A message from Rhena

ok... just cause my mom has been spewing hate lately... I thought I would take over the blog today and share what my day is like....

waking up is FUN!!! I STINK!!! cause I POOPED!!!! SEE ME???? I'm making my SMELLY FACE!!!!

Diaper changes are FUN TOO!!!! SEE ME???? I'm CLEAN!!!! I'm making my I'M SO HAPPY I DON'T HAVE CRAP IN MY BUTT ANYMORE FACE!!!!!

Did I mention HOW FUNNY it is when Mommy GAGS from my POOP??? bwuahhhahhahhah.... kills me EVERY TIME!!!

THEN we get to GO DOWNSTAIRS!!!!! SEE ME???? I LOVE walking down the stairs!!!

Oh my GOD!! have any of you ever tried MILK??? it is like the BEST THING EVER!!!!!! This is me drinking milk cause I LOVE IT, and it's supposedly GOOD for me, too, but whatever, cause I LOVE IT, and it's great when I'm thirsty and stuff!!!

OK... and this is me outside... cause OUTSIDE is SO MUCH FUN!!! when we go outside... I see CARS and PEOPLE and DOGGIES and HOUSES and MORE DOGGIES!!!! See me??? This is my LOOK MOMMY I SEE A DOGGIE OVER THERE face!

I LOVE it when I find a clean window... it's SO FUN to make fishy faces at the girl in the glass!!! SEE ME??? this is me making my BLAH BLAH BLAH TO THE GIRL IN THE WINDOW face!

I LOVE taking a bath... it's so much FUN!!! SEE ME??? This is my HURRY UP, MOM.... I WANT TO TAKE MY BATH face!

this is my towel!! isn't it cool??? You'd totally want to take a bath if you had a cool towel like mine!! well... except your name isn't Rhena.

ok... I've tested the waters, so it's time for me to get in and say good night. hey... wait a minute...... MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...... I can't BELIEVE YOU JUST TOOK A PICTURE OF MY HINEY!!!!!

*sigh*

oh well... I guess that's 'the end'. have a great night, everybody!

and since I'm feeling better....

I just saw a commercial for Big Momma's House 2.... and besides the fact that the movie looks TOTALLY GAY....


I couldn't help be reminded of our dear pal Mariah.

TELL ME they don't look alike.... at least related??????










ok, ok, ok.... maybe they're not IDENTICAL.... but you know for DAMN SHO' our dear pal MiMi would have done better in BMH2 than she did in Glitter......

Paging Smurfette's Prom Dress.....

seriously.

I'm not saying Britney doesn't look incredibly toned for having a baby not so long ago. More power to her... I really am jealous of those arms.

but the I-stole-this-from-smurfette-during-her-1986-prom Dress?????

do I *NEED* to comment about the velvet-didn't-my-make-up-Barbie-head-have-one-of-those neck choker things??? didn't think so.

somebody ought to stop her before she bee-lines it out of the trailer park and runs right into the cartoon network.


also--- will someone tell me when exactly KFed turned into a fat and ugly version of Bo Bice????

That kinda sucked

well... so much for my fabulous weekend with my girlfriend from Seattle.


Apparently, my stomach decided it WASN'T done throwing up every imaginable everything every other hour or so.


so let me back up a little.

when I had a run of about 12 hours with not-getting-sick... we thought we would take a stab at going out on Friday night.

people.... I put on makeup!!!! we're talking major night out here!!!


so I got all gussied up, poofed the hair, fluffed the twins, and headed out to a night with my friend. no child screaming... no husband... just me... her, and OTHER ADULTS. OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE. so off we went!!!!

It was a great night... a little brisk, but there was that 'friday night' vibe in the air. it took me a little while to recognize it, but by the time we hit up the ATM, I could feel it in the click of my heels (that's right... I said HEELS!!!!) and this mama was ready to PARRRRRR TAHY!

The restaurant was packed... there were PEOPLE (adults!! everywhere I looked!!!) milling around, laughing... ordering drinks.... it was so damn normal, it felt surreal. so we sat down, and our cute waiter boy flirted with my girlfriend as we ordered.


My head was dizzy with sweet expectations of three or four courses to be ordered, and EATEN while STILL HOT!!! (or still cold.... either way... NOT ROOM TEMPERATURE!!!!) and enjoyed WITHOUT RHENA ON MY LAP!!!!!!! I would indeed be able to use BOTH HANDS TO EAT!!! you know... that crazy notion of using my utensils correctly??? With my potato cakes appetizer and lemon chicken entree ordered, I was in heaven. I probably could have peed myself.

sad to say, though, I took one bite of my appetizer, and immediately knew no more food should or WOULD be going in the IN door of my mouth for the rest of that night.


All at once, the flush sweaty fever that starts at the base of my spine and rushes up to my head and enshrouds me like a helmet took over my every move.

my throat closed.


my lungs began to melt.

dare I say it, but I think my wrists were sweating, too. Downward spiral party of one? yes, YOUR table is now available!


my friend was a good sport, and we got everything wrapped to go as I busted out my lamaze breathing techniques. Baby, shmaby.... this kind of breathing is needed for exorcisms!!!


so we made it home, and yes... RALPH and I had many many many conversations throughout the night.


so much for the makeup......



but now that my friend is back in seattle, and I'm actually keeping food IN ME.... I'm bummed about timing. hellllllew??? WHY couldn't I have been sick LAST week when she wasn't here??? or THIS week, after she left???? talk about fuckernuts!!!!

however.... as bummed as I am.... I DO realize that even though the night or weekend wasn't what we had planned... it was good in terms that I know where I stand with my friend.


She didn't bitch once about flying all the way out here to watch me sleep and throw up all weekend. she didn't bat an eye when I made her "WALK FASTER WALK FASTER WALK FASTER...... oh wait... no no no... I can't move... go slow go slow go slow...." and she told me at LEAST ten times how pretty I looked that night.


so yeah.... it sucked... but it was ok. and even though it was short-lived... I did get to go out.


and that one tiny bite of potato cakes???? TOTALLY worth it!!!

well THAT didn't go as planned!

so yesterday I had all sorts of plans for a walk with Boogie, a little blog-reformatting... and a bit of laundry cause my girlfriend from Seattle gets here this morning.


well... apparently my stomach had other plans for me.


In addition to the previous mentioned... there was a lot of THIS going on, too.

so all in all... NOT a fun day.


Rhena was a total doll for me, though... she took longer naps, and was extra affectionate, which despite my every inch of being hurting like a mofo... felt really nice. One time my head was in the bowl, and she came up behind me.....laid her head on my back, and started patting me with her little hands..... ON MY BACK..... as if to say... "there there, momma... you'll be ok!!!" ......I swear if my hair was longer, she would have held it back for me.

as for today... I'm down five pounds (TOTALLY water weight, but hey... gotta love me a lower scale!) and my body feels like it's been mangled by a truck a few times. I DID, however, keep a total of 5 saltine crackers and one slice of toast down (or UP... in regards to the poop-chute) ALL NIGHT... and this morning it DOESN'T feel like all of santa's elves are scraping my innerds with forks. I may actualy even pass for hungry, if I didn't know any better.

so that's a good thing.

The downside to all of this, of course, is that I have a LOT of tidying to do this morning before my friend gets here, and I DIDN'T really go off on the American Idol contestants this week. I also missed participating in Susie's contest... and missed about a THOUSAND e-mails from my friends yesterday. boo-hoo.


I doubt I'll be posting again until Sunday, when my friend leaves.... so if I don't... you know where I'm at.


Have a great end of the week, gang... and I for sure will catch you next time around.

smooches!


PS.... thanks to all my fellow Olympians who are commenting on the new logo!!! I appreciate the compliments!! :)

I did what I could

ok... I changed my little picture chick.


it's sassy, and damnit... I'm keeping her.


if it's scrolling under my posts... again, I will suggest that you make your viewing window a tad wider until I learn how to fix my middle column so it doesn't go a wandering.



but other than that... American Idol tonight....


did anyone else notice HOW EMBARRASSED PAULA WAS when Marvin-Gaye-singer-dude carried her out of the judging room (while she was *ahem* RIDING HIM LIKE A FREAKING BRONCO.........) and lo and behold... Dude-guy IS MARRIED?????



HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAA ahaaaa haaa haaa *cough!* WHEEZE!! *COUGH!!*

fucking classic.


I counted at LEAST 4 DAWGS from Randy tonight. I wonder if my bet is too low???


I'm also apparently going to be bringing home nothing but silvers in the bloggerlympics. oh well... they'll match my wedding ring.



ok.


there'll be much ripping on people to do tomorrow, so I'll cut this short. night, gang!

I'm an athlete. No..... REALLY!!!

ok... last night I mentioned that I joined the Blogger Olympics over at Barbara's place.



So far I've been middle of the road. on Monday's Blogging events.... I was JUST short of earning a gold medal.... the event was Duration... or something to that effect. the top 10 percent of competitors who have been blogging the longest (in number of days) would earn a gold. The LOWEST ten percent got bronze... and the rest of us sheep herders got silvers.


It's a feel-good competition, you see.... everyone gets points as long as you do the required task.

of course... this is doing a number on my competitive side... both competing nights I have been the first poster to complete the task... (no extra points for that, though... so I'm a loser)... but have fallen short of the gold mark. arrg.


Last night's event was rate of posting.... in other words... what's your ratio of posts to number of days in blogger existence. I had a rate of one post every 2-point-something-or-other days. I know I won't be in the lower 10 percent... but there's NO WAY I'll be in the top ten percent... so once again, I'll be in the silver group. fuckernuts.


Not sure what Barbara has planned for the other events.... but I'm trying to be the first one to post, just in case she decides to throw some extra points out for promptness.

I'm wondering if 'best cheering section' might be an event... if that's the case... I'm going to need to all to be ready to go to Barbara's site and put a vote in for me. and you know me... I ain't too proud to beg... so purty please... be ready to vote. again. just in case.

but for now... I'm enjoying the games. It's a fun idea, and I'm meeting all sorts of blogger-folk.

The grand champion Olympic Blogger (big winner) will get their merits plastered and decreed on every participants' blog.... so you know me... I'm gunning for the publicity. ok... maybe not GUNNING for it... but damn, I do love me some attention! :)


ok... so that's it for now. I'll probably add a tracker to my sidebar so y'all can see what medals I'm bringing home to the Fever-House. maybe just maybe... I'll get at least one gold.


signing off....

daaaaa-DAAAA-duh-duh-duh-duhn-duhn-duh-duh-duh-duh-daa-duh-duhn-duhnah-duhn-duh

It's like Dukes of Hazard ...... in VEGAS.

sometimes, I gotta admit.... Troy really has all the right words.

tonight, he made the shockingly wise comment while we were watching Las Vegas (I heart you josh duhamel.. and even though I'm married and everything, I would still totally let you be my boyfriend, except for all the sex and stuff, cause I ain't down with cheating on Troy... but yeah.. you... me... we're SO THERE, dude...)


yeah... so dear ole Troy made the comment about the show Las Vegas being like Dukes of Hazard in Vegas. hee hee hee. funny boy.


in other news... I'm participating in the Bloggerlympics.... more details about that tomorrow.


other fun shit going on the wide web is that Hanni Haus is hausting (get it... hAUsting, instead of hOsting... oh whatever.... it's late. just ignore me!)

anyho... she's got a Randy-Jackson Dawg metering contest going on. or something like that. check it out for yourself.... and place your bets if you're game!!!


ok... time to catch some zzz's. I've spent the entire day in deliriously-happy-mode for my mom-to-be-friend. hee hee hee... still makes me smile thinking about her!!

but seriously... this happy shit is tiring. I gotta get some sleep!

Prayers

so anyone that knows me pretty much knows that every night I say prayers with Rhena when I'm putting her to bed.


They're nothing fancy, and are usually interrupted with Rhena making motorboat noises, or pausing to climb up over my shoulder to bleet like a mountain goat (no... I don't know WHY she does it... I think it's just cause she CAN)

Anyways... so no biggie. we say the Lord's Prayer, and a Hail Mary... then we just talk to God and thank Him for all the things we have in our lives.

We thank Him for all the love, health and happiness... for those are things we have in ABUNDANCE every day.


We thank Him for the challenges that we were faced with, because they present opportunities to learn... whether it be how other people feel, or characteristics of strength and belief in ourselves... you know... different stuff, based on the situations.

We also take time to pray for our friends and family. We pray for their happiness and well being... and that wherever they may be, that they know in their hearts we love them.

Now for our friends and family that are being faced with challenging situations... be it cancer, (or some other form of sickness), a relative who may be dying, infertility, accidental pregnancies, or a broken heart... I have come to a place of understanding with my God.

you see.... to know me is to understand that I DO BELIEVE in God, and that He is the Mighty Creator. I believe that He has a Devine Plan, but that He also gave us as humans a great gift... the gift of Free Will.

So sometimes... believing in both a "Master Plan" (so-to-speak) and Free Will... I am occasionally in a quandary of trusting my empowered choices, or just trusting that 'things will work out'.

The path I personally have chosen to take is that of making choices to the best of my available abilities, and then letting what may come, come. It may not be the most solid path in the eyes of others, but it's the best I've found so far that helps me maintain Spirituality and Faith in my life while setting an example for Rhena that she as a woman is capable of nearly anything. and that's the click, you see.... I may not be an extreme example of righteousness or empowerment... but I'm trying to set the stage for my child to see what options are out there. So while I may lose points in the public eye for not being strong in any direction... I don't give a shit... cause I'm opening two doors for Rhena, instead of one.


so THAT being said.... I feel it is my duty to not contradict myself when I say prayers with Rhena. as much as I WANT to ask God to cure my cousin's cancer, and stop my friends' parents from being so sick or dying, or that these friends will get pregnant, or those ones will find the loves of their lives.... or get a job.... Rhena and I pray for our friends and families to find the strength to get through the challenges they are faced with, or to find love and acceptance with their lives, or have the courage to change their situations when possible.


But all of the above is really just a side thought. what I wanted to say is that today, a dear friend of mine called me to give me some news. It seems as if one of my prayers has been answered, and that due to some recent events.. they have a renewed sense of self... and a totally new lease on life. I couldn't be happier.

I know I didn't have anything to do with it..... but I do believe that since Rhena and I have been saying prayers at night, it's getting easier for me to just 'be there' for my friends instead of saying what or what not to do.... and let them know that I was there no matter WHAT THEY DECIDE to do (or not do). Don't get me wrong... I'm still going to add my two cents every now and then... old habits are hard to break....


hmmmph. speaking of old habits.... I started watching TV and have totally forgotten where I was going with all of this.

no matter. I'm deliciously happy for my friend, and pretty damn content with my own life right now to boot. and as for the prayers... well... at the very least it's a sure fire way to remind myself of how much good I have in my life... and maybe a little bit of the appreciation factor will rub off on Boogie.


so now... before I start rambling about how HORRIBLE the Carolina Panthers are doing, I'll end this.



peace out.

Squatting???

ok.... I think I need a little clarification here......


when women suggest that men should "squat" to pee.... are they saying the guy should bend his knees slightly to get better aim, much like a bowler must ensure his or her teenage thumb hits their forehead to throw better????


ok... maybe the bowling reference threw you a little... but remember... I'm Polish.. and I do love me some bowling.

But you know what I mean... in softball, basketball, football.... pretty much any sport I'm thinking.... SOMEONE has advice on how to throw, shoot, roll, spit, WHATEVER just a little better.



So I was reading over here at Mike's the other day, and there was mention of him SQUATTING to improve-slash-decrease the amount of ... shall we say... PIDDLE that ends up on the floor.


as I read the comments... girl after girl was telling him to squat while peeing.


AM I THE ONLY WOMAN THAT FINDS THIS DISTURBING?????


I mean.... I'm not one to hang out in men's rooms, or even attempt to make it my business to be a spectator in or anywhere NEAR the bathroom when Troy gets in there.... I mean... good Lord... I usually get the lingering odors, and more often than I would care to admit... he'll give me a play-by-play of his latest shit..... including shape, color, smell, and pushing level required. BELIEVE ME.... I don't ask.... it's just one of the 'perks' that comes along with being with Troy.



Now in the times of mighty bravado that is sooooooo becoming of my dear hubby.... he has often left the bathroom door open. Personally, I think even HE'S afraid to be in a small room with his gaseous ass..... but nonetheless... the door is wiiiiiiide open, for all to see his naked ass, or boy-like antics. I swear Troy has never progressed past the age of 7 in terms of bathroom etiquette....

He whistles at himself... gives LOUD narrations on his hose, python, mighty sword... and other creative terms for his penis.... NO. Troy can not just pee.... he must go on stage.



but all of that is really just an aside.


The point I'm making is that in all of Troy's antics.... I have NEVER seen him squat to pee.


I've seen (both in Troy and on TV) the lean-forward-cause-he-has-a-boner-and-it-won't-bend form of peeing.


and I know that during times of shitting.... no guy in their right mind is going to stop mid-push, pinch it off, stand up and pee. No.. I firmly believe that guys will PURPOSELY try to push out a shit and pee at the same time, cause on some remote level it's "cool" to be doing more than one bodily function at once. Hell..... if I had to bet, I'd say Troy would be the type to even try to bust out a fart, too... though farting and shitting at the same time is difficult... and painful. (at least when *I've* done it it has been....) So maybe if he can't get the fart, I'd at least expect him to try and BURP while peeing and shitting at the same time... like some weird guy-olympic event.


so in the case of the shit-pee.... I'm willing to rationalize that guys are sitting.


but for a regular pee???? hmmm.... bending the knees I can see.... but sitting????? I just don't get it.


I mean... isn't that kinda what makes guys GUYS????? I mean... I thought that in the beginning of the game, when the Dealer was explaining the rules... GIRLS get to blame every bad mood on PMS, and GUYS, in turn, get to pee on stuff. While STANDING UP.


So speaking of bending the knees... which indeed would define "squatting".... is there any good that comes of that? GUYS??? any thoughts?


But Ladies... and for you GENTLEmen out there..... SITTING to pee..... please... help me understand this one. I mean.... I may be grossed out every time I walk by the bathroom, and there's Troy's ass or antics hanging out for me to see.... but I guess I come from the mindset that when a guy "sits down" on the can to pee.... his balls kinda disappear.

I think I'm coming down with something

ugggg..... so all day yesterday I kinda had a sore throat and the shits. (no... not directly related to each other... for all those weirdos that keep coming here for asshole fever..... just kinda both hitting me at the same time...) I know that's kinda gross... but listen... you weren't here, so at least be thankful for that.


What makes me CONFIDENT, however, that indeed something is wrong with me... is that last night, Paula really only bugged me ONCE... if at all!!!!

no, no... she DID bug me once... when the I-have-lots-and-lots-of-teeth 24 year old breathy singer was doing his thing. It bugged me how she just sat there and smirked, imagining all the things she could do with him, since he was actually legal to be having things done with.

Side note... is it me, or has anyone else noticed that whenever Paula REALLY likes a boy, she does this whole passive-aggressive thing where she sits up straight and takes charge of the voting??? "Randy?? what do YOU think??? Simon??? " Cause you know inside she's wiggling with delight with her "PRIVATE BIG GIRL THOUGHTS". ew.



Speaking of BIG GIRL..... have I mentioned lately that Mariah Carey is a fat sleezebag??? I was laying in bed this morning, slowly trying to just swallow (yes.. throat still hurts a little today.... no shits yet, though, so that's good. Though I AM drinking coffee... so that could change my bathroom activity right quick...)


ANYWAYS........... I was laying there this morning thinking that our dear pal Mariah is starting to remind me a lot of KIRSTIE ALLEY!!! (pre-Jenny-weight-watchers-fast program days) take a look for yourself.....


















Again... no disrespect to the former Cheers Kitten.... I know she's just trying to do her own thing.... I was just saying... I think we could pretty much do a Monday-Match-up with these two, being that they're probably in the same weight class these days......


But enough about that.


Things go on as usual here in Johnson-ville.... I had to go to Wall-fart yesterday to buy the dear-Lord-I-hate-this-place-so-let-me-get-at-least-two-months'-worth-so-I-don't-have-to-do-this-again-for-a-while diaper stash. I think when Rhena gets to the age where she could even remotely CONSIDER having sex, I'm going to bring her to Wall-Fart repeatedly, telling her that if she ever has sex, she'll get pregnant, and will be forced to go there over and over again to buy diapers because they are the cheapest around for miles and miles. If a half-hour trip to Wall-fart every day doesn't knock some sense into her, I may beef it up with a soundtrack of a screaming child, or the smell of baby vomit on her clothes and in the infants' section in general.


but what else???

Last night I did NOT receive a live telecast from the bon-jovi concert.... (he was here in Charlotte) my friend that was supposed to go ended up NOT going, so boo-hoo... no 10pm phone calls.


I've been pleasantly amused with Laura's comments as of late. She's been taking to 'singing' in her comments. I'm hoping today I'll get another... thinking maybe the Cheers theme song, in honor of Kirstie??


Also had two new posters lately... so welcome to the madness, novaks8 and dakotablueeyes....


I'm sure there are other things to post about, but the coffee is starting to kick in, and I think I should probably shower.



Do your taxes, folks!!!!



johnson...out!


PS... for shits and giggles.... go ahead and throw a vote for Mariah or Kirstie while you're at it.... it's been a long time since we had a match-up, and like I said... same weight class and everything.....

so DING DING!!!!

We interrupt this broadcast...

sorry gang.... I was full of high hopes and running on a sour stomach last night. I really really wanted to talk about how much of a obvious pedophilia Paula from American Idol is...


but this girl.....


Crystal Parizanski, some 16-year-old gone horribly HORRIBLY wrong..... just had to be poked at.



It's NOT that she was a horrible singer... cause BELIEVE ME..... she was definitely sucking big time!!! it was a combination of her HORRIBLE makeup, her LACK of any form of brain cells.... and her cheap-ass-meth-looking whorebagging mother.


I don't know whether to really earnestly laugh or be sad. I believe under all that fake tanning and inches of makeup, there is a beautiful little girl... provided she keeps her mouth shut, that is. The mother was at least sensible enough to NOT open her mouth too much when she, too, was called into the judging room.

Perhaps Mama Parizanski was watching Mama Hilton the other day and took her wardrobe cues from her.... but just short of busting out more Mariah-Carey-is-fat comments... I'm gonna have to say Mama P looked like shit.

and as for Crystal... well, I bet her and the Ukrainian chick can get together and start a strip club. The 'dancers' don't have to talk in strip clubs, do they???



oiy, vey... it's gonna be a long season.



Johnson, out!

oh happy day!

something must be inherently wrong with me, because I am so very very excited about tonight.



my wait is over!!!!


TONIGHT...... American Idol returns!!!!! and tonight is the mother of all shows.... not only do I get to make fun of Paula... but TWO WHOLE HOURS speckled with people humiliating themselves!!!! I think I may even make some popcorn... good times!!!


Speaking of POPPING.... in a mini-edition of "oh-no-she-di'int"..... I've got to stop and take note of Kathy Hilton. I mean... I GET IT that whole money doesn't necessarily buy happiness.... but to make it blatantly clear that money also doesn't buy CLASS????? Did we really need to see this???

Kathy... from me to you.....


Honey... you're FORTY SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!!! YOU HAVE FOUR KIDS!!!!! Here's a novel concept.... let THEM do the partying????


Seriously... you could probably SHIT money if you wanted to, yet you insist on going out with your daughters and club-hopping??? C'mon.... no one wants to see you shake your ass. NO one needs to see your raccoon eyes or your double chin.

And for God's sake, woman... if you refuse to act your age and insist on shaking up and re-defining what "Motherly Love" represents... AT LEAST PUT ON A BRA. Your boobs are flopping all over your 1996-lace-pattern-from-victoria's-secret-shirt, and your nipples are visible.

I'm not against couture or a nipple flash here and there, but for crying out loud, Kathy... when you're as rich as you are... people watch what you do. and frankly... what YOU'RE DOING right now is looking like Suzanne Somers in an un-cut version of Three Company left out in the sun for about 30 years. (side note... Suzanne turns SIXTY this year... she has an excuse for looking old.... ) Put them away, Kathy... just put them away..... and try staying home one night and baking cookies. Or hanging out with people YOUR AGE.

either way.... just get dressed and stop trying to be young again. I'd hate to see you looking (even MORE) like the Gastineau Girls.

johnson, out!

It's like Christmas in January!!!

ok.... so to prove I'm not a TOTAL scrooge, here is a very belated and VERY long pictoral review of our trip to Jersey....

well.... before we left, we thought we should get Rhena ready for the cold weather....

not sure if she enjoyed how ridiculous we made her look. note the "are you kidding me???" look on her face....

Eventually, Christmas came and we were up in Jersey. We started celebrating on Christmas Eve, with the Czernikowski Family Wigilia.

Here's Rhena all dressed up and ready for Wigilia:and of course.... with her formal coat, hat and purse on.... can you say STYLIN' ???

Many presents were opened that night... also... here's my hair, for those interested..

Too bad Rhena didn't really care for Santa.....

Bonus picture.... this is my oldest neice, Dara.... a future heartbreaker, for sure.. but for now she holds the title for reigning (gingerbread) Man-eater... FIERCE!!!!

I did get a picture of all the kids (my two neices, my nephew, and Boogie) all together by the tree.... for the ultra-observant... NO... my SIL and I didn't plan to dress the girls alike... we just both really like gymboree!!! no matter... I thought they all looked adorable together..... you know... when Rhena wasn't screaming and all.... this particular picture was a happy scream, I think....

Back at my parents' house... we dressed the kids in stupid elf hats. Here's Dara, Delaney, and Damian wearing the obligitory silliness..........














And of course.... we couldn't forget Rhena... no one escapes!!!

More presents were opened.... 'Grampy' watched, while Rhena decided it was more fun to get IN the box that the toy came in.....

see??? I told you.... IN the box!!!!

Of course, there was other fun and shenanigans along the trip.... Troy remembered why he loves Dara so much.... what is the saying about Misery loving company???

We also went to see Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the state theater... my folks sprung for all the tickets, as well as these t-shirts for all the kids.... Rhena seems like she has room to grow into hers a little more....

We also got to visit my cousin and her little girl while we were home.... Lindsay has a REALLY COOL little couch that Rhena was digging. The girls had a great time playing together, and I really enjoyed catching up with my cousin.... (notice how Rhena makes herself at hom and props her feet up like she owns the joint...)

We had some downtime, too... I got to watch a movie with all the kids.......

Rhena also got some one-on-one time with Grandma and Grandpa......

and by the time all was said and done.... Rhena was pooped.

so.. it was a very nice viist home. The folks are planning on coming down thisaway for Easter, and I've got to say I'm excited about it. But for now... things go on as usual.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

Thunder Alley

well... today we're finding out the hard way that Rhena doesn't care for lightning and thunder.



do the words "scared shitless" conjure any images???


yeah... anyways.. it's weird, cause this is definitely new around here... she's slept through thunder, near hurricanes, and even a fireworks assault just as recently as New Year's Eve at my parents a few weeks ago... (don't ask... it's a long story that ends up with my parents' white-trash neighbors up the street setting off fireworks----even though it's illegal in the state of New Jersey---- every damn holiday or eve of a holiday, or when Miller Lite is on sale. New Year's was no different... with minimum 12-minute booming assaults happening every hour ON THE HOUR from midnight til three in the morning. I guess they were helping other time zones celebrate as well???)

so yeah... in the past, Boogie has been able to sleep through all that shit. well today... the thunder came a roaring when she was awake, and she was NOT HAPPY. Thankfully, we had a teeny lull in the storm activity, so I brought Rhena up to her crib for a nap. I'm hoping she can konk out before the thunder acts up again. We'll see.


bless her little heart, though... she was literally SHAKING earlier. Lord help me, I have a warped sense of humor, and I DO find it amusing when she gets her cage rattled a little... but this made me sad. Even my black-hearted bitch self doesn't like to see a baby THAT scared.

so we'll see what happens... the rain is coming down a little harder again...... so wish us luck.

hope your friday the thirteenth is a little less scarey!

Note to Self

Dear Carrie;


It's shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse.


got that???


let us repeat that for you....


shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.




Not conditioner (shit!) rinse, shampoo, rinse, shampoo(damnit!) rinse, conditioner, rinse.


It is also not body wash (shit.. though your hair was supple and silky soft that day, we admit), rinse, shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse.


Again... please note....

shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.


Your hair is three inches long, if that. It is NOT necessary for you to be shampooing twice or three times each shower. honestly... even if Rhena shat directly on your head, you would not need the amount of shampoo you have been using the past three days. so quit fucking up the order, and get it right!!!

so come on, Carrie... say it with us....


shampoo, rinse.
conditioner, rinse.


Thank you,
The Management



PS.... once you get back in the swing of washing your hair without screwing up, you might want to remember to shave your legs. Just an idea.

So Wave your Hands in the AIR

.... and wave 'em like you just don't care...


'cause if you GOT play group,
and you HATE play group...
somebody scream "HELL YEAH!!!!"

Today's post is brought to you by the letters P ( P is for PLAYGROUP!!! and PUTRID weather!!!) and N!!! ( N is for NOT NAPPING NOW, which is what rhena is doing!)

Just got back from playgroup... GAG.... which was held this week in the zoo ... er, I mean... children's section of the mall. Our grey balmy morning turned into a wet rainy afternoon during the time we sat wide-eyed at the monsters... I mean wonderful little precious children running around the enclosed area.

I know part of me should be concerned that Rhena is going to turn into a wallflower, but I can't lie... I'm secretly glad she was standing there giving all the other kids the "what the fuck is WRONG with you kids" look the whole time. Nothing a box of raisins couldn't cure, though... as long as I kept the supply of sweet goodness going from the box to her hand to her mouth, she didn't seem to mind that utter chaos was happening all around her.

...I, on the other hand... think I need a drink. and an excederin. at the very least some more coffee.

~ happy hump day, gang..... I'm going to lay Rhena down and fire up the x-box..... I'm in the mood to kill something.

A Rare Find

so yesterday, I was doodling around on the computer, and I decided to check out my stats page. In my reporting pages, i get a list of search phrases people have used in order to end up at my blog.


The search engines used are Google, MSN, and Yahoo, from what I can tell... but that's not the interesting part. the shit I'm utterly FASCINATED by... and I'll admit... just a *TEENY* bit creeped out by is WHAT people are searching for. For example.. who knew Susan Lucci had such a strong hold on the internet??? (and such a strong connection to my blog??? WHY DO YOU HAUNT ME SUSAN??? WHY??????) and what's the fascination with Rachel ray half-dressed???? anyways... have a look for yourself.... I also listed HOW MANY TIMES each phrase was entered to get people to here.... and you KNOW I couldn't help but add my own commentary as well....


enjoy! (this list was edited to remove the boring and understandable searches)



how old is susan lucci 7 - seriously... not sure if ANYONE knows this answer
fuzzy naval - 5 - gotta love how drink searches point towards me.
petocin 5 - as in... PETOCIN didn't do SHIT to help my labor progress???
corn 5 - as in corny-funny, or corn the vegetable? I'm not getting this one
ass hole fever 3 - oh yeah... I got a fever for the flavor of an asshole??? EWWWW!
e cards for rude people 3 - this is just classic, and I'm sure my brother will love the fact that I'm pointed to when it somes to cards for rude people. CLASSIC, I tell you!
ding fever 2 - don't even WANT to play the "as in?" game here......
pictures of dirty tinkerbell 2 - Fairy fetish, party of two???? you're table's ready!
hot naked children boy 2 - Make that a table of four.... in JAIL, you sick motherfuckers....
jack daniels slushie 2 - this actually sounds pretty good right now!
belly button sweater 2 - must... stop... the .... visual!!!!
fuzzy naval drink 2 - as compared to a hairy belly button wearing a sweater?
Belly button pictures of teachers 2 - Van Halen anyone?
blog jon farriss 2 - did I MENTION I used to love INXS???? love love love INXS!
THE IJDM GROUP 2 - from the latin proverb... It Just Doesn't Matter....
staying alive the song 2 - yeah bitches.. I got disco.... come get it!
"girl burping" 2 - now playing every other soda....
mammories 2 - well, it's pretty obvious why they ended up here for that!
A Tale Of Two Titties 2 - that was SUCH a great blog post title!
wicked monsters 2 - these two people must have been searching in Boston... wicked cool!
"WHERE MY REAL DOGS AT?" 2 - I'm gonna say back in the 90's where you got that saying, jackass!
mariah carrie 2- I can never pass up an opportunity to remark how fat nasty whorey Mariah is!
Dum-dah-dah, dum-duh-duh rocky soundtrack 2 - dude... who TYPES this shit????
on what day is MadHatter Day celebrated? 1 - good question! anyone? anyone??? Bueller???
dirty johnson 1 - Troy might be happy to know about this one...
pictures of rapper lucky lucciano 1 - huh???? has Rhena been posting shit again???
what does chimichanga mean 1 --Heartburn... in Taco Bell, that is!
picture of paula abdul crying over constantine 1 - I can NOT WAIT for another season of bagging on paula!!!!
susan lucci + how old 1 -give up, people.. no one's talking!
a cheerleader that poops while cheering 1 --HAH!!!! that's actually some funny shit! (get it... SHIT???)
ijdm 1 - see above...
Rachel Ray bikini 1 - for thrirty-minute tan lines?
rum jungle girls 1 - once upon a time when I was allowed in vegas, this would make sense... not so much these days....
What is the name of Mike Brady's architectural firm in Brady Bunch? 1 -- another good question!!! anyone know it??
rachel ray bra 1 - now available for purchase at a cooking store near you?
what is a scoundrel 1 - go ask webster, and leave me alone!
the Lakers song" are you ready for this?" 1 - I believe it was Technotronic.... I could be wrong though.
her stump muscles 1 - "my stump, my stumps... my lovely LADY STUMPS! check it out!"
fever exotic dancer 1 - why yes I am, thank you very much!
tri star vacuum 1 - they still suck, btw....
f.c.i. memphis murder 1 - noooooooo clue about this one!
"tri star vacuum" 1 - still sucking!
did elvis presley wore diapers on stage 1 - I think even I don't want to know the answer to this...
girls with big feet have 1 - big shoes? incomplete sentences???
stomach pains and crapping blood 1 - always nice to know there are other sout there like me...
period aunt flo crimson 1 - why yes... she IS in town this week... thanks for asking!
johnson paint 1 - as in the BRAND, or paint for the johnson???
tri-star vacuum 1 --- do I need to say it?
pregnancy pictures-belly shots 1 - kinda creepy....
sneakers doodling 1 --- actually, we doodle with PENS around here... not our sneakers... sheesh!
the way should talk about sex 1 -- I'm going to recommend using a complete sentence as a start....
hat fever and balance instability 1 - WTF????
rappin john wayne 1 - CLASSIC!!!
da ha john wayne 1 --- - you KNOW you're going to be singing it all day now!!!
tuaca stomach 1 --- ugggg... been there... had that!
picture of Charlie brown kite eating tree on a shirt 1--- classic!
Magnum PI anthem 1 --- you're KIDDING me right???
Susan Lucci 1 --- I must be the expert on the lady
OLD "SUSAN LUCCI" 1 --- looks the same as a YOUNG susan lucci
susan lucci & family 1 -- she HAS a family??? but she's like the undead!
words to the song little rabbit froo froo 1 -- all I know is he was hopping through the forest
free mommies titties 1 --- nothing's free. ever.
perfect juicy ass 1 --- that's it??? ONLY ONE HIT???? damn... I got to start working out again!
free edible candy poops candy seeds 1.... I can still hear the lambs!!!!! make them stop!
"damsel in distress" gas 1---- as compared to 'damsel in good mood' gas????
wives riding harleys nude 1 -- gonna go with no way in how on this one, gang...
rupaul, hormones 1 -- work it, girl!
"shit fire and save matches" 1 - That's just funny. I need to say that more!
crandberry jello salad 1 - as compared to it's better known cousin cranberry jello salad...
my husband wears my panties and i like it. 1 - WOW.... OOOOKAAAAY then!
fat nude kid boy chub young 1 - ewww. gross people! There's some sick ass motherfuckers out there...
rude christmas e cards 1 -- I should start a business!!
fat mariah carrie 1 --- why yes she is..... even though it's mariah CAREY
plop plop little bitch 1 -- oh what a relief it is??
ass fever 1 --- asses are a popular subject, huh?
nude blogspot 1--- nope... not here... but thanks for trying! drive through, please!
www.Kentucky horseshit paper weight.com 1 - I got nothing. this one is on its own.


so there you have it... or at least there you have SOME of it. regardless of what people type in to get here... you just gotta love a list that ends with Kentucky Horseshit paperweight. (dot com, no less.....)


have a great day, gang!

Leave it to Google...

to list me as #2 choice when people search for

"Dum-dah-dah, dum-duh-duh rocky soundtrack"


yeah, folks... it's gonna be one of THOSE weeks.....

The games we play

so this weekend was a good one.


yesterday we had two of our neighbors over after boogie went to bed. We had a few drinks and snacked on chips, dips and fondue. mmmm... fondue! I've decided that anyone who has a fondue pot who doesn't use it must have the kind with the sterno under it... cause those suck. Mine is the electric-all-over-heat-you-can-use-it-for-soup-or-meatballs-or-cheese-or-my-personal-favorite-chocolate.... have I mentioned my fondue pot kicks ass????

anyways... we had a nice night... played Uno and Phase 10. good times. (plus, there was fondue..... mmmmmm, chocolate fondue!)



Today we had one of my new mom friends over with her two kids for dinner. Her husband has been in Arizona for a week on business, and she's been at her rope's end. She has no family nearby, and her kids are 3 years old and 8 months. Did I mention the three year old can talk and apparently likes to express her opinion on everything??? did I also mention she was at her wits' end?

SO to give her a *teeny* bit of a reprieve, I've been having her come over or go out for walks with me and boogie.. and today we had them over for dinner. Tonight the three year old was being a bit three-year-oldy, and I noticed my mom friend kept apologizing. Offering justifications and explanations why the three year old was.... well..... THREE.

By the time we managed to get to dessert, it dawned on me that even though I couldn't at first understand why she kept proffering apologies... I came to realize I could have been looking in a mirror.

Why is that??? Why..... especially among our closest friends... the people who know us best... do we constantly apologize for things beyond our control? well... at least I know my friends and I do that. I suppose I know other people who DON'T do that.... but I've never been one to care for parents that let their kids run amok with no regard. I mean... I agree that kids will be kids, and for the most part shouldn't have to be apologized for..... at least not constantly. an acknowledgement that your precious offspring is being a complete SHIT is nice.... but if the company you're with says it's ok... just let it be ok...


*** I'll be with you in a second.... I'm just re-reading what I wrote, and trying to convince myself to follow my own advice*************

anyways... so yeah... I sat back tonight, all third-personish... and realized that it sucks how she, I, we.... play those games. I'd say that maybe we all just need to be a little more real... but I think that it's in being real that we end up being the way we do. IN REALITY.... I'm insecure... a people-pleaser. I CARE what people think, and I hate being a burden on others. Consequently, I internalize when I'm stressed, and obsess about ridiculous shit. I over-analyze pretty much EVERYTHING. I apologize for situations that I have nothing to do with, and never allow myself to believe when friends tell me that "it's ok".

SO in a brief moment of clarity; a bizzaro second where I had the power to help myself by helping someone else.... I told my mom friend not that it was "ok"... but rather that she was doing a wonderful job. That her children were happy and she was doing a really really great job, especially for being on her own this week. And you know what??? *IN* that bizzaro moment, my mom friend smiled, and her running screaming three year old was temporarily muted to us both in a cloud of comfortable acceptance.

2006 good reasons

well... I know I said yesterday that I already made my resolutions a month ago on my birthday, but being back home again has helped clear my head a little, and I think I really should make a resolution for 2006.


I've decided that this year should be about appreciation. .... MY appreciation of others, that is.



I mean... I hate to say it, but at some point in the past few weeks when I wasn't looking, generosity and love from others just kinda came in and tackled us. From friends, from family, and from strangers.... in obvious ways and some more subtle... Troy and I have been surrounded in abundance lately.


No doubt the sheer act of coming home and unpacking the car and going through our mail made things pretty obvious. Seeing all of the gifts that the three of us received, and getting so many cards from friends near and far.... and now, getting caught up with friends that actually missed us while we were gone. My neighbor met up with me and gave me cookies she made, and gave me a package that had come for Rhena while we were gone.... (CUTEST personalized towel and adorable SLIPPERS from my girlfriend)

But anyways... where was I going... oh yes. This past Christmas was more of a bare-bones Christmas for Troy and me. We managed to give small things to a select few... but so many others got nothing. perhaps a little too late to be as poignant to you as it is to me, but I really felt like the Little Drummer Boy this past Christmas. (I have no gift to bring, but I'll play my best for you....)


SO while I am still slightly tinged with guilt that we didn't do more for more... or more for the ones we actually DID give gifts to.... I feel obligated to play my best for them.. for you.

I think of my family... immediate and extended... related and not... and for all they do for us SO OFTEN..... they deserve the best. They deserve appreciation. they deserve thanks... they deserve respect..... SO that's what I'm going to try to do this year.

don't get me wrong... I'm still going to bitch about things, and everyone in Hollywood is fair game for my "oh no they di'int" commentaries.... but to those people in my life who are IN my life.... this year I hope to make you happy you are.

first post back

it's always interesting when I type a 'first post' after being gone for a while.... do I just jump right in and blather on about something, or do I do the obligatory summation of what's been going on since I last posted???


I feel torn between the two, but I left my cable that uploads pictures form my camera to the computer in New Jersey, so until our dear USPS brings said cable to me (thanks again, daddy)... I really have no visuals to share.... so I guess you're stuck with me just jumping right in.


I'm feeling pretty good about this new year of ours. Granted... I DID get a little head start on y'all with my resolutions.... trust me when I tell you I was over the guilt of not keeping them by Christmas!!!


but yeah... it's January... the Johnson crew is back down here in the south, and the weather is gorgeous. I mean walking-outside-without-a-coat gorgeous. I'm loving it, don't get me wrong... but something about springy weather in January makes me start craving some winter-esque scenery, and as you can plainly see from the looks of the blog... makes me break out in a third-grader's version of a dream room. well... except no unicorns. definitely passing on the horny horses, thank you very much!


right now, I'm a bit tired... and VERY hungry. I'm about to wake Boogie up and take her for a walk... but I needed to get the 'first post back' over with. I had like a good dozen or two topics popping all in my head these past few weeks, but I'll be damned if I can remember any of them right now. oh well. first post back... whaddaya expect??


oh well... happy 2006, gang. more to come soon.