Valentine's 2006

So today is February 14th. Bring on Cupid! Bring on Chocolate! Bring on the Flowers!


uhhh... is this thing on????


yeah... so there are no cupids or chocolates or flowers up in here. There are no sexy nighties or silk anythings. It's february 14th. big whoop-dee-doo.

But just because TROY is a loser who doesn't shower me with commercial love (honestly... I really don't mind... it just so happens that today I'm craving chocolate, so I'm a little pissy about not getting any) anyways... just because Troy's all BAH-LOVEBUG ... doesn't mean I'm not going to hit you with the sweetness I call my baby.

I mean really... screw the chocolate.. I got all the sugar I need right here!




Happy Valentine's day, gang! MUAH!

I smell a South Park episode

dude.... as if the one episode where South Park ripped on the ginger kids wasn't enough....


I think the USA has another famous 'Ginger' on their hands.


Congrats to Shaun White for nabbing the Gold in the halfpipe yesterday.... that alone makes him fucking rock (YOU ever try doing the shit he does on a snowboard??? exactly....)


anyways... I'm gosh darn proud of him, but dude... he's still butt-ugly. And really... the South Park dudes were on to something..... all "gingers" look ALIKE!!!!!


Out of respect for the medal action, I'm NOT going to a photoshop of horrors on his ass and paint him as Sissy Spacek starring as the lead in Stephen King's Carrie. Nor will I point out that the last name of the character in the story is ALSO White. nope. not gonna do it.


I WILL, however... post this picture that was taken of Sissy Spacek and her daughter... wait... is THAT???? In the background??? naaaaah... couldn't be. ......Though I DO hear that gingers run in packs. (safety in numbers and everything) At this point, I'd say anything is possible.




Either way... I want to congratulation both Sissy AND Shaun for being so accomplished. Who would have thought that with all that teasing they must have got they would have amounted to the successes they are?

Congratulations again, to Sissy and Shaun... you guys are the tops!!!!

Is it just me?

ohhhhhh kaaaaay!


Troy and I watched the Olympic opening ceremonies last night.... after we watched that movie called The Island.


the movie was decent; a little hokey in some parts, but enjoyable nonetheless.


afterwards, we flipped on the coverage of the opening ceremonies.


As usual, I enjoyed watching the competitors parade in. We giggled at some of the stay-puffed attire, chortled at some guys wearing MITTENS... and played 'guy or girl' with some of the European countries' teams. It was fun up until troy realized that the male and female athletes on each team were dressed in slightly different uniforms.

On that note... what happened to France??? Their women had decent hair... but ewww-weee... they were pretty BUSTED! .......oh well.... I'm just saying......

by the way... for the record.. let me say this.....

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

ok. back to Torino. Is it just me... or do they do a lot of WEIRD shit in the Olympic Opening Ceremonies???


I mean... I scratched my head as I watched Bjork's dress cover all of the athletes in Athens.... the song itself wasn't bad.. but DUDE... WTF was up with THAT DRESS????

and last night.... first we have the model on the half-shell... and flying people, and the big ORBS (sun and moon... yeah yeah yeah... whatever you want to call them) but there's these big ole BALLS floating around.... then that dancer dude??? Seriously.... maybe I'm an ignorant American... but next time I see a guy prancing around in a vein-painted bodysuit with a mohawk... I'd prefer he wasn't getting all pointy-toed to club music. I may not be the club-rat that I used to be... but seriously... that shit was a stretch for me. DOES NOT COMPUTE!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!!

my forehead kept crunching up more and more as I wondered what exactly the point of all that was... only to lead directly into a pit-change for a ferrari and major burn-out???

oh well... the fireworks after the ferrari stint were cool... and the cauldron being lit will always be breath-taking in my eyes.


but the orbs and flying people and dancer dude??? I dunno. I just don't get it.

Full circle

so every now and then it's good to scream a little and get shit off your chest.


However... it's also good to just let things go and remember you're not the only one dealing with shit.



Case in point... stuff like THIS reminds me of how very good I have things.




Once again.. comments will be closed. Clearly I'm not the one in need right now... so if you feel so inclined... spread some love over on the link I just listed. thanks.

not-so-reality blogging

So I've had a few things tinkling in my head for quite a while, and two seperate events today brought them to a point that I just need to finally get it out there.

once again... I feel as if my ability to really be ME in the blog world is being infringed upon.


First off... this is MY blog. my safe haven. MY place to bitch and moan as I damn well please because you know what??? the shit's gotta go SOMEWHERE.


This is the second time I feel like I'm having to 'defend' my bitchiness in the blog world, by the way.


why?



seriously... WHY????? why in HELL should I have to defend my feelings to an online journal?

Now.. to the regular bloggers out there, I'm sure I'm getting a HELL YEAH, or SING IT SISTAH! and so forth. Bloggers get it. they really do. Press the "x" and keep on truckin'.... the whole nine.


To the people who know me in real life... I can really understand why my CONSTANT BITCHING may strike a chord or call for some alarm. People that know me and CARE about ME see/hear my bitching and worry. Where's the anger COMING from?? what's going ON??? what's WRONG??? I get that. that makes sense. But there has to be a little leeway here, don't you think? you chose to come in and take a look... now man up and swallow!

I've said before that I bitch here so it doesn't come out on Rhena. or Troy. or the people that know me in real life. I complain and I moan and I groan, and I scream out my happy thoughts and whisper my fears and I sheepishly admit the things I agree to do when I'm drunk.


because this is my SAFE PLACE.


This is MY PLACE that I can pretend to be funny.. or at least try my damndest to be... I can CURSE.... IN BOLD FONTS IF I FUCKING WANT TO!!!!!! I can say how absolutely ridiculous I think our society is and how disgustingly OVERPAID people like Mariah Carey are. (and have I mentioned lately how fat she is??? sorry, Cheeky.. I mean how "fit" Mariah is?? cough cough *bullshit!* cough cough)

I'm snarky. I'm snippy. and then when I get bored.. I curse some more. why???

BECAUSE I CAN.


Now I can go and say that I don't give a flying fuck who thinks what and yadda yadda yadda.... but the bottom line is that I'm just trying to be me.

I REALLY CARE about people. My parents raised me right. I really would give a friend the world if I knew what color they wanted it to be. I volunteer at church. I pray every day. I say please and thank you, and I APPRECIATE what I have, what's given to me, and what I've worked for. I'm considerate of people, and show respect to people who don't even respect themselves.

Generally speaking... when I go to someone else's blog... I play nice. I've never done a drive-by or nastygram. I don't leave anonymous comments because I don't feel ashamed of the things I say.

Today... I made a comment on my friend's blog about someone we both know. I tried to be funny. It was received wrong. The kick in the ass is that the person who took what I said wrong has 'known' me for over 2 years!!! Like I'm the type of person to go out and verbally attack someone other than Mariah Carey?? (or anna nicole smith or our dear pals on American Idol??? ok. ok... and maybe a few others but seriously... no one that I actually know in real life and LIKE ??? dude??? what kind of person do you think I AM???) Now... I will play my own devil's advocate here and say I should similarly know THEM for 2+ years, so I SHOULD KNOW that they run on the more sensitive side of things, and would probably take what I said as personal.

agreed. I should have been nicer... especially cause it wasn't on MY blog that I was making said comments. but still... cheez whiz, Mr Green.... since when do I have to be politically correct all the fucking time????


I used to go to a message board regularly. I've met a WONDERFUL group of women through this board. I've blogged about them before, I'm sure. They have been such a wonderful sarong of support through the whole child bearing process. I really don't know what I would have done without them.

but that being said... I really firmly believe that they don't know me AT ALL. Now I'm not saying that's anyone's fault but my own... I'm willing to swallow that I haven't been all naked and raw and vulnerable and all that shit with them. but it doesn't take very long to know that I have a dry (ok... ARID) sense of humor. yet time after time... a comment from me will turn things into an emotional upheaval. So I edit. and I bite my fingers. and I stay further and further away from WHO I REALLY AM and what I REALLY think, because it often leads to a big ole mess. and I post less and less.

But I'm not complaining. it's not 'my house', so I'm not going to go in and make a mess. at least not on purpose. but shee-it... what's the fun in going someplace you just don't feel comfortable, you know?

but all that is just an aside. it brings me back to my point of having a place to go that you feel comfortable.

I'm tired of being told what I can or can not do or how I should or should not be on MY BLOG. (again... duely noted I need to be nice when I go somewhere else... ) My REAL life is messy. I get angry and upset about silly (and not so silly) things, and I keep them inside until I can get online and unleash my demons. I have REAL OPINIONS which I AM ENTITLED TO... and if I say what I think here and your panties get in a bunch, then you're more than welcome to let yourself out the way you came in.

if I sound bitter and jaded... do I need to remind you that I'm from New Jersey??? fucking A, people... it's IN MY BLOOD!!!! it's HOW PEOPLE FROM JERSEY ARE!

I have stuff going on. I've been stressed. and yes.. don't we and aren't we all... I know. but again. this is MY HOUSE, and I got the microphone. so no offense... if I sound a little bitchy... well... it's cause I CAN BE. you don't like it?? well.. I'm sure there's a nice way and a not-so-nice way to tell you what to do.

But it's cool. I know and you know whether or not you have even the FAINTEST idea of who I really am or whether or not you get what I say. I imagine there will be some readers analyzing every damn word I use in this post trying to figure out if I'm talking about them.... and others will be like... blah blah carrie's venting again; all systems go.... and others yet will just simply leave a smartass comment about how I need to stop being so bitchy, or send me links to pictures of how fat Mariah is... cause that's just how shit rolls in Fever-ville. and it's all good... cause i'm not trying to tell you who or how to be.

I'm just saying back the fuck off and let me be me.


*******EDIT!!! I removed the option to comment, folks. I really wasn't looking for validation as much as I was getting shit off my chest. really. I just needed to vent.

A little Back Door Action

So today we're getting our back door worked on.



whoa... what did you THINK I meant when I said "Back Door Action"??? friggin' SICKO!!!!



anyways... it's been a royal pain in the ass (excuse the comparison..) for a while with the house settling and stuff. essentially, the door jam has shifted, and it takes about 6 curse-words and four bowls of wheaties to pry that sucker open... and don't even get me started on when it's humid out!


Our Warranty guy kept saying how the strike plate needs to be adjusted... blah blah blah.... but I was telling him the door needs to be re-installed because the house settled and shifted the jam so much that the door is completely out of whack now. But no no... warranty guy says the door gets "sticky' when it's humid out... and the strike plate just needs to be adjusted. Apparently because I have tits and don't work, I don't "get" humidity and how it affects wood... (NOR do I have an earthly idea of what happens as a house settles) and can he infer any more that I'm a silly little woman who should just bake a pie and have more children????

I'm sorry... I must have been faking it with that whole engineering degree and being project manager of multi-million dollar construction projects. silly me... where's my oven mitts????



But dah-duh... The door dude agreed that the entire door needs to be re-installed cause of ... what's THAT???? .... oh??? the HOUSE SETTLED AND FUCKED UP THE DOOR YOU SAY???????

so it's NOT the humidity and my weak weak pie-making arms that are causing me to not be able to open the door??? Yeah..... that's what I THOUGHT! how you like me NOW?????

I mean seriously... even if it WAS the humidity... FIX the shit so it works!!! I mean... not to state the obvious, but it's NORTH CAROLINA, DUDE!!!! IT'S ALWAYS HUMID HERE!!!!!!!!! just fix my damn door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but whatever. dude can't fix it today, cause lo and behold, the whole thing has to be re-installed. Sucks that it's not fixed yet... but oh... it feels so good to know that I was right.


oh well.. I'd vent more, but I have a coffee cake in the oven that's just about done. Me, June Cleaver, and the other walking uteruses on my street are going to hang out and darn some skirts this afternoon. maybe we'll even finish our hemming quickly and have time for polishing our silver after high tea!


ps... I said it in the comments, and I'll say it here...I feel like people TOTALLY cheated on Susie's contest today. and while I'm at it.... Jenni (love you girl... I really do!) should only get half the points for her answers cause she didn't follow the rules. I'd say screw her, she gets NONE, cause I'm a competitive bitch like that... but like I said... I LIKE Jenni... so she should at least get half-points for her 2nd, third, and fourth guesses...

and SPEAKING of competitions... did you get your vote in at the Haus for the DAWG contest??? I am SOOOO gonna win that one!


Thanks again to DAN for the template-o-rama help. looks like we're all squared away now... and I got to add in a few of my own fashizzlins to make it Feverish.

Have a FABULOUS wednesday gang....

Death by Blogger

this thing is gonna be the death of me... I just KNOW it.



ok... I'm STILL working on the layout stuff. DAN was good enough to send me some code... and it would fix the whole 'posts-on-top-of-images" problem, but when you scroll down, you would lose my chicky. and I LIKE my chicky. I want her staying put.


so now you have my NEW chicky and valentiney colors... but my cell paddings are all jacked up and my side bar is out in nowheres-ville. shitbaggers!!!!


Time for me to hit the showers and eat something, cause if I don't... things is gonna get reeeeeaaaaal ugly up in here.


in the meantime... bear with the construction pains.... or go visit one of my friends listed on my sidebar. THEIR templates are working fine. I mean... if you can FIND my sidebar content and all.....


peace out...

Reason # 8732

why I love Troy....


it's 9:08pm and we just ordered pizza cause I'm hungry.


pizza in bed, baby.... oooooooh yeah!

To the lady behind us in Church today....

...it is FAR more disrespectful to LOUDLY carry on for 10 minutes DURING COMMUNION about how kneeling is better than standing and standing is far better than sitting for showing respect to Jesus.

From those of us whom you made sure you claimed are putting "personal comfort" before our respect for our Lord and Savior.... SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!


And not that it matters... because apparently you feel you are the Captain of the Holier-Than-Thou team.... but Msgr. Bellow has announced several times that until our new church building is completed... it is perfectly acceptable (and ENCOURAGED) that people SIT during traditional times of kneeling during Mass. But maybe you didn't come those weeks. or were TALKING TOO LOUD TO HEAR HIM!!!!!



most sincerely....
the horribly disrespectful CCD teacher SITTING DOWN and trying to PRAY INSTEAD OF TALKING DURING COMMUNION.

getting shit done

I think a while back I suggested the idea for there needing to be a Nobel Prize for getting shit done. (I'll have to find the post and edit in the hyperlink later)


I may not be a contender for this award right now... but I DO feel pretty good about being able to knock a few things off my list as of late.



below are the finished BUNCO invites... they came out ok. Pictured below is the front and back sides.

I wanted a digital as well as hard copy, so in case I ever start an event-planning business, I have record of all the shit I've done in the past. I have copies of Rhena's birthday invites, my Christmas social invites, all the favors I've done for each party, and pictures of the food spreads.... cause let's face it.. what's a party without the grub, right??? I figure by the time Rhena is five, I should have a decent portfolio built up. Plus my girfrHENS from the neighborhood have already asked me to help them with their kids' upcoming parties.


SPEAKING of parties... saw the COOLEST thing the other day... an event planner did a gala for a writer of some TV show, and she configured the serving trays to have little screens in the center that played episodes of the shows the writer had aired. fucking COOL, I tell you. If Rhena's not a rock star by the time she's 16, I think I could TOTALLY do something similar with still photos instead of video footage. but I got time for that.


what else... oh yeah... everyone has been doing these, so I thought I would do one, too. I may just order a t-shirt like this... it's pretty sweet.

ok... Boogie's up, and with a face like this... why would I want to miss out on time with her????






peace out!


oh yeah... one more thing..... Rhena wanted to say thank you for all the lovely comments you guys left her the other day.... she IS a bit like her momma with lovin' the love y'all leave.

The Fever's Guide to Being Bitchy -- Regarding FAT

ok... here is my separate post about being bitchy. (yeah yeah... I know... those of you who know me know I could write an entire blog about this subject... not just one post... but still.... shaddup and listen!)


Today facet of Bitchy I want to focus on is FATNESS.


now... anyone who's a friend of the Fever knows I am CONSTANTLY bagging on Mariah for her ballpark frank fingers (they plump when you cook 'em) ... her thighs that look like pale crunchy cheetos, and just her poor poor taste in clothing and everything in general.

yeah.. I said it... MARIAH'S FAT!!!!


and let's face it... women are the ROUGHEST bitches around when it comes to the subject of fatness. We are hard on EVERYONE... ourselves... others.... shee-it... I've been known to poke fun at fat ANIMALS, too!

But there are a few rules that should be followed.


ALWAYS.



FIRST OF ALL..... it's ok to outright call someone FAT. This right is not exclusive to skinny people. That's right... even if your ass was on Montel last year cause you're too big to get out of bed... even YOU own the right to call someone fat. It's a STATEMENT. like saying... "YOU'RE A GIRL!!!" You don't have to be a girl to call someone a girl... or I suppose the correct phrasing would be that you don't have to be NOT-A-GIRL to call someone a girl... so why should you NOT have to be FAT to call someone FAT??? If someone is FAT... get out there and say it!

(I'll wait while each of you finish muttering under your breath how I'm a fine one to talk.... once you get that out of your system.. continue reading)

OK. so we agree that it's fair to call a spade a spade, right?? I'm going to assume you do... cause you're still reading. otherwise, I suppose you COULD be taking notes so you can just go off on my ass in the comments... but that's cool.... just keep reading.


Now... While previously stated that it is perfectly fair to outright call someone FAT.... I feel it's important to exercise discretion when stating the obvious. I mean... this is a guide to BITCHINESS.... not outright CRUELTY.

Normal people do not deserve turrets-like outbursts to be bestowed on them regularly. Normal people are just trying to do their thing like everybody else, and deserve a little slack. So while I feel that RULE #1 states that anyone and everyone can call someone fat.... I don't necessarily agree that it should be the normal greeting for everyone.

I personally prefer to dish out helpings of rule #1 to celebrities, because they're making gobs and gobs of money, and why should they really care what I call them, anyway? They could just go visit Tom Cruise and get some feel-good medicine from the Head Alien if I really got to them, you know? Or pay someone to hold their milkshake for them. I know that always makes ME feel better.


RULE #2... EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BE HARD ON THEMSELVES. Listen here... if I want to bitch about my fat rolls, and my shadow I see from my still-soft-post-baby belly... then damnit... I HAVE THAT RIGHT!!! I can make moo-ing noises while I scarf down appetizers.... I can speak in metaphors all damn day about my ass if it pleases me. It's MY body... *I* live with it, and I'll make fun of it if I damn well please!!!!

It's kinda like Troy.... *I* can make fun of him, cause he's my husband, and I have to smell his farts every day. But if anyone else on this green earth makes fun of Troy, you KNOW I"m gonna throw down, cause that's MY MAN!!!! (ok... unless, of course, I'm hosting a caption the picture of the toothless husband contest.... then i'ts ok....) but you get the point.

The way I look at it... things can get pretty boring when you CONSTANTLY have to listen to your one friend drone on and on about how fat she is as she eats a whoile package of oreos. People like that tend to lose their audiences after a while... cause, well.. it gets old.

my suggestion for a practical use of RULE #2 is to practice snappy lines at home by yourself. that way, when you DO have an audience... people ENJOY hearing you bitch about yourself. For example... would you rather be out to eat with your friend as she drones on and on about how her clothes don't fit her anymore, and she was crying and crying and it's horrible how much weight she's gained, will you please pass the appetizers??? or would you rather be across the table from someone who says... "DAMMMMN!! I gained so much weight over Christmas, that elevator HAD to go down!! hah hah hah, now share some of those fat sticks with me, sister!"


RULE #3... This is where shit comes together. While it is ok to call yourself fat... and it is acceptable to call someone ELSE fat.... by NO MEANS WHATSOEVER SHOULD YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE UNLESS YOU KNOW FOR DAMN SURE YOU'RE SKINNIER.

let this sink in.


Call yourself fat.
Call someone ELSE fat.
do NOT... repeat... DO NOT say someone is fatter than YOU, unless said statement is true. In fact.... you should pretty much always tell the other person they are skinnier than you, even when you know in your heart that you're skinnier than them.

It's a girl thing, you see. Women are CONSTANTLY judging each other. it's what we do!!! I would venture to say that 8 times out of 10, a woman has mentally checked out another woman and categorized her well before any words are even exchanged.

fatter or skinnier than me?

prettier than me or not?

what's her ass look like?

hmm.. at least my boobs are bigger.

ewww, and her makeup is bad.

but this is a tangent. my point is that everyone already knows who's skinnier... so even though you BOTH know the truth... the dance begins.

if you LIKE the person you're talking to... you will tell them they look good. She then will tell you how fat she is... then you tell them, no way... you're totally skinnier than me, I hate you!

If SHE likes YOU... she will return the compliments... blah blah blah... No... YOU'RE skinnier than me... blah blah blah.

and the subject will change, and you both make fun of Mariah Carey.


Now, in cases where there's an OBVIOUS difference in weights-slash-sizes... When the girls like each other, they will STILL find ways to compliment each other. It's what we do. When you LIKE someone, you offer support and camaraderie. period.

BUT.... If/when you have an encounter with someone who is OBVIOUSLY much LARGER than someone, and the LARGER one says how the two are THE SAME SIZE.... Well... That's opening Pandora's box of bitch-slapping if there was one.

I mean... I'm not saying that this has happened to me before (ok... I'll say it... it HAS) but damn.... don't be stepping on my ego like that!!! I mean... I know my ass ain't SMALL... but BITCH.... you got yourself a fucking CADILLAC back there, so don't be telling me "we're the SAME SIZE" and that we can just go on diets together... ESPECIALLY when I never said anything about going on a diet in the FIRST PLACE!!! BITCH!!!!!!! Telling ME I need to go on a diet... HMMMPH!!!

but I digress.

My point is this. DON'T make personal comparisons, unless you're being NICE to someone. Even for a bitch like me... it's not nice to do.... and if you DO decide to go ahead and make a comment like that.. be prepared for a little backlash. you have it coming.


Now... if you DO happen to find yourself on the receiving end of a "huminuh-WHAT did you just say?!?!?" situation... I recommend the following.

The next time your caddy-ass friend INSISTS you are the SAME SIZE... buy her a pair of jeans for her birthday. IN 'YOUR' SIZE. with NO gift receipt. And make sure she knows you didn't give her the gift receipt cause she's always telling you how you're the SAME SIZE.

Then maybe refer her to this post, so she can brush up on the rules. But seriously. get her the jeans. I promise you won't hear her compare you two ever again!



----------

happy Friday, gang....

Doing my chores

lots of stuff going on in Johnsonville, gang.



Been busy trying to fix my template. Thanks to Dan for sending me the html codes... I'm still weeding through it, though. I PROMISE the page will not be all flippy-floppy soon. (dad.)



Tried to clean up the sidebar a little in the meantime... if your website isn't listed.. or listed WRONG... let me know. I'll alphabetize it later... first things first, ya know?



Took Boogie to the doctor today... got her second half of the flu shot. she was SO GOOD.... only cried a little bit, but then once her pants were back on she was all smiles. Funny... I cry when my pants are off, too... she must be related to me!


a GOOD thing about going to the doctor today was that I got a chance to weigh Rhena. In the past, we had had some problems with her being a bit underweight. I am happy to say that my chubby monkey is now a whopping 21.5 pounds!!!! Granted, she was fully clothed with shoes on, but this is big stuff for us, and we're very proud of how far she's come along! (at 13 months, she was still roughly 18.5 pounds, so now at 16 and a half months, and about 3 pounds later.. we're REALLY PLEASED!!!) ice cream for everyone!!!


I've also been working on invitations to a bunco group I'm starting.... we're hoping to get that off the ground this month.


I had a random thought today that should-slash-could go in my "Fever's Guide to Being Bitchy"... but it's a good one, so I'll do a separate blog entry.

Our guest toilet is still leaking, even though the plumbers 'fixed' it on Tuesday. Fuckers. they're coming back tomorrow.


Randy had a DAWG attack last night on American Idol. like THREE of 'em in a row. He definitely has a lot of pent up DAWGGING to do.... I'm nervous, cause if keeps up these Turets-like outbursts, I'll be screwed when it comes time to tally the contest.

LOVE how Paula made a point of saying she didn't want the 16 yr old boy to go through. that he wasn't ready yet. Like that's supposed to make us believe she wasn't juicin' to him. Nice try, Paula... didn't work, though.


SPEAKING of not working... I totally need to do some shit around here before nap time is over.


I leave you with this CHEESY picture of Mariah. (get it??? CHEESE as in... Holy shit, who slathered your legs in FETA????) Thanks to CHEEKY for the contribution. WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY does she insist on wearing shit like this????

"no, no... I want THAT piece of pie, and THOSE milkshakes over there..."

johnson.... OUT!

A message from Rhena

ok... just cause my mom has been spewing hate lately... I thought I would take over the blog today and share what my day is like....

waking up is FUN!!! I STINK!!! cause I POOPED!!!! SEE ME???? I'm making my SMELLY FACE!!!!

Diaper changes are FUN TOO!!!! SEE ME???? I'm CLEAN!!!! I'm making my I'M SO HAPPY I DON'T HAVE CRAP IN MY BUTT ANYMORE FACE!!!!!

Did I mention HOW FUNNY it is when Mommy GAGS from my POOP??? bwuahhhahhahhah.... kills me EVERY TIME!!!

THEN we get to GO DOWNSTAIRS!!!!! SEE ME???? I LOVE walking down the stairs!!!

Oh my GOD!! have any of you ever tried MILK??? it is like the BEST THING EVER!!!!!! This is me drinking milk cause I LOVE IT, and it's supposedly GOOD for me, too, but whatever, cause I LOVE IT, and it's great when I'm thirsty and stuff!!!

OK... and this is me outside... cause OUTSIDE is SO MUCH FUN!!! when we go outside... I see CARS and PEOPLE and DOGGIES and HOUSES and MORE DOGGIES!!!! See me??? This is my LOOK MOMMY I SEE A DOGGIE OVER THERE face!

I LOVE it when I find a clean window... it's SO FUN to make fishy faces at the girl in the glass!!! SEE ME??? this is me making my BLAH BLAH BLAH TO THE GIRL IN THE WINDOW face!

I LOVE taking a bath... it's so much FUN!!! SEE ME??? This is my HURRY UP, MOM.... I WANT TO TAKE MY BATH face!

this is my towel!! isn't it cool??? You'd totally want to take a bath if you had a cool towel like mine!! well... except your name isn't Rhena.

ok... I've tested the waters, so it's time for me to get in and say good night. hey... wait a minute...... MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...... I can't BELIEVE YOU JUST TOOK A PICTURE OF MY HINEY!!!!!

*sigh*

oh well... I guess that's 'the end'. have a great night, everybody!

and since I'm feeling better....

I just saw a commercial for Big Momma's House 2.... and besides the fact that the movie looks TOTALLY GAY....


I couldn't help be reminded of our dear pal Mariah.

TELL ME they don't look alike.... at least related??????










ok, ok, ok.... maybe they're not IDENTICAL.... but you know for DAMN SHO' our dear pal MiMi would have done better in BMH2 than she did in Glitter......

Paging Smurfette's Prom Dress.....

seriously.

I'm not saying Britney doesn't look incredibly toned for having a baby not so long ago. More power to her... I really am jealous of those arms.

but the I-stole-this-from-smurfette-during-her-1986-prom Dress?????

do I *NEED* to comment about the velvet-didn't-my-make-up-Barbie-head-have-one-of-those neck choker things??? didn't think so.

somebody ought to stop her before she bee-lines it out of the trailer park and runs right into the cartoon network.


also--- will someone tell me when exactly KFed turned into a fat and ugly version of Bo Bice????

That kinda sucked

well... so much for my fabulous weekend with my girlfriend from Seattle.


Apparently, my stomach decided it WASN'T done throwing up every imaginable everything every other hour or so.


so let me back up a little.

when I had a run of about 12 hours with not-getting-sick... we thought we would take a stab at going out on Friday night.

people.... I put on makeup!!!! we're talking major night out here!!!


so I got all gussied up, poofed the hair, fluffed the twins, and headed out to a night with my friend. no child screaming... no husband... just me... her, and OTHER ADULTS. OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE. so off we went!!!!

It was a great night... a little brisk, but there was that 'friday night' vibe in the air. it took me a little while to recognize it, but by the time we hit up the ATM, I could feel it in the click of my heels (that's right... I said HEELS!!!!) and this mama was ready to PARRRRRR TAHY!

The restaurant was packed... there were PEOPLE (adults!! everywhere I looked!!!) milling around, laughing... ordering drinks.... it was so damn normal, it felt surreal. so we sat down, and our cute waiter boy flirted with my girlfriend as we ordered.


My head was dizzy with sweet expectations of three or four courses to be ordered, and EATEN while STILL HOT!!! (or still cold.... either way... NOT ROOM TEMPERATURE!!!!) and enjoyed WITHOUT RHENA ON MY LAP!!!!!!! I would indeed be able to use BOTH HANDS TO EAT!!! you know... that crazy notion of using my utensils correctly??? With my potato cakes appetizer and lemon chicken entree ordered, I was in heaven. I probably could have peed myself.

sad to say, though, I took one bite of my appetizer, and immediately knew no more food should or WOULD be going in the IN door of my mouth for the rest of that night.


All at once, the flush sweaty fever that starts at the base of my spine and rushes up to my head and enshrouds me like a helmet took over my every move.

my throat closed.


my lungs began to melt.

dare I say it, but I think my wrists were sweating, too. Downward spiral party of one? yes, YOUR table is now available!


my friend was a good sport, and we got everything wrapped to go as I busted out my lamaze breathing techniques. Baby, shmaby.... this kind of breathing is needed for exorcisms!!!


so we made it home, and yes... RALPH and I had many many many conversations throughout the night.


so much for the makeup......



but now that my friend is back in seattle, and I'm actually keeping food IN ME.... I'm bummed about timing. hellllllew??? WHY couldn't I have been sick LAST week when she wasn't here??? or THIS week, after she left???? talk about fuckernuts!!!!

however.... as bummed as I am.... I DO realize that even though the night or weekend wasn't what we had planned... it was good in terms that I know where I stand with my friend.


She didn't bitch once about flying all the way out here to watch me sleep and throw up all weekend. she didn't bat an eye when I made her "WALK FASTER WALK FASTER WALK FASTER...... oh wait... no no no... I can't move... go slow go slow go slow...." and she told me at LEAST ten times how pretty I looked that night.


so yeah.... it sucked... but it was ok. and even though it was short-lived... I did get to go out.


and that one tiny bite of potato cakes???? TOTALLY worth it!!!

well THAT didn't go as planned!

so yesterday I had all sorts of plans for a walk with Boogie, a little blog-reformatting... and a bit of laundry cause my girlfriend from Seattle gets here this morning.


well... apparently my stomach had other plans for me.


In addition to the previous mentioned... there was a lot of THIS going on, too.

so all in all... NOT a fun day.


Rhena was a total doll for me, though... she took longer naps, and was extra affectionate, which despite my every inch of being hurting like a mofo... felt really nice. One time my head was in the bowl, and she came up behind me.....laid her head on my back, and started patting me with her little hands..... ON MY BACK..... as if to say... "there there, momma... you'll be ok!!!" ......I swear if my hair was longer, she would have held it back for me.

as for today... I'm down five pounds (TOTALLY water weight, but hey... gotta love me a lower scale!) and my body feels like it's been mangled by a truck a few times. I DID, however, keep a total of 5 saltine crackers and one slice of toast down (or UP... in regards to the poop-chute) ALL NIGHT... and this morning it DOESN'T feel like all of santa's elves are scraping my innerds with forks. I may actualy even pass for hungry, if I didn't know any better.

so that's a good thing.

The downside to all of this, of course, is that I have a LOT of tidying to do this morning before my friend gets here, and I DIDN'T really go off on the American Idol contestants this week. I also missed participating in Susie's contest... and missed about a THOUSAND e-mails from my friends yesterday. boo-hoo.


I doubt I'll be posting again until Sunday, when my friend leaves.... so if I don't... you know where I'm at.


Have a great end of the week, gang... and I for sure will catch you next time around.

smooches!


PS.... thanks to all my fellow Olympians who are commenting on the new logo!!! I appreciate the compliments!! :)

I did what I could

ok... I changed my little picture chick.


it's sassy, and damnit... I'm keeping her.


if it's scrolling under my posts... again, I will suggest that you make your viewing window a tad wider until I learn how to fix my middle column so it doesn't go a wandering.



but other than that... American Idol tonight....


did anyone else notice HOW EMBARRASSED PAULA WAS when Marvin-Gaye-singer-dude carried her out of the judging room (while she was *ahem* RIDING HIM LIKE A FREAKING BRONCO.........) and lo and behold... Dude-guy IS MARRIED?????



HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAA ahaaaa haaa haaa *cough!* WHEEZE!! *COUGH!!*

fucking classic.


I counted at LEAST 4 DAWGS from Randy tonight. I wonder if my bet is too low???


I'm also apparently going to be bringing home nothing but silvers in the bloggerlympics. oh well... they'll match my wedding ring.



ok.


there'll be much ripping on people to do tomorrow, so I'll cut this short. night, gang!

I'm an athlete. No..... REALLY!!!

ok... last night I mentioned that I joined the Blogger Olympics over at Barbara's place.



So far I've been middle of the road. on Monday's Blogging events.... I was JUST short of earning a gold medal.... the event was Duration... or something to that effect. the top 10 percent of competitors who have been blogging the longest (in number of days) would earn a gold. The LOWEST ten percent got bronze... and the rest of us sheep herders got silvers.


It's a feel-good competition, you see.... everyone gets points as long as you do the required task.

of course... this is doing a number on my competitive side... both competing nights I have been the first poster to complete the task... (no extra points for that, though... so I'm a loser)... but have fallen short of the gold mark. arrg.


Last night's event was rate of posting.... in other words... what's your ratio of posts to number of days in blogger existence. I had a rate of one post every 2-point-something-or-other days. I know I won't be in the lower 10 percent... but there's NO WAY I'll be in the top ten percent... so once again, I'll be in the silver group. fuckernuts.


Not sure what Barbara has planned for the other events.... but I'm trying to be the first one to post, just in case she decides to throw some extra points out for promptness.

I'm wondering if 'best cheering section' might be an event... if that's the case... I'm going to need to all to be ready to go to Barbara's site and put a vote in for me. and you know me... I ain't too proud to beg... so purty please... be ready to vote. again. just in case.

but for now... I'm enjoying the games. It's a fun idea, and I'm meeting all sorts of blogger-folk.

The grand champion Olympic Blogger (big winner) will get their merits plastered and decreed on every participants' blog.... so you know me... I'm gunning for the publicity. ok... maybe not GUNNING for it... but damn, I do love me some attention! :)


ok... so that's it for now. I'll probably add a tracker to my sidebar so y'all can see what medals I'm bringing home to the Fever-House. maybe just maybe... I'll get at least one gold.


signing off....

daaaaa-DAAAA-duh-duh-duh-duhn-duhn-duh-duh-duh-duh-daa-duh-duhn-duhnah-duhn-duh

It's like Dukes of Hazard ...... in VEGAS.

sometimes, I gotta admit.... Troy really has all the right words.

tonight, he made the shockingly wise comment while we were watching Las Vegas (I heart you josh duhamel.. and even though I'm married and everything, I would still totally let you be my boyfriend, except for all the sex and stuff, cause I ain't down with cheating on Troy... but yeah.. you... me... we're SO THERE, dude...)


yeah... so dear ole Troy made the comment about the show Las Vegas being like Dukes of Hazard in Vegas. hee hee hee. funny boy.


in other news... I'm participating in the Bloggerlympics.... more details about that tomorrow.


other fun shit going on the wide web is that Hanni Haus is hausting (get it... hAUsting, instead of hOsting... oh whatever.... it's late. just ignore me!)

anyho... she's got a Randy-Jackson Dawg metering contest going on. or something like that. check it out for yourself.... and place your bets if you're game!!!


ok... time to catch some zzz's. I've spent the entire day in deliriously-happy-mode for my mom-to-be-friend. hee hee hee... still makes me smile thinking about her!!

but seriously... this happy shit is tiring. I gotta get some sleep!

Prayers

so anyone that knows me pretty much knows that every night I say prayers with Rhena when I'm putting her to bed.


They're nothing fancy, and are usually interrupted with Rhena making motorboat noises, or pausing to climb up over my shoulder to bleet like a mountain goat (no... I don't know WHY she does it... I think it's just cause she CAN)

Anyways... so no biggie. we say the Lord's Prayer, and a Hail Mary... then we just talk to God and thank Him for all the things we have in our lives.

We thank Him for all the love, health and happiness... for those are things we have in ABUNDANCE every day.


We thank Him for the challenges that we were faced with, because they present opportunities to learn... whether it be how other people feel, or characteristics of strength and belief in ourselves... you know... different stuff, based on the situations.

We also take time to pray for our friends and family. We pray for their happiness and well being... and that wherever they may be, that they know in their hearts we love them.

Now for our friends and family that are being faced with challenging situations... be it cancer, (or some other form of sickness), a relative who may be dying, infertility, accidental pregnancies, or a broken heart... I have come to a place of understanding with my God.

you see.... to know me is to understand that I DO BELIEVE in God, and that He is the Mighty Creator. I believe that He has a Devine Plan, but that He also gave us as humans a great gift... the gift of Free Will.

So sometimes... believing in both a "Master Plan" (so-to-speak) and Free Will... I am occasionally in a quandary of trusting my empowered choices, or just trusting that 'things will work out'.

The path I personally have chosen to take is that of making choices to the best of my available abilities, and then letting what may come, come. It may not be the most solid path in the eyes of others, but it's the best I've found so far that helps me maintain Spirituality and Faith in my life while setting an example for Rhena that she as a woman is capable of nearly anything. and that's the click, you see.... I may not be an extreme example of righteousness or empowerment... but I'm trying to set the stage for my child to see what options are out there. So while I may lose points in the public eye for not being strong in any direction... I don't give a shit... cause I'm opening two doors for Rhena, instead of one.


so THAT being said.... I feel it is my duty to not contradict myself when I say prayers with Rhena. as much as I WANT to ask God to cure my cousin's cancer, and stop my friends' parents from being so sick or dying, or that these friends will get pregnant, or those ones will find the loves of their lives.... or get a job.... Rhena and I pray for our friends and families to find the strength to get through the challenges they are faced with, or to find love and acceptance with their lives, or have the courage to change their situations when possible.


But all of the above is really just a side thought. what I wanted to say is that today, a dear friend of mine called me to give me some news. It seems as if one of my prayers has been answered, and that due to some recent events.. they have a renewed sense of self... and a totally new lease on life. I couldn't be happier.

I know I didn't have anything to do with it..... but I do believe that since Rhena and I have been saying prayers at night, it's getting easier for me to just 'be there' for my friends instead of saying what or what not to do.... and let them know that I was there no matter WHAT THEY DECIDE to do (or not do). Don't get me wrong... I'm still going to add my two cents every now and then... old habits are hard to break....


hmmmph. speaking of old habits.... I started watching TV and have totally forgotten where I was going with all of this.

no matter. I'm deliciously happy for my friend, and pretty damn content with my own life right now to boot. and as for the prayers... well... at the very least it's a sure fire way to remind myself of how much good I have in my life... and maybe a little bit of the appreciation factor will rub off on Boogie.


so now... before I start rambling about how HORRIBLE the Carolina Panthers are doing, I'll end this.



peace out.

Squatting???

ok.... I think I need a little clarification here......


when women suggest that men should "squat" to pee.... are they saying the guy should bend his knees slightly to get better aim, much like a bowler must ensure his or her teenage thumb hits their forehead to throw better????


ok... maybe the bowling reference threw you a little... but remember... I'm Polish.. and I do love me some bowling.

But you know what I mean... in softball, basketball, football.... pretty much any sport I'm thinking.... SOMEONE has advice on how to throw, shoot, roll, spit, WHATEVER just a little better.



So I was reading over here at Mike's the other day, and there was mention of him SQUATTING to improve-slash-decrease the amount of ... shall we say... PIDDLE that ends up on the floor.


as I read the comments... girl after girl was telling him to squat while peeing.


AM I THE ONLY WOMAN THAT FINDS THIS DISTURBING?????


I mean.... I'm not one to hang out in men's rooms, or even attempt to make it my business to be a spectator in or anywhere NEAR the bathroom when Troy gets in there.... I mean... good Lord... I usually get the lingering odors, and more often than I would care to admit... he'll give me a play-by-play of his latest shit..... including shape, color, smell, and pushing level required. BELIEVE ME.... I don't ask.... it's just one of the 'perks' that comes along with being with Troy.



Now in the times of mighty bravado that is sooooooo becoming of my dear hubby.... he has often left the bathroom door open. Personally, I think even HE'S afraid to be in a small room with his gaseous ass..... but nonetheless... the door is wiiiiiiide open, for all to see his naked ass, or boy-like antics. I swear Troy has never progressed past the age of 7 in terms of bathroom etiquette....

He whistles at himself... gives LOUD narrations on his hose, python, mighty sword... and other creative terms for his penis.... NO. Troy can not just pee.... he must go on stage.



but all of that is really just an aside.


The point I'm making is that in all of Troy's antics.... I have NEVER seen him squat to pee.


I've seen (both in Troy and on TV) the lean-forward-cause-he-has-a-boner-and-it-won't-bend form of peeing.


and I know that during times of shitting.... no guy in their right mind is going to stop mid-push, pinch it off, stand up and pee. No.. I firmly believe that guys will PURPOSELY try to push out a shit and pee at the same time, cause on some remote level it's "cool" to be doing more than one bodily function at once. Hell..... if I had to bet, I'd say Troy would be the type to even try to bust out a fart, too... though farting and shitting at the same time is difficult... and painful. (at least when *I've* done it it has been....) So maybe if he can't get the fart, I'd at least expect him to try and BURP while peeing and shitting at the same time... like some weird guy-olympic event.


so in the case of the shit-pee.... I'm willing to rationalize that guys are sitting.


but for a regular pee???? hmmm.... bending the knees I can see.... but sitting????? I just don't get it.


I mean... isn't that kinda what makes guys GUYS????? I mean... I thought that in the beginning of the game, when the Dealer was explaining the rules... GIRLS get to blame every bad mood on PMS, and GUYS, in turn, get to pee on stuff. While STANDING UP.


So speaking of bending the knees... which indeed would define "squatting".... is there any good that comes of that? GUYS??? any thoughts?


But Ladies... and for you GENTLEmen out there..... SITTING to pee..... please... help me understand this one. I mean.... I may be grossed out every time I walk by the bathroom, and there's Troy's ass or antics hanging out for me to see.... but I guess I come from the mindset that when a guy "sits down" on the can to pee.... his balls kinda disappear.

I think I'm coming down with something

ugggg..... so all day yesterday I kinda had a sore throat and the shits. (no... not directly related to each other... for all those weirdos that keep coming here for asshole fever..... just kinda both hitting me at the same time...) I know that's kinda gross... but listen... you weren't here, so at least be thankful for that.


What makes me CONFIDENT, however, that indeed something is wrong with me... is that last night, Paula really only bugged me ONCE... if at all!!!!

no, no... she DID bug me once... when the I-have-lots-and-lots-of-teeth 24 year old breathy singer was doing his thing. It bugged me how she just sat there and smirked, imagining all the things she could do with him, since he was actually legal to be having things done with.

Side note... is it me, or has anyone else noticed that whenever Paula REALLY likes a boy, she does this whole passive-aggressive thing where she sits up straight and takes charge of the voting??? "Randy?? what do YOU think??? Simon??? " Cause you know inside she's wiggling with delight with her "PRIVATE BIG GIRL THOUGHTS". ew.



Speaking of BIG GIRL..... have I mentioned lately that Mariah Carey is a fat sleezebag??? I was laying in bed this morning, slowly trying to just swallow (yes.. throat still hurts a little today.... no shits yet, though, so that's good. Though I AM drinking coffee... so that could change my bathroom activity right quick...)


ANYWAYS........... I was laying there this morning thinking that our dear pal Mariah is starting to remind me a lot of KIRSTIE ALLEY!!! (pre-Jenny-weight-watchers-fast program days) take a look for yourself.....


















Again... no disrespect to the former Cheers Kitten.... I know she's just trying to do her own thing.... I was just saying... I think we could pretty much do a Monday-Match-up with these two, being that they're probably in the same weight class these days......


But enough about that.


Things go on as usual here in Johnson-ville.... I had to go to Wall-fart yesterday to buy the dear-Lord-I-hate-this-place-so-let-me-get-at-least-two-months'-worth-so-I-don't-have-to-do-this-again-for-a-while diaper stash. I think when Rhena gets to the age where she could even remotely CONSIDER having sex, I'm going to bring her to Wall-Fart repeatedly, telling her that if she ever has sex, she'll get pregnant, and will be forced to go there over and over again to buy diapers because they are the cheapest around for miles and miles. If a half-hour trip to Wall-fart every day doesn't knock some sense into her, I may beef it up with a soundtrack of a screaming child, or the smell of baby vomit on her clothes and in the infants' section in general.


but what else???

Last night I did NOT receive a live telecast from the bon-jovi concert.... (he was here in Charlotte) my friend that was supposed to go ended up NOT going, so boo-hoo... no 10pm phone calls.


I've been pleasantly amused with Laura's comments as of late. She's been taking to 'singing' in her comments. I'm hoping today I'll get another... thinking maybe the Cheers theme song, in honor of Kirstie??


Also had two new posters lately... so welcome to the madness, novaks8 and dakotablueeyes....


I'm sure there are other things to post about, but the coffee is starting to kick in, and I think I should probably shower.



Do your taxes, folks!!!!



johnson...out!


PS... for shits and giggles.... go ahead and throw a vote for Mariah or Kirstie while you're at it.... it's been a long time since we had a match-up, and like I said... same weight class and everything.....

so DING DING!!!!

We interrupt this broadcast...

sorry gang.... I was full of high hopes and running on a sour stomach last night. I really really wanted to talk about how much of a obvious pedophilia Paula from American Idol is...


but this girl.....


Crystal Parizanski, some 16-year-old gone horribly HORRIBLY wrong..... just had to be poked at.



It's NOT that she was a horrible singer... cause BELIEVE ME..... she was definitely sucking big time!!! it was a combination of her HORRIBLE makeup, her LACK of any form of brain cells.... and her cheap-ass-meth-looking whorebagging mother.


I don't know whether to really earnestly laugh or be sad. I believe under all that fake tanning and inches of makeup, there is a beautiful little girl... provided she keeps her mouth shut, that is. The mother was at least sensible enough to NOT open her mouth too much when she, too, was called into the judging room.

Perhaps Mama Parizanski was watching Mama Hilton the other day and took her wardrobe cues from her.... but just short of busting out more Mariah-Carey-is-fat comments... I'm gonna have to say Mama P looked like shit.

and as for Crystal... well, I bet her and the Ukrainian chick can get together and start a strip club. The 'dancers' don't have to talk in strip clubs, do they???



oiy, vey... it's gonna be a long season.



Johnson, out!

oh happy day!

something must be inherently wrong with me, because I am so very very excited about tonight.



my wait is over!!!!


TONIGHT...... American Idol returns!!!!! and tonight is the mother of all shows.... not only do I get to make fun of Paula... but TWO WHOLE HOURS speckled with people humiliating themselves!!!! I think I may even make some popcorn... good times!!!


Speaking of POPPING.... in a mini-edition of "oh-no-she-di'int"..... I've got to stop and take note of Kathy Hilton. I mean... I GET IT that whole money doesn't necessarily buy happiness.... but to make it blatantly clear that money also doesn't buy CLASS????? Did we really need to see this???

Kathy... from me to you.....


Honey... you're FORTY SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!!! YOU HAVE FOUR KIDS!!!!! Here's a novel concept.... let THEM do the partying????


Seriously... you could probably SHIT money if you wanted to, yet you insist on going out with your daughters and club-hopping??? C'mon.... no one wants to see you shake your ass. NO one needs to see your raccoon eyes or your double chin.

And for God's sake, woman... if you refuse to act your age and insist on shaking up and re-defining what "Motherly Love" represents... AT LEAST PUT ON A BRA. Your boobs are flopping all over your 1996-lace-pattern-from-victoria's-secret-shirt, and your nipples are visible.

I'm not against couture or a nipple flash here and there, but for crying out loud, Kathy... when you're as rich as you are... people watch what you do. and frankly... what YOU'RE DOING right now is looking like Suzanne Somers in an un-cut version of Three Company left out in the sun for about 30 years. (side note... Suzanne turns SIXTY this year... she has an excuse for looking old.... ) Put them away, Kathy... just put them away..... and try staying home one night and baking cookies. Or hanging out with people YOUR AGE.

either way.... just get dressed and stop trying to be young again. I'd hate to see you looking (even MORE) like the Gastineau Girls.

johnson, out!

It's like Christmas in January!!!

ok.... so to prove I'm not a TOTAL scrooge, here is a very belated and VERY long pictoral review of our trip to Jersey....

well.... before we left, we thought we should get Rhena ready for the cold weather....

not sure if she enjoyed how ridiculous we made her look. note the "are you kidding me???" look on her face....

Eventually, Christmas came and we were up in Jersey. We started celebrating on Christmas Eve, with the Czernikowski Family Wigilia.

Here's Rhena all dressed up and ready for Wigilia:and of course.... with her formal coat, hat and purse on.... can you say STYLIN' ???

Many presents were opened that night... also... here's my hair, for those interested..

Too bad Rhena didn't really care for Santa.....

Bonus picture.... this is my oldest neice, Dara.... a future heartbreaker, for sure.. but for now she holds the title for reigning (gingerbread) Man-eater... FIERCE!!!!

I did get a picture of all the kids (my two neices, my nephew, and Boogie) all together by the tree.... for the ultra-observant... NO... my SIL and I didn't plan to dress the girls alike... we just both really like gymboree!!! no matter... I thought they all looked adorable together..... you know... when Rhena wasn't screaming and all.... this particular picture was a happy scream, I think....

Back at my parents' house... we dressed the kids in stupid elf hats. Here's Dara, Delaney, and Damian wearing the obligitory silliness..........














And of course.... we couldn't forget Rhena... no one escapes!!!

More presents were opened.... 'Grampy' watched, while Rhena decided it was more fun to get IN the box that the toy came in.....

see??? I told you.... IN the box!!!!

Of course, there was other fun and shenanigans along the trip.... Troy remembered why he loves Dara so much.... what is the saying about Misery loving company???

We also went to see Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the state theater... my folks sprung for all the tickets, as well as these t-shirts for all the kids.... Rhena seems like she has room to grow into hers a little more....

We also got to visit my cousin and her little girl while we were home.... Lindsay has a REALLY COOL little couch that Rhena was digging. The girls had a great time playing together, and I really enjoyed catching up with my cousin.... (notice how Rhena makes herself at hom and props her feet up like she owns the joint...)

We had some downtime, too... I got to watch a movie with all the kids.......

Rhena also got some one-on-one time with Grandma and Grandpa......

and by the time all was said and done.... Rhena was pooped.

so.. it was a very nice viist home. The folks are planning on coming down thisaway for Easter, and I've got to say I'm excited about it. But for now... things go on as usual.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

Thunder Alley

well... today we're finding out the hard way that Rhena doesn't care for lightning and thunder.



do the words "scared shitless" conjure any images???


yeah... anyways.. it's weird, cause this is definitely new around here... she's slept through thunder, near hurricanes, and even a fireworks assault just as recently as New Year's Eve at my parents a few weeks ago... (don't ask... it's a long story that ends up with my parents' white-trash neighbors up the street setting off fireworks----even though it's illegal in the state of New Jersey---- every damn holiday or eve of a holiday, or when Miller Lite is on sale. New Year's was no different... with minimum 12-minute booming assaults happening every hour ON THE HOUR from midnight til three in the morning. I guess they were helping other time zones celebrate as well???)

so yeah... in the past, Boogie has been able to sleep through all that shit. well today... the thunder came a roaring when she was awake, and she was NOT HAPPY. Thankfully, we had a teeny lull in the storm activity, so I brought Rhena up to her crib for a nap. I'm hoping she can konk out before the thunder acts up again. We'll see.


bless her little heart, though... she was literally SHAKING earlier. Lord help me, I have a warped sense of humor, and I DO find it amusing when she gets her cage rattled a little... but this made me sad. Even my black-hearted bitch self doesn't like to see a baby THAT scared.

so we'll see what happens... the rain is coming down a little harder again...... so wish us luck.

hope your friday the thirteenth is a little less scarey!

Note to Self

Dear Carrie;


It's shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse.


got that???


let us repeat that for you....


shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.




Not conditioner (shit!) rinse, shampoo, rinse, shampoo(damnit!) rinse, conditioner, rinse.


It is also not body wash (shit.. though your hair was supple and silky soft that day, we admit), rinse, shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse.


Again... please note....

shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.


Your hair is three inches long, if that. It is NOT necessary for you to be shampooing twice or three times each shower. honestly... even if Rhena shat directly on your head, you would not need the amount of shampoo you have been using the past three days. so quit fucking up the order, and get it right!!!

so come on, Carrie... say it with us....


shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.


Thank you,
The Management



PS.... once you get back in the swing of washing your hair without screwing up, you might want to remember to shave your legs. Just an idea.

So Wave your Hands in the AIR

.... and wave 'em like you just don't care...


'cause if you GOT play group,
and you HATE play group...
somebody scream "HELL YEAH!!!!"

Today's post is brought to you by the letters P ( P is for PLAYGROUP!!! and PUTRID weather!!!) and N!!! ( N is for NOT NAPPING NOW, which is what rhena is doing!)

Just got back from playgroup... GAG.... which was held this week in the zoo ... er, I mean... children's section of the mall. Our grey balmy morning turned into a wet rainy afternoon during the time we sat wide-eyed at the monsters... I mean wonderful little precious children running around the enclosed area.

I know part of me should be concerned that Rhena is going to turn into a wallflower, but I can't lie... I'm secretly glad she was standing there giving all the other kids the "what the fuck is WRONG with you kids" look the whole time. Nothing a box of raisins couldn't cure, though... as long as I kept the supply of sweet goodness going from the box to her hand to her mouth, she didn't seem to mind that utter chaos was happening all around her.

...I, on the other hand... think I need a drink. and an excederin. at the very least some more coffee.

~ happy hump day, gang..... I'm going to lay Rhena down and fire up the x-box..... I'm in the mood to kill something.

A Rare Find

so yesterday, I was doodling around on the computer, and I decided to check out my stats page. In my reporting pages, i get a list of search phrases people have used in order to end up at my blog.


The search engines used are Google, MSN, and Yahoo, from what I can tell... but that's not the interesting part. the shit I'm utterly FASCINATED by... and I'll admit... just a *TEENY* bit creeped out by is WHAT people are searching for. For example.. who knew Susan Lucci had such a strong hold on the internet??? (and such a strong connection to my blog??? WHY DO YOU HAUNT ME SUSAN??? WHY??????) and what's the fascination with Rachel ray half-dressed???? anyways... have a look for yourself.... I also listed HOW MANY TIMES each phrase was entered to get people to here.... and you KNOW I couldn't help but add my own commentary as well....


enjoy! (this list was edited to remove the boring and understandable searches)



how old is susan lucci 7 - seriously... not sure if ANYONE knows this answer
fuzzy naval - 5 - gotta love how drink searches point towards me.
petocin 5 - as in... PETOCIN didn't do SHIT to help my labor progress???
corn 5 - as in corny-funny, or corn the vegetable? I'm not getting this one
ass hole fever 3 - oh yeah... I got a fever for the flavor of an asshole??? EWWWW!
e cards for rude people 3 - this is just classic, and I'm sure my brother will love the fact that I'm pointed to when it somes to cards for rude people. CLASSIC, I tell you!
ding fever 2 - don't even WANT to play the "as in?" game here......
pictures of dirty tinkerbell 2 - Fairy fetish, party of two???? you're table's ready!
hot naked children boy 2 - Make that a table of four.... in JAIL, you sick motherfuckers....
jack daniels slushie 2 - this actually sounds pretty good right now!
belly button sweater 2 - must... stop... the .... visual!!!!
fuzzy naval drink 2 - as compared to a hairy belly button wearing a sweater?
Belly button pictures of teachers 2 - Van Halen anyone?
blog jon farriss 2 - did I MENTION I used to love INXS???? love love love INXS!
THE IJDM GROUP 2 - from the latin proverb... It Just Doesn't Matter....
staying alive the song 2 - yeah bitches.. I got disco.... come get it!
"girl burping" 2 - now playing every other soda....
mammories 2 - well, it's pretty obvious why they ended up here for that!
A Tale Of Two Titties 2 - that was SUCH a great blog post title!
wicked monsters 2 - these two people must have been searching in Boston... wicked cool!
"WHERE MY REAL DOGS AT?" 2 - I'm gonna say back in the 90's where you got that saying, jackass!
mariah carrie 2- I can never pass up an opportunity to remark how fat nasty whorey Mariah is!
Dum-dah-dah, dum-duh-duh rocky soundtrack 2 - dude... who TYPES this shit????
on what day is MadHatter Day celebrated? 1 - good question! anyone? anyone??? Bueller???
dirty johnson 1 - Troy might be happy to know about this one...
pictures of rapper lucky lucciano 1 - huh???? has Rhena been posting shit again???
what does chimichanga mean 1 --Heartburn... in Taco Bell, that is!
picture of paula abdul crying over constantine 1 - I can NOT WAIT for another season of bagging on paula!!!!
susan lucci + how old 1 -give up, people.. no one's talking!
a cheerleader that poops while cheering 1 --HAH!!!! that's actually some funny shit! (get it... SHIT???)
ijdm 1 - see above...
Rachel Ray bikini 1 - for thrirty-minute tan lines?
rum jungle girls 1 - once upon a time when I was allowed in vegas, this would make sense... not so much these days....
What is the name of Mike Brady's architectural firm in Brady Bunch? 1 -- another good question!!! anyone know it??
rachel ray bra 1 - now available for purchase at a cooking store near you?
what is a scoundrel 1 - go ask webster, and leave me alone!
the Lakers song" are you ready for this?" 1 - I believe it was Technotronic.... I could be wrong though.
her stump muscles 1 - "my stump, my stumps... my lovely LADY STUMPS! check it out!"
fever exotic dancer 1 - why yes I am, thank you very much!
tri star vacuum 1 - they still suck, btw....
f.c.i. memphis murder 1 - noooooooo clue about this one!
"tri star vacuum" 1 - still sucking!
did elvis presley wore diapers on stage 1 - I think even I don't want to know the answer to this...
girls with big feet have 1 - big shoes? incomplete sentences???
stomach pains and crapping blood 1 - always nice to know there are other sout there like me...
period aunt flo crimson 1 - why yes... she IS in town this week... thanks for asking!
johnson paint 1 - as in the BRAND, or paint for the johnson???
tri-star vacuum 1 --- do I need to say it?
pregnancy pictures-belly shots 1 - kinda creepy....
sneakers doodling 1 --- actually, we doodle with PENS around here... not our sneakers... sheesh!
the way should talk about sex 1 -- I'm going to recommend using a complete sentence as a start....
hat fever and balance instability 1 - WTF????
rappin john wayne 1 - CLASSIC!!!
da ha john wayne 1 --- - you KNOW you're going to be singing it all day now!!!
tuaca stomach 1 --- ugggg... been there... had that!
picture of Charlie brown kite eating tree on a shirt 1--- classic!
Magnum PI anthem 1 --- you're KIDDING me right???
Susan Lucci 1 --- I must be the expert on the lady
OLD "SUSAN LUCCI" 1 --- looks the same as a YOUNG susan lucci
susan lucci & family 1 -- she HAS a family??? but she's like the undead!
words to the song little rabbit froo froo 1 -- all I know is he was hopping through the forest
free mommies titties 1 --- nothing's free. ever.
perfect juicy ass 1 --- that's it??? ONLY ONE HIT???? damn... I got to start working out again!
free edible candy poops candy seeds 1.... I can still hear the lambs!!!!! make them stop!
"damsel in distress" gas 1---- as compared to 'damsel in good mood' gas????
wives riding harleys nude 1 -- gonna go with no way in how on this one, gang...
rupaul, hormones 1 -- work it, girl!
"shit fire and save matches" 1 - That's just funny. I need to say that more!
crandberry jello salad 1 - as compared to it's better known cousin cranberry jello salad...
my husband wears my panties and i like it. 1 - WOW.... OOOOKAAAAY then!
fat nude kid boy chub young 1 - ewww. gross people! There's some sick ass motherfuckers out there...
rude christmas e cards 1 -- I should start a business!!
fat mariah carrie 1 --- why yes she is..... even though it's mariah CAREY
plop plop little bitch 1 -- oh what a relief it is??
ass fever 1 --- asses are a popular subject, huh?
nude blogspot 1--- nope... not here... but thanks for trying! drive through, please!
www.Kentucky horseshit paper weight.com 1 - I got nothing. this one is on its own.


so there you have it... or at least there you have SOME of it. regardless of what people type in to get here... you just gotta love a list that ends with Kentucky Horseshit paperweight. (dot com, no less.....)


have a great day, gang!

Leave it to Google...

to list me as #2 choice when people search for

"Dum-dah-dah, dum-duh-duh rocky soundtrack"


yeah, folks... it's gonna be one of THOSE weeks.....

The games we play

so this weekend was a good one.


yesterday we had two of our neighbors over after boogie went to bed. We had a few drinks and snacked on chips, dips and fondue. mmmm... fondue! I've decided that anyone who has a fondue pot who doesn't use it must have the kind with the sterno under it... cause those suck. Mine is the electric-all-over-heat-you-can-use-it-for-soup-or-meatballs-or-cheese-or-my-personal-favorite-chocolate.... have I mentioned my fondue pot kicks ass????

anyways... we had a nice night... played Uno and Phase 10. good times. (plus, there was fondue..... mmmmmm, chocolate fondue!)



Today we had one of my new mom friends over with her two kids for dinner. Her husband has been in Arizona for a week on business, and she's been at her rope's end. She has no family nearby, and her kids are 3 years old and 8 months. Did I mention the three year old can talk and apparently likes to express her opinion on everything??? did I also mention she was at her wits' end?

SO to give her a *teeny* bit of a reprieve, I've been having her come over or go out for walks with me and boogie.. and today we had them over for dinner. Tonight the three year old was being a bit three-year-oldy, and I noticed my mom friend kept apologizing. Offering justifications and explanations why the three year old was.... well..... THREE.

By the time we managed to get to dessert, it dawned on me that even though I couldn't at first understand why she kept proffering apologies... I came to realize I could have been looking in a mirror.

Why is that??? Why..... especially among our closest friends... the people who know us best... do we constantly apologize for things beyond our control? well... at least I know my friends and I do that. I suppose I know other people who DON'T do that.... but I've never been one to care for parents that let their kids run amok with no regard. I mean... I agree that kids will be kids, and for the most part shouldn't have to be apologized for..... at least not constantly. an acknowledgement that your precious offspring is being a complete SHIT is nice.... but if the company you're with says it's ok... just let it be ok...


*** I'll be with you in a second.... I'm just re-reading what I wrote, and trying to convince myself to follow my own advice*************

anyways... so yeah... I sat back tonight, all third-personish... and realized that it sucks how she, I, we.... play those games. I'd say that maybe we all just need to be a little more real... but I think that it's in being real that we end up being the way we do. IN REALITY.... I'm insecure... a people-pleaser. I CARE what people think, and I hate being a burden on others. Consequently, I internalize when I'm stressed, and obsess about ridiculous shit. I over-analyze pretty much EVERYTHING. I apologize for situations that I have nothing to do with, and never allow myself to believe when friends tell me that "it's ok".

SO in a brief moment of clarity; a bizzaro second where I had the power to help myself by helping someone else.... I told my mom friend not that it was "ok"... but rather that she was doing a wonderful job. That her children were happy and she was doing a really really great job, especially for being on her own this week. And you know what??? *IN* that bizzaro moment, my mom friend smiled, and her running screaming three year old was temporarily muted to us both in a cloud of comfortable acceptance.

2006 good reasons

well... I know I said yesterday that I already made my resolutions a month ago on my birthday, but being back home again has helped clear my head a little, and I think I really should make a resolution for 2006.


I've decided that this year should be about appreciation. .... MY appreciation of others, that is.



I mean... I hate to say it, but at some point in the past few weeks when I wasn't looking, generosity and love from others just kinda came in and tackled us. From friends, from family, and from strangers.... in obvious ways and some more subtle... Troy and I have been surrounded in abundance lately.


No doubt the sheer act of coming home and unpacking the car and going through our mail made things pretty obvious. Seeing all of the gifts that the three of us received, and getting so many cards from friends near and far.... and now, getting caught up with friends that actually missed us while we were gone. My neighbor met up with me and gave me cookies she made, and gave me a package that had come for Rhena while we were gone.... (CUTEST personalized towel and adorable SLIPPERS from my girlfriend)

But anyways... where was I going... oh yes. This past Christmas was more of a bare-bones Christmas for Troy and me. We managed to give small things to a select few... but so many others got nothing. perhaps a little too late to be as poignant to you as it is to me, but I really felt like the Little Drummer Boy this past Christmas. (I have no gift to bring, but I'll play my best for you....)


SO while I am still slightly tinged with guilt that we didn't do more for more... or more for the ones we actually DID give gifts to.... I feel obligated to play my best for them.. for you.

I think of my family... immediate and extended... related and not... and for all they do for us SO OFTEN..... they deserve the best. They deserve appreciation. they deserve thanks... they deserve respect..... SO that's what I'm going to try to do this year.

don't get me wrong... I'm still going to bitch about things, and everyone in Hollywood is fair game for my "oh no they di'int" commentaries.... but to those people in my life who are IN my life.... this year I hope to make you happy you are.

first post back

it's always interesting when I type a 'first post' after being gone for a while.... do I just jump right in and blather on about something, or do I do the obligatory summation of what's been going on since I last posted???


I feel torn between the two, but I left my cable that uploads pictures form my camera to the computer in New Jersey, so until our dear USPS brings said cable to me (thanks again, daddy)... I really have no visuals to share.... so I guess you're stuck with me just jumping right in.


I'm feeling pretty good about this new year of ours. Granted... I DID get a little head start on y'all with my resolutions.... trust me when I tell you I was over the guilt of not keeping them by Christmas!!!


but yeah... it's January... the Johnson crew is back down here in the south, and the weather is gorgeous. I mean walking-outside-without-a-coat gorgeous. I'm loving it, don't get me wrong... but something about springy weather in January makes me start craving some winter-esque scenery, and as you can plainly see from the looks of the blog... makes me break out in a third-grader's version of a dream room. well... except no unicorns. definitely passing on the horny horses, thank you very much!


right now, I'm a bit tired... and VERY hungry. I'm about to wake Boogie up and take her for a walk... but I needed to get the 'first post back' over with. I had like a good dozen or two topics popping all in my head these past few weeks, but I'll be damned if I can remember any of them right now. oh well. first post back... whaddaya expect??


oh well... happy 2006, gang. more to come soon.