will come shooting out like a drunk sorority girl on spring break... but hey....for thirty bucks???? I'll just wear a longer shirt.

History Lesson

No.. today's post is not about the horrible horrible sense of voting I think my readers have.... I'm not going to lecture you on how I think the Lock Ness is a big wet PANSY-ASS compared to the Jersey Devil.... (but that's ok... free world.... free reign on voting, too.... I still love you all)

I'm actually more interested in what brings you here. (but enough about me... let's talk about me!!!!)


Seriously, though... I know I've been blogging for over a year now, and during that time, I HAVE asked my readers WHY they blog.... but never really pieced together how all of you got HERE. I know a good chunk of you are here cause you met me somewhere else... like in real life, or at babycenter.

There's another huge chunk that know of me cause I stalked you long enough at your blog to make you venture over to here to wonder who the hell I actually was.

Then there's another percentage that came here because you saw my comments on another person's blog, and well, whaddaya know.....

hmmm... actually... I think that just about covers everyone.... oh well. I THOUGHT I would have an interesting post with fun comments today. Guess I was wrong.


scrambling...... scrambling.... think....of.....another....topic......

Uhhhh....Rhena woke up last night at 2am. Apparently she was pooping and thought everyone needed to be awake, too. I thought we were in for the long haul when she INSISTED on talking to me through the clean-up process. Luckily, though... she was able to settle back down and fall asleep as soon as her ass was pamper-fresh again.

it was odd... as she hasn't woken up like that in the middle of the night since what... MARCH? so I'm hoping it was just a one-time thing. Coupled with the fact that I found PUKE in her crib this morning... I'm wondering what exactly she was up to last night?

Do we have a future rock-star on our hands???? Lord help us. I mean... she DOES like music, and has a more-than-healthy appetite for mirrors..... hmmmm... me wonders.


oh well. I guess I don't have much to say today. well, at least not yet. I'm thinking I'm due for another culture day here soon. weather is starting to get cooler, and there's a fresh batch of exhibits that need to be checked out.

oh, ok.... speaking of cooler.... does anyone out there have any nice traditions they do with their loved ones in the fall? I'm thinking about starting a fall tradition here in cze-johnson land, but being that I don't really have any going on... I want to do something good, you know? I mean... it's got to be reasonable... Troy and I can't very well take Rhena skydiving or anything.....


I remember as a kid going to Orchard Farms in Jersey (not sure the name of the farm , actually) to their Pumpkin Patch and getting a pumpkin to paint for halloween. The also sold apple cider donuts which were pretty damn good by anyone's standards. I think I'd like to find a pumpkin patch here in North Carolina (preferably one WITHIN an hour driving distance) and take booger for her own memories. Anyone have any good pumpkin recipes?


yeah... so that looks like that's all you're gonna get today. besides... my future rock star needs someone to dance with her as the monkey keeps a beat.


have a great day everyone....

Monday Match-up... Monster Mash

ok... it's October. Time to resurrect the Match-up.


I mean... I realize that with Halloween looming about, it's easy to celebrate doom and gloom... but the key word is CELEBRATE... not brood.


So anyways.. in honor of the month of October...(and my new blog look to boot) I've decided to re-institute the Monday Match-up... but this month will be all about Monsters. And villains and creepies and crawlies.... you get the idea. No nice guys this month.... only bad asses. (and NO, Cheeky... I'm NOT pinning you up against yourself this month. Bad ass you may be... but monster you are not. tough twiddles.)


I know I don't have any new readers since the last time I did a match-up... in fact, I'm almost positive there's a great deal LESS these days (and with good reason... lately I've been pretty depressing and stale to say the least...)

so yah yah yah..... back to the Match-Up. Don't think I need to re-state the rules. I Match.. you comment... someone wins. easy!


This week I want to focus on legendary Monsters. I originally wanted to Godzilla against something, but then I realized Godzilla would kick EVERYONE'S ass... so I had to broaden my search. SO being the egotistical maniac that I am... I had to figure a way to make it all about me.... or at least partly with some reference to me.



I digress.



This week.... I present a challenge in Mythical Legends..... I give you:


The New Jersey Devil

vs

The Loch Ness Monster





if you've never heard of either of these creatures, I invite you to first... get out of the rock you've been hiding under for so long.... and second... click on their names to take you to informative websites. Like I said earlier... anything goes when it comes to criteria you feel is important for winning. Fear the water, so Nessy sends you screaming? fine. we'll take it. Did the Blair Witch Project and last season's Sopranos send you over the edge that states that NOTHING that happens in the woods can be good??? Let it out, my child.... your fears are safe here.


so have at it. let the comments fly. ( or swim... depending on who you're pulling for...)


DING DING

Day of Rest

And on the Seventh Day... she rested.



ok... so maybe that's not exactly how it goes, but damnit... I'm pooped.


Troy has been working late the past few nights, and when he works late, I usually stay up until he gets home. Thusday night he got home at 1:30am... ug. Friday was another late night cause the CEO of the company he works for was in town, and last night we had more company over. Couple in a VERY wiggly baby girl in church this morning, and bitch bitch bitch... I'm tired.


but oh well. the GOOD news is that the guy who troy works with is with his wife right now on the way to the hospital... looks like she's about to have their baby girl. This makes me happy for a number of reasons. First, and most selfishly... the fact that this guy isn't at work today means that Troy will only put in a half day today, and we might actually get to see each other today. (longer than 15 minutes, that is.....) But the other happy stuff is that a new baby is coming into this world, and oh... what a miracle that is.

Another reason why I'm happy is actually for the couple having the baby. Their last child was born at thirty weeks, and that little boy had a helluva first year. From being in the NICU from day one, to getting gangrene of his intestines... this poor little boy has had more surgeries than some adults. These days, he's the happiest little fellow you could imagine... really a sweet boy.... and a TOTAL boy at that. I suppose once you go under the knife a few times, you tend to lose fear for the every day stuff like heights, running, PAVEMENT.. etc etc etc.

But my point in all of this is that Susie (wife in labor) was due to have this baby on October 6th. Being only 4 days early this time means baby girl has a higher probability of being healthy from the get go.... and THAT thought makes me happy. After what they went through with the last one, they deserve an easy go this time around.

Which leads me to my final thought today. Well.. final thought for YOU guys... I may actually manage one or two more thoughts again in real life before today is over.... but I digress....

Anyways... this new baby makes me think about life in general.... especially mine. Sometimes shit is hard. and sometimes that shit sucks, and you don't think you're going to get through it, and it consumes you and you obsess about it.... but sooner or later.... things change, and things start going good again. Our figurative "day of rest". We relax. we enjoy. we recharge.

Granted, this philosophy would lead one to believe that we can count on things going to the shitter again, but that's ok in my book. To me, it just means I have to really enjoy the good times when they're good, and not lose pace when things are bad.... cause eventually shit will turn around and be good again. So that's my though. .....it may not be profound, but what do you expect... I said I was tired.


enjoy the weekend, kiddies......

Welcomed Distraction

ok... I've been getting to emotional up in here lately. I fear I'm scaring everyone off with my mooshy side.... so to bring things around again.... JohnBoy threw a tag in my direction.



You know I hate these things... I really do..... but this is a low-maintenance one, and like I said, I needed a little change of pace, so.... i present THE TAG:

The Rules:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

(Yeah, bitches... it says FIVE people! HAH!)



so... for a blast from yester-year... I give you an excerpt from my 23rd post.... "grass is always greener on the other side of the cervix"

But to really soak up and live the word JEALOUS... well, that might be a
bit extreme.

hmmm. profound. I'm such a deep thinker, huh?


oh well... there you have it. the link is there if you're curious to what I was talking about... and I mean... c'mon.... who could resist? Grass? Green? Cervix???? That's important shit, people!


now my fun part.... inflicting work on others!

for my five people, I Tag:

SUSIE .... cause she hasn't been feeling like posting lately, so here's a gimmie.....

SLACKER..... just cause I'm jealous he's probably got a good weekend lined up.....

KARI.... cause I know she'll be passing it on to Jewl and Mary.....

CHEEKY.... cause I'm just plain curious what will be coming out of her mouth on a regular basis...

and

LIZA... cause I like her new look, and I know she'll hit up Beth.



and for those of you who I read and didn't get tagged... who are you kidding... you know one of these folks is gonna tag you, so might as well start looking now and be ready! :)


ok... the booger calls. time to get tagged for a diaper change!

SO you see... it's like this

So recently, I've been down in the dumps. unable to post. poopy. at a loss for words.


Lots of ways to describe it, but the bottom line was that lately I"ve really been in a personal void. I think I kinda shut down as a means of protection... at least that's what I think I did.

You see readers, recently, someone very near and dear to me admitted to me as well as themself that they have a drinking problem. I say 'they' because it really doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman. The point is that they have a problem, and it needs to be fixed.

And who it is really is immaterial at this point, because I love this person, and the fact that they are hurting hurts me. it also Hurts me to no end that I can't help this person. I mean, sure... there's the support factor... I get that.... but I CAN'T FIX THEM.

I'm sad for not noticing or doing anything sooner. I'm doubly sad for having had drinks with this person. Did I make their situation worse? Was I an enabler? Why has it taken this long? Could I have done something different?

Readers... I assure you I'm not looking for the answers to these questions. I know what they are, and I accept them. It's actually harder accepting that I'm asking these questions in the first place, never mind what the actual answers are.

But alas... as quick as the ink was dry on the above answers... new questions surfaced. And they're ugly questions. They're selfish questions. How is this going to affect me? Am I still allowed to drink around this person? I mean... I wouldn't think about it now... but are we talking NEVER? How will this affect our relationship? Like I said... ugly, selfish questions.


And don't get me wrong... I'm completely engulfed in an urgency to devote myself to supporting this person however they may need me... but at night... those fucking monsters whisper my thoughts out loud and the selfishness shames me.

I imagine there's books out there that state certain stages of the healing process.... hurt, shock, remorse, anger, shame, forgiveness.... or something of the like. So I know I'm just going through the process of working through the situation with this person... but that doesn't make it any easier. My sharp memory of each of these emotions (hurt, shock, remorse, anger and shame) is providing the greatest challenge for the last step... forgiveness.

I HAVE forgiven the person with the drinking problem... but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the feelings I've been having. Those selfish, ugly feelings. And again... I beg you to spare me the comments where you tell me my feelings are natural. I know they are... I really do. I don't have to like them though.

I don't like that my trust in this person has been shattered. I hate the awkwardness. and I'm dreading the first time I'm with this person in a social setting where others are drinking. Will they crack?

Surely time will tell, and as more time goes by, my thoughts will change and my selfishness will stop. I'm excited and scared for the new relationship that will evolve with the person. I wonder if they will like me as much. I wonder if I will like THEM as much. I'm positive I will, with no question, love this person equally... if not MORE out of respect for them facing and tackling (and BEATING) such a consuming issue.... I only hope they will be able to say the same of me.

No Monsters Allowed

funny how some sayings stick with you.



When I was a little girl, I firmly believed there were monsters in my closet. Naturally, this made it very difficult when it came down to sleeping at night.


My dad ingeniously wrote a sign that read "No Monsters Allowed" and taped it to my door, assuring me it would no longer be a problem, being that monsters were no longer allowed in my room.


Call me stupid, naive, or just plain young... but it worked.


Lately... the sign hasn't been working. Perhaps my monsters that hide in my closet in my adult life can't read... or perhaps they're too busy keeping me up at night to stop and read a damn sign. Either way... they're here, and they ain't leaving til I do something about it.


So one by one... I shall fight. and slowly but surely--- I will get through them all.


First one on my list right now is finishing up the thank you notes from Rhena's birthday. Of course, I had to make them myself... to match the invites, naturally..... but alas... the words still need to be penned, and envelopes sent.


So my dear readers... I bid you peace. I thank you again for the kind words of support during my little hiatus. I'll probably need more support in my journey ahead... but I'm ok with that. Nobody said fighting monsters would be easy.

Under Construction

lately, there's been a lot of changes going on in Johnson-ville.


The first and most important, is that Booger is now a year old. NO... I didn't do some long sentimental post to her, and I haven't shown any pictures of the party yet. Perhaps this makes me a bad internet mother, but I couldn't give two shits right now.


Let's just say I've had my own personal hurricane whip through my life and now, together with my husband and daughter... we are rebuilding.


I will be back, and I imagine within a few days, considering I've been pretty much gone for over a week already.


Thanks to those who have expressed concern. it's appreciated.


My thoughts and prayers are sent to those in the path of Rita, especially my dear friend Kelli and her family.

3 days down...

ok, gang--- just thought I would pop up for air and let y'all know that I am indeed winning the battle of the boob.


I've now got 3 days down with no nursing. The hams feel like rocks, and I'm kinda looking like a run-down porn star, but Troy has been appreciating the gratuitous view when I get undressed each night.


Seriously, though... all is going well. I'm really hoping the hams will settle down in size.... exactly how long it takes for these bitches to dry up is beyond me... I've heard everything from a few days to a week or two. But other then spilling out of my tent... er... BRA, and mild soreness... it's not bad.

Susie should get a prize for tipping me off to the distraction faction..... it's been working. not so much for ME... but it's helping rhena's day pass.


speaking of the booger.... I had to do it.


everyone else I know has either had their own website to post videos, or have been using this YOU-Tube thingy...

so not to be outdone....The booger has made the big time.


here she is, taking a few VERY wobbly steps on her own.





If you're getting a red x cause my link-slash-code sucks.... here's a link to the site.

in other news, we now have our "mommy blogs too much" and goodnight johnboy gear, so I'll be posting pics soon. In the meantime, pop on over to my photoblog and check out booger in her tough-girl skater gear... CHAW!!!!


arright. Troy's grandmother is visiting, so I must entertain.

T-minus 5 days til booger's birthday and party. good shit. straight up good shit.

A Tale of Two Titties

This is a public service announcement brought to you by The Hams....


Dear Blog-Land....


Hi! We're the Hams! We decided to take over Carrie's blog for the time being, because we've already consumed her entire day and thought one more thing would be fun.


So we're getting bigger, you know??? Carrie thinks that if she ignores us that we'll just go away, but we have news for her and you... WE'RE NOT. That's right.... we're actually FEEDING off her ignorance. We're getting bigger, STRONGER... and solid as ROCKS!!!!

We think her daughter Rhena misses us, so we're causing Carrie PAIN. big, constant, hit-a-bruise-with-a-baseball-bat PAIN. That'll teach her for trying to make us go away!!!

But that's not enough, see.... we're refusing to fit into ANY of her bras!!!! during the day, all of her bras a re TOO SMALL!!! that's right... even those 34DD tents she bought from Victoria's Secret.... nope. TOO SMALL!!! She thought she could outsmart us by moving up a band-size to a 36DD..... but those bras look even funnier, cause it rides up her back and doesn't sit flush to her rib cage!!! they're so big in the band and small in the cup... she looks like an absolute CLOWN!


SO anyways... we're here, and we're not going away. Carrie thinks she can slowly get rid of us by easing into the whole wean thing... but we're slick to her game. We're going to make her feel like she went cold turkey!!!


We have a few more tricks up our sleeves... wait... we don't have sleeves. well... let's just say there's more in the bag for Carrie.... we're just not telling what we're gonna do yet.

So stay tuned..... we have only just begun the fight!

Sincerely...

The Hams

Playgroup, Dirt, and Leaves... OH MY!

so today was the first day of a playgroup that Rhena and I joined. It was a bit of a clusterfuck with kids running around everywhere, but Rhena seemed to enjoy it.


Plus, the mom that was hosting it had a dog... and as Rhena would say... "dey!! DOYDEY yayyay DOY DOY DOY YAY!!!"

for those of you not understanding Rhenese... that translates to "I like dogs, so I guess we can hang out here for a while, mom!"


Today definitely marks a first for the Booger.... today she actually TOUCHED GRASS. Now when I say she touched grass... I'm NOT talking about POT.... (seriously.. I mean... who calls it GRASS anymore?? PLEASE!)

and no... I have not kept Booger in a bubble. she indeed HAS been around grass before. The big step here, gang, is that today was the first time she touched said grass without screaming and crying like I put her on a bed of needles.

today my friends... RHENA GOT DIRTY. we're talking wet jeans... muddy knees, dirty hands.. the works. She picked up every leaf she came across, and to my relief, handed about 80% of them to me. the other 20% really tried to find their way to her mouth, but then the dog came by and the poor thing ended up getting a number of them on her back and head.

Now, if you know me... you'll have some idea of the magnitude of comfort this action plays in my life. I am JUST NOT A GIRLY GIRL. And frankly... the idea of having a girl who is into dancing and frilly shit and princess crap is tough to swallow. Yessssss..... I'm up for the challenge, and will gladly accept Rhena's likes and dislikes..... but this disco-lovin' momma is praying for a tomboy.

I DO want her to know the rules of hockey, I DO want her Granpa to teach her how to spit, and I DO want her to be able to hold her own on a playground. and yes... I know there's little ballerina girls out there who know about hockey, can spit, and can hold their own ANYWHERE.... My brother has two of them... and they are my favoritest girls in the world that I did not give birth to!


But the dirt today was reassuring.

As for the moms.... it was definitely good to meet some new people here in my neighborhood.... but they all know each other already, so I'm really odd-(wo)man out. Coupled with the fact that I had to be near Rhena at all times, I found it very difficult to feel at ease around these ladies.


They were nice... don't get me wrong.... but as I get older, I find it increasingly difficult to keep having to start new friendships. Be funny... but not too annoying. Be witty, but not a wise-ass. Be nice... but don't get walked on. it's tough!

But alas... I have no choice. I have no stable set of friends here, and this is the price you pay when you move somewhere new. I definitely see how easy it is to fall into the trap of only talking about your child. As a person wanting to fit in...you look for some commonality, which typically is the child and or your mothering experience thus far. The more you do it, the easier and easier it becomes to just talk about the child, and before you know it... you've forgotten who YOU are.


So how to find that balance of speaking in a language that other people understand, making sure I represent myself for who I AM, and not just who's mother I am, and trying to keep up with a group that has known each other for years? It's not easy... I know that much.

I think I clicked with one or two ladies today. maybe not even a click... maybe more like a "cli". and I'll take that... it's definitely a start.


and the dirt. ahhhhh... the dirt. Days like these makes this momma proud.