in the wee small hours of the morning

Danny was up early today.

I'm not going to get into how I'm really really trying to teach him that it's ok to sleep through the night right now, cause that's just a sad sad topic. period.


Anyway.. he was up at 6am, so I decided to hit the streets.

we got a good 20 minute walk in, and while I have to clock the mileage, I think we did a little over a mile and a half. not bad. definitely a good way to get the blood pumping for the day. oh, and to burn off the big-assed sandwich, beer, and two cookies I had for dinner the night before.


it's interesting what a different place stepford is in the morning. It's so quiet. I love it!


no screaming kids, no gossiping hens, no toothpaste commercial smiles on every corner with their perfectly practiced queen's waves.

don't get me wrong.. I actually do like the elements of stepford that make it, well.. stepford. I ENJOY the friendliness and sense of community... the warm and welcoming smiles, the friendly banter...

but I also like to be left alone occasionally. especially after a long night of screaming and crying. actually gives me a chance to think.


so today I was thinking about friends. Granted, I've been thinking about them for a while now, but this morning, I was thinking about certain friends that I haven't seen in a while, then I started thinking about some friends that have been around the whole time.


it's funny how you can have friends that things are always good with, others that you kinda get into a rut and go on auto-pilot, then others still that were always kind of there all along, but recently you realize just how very similar you are with them and you wonder why in hell you're not at their house right now drinking coffee.

but I guess in some respects, the friendships I have and maintain are just reflections of my own life as it has its ups and downs. ... and the wheels go round and round....


ok. that's enough babble. I guess I'm just saying that it was a nice walk this morning. Nicer still when I got home and was able to unstrap the Moose from my chest. you don't think about what a difference losing 20 pounds is until you strap it on, have it bounce around for 20 minutes. Hard to realize I had that much extra bouncing around for about 7 YEARS. yikes!



happy friday, gang!

pulse point

yeah, yeah... I'm still here.


good news, Susie had her baby boy last Friday... all is well. We here at the Fever are totally in love already, and we haven't even met him yet!

Seamus Daniel.

(that's pronounced Shay-mus, for all you non-Irish folk out there)

congrats to my Lovah and her entire family. Truly, they are blessed.



ok. moving on.

Camp "Keep the panties dry" is thriving. there have been many many funny sayings these last few weeks alone, and I almost wish I had written them down. However, given Rhena's insistence of just how "berry punny" she is, I don't think we're at the end of her off-the-cuff remarks. I almost think I need to start another blog entitled "Actually..." where the entries would all consist of her sayings.

but that's an ALMOST. cause doing so would require more work on my part, and in case you can't tell.. I'm not exactly pumping out the writing over here these days. so yeah. almost.


I've been missing things lately. and not the missing things like last year when rhena would hijack things from my vanity drawer and hide them.. I mean people.

My friends. I really REALLY miss my friends.


BTW---- Debbie J--- seeking an echo, momma. e-mail me your number in colorado... please!


I've been so busy with trying to get through each day that I've once again disappeared off the map. And the only thing that I can honestly say I've gained is the insight as to why everyone nags couples about when they're going to have kids.

I THINK.. and I could be wrong.. but I THINK the reason why so many people (read as 'established couples with children of their own') constantly badger other people (read as 'single people or newly formed-slash-newly-married-but-still-no-kids-couples) about when they will have kids is not because they love a good baby story.. it's cause they're looking to absolve some of their own GUILT!!

people... I've become a REAL ASSHOLE. I am SO CONSUMED with my own life, that I have NOT been a good friend. I've missed birthdays, weddings, graduations, parties, housewarmings... you name it. but a-hah!!! when the 'miss-ee' has children.. THEY UNDERSTAND why you're a total fart-knocker and haven't been around on the regular. Most of the time, cause they've been there/done that/still doing that themselves, and realize that when you only get 15 minutes of silence a day between the hours of 6:30am and 7pm (wait, no.. baby's crying again.. ok... 8pm.. oh, wait, no.. there he goes again, shit.. make that NINEpm) anyways.. when free time is limited...it's understandable when you miss shit.

So to all of the two readers I have out there that haven't been scared off by my redundant tales of mommy-dom... just know that if someone asks you when you're having kids.. it's most likely cause they feel like a jackass for forgetting you, and want you to have kids to even the score a little.


well, except me. it's no secret that I've been missing shit cause my head has been up my ass for a while now. And I really do love a good baby story.


hope all is well, everyone. I need to go fishing under the couch for some lost toys. and maybe my sanity. I know it's got to be around here SOMEWHERE.

SO close!

Tomorrow... the wait is over.


My dear friend and lovah, Susie is FINALLY going to have her baby boy.


In my time around the track, I have made many many good friends. And I'm not talking the kind of 'good friends' you have that hook you up with discounts or good seats or throw sweet Christmas Socials with grand prizes every year. I'm talking about the friends that send you day-by-day pill cases when you can't stop throwing up and just spent half your check on prescription meds. I'm talking about the kind that you know and hold in your heart, and of course, the kind that have seen you in your pyjamas crying about how just so very fucking tired you are about the topic de jour, and they didn't head for the hills.


Friendships like that are great. Knowing that there's another person or people in the world (besides your mom) that truly support you and validate your existence really make for a good time. The thing about that level of friendship, though, is that sometimes shit isn't so good. Having that kind of friendship and BEING that kind of friend right back means that sometimes you have to witness hurt, sorrow, anguish... and not be able to do a damn thing about it.


My friend Susie and her husband Dan had a long and difficult road in their attempts to become pregnant with their second child. I won't re-capture that journey here, but I can say that it was a difficult road for me as well. Being the friend of someone trying to conceive was not a new thing to me, but there was certainly an extra ache knowing that we started trying around the same time, and month after month as my child grew, my dear friends were at a stalemate. I can't imagine the heaviness THEY must have felt trying to be supportive of me.


But all of that is in the past. (Well, not really... I still have some friends that are TTC... )

BUT.. for Susie and Dan... it is in the past. Tomorrow, they will have another son. His name is still a big secret to the world, but if I listen closely, I'm sure his name is already in my heart.... after all, he HAS been a resident there since before he was conceived.


My thoughts and prayers are with Susie, Dan, and Big Brother Liam as they await the birth of their bundle of joy. We love you!!!

Parent Club

I think I'm officially a member. or am in GRAVE danger of being kicked out.


just this morning, I realized that it didn't phase me to see Rhena in a bathroom, fully dressed, wiping her hands dry with toilet paper. oh.. did I mention that there was an epic-sized poop in the toilet and water ALLLL over the toilet seat? and did I mention that her hands were soaking wet and the sink was dry? and I mentioned the epic poop in the toilet, right? in the toilet WATER?

me. not phased!


granted, we did use about 6 pumps of anti-bacterial soap within 30 seconds of this discovery... but me... totally un-phased.


(I'm probably getting kicked out)

Oh, and I quote:

"That silly poop was trying to get on my penguins, so I ran REAL fast and I got ALL the way on the potty and I PUSHED it out and said goodbye and said 'get out of here poop!' SILLY POOP!"



/ end quote.

Settlement

feels like lately all I've been doing is going from one stage of settling to another.


whether it's a new routine, a new location, my blog, a new job, a diet, or new face in my/our lives... we're always getting settled.


now.. this is either a sign that I'm a very grounded person, or that my life is always in a state of upheaval.


hmph. I guess we all kinda know which one applies, huh?


oh well... variety being spice and all that shit, right? I guess.


I wonder if I'll ever feel "stable". granted, after the week we had last week, it's a far cry from a miracle to think I'd have stability any time soon. But... I look at my parents, and some other couples I know... and it just seems like they're so... TOGETHER.

do I want that? I guess I do. but on the other hand... I guess I already DO have that. I mean... my children and husband are together with me in this chaos called life... and that alone is comforting. and if our lives were so predictable and without variation, I'd probably be bitching up a storm about that... or sleeping.


oh.. how sleep sounds so delicious right now.....


oh well. maybe that's just one of the side effects of the early stages of parenting. the constant sense of frenzy. no... chaos. no.... uncertainty. no... that's no quite right either. maybe it's all of that and then some. I think just the fact that I can't put a finger on the state of my environment goes to show just how very un-stable shit is.

but again... would I have it any other way?


anyway.. hope all y'all out there are getting settled into summer. it's hot here, so if you need me, I'll be holed up in the house with the AC on full-blast.


oh... btw... I finally started adding links back to my sidebar. if I've forgotten you, or have you on and you don't want to be... just let me know. M-baby... are you still super-stealth, or do you want linkage? lemmee know, k?

The most expensive week EVER

ever have one of those weeks where shit just can't HELP but to fall apart all around you???


yeah.



so things started last week when our washing machine broke. on thursday. apparently, God decided that draining the water from the washer's drum would make shit a little too easy here at the appollo... so here I am, with a screaming moose and pooping boogie, and a shitload of water in the machine that won't drain. oh, and my folks on the way. sweet.

fine fine... take care of the kids... call sears and schedule an appointment for someone to come fix the damn thing, and finish cleaning the house so my parents don't personally witness what a chaotic mess the house can become.

sears says no one can come until monday. fine. well, not really fine, cause did I mention the screaming moose and pooping boogie? I'm pretty sure we have enough clothes to get us throuh til monday, barring any major illnesses and atomic spills, so let's just pray the machine will be fixed on monday.


ok fine. folks get in, and visiting begins. all is fine.


staurday morning, troy, my dad, and I go about roto-tilling the back yard so that we may assemble the son of satan... I mean this playset. 2 days of HARD ASSED labor, rhena's park was erected. did I mention the 40 bags of regular bark mulch and THIRTY bags of rubberized playground mulch??

yeah.. so anyway...

Monday, Troy's car kinda died on the way home from work. when I was cooking dinner. while my folks are here. ... the good news is that he was able to get it going and got home safely... more importantly, without us having to call a tow, and me truck my ass to the interstate to get him.

so tuesday didn't fare as well, cause the car REALLY died on his way to work. got it towed to the local honda dealer, and we waited on an estimate. the initial estimate came back at $600+ dollars to fix the timing belt and some other oil leaks. yeah yeah.. better than having to buy a new car... go ahead and fix the damn thing.

well.. I guess when they actually got under the hood to look at the stuff, it turns out shit was melted and fused together and now the DETAILED estimate of work was in the ballpark of $5k.


uh.. can I get a giant FUUUUUCK!!????!!!!

24 hours full of crying, heartburn, stress, more crying (this time by the kids, not me), ANOTHER missed bunco... we are now the owners of this truck.

I need a nap. and a night out. and then maybe another nap.

but now the chilluns are up, and it's go time again.

oh... remind me later to tell you about how you shouldn't leave standing water in your broken washing machine for 4 days while waiting for the repairman, cause your whole house and 50 ft perimeter of such will smell like rotten eggs. and as you pay the repair guy $250, you wonder if you'll ever walk into your house again without the smell of putrid ASS choking you.

ok... I can't stop.

now I'm pissed again.



at first I was pissed at HBO, at Chase, at the entire world affiliated with the Sopranos.


then I thought.. hmm.. that's profound. deep ending. not bad.


but I'm back to being pissed.


seriously.

they FLASHED to the twins inside the car when Phil's freshly-dead body was GETTING ROLLED OVER. the twins were SMILING!!!! as they were running over their grandfather!!! (side note.. I could just be sick in the head or drank too much coffee, but I did find that scene to be leg-slapping hysterical...)



and these are the same writers that give us a "blank" ending??? I'm pissed again.

my last moments of sopranos was watching meadow not know how to park a fucking car???? watching AJ, Carm, and Tony eat onion rings????


I can't wait til tomorrow so I can cancel HBO finally. finale. BAH!!!

Sopranos Finale....

seriously. I call bullshit!


the sopranos????



THAT was how they ended what.. six YEARS???? (or is it seven, for all that time off for bad behavior?)


I'm calling bullshit. big, ugly.. weak-assed, pussyfooted crappola cappicola BULLSHIT.

I guess that HBO was right in that no one would be able to predict how it would end, because, oh wait.. it DIDN'T!!!!

I'm too pissed to even go on with going off about this.... but I am definitely disappointed.



tomorrow, when I'm done being pissed about the ending, I will recount how freaking hilarious many many scenes were. but for now... I still call bullshit!



_______________

edited at 10:44pm to add:::

ok.. in my on-line grasping at straws, I saw someone leave a comment on this page about the ending. the commenter stated the following:

I thought the implication was clear. Tony IS DEAD and WAS CLIPPED by someone. We the audience have always seen the episodes from Tony's point of view, and the blackened silence is what Tony sees and hears when he finally gets clipped. Remember the conversation with Bobby at the lake? "I wonder if you hear the one that gets you" - the final episode answers that question. That is why they flashed back to it at the end of last weeks episode. He never heard the one that killed him.

Posted by: themoodyblue on Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:26 pm


ok. I like that. I don't think it was all THAT clear... but I like that idea a helluva alot better than just just 'whatever'.

128 pounds of fat on the wall

ok. maybe 128.2 pounds. and not as much fat, cause did I tell you I lost another point-eight pounds this week?


grand total is 15 pounds since starting.

5 more to go, y'all.....

Potty Mouth

Recognizing the fact that I curse way too much for a mother of two children.... I need to talk about my potty mouth as of late. but not the "sonofafuckercrackassedbitch!!!" comments you can imagine me muttering under my breath when once again the Moose is up screaming in the middle of the night.


no. we're going to leave that subject alone. although-- funny story.... I made a weird turn when we were driving back from jersey a few weeks ago, and Troy exclaimed " JESUS!!" in a way only backseat drivers can do... yeah.. not a HALF a second later, our bubbling blondie daughter did her own echo of a cry to our dear Lord on Most High. that's the worst she's ever repeated so far, and for all my truck-driving sailor tendencies, I must say I do a fine job of curbing my language around her. Troy?? meh... not as much. but I can say for sure my kids won't be learning curse words from me. at least not yet. I imagine a few *may* be learned during the impending teenage years....


but all of that's an aside.


my potty mouth I'm referring to is that of Boogie's bathroom habits. This training experience is REALLY teaching me creativity and patience. oh, and how to be creatively patient, too. I have had conversations with my child's private parts, as well as her bodily fluids. I have been told by my daughter's pee-pee (which coincidentally sounds JUST like her...) that it's too cold to come outside. Her poopies (also, a dead ringer for her voice... go figure!!) have insisted that they can not come out until they see the chocolate candies.

whaddarya gonna do?

yesterday was a monumental day; she peed 7 times and had a discovery-channel worthy poop, all in the big girl potty. and she kept her pull-ups dry all day. who KNEW that such a simple body function would be the source of such strife and excitement in my life???

today we're also doing well. I'm proud to say that Boogie peed on the big girl toilet.. AT THE MALL. in a PUBLIC TOILET!!!! seriously.. even *I* have trouble peeing in them some days!! Now.. I must also include that I am not proud that in so doing the deed, she kinda peed ON ME... (seriously... her pee defies gravity... she seriously is a geyser of urine!) but still. public bathroom. check!

The good part about being peed on was that I had just been trying on bathing suits. That sheer act alone pretty much had me numb from the neck down, and I was just so flippin' happy she was peeing on the toilet that it didn't bother me that she was really peeing ON the toilet.. and not IN it. oh well.. one step at a time, right?


I'll talk about the bathing suit hell another time. like, you know... when I'm highly medicated and you know... highly medicated or something.

Feeling Itchy

well... I had a feeling this day would come, and sure enough.... it did today.


there has been scuttlebutt around the streets of Stepford, and most especially at the recent Bunco gatherings of someone hosting a toy party.


a sex toy party.


I just got my invitation this morning, and I have to tell you... the whole idea makes me feel itchy. ok, ok... I'm sure many (if not MOST) of you are wondering what the problem is with someone throwing one of those sex toy parties. To be completely honest... I don't find anything wrong with someone HAVING one of those parties... I just have major issues with the idea of ATTENDING one.


I mean.. let's face it.. I'm not single anymore... (not that I ever had sex before I got married, mom and dad....) and as much as I enjoy my neighbors... these ladies are NOT my girlfriends. I mean... I don't discuss my marital sex life with these women.. why in hell would I want to purchase an accessory for it in front of them???


I guess it goes back to my little barometer I have when it comes to friends. There's the kind of 'friends' that you would allow to see you without a bra, the kind that you let come bathing suit shopping with you, the kind you can get drunk in front of, the kind you talk about your husband with, and finally... the ultimate level of trust in friendship.... the kind you would go to vegas with.


so... being that only a few of them even qualify for the no-bra level, you can imagine my apprehension for browsing things I would use wearing LESS than my bra.

and of course... if I've said it before, I've said it 100 times. I have issues. my brain??? it's one of those things that just does NOT shut off. the visuals keep coming no matter WHAT I do to cover my eyes. Think that part of Fight Club when Tyler is splicing in pornographic images into kids' movies. it's as perverse as it is horrific. This is about as best I can do to describe the visuals my brain conjures when I think of knowing what toys my neighbors are buying for use with their husbands.

insert itchy feeling here.


seriously... I've MET these women's husbands. and while there is no way I want to be thinking of the bunco girls themselves naked.... I SURE as hell don't want to picture them doing it with their husbands. then to add an element of kink??? my eyes burn just thinking about it.


so no. I do not think I will be attending the party thursday night. I'll be bleaching my skin that night.

On again, off again

That pretty much sums up life these days. whether we're talking about the potty, sleep habits, or my weight... I honestly feel like a damn yo yo.


ok.. maybe not so much my weight.. thankfully; that's been steadily coming off. HOWEVER... I would be a big fat (albeit getting skinnier) liar if I didn't admit that my eating habits have been crazy erratic lately. one day.. I'm all super-fab-rock-star-dietary-MASTER... the next, I'm chowing down on my beloved kettle corn, justifying that if I eat it standing up that it might not be worth as many 'points'. so yeah... eating... out of control.

BUT!! against all odds... I continue to lose. I have officially hit my first goal with weight watchers... that beloved 10%. If you happened to read here about 2 months ago, you would have seen that my starting weight was clocked at 143.2 pounds. As of Friday... I weighed in at 129.0 pounds. that makes my total loss at 14.2 pounds. now TECHNICALLY, I realize that I'm not at a full 10% until I lose 14.3 pounds.... but since the scale I weigh in at measures in increments of two-tenths, and since it's my blog, I'm calling it official at 10%. Next stop... 123.2 pounds. that would make my total loss at 20 pounds... I might actually just get there, too... if I could step away from that damn kettle corn! HAH!


so let's see.. more in the on-again-off-again department... the potty. if I tell you we have been on and off that toilet more times a day than I had hair colors in college.. it's an understatement. but I imagine that anyone who has a child that knows how to use the toilet (the child, that is... )can attest to that. It truly is a lot of work, and demands a LOT of energy. positive, up-beat, do-a-lot-of-sitting-and-waiting-but-be-really-frigging-happy-and-entertaining-the-whole-time-even-when-the-other-child-is-screaming-his-head-off energy.

Troy has been GREAT with Rhena through this process, and has really been able to get her to 'make poopies'. At first I was a little jealous that he can come home from work, swoop in, and she magically pees or drops logs.... but now I'm just happy it's getting done. I'm actually beginning to believe that she will be able to attend school this fall. Of course.. there's the other notion that we will in no way be able to AFFORD said school, cause with all the prizes we have been offering to get the pee pee to wake up and the poops to come out.. well.. let's just say we could go broke. I'm thinking BIG-ass yard sale in a month from now. or, just pray that the Moose likes pink toys, and I can recycle all this crap when HE starts to potty train.


Speaking of Moosey... he's 6 months old now. !!!! seriously... you know what a slap in the face as to what kind of fog I've been in it was when I realized he turned SIX MONTHS OLD???? apparently, while I wasn't sleeping.. time kept right on ticking. who knew?

and sleep is what I have not been doing. for a few days last week, Danny actually slept the entire night. 7pm - 6am. !!!!! of course, *I* did not sleep, because I kept waiting for the little bugger to start wailing in the wee hours. And as if on cue... I began to believe. I believed in the idea of going to bunco again. of going out to dinner with my husband... ( like on a date! -- crazy, I know!) I believed in sleep.

and just as I bought into the sweet sweet dreams of the night... the waking began again. I attribute it to the new tooth he has coming in. poor little guy has a HOLE in his gum, waiting for the pearly while spear to coming a' pokin through. It sucks that we're back to square one of him waking... more so because now the crying spells are lasting longer and longer (last night I seem to recall a starting time of 2:44am, with him FINALLY settling down at 4:03am. bleh!) but it sucks cause he's miserable, and I don't quite know what else to do for the boy.

oh well. this too shall pass, right? right.

like I said... on again, off again.

not quite there yet

so I'm quickly learning that while it's great to savor small successes in child-rearing... a parent shouldn't necessarily hold their breath.

says the child to her mother (who is still basking in the glow of two days in a row of the child successfully having bowel movements in the big-girl-toilet) upon being urged to urinate:


"Mommy-- the pee-pee is sleeping right now. Maybe we should try again later."


yes. the glow is officially gone now.

progress

so... today is friday, which is my weigh-in day at weight watchers. I'm at 129.8 pounds, which is down 13.4 pounds since I started. not bad!! I've really eased off my obsessive point-counting (even had a few slices of a pan pizza from pizza hut last night!!!)

however... I feel like a lost soul in community college when it comes to WW... they're on me to declare a goal. I know I should, and you're 3x as likely to MEET a goal if it has been declared... but I don't want to just yet. I'm THINKING maybe 124 pounds.. or 123.2, which would be down 20 pounds total since I started... but part of me is worried I'll never get there, then I'll feel like a failure.

I dunno. my immediate goal is to have lost 14 pounds, which is what THEY said to do. I guess they start you at aiming to lose 10% of your weight. so... .6 pounds to go.

I probably would have made it this morning if I was able to take a crap before the weigh-in, but alas... pizza hut got the better of me, and I was all stopped up. BUT.. back to my 'progress' theme... I did just drop some logs, so it is very possible I'm at my goal right now. hah!! I suppose it's also very possible that you don't care to read about my shitting habits, but whaddaya expect?? SOMEONE'S always doing SOMETHING here at the apollo!!!


speaking of someone... the MOOSE has begun to eat food. and sleep in his crib. !!!! He's still getting up from hunger in the middle of the night, but we're working on the solid food stuff, and he's screaming less and less when placed in his crib. (ok.. I'm just getting better about waiting till he's damn near passed out from milk-overload before PUTTING him in the crib... but still.... less screaming. progress!!!)

at any rate... I'm feeling better about things. or at least more hopeful. still frigging tired... but definitely more hopeful.

and you know... lighter. Did I mention I'm down over 13 pounds??? booooyah!

Nightcrawler

I am a shadow.

I creep around our house at all hours in the night. tending to this one, wiping up that one, kicking the other to stop snoring, and peeing like a stealth soldier.

for the past week... I have been getting up.. on average... about 6 times a night.

can I tell you how very fucking tired I am???


oh well. goes with the territory of trying to teach your baby that it's ok to sleep in a crib by himself in his own room. of COURSE... NEXT week, I'm going to try to start teaching him that he does NOT need to eat every hour and a half. I'm thinking this might be met with much resistance and for sure.. even more crying. perhaps this weekend will be a good time to stock up on coffee. And did I mention we are once again in the season of the nosebleed???? yeah.. rhena's been waking up every other night with a nose bleed. not sure if it's the onset of our warmer weather, the air conditioning, or maybe I need to add ANOTHER humidifier to her room??? poor baby, though. her bed's been looking like a murder scene.

On an obsessive-compulsive note, however.. I've become pretty neurotic about this whole damn diet thing, and I've taken to weighing myself at odd-hours of the night. cause you know... after waking up and shushing your babies.. why not check your weight???

issues, I know. but so far I'm down like 11 pounds, and I'm hoping to be down even more tomorrow when I weigh in. but the lack of sleep is not helping. at least when I'm asleep, I'm asleep. brain is off. this getting up in the middle of the night means my brain is awake, which means I start thinking about wonderful things like cheetos and fried chicken and chocolate and pies... yes.. a pie sounds SO good right now....

perhaps salivating burns calories??? I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

Back

Given the amount of time it's been since my last post, I should PROBABLY have a really long post stored up in my head... but to be completely honest... there's not much of ANYTHING up there these days.

I've been a complete DUMBASS lately when it comes to the calendar. seriously.. you could probably hold a big one right in front of my face and I'd still get the date wrong.. it's been that bad!!! I attribute that to having been on the road for the past two weeks, but really that's just an excuse. The bottom line is that I have been having severe focus issues. prehaps Rhena is rubbing off on me??

so anyways.. I've been on the road for the past two weeks. We took a trip up to jersey to visit the family, and it was long overdue. My neice and Godchild made her first communion (which, as you may guess.. to a CCD teacher like me is pretty awesome shit!). Other highlights from the trip include getting to see my cousin Rachie and her daughter, seeing my grandmother and Aunt Ann, Danny cutting a tooth, drinking some wine (!!!!!) with my best friend one night, and taking a mini-trip up to boston area to see my dear friend Susie, who is due with her second baby in a few weeks.

Lowlights were getting a flat tire on my way BACK from the boston area, NOT seeing my girlfriend Jody and her new baby girl, rhena waking up every day at about 5am, danny SCREAMING for a total of about 5 driving hours, and of course... having to say goodbye.

I probably COULD go into great detail of the trip, but one tone resonates through this echoing head of mine.. and that is that I am such a blessed person. I have a great family that loves me... and friends I cannot imagine being without.

and I guess that's all that really matters in the end, right? here are a few pics; enjoy. more to come soon.

A Good Day

Take me to the Garden, Child... for this world is far too busy.

Teach me to slow down, my sweet... remind me how to laugh.

Give me gentle kisses, little girl... your love warms my soul.

Let me hold your hand, my baby.... for some day you might not.

Take me to the Garden, Rhena.... and let's make today last forever.

Now Ear This

oiy.


I think I'm getting a hang of this motherhood thing. For the first time that I'm consciously aware of... I have a sneaking suspicion that something is wrong with Moosey. sure, the constant inconsolable crying is a big hint, but let's talk about one thing at a time.


The past two nights have been a rough time here at the Apollo. THANKFULLY.. Rhena has been fine. Other than the fact that it seems to be Bloody Nose season again, she has actually been a joy. so hooray for that.

Danny, however... not as good. VERY irritable, hasn't been eating as much, hasn't been napping as much, (forget about night-time sleeping either.. the last two nights he's been training for the Fidget Olympics....) all in all, he's been a pissed off little boy who wants to be held and tries to break free the minute you pick him up. Laying him down has been a bad idea, too. Honestly, I'd keep him upright in his exersaucer all damn day if I wasn't afraid he's konk his head on one of the attached toys.

Add in a boogery nose, and I'm thinking this may actually be an ear infection. I gave him some Motrin twice yesterday, and shortly thereafter he actually calmed down a little. SO!! today at 8:30, I'll be calling our pediatrician to give her the symptoms and see what to do next.

It's weird... Rhena was never sick, but this Moose of mine... he's putting me through the ringer! (ok.. so technically, this would only be the second time he's getting sick, but compared to rhena's once-in-two-and-a-half-years... this twice in less than 5 months business is ringer material.)

so all in all.. it makes me wonder. is Danny really just more prone to getting sick cause he's the second born? because rhena is secretly putting germs in his mouth when I'm not looking? Maybe am *I* becoming a better parent and am more in tune to what is healthy and non-healthy behaviors?

I mean, really... I think back to rhena's first few months... and there were a LOT of times that I just figured she was generally pissed off and I was a complete idiot as a parent cause I couldn't make her happy. Maybe she was sick back then? I don't know.

oh well. water under the bridge now, right? Only a few more minutes and I can call the doc. like I said, I'm imagining that they're going to say he has an ear infection. In which case, I imagine it's going to be another round of 'wait it out'.

What's the point???

ok... so the diet.


It's been a week now, and I have to say that my strategy of TOTALLY pigging out on chips ahoy last week so I was fatty mc big-big for my first weigh-in paid off.


I had a weigh-in today; my first since starting this blasted change to my life. in the one week since starting the diet.. I have lost 6 pounds!!

can I get an "awwwww schniggity!!!" ????


yeah yeah.. I'm happy, but I'm also being realistic. This was probably just a one-time thing, and the rest of the weight is going to be a long slow battle.


but that's cool. I'll continue to (silently) count up my points until my stomach finally learns that it does NOT need 6 strips of maple-flavored bacon to survive on the weekends. or cheetos. or cupcakes. Ok.. the cupcakes might be a hard sell.. but you know what I mean.


Happy weekend, gang!!! Stay tuned next week when I'm SURE to have a crowd pleaser with "why my body looks like skin-covered jell-o".....

1 forward, 2 back, and Easter Again

so I'm sloooooowly trying to get this blog organized. not that it could ever REALLY be organized, cause after all.. this is a reflection of my brain, and anyone who's anyone knows what a mess THAT is!!!!


anyways.. I'm trying to do that categorizing thing for all my back posts. I figure that with every new post I create, I ought to go back and at LEAST find 'homes' for 2 older posts. and eventually, I'll get my favorite links back up on the sidebar. Of course, EVENTUALLY I'll get a full night's sleep, too... but let's not be talking crazy talk, shall we??



so yeah. yesterday was Easter. we had Twinkie and her husband and son over for dinner which was really nice. I called it an East-over dinner, being that they're Jewish, and still working the Passover action til sundown tonight. Being as good a friend as I can be.. I looked up rules for keeping Kosher (no pork!!! no dairy on meats!!! no flour!!!) and came up with a dish that they could eat while troy and I gorged ourselves on ham, kielbasa and pierogies.

(did I mention that when my folks were here we made 31 dozen pierogies???? probably not, cause that was during the 'time of silence' at the Fever... anyways.. we ate some, and daaaammmnnn they are good!!!)

So it was a nice day. the kids ran around like nuts outside looking for eggs in our uncut grass. so glad when they reached down to pick up something that it actually WAS an egg, and not some southern-bred creature that lives in lawns that need mowing. I think the best part of the day was when the kids were sitting on the back porch, going through their eggs, and Rhena turns to Ross and said, "Happy Ass-over, Wahssie!" I think I got her on video saying it later. but too funny. happy ass-over.


On the subject of candy--- over the course of the day, Rhena ate entirely too much of it. actually, she ate entirely too much candy times TWELVE. cause seriously... the kid doesn't get much sweets. (artificial preservatives and a good helping of ice cream here and there maybe, but x-nay on the sugary shit)

But it being Easter.. we made an eggsception. (get it?? EGG-sception??? oh, I slay!) Granted... most of her basket was full of all things Thomas-related... but we did throw her a bone and gave up some goods. so by the time we even GOT to church... the first few pieces of PEZ had kicked in, and Rhena was to be damned if Thomas and Percy weren't coming in with us. fine fine.. you choose your battles, right???


anyways.. a jelly bean here, a pez candy there... and yes.. troy let her have chocolate. Add in the sheer delight of having company, and she was more wired than Thomas Edison.


a scream-fest ensued when she was told it was bed-time, and she insisted she couldn't go because she NEEDED more candy... pweeeeeeese???? (that was a no)

finally, after some prayers and songs and before she slipped into that sugar coma oh so deep.... she lolled her head to me and asked if we could "do easter again you think???"


yeah... we can do it again. Just maybe next year with a little less candy.

Happy Easter

From all of us to all of you..... Hope you have a happy Easter!

Last Supper

yeah... so ironically.... I celebrated my own little version of a Last Supper last night.


no... I'm not about to get crucified or anything... I just mean to say that last night was my last meal of gorging on meats and cheese with a side of more. (more meat and cheese and potatoes and junk and.. and... and...)

Yes... I have to admit it... my fat ass has started Weight Watchers.


today.



My starting weight was only 2.4 pounds above their published 'healthy' range for my height... but at 143.4.... I have to say it's about time I do something.


Now.. I WILL admit that although I wasn't hungry for them.. I DID knock back 4 chunky chips ahoy cookies (each cookie is approx 700 calories and like 30 grams of fat) AND I also took an extra spoonful of my homemade macaroni and cheese. This wasn't necessarily a 'last hurrah' kind of gorging... it was strategy, you see.


so I FIGURED if I stuffed myself to the bones and wore heavier clothing (I'm wearing cords today!) to the weigh-in... then THEORETICALLY... my very first weight in would be a devastatingly high number. SO HIGH, in fact, that it would be virtually IMPOSSIBLE for me to NOT have good results (read big weight loss) by next week's weigh-in.

I feel like I just won immunity this week on the Biggest Loser, and I'm setting myself up for a significant loss at the NEXT weigh-in so I can be above the yellow line!!


*chirp chirp* said the crickets as Carrie realizes she's gone on such a tangent that no one even gives a shit what she's saying anymore....


anyways... I've always rationalized that I look fine, and for someone in their mid-30's, I don't need to be super skinny. after all.. I'm a MOM now!!! I'm SUPPOSED to be soft, right???

maybe not so much.


So while I'm not so bad off that I'm COMPLETELY disgusted with myself and crying while looking in mirrors (strike that... I tried on a bathing suit the other day and was pretty grossed out by my rear view) ANYWAYS.... I think I need to drop 10-20 pounds. Not so much for the idea of being the magical weight of 125... but for feeling good about myself and being happy in a size 4 or 6.... not an 8 or 10 where I am now.

so now it's time for me to put up or shut up. I'm hoping by being honest about my standing weight (and not the 30 glorious seconds a day after I wake up, pee, take a crap and am naked on a scale that I clock in at 138.4) and stop blaming the doctor's office scale for being off, or my clothes for being heavy.... or one of the many many many other reasons why I justify some number for being ok even though it makes me puke a little in my mouth to hear someone tell me that THAT particular number is my weight....


anyways.. I'm hoping to find the real Cze-Johnson under all these thighs. you know the girl.... she's the one who swore she'd never ever EVER buy 'mom jeans'... especially for herself.


wish me luck! oh, and apologies in advance if I end up being a little bitchy in the next few weeks. Apparently, in addition to having loads of fat in each cookie... those Chips Ahoy bastids also put mild sedatives in every bite!

Good News, Bad News

so the GOOD news is that Danny finally had a real poop. (it had been about 5 days since his last real bowel movement, and aside from a shart ((shitting while farting)) here and there... no real pooping has happened until today.)

the BAD news is that he decided to do it today. in the car. on our way out to lunch. ALL. OVER. HIS OUTFIT.

ALL OVER!!!!

The GOOD news is that I actually had a diaper and wet wipes in the car. (unlike the last time he shat himself in public when I had a diaper and wipes but the wipes were all dried out thus leaving me to 'spit shine' his ass and legs and back.)

The BAD news is that I did not have an extra outfit to change him into. and did I mention he shit himself so that every article of clothing he was wearing was marked with the mustard river of stink??? oh, and despite it being in the 80's all week, it's only 55 degrees today, which is a bit fucking cold for just a diaper.

the GOOD news is that the place we were having lunch at sells clothing.

the BAD news is that the smallest size they had of ANYTHING was a youth's MEDIUM t-shirt. With cartoony pigs and a race car on it.

You know.... I really ought to mind myself next time I call someone else a red-neck. Having Danny in my life is proving to show I belong in North Carolina (well.. at least the SOUTH) more and more every day.

Silent Lucidity

aaaaah.


nap time.


it's a beautiful thing, that nap time thing.


I'm sitting on Rhena's mini-couch in the corner of the living room, with the window open.. and no noises to be heard except the whir of the dishwasher and birds chirping outside. Of course.. this being stepford, you can also insert the sounds of a few lawnmowers, and children gaily playing in their lush green backyards. for shits and giggles, you can mentally dress them in knickers and call them Muffy and Biff (or Brock, Haley, or whatever 'name de jour' is being slutted around the latest Pottery Barn catalogue.....)


but no matter what's going on in YOUR imagined Stepford... absolutely NOTHING is going on here at the Apollo. even the inlaws are napping!! (btw.. my inlaws have been in town, which is why I haven't been blogging)


anyways.. I feel like I should be polishing silverware, or catching up with friends, or cleaning the floors or prepping dinner or something, but I'm not THAT stupid. I mean... quiet doesn't come easy around these parts, especially when company is here.

so I sit.


quietly.

and it's so so nice.

Said, Meant, and Heard

what I SAID was that I wanted the carpets shampooed.

what I MEANT was that the carpets were dirty and I needed to hire someone to clean them.

what RHENA HEARD was that I wanted her to dump shampoo in her brother's room and on her head. today. when I have a list a mile long of things to do.


--------

What I SAID was that we have a lot of things to do today.

What I MEANT was that *I* have a lot of things to do today. outside of the house.

what THE KIDS HEARD was that they have to pull every trick in the book so that the morning will turn into one long stream of 'one step forward, two steps back' in efforts to get the children and myself dressed and suitable to actually leave the house.

----------

what I SAID was that Danny was sleeping and to not open this door.

what I MEANT was that Danny is sleeping, and I do not want Rhena going into his room to wake him up.

what RHENA HEARD was that she should not use THIS door to go in Danny's room.. she should use the OTHER door to go in his room to wake him up.

-----------

What I SAID was that I would be blogging more.

What I MEANT is that I WANT to be blogging more cause I think I have a strong enough grip on my daily routine again that I can cut out some time for myself to do a little on-line fun.

What GOD HEARD was that I needed more shit to do around the house, including fun new ways to challenge me from NOT going past the brink of insanity and/or hiding under a pile of dirty clothes.

cleaned up

ok... just wanted to post so that y'all don't think we're drowning in the vomitorium.


all is going well. well.. maybe not COMPLETELY well... over the course of last week, I found out that two sets of couples were getting a divorce due to reasons caused by infidelity, among other things.


now while that makes me so happy for the relationship I have with my husband... I can't lie... it makes me very sad for the friends involved.

bleh.


infidelity.
cheating.

fucking around.

bleh. bleh bleh BLEH!!!


Ordinarily, I'd like to fancy myself as a person who generally doesn't judge people. but the whole cheating thing??? yeah... can't say I'd be the most objective one to go to.

I KNOW that sometimes there are circumstances which cause the love to be absent from a relationship.

I BELIEVE that it's even possible for resentment to build along with other hurtful feelings such that a person would be less inclined to worry what their actions may impart on others, or to even lack respect for the other member of a marriage.....


but to cheat?

to sneak around such that one day you can announce to your SPOUSE that you've been sleeping around for the past 6 months? or SIX YEARS???


That you willingly had a child in hopes that it would make you love your spouse more???


ugggg. that's the kind of shit that makes me sad. very very sad.


anyways... that's what's been going on in the brain-bone of mine. I mean.... you hear about shit like that, and you just can't help but take a look in the mirror and see what's going on.

So on one hand... I'm so deeply disturbed and sad for my friends... but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm so happy that my husband and I have a relationship in which we both very much hold the promises we made to each other and before God right smack in the middle of our hearts. and minds. (cause let's face it... no matter what your heart feels... your brain makes the actual decision as to whether or not to do something... so having the brain on board is pretty important, too.)


bleh. having a child cause you think it'll make you love your husband more. I just... I just... seriously... I just can't.

bleh.


anyways... here's to all the folks out there that keep their promises. Thank you. cause for each one of you there are... there are countless others who will learn from your example.

Oh what a night!!!

late december back in 63.....


ok, sorry. got distracted there for a minute.


what I mean to say is... bunco was quite the night. QUITE. THE. NIGHT.


hmmmm.... what do you mean, "quite the night"???


well... let's just say that when all was said and done (or should I say ATE and DRANK)... one of our Bunco Girls found it completely necessary to throw up ALL OVER MY HOUSE.

yes... I said it.

THROW UP.

ALL

OVER

MY HOUSE.


ALL OVER!!!!!

ok... I think you get the point... but let me assure you that whatever you're imagining... it was worse. cause it was IN MY HOUSE. Did I mention that it was on the walls and all over the floors? nothing was spared... closets, doors, floors, walls, bathroom rugs... uggg.

My dear friend twinkie made a comment after all was cleaned up (which.. btw... both my friends Ilana and Maria stayed and helped me clean up all the vomit. anyone knows that a friend will help you when you're puking.. but a TRUE friend will help you clean up someone ELSE'S puke.. just because it's in your house. yes.. TRUE friends indeed)

anyways.. Ilana made the comment that my house was like Showtime at the Apollo... so now the casa de Fever has been dubbed "The Apollo". I like it. pretty fitting. I mean seriously.. there's always SOMETHING going on here... and usually set to music. not quite barnum and bailey, you see... but definitely more than the Cleaver's on a weeknight.

so "the Apollo" it is.


kinda makes you want to run right out and join a bunco group, huh????

dang meringue

so tomorrow... I'm hosting bunco. you know... stepford's version of a girls' night IN. sure.. there's a dice game somewhere in the evening... but I'm all about the hosting. something about throwing a party just makes me happy.


food, drinks... and gossip. lots of drunk housewives running their traps and eating too much. good times!!!

of our group of 16 ladies... three that I know of are celebrating their birthdays this month, so I declared this month's theme of bunco to be Birthday. *IF* I have the time tomorrow, I plan on making a soundtrack for the evening, and presenting the birthday girls with a copy as a gift. that, and birthday cake martinis. I think I've got the mark on the chocolate cake ones (though my mom didn't care for it... but I thought it was good)... I still need to play with the vanilla ones. (I'll take pictures)


food to be served includes balsamic chicken drumettes, grilled japanese eggplant salad, sweet potato fries with an herb salt and garlic mayo dip (all from the same Everyday Italian episode) , and a veggie platter with another herb dip. Sweets include berries on a cloud and assorted chocolates for the game tables.

so yeah... doing my prep work now. marinating, making the meringue discs, and mixing my dips so the herbs can 'set'. and trying to avoid mowing down previously mentioned assorted chocolates for the tables.

ok... I'm officially hungry now. pardon me while I go chew on my hands.

Men in Skirts

It's not that I *WANT* to be drunk in the House of Blues in Chicago listening to Gaelic Storm.... but right now.... watching them in hi-def on the monster TV, with that damn coffee finally kicking in....

right now.. I'm feeling my Irish roots.

happy belated St Patty's Day, gang!!!!

coffee magic

yeah. it's 8:38pm,and I'm drinking coffee. dumb dumb dumb.... but what else is new?


a lonnnng time ago, when I was hitting the sauce regularly, coffee had a way of eveloping me in its warmth and making me feel sleepy. I didn't question WHY a large coffee with about a pound of sugar in it would mke me feel tired, cause I've been known to get jittery from nyquil and pass out while popping dayquil. I just chalked it up to the Polish blood in me, and figured things just ad an opposte effect on my system.

however... since the first child was cut out of me.. coffee does to me what it's supposed to... and that's help me survive. I mean stay awake.

(note to self... I'm currently not feeling very awake after downing this big ole mug of Joe... but then again.. I'm watching the Grease auditions on NBC... that could have something to do with my lack-of-alertness??)


------------

hmmm... it is now 9:06pm. the Moose is finally quiet. or not. rats.

and people wonder why I never bog anymore.

I'll Stop the World

Gotta stop my stopping in blogging to say that one of my dear friends finally had her baby.

Granted, the baby came BEFORE her due date, but still...


a sincere and hearty congratulations to my friend Jodes on the birth of her daughter, Zoe.

Jody and her husband are the kind of couple that makes you so happy that they are able to and DO procreate. they're good people, and not only does the world shine a little brighter when they're around... but the future looks a little better, too. Sure, I give her a bunch of shit cause she's got that whole "I'm from Brooklyn and can make my own food cause I'm all organic and shit" vibe to her... but I'm from Jersey and my body runs on processed food, so it's just my insecurities of how she can look so good without ever using aqua net in her life...


but SERIOUSLY.... I love her. she's good stock, and I'm oh so very happy that Zoe is here. Next up is Susie... but I'll talk about that later.


so anyways.... how the hell are you, blog-world??? is anyone still even out there?

as for me.. things have been quite busy. for a while, it was a bad kind of busy... filled with sickness and too many trips to the doctors' and hospitals... but now it's the good kind of busy again.

spring has sprung here in stepford, and as the flowers are blooming, so are my kids. Danny is HUGE. seriously. frigging aych-you-gee-eee HUGE. Rhena is... well, she is amazing. her brain goes on and on like her legs, and every day she makes me laugh myself silly and hold on for dear life as she pushes me to the brink of mental breakdowns. she is two. oh BOY is she two. but that's a good thing, Martha.


I feel like I have so much to say.... especially along the lines of where the hell and why have I been gone so long. in part, I think I had to dig in deep and find my way out of my post-partum funk. having the second child really put the screws to my daily routine and what I formally understood to be my life. I feel that now, just past danny being here for 3 months... that I'm starting.. just now STARTING to get a handle on things.

you see, when it comes to cleaning.....I have a bad habit of scooping things up, and shoving them in a box or bag, then 'hiding' said box from the public... usually into a closet somewhere. so while it looks like my house is in order... my closets will go toe-to-toe for any haunted house out there.

so I guess without being TOO-too wordy... (I know.. too late) you can say I was kinda cleaning out the closets the past few months. My girlfriend Jennifer calls it 'secret cleaning'. you know.. when you're cleaning up stuff that nobody really ever sees... like your underwear drawers, or your tupperware cubbord... or my brain.

so anyways... I guess I'm back. although... my folks are currently visiting, so I'm really not online that much. so I'll be scarce for another week or so.

but yeah.. I think I'm back. I mean.. is IS the season of Idol right now... and Paula is too annoying for me NOT to be blogging.



SO!! until next time, which will be much sooner than the last time.... peace out!

calling in "sick"

ok. January's over.


unfortunately, the colds that have been running rampant through my, Rhena and Danny's bodies is NOT over... so I'm calling in sick.


I will post again soon... cause after a month off, you KNOW I got stuff to blab about.


but for now... I'm heading straight for the tissue box and praying the kids don't wake up for at least another half hour. Momma Fever needs a break.

Closed for Rennovations

Happy New Year, everyone.


Here at the Fever, we've noticed a slow decline in the quality of the management as well as the overall appearance and frequency of blog posts. To serve you better, we've decided to take a temporary hiatus from the internet while we make some changes. Rest assured, all is well in real life; it's just needing a little more attention than it's been getting lately.

I will continue to visit and comment at other sites, and I will still post some pictures over at the photoblog.... but for now.... there will be no new content for at least the month of January.

Thanks for your patience during this time, and may you all be off to a wonderful 2007.

A new month

well... we did it. everyone here in Johnsonville survived Danny's first month on the outside.

I think the hormones are balancing out; I feel less and less depressed-slash-pessimistic about my personal appearance, my capabilities as a functioning human, and pretty much life in general.


The floors still aren't done, and the world hasn't stopped... go figure. Sure... I'm still cringing... but I've been thinking more about what Rhena's face will be like this year when she gets to open about a gagillion presents from Santa and family members....


As for Danny... my little moosey.... he's great. he still doesn't sleep much, and he constantly eats... but he hasn't peed or jet-rocket-pooped on me in quite a while, so he's currently on my good side.

Rhena continues to amaze me. the things that she says and does crack us up regularly, and though I still watch her like a hawk when she's around the baby... her intentions towards him are nothing but loving.


I had the distinct pleasure of celebrating Chanukah with my Twinkie last night. We all went to her house for dinner. The main course was Latkas and Brisket, and I think I gained about 5 pounds. Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but Twinkie was a professional opera singer, so to hear her sing while lighting the Menorah was a truly moving experience for me. I felt very blessed to be sharing in her family's traditions.

I come from a family rich in traditions, so I'm big on learning about what other people do. Now that I'm a mom and our family is complete, I'm trying to figure out the balance of incorporating traditions that Troy and I grew up with as children into OUR children's lives... but also trying to start some new ones.

This year I took Rhena and Danny to a pottery place and had Rhena paint some ornaments. Danny was SUPREMELY pissed off when I painted his foot blue to imprint the ornament, but I think he's over it now. I think as the years go by and their ornament collection grows, it'll be a nice activity to look forward to each year. At least for now *I* look forward to doing it again, and since they can't drive yet... they'll be doing it again next year. hah!


what are YOUR traditional schticks for this time of year?

Mirror Mirror

So I've noticed lately that I am NOWHERE in the same ballpark of looking at myself and seeing what other people see.

I think I have a decent grasp of who I am and what my capabilities are. I know I'm an attractive person with a normally great personality (hormonal breakdowns not withstanding). I know I'm not, nor will probably ever be one of those HOT MOMS you see on tv or in certain web circles. but again.. I do ok, and most days I would venture to say I'm not painful to look at, nor am I causing secret laughing fits of the general populous.

As a mom, I also feel I'm doing ok. Rhena is healthy and happy, and for the most part, a delightfully well-tempered and mild-mannered polite little girl. But then again, she's two, so that could change in a few years. As for Danny... well, I haven't dropped him yet, and I manage to keep up on his diaper changing, feedings and bathing.

As a wife... well.. let's just say Troy's been getting the short end of the stick lately. he does get dinner cooked every night and he has yet to run out of clean clothes to wear... and he'll get the occasional foot-rub as a bonus at the end of a long day... but that's about all.

but yet... I have to be honest and tell you I feel like I'm really falling short lately. I regularly find myself feeling unaccomplished and distracted, as well as frustrated for the lack of things I seem to not be getting done. plus my hardwoods are so disgustingly filthy it makes me cringe to think of it.

Again.. just being honest. I feel for the most part I'm doing OK...but ok has been feeling like a failure lately. Well, definitely at least not enough. So lately, when I have been communicating my feelings of failure to some friends, I am met with cheers of how great I'm doing and how I'm being too hard on myself.

So this makes me wonder.... am I REALLY being that unreasonable? I appreciate the sentiments my friends slather on me, and I understand that all support is well-intended. I do, after all, have wonderful, generous and supportive friends (both inside and out) and I would say it's just their loving nature that causes them to say what they do.

but in the same token.... back to me wondering.... have their standards dropped??? have their expectations or opinions of my capabilities been hampered such that me showering and leaving the house is REALLY a cause for celebration?

Perhaps no one wants to be the one picking on the post-partum chick... and I imagine fucking with a hormonally unstable woman probably isn't the best idea, so I can't really blame anyone for not giving me some tough love... but still.

In some probably sadistic way, I think maybe it would be nice to hear that yeah... I DID drop the ball majorly, and I DO need to step up my game a little. I mean... nobody gets better being told they're perfect all the time, right? not that I'm being told I'm perfect... but being told all the time how I'm exceeding all normal expectations isn't giving me any incentive to do better.

Granted, I fully recognize that if NO ONE was telling me I was doing a good job, I would still probably feel like an unaccomplished piece of shit... so perhaps this is a moot point.

i'm lucky to have the support network that I do, and appreciate the way my loved ones try to boost my morale and make me feel better about myself. But I also appreciate the girl in the mirror who isn't complacent just getting by every day. I just wish that the messages I've been getting from each lately weren't so opposite of one another.

The week that wouldn't end

sometimes, especially when you're a raging post-partum bag of hormones, you have a bad day.


sometimes... those bad days are really only a few shitty events in the morning that set your mood to foul for the rest of the day. I seem to be a master of those kind of days. Even back in my swingin' single days... I can recall waking up late, slightly hungover, only to find that my period had unexpectedly arrived and ruined a super-cute pair of underwear, and... well... you get the point.

And now... well, now that I'm married and the parent of two other beings, I'm four times as likely to have shitty events, cause there's my OWN propencity to welcome misfortune, and as well as the likelihood of Troy, Rhena and/or Danny being in a bad mood and passing it on to me.


So with that in mind... trust me when I tell you this week doesn't seem like it will ever end. cause you know... SOMETIMES you get hit upside the head with shitty events for four days in a row.

and that's the catch you see. cause while I WANT this week to just be over already.. (cause trust me when I tell you this has been one humdinger of a week for me) yes, while I want the week to just be over, I then realize that we're one week closer to Christmas, and I think of all the things that aren't done yet and I start to breathe funny and sweat.

Come to think of it, since becoming pregnant, I've been spending a lot of time on that emotional fence. I often find myself just surviving by repeating the mantra of this only just being a phase, and how it shall too soon pass, whatever the "this" or 'it' may be.

and just as suddenly as our house can turn into an utter screaming chaos, I find myself wrapped in a moment of wonder and accord and I find myself wishing I could freeze time.

oh well. 'tis the season, right?

A Week(end) moment

so I'm taking advantage of the fact that Troy's home from work and I'm allowing myself to be online.

so I guess while I'm here, I ought to say out loud that it's Troy's birthday. not that it really matters to most of you... but here in our house, it's another official occasion for Rhena to sing happy birthday, and for me... well, it's another reason to eat cake.


so happy birthday to Troy. bring on the cake!


ps... new pics are on the photoblog, including some of the newest Johnson.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled silence

... just letting you know that I really have nothing to talk about.

we've been in survival mode lately.... and while that's going fine by most counts... it's pretty exhausting.

I've begun to adjust to the humungo TV, as well as very little sleep and the GINORMOUS milk cans that have replaced my once-oh-so-cute boobs. Though I must make a point of noting how being adjusted to something and actually LIKING something are two different things. well.. maybe not so much the TV. I'm starting to like it. expecially since my blind ass can pretty much watch it now without glasses, the screen is so freaking big!


my head has been residing in a place somewhere between up my ass and in the quiet fog of sleep deprivation... so I pretty much have been unable to finish complete sentences lately. I do much better in the morning after my mug of cold coffee, but I could just be so far gone that I only THINK I'm doing better when in actuality, the caffiene is just making me talk FASTER, so it seems like I'm actually saying more.


but yeah. it's friday, and I made it through my first whole week (5 days) of 2 kids by myself. wow.. just writing that makes me tired. but still... five days. and no one got hurt! not a bad start, if I do say so myself.

alrighty... I'm off to do things that I only dare to dream about when both kids are awake. you know.. like EAT, and use the bathroom.


have a great weekend, gang!

Coming up for Air

well, every once in a while here at the Fever, I like to talk about stuff that's completely NOT related to babies.

today needs to be one of those days. I'd tell you why, but then I'd be talking about babies, and we're not doing that today.


SO ANYWAYS.... things have been trucking right along in these here parts. In a post-partum moment of despair, I pointed to the TV section of the Best Buy ads that comes in the Sunday paper. Needless to say, by merely showing the faintest interest in TVs, I opened a floodgate I soon would not be able to contain. In all actuality, though, I think those floodgates would have been bum-rushed even if I was in the same room as Troy and the ads at the same time. (Yes.. Troy is THAT bad.... remember the ooh-ooh-gotta-go-to-the-world-series fiasco a little while back?)

so floodgates were opened, nay I say Pandora herself was up my ass with her box of despair, and there was no going back. So Troy got his TV. oh, excuse me, WE got the TV... I forgot. It's a gift for BOTH of us. yeah. whoopity do.


so since we have this behemoth monster in our living room now, we decided it was time to get caught up on the netflix movies that have been kicking around. After three failed attempts in the hospital to watch "road to Guantanamo", we decided to just return it. I don't think troy made it past the first 5 minutes of any time it was on.

we've seen Primer, which I think I would have liked better if, you know.. I was a rocket scientist or something. oh wait. I WAS one. strike that. make it enjoyable if I had a PhD in mathmephysics or something. I mean, it was a good movie, but whoa. some of that shit was way deep.

another decent to good rating for a movie would go to I am David. It ranged from cute to heart-wrenching, and definitely made me think of how appreciative I am for the way things are here in Johnsonville.

Lastly... we wasted two hours of our lives this weekend watching Silent Hill. (not even putting a link cause I don't want to be associated in any way to that crap) I can NOT even begin to go off about how sucky this movie was. Granted, there were some cool special effects, but jeepers, batman, if they spent just a FRACTION of their special effects budget on better writers or better actors... well, I suppose it would have still sucked. yeah, it was THAT bad.

it's a shame, too. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, or perhaps my criteria is too high, but I really haven't found a good horror flick lately. I mean, there are some really good (read disturbing) movies out there that border on slightly plausible that make you think... but it seems all the horror flicks just run by a shade of hokey anymore.

Now when I was younger, I'll definitely say Freddy Krueger had me jumping once or twice. now when I watch the movie, I laugh. Have we become a society TOO reliant on good special effects? I dunno, cause it seems as if nowadays the more special effects I see, then less scary something is?

My all-time favorite scary movie is the Exorcist. Not only did it have the holy-fuckernuts shock factor, it also grapples with the possibility of being able to happen. well, for me it did, but that's just cause I go to church and Ouiji boards freak me out.

but the point is.. how OLD is that movie? surely there is a good (read scary) movie out there that's been released within the past ten years?

so get to it, gang.... leave me a comment and suggest a movie. I'm looking for scary ones, but I'll take other good movie hints as well.

peace out.. I'm off to take care of things I'm not talking about today!

will you still love me?

when I'm 34????


yeah. today's my birthday. holy crappernuts. I'm 34, and the mom of 2 kids. I swear if anyone asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be in 10 years, I doubt I'd answer that I'd be sitting on the couch watching my two year old daughter pour water from her cup onto her head and praying that the grunting from my less-than-two-weeks-old-son is really just the result of him pooping, and not the onset of another demand to be milked yet again.


But I'm here now, and all things considered, it's not so bad.


yesterday was a pretty random post, but that's kinda how things have been flowing around here.


BUT... today is my birthday, and for all intents and purposes, it's the beginning of a new year for me. I'm excited for what the new year will bring for the fever.... both the knowns and unknowns.


I know for sure that this month will be busy, what with the new baby, visitors, Christmas, then Danny's Baptism on the 30th. Springtime will see my students and my very own Godchild celebrating their first Communion (trip to new jersey with two kids... whooo-boy!)

there will be potty training of Rhena, there will be first words and first everything elses with Danny.

there will be feeble (but hopefully successful) attempts for me to lose weight and get into a shape other than 'flubby'.


and a whole lot more. shit, I may even do another template one of these days.

but for now, I'll just leave that one in the category of 'unknowns' and enjoy the day. or at least enjoy the cupcakes that are about to come out of the oven. Can't go wrong with a little cupcake action on the birthday.

happy december, gang!

what a week

dear internet....


sorry I haven't been around lately. turns out being a parent of two kids is harder than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong... I'm enjoying the hell out of my babies.... it's just... well.... it's a little exhausting.


My hormones have been in high gear, so take everything you read here with a grain of salt.


this past week has been very busy. there have been many firsts, with highlights including being peed on by Master Daniel, and the very next day being the target of a jet-stream of mustard-colored clotted cream from my darling boy's ass.

I experienced my first emotional breakdown on Saturday (a whole week earlier than it took me to break down with rhena!) and I also had my first post-partum poop.

There have been very very dark moments when I sincerely doubted my ability to survive the day, much less the next 18+ years.

I weeped with sorrow that Danny and Rhena were getting royally screwed with my parenting skills, cause how in hell am I going to balance my time between two children and basic personal hygeine?

There have been times during this past week that I wanted to divorce troy, others still that I wanted to cause him bodily harm. Those moments were fleeting, though, and definitely outnumbered by the times I wondered how everyone else in the world is surviving without Troy as their husband.

my breasts have become freakishly large. and scabbed, and yeah.. every time Danny's nursing, it feels like someone is trying to staple my nipple to sandpaper. over and over and over again.

I fought back tears as I said goodbye to my parents on monday morning. but inside I was scared. scared of how in hell I was going to manage without their safety net. scared.... but ready.

I have become obsessed with my weight and size of my stomach. not healthy, I know, but I can't help it. I'm not going to starve myself or anything, because let's face it.. I'm constantly hungry and I love food way too much. I do know I need to stop being so hard on myself. it's only been 9 days, I know.... but still. my stomach is distracting.

but not all is doom and gloom. There have been moments of pure bliss this past week, too. holding both of my children and knowing there is nothing but pure love in my arms is something I try to do several times a day.

Hearing Danny's quiet wheeze as he sleeps next to me has got to be close to what heaven sounds like. but I could be biased.


friends, family and neighbors have been SO generous. there has been a steady arrival of gifts, both large and small. we as a family feel very loved. I as an individual feel beyond blessed.

and I HAVE managed to shower every day. I may not be sleeping much, but at least I feel clean.




anyways. there you have it. sort of. I'm giving myself another week or two before I expect the fog to clear slightly and I swear pictures are coming.

We did it

well.. we all survived his first day.


who's that? oh yeah.. HIS first day!


That would be Daniel Richard, our new not-so-little little boy.


Eventually I'll get around to telling you about how I made a complete ASS of myself talking when on lots of drugs, and how I threw up like it was my job in the operating room. I imagine I'll be spending future days pondering about how LARGE my son's ball sack seems in comparison to his tiny tiny little penis, and just how difficult it really is to clean said genital area when covered in a mucous-based tar-colored shit.

(for those of you who aren't in the know, like I wasn't in the know a few days ago... might I suggest taking a walnut, dipping it in blackish green latex paint, and using a papertowel to wipe clean. Add screaming child who maintains continuous ability to stick own feet in his own still-covered-in-shit-asscrack, and now you know the experience of cleaning up Danny's diaper...)

but like I said... there's time for that later.


Right now, I'm here to say that it was all worth it. the puking, the cramping, the stress, the more puking, the pebble shits, and everything. I'm completely in love, and while I'm still slightly nervous about how it's going to be to raise a boy into a good man like his father.... I absolutely can't imagine if he was a she.

It's a...new BABY!

Well it's the day we've been waiting for! Carrie went into labor on her own last night (woohoo just like she really really wanted) around 11pm.

They got to the hospital around 1am...

and around 3am...

DANIEL RICHARD

was pulled into the world!

The big guy weighed in at 9 lbs and 21 1/2" long.

No wonder she was so sick - he was taking up every available inch of space in there! I'll post more details when they're available...but for now...

VERY BIG and HEARTFELT CONGRATULATIONS to Carrie and Troy and Rhena!!

And Welcome to the Fever, Danny!

-Susie

The Countdown

well, we're getting close to the 24-hours-to-go mark.


funny... I've had 2 weeks to prepare, and by every definition I'm ready, but today I have a list of shit to do?


I guess it's different when preparing to 'go at any time' vs. knowing you're leaving at such and such time.


today I'm feeling inclined to finally address and send all the thank you's from the afternoon tea that was thrown in my honor 100 years ago.

I'm going through shutterfly and making sure all the albums have been sent to the inlaws

e-mailing some people

making sure my DVR is going to record the office and Grey's and Medium while we're in the hospital (god forbid I miss a tv show!!)

some of rhena's laundry, so "Gamma" and "Hoo-Hoo" don't have to go in search of clean PJ's this week, or be doing laundry on the day we come home with the new baby.

gotta switch Rhena's car seat form my car to my dad's car, just in case they need to take her anywhere while we're gone.


what else? oh.... eat everything in sight cause I'm not allowed any food or water after midnight tonight. (yeah.. that should make me just a real peach tomorrow morning)



I dunno what else to say, internet. I mean, I DO... I have like a jillion thoughts in my head as far as wonders and fears for how this will all turn out... not the cutting open business... just the whole "holy shit we're gonna have 2 kids" thoughts....


but for now, there's things to cross off my list, and time to be spent with Rhena.



oh. in case I don't post again today... everyone be on your best behavior. Susie's going to be a guest blogger tomorrow to let y'all know the details of the One Within. I want everyone to give her a warm and appreciative welcome, ok?

ok. til the next time....