of endings and beginnings

woke up this morning to an email (either a twitter or people magazine recap) stating that Heather Armstrong (aka "Dooce") had died by way of suicide on May 9th.

ooof.

I'm not one to be typically affected by 'celebrity' news.  Generally speaking, I have no idea who is who in the world of society A or B listers.  Sure, I know of some actors and musicians but let's face it, I'm just trying to keep my team of three afloat; not giving more than half a shit about what so and so says to eat or wear.  Will I watch a movie or show and listen to music and attend a concert?  damn skippy.  but until one of these folks is paying my bills or feeding my kids or doing my job, I just appreciate them for their ability to entertain me, and that's about as far as it goes.

Does that mean I'm unaffected when I hear about tragedy?  no.  I still feel sadness or compassion when I hear stories about so and so's divorce/accident/sickness/death etc.   but somehow...  in the early morning darkness...  this one hit different.

Seeing her name was like being hit with an instant combo of confusion and familiarity.  I admit; it took me a few minutes to truly remember WHY I knew that name - but almost as if I were a bottle of soda that's been roughed up on the way home from the store, my feelings of true sadness were like a tense pressure that, although slow to start, ended up being a fast and furious wave of release.

Dooce was there back then. Straight up OG.  I didn't personally know who she was but MAN she was a great writer.  a BLOGGER.  a founder of blogHER.  Before the days of the Twitter Fail Whale, instagram, snapping and any of these 30 second tiktoks.  She was REAL.  well, she felt real to me.  unabashed raw musings that gave me courage to feel my feels and write about them.  Well..  a FILTERED version of my feelings, because I knew (strike that.  I "firmly believed") that I could never be my true self for the public to see/read/digest.

For whatever reasons I honestly don't recall...  probably just got busy with trying to survive my OWN life and stopped trying to pay attention to OTHER people's lives.  Anyways..  I stopped following her.  But hearing that name was a wave of familiar then sadness to learn of her death.

I thought about all of the different people I "met" through blogging.  it was such a good community.  random souls that, among other things, supported my unbridled love for murray's french toast sticks when I was pregnant with Rhena.  They cheered via comments and consoled in ways that were warm and genuine about topics I believed I couldn't voice to friends/family/neighbors in real life.

But then, as blogging became more popular, I found my filtering became stronger.  My words and topics were guarded.  So much so that I created a secret blog.  I had forgotten about that.  I read some of those entries this morning and man.  they were full of darkness.  

fear. 

anger. 

There was also a lot of hyperfocus on my weight (yeah, I almost spit out my coffee when I read an entry that was worried about my weight gain to 123 pounds. hahahahaha  WOW. just...  wow.)

Looking back at myself and my private journal entries, it's really a shocker that my marriage lasted until 2012 because man oh man..  the signs were there as early as 2008.  ok, earlier than that..  but I'm not here to split hairs.  I can say that I fully and completely wanted my pregnancy of Daniel, and my heart ached for friends that were unable to conceive at the time. I was indescribably in LOVE with Rhena and the fact that I was her mom.  But I wasn't happy.  and I hid that side of myself from others.

Did Heather do that?  did she hide her real self from her audiences?  or worse..  did she make herself vulnerable to any and all that passed by?  Or was that better?  was she authentic regardless of the audience?

I don't know.  I also don't know the space one must be in to feel that suicide is the best option.... and that's just so sad.  not sad that I don't know that place.  For that I am thankful to not know that plight.

it's still sad to me though. There's no denying that she was influential and a huge contributor to the online community in the early days.  She opened doors and shared examples and for better or worse inspired others to write/share/connect.   Like I said..  I've "met" a lot of great people online since those early 2000's and I will forever be thankful for the varying levels of support, kinship and connection that I received.

This also makes me think of how social media has literally exploded in the last 15+ years.  Words and concepts like 'Mental health' and 'authentic' and 'connecting' are part of our everyday vocabulary... but are they truly part of our everyday practice?  Reality shows are scripted.  "Content" is curated, edited, and published on schedules.  Is the constant barrage of messages and images of perfection so loud that we can no longer hear ourselves or loved ones when they are passively (or even ACTIVELY) seeking help?

I fully recognize that there's nothing I could have done to change Heather's decided path... but it makes me pause enough to remember that everyone has a secret journal.  some might be written, some unspoken.  some just show up in quiet tears in the bathroom or in sleepless nights or in addictions.  I hope if and when the time comes that I can help a person feel better or good or seen or accepted beyond the version of themselves that they choose to share with me.

And to the November Newbies and Hännikins and Erin B and Erin Cooks and Kerri Anne and Laura and M-Baby and JohnBoy and Julie and Cathi and Mary and all the others in between?  Thanks for accepting and loving me regardless of what version I shared.  Never underestimate the value of the kindness you shared when I couldn't be kind to myself (and I had to stop impersonating Randy Jackson.)

xxoo

Just in Case You're Still Listening

Hi Rachie.

Not sure if there's any truth about those souls who have gone on being able to know what's going on here on planet E, but *I* believe in my heart that you're tuned in, so this needs to be said.

Though, I suppose if you ARE tuned in, then I really DON'T need to write this, but this is one of those times where I think it's ok to share with everyone.

ANYWAYS..... (I know, seriously... I CLEARLY haven't perfected the ability to GET TO THE DAMN POINT in the time you've been gone, now, have I?)

so yeah. you know I'm down like a clown for the Avon Walks. But did I ever tell you (this time YOU being whomever is reading, not just Rachel. Rachel's a given.) anyways-- did I ever tell you about how at the walks I would buy Rachel some type of survivor gear? well, I did. And in 2008, I stood in line, picked out my pink stuff, grabbed a cute Survivor hat for Rachel, then muscled my way to the cash register. All was fine until I handed my stuff to the cashier and realized that I was buying a survivor hat for the biggest reason WHY I was doing the walk, and that she had passed away the month prior.

so for any of you who happen to know ME... I shut down in times of crisis... especially emotional ones. SO yeah... frozen with internal vomiting and heartache, I just bought the hat, walked to my car and bawled my eyes out. good times, huh?


So that damn hat has been in my closet.

reminding me.

At one point I considered sending it to Lindsay, Rachie's daughter, but I didn't want to add any more reminders in her life of what she's surviving and living through every day. So in my closet it stayed.

STILL reminding me.

So completely off point, but not really... Troy and I signed up for some "living your strengths" series at church. blahbitty blah... (but not really, cause it's been a GREAT eye opener and I'm glad we've been doing the program) so this woman ended up coming to my house to go through the 'lesson' with me, since the way schedules worked out, I was going to get a private session.

Before the lady comes to my house though, she sends me some cryptic email about not being around germs, and I'm all like.. are you fucking KIDDING me? I have 2 kids!! and I sure as hell don't DUST... so I politely wrote back and told her we're HEALTHY, but if she's afraid of dust, we're going to have to find another place to work.

so ya ya ya.. all's fine. she comes over and we do the lesson, and she's quite a lovely lady. towards the end of the lesson, she semi=apologizes about the germ thing, and I was all.. "yeah, so what's up with that?" and she's all.. "well, you know.. because I'm starting chemo...."


BLERGH.

yeah.. you know.. just starting chemo. no big deal. *sigh*

I kept my shit together for about a good 5 minutes before I was unintelligible in terms of speaking.

________

from then to now is unimportant, but I have to say I feel blessed for having this woman come into my life. She didn't know about the avon walks right here in charlotte, and it felt GOOD to tell her about them. it felt GOOD to meet someone I do this shit for. of course the circumstances suck ass, but this instant kinship I feel with her is a blessing.

no... knowing her won't bring Rachel back, NOR will it lesson the loss we all STILL feel from her passing. no... that part doesn't change.

But my new friend started her chemo today, and in 18 days, when she will begin to lose her hair, she will have a fancy new (ok, maybe not-so-new) pink survivor hat to wear. And while I'm still angry and hurt and EMPTY in so many broken ways that I couldn't give that hat to Rachel... I'm hopeful that the strength and spirit of Rachel will be with my new friend as she fights.


so there. and just in case you ARE listening, Rach... forgive me for the re-gift. But thank you. thank you for bringing her to me and reminding me to never stop fighting.

the after

AFTER I was done calling everyone, cutting out our logo and putting it in buttons, printing signs, doing iron-ons for bandannas and aprons, buying/checking the posters, inflatable guitars, records, glasses and other paraphernalia, going to event eve, meeting the team, giving them their start and meet times, picking up last minute items and driving home... well... AFTER that, I got to tuck in my babies and tell them why I was going to be gone all weekend.

AFTER I told Rhena that I would be gone all weekend for an event that was raising money to fight cancer.. a disease that makes people so sick that some actually die... I cried. I cried because my daughter was going to miss me in the next 2 days, and Lindsay's been missing HER mommy for over two YEARS.

AFTER I woke up at 2:30am, drove downtown, helped to set up breakfast, greet walkers, break down and clean up opening ceremonies, drive to a different location, set up the wellness village, set up the dining service tent, greet more walkers, saw familiar faces, heard 100s of stories-- inspiring, sad, and wonderful, served dinner until after 9, and drove all the way back home... I walked into a house that looked like it had exploded. There was literally stuff EVERYWHERE; icing smeared on the table; empty boxes of cereal on the counters, FULL bowls of cereal in random locations in the tv room... but I didn't do a damn thing. I didn't get angry, I didn't clean, I just said goodnight and walked upstairs for a nap.... grateful for a husband who stopped time in his world so I could volunteer MY time at the walk. Somehow a messy house seemed pretty insignificant at the time.

AFTER a 4 hour sleep, I went back downtown, picked up a crew member at her hotel, got to the wellness village, served breakfast, greeted over 1000 walkers and crew with a hot breakfast, cleaned up, cleaned even more, said my goodbyes, gave my thanks, and got in my car to drive home... well.. AFTER that, I smiled. I SMILED because as I looked at my clock, I realized it was still early enough that there would be moms waking up and greeting their children... snuggling and having breakfast and NOT FIGHTING.

AFTER THAT, I got wistful, because maybe some of those moms WERE fighting, but at least they were still alive to fight another day.

AFTER THAT... I looked at my clock again, and when I realized I had been sitting in my car for three minutes, and according to statistics.. another person was just diagnosed with breast cancer in America.... I let myself weep.


AFTER THAT... I looked at the rising sun, I said a prayer of thanks for my health; a prayer of strength for those who need it, and one more for peace for all the souls who have been lost to cancer... and I drove home to love, hug, and hold the three most important people in my life.

After that? I signed up to do it all again next year.

Good for the Heart

So I found out today that my dad has a blockage in his heart and will need surgery. that kind of blows. I mean, YAY.. it's good on many levels that he's at least seeing a doctor, and they are taking an interest in procedures to you know.. keep him alive. that part I like.

I don't like thinking of the fact that I am getting to the age where my friends' parents are dying. Just last week another one of my friends from high school lost her father. and I definitely don't like the idea of my dad needing surgery. for whatever good it may create.. it doesn't mean I like the idea that he needs it, period. it makes my heart heavy, and don't even get me started about how I can even imagine functioning when the day comes that one of my parents pass away. I start going there and I turn into an emotional wreck... THEN I start thinking about how Rachel is gone and Lindsay doesn't even KNOW the ways she misses Rachel yet. fuuuuuuuuuuck. "hello, psychiatric hotline?? yes, Carrie here... please send the meds... yes... I've gone THERE again..."

The walk is this weekend. I haven't been doing NEARLY as much chatter/fundraising/awareness raising as I normally do. I don't know why that is... it's no less important to me this year than previous years.... Maybe I'm getting to the second stage of things? like with Rhena.. when I was pregnant, and after she was born, I would post about pretty much anything. The monster moved!! I had the craps today!! It's a she!!! SHE had the craps today! etc etc etc.

When I was pregnant with Danny, I didn't feel the need to shout out every detail to whomever would listen. instead, I maintained a quiet, peaceful relationship with the being within. ok, so the fact that he made me puke just about every damn day DID warrant some conversations, but with moosey-- it's always been just... there. not showy, not nearly as public as Rhena... just.. there.

I kind of feel that way now about the walk. It's still necessary for me to be there, and there's things I certainly don't hide about the walk... but it's just... THERE. in my heart, on my mind, part of who I am and what I do... it's just there.

and I'm SO glad the walk is here again. I need to be there. I need to see the hope, the healing, the LIVES that still ARE because people are donating and people are fighting and changes are happening in medicine. THAT'S the kind of shit that's good for MY heart.

think pink, gang. and thanks to any and all of you who made a donation this year, in the past, or will be making one soon.

treasure or junk, hide or share?

well lookie lookie here! apparently *I* still have a blog!!!

I kind of feel like I just found a childhood diary or something.... going through these posts is truly like stepping back in time. First of all.. WOW. I curse a LOT, don't I? oh well. throw my vote to the freedom of speech thing, I guess. *I* know I don't curse around my kids, NOR do I allow them to read this dribble... so I'm ok with cursing. besides.... sometimes it's very necessary to use the term assbaggers. knowwhaddayemean??? fuck 'em if they can't take a little sailor talk.

So yeah. where was I? I remembered I had this (and my baking blog) because Rhena's class moms created a blog for sharing pics and info. which is swell. I love being able to see pictures from her day and activities. What can I say? I'm partial to looking at her mug! BUUUUUT... I had to sign in with blogger in order to READ said kindergarten blog. which means my profile comes up... which means this here blog shows up.


hmmm.


now in the PAST, I've never felt the need to hide my rantings. if I DID, I suppose I wouldn't have typed them in the first place. (again.. see my no-apologies cursing theory above) but now. nowwwwww... I'm a mom of a kid in kindergarten. Granted I'm STILL the same mom of the kid who SHOULD have been in kindergarten LAST year (grumble grumble.. whatever! seriously, I'm OVER IT!) but now that I'm all IN THE SCHOOL SYSTEM as a parent and everything... do I worry? should I care? does it MATTER?

I have to admit it worries me that I'm even thinking this. has stepford conformed me so much that I'm questioning my awesomeness??? blergh. THAT'S not good!

I think when I go back through my posts, there are some really good gems in here. like the day Rhena went to preschool for the first time. TOTAL GEM. there's some raw emotions from losing Rachel that deserve to be preserved... and heard. Of course, there's trash, self-indulgence, and soooooo much dribble. I suppose that stuff can stay or go... I like to keep it as a reminder of where I've been... a barometer of how much I've changed, I guess? but yeah... on the chance someone from child services reads about the time I got so drunk I woke up feeling like a cat shit in my throat??? welllllll... maybe not one of the best entries I'd want Rhena's classmates' parents reading about me.

but then that just adds fuel to my fire in terms of having nothing to hide. well, that's not true. I have plenty to hide. like the amount of cobwebs in the office that I'm looking at right now instead of cleaning. (whoops. so much for hiding that.) meh--- it's almost halloween. they're actually appropriate right now, right? I'll get to them before thanksgiving.

oh well. I guess the truth is that hiding old posts is just not my style. there's PROBABLY some prolific saying about truth setting you free and past being your path to get you where you are today... blabbity blah blah.... but I'm just sayin' I...

well.. what AM I saying exactly?

hmph.

I'm saying that if you're a new reader... read with caution. I curse. always have, always will. the pre-existing posts on this blog are just that. pre-existing. as in.. already happened, nothin you can do about it. if I said I can't stand minivans and moms who wear vests... then that's how I felt at that time. (well.. I kind of still feel that way... vests? I mean REALLY? not a fan. and oh good LORD don't get me started on those stupid-assed sweaters with various holiday doo-dads emblazoned on them. They may be worn by grandmoms and grandmoms ONLY. everyone else wearing one deserves a slap. they're DUMB.)

I'm in a whole new world these days... and it's a happy one. SURE, I still get pissed about a LOT of dumb things, but I have been feeling very balanced lately. Rhena loves her school. DANNY loves his school. Troy is happy at work, and I have been happy doing a mix of subbing and baking for the business. I feel MUCH more in control this year for Stepford, in terms of being more selective of what orders I take on, and not over-extending myself just to have one more client.

I still do the Avon Walk (it's this weekend already! yikes!), still teach CCD, and still drive the kids everywhere they need to be. I still like bacon, and I still keep saying I need to lose some weight. I have good friends, and I love my family. Granted, I'd love a certain member of my family a lot more if he would ever send me the pictures he took of our trip to the statue of liberty this past summer because my camera broke and I have no decent pictures to put in my kids' room so they remember it.... but that's a whole other story.

It's been what... 10 months since my last post? oh well.. it's not you... it's me. really. and I don't mean that in a bad way.

The year in Re-View

is this thing on?

yeah.. so it took me getting regular comments from 'anonymous' users who apparently were trying to pimp out viagra to remind me that i HAVE a blog (or two). Sad thing is the comments started coming last week, and it's taken me this long to come around and do something.


so here we are, friends (and anonymous viagra pimpers). Another year over. Traditionally, this is the time when we all sit back and review the year that has just passed. as I take a look at the dust on my keyboard.. it makes me realize.. there's not much TO review! at least not in terms of blog posts.


personally--- life was busy. my business, A Taste of Stepford became officially recognized by the state of North Carolina, and my bank. more importantly, it became something to a few dozen clients... what a validation! It really has been great. BUSY... and not exactly financially lucrative, but alas... it is REAL. and even though I make about 5 CENTS an hour when all is said and done... building this business has been a gratifying experience. kind of like parenting.

I love my husband, I love my kids.. and I've been blessed with a new sense of understanding in life when it comes to friends and the company I keep in general. not like recently.. just really over the year... but yeah. TOTALLY solid in this department now. I have GREAT friends, and really feel balanced with the amount of time I spend with them.

I'm fatter. (there.. I said it!) I'm not disgusting or obese or anything, but I'm definitely not gonna get cold if the temps drop a little, ifyouknowwhatImean.... meh. Lent shall come again, as will my desire to deprive myself of all the good things I bake. right now? I say bring on the coconut... momma needs some comfort food!

apparently I also need coffee. like regularly. seriously.. every day between 2-3pm? hola, senor WALL! mind if I slam into you for a little while? not sure if that's a getting old thing or a getting-out-of-shape-so-I-naturally-have-less-energy thing, but lord HELP MY ASS if I don't get caffeine in the afternoon. I'll be drooling through the kids' bedtimes for sure.

big year ahead for us... taking the kids to Disney. registering Rhena for kindergarten, and signing the moose up for preschool. I'm promising myself I will learn to make some sugar art/work with sugar more. supposedly, I'm going to get Danny to learn how to stop needing diapers, too. so yeah. big year. and that's just January.

maybe I'll be here more? maybe. Troy wrote himself a little blog entry the other week, and it got me thinking about how much I liked spouting off my opinion. maybe I'll get back in the habit? maybe I'll fold some laundry, too... but I don't want to get TOO far ahead of myself.

happy end of the year, people.

Dear Rachel

Hi Rachie.


I don't know if you can hear me, feel me, or anything along those lines... but I'm gonna take the chance that you can.

Tomorrow's your birthday. I've been thinking about it for a while, and it's been coming and coming, and already.. wow... here it is.

and you're not going to be older than me.

I'm not here to make YOU feel bad... but damn sam and ten cases of shit fever.... I never thought there'd be an August 25th that I didn't get to remind you that you'll always be older than me.

fuck, dude. you're not HERE.

I suppose that's it in a nutshell. typical me.. self centered. But I miss you. I really do. I read Rob's updates on facebook and I get sad. I see Rhena do something cool and my heart breaks for Lindsay.

I feel guilty for missing you as much as I do, because again, I think about Rob and Lindsay and your parents and Sean. SEAN! can you believe he's getting married? SEAN! little baby Sean... fucking crazy, I tell you.

Anyways... Tomorrow, I'm going to TRY to celebrate your BIRTHday... and the 36 years after August 25th that you LIVED (and were still older than me.. hah!) I'm going to remember you, I'm going to celebrate you, and I'm going to talk about you to anyone who'll listen, and try to get anybody and everybody to donate some money so someday cancer is something people read about in history books. Tomorrow I will try to laugh. (or giggle and snort) I will secretly throw powder at people. I will say 'shit' when I'm not supposed to. I will blame someone else for something mischievous. and just for the hell of it, I'm going to strip in my room.

Yes.. tomorrow.. I will celebrate you, Rachel.

but tonight, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to miss you.

Movin' and Groovin'

wow. is it mid MAY already???

Things have been really trucking along in these parts... My Stepford business is slowly and steadily getting orders here and there... and I'm FINALLY finishing up my homework so Troy can eventually do all the coding to implement the design changes we've come up with these past few months.

Rhena's recital is coming up... she's very excited about it... and I am no longer a crazy stress bucket about the idea of having to put some make-up on her face. I still don't LIKE it.. but after last year, I know my baby isn't going to look like a southern whore, so I've come to some form of peaceful acceptance.

Next week is also the last week of preschool, and while I'm still a teeny bit bitter than Rhena will not be allowed to move on to Kindergarten (thank you state of North Carolina and your asinine new law that changed the cutoff date for age requirements)...I am VERY happy that Kidoodle Kreations came through for me again for the end-of-the-year teacher Thank you gifts.

Not sure if you remember, but last year, I had Kidoodle Kreations make some notecards from a project Rhena had done in school. This year, they turned another one of Rhena's projects (with a little digital editing of mine to add a quote about teachers) into some note cards, and they arrived today. YAY!

I totally recommend their services if you're looking for a cool personalized gift. and Carrie, the owner, is a real person... with a cool name to boot! Seriously, though. I've been happy both times, and will continue to give her business cause I think she's got a quality product and service going.

so that's that. My folks come down next wednesday to take part in the recital festivities... so yay for that. and yay for fresh faces in this house cause I'm getting a LITTLE worn out of Danny being up in mine. but that's another story involving tantrums and explosive diapers, and well... just another story. trust me.

speaking of tantrums... time for me to supervise the lunching of the kids and get them down for some naps. If I don't get some laundry done today during nap time, Troy's bound to have an epic tantrum . or the piles in the closet will take life and attack us. either way, I'm thinking it ain't gonna be pretty.

have a good weekend, gang.

getting baked

that title ought to bring out some interesting searches, huh?


not much to report in these parts. We're finally getting back into a routine again. Rhena was off from school for TWO weeks! it was a good two weeks... we had slumber parties, we played games.. did some little 'missions' here and there... but not much else to show for it, I'm afraid. the weather was pretty crappy, so we didn't get down to the botanical gardens yet.. and the strawberries have been delayed cause north carolina had an identity crisis this winter and had some ridiculously COLD weather.

this week has been personally slated as "get my shit done' week. I have been baking, I have boxed up old clothes...

I've also been playing Mafia Wars on facebook like it's my damn job. so addicting! BAD, Carrie!

but yes. doing the baking, doing some cleaning... maybe even one of these days I'll get all my shit written and handed over to troy so the new Stepford site will be up and running. but I have been baking. I really missed that during Lent.

Not that I COULDN'T bake during Lent.. it just seemed pointless if I couldn't TASTE what I was making. so now that the restraints are off again, I'm back to business.

ok! that's that. if anything profound happens, I'll let you know. in the meantime... enjoy this video of danny thrashing ... I mean DANCING... to some tunes while we waited in carpool line for rhena a few weeks ago. Apparently over the break he's decided he only wants broadway showtunes, so this might be the first and last time for a video like this.

Friday on my mind

so here I am, in the middle of another nap time that took waaaaay too long to get here today.

wait... did I just say that out loud? yeah. I did.


my darling sweet lovable kids were terrors today. Danny threw a full-on tantrum that STILL has my ears ringing, and it's possible one of the kids bit the other one during a fight over dress shoes at one point. I saw no teeth marks, and given Rhena's tendency to exaggerate, this could be a fabricated ploy for sympathy... but who knows.


at any rate, the winds shifted and the kids were nothing but sugar later and we did get to spend some time at the park and do some food shopping. win-win. you know, except for that whole screaming terrors routine they were working earlier. can't forget that part.

So y'all know I love me some TV. I have a few shows that I watch regularly, and I do enjoy the escapes they provide. I like to be entertained, I really do. I mean.. who doesn't, right? the FORM of entertainment may be different for different folks, but nonetheless... we all like to be entertained in our own ways.


Troy doesn't like watching shows with me sometimes. you see.. I have this horrible habit of pausing whatever show we're watching to give him my prediction of how the show/movie/story will turn out. like the minute I think I've figured it out. I know, I know.. I'm one of THOSE people. seriously. don't ever take me to a movie. I'll just ruin it for you.

I will do the little 'blow-on-the-knuckles-and-polish-them-on-my-chest" move and say that I've got an about 90% accuracy rate when it comes to my guessing, too. which of course makes shit even THAT MUCH MORE annoying to others, cause then what's the point if there's no mystery to watch unravel.

I tease Troy and say it's cause I'm a gypsy (Hungarian heredity, thank you mom!) but the truth? how can I NOT figure out shit? does he not REALIZE how many MINI-DRAMAS I watch unfold like EVERY DAY with our kids??? I'm sure I have seen enough character development, plot building and rise and falling of main characters just in the morning we have to get Rhena ready for PRESCHOOL that we could surely open a summer theater camp. never mind my teaching days and Rhena's dance days where they are allowed to do free-play til like TEN in the morning (oh yes.. the extra half hour always allows for a few more storyline twists.)


I'm still trying to figure out how I can make a profit on this. I'm SURE if Steven Spielberg or Ron Howard were to sit with my kids for a week of mornings, there's be some fantasmic movies the following summer as a result. especially if special effects were added. and a soundtrack. PLEASE a different soundtrack. cause really? Rhena's made-up dance routines are fun; but watching her dance to "margaritaville" with a large fake plant are starting to border on 'concerning behavior'.

oh and while I'm at it.. James Patterson, if you're reading?? I have a GREAT idea for a novel for you. it involves a stay at home mom who loses her shit. really. call me. we could be fabulous together. just ask my kids.

something

some times i feel like I just want to write. about anything, nothing.. the same shit, different shit, the fact that I took THREE shits yesterday (true story), but just SOMETHING.

other times.. which is usually MOST of the time... I've got nothin'. well, no.. that's not true. there's ALWAYS something going on.. this is the "apollo" after all....

but who wants to hear my dribble? especially when i should be folding laundry? or finishing up the shit I owe Troy for my Stepford site?

I suppose if you're reading this, there's some part of you that IS interested in my dribble. or you're looking for a reason to laugh at me. there's usually a few morsels of asshat behavior to go around in here, so i can understand that.

but yeah... I've been blogging more or less now for what.. 5 years? still don't consider myself a BLOGGER. and apparently i still wonder why people even read this here page. (again.. the occasions to point and laugh not withstanding.) hate all the blogitics with kissing this one's ass and being that one's reader. screw that! I don't even follow TV celebrities.... forget about following normal people who blog!

nonetheless... I still hear about things. call it third party exposure, background noise, or just perhaps newsworthy shit comes your way. like that whole brad-jennifer-angelina mess. like.. i don't even know who's with who or why or even CARE.. but i know enough to know they're all connected.

so needless to say, I've been at a loss lately now even with twitter. apparently, there's been a slew of babies of people who twit that have died within the past week or so. FUCK ME RUNNING. seriously. I can't go there. I mean.. I'm still trying to function from an ADULT dying... never mind take on the emotional hell of thinking about babies passing away.

don't get me wrong.. I find it horrible and tragic and gut-wrenchingly sad... I appreciate and respect the sentiments that are going around, and the visual displays of empathy and support are more than likely very healing to those hurting the most. I have already said a few prayers for the families that are suffering, and they will most likely not be the last ones I say.

but I'm just not strong enough to take that on. And maybe that's harsh, but for the pure simple sake of our family's financial state, MY emotional state, and wanting to have SOME semblance of HAPPY left in me to give to my own children... I gotta put the blinders on.

and I KNOW that's the right thing.. the blinders... cause again... how much can I take on before it begins to take away from the ones who need me the most??? but then I feel a little guilty. like I SHOULD be doing something. as a mother! as a Christian!! as a decent person who has a moral sense!!!

so yeah.. there's a TEENY bit of guilt there that I'm not leaving comments and turning things purple in memory of someone's dead child. but my truth remains that if Rhena or Danny were to die? the entire fucking WORLD could turn purple and it wouldn't matter to me.

it just wouldn't. it would be too late.


_________

my prayers go out to those of you who are suffering from the loss of a loved one. my only hope is that those of my readers with whom I have a personal relationship with will always know in their hearts the love and support I have for them.

FOR YOU, I will dye my entire body a color to ease your suffering. I will make my daughter stay dressed for once, I will make donations, I will bake cookies and ask strangers to do strange things. I would most likely do much more, but don't want to make suggestions cause a good percentage of you may actually make me follow through on these offerings.

for my own family, I would define the word limitless.

but I will not... CAN NOT... allow death to be a starting point. forgive me for that, but I prefer to be part of your LIVES.

Happy Easter

From our family to yours... Happy Easter!

Perspective

So... we're closing in on another Easter. that's cool. you know.. if you're in to Jesus and all that. As y'all know, I'm on the Catholic plan... so Easter is celebrated up in here. so again.. yay for that!


It's been an interesting few months around here.... though clearly not THAT interesting, cause really? if I had something good to blog about I probably would have. and this blog has been collecting more dust than my china closet lately.

so no. not interesting, really. at least not what the general public may consider interesting. but I think I've said that already. (wow... talk about rusty journaling... I suck at blogging anymore! I can't even TYPE coherently. y'all are probably thinking.. shit.. she finally posts and THIS is what we get??? )


so what exactly DID I have to say?

lent. lent was good to me.

please note that I did not say lent itself WAS GOOD. no... I'm very cranky right now as I REALLY REALLY fucking miss coffee. STUPID! WHY did I give up coffee? does giving up coffee make Jesus love me more? DOUBT IT! and tea? meh. I've been drinking it for the caffeine... but I'm SO OVER IT. I neeeeeeeed a cup of coffee. really. with creamer. mmmmm. I can't wait til Easter.


but that bit aside.. Lent was good TO me. I fasted. I abstained. I chose differently. I took some time and actually walked the walk a little.

I wouldn't say I feel HOLIER. no.. I'm still a mess of a woman who gets cranky when things don't go right. DEFINITELY not more holy.

but I DO feel more at peace. (now the REALIST in me can argue that I feel more at peace because my jeans fit me again from the few pounds I've lost... ) but something.... I dunno. just feels more CONNECTED.

connected with WHAT... I can't quite say. perhaps myself. perhaps the world? can't tell. but I feel more appreciative. hopeful. inspired.

like.. I'm noticing all the GOOD that happens in the world again. I'm seeing people and relationships as inter-woven tapestries instead of compartmentalized blips you turn on when you need them. And I'm TOTALLY buying into the idea that my little good deeds and acts of kindness CAN inspire others to do likewise.

not that I didn't do things in the past. it's just that now I feel like my purpose for doing a good deed is to spread joy to someone else, and not for someone else to recognize me.

though I suppose that's a contradiction in a way. now more than ever I'm making sure that what I do is something that can and will be recognized by my children. well-- as something they, too, would like to do or say. but GENERALLY speaking... know what I mean?

Anyways. I feel... much like spring and Easter itself, I have, through this past Lenten Season, shed some darkness, and am rising up into a new season of me. I'm still mournful from Rachel's passing.... but rather than it be the reminder of sadness, guilt, and loss that I've allowed it to be since September, I'm starting to allow Rachel's LIFE be a reminder of how our time here together really truly IS a gift. A chance to do right by each other, to learn, and to teach.

and to just be fucking HAPPY already. know what I mean?

enough of the bitching and moaning of what isn't and what we don't have. Time to start taking stock of what it is we DO have... and more so.. start putting it to good use.


speaking of have and good use. I have 2 bottles of fat free vanilla creamer. Sunday's almost here, gang.

I believe in Angels

so some random thoughts have gone through my brain this past week.


first off... I took Rhena and two of her friends to see the Charlotte Symphony's production of Cinderella this past weekend. that act alone brought up MANY thoughts.... one of which I am so happy to be done with two children. seriously.

fitting 3 car seats/boosters in the back of my car awakened the engineer in me, and being in a parking garage woke the acoustics specialists in Rhena and her two friends. holy good CRAP I had no idea three girls could be so loud. I mean.. WOW.

I learned that not all Cinderellas are created equal. period. and while I may have understood this notion starting several years ago when I would see different kids around the neighborhood dressed UP as Cinderella... (let's face it.. some girls need more than a fairy godmother to pull off the old Cinderelly getup) seeing my daughter see a production of the story done by a handful of actors and several puppets... well.. it's obvious that Cinderella can be different.

But this is good. I like knowing my child can be happy without a disney label slapped all over the place. the essence of the story clearly came through, and I did see the far-off-I-love-this-story-and-I-just-KNOW-some-day-my-dreams-will-come-true look in Rhena's eyes. That's magic. LOVE that magic.

What else. we met an usher named Rena. how cool is that? the woman was about equally gobsmacked when she heard me call to Rhena.... so much that she stopped me to ask if I just called her what she thought I called her. I would have loved to chat with her more.. but me and three girls ages 4-6 does not permit for much idle chat.

Oh.. here's one for you. the 6 year old of the group.. my neighbor's daughter??? she knows ABBA lyrics better than I do. and 'm not talking just that dumb assed Dancing Queen cause her momma forces her to listen to 80's crap music. I mean... there she was.... telling me to put on track 16 and 18 and specifically requesting "I had a Dream." I was impressed. like REALLY impressed. she'll get invited again, no doubt about that.

I'm taking the kids to the dentist today. Moosey's first visit. stress stress stress... I'm sure he'll do fine. we'll see.


I've been baking this week. like a LOT. I like baking.


alright. time to get my motor running. lots to do!

fixing bridges

do you ever find yourself sitting back wondering "how the hell did THAT happen?"


sometimes mistakes happen, then time passes, and uh-oh... what was a teeny mistake a while ago turns into a hot mess of hurt feelings, unspoken anger and/or uncomfortable tension.


My kids in my CCD class made their first reconciliation last month, and when I was explaining the process to a neighbor, she commented on how horrific it sounds. I mean.. on one hand.. I totally agree... being 8 years old and telling some priest all the shit you've done wrong is NOT exactly one's idea of a good time. Much less being 30-hundred years old and fessing up to your wrong-doings.

But yet... what a process, huh? just taking pause, and saying "I'm sorry." and not "sorry.. but... whatever this and that reason"

just.. "I'm Sorry." powerful stuff.


So last year, I bitched and moaned to Kerrianne and Chris for 100 years about how I wanted a felt mustache. so Christmas cheer and glory... they sent it to me!


oh.. the plans I had!!!! I made about 1 1/2 dozen mustache cookies, and was going to wear the felt 'stache' while holding the PLATE of cookies... all while sporting my new chef coat that my parents gave me for my birthday.

then I lost the mustache. ugh. THEN... I never said anything. DUH! why NOT? I dunno. I really don't know. but now that i DIDN'T.. I feel like I'm walking around with this ELEPHANT of guilt. and the funny this is I'm out trying to do a bunch of good deeds for a bunch of OTHER people.. but still not addressing the two people I screwed up with. WTF is WRONG with me?!?!?


I should just take a lesson from my class.. oh wait.. the same lesson I've been teaching THEM (oh, the irony.. it's such a cruel cruel bitch...) and just say I'm sorry. and I was GOING TO.... but then I found the mustache!

so anyways..all's fine.. just apologize already, you dumb Polack! but now... I STILL procrastinate, and feel like I can make the apology BETTER by still sending the cookies... (though not the original batch. sadly, I never got around to taking that one picture... and between me, troy, and the kids.. cookies don't survive long in these parts. )

so this weekend, I'm hoping to just kind of whip up a batch of apology cookies, and hope the valentine's day aura of love helps them forgive me. if not for the initial losing of the stache... then hopefully for me just being so dumb and not being honest about what was going on.

SO to my favorite blogging couple in Oregon? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I really do feel like a dumbass for the way I let a simple mistake escalate into a THING, and I really hope y'all will accept the long-lost stache and my apology package.




_________

speaking of cookies.. I'm hosting a valentine's contest over on the baking blog. super easy to win, so go on over....

Really Rosie

Last night, in the kids' pre-bed dance party, Troy had taken the lead while I could stay downstairs for a few minutes to ensure that the gagillion shows we watch were going to be properly recorded.

When I came upstairs, Carol King was BLARING some Chicken Soup with Rice. To add to the ambiance, the lights were out,and the kids were flickering their $1 barnyard animal flashlights and busting moves like only white people can do.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it was just the end of a really long and crappy day... but something about hearing Carol King just made me tear up. I wouldn't have said the tears were from joy or sadness... but it truly was this escape of emotion as I just sat, watched, and allowed myself to BE.

I LOVED Really Rosie growing up. I STILL love that soundtrack. What I love even more is seeing Rhena and Danny totally JAM to it, too. I don't think they're at the age where they can really just dive IN to the music and pretend they're there on Avenue P... but maybe.


My folks had gotten me the nutshell library some time back. It's one of my favorite collections. TINY little things... but the memories! I love them. A few times a year, I'll sneak away to my closet and flip through the books. it's so hard to even begin to describe the connection I have with those books... you just have to take my word for it. but it's good.


If you're at ALL familiar with the Really Rosie characters or Maurice Sendak, grew up in the 70's in the NYC metro area, or just plain looking for something cool to share with your kids... then the nutshell library, the soundtrack, the book, and any and all of the associated stuff is just awesome. Though.. truth be told... those nutshell library books are NOT for toddler hands. at least not Danny's. he could probably EAT the damn books if he wanted. Yes.. I would have much rathered.. as a parent... to see them in board books.


and also? I picked up another one of Sendak's books, In the Night Kitchen, one time when we were in the bookstore a year or two ago. hmph. I'd forgotten just how very NAKED the main character, Mickey, gets. and how very DETAILED the illustrations are.


anyways... enough of my reminiscing. It was, is, and I hope will CONTINUE to be a good time sharing things from my childhood with the kids. kinda like when Rhena recently saw the Little Mermaid for the first time, and I was able to pretty much quote every line in the movie. She was looking at me like I was some CHAMPION GOD descendant with inside secrets of Disney. hah. little does she know. LITTLE does she know, I say! But back to my point. That Carol King. I'm telling you.... she gets me every time.



"Believe me!"

Date night!

so one of the things I touched on in the new year's letter to friends and family is that Troy and I are going to start having a monthly date night. I'm proud to say that tonight we have reservations at Ruth Chris, and I have a dress that miraculously still fits me after all the eating I've done this Christmas. ok.. so no miracle.. it's a stretchy material, and I bought it in the REGULAR women's size instead of the petite size. but still! even in the regular size it's a very single digit size, so that's good.

I could go on a really long tangent about my deep-rooted fear of become crazy fat again like I was when I was in nevada. and some people could easily get pissed off or more so have no sympathy cause my neurotic self-image makes me feel that me in a size 10 is absolutely disgusting, and for a while I was packing size 12s in nevada. this is not to say that I look at someone who may be a certain size with utter disdain. just myself.

but this is my blog and my issues, and I'm telling you my petite 4s are not fitting me and I feel fat. but hooray for psycho-crazy mind games... the dress I'm wearing tonight is a 4... albeit REGULAR size 4... but that knowledge that I can still wear a size 4 combined with a glass or two of wine will allow me to push through my OTHER deep rooted issues of lacking any semblance of a sex drive and perhaps.. just perhaps have a conjugal visit with my husband. just sayin'.

ok. not bad. only a short tangent.


so anyways. date night! tonight! babysitter.. SCHEDULED! annnd... the best part? well, not sure if this is the best part or just another really good part or what.. BUT... I already have our babysitter lined up for a date night in February! woooo! (see? TOTAL "WOO!" girl, I am, I am!) so yeah.. 2 for 2! this is big, people!


last year we gave ourselves a goal of going to 6... only SIX restaurants over the course of a year together. we went to 3. THREE. over a WHOLE YEAR. and only ONE of the restaurants was together. not good, dude.


so our date is tonight (WOOO!), and next month, our date is on valentine's day. TOTALLY corny, I know... but??? but! I have NEVER been on a date for valentine's day in MY LIFE. I have been out drinking... I have been home crying, I have been home sick, pregnant, or otherwise tending to a child in some form of distress... but never out with my man on the day itself.

so next month we continue our journey into LIVING together by having a date on V-day. again.. corny, I know. but corn is a vegetable, and I need to be on a diet, and vegetables are good for diets, so bring on the corn.

and wine.

you know... just a glass or two.

Back in Black

New year, huh?


I suppose it is. For that... hooray. I always like starting a new year. not as much as celebrating my birthday or going out to dinner... but new years work for me.


As you can see... I canned the pink. it'll be back, cause let's face it.. I do love pink. but for now... I'm working the black. It's slimming, no?

This is going to be another re-building year for me, gang. let's face it.. Rachel passing away flat out knocked me on my ass. I'm still nowhere near ok with her being gone... but I gotta get moving again. I was consumed with guilt a lot these past three months... and overall just lost and paralyzed. wait.. have I said this before? either way. it is what it is.

I sent out New Year's cards (instead of the christmas card) and included a letter to our friends and family in which I touched on some resolutions and the general state of life here in the house o' cze-johnson.

I'd talk about them now, but most of the few left who still check here probably already GOT the card, and really? I just wanted to get this obligatory first post over with. oh, and apparently one of the batteries in a fire alarm is going out, cause I hear a chirping.. a loud, ear-piercing CHIRPING which will SURELY wake up the sleeping child whom shall remain nameless but holy good LORD I need that boy to be napping right now... so I'm gonna go get that taken care of. that chirping needs to stop.

cause you know... naps are good. mommy NEEDS the kids to nap.

just sayin'.

Still. just... still.

Yes. I'm still here. mostly there, but still here.


There really are no proper words as to why I haven't been posting. The biggest factor is that it's 4th quarter. I feel like I have literally been going non-stop since September. between the new school year, Rachel's passing, Rhena's birthday, consignment sale, the Avon Walk, Halloween, Trying to appeal the new scholastic birthday cutoff date that will be taking effect in NC next year (means rhena will not be able to attend kindergarten with the rest of her class cause she will miss the new date (which she currently meets by well over a month, btw) by being a mere 17 days too late starting NEXT year, a kick-ass round of bronchitis that has EVERYONE out of sorts, Danny's birthday, and now with thanksgiving, birthdays, christmas parties and all THAT fun stuff.... mix it all up with the REGULAR happenings like cooking, cleaning, laundry, take a shower and shit occasionally... and again.. I'm busy.


and tired.



Also? two other things. One.. I've been working with Troy a lot on a side project. I'll do a big reveal in the new year... once we can tweak a few more things.. but it's exciting. SOME of you may know what it is already.. it's not a complete secret.. but I'm also not willing to go totally public yet. so just 2 more months.. I promise. more info is coming.

ANYWAYS.


the other thing I'm finding is that maybe I'm a little TOO publicly available. Now there's the rub. the girl who wanted all that attention is now thinking maybe it's not such a great thing? I mean... I'm not out doing anything I need to be embarrassed about... so that's not an issue...


I guess I just have less to say? or maybe the more 'real people' that know of my blog, the more filters I feel I need to have. But that would insinuate that I'm either talking shit about everyone or leading some secret life that I'm afraid of friends finding out about. And that's not the case, either.

now.. that's not to say I don't talk shit. I certainly do plenty of that. But how much negativity can one person promote? And really? in the olden days when it was just a bunch of random readers and a handful of family around the country that read of my adventures and trips into embarrassing situations.. it was fun. cathartic. validating. safe.


can I REALLY say here on my blog that I had the shits so bad the other night I thought my boobs were going to implode? well.. I guess I CAN, as I just DID... but do I need my neighbors knowing that? I dunno. double standard, I guess. I mean... it's ok if you live across the country and know my bowel and menstrual habits.... live on my street, and suddenly... shit's not so funny anymore.

literally.

Anyways. I need to re-search myself and remember why I blog. I think once I can sit down and find the time to figure that out.... I can get back to doing so. Maybe this will become just another window for people to see into my/our lives. I mean... it always HAS been... but there's no doubt that lately the blinds have been shut.

And part of me misses blogging. there is SUCH a good world of people (readers and writers and friends and strangers alike) that I have been very blessed to have come across in the past four years of being on the net. But then I get back to being busy again.. and bleh. so even though I'm not INCLINED to write anything lately.. I still like the IDEA of blogging.

anyways. I'll get there.

but now? for now I'm still here. just... very still.

See you on the other side!

ok... first of all.. thank you SOOOO much to the awesome awesome AWESOME words of support y'all have given me these past 2 days.


I had my event eve check-in this evening.. I met 5 of my team members (hoping to meet the other six tomorrow... praying that they show up????) They're great, and this weekend is going to be amazing. I just know it. all my hesitations about this one or that one being team leader are gone, and I'm ready to just go and do what I signed up to do.


I stopped at Target on the way home for 2 last must-have items.. I bought a shower curtain to lay under the sleeping bag.. cause did I mention it's raining here? also got a foam pad so it's not just grass and gravel on my ass, too.

I packed the bag and popped my camera battery into the charger... attempting to set up my text messaging so I can update my twitter this weekend... but who knows if that'll work. if not.. I'll be blogging about the walk next week.


again... thank you all so much. the donations, the encouragement... each of you has been SO GENEROUS time and time again. really.. I was just reading through some back comments, and some of the notes y'all left when you made your donations.... I am like FLOATING right now with the love. I promise you, I plan on giving that back out to the walkers this whole weekend.

thank you all. you'll be with me this whole weekend!


And to my financial donors? I seriously can not express in enough words how much I appreciate you giving money to this cause. I know we all have our reasons for donating... but I truly feel blessed to be associated to your giving.

+ Mom and Dad + Uncle Roy and Aunt Karin + Hector + Avani , Nimish, and Rushabh + Jody, Brad, Dov and Zoe + Fergie, Jamie, and Jackson + Jessica, Mike, Blake and Bella + Jennifer + Maria, Joel, Maddie, Adian, and Clara + Troy, Rhena and Danny + Mom and Dad J. + Stacey, Matt, Emma, and Sophia + Alanna, Todd, and AJ + Marianna + Cathy, Mike, Quinn and Liam + Erin and Chris + Suser, Dan, Liam and Seamus + Kate, Kurt, Max and Georgia + Erin, Marc, and Mason + Nancy, Mike, and Annie + Kelli, Mathew, Kendal and Ava + Hännikins and AHP +

I can't wait to tell all the walkers and crew members I meet about each and every one of you, and how you're not just supporting me.. but them as well. Like I said... you'll be with me all weekend!


now.... it's time for me to get some shut-eye. I need to leave the house by 3:30am... and it seems to be getting closer as I type!


xxoo

see you on the other side!