Of limits and limitations

Recently, a blog I've been reading had a post about 'naked blogging'. By her description, I'd generally say that MOST of the blogs I read tend to have a 'naked' side to them. sure, I like humor, but I also prefer to read sites written by real people. and by real, I mean authentic.


Being authentic in this world (at least in MY observed world) is an art. All too easily, we can smile and say all is fine, we can make small talk with a neighbor we truly do not like. We stuff, we fluff, we hide when we're snide. To be authentic... to show, act and speak as one truly feels takes a tremendous amount of courage. Granted, when one can finally find some congruency between head, heart, and external environment.. the rewards can reach limitless levels.


Lately, I have had something heavy weighing on my heart.


Last year, I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer here in Charlotte. I spent all of last August seeking donations, and reflecting on my desire to be aligned with the cause. I spoke of my cousin, who is living with and fighting cancer. I spoke of my Gram, who passed away after battling cancer. I spoke of my girlfriend Denita, whose mother passed away from cancer when she was 15 years old. I had CAUSE. I had PURPOSE. I wanted to make a difference and raise money to not only help support those suffering from cancer, but for research so MY daughter will not have to blog about HER sense of loss and helplessness to the varying forms of cancer. I wanted to walk for those who couldn't. I wanted to walk so Rhena would never have to.


and so I did. I walked. and walked. and cried and walked and laughed and cried and walked more. I made it through that first day, and I collapsed into the love of my supporting husband, daughter and son. And then.. my legs stopped moving.

The next day, I was still unable to move my legs without extreme pain, much less get out of bed, head back downtown and walk 13 more miles. I was so physically out of shape, and my body called it quits.


I was heartbroken. I was guilty. I was angry. I was SO disappointed in myself.

To know my cousin FIGHTS TO LIVE so she has that much more time with her daughter, and I could not will my legs to move was the most devastatingly humbling experience I have ever had. My cousin once again proved how strong she was and forgave ME and made ME feel better about not being able to complete the walk. my friends forgave me. my family forgave me.


it took a long while, but I eventually forgave myself. Mostly, in part, because I consoled myself in thinking I would train more and be better prepared and COMPLETE THE WHOLE WALK in 2008.


well.. here it is.. 2008. on the eve of August, where I would begin my month of seeking donations and speaking about a cause and disease that rests around my wrist every day. that sits on my soul in every good and bad parenting moment. that filters my eyes when I go to jersey and see my cousin. that affects TOO MANY PEOPLE right this very second.

This year, I have dropped a 10 pound barbell on one foot and a shower door on another. and guess what? I'm not in any physical shape to walk 39 miles in less than 90 days.


Despite my vowing last year to make amends this year, I got caught up in life. I succumbed to grueling temperatures. I've been sidetracked with surviving Daniel's recent stage of violent tantrums. I have not been training like I should. and I know it. yes, I've gone to the gym, I've walked here and there, but deep down.. I know I haven't done enough.


So... to avoid feeling like a failure AGAIN... I did not register to walk this year. I registered to be a crew member. support staff, volunteer, behind-the-scenes..... call it what you will.

I know I should be happy about this decision. I'm still aligned to a cause I feel SO PASSIONATELY about. I can still raise money. and I can be right there cheering for those who do walk.

but it hurts.

it brings back the feelings of regret. regret for not preparing more. regret of incompletion.

it brings back feelings of anger. anger that I have an able-body and I'm not doing more with it. anger that I can't fix my cousin.


like I said.. I know I should be happy about still having the chance to be part of the walk. cause believe me.. I know me making my body walk for 39 miles will not be what cures cancer. I DO know that. and I feel that being part of the 'crew' will be every bit as rewarding, if not MORE SO, since I will not be physically distracted from taking part of the event in both a give and take fashion. I have no doubt that I will be SO rewarded when the Walk weekend is done.

it's just that right now?? well... it just is what it is. but i'll get there.

No place like Home

so here in the south... it's hot as balls out.

no, really... I logged on to weather channel and I could SWEAR that the reported temp was 5 degrees higher than the expected high for the day, and that was before they factored in the humidity index.

I firmly believe that if I had one of those thermometers outside of my window that it would be giving me the middle finger, telling me to get back inside and don't come back out until at LEAST september. maybe october.

ok.. I lie. before 10am, and after 8pm, the temps cool down to low eighties.. MAYBE in the 70's if there's a cold front moving through. but even then.. the air is... as snoopy gingerly called it... MOIST. (that's for you, Katy!)

anyways.. I'm sure everyone else is having their share of dog days this summer. my point is that we have been spending a LOT of time indoors. the library, the book store, the food store... every errand has become a major attraction, just as long as it's inside and there's snacks involved.

we've been doing a LOT of dance parties. Rhena's passion for dancing and all-things ballerina has only gotten STRONGER over the summer. At any given time, you can usually find her in SOME fashion of leotard, tights, tutus, slippers or shoes.

Not one to squelch creativity.. I just roll with it.

Speaking of rolling.. I TOTALLY need to get cracking on rhena's birthday plans. it might be an age thing, cause Suser was talking about this yesterday... but holy good gravy.. Rhena has changed her mind AT LEAST a gagillion times about her party theme. Top runners have been princess, wizard of oz, a 'dark' party (hang on.. I'll get to that in a second) and most recently.. a pink poodle party.

The dark party was an interesting one. she came up to me one day and the conversation went like this:

Rhena: "momma... I want a dark party for my birfday. Say 'rhena? what's a dark party'"

Me: "rhena.. what's a dark party?

Rhena: it's a party in the dark, silly! momma.. say "Rhena.. how will we see the cake if it's a dark party?"

Me: Rhena.. how will we see the cake if it's dark?

Rhena: No, momma.. say dark PARTY. say 'how will we see the cake if it's a dark PARTY.'

Me: *sigh* Rhena. how will we see the cake if it's a dark PARTY?

Rhena: With Glowsticks, silly! really, momma.. you are just so silly! we can't see a cake in the dark, so we need glowsticks! lots and lots of glowsticks, ok? so I want a dark party for my birfday, ok?

did I mention it's been a long summer?

Anyway.. she has until today to figure out what exactly she wants as her party. as of breakfast, she was leaning towards the Pink Poodles ("but maybe a black spot doggie for the boys, momma")

we have a few errands to run... so who knows where the wind may blow her thoughts today. oh wait. there's no wind. just the stillness of hot, humid death outside. anyways. what I mean to say is who knows what might happen today. we could be talking dolphins before the day is through.

keep it cool, gang.

Mixin' it up - Old Skool Style

at last. I know.. this week I suck the big biscuit. and with new commenters, too. (hello and THANKS to Angela's mom! and Amber!! and Cathy! and Erin! and Daddy!!!) yeah. all these new peeps, and here I am, a day late.


say it with me. ME = FAIL.


alright. now that THAT has been said.. let's get the party started and turn up the bass.

Last week, I had some fun and scanned in some old pictures from my college days. anyone who's anyone on Facebook (ok.. anyone who happens to be my FRIEND, is what I mean) had the distinct pleasure of seeing me and my former cohorts in what can only be labeled as a fashion MESS. Of course, much laughing was had. of COURSE much of this was at my own expense. but seriously? after 2 kids... things being at my expense just seems natural to me.


but ANYWAYS. to keep with the fun of the week, I asked y'all to tell me a song that reminds you of college. for the first time ever, I offered a chance for you to pick TWO songs... but only if you swallowed some of your pride and shared a picture of YOU from your college days.


apparently most of my readers have a stronger sense of PRIDE than I do.. cause I only got a few takers. to the takers? Jodes and Hannikins??? and ok, Stace.. cause she's got her own scanner wars from Rutgers going on.... well.. BRAVO my friends. I applaud you in your ability to recognize that things CAN get better in time. and thank GOD for that, right??

ok ok.. enough narration. y'all have certainly waited long enough!



Cze-Johnson Fever's Back-to-School Mix

Last Dollar (Fly Away) - by Tim McGraw
True Faith - by New Order
So What'Cha Want - by Beastie Boys
Tonight's the Night - by Rod Stewart
Little Earthquakes - by Tori Amos
Back That Ass Up - by Juvenile
Polyester Bride - by Liz Phair
No Scrubs - by TLC
Trouble - by Coldplay
The Piano Man - by Billy Joel
Angry Johnny - by Poe
The Joker - by Steve Miller Band
Unbelievable -by EMF
Because - by Dave Clark Five
Crush - by Jennifer Paige
Dominator - by Human Resource
Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
Open Arms - Journey
Mr. Jones - by Counting Crows


ok.. I still need to upload the songs into last FM. from what I can tell, if you hit the 'play' arrow on the widget in my sidebar, you can hear the most recent songs (ie.. last week and this week)


I have to say, I WAS going to share the pictures that were sent by the daring girls mentioned above.... but now.. after watching the rod stewart video.. I realize that NO ONE. and I mean NO ONE can have a more embarrassing documentation of bad fashion choices. THANK YOU, Angela's mom.... if not for the music choice, but for the very needed laugh at Rod.


lastly, as I only have like THREE minutes before I need to wake the kids up... as I sat here doing the links and watching videos.. I have to remark on how very interesting the varying 'college experiences' seem to be. good times, sad times, drinking, love, loss, strength, dancing.... how we each chose different songs, yet probably each had the gamut of experiences. so have a listen.. even if it isn't 'your style'. You might be glad you did.

Please Hold (updated 9pm EST)

hey gang!!

Thanks to all who participated in the mix last week! things are just a TEEEENY bit busy here this morning, and I was working on a project last night, so the mix tape is not created yet.

Please check back again later today; hopefully this afternoon when the kids are napping I'll be able to knock it out.


In the meantime, please feel free to visit one of the sites on my sidebar.


still feeling lost? FINE. here's some suggestions:

I finally did a new post over at Crumbles.

Suser will need some post-birthday week love. she had lots of visitors for the occasion last week, so let's not leave her high and dry. show her she's a rock star even without the celebrating!


Erin posted a new pic of her UBER-cute apron this weekend, and a new recipe this morning!


Hannikins finally posted something!!! SERIOUSLY.



crap.. there's much much more, but my phone just rang, and I have to bounce. check back later!

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EDITED TO ADD....


ok. so right now I'm just sitting down and being beckoned to be a wife for a bit. Troy seems to have no regard for the mix tape, and alas, I'm too tired to fight. besides, I smell popcorn. and I know I have a very cold Sam Adams Light in the fridge.

tomorrow, gang.. I PROMISE!!

MIX TAPE - REEEEEEEWIND!

ok.. anyone that's my friend on Facebook has GOT to be having a grand old laugh right now.

I went ahead and entered what my friend and I are calling "SCANNER WARS". That's right... I'm busting out the old pictures from college and putting them up on Facebook.


oh.. it's UGLY. like UGLY-ugly.

like big-haired, SMALL-clothes, RED-lips ugly.

like EARLY 90's UGGGGGGGGGLY!



SO! Since I'm flippin' it back ole school where the waists were high, the hair was teased, and Lord HELP me my jeans were rolled... I'm asking you to do the same.

NO.. no need for you to embarrass yourself by putting pictures up... trust me.. I'm doing enough of that for EVERYONE.


no... today and this weekend (well.. you know.. before monday morning!) I want you to give me a song that reminds you of college. Doesn't matter when you went, WHERE you went, or actually if you went at all.

tell me one song (and ONE SONG ONLY) that was topping YOUR CHARTS in those preciously liberating years after high school.

you have til Sunday night (again.. monday morning if I'm running late or I happen to like you) to cast your vote.

But DO tell us the year(s) it takes you back to. that way we can call bullshit on you if you're trying to sound younger than you really are! HAH!


and I'll tell you what... if you e-mail me a picture of you in college, I'll let you pick TWO songs. consider it a bonus round, with admission being a tiny bit of your pride.


so what say you??? let's LET THAT RECORD SPIN!!!!!

just plain dull

so yesterday turned out as a success. I took apart and removed the existing wall outlet, pulled the fuse from the fuse box, replaced both with new one suited for 20 amps, then re-installed everything.


(love how I just type that like I do this kind of shit every day, right?)


anyways; I was pretty happy. I think I'll always feel extra proud when I accomplish some wiring or electrical task cause the professor I had in college for my Electrical Engineering I and II classes was a total DICK to me. It was right around graduation, and in his office, in front of another professor and 3 other students, Mr. Novy (that's right. he was just a professor; not a DOCTOR) Mr Novy made a flip remark of how I would never be successful in the aviation industry.

Now while I do understand that I did not make a lifelong career in the aviation industry, that asshole can NOT tell me I wasn't successful when I was at Boeing. And to what extent is it his right to tell ME what is successful or not? I mean, sure, we all have our standards of what measures success or not... and based on that premise I probably do not qualify as successful in his eyes.... but that does not mean I have not been successful. just ask my working garage fridge.


ahhh... that's all in the past, anyway. OVER IT!!! speaking of pasts... I have officially entered a 'scanner war' with one of my friends from college. This excites me and scares the crap out of me at the same time. as you've seen right here and by words from Suser (by the way, she's still pimping out her birthday week, so go say hi) I have plennnnnnnty of bad pictures from days of yore. I fear what may surface. I DO see this war spreading to others, though, cause as group pictures get published, I'll be bringing down everyone with me. If you're linked to me on facebook, you might get a glimpse of the horrible outfits I thought were SO COOL 100 years ago.


but other than that.. we're just surviving here in the southern heat. got a few errands to do, packages to finish, babies to visit, and of course.. laundry to do. just another day, ya know?

It's gonna be one of THOSE days.

I'm NOT going to talk about yesterday... the super-mommy marathon in which I single-handedly took on two cranky children and led them through a day of FUN FILLED activities and no naps and nose bleeds and baths and thunderstorms. cause that was yesterday.


I WILL say, however, that I woke up to the garage fridge not working, and that as soon as I can drink just a LITTLE more coffee I'm off to Lowe's to attempt repairing the wall circuit in the garage.

with both kids in tow.


in the rain.



DO wish me luck. I may actually need it.

A world Named Sue (part 2?)

I often mention different friends on here. I USUALLY try to keep them anonymous, unless they have a blog themselves, then I link the hell out of them.

One friend in particular has TRULY helped me get through the past 4 1/2 years without too much permanent damage. which is crazy in a lot of ways, considering I've only seen her in person maybe what... 5 times?

but that's how this world is.. you have friends that you don't really see, you see friends that you don't really have... yet somehow. through cables and fibers and signals and transmits; our lives become melded with others.. one post, one twit, one IM, and one e-mail at a time.

I have a world in a friend named Sue. It's not always perfect; we get catty, cranky, hurt, jealous, and often don't understand what the other is trying to say, even if we mean the same thing. But yet, for all of our differences... we share a soul. or at the very least part of our hearts.

Today is her birthday. Now Sue?? shit.. that crazy hen is celebrating all week long. she even whipped my ass yesterday to make her a button of some sorts for the occasion. see?? (not bad, if I do say so myself)

Anyways.. SHE'S going to celebrate all week long... so be sure to go visit her and wish her well. Here at the fever... well.. I celebrate her all the time. That's how good friends are. they (regardless of the time and distance between) they just have a way of being in your life every day and because of it, you smile. ok, sometimes you HONK... but that's another story.

Like I said.. she'll be partying it up over at her place all week. But today? today I wanted to say that TODAY is a wonderful day, and that I love my friend very much. You know.. even though she calls me a bitch.

You Say He's Just a Friend

whooooo nelly! looks like we had a good turnout this week! Seems like everyone has some good memories with their friends.. so thanks for sharing them.

Thanks also to Suser and Hännikins for pimping out the mix! Speaking of the mix.. looks like we've added some new contributors, so welcome to Caroline Bender, Leslie, Amara's Mom, and Tara! Thanks for joining the fun this week; hope to see you back again! And Jenni?? much appreciation for the band name for Jaime's song choice. you saved me a LOT of time with that!


ok.. so without further ado; plug in your headphones and have a listen. and while you're at it; call your friend or someone you love. I bet they'd be happy to hear from you.


Cze-Johnson Fever's "You Say He's Just a Friend" Mix:


Fishin' in the Dark by The Nitty Gritty Band
Tighten Up by Archie Bell and the Drells
Dancing Queen by ABBA
Fields of Gold by Sting
Hey Mama by Black Eyed Peas
D'yer Mak'er by Led Zepplin
Summer Nights from the Grease Soundtrack
My Wish by Rascal Flatts
Danger! High Voltage by Electric Six
In My Life by The Beatles
I Feel Home by O.A.R.
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot
Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
We Are Family by Sister Sledge
Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay Z
Regret by New Order
All For You by Sister Hazel
Black Betty by Ram Jam


_________

so a few notes. first off; I'm not playing favorites for Erin... I listed both of her songs on this list because as it turns out... Hey Mama is not available for playing on LastFM, and as such will not be in the streaming audio. but since it was her first song, I put it on the list... cause that was her 'official' submittal.


MY choice is on there now, too. Black Betty. LOVE that song; reminds me of cutting out of school and driving down the shore with my girlfriends. ALSO happens to be a fantastic memory of Troy doing a dance on the halloween he dressed up as the flapper girl. aaaah. LOVE that song.

________

STILL having issues with Last FM and the playlist. apparently it's created.... but I'm not finding the code to embed or play. grrrr. mondays are evil to me.


________

one last edit and I may just quit on this subject for the day.

I am working on embedding something in my sidebar. and now suddenly the player I posted LAST week is playing the new songs, too. and now it's the full-length versions, instead of the 30-second preview. *sigh* really. I need to just walk away already!

leave me a note if you can see the player in my sidebar and it works for you. If it works, then I'll just keep it there and forget about trying to re-post it each week.

or not. cause I'm crazy like that... and the sheer frustration of not getting it to work will make me try until I can figure it out.

Sticks and Stones

**********

reminder!! you have until SUNDAY NIGHT to submit a song for this week's mix!!

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ok. so I'm sure everyone that has a SEMI-PULSE on current affairs is aware of the recent hub-bub regarding the N-word discussion on the View lately.


hmph.


so the SMART thing for me.. a white Christian woman living in the south... the SMART thing would probably be to not say anything at all... but I never claimed to be smart. so let's chat about this for a minute, shall we?

Whoopi says she uses the N-word as a way of taking back control of oppression that she and her ancestors have felt since coming to America.

Other chick (Sherri, is it?) says she grew up using the N-word, so she uses it as a term of endearment.

Both Whoopi and Sherri say that they as African-Americans may use the term, but anyone NOT of African American decent may not.

Crying chick (Elisabeth) got fired up and in my opinion did a POOR job of expressing whatever in hell she was trying to say.


I mean.. we ALL get the point. the N-word is historically a derogative term. But no, now it's ok and socially acceptable to use it as a term of endearment... that is if.. and ONLY IF you are an African American using the term. Webster's take can be found here if you really HAVE been under a rock for the past 20+ years.

Arguments can be made in the case FOR using the n-word as one chooses (provided that choice is only used exclusively by African Americans) because we as a society have allowed the term "bitch" to be used as a term of endearment... endearment, that is, when spoken by a woman. Because a MAN saying that someone is his bitch is bad. except sometimes when that man is gay... cause apparently gay men are allowed to be bitches, too.


And lest we forget the homosexuals!!! While it's apparently very allowable for one homosexual to call another a faggot... it's a bit low-brow for anyone else to do so. This makes me wonder if the mentally handicapped of America have a secret handshake or call each other 'retards' when in the presence of other mentally handicapped Americans. Do overweight people get to call each other 'Fatties'?

again.. I say hmmm.


Now don't get me wrong.. I have for SURE called my friends bitches and meant it in a good way. I've even called TROY my bitch a time or two. So I for sure am guilty of partaking in the double-standard. For my own participation in finding exclusivity of name calling, I can say that I do understand where Whoopi and Sherri are coming from.

but if I think about it.. and I mean REALLY think about it... what good has come of me calling anyone a slur? Do my girlfriends feel CLOSER to me because I call them my bitch? would calling them a bitch be better than just saying out loud how I love someone and value and understand them? Because really.. my girlfriends AREN'T bitches. sure, like anyone, each of us CAN be BITCHY... but they are not bitches. they are beautiful, complex, passionate, strong and intelligent WOMEN. all of them! in their own ways!


I even noticed that when I have USED the term 'my bitch' in the past, I say so with such a rough-and-tough demeanor and gusto... like I'm hardcore or some shit. uh... look in MY mirror lately, and I am anything BUT hardcore, folks. but yet... I call someone my bitch, and I'm all gangstah and shit. what is this facade, and why in hell do I need it?

I DO feel that EVERYONE in America (regardless of cultural background) has had to deal with some type of prejudice or hatred at some point in the history of the United States. Ask ANYONE, and I can pretty much bank on them being hated/ostracised/segregated for something at some point in their or their family's life. Religion, skin color, money, size, gender, sexual preference, physical limitations, or any category lacking thereof... there's ALWAYS going to be someone who has been left out or oppressed because of something they just are. Perhaps it is the fear of rejection that continually pushes many of us to try to be something we are not.

Anyways.. I'm not going to go down any road that would suggest what other people should or should not do. I can only speak for myself... and of course.. the ever-important example I will try to set for my children.


This week was a FINE (pun intended) exercise for me in exploring the use of words and how they can be interpreted many ways. I think that at the end of the day.. or at least here, now, and going forward for me... I'd like to make a better effort to choose my words more carefully. After all.. there ARE so many words out there TO USE to describe exactly what it is I think and feel... and if my intention IS to hurt? well.. there's always sticks and stones.

MIX it up!

hey gang! calling all music lovers... or music LOVAHS, be it as your case may be!


Last week y'all brought a certain strength to the Fever, and based on the events of this past week, I can't help but think about my friends.


NEXT WEEK'S MIX THEME will be FRIENDS.


that's right. close your eyes, and think of your best friend. ok.. open them again, cause really.. this isn't an audio blog.


anyways.. I want each of you to think of one of your closest friends, and tell me a song that reminds you of them.

maybe it's your wedding song cause you're that damn romantic that married your best friend. Maybe it's a song that you snuck out of class one time and played over and over in your crap-assed car while you drove down the shore.

YOU TELL ME.


Feel free to elaborate on your song choice, but keep in mind this ain't no love lines, folks. we won't be saying your name on the radio... just playing your song next week.


one song per commenter, please.. and ONE SONG ONLY.

by the way... that website I used last week needs at least 15 songs, so tell a friend to come comment. you never know.. they might dedicate a song to YOU!


y'all have till sunday night to get your votes in.... monday morning if I like you and I'm running late.

HIS-story repeating

ok.. I KNOW it's supposed to be HISTORY, but in this case, I do mean HIS story.

let me rewind.


as in any girl's life.. I've had my share of relationships that never quite made it. pick a reason as to why a relationship could fail or not even get started, and I could MOST LIKELY give you the name of a guy that fits the bill.

recently, I've come into contact again with one gentleman that coulda woulda shoulda but never quite did.


Ours was a story of young-ness. I wouldn't quite say love, because now that I AM in love, I look back and see that the elements that were present between us were not love. perhaps it was PERCEIVED to be love at that time.. and for some, that's enough. But today, in my world of Stepford, the Apollo, and all that makes the Fever burn like it does... THAT.. THAT relationship I had back then? THAT was not love.


so yes. ours was a story of young-ness. not necessarily YOUTH, though truth be told I was MUCH younger then. but YOUNG-NESS in that we were both so NEW in many arenas. I had recently left New Jersey, and while being thoroughly supported by my family (emotionally and financially).. I had my first taste of Independence. I was on my own. the freedoms and POWER of my CHOICES I recognized make me delirious even now.

I met a boy. I was smitten. (this is a key element repeated in just about every 'boy story' I have... but it's still important to say.) (I SAY it's important to say because there are about 100 other chapters I could tell about boys who were smitten with ME that I either failed to notice or pretended NOT TO because it would have been too much WORK on my part.)

so yeah. me. smitten.

Him?

meh... not as much. Don't get me wrong. he WAS attracted to me. he DID secretly relish in the doting I did on him. (and I knew this then because he would kiss me when no one was looking.) To me.. the chase was on.

For years I chased. I waited. I sought. I cried. I pretended I didn't care. I would get 'over him' until the next time he came around. Then I would start back over again.

everybody knew what was going on... though they pretended they didn't because on paper, he and I were 'just friends'. Hell, even *I* knew what was going on.. that I was seeking acceptance, love and recognition from someone who did not want to give it to me. DUH! oh well.. what's done is done. (where was that damn book 'he's just not that into you' when i needed it???)


a time finally came for him to move on. literally; he was moving. a particular event caused me to hit my breaking point, and when final goodbyes were attempted, he was met with a venomous spew from me that apparently was festering inside for so long and could no longer be contained. it got ugly. it WAS ugly.

it was SO UGLY, as a matter of fact, that I have actually blocked it from my memory. really; I mean, I KINDA SORTA remember being angry when he was leaving for good... but I don't remember what was said or even the year I said it. it's just kinda in this hazy 'grey' time in my memory.

and it's not that I refuse to remember myself being mean to someone. no.. I know I have been QUITE the bitch a few times in my life. some occasions I remember every detail. and perhaps for a while I remembered every detail of that altercation. but now? I just remember that we left things not so warm and fuzzy, and that I received a note from him a short while after from him saying he wished never to hear from me again.

anyways... that was lifetimes ago. really. three, in particular... as the additions of Troy, Rhena and Danny to my life have changed the way I view my present, past, and future.

So, long story short (I know.. too late!) I reconnected with the gentleman I just spoke of.


(cue dramatic music, right?)

I guess maybe because I'm in SUCH a different place than I was back then. I guess because I DON'T remember things as clearly as I could. and, I guess I tried to reconnect because I recognize that everyone FROM my past helped to shape me to be the woman I am today. and yeah.. y'all know I bitch a LOT on here, but I do SO VERY LOVE my life.

Generally speaking? I remember this gentleman as a friend whom I have SO MANY SHARED memories with. GOOD memories! FRIENDS! LIFE!!! MOMENTS! GOOD moments!!!

I thought since "we's all grown up now" that I would be able to say hi, bury the hatchet, and get along famously going forward, and have our kids be friends and play great music together over dinner like they do in the movies.

(this is where I'm supposed to realize that life is NOT like the movies)

So we e-mail a few times, and it would appear that we're both doing wonderfully now, and we are both truly happy for one another, and all past misgivings on both parts are forgiven (though if you're reading this blog, PLEASE feel free to be immature and take my side and say that there was nothing for him to forgive cause he deserved any earful he finally got after too many years of putting up with his shit) uh. yeah. all is forgiven.


So I EARNESTLY put it out there that I would very much like for us (meaning our families) to be friends going forward. but as I was writing the e-mail recently.. it hit me.

history.. HIS story... was repeating. HE doesn't want to be friends with me!!!


well, I gotta tell ya. I must be dumb as bricks, cause I ALWAYS seem to be the last one to catch the clue when someone doesn't want to be my friend. I'm surprised I even finished the e-mail to him.... cause seriously, the concept came on like a damn floodlight in a closet. He already got what he needed from me.. he got some closure on his past, and now thank you.. he'll be going again. but yet.. here I am.. once again.. chasing after his acceptance.


and for WHAT? it's not like I NEED his acceptance. perhaps my inner Martha craves that 'smooth finish' to everything. Perhaps I crave honkey-doriness and happy endings cause it makes ME look good? maybe the friendship.. a REAL friendship.. would be the closure or ultimate reward for my years of feeling artificial and not important enough?

so anyways.. that was my thought process as I was writing the note to him. But a few days later.. I have a different perspective. or at the very least am back to my original perspective before digging deep and rehashing past thoughts and emotions.


my perspective is this. I can't be friends with everyone. I don't WANT to be friends with everyone. and friends (or people or characters or acquaintances.. whatever you choose to label them) come and go in one's lifetime. At any given time, another person can serve a purpose and/or have a place in an other's life.

sometimes people have a place AND serve a purpose.. sometimes people serve purpose despite NOT having a place in one's life.

This particular guy certainly served a purpose in my life. after my time with him, I never dated a guy again that felt he should comment about my weight, and I refused to date men that tried to keep our relationship a secret. Those are two very big things to me because of that relationship. and believe you me.. despite ALL the dumb shit troy says.. he KNOWS not to say a DAMN THING if I go for a second piece of cake... and he will never NOT recognize me and/or our relationship; regardless of the setting. see? purpose.


anyways... I have yet to hear back from the long-ago beau. It's only been a few days, but I don't think I ever will. Which, really.. on one hand is a shame.. cause I DO think we'd get along famously and our kids COULD be friends. But on the other.. how can I not respect someone else that has the courage to recognize when there just isn't a place for someone in their life?

I know for sure I don't want anyone in MY life that doesn't want me in theirs.



---------------------

speaking of friends!!! get ready for a new music topic!! Mix-tape theme will be up at midnight (EST) and open for contributions!

Just FINE

"fine" is a very powerful word.


Last week, Danny's pediatrician told me that while he's probably 'fine', she believed she saw a growth of some sorts in his right nostril.

clearly, when the word 'fine' is said AFTER the word 'probably', and spoken by your child's doctor, the word 'fine' does not make a mother feel so. As a matter of fact, it made THIS mother sick. like puked 3 different times SICK. and it made for a long week of repeating the word FINE with actions that did not necessarily match the intent.


For example, despite my telling friends and family that we were 'fine'.. ok, that *I* was fine, and I was sure DANNY was just fine... our friends and family did not listen. I was hugged, I received phone calls, I received e-mails. and yet, I was also given enough space for those who love me the most understand that sometimes 'fine' means very very fragile, and pushing too hard might cause me to not just break, but shatter into a thousand little pieces.

Yes.. sometimes "fine' means that a person does not want to talk about it. FINE meant that for a few times this week.

Sometimes, when a random woman is in a food store asking about Brisket to the butcher, sometimes telling that woman that a particular cut of beef would be fine for making brisket... well, sometimes that causes said woman to erupt into tears. And when that woman starts crying, it's perfectly fine to tell her that she's fine, and just patiently wait til she stops crying so you can calmly and slowly tell her step-by-step how to cook the brisket. Because in those cases when things clearly AREN'T fine.. it's nice to act like they are.. and you know.. that the woman isn't a total freak.


Sometimes, when a wife tells a husband that it's fine that he can not attend their son's appointment, she's really not happy. like wants to shove a golf club up his ass not happy. but MAKES it fine because she is strong enough to be both parents when she has to.


This morning, a specialist told me that Danny was "fine". It was like I was hearing the word for the very first time.... or at least the first time I took it for what it meant.


__________________

turns out what was believed to be a polyp in Danny's right nostril was actually just a small scratch or cut. our pediatrician mistook scab issue for a growth and aired on the side of caution by recommending a specialist to have a look. We were given some saline gel and care instructions, and all should be clear within a few weeks.


much love and thanks to any and all who have offered prayers, notes of love and support, the calls, cards, etc. you are all so special to us, and we appreciate how quickly and wholly you offered your hearts.

again.. thank you.

Public Apology

****************************

this is an open letter to any client of Victoria's Secret that happened to shop at the Southcenter Mall in Seattle, Washington during the years of 1998-2002.

********************

I am sorry.


I am sorry NOT for giving you confidence in your purchase. I am NOT sorry for giving you a perfectly fitting undergarment. Despite my position only being a part-time one while I worked as an engineer at Boeing.... I know I did a DAMN good job with bra fittings.


I AM sorry for not listening.


Not listening when you told me how depressed you are/were of the condition of your breasts. I'm sorry for convincing you that you did NOT need surgical augmentation. yes. I am sorry.

WHY? cause I GET IT NOW.

I now personally understand the effects of pregnancy, nursing, weight gain and loss, and the last bitch... TIME.


yes. I certainly get it now. I GET looking at yourself in a mirror, wondering when and where did the VAST PLAIN below your collarbone appeared, and just what are those droopy flesh-bags flanking it?

I now understand what it's like to look at yourself and SERIOUSLY have a mental debate whether lifting/enlarging the breasts would really be any better than chopping the remaining sacks off altogether.

Granted, I'm MORE SORRY for the lack of designers that cater to women like us, who deep down.. under all these 'mommy' layers... would just LOVE to wear a flouncy and cute sundress that doesn't cover our entire upper-body because of the bras we have to wear to keep previously mentioned sandbags from sliding off into the oblivion called our armpits.

but yeah... you ladies of Southcenter's Victoria's Secret???

my bad. I totally hear you now, and no longer will tell you you're crazy for wanting something else to go on 'up there'.

Music To My Ears

Well, here we are at the ole mix-a-roni corrall.

I'm pleased to say that we got a lot of good songs. I'm ALSO pleased to say that I found a site that allows me to create a playlist and embed it here.. AWESOME!!!! unfortunately, one of the selections was not available on the site, and you DO need a minimum of 15 songs (so I added 2 more songs of my own after my initial suggestion of Rob Zombie)


for now... because it's late on delivery... I bring you STRENGTH... in musical form:

(for the full-song mix online... just click here)


Cze-Johnson Fever's "Strong" Mix:

'Dragula' by Rob Zombie
'In My Arms' by Plumb
'All Fired Up' by Pat Benatar
'Heroes' by David Bowie
'The Show Must Go On' by Queen
'Shine' by Rollins Band
'Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue' by Toby Keith
'Eye of the Tiger' by Survivor
'Bad' by U2
'Stronger' by Kanye West
'I'm Every Woman' by Chaka Kahn
'Strength Courage and Wisdom' by India Arie
'Suddenly I See' by KT Tunstall
'Survivor' by Destiny's Child
'Dream On' by Aerosmith



as you can see, I also have the links to the lyrics and videos.


THANK YOU ALL for participating, and again.. for all the wonderful comments, e-mails and thoughts of encouragement for Danny. I'll update what the specialist says on wednesday afternoon/evening sometime.


walk strong, my friends.. walk STRONG.

A World Named Sue

__________

don't forget to leave a comment for next week's mix! it's super easy, and more fun when more people play! Just think of a song that makes you feel STRONG, and leave a comment to tell us what the song is!

___________

.

SO I know some of the topics I'm about to bring up are already old news.. but MAN.


So last night, Troy and I were watching "Dan in Real Life". It was a very enjoyable movie with lots of elements we like. it had subtle and obvious humor, there were life drama and poignant moments, and at its core, it was a love story.

ANYWAYS. the story features Steve Carell as a widower doing his best raising three girls on his own.


When the movie finished, Troy and I did our usual recap discussion, which, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'd know those discussions usually end up going down a variety of tangent paths.

Not quite sure how we got on THIS topic, but we started talking about lawsuits, parenting, and today's society. We discussed that case in Canada where the 12 year old girl took her father to court because she didn't like him punishing her. go ahead.. read the article. I'll wait.


uhhh.. can I get a WTF??? Telling your parent that you are NOT happy with them (rhena), you'll hate them forever (me), or that they're a "murderer of love" (the movie) is one thing... but TAKING THEM TO COURT? because you as a child do not agree with your parent? who was disciplining you for doing something WRONG? And lest we forget these are CHILDREN... children whose feelings change every other nano second.

I know I have personally witnessed a child or two talking back to their parent in such a manner that made ME understand why some people choose to spank their kids. I think my all-time jaw dropper has been "What are you going to do? I'm not afraid of you!" (never MIND that the sentiment is driven from a FEAR-based relationship... I completely feel that is one of the reasons why these kids have no respect for their parental figures. the parentals are not CREATING relationships based on love and respect. they're creating environments of fear and obeying.)

And there's the rub... we as adults and parent are not exactly setting the best examples, are we? Like the case in Sweden where parents are suing a child and his family for not inviting their child to a birthday party. I understand the school refusing to hand out the invitations. I don't AGREE with it, as I grew up in a world where kids didn't get the same number of valentines and flowers and invites in class. But I can buy into the principle that popularity games are a distraction from scholastic business, so keep it out of the classroom. the parents could have EASILY requested mailing addresses and sent the invitations properly. But the business of the parents getting their panties in a bunch saying their sons rights were TRAMPLED cause he didn't get an invitation to a party? (a party for a kid that was not invited to his OWN party?) blugh. seriously.


anyways.. those were only two of the things we were talking about last night. I'm not saying I would prefer to hear that my kids are going to hate me forever... but I'm ALSO not going to bend over backwards every time my child doesn't agree with something or has to face some disappointment in life.

I mean, SURE, I would love to think that my kids can go through life with no disappointments, but without those moments of lows, how can one truly appreciate and see the good when it around them the rest of the times?

MIX TAPE 7-11 edition

*******************************

first off.. I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment and or e-mail about Danny. all of your kind words, thoughts, and support mean very much to us. His appointment will be next wednesday, so I will update then. but once again.. THANK YOU!

*******************************

ok.. back to the topic at hand! it's time for another MIX TAPE!!!!


this week delivered some unexpected blows for us at the Fever, and next week is going to need a certain amount of strength to get through. SO... this weekend.. I'm looking for some STRONG SONGS.


That's right. dig deep and give me your best song that fills you with STRENGTH.

is it a tune that taps inner strength that mentally gets you through each day or the one song in your workout mix that gets you up that last hill on your run?


we all can use a little extra push now and then, so help a blogger and her readers out and offer up a tune in my comments section.

only one song and one song only for each commenter, please... so make it a good one. if you list more than one song, only the first song will make the cut.

I'll take comments through the weekend, and post the list, links, and credits come Monday.

bring it on, gang!

____________

edited to add: if you happen to HAVE the MP3, and you want to send it my way so I CAN upload it to the Muxtape for all to hear... please do! accepting MP3s at czernikowski@hotmail.com

The Nose Knows

so.


yesterday Moosey had his (belated) 18-month well check. I wasn't too concerned about him going in. CURIOUS, if anything, how big he's gotten, but overall just another appointment in my book. ok, well.. if I'm being REALLY honest.. I DID have some questions for my pediatrician about his penis and his nose.


I've said from the beginning that I'm no expert on little boys' parts.. but in the past few weeks of babysitting, I've lended a hand with potty training and diaper changes for some little boys. Let's just say that getting a look at other junk made me concerned about Danny's Donut Shop. DONUT SHOP, you say? well.. yes. In the past, we were told that his lack of 'protrudement" was a result of an oversized 'fat-pad'. (uh... he didn't get the nickname Moosey for nothing, ya know?)

Now, I will admit that in the past year he's upgraded from a doughnut-shape to a mini-muffin.... so I KNOW he's thinning out a little... but still. poor kid! He definitely is not looking like the eclairs I've seen on some of the other local boys. So.. I just wanted our Doc to check his junk to make sure he's ok down there.

As for his nose... again.. nothing MAJOR, but the Moo-Moo has been producing these dark brown (almost dried-blood color) boogies in his right nostril. I've noticed it within the past few months (maybe 2?) and chalked it up to him bonking his face on something. I mean.. the way Rhena has bloody noses, a little brown boogie every other day is NOTHING in our book. but still. I figured I'd ask about it.

In terms of his 'stats'.. Doo-Doo did just great. just under 34 inches, so he IS starting to lengthen out. (between 75-90th percentile on the charts) WEIGHT clocked in at 28 pounds (a mere 3 pounds lighter than his sister, who is 2 years older and 8 inches taller!) I was surprised that his weight was only at the 75th percentile. he just seems so damn HEAVY! His noggin was right in the middle on the charts. so yeah.. all is good.


The Doc checked his goods, and she quelled my concerns saying it's still a fat-pad issue. This made me wonder about how fat men have sex.. but that's SUCH an aside right now that I won't go there.

As for the nose... well... this is where things kinda came to a screeching halt. I SHOULD have suspected something was up because she was looking up his nose for a LONG time. I figured it was because danny did NOT like this type of probing and was kicking and screaming like a mule. BUT.. I did have him restrained, and my Doc is GOOD, (like catch-a-fly-with-chopsticks-and-take-a-temp-of-a-passing-train-in-the-dark-GOOD) so her extra time up his nose was a result of concern.

Daniel has a growth in his nostril. This growth, or Polyp, can be caused by a variety of things.

Multiple polyps can occur in children with chronic sinusitis, allergic rhinitis,
cystic fibrosis (CF), or allergic fungal sinusitis (AFS). An individual polyp
could be an antral-choanal polyp, a benign massive polyp, or any of a number of
benign or malignant tumors (eg, encephaloceles, gliomas, hemangiomas,
papillomas, juvenile nasopharyngeal angiofibromas, rhabdomyosarcoma, lymphoma, neuroblastoma, sarcoma, chordoma, nasopharyngeal carcinoma, inverting papilloma). Evaluate all children with benign multiple nasal polyposis for CF and asthma.

hang on a second. BLEURGH! ok. sorry. just had to go throw up again.

so. yeah.


The go forward plan is to not stress. ( I've failed that plan already.) BUT. We KNOW danny doesn't have cystic fibrosis. so that's good. and there IS a possibility that my son just has a very odd-shaped membrane that you know... looks like a tumor. (stress stress stress)

I mean, we've never had anyone do a detailed exam of his nostril before. so is this a growth? is this normal for Danny? True, the new symptom of blood-tinged boogies is prompting concern, but lack of other symptoms (heavy bleeding, trouble breathing, other allergic reactions) are keeping danny out of the HIGH CONCERN category, and placing him in the 'raised awareness/watch' category.

So yesterday when this was told to me, with Danny kicking and screaming and my thoughts EVERYWHERE except in a calm and rational place... The Doc said we could wait it out and check again come his 2 yr appointment (or soon should any new symptoms occur) or we could seek advice from an ENT specialist. I believe my auto-pilot said we would just watch it. (at least that's what I saw my body saying when I was mentally running around in circles in the air puking and crying and screaming at the body to keep my shit together and pay attention)


As of this morning, I've put a call into my doc's office to request a specialist referral and one more review of my Doc's prognosis. I think just the blunt shock of what she was saying really prevented me from HEARING all she said and understanding what we're up against and how concerned I should REALLY be. cause this is my child. and I'm ALWAYS going to have more concern than what is probably necessary.

anyways.. that's where we're at. more to come as I know it. until then, my sanity shall continue to leave me about as fast as the tears have been.


__________

edited to add: Danny's appointment with the specialist is set for Wednesday morning, July 16th. The constant-need-to-puke feeling has been downgraded to a slightly unsettled ill feeling. Glad to have him scheduled, and I'm off the ledge in many ways.... just think good thoughts, ok?

House of (not) Representing

so this is just a quickie.. or actually, I suppose it's the OPPOSITE of anything associated to a quickie...


so you KNOW you're married for a long time when you walk from the bathroom, across the room, across the tv and to your bed bare chested, and your husband doesn't look up from the tv..


you know you're married to a republican when you realize the reason your husband didn't look up is because he's watching the O'Reilly Factor.



sigh.

three kisses

every day, I kiss rhena and danny about 50 times. maybe more, but you get the idea. I give them a LOT.


I can't imagine going a day without my lovin's from my babies. They truly are a part of not only my daily routine, but my daily existence.

However.. like everything, they shall grow up and more than likely (God willingly.... PLEASE) move out and move on. I also know that some day *I* won't be around anymore (God willingly.. PLEASE) when I'm very (very VERY?) old and die.


So today, while I can... meaning while they'll allow it and while I'm alive to do so... I give them at least three kisses. One for a day that they weren't in MY life, one for the day that they ARE, and one for a day that I won't be in theirs.

I know it's a bit twisted and slightly morbid... but it works for me. of course, at the rate I give these kids kisses, they SHOULD be set with a kiss a day 'in the bank' til they are about 130 years old. I figure what with technology the way it is, it doesn't hurt to play it safe and have a few extra.


---------------

on a side (but not lesser) note; today is my mom's birthday. Happy birthday to a woman, a mom, and a friend that has given ME enough love and kisses to last me until I'm 130..... and beyond. I love you.

The "Back-At-Ya" Mix

As Promised... here is the list of songs I have put together for YOU, my friends.

again.. having issues with the muxtape... but that will be my homework this week.


The purpose or the idea behind THIS mix list is that I said I would dedicate a song back to each of my contributors. The dedicated song would be one that in some parts reminds me of that person; regardless of what they said was their favorite .


For those of you who like to just get to the point, I will list the songs (and applicable links) first... then go on to explain why I chose each song. so. without further ado... here it is.



Cze-Johnson Fever's Back-At-Ya Mix:



I'm a Woman by Peggy Lee (dedicated to Erin Cooks)

Kiss Me Deadly by Lita Ford (dedicated to Christi)

Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show (dedicated to Annie)

Beautiful Stranger by Madonna (dedicated to Carrie)

I Couldn't Sleep at All by Joey Ramone (dedicated to Jaime)

Join in the Chant by Nitzer Ebb (dedicated to Topher)

New York by MCL (dedicated to Steve)

Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash (dedicated to Angela)

Jersey Girl by Bruce Springsteen (dedicated to Stacey)

Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin (dedicated to Jodes)

Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper (dedicated to Tara)

Proud to Be an American by Lee Greenwood (dedicated to Marianna)

Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks (dedicated to Jenni)

For Good from Wicked (dedicated to Suser)

Sleep Through the Static by Jack Johnson (dedicated to Christie)





ok. hope y'all enjoyed those. now..... if you're curious as to WHY I picked each song....


Erin - Not only does she bring home bacon and cook it up in the pan, but she takes awesome pictures of it and blogs for the world to see. And her blog has something so very classic and classy about it; while I know the song itself has be performed by many women, I think the nod to Peggy Lee and her ability to stand the test of time represents how timeless Erin is.


Christi - Christi is one of those multi-faceted women; (aren't we all?) but no matter how up on current music she may be, I see her soul as a classic rocker-gal. She's tough and can hang, and probably COULD kick Lita Ford's ass.

Annie--- *sigh* I love Annie. She's young, she's edgy, and just SO COOL. when I see her I remember me from 100 years ago. When I hung with the skater kids and listened to groups like TMBG and Dead Milkmen. Of course, NOW I STILL listen to TMBG... on the disney Channel, though. Time Warp is for Annie.


Carrie - Carrie is new around these parts.. at least to ME, anyway. hence, the stranger reference. BUT... after reading some of her entries, I really dig her. She's got her shit together (LOVE her deep thoughts on how proper bargaining chips for her son) similarly, when madonna was releasing music during "beautiful stranger' days.. i thought she kicked ass. she was long, strong, and was ready to take on anything.


Jaime - Jaime is also kinda new to me, so it's tough picking a song. after going to HER blog, I see she's been having sleep issues with her daughter. I was GOING to pick "up all night" by slaughter, but slaughter is totally trashy. not that Joey Ramone ISN'T, but at least in this song, there's no cursing. I think Jaime's a good girl, so no cursing should be associated with her.


Topher and Steve - while they each have their own song, these guys come from close to the same place in my heart. it's called Daytona Beach, and it involves a cage, thursday nights, and a club called the Coliseum. ok, it also involves a closet, a radio station and so much MORE..... but I think I've said enough for them to know where I'm at. love you guys!

Stacey - my partner in crime is a fellow jersey girl, and a total beach girl. of course, she's also from SOUTH jersey, so I couldn't think of anyone better than Bruce. I'm totally gonna miss you, momma.

Jodes - no... I'm not hitting for the other team. BUT.. Jodes' is a friendship so true and deep that she DOES touch and lift the heart. I could say the 'natural' is also a jab at her crunchy organic side, but honestly, the song is just a testament of how good of a person she is, and what a positive impact she has on others.


Tara - sorry, but you started it with the reference to MJ. that, and you DO use the word SIKED a lot. not to mention you TOTALLY busted me on the SJP pre-nose-job picture... so... "girls just want to have fun" it is.


Marianna -- YES.. you are ALSO proud to be a Greek girl, but your patriotism and dedication to respecting the military and ALL those who serve in the armed services past and present is of the highest level I've seen in many people, both online and in 'real life'.

Jenni- ok, so Goodbye Earl was one of your subsequent choices... but I have to admit it suits you. so Dixie Chicks it is!

Suser - Funny thing about this song is that Suser said that this song reminded HER of ME a while back. I was in a bit of an angry state at the time, and was only focusing on certain things, then along came Sus with this suggestions, and my eyes and ears were opened in a new way. The song STILL brings tears to my eyes, but for many many good reasons. Susie is indeed someone who has changed me for good.

Christie - I had never even HEARD of Jack Johnson before a few months ago, but I have been smitten with his music ever since. He's got a laid-back, folksy sound about him, but yet he makes strong statements through his music. Christie comes across as very laid back, but she's very politically minded. I like that about her. and yet, unlike a LOT of political blogs out there, she presents her ideas and ideals in a respectful, factual and non-threatening way. Even if she doesn't agree with something, she has a way of doing so without ever getting nasty. like Jack Johnson, I feel that Christie makes me think.

anyways... there you have it. whew! that was pretty exhausting, and I have to say I'm glad more people didn't participate.

but next week... game on! I've got a few 'themes' in mind, so this could be fun to help pass the summer. tune in thursday night/friday morning to see what the next 'tape' topic will be!

in teh meantime.. keep rockin' it.

The Just-One-Song Mix

ok.. CLEARLY we have an issue on my blog of following directions. HAH!


For those of you who participated in my requests for songs.. THANKS! I'm sure it was difficult to come up with just ONE song for many of you. ok, I KNOW it was, cause SOME of you listed more than one.

First off.. let me say this.. GREAT songs!!! MANY of them brought smiles to my face... so I think the world shall now benefit from the idea of this collaboration of tastes and music genres.

I also want to thank Erin for the link to Muxtape. I had every intention of creating today's mix-tape and making it available for all of you to listen to... alas... copyright protection is putting the screws to me. I was only able to upload files in MP3 formats, and while I COULD use my zune pass to listen to each song suggested... I was unable to convert them to MP3s for sharing with you. hmmm. so I'm unfortunately still trying to figure that out.

The GOOD news is that I've decided to make the mix a weekly habit. but more about that in a little bit.


As for today's mix.... see below! Links to videos and or lyrics are given when possible. If you do not see the other 1 or two (or more!) songs you suggested... tsk tsk!! I said ONE SONG! In cases where more than one song was suggested, I took the FIRST song listed. Think of me as the Richard Dawson of musical requests. I HAVE to take the first answer given... but try to take some comfort that subliminally you probably wanted that song the most cause it was the first you chose to write.

Cze-Johnson Fever's "just-one-song" Mix:

Glory Box by Portishead (submitted by Erin Cooks)
Yummy by Gwen Stefani (submitted by Christi)
Basket Case by Greenday (submitted by Annie)
No Woman No Cry by Bob Marley (submitted by Carrie)
The Joker by Steve Miller Band (submitted by Jaime)
The Fall by Ministry (submitted by Topher)
Temptation by New Order (submitted by Steve)
Feel This by Bethany Joy Galeotti and Enation (submitted by Angela)
Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin (submitted by Stacey)
Gracie by Ben Folds (submitted by Jodes)
Thriller by Michael Jackson (submitted by Tara)
It's 5 o'clock somewhere! by Alan Jackson (submitted by Marianna)
Go Rest High on That Mountain by Vince Gill (submitted by Jenni)
I'm Shipping Up to Boston by Dropkick Murphys (submitted by Suser)
Chan Chan by Buena Vista Social Club (submitted by Christie)



ok.l AS you can see.. for each song, the first link is the video, and the second link is the lyrics.


I have about HALF of the songs I would dedicate back to y'all figured out, but I have shirked my parenting duties too long this morning already. so the "Back at ya" mix will be posted later today.


As previously mentioned, I am going to make this a weekly feature. so if you missed the opportunity to get in on this, or I brazenly cut your other favorite songs cause you didn't listen.. cough cough.. I mean, because you put more than one song... then fear not; you'll have a chance to suggest other fabulous songs to the small world of the Fever Readers again VERY SOON.


Here's how it'll work. Every Thursday Evening, I will post a new topic for a mix tape. You will have all day friday and the weekend to put your suggestions in. On monday, I will post the collaborated list, as well as any possible links to videos, lyrics, or downloads for your musical enjoyment throughout the week.


I will continue to work on the MuxTape concept. I'd REALLY like to get that shakin', cause face it.. randomly requested streaming audio is awesome.


alright. happy monday, gang... may the music get you and keep you going this week.

Long live the Mix-Tape

I firmly believe that anyone born AFTER 1965 and BEFORE 1990 knows the power of the mix-tape.


sure, it's a mark of my age, but in MY world.. when you like someone... you make them a tape.

of course, now in our digital age of mp3 players... kids today probably don't even KNOW what a cassette tape is. Or have no respect for John Cusak and the movie High Fidelity. or have NO idea how funny "what's a happenin hot stuff?" is when spoken by a certain Long (Duck) Dong. but again.. I date myself.

So.. yes. nowadays.. not so much on the mix-tape. However... it appears that the SPAWN of the mix-tape... the highly transferrable, won't melt-in-the-summer or get jammed in your player PLAYLIST is the key to my dedicating happiness.

yes... the playlist is now the fancy of all portable players. and I like it. in fact, just the other day, Hannikins suggested a kick-ass work-out mix. THEN.. like the magical woman she is.. a day or two AFTER she shared, she ftp'ed me just about the whole list. mama say, mama sah, mama's a rock star!


so now... on the eve of a nice long weekend.. I turn to YOU, my readers. I'm sure you've all been asked this question in varying forms before, so you should at least have an idea of what your answer would be....


WHAT is your all-time favorite song? I mean.. if you KNEW you were never going to hear music again, and you could only listen to ONE MORE SONG... what song would you choose?

please share! for anyone reading that does NOT share their favorite song... please know right now, I will find out where you live, and reprogram your home so every noise-making machine will play songs from Glitter, and ONLY Glitter.

(That's RIGHT, Erin.. I know you like MiMi... but even YOU know Glitter sucked. )


Anyways.. DO leave a comment. tell me your tune! I'll share the list (and downloadable files when possible) on monday!

Also, as an added bonus, *I* will dedicate a song to each of my commenters. It shall be a song that makes ME think of YOU, no matter WHAT your ass says is your favorite.

so DO play along.. it'll be fun, yes?

have a great weekend, everyone. let freedom ring, and all that shit.

Grrr.

so I was just typing up a post about how doing a favor sometimes comes to bite you on the ass, but about 1/2 way through, I starting boring MYSELF.


now, the kids are up from their naps, so blogging will have to wait.


I do have another post to write tonight, so check back later.

and by later, I think I mean tomorrow, cause by the time kids actually get settled around here and whatever regularly scheduled thunderstorm finally passes, it gets kinda late.


but whatever. I WILL write something of content soon!

in the meantime... JUST in time for the balls-ass-hot summer everyone seems to be having...

one of my favorite foodie bloggers is hosting another contest for a free cookbook.... filled with.. POPSICLE RECIPES!

all it takes is one comment and patience til she does the random drawing next week....

so go check it out. and even if you're a scroogey-mc-no-fun and don't like to win free cookbooks or GASP! don't like a good ice pop.... go enter and give that junk to ME if you win! (yes, that means YOU, mom and Dad!)

so yeah. go. leave a comment. you'll thank me come august.

New is Old and Old is New

I know.. me and my repeating title posts are getting annoying. what can I say... it's just a mark of life these days. lots of going in circles and repeating myself!



so.... as you can see.. I've changed the layout and did up the blog summer-style. Suser joked that I was channelling my inner Rhena, but the truth is, it's getting to be that time of year when I think about how I need to get my ass in gear (literally) and start prepping for the walk.


I actually started my training a LOT earlier this year, but lo and behold.. the toe and the shower door put a kibosh to that and I really haven't been to the gym since april some time. yikes! Today, I went, and it was as if I hadn't been in 3 years. but hey.. if sweating like a pig is the new HOT, then I was SMOKIN', baby! but man.. 12+ hours later... I feel OLD. but I went, knocked off 2 miles in just under a half hour ( please... don't kill my thunder; I know I'm a slow ass cow.... but seriously! 2 miles! out of the gate! for ME?? that's an accomplishment.)


Anyways, thanks to the loverly Hannikins, I've got some great suggestions for some hard-core music. gotta get those on my zune, and get to gettin'. I STILL don't know how I'm going to block off 8 hours so I can do a full-scale simulation of 26 miles... much less 2 back-to-back days of training walks so I don't repeat my failure last year... but I suppose getting past 2 miles without my foot throbbing will be a good place to start.


what else.... feels like the same shit... but I know it isn't. I'm dealing with Danny a lot lately. he's been... how shall I say this to avoid making him sound bratty??? hmm.. well.. he's been a brat lately. tantrums. kicking. yes... KICKING.

me.


yeah... during some tantrums, this child is getting SO keyed up that it is nothing but some animalistic WAILS with lots of kicking and thrashing involved.


I KNOW that it's because he's at that age when he wants to do things, is learning and excited that he knows he wants to do things, but gets extremely pissed off at his own inability to do said things or communicate his desire to do said things... but GOOD LORD it is hard.

It's HARD to be the adult. it's HARD to remain calm and not raise my voice. It's HARD to take a kick or two to the collarbone and keep poised as I firmly repeat that we do NOT hit or kick in our family. I have a feeling that what danny is doing to me now is the physical equivalent to the emotional punches I will surely be blown during the defiant teenage years.

but we're pressing on. The good news is that eventually Danny DOES realize that I'm not fucking around and I will not give in to him carrying around a basketball net, climbing on a table, playing near the oven or stove or utensils drawer or WHATEVER unsafe action I am stopping him from doing. or you know.. that he will leave the house or store or yard or wherever when we do. THOSE times are the toughest, cause I'd be a liar if I didn't say I've had ally-mc-beal moments of picturing me leaving him wherever he's thrashing and kicking to stay.


I TRY to remember that Rhena went through this too.. right around this age... and that it WILL pass if we push through. but again. this shit is old. I mean, it's NEW for danny, but WAAAAAY old on my time. NEXT!


hmmm.. I guess I really don't HAVE a next, as it were. Truth is, I'm pretty beat. after being on people-hiatus last week, we've hosted playdates at our house 2 days in a row, have had un-synchronized naps, and a shit-ton of thunderstorms that has rhena as edgy as a crack head.


but anyways.. I'm here, posts will be posted again, and I'm thinking pink. also thinking I have to upload pictures, but Troy is finally home, and it's TV time.


happy july, gang.