forgive or forget it

so I was talking to my girlfriend today for a little while. apparently she and her boyfriend broke up over the weekend. she thinks. she's really not sure.

right now she's feeling hurt about the things that were said, and a bit confused because despite hurtful things that were said, he's being very sweet on her today.

it's all rather confusing, actually. or not, if you know my friend.


anyways. does she forgive him? are they broken up? what do I think about this e-mail he sent?

oiy.

something about either a - my age, or b- having 2 kids has made me have so very little energy for game playing.

I mean.. I heard her out, listened to the stress.. but when it was my turn, I told her point blank how I felt.

I asked her if she loved the guy and if she wanted things to work. (she said yes.) I told her that in any relationship.. one of love or of platonic nature... sometimes shit happens. sometimes... a person has other shit going on in life that causes them to inadvertently hurt the person or people they are closest to. sometimes one person hurts the other on purpose. when on the receiving end of the hurt.. you basically have 2 choices. you can either forgive the person and move on, or you can deem the hurt so heinous that the relationship is not salvageable to its original form. Assuming the hurtER is sorry for the hurt. also assuming we're not talking about physical abuse. mamma don't go for abusive relationships.

anyways. neither option is necessarily EASY... but in my own personal experience... having been on both ends of the spectrum here... taking the middle road just doesn't work. When you SAY you forgive someone... then do it. accept their apology and go about fixing things so it doesn't happen again. If the hurt is THAT BAD, and you're not willing to forgive.. then don't! Say the hurt is too bad and you are unable to forgive at this time, if ever.

It's that temptation to SAY you forgive, but carry a grudge or the hurt that sets up an imaginary realm of conditional forgiveness which will ultimately be more toxic to the relationship than the original misgiving.


Maybe this seems so black and white to me because my 2nd graders have the sacrament of Reconciliation during the year I teach. we teach these children that when we confess our sins and profess our true sorrow for having done them, that our God forgives us. He doesn't forgive us of our sins but hold a secret barometer that must be filled before we can be in good Graces again. Doing that would be equal to the apology followed by a "but..". you know the type.. "I'm sorry, but I had to do it." or.. ".. sorry, but it wasn't as bad as what you did to me!" it's like.. what's the point?


And don't mistake my words for claims of not being guilty of the conditional apology or forgiveness. I'm no God, that's for sure.. it's fucking HARD to truly forgive someone. It's also very hard to fess up when you're in the wrong and take accountability for your actions. I've done both. not truly forgiven someone and not given a true apology, that is.

when you give a true apology, it hurts to not be forgiven. But.. to give a true apology, be TOLD that you are forgiven, but constantly be TESTED or QUESTIONED or pushed off.. well, that hurts even more. I mean, sure.. after a hurt when trust has been broken, it takes a while to re-build that trust and love. completely understandable. But it's highly unfair to expect someone to be true to their word when your word is forgiveness and it's not really there. AND.. if this testing phase lasts too long, well, one might be likely to take the hint and just give up.

so I hope my girlfriend figures out what she wants to do, and soon. I know she loves him. she's in uncharted territory now because she has never loved a man like she loves him. I know she's confused and hurt, and depending on exactly what was said, she might not be willing to make nice right now. and I get that. there's definitely been times that I would have rather had Troy strung up by his balls on a barbed wire fence than play house with him. and I've held my grudges with him. thankfully, none of them have been long enough to dishearten him. if that ever happened, I doubt I'd be able to forgive MYSELF.

SO Applicable, it hurts.

as I said in an earlier post, I've been listening to the soundtrack to Wicked lately. one, because my mom and I are going to see it when it comes to Charlotte. (we have opening night!! I can't wait!)

two.. cause I was pretty sick and tired of hearing the soundtrack for Joseph, and thought Rhena could use a different tune to sing all day. every day. day after day. oops, sorry... I thought I was Ben Stiller there for a minute.


anyways... sometimes when you're going through life, you come across a song that hits the spot. whether it's a love song, a break-up song, WHATEVER... just sometimes you get lucky and find a song that you just connect to given the circumstances of your life.

I'm REALLY getting the song "Defying Gravity" right now. like REALLY getting it. like brings-tears-to-my-eyes GETTING IT.

I'm really hoping I'll be over this emotional attachment before the show. I'd hate to be snotting all over myself in public like that.


in other news, I hit and passed my 10% goal. total weight loss since Jan 1st is 14 pounds. I'm going to see if I can lose another 2 pounds or so, then I will stop focusing on weight loss, and put more effort into getting in shape. I don't want to get my ass kicked by the walk again this year.

tonight is CCD, and Troy will not be able to watch the kids, so I'm in for an interesting evening, considering Danny has found a new penchant for screaming/crying like a madman when I'm not around. yeah. good times. I may just dedicate the whole class to praying for my sanity tonight.

Stick a Fork in Me!

seriously.


just dropped off another 50+ items for the consignment sale. hoping to make enough money to pay for the haircut I'm going to schedule myself for next saturday cause I haven't seen troy much and momma needs some time away from children.

Word to the Wise

When feeding your child... it's best to remember that what goes IN.....

must eventually come OUT.

sometimes it's even the same color.

ok. not going any further with that.

A Letter To My Body

There's a little exercise going on over at BlogHer. and despite screwing up the link back to this post to show that I participated.. well.. whatever. I did it. see below.

___________________________________






Dear Body -

Although you and I have never had an 'official' conversation before, it goes without saying that we have shared some exchanges over the years. It's no secret that you've overheard the things I've said about you, felt the icy glares and sighs of disgust when our eyes have met in the mirror, and I know that in my heart of hearts you've sensed the jealousy in my blood when I've looked at other women. Despite TOO many of the 35 years we've been acquainted being filled with animosity... I want to see if I can break the cycle. I really feel compelled to make amends for past misgivings and hopefully lay a groundwork that will allow for a better future together.

I've had a chip on your shoulder for a long long time. As a child, I didn't think your skin was colorful enough. I WILL give you credit for being so resilient at such a young age. not once did you blister when I dipped your fingers into melted waxes of different colors. Not once did you cop an attitude and stay the shade I applied to you with various not-as-magic-as-I-hoped-they-would-be-markers. Whatever I burned, broke, or tore... you healed, fused, and or re-grew. you kept. coming. back. seriously, your nickname should be Terminator.

As a teenager, I loathed you, but didn't say as much because angst was fashionable. Over the years I have chided to all that would hear that your misgivings allowed me to be the one with the magnetic personality. But let's not lie anymore, shall we? I wanted to be the pretty one. I wanted to be the tall one. The exotic looking one. SURE... you got me compliments that ranged from 'cute' to "really cute"... but let's face it. CUTE SUCKS. I already had an older brother who was smarter and did everything perfect.. screw being CUTE! OH, how I just for once wanted to be the 'hot' one. so yeah.. this whole short and cute thing? didn't really help your case.

You stepped up your game in my early twenties when you started releasing blood from places that shouldn't bleed. And this whole if-I-eat-seafood-I'm gonna-shit-and-puke-til-I-end-up-in-a-hospital-(again!!) thing you pulled??? touche, my comrade!! You really had me there for a few years when I was having to take 5 pills a day just to eat like a normal person. Looking back, though.. I think you could only agree with me when I say that your power play only made me dislike you that much more.

But ours is a relationship much more complex than that, isn't it? We had our moments, and even I can admit that not all of them were bad. For starters, I know we agree on music. THANK YOU for all those nights. I may have never been hot, but the music got us close to being sexy. So thanks.

And you know.... props to you for the whole child-bearing thing. I don't know WHY, I don't know HOW.. but for all the shit I put in, on, and through you... you gave ME the two greatest gifts I could have ever imagined. you humble me. Now, I'm not saying that you made it EASY by any way shape or form to RECEIVE such gifts... but wow. you really hooked me up. talk about a guilt trip.

So as I write you this letter today, I can honestly say that I don't hate you any more. I recognize all that you have done for me over the years, and I would officially like to apologize for the abuse. I really do appreciate you, Body. I am SO MUCH because of you, and there is no doubt that I value you. I DO want you around for a lot longer, and hope you'll stay with me.

But... (oh c'mon... you knew there'd be a but!!) I hope you'll understand when I tell you that I still don't like you. I WANT to like you.. I really do. I'm TRYING to like you. But you know. you see it in my eyes. and I wish I could just use something cliche like "it's not you, it's me" and be done with it and live happily ever after, but it IS you and you ARE me... so yeah. not so happily ever after.

But I am trying. and I will continue to try to find ways to like you, however small they may be. So please; stay resilient. ignore my defeatist comments and my eye rolls and pinches and grabs and suck ins and lift-ups. Stay with me, ok? cause as long as there's music, there's hope for us.

with appreciation,
me


PS... you know.. you could REALLY up your standings by letting me eat some seafood. just saying!!!

Difficult

So I noticed something interesting the other day.


I was writing out a birthday card for someone, and I noticed... hey... this writing thing is HARD.


I think I'm forgetting how to WRITE.


well.. not really, but seriously... I rarely write things out any more. I have never been (nor do I see myself being in the near future) a note-taker or list-maker. Paying bills? pretty much all online. Communication? e-mails, IMs, text messages and phone. I even do all my birthday invites for the kids on the computer. and christmas cards are all pre-printed and envelopes done on the computer, too.


this is definitely a symptom of the times.. but as I was addressing the card, I was thinking about how *I* like to receive mail. like REAL mail. an honest-to-goodness-I-took-the-time-to-show-you-I'm-thinking-of-you piece of mail. so as I put the stamp on the card to my friend, I hoped that she, too, would have a small joy on her birthday, knowing that effort was made to not only pick out a card for her, but to pause my day long enough to scribe a good wish.

and this is not to say that an e-mail, a genuine to-you-and-only-you email.. not a FWD!!! or FILL IN THE BLANKS!!! Again.. I'm not taking away from the time and effort it takes to compose a direct message through e-mail. I for sure find those more enjoyable than the mass forward or general addressing text messages.

oh, and to be clear.. I am not absolved of the forwards or general announcements. I do them, too.


but the hand-written note. I'm beginning to think it's a lost art. Ask anyone who gave my kids a Christmas gift and is still waiting for a thank you note. they'll tell you just how lost the art is on me. *sigh* but I digress.

So last night I started composing an e-mail to a dear friend of mine, and I stopped. I think I'm going to take pen to paper tonight and write out my hellos instead.

This little act might not change the world, and it certainly won't change MY daily habits. I'm still going to blog, still going to send e-mails, do my banking online, and the occasional text message will come from my old-school flip-phone. But it sure won't hurt if I spread a little sunshine before spring officially hits.

well, except my hand. given my penchant for gab and my lack of practice physically writing things out, I'm sure my hand will cramp up after half a page.... but that's another story.


_____________

today's inspiration? the soundtrack for Wicked. I finally got rhena to listen to a song from something OTHER than Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. (never mind that the song is from another broadway musical... I still consider it progress) Anyways... rhena finally changing up her music selection inspired me to think of things that I can still do (send notes to friends) but change it up a little. (write them by hand instead of e-mail) Hooray for little changes! Spring is on the way!

Some Great Reward

That was the title of an old Depeche Mode album. (please no comments on the fact that I use the term ALBUM. DO we call them albums anymore, or is it just cds? or tracks? I'm so not urbanly hip and modernly cool.)


anyways.. I was thinking about rewards today. if we're LUCKY, we find rewards in our every day lives... not just when we reach the point of exhaustion or perfection. (yes, exhaustion happens before perfection in my house. usually exhaustion BEGETS perfection, cause I get so damn tired of trying to make things better so I just end up decreeing something 'perfect'.)


In parenthood, however.. I notice that I tend to fall under the category of OVERLY rewarding. Danny made a poopy?? "YEAH! HIGH FIVE!! good job, Moo-Moo!!!!"

no.. he didn't go in the potty or anything. just pushed out some waste from his bowels into his diaper. and most likely got it all up in and around his walnut, too. But here I am, cheering like he completed a marathon.


Rhena has essentially been potty trained for 8-10 months now. yet.. when she poops or pees by herself.. there I am... throwing out my 'good jobs' and booty shaking in my own mini-party.

I must really like poop?


I've read articles that promote this kind of parenting.. talking about fostering a positive environment for the kids. making every day activities fun and challenging, making the children proud of their accomplishments, big and small.


of COURSE there's the plethora of articles that discuss the DANGERS!!! of cheering on your child. Creates a competitive child that is only eager to please you and authoritative figures. makes the child believe they must be rewarded for everything they do.


I can for sure see both sides of this coin... but yet I still favor the rewards side. maybe it's because *I* find rewards in all things I do.. big and small.. (yes.. I even get happy after *I* have a big poop... I've had the scale go down 8/10ths of a pound after a poop once. talk about rewarding when you're trying to lose weight!!)

but seriously. I do find rewards in every day situations. most are, naturally, some type of intrinsic reward. (not saying I wouldn't mind a bonus or a big ribbon every now and then)


Danny is clearly too young to understand the difference from intrinsic and tangible rewards. Rhena, I think, is now getting to an age that she understands that making someone happy or doing something nice can make her feel just as good as eating M&Ms. We still use a lot of props, though. stickers, glow sticks, a special dinner or dessert.. dollar store crap.. you get the idea.

I'd LIKE to think that this is helping to set the stage for her to have a thorough understanding of actions/choices and consequences... but I still wonder. are our parenting methods, when combined with our world's incessant need for gratification and collection of material objects (not to mention our group-think society where everyone must be a winner, even if it means they don't keep score in sports) well... is this setting rhena up to be selfish? or a doormat? or worse.. unhappy and incomplete in her quest for perfection.


_____________________

today's inspiration? still up for grabs! inspiration strikes at random times, so I'm keeping my eyes and ears open. feel free to provide me with something!

Divine Comedy

aaah. you know, with Rhena in my life, there never seems to be a shortage of things to talk about. or at the very least for me to share what SHE talks about.


so, I was helping miss boogey-pants get ready for school this morning. When I finished up with her hair, she stood up, spun around, and announced "Oh, I look DIVINE."



yeah. I'd definitely say she has a HIGH sense of self-love.


________________

today's inspiration? Margaret Brent, the first woman in the North American colonies to demand the right to vote. She and pioneers like her fought for women like me to have a voice. EVEN if it means bringing my children with me to the voting booth. hassle as it may be... there's never a wrong time to teach others (OR YOURSELF) that a voice matters.

It's begun

oh dear.



I knew this day was coming.



after breakfast today, rhena came around the corner wearing her jacket and shoes.

She informed me that she was going outside to wait for the bus. She reportedly was going on a trip. when asked to where, she replied that she was off to her "new home".


She must have sensed my semi-state of concern, because she assured me to not worry, cause she would be back in the morning when I woke up.

as luck would have it, I promised her that today I was going to make an appointment for her to see the dentist. I was able to trump her spontaneous bus trip by convincing her she needed to be here so I could call the dentist. apparently micro-managing my administrative duties is more appealing than waiting on the corner in her pyjamas.


sigh. I guess I just didn't think I'd be dealing with the runaway child this early in the game. or this early in the day, either. momma needs coffee to deal with this kind of shit, people.


oh well. happy monday, and here's hoping that everyone in your life stays put this week.


_____________

today's inspiration? my SCALE, believe it or not! I was only down point-8 pounds for my weigh-in this morning, but I'm only point THREE pounds away from my 10% goal-slash-competition with troy. I for sure feel energized enough to get through this last hump. I can do it!!!

Tagged

first of all, fear not. I won't be tagging anyone else. for one... most of you have already done this. Out of respect for the de-silencing of Hännikins, though.... I will play along.

5 Things You Never Knew About Me (And Probably Never Cared To)


1- I think adults eating organic food is silly. especially more so when I know that they have done/still do drugs or drink alcohol. kinda defeats the purpose, no? again. silliness.


2- I can burp like a man. pretty hot, huh? it's true, though. I've had this skill since I was a teenager. ask how much my mom LOVED that.


3- I ADORE* the taste of chocolate with salty things. pretzels, potato chips, french fries. yes. bacon. yes. salt it up, cover it in chocolate, and you have my attention. (* TOTALLY for you, Sus.)

4- I have DEEP fears of overly-naturistic places. the woods give me the heeby-jeebies, and I can not even begin to express the fear that overcomes me on country roads with no street lights, or worse... roads surrounded by cornfields. (note I speak of my experience of being on ROADS that go through these places. should I feel the need to shit my pants or have a slight heart-attack, then I will actually get out of my car and go IN to said cornfield, woods, or other 'natural' environment. til then, however.... I'll be in my car. driving the hell out of nature and back to a highway.

5 - ditto on the ocean. I fear the ocean. and lakes. don't like them, either. The very thought of fish (or other swimming creatures or water plants.. ACK!!!) touching my legs and/or me not being able to see the bottom of whatever body of water I am swimming in brings about a tightness in my chest that HAS to be similar to being tied up with rope and having a gun pointed at my face.

and added bonus!! (ok, cause I think 4 & 5 are very similar to each other, so I'm throwing in one more)

6 - I cry every time I hear "Amazing Grace" sung remotely well. seriously.. as long as it's SOMEWHAT in tune... I cry. without fail. I'm getting much better about keeping from erupting into a full-on cry... but my face gets all twisted, my eyes water and nose gets runny. again.. pretty hot, huh? I'm such a catch.


there. now be gone with you.


____________________

today's inspiration? my Ultra Dance 2008 cd. reminds me that I DON'T have to like 80s music now that I'm a mom. and listening to the beats gets me excited about training for the walk this year. shake it!


.

Inspiration Nation

lately I've been finding inspiration from pretty much everywhere I turn.

which is good and bad, you see.


GOOD... cause seriously... I like knowing that my life is full of situations and people that I want to emulate. I have most recently been inspired to read new books, cook new foods, travel to new places, listen to different music, redecorate the house (mind you I'm saying inspired to do so.. not necessarily at the point of DOING so for all of these things).


this is BAD, however, cause for one.. how in hell am I going to find the time to DO all of these wonderful things to enrich my life? and two.. it makes me question WHY I'm so eager to try the changes.

maybe it's a throwback to my engineering days. six sigma. Kaizen. lean manufacturing. process improvement. cause I certainly don't think I have many things that are BROKEN.... just looking for a better way of doing things, maybe?


and March is Women's History Month. during a time that we should be recognizing and celebrating the achievements of women past and present... I feel like I should be working on some achievements of my own. don't know what those should exactly BE yet... but the good news is that there's no shortage of examples around me.


____________

today's inspiration? Skirt! Magazine. it reminds me that no matter how we spend our days or 'earn our keep', we're all women who should be celebrated.

Sell-out!!

alright. it's done. well, at least as done as I can be for now.


I got MOST of my consignment things hung, inventoried, tagged and dropped off. I had a total of 99 sellable items, but many of the 'items' were actually outfits that required liberal use of safety pins.

in other words.. my finger pads.. they be a hurtin'.

but... the good news is that despite my VERY LOW pricing, I think my gross total is somewhere close to $570. if all of that sells (oh please oh please!!) my 70% cut would be just under $400. not bad.


(not great considering the physical labor required to prep these things... talk about poverty-level wages!)


but nonetheless. we'll see how it goes. I still have a bunch more things I could prep and try to sell.. but right now.. I'm not feeling it. The sale is 2 weeks long and they have a 're-stock' day next sunday.. so maybe. maybe not. again.. we'll see.


also in money news... I applied to be a blogHer ad sponsor. I know. SELL-OUT!!! BUT.. on the upside.. it's not like I've been doing anything creative with my templates lately, and supposedly if people click on the ads through my blog, I could make like a half a penny or something. I dunno. it's still in the works, anyways. I guess I have to be 'approved' first.

hah. the very idea makes me laugh a little. oh well. provided they don't have a problem with cursing... sorry, I mean provided they don't have a fucking problem with some damned cursing... I might just get approved.

again.. we'll see.


in other news.. I'm going to attempt to make some fish for troy tonight. I figured if I can swing making a chocolate mousse cake from scratch without taste-testing it, I should be able to cook some fish, right? sad.. I don't even have an idea what kind of fish it is. oh well. I'll be making MYSELF some butternut squash raviolis.. he's more than welcome to have some of mine if the fish tastes like ass. at least I can say I tried.

speaking of tried... boy-child is apparently not going to nap this afternoon. so before HE wakes up the SHE... I'm going to get him and play.


happy friday. have a good weekend!

Let me Re-Phrase that

ok. so perhaps I could have chosen better wording, but man oh man my throat hurts.


like burning pain hurt.


like I FEEL germs growing back there hurt.


BUT... considering that on any given day someone from eastern europe finds my blog by searches for 'asshole fever'... I suppose having one whole post with nothing but words like throat, prostitute and crotch is NOT going to bring about the most wholesome crowd.



so yeah. don't mind me, and DEFINITELY don't think you're gonna find anything akin to something you would have to pay for here. well.. unless they have a 1-900-BITCHNG line out there I don't know about. I could be famous. rich, even.


alrighty. happy thursday. I'm off to make more tea.

Ouch.

My throat feels like a prostitute's crotch.

This joint is jumpin'

whew! hump day already!!!


busy day planned with errands and playdates. oh, and consignment stuff. gotta finish everything up so I can drop it off tomorrow while rhena's at school.


of course.. we need to have a block of time set aside for some jumping.


Danny's newest most favorite thing in the world to do is jump.


ok, so maaayyybe 'jump' is a generous term, as the moose's feet don't actually leave the ground. but don't tell him that. he thinks he's jumping.


of COURSE this has created a new passion for all things leaping with Boogie. she CLAIMS she's helping to teach danny how to jump, but I think she's looking to put me out of commission. if she's not lining things up on the ground to jump OVER... then she's typically climbing to new heights to perform her very own Jimmy "the Superfly" Snuka off the couch or bed or chair or... you get the idea.

seriously people.. my worry-wart heart can't handle this shit.


Ask my brother's RIBS what happened when *I* used to Snuka on HIS ass when we were kids.


I mean... Danny's solid... but Rhena... she's BONEY!!! and bones BREAK.


so to be a little pro-active with the what can only be a ticking time bomb... I mean.. Rhena's jumping..... I'm trying to set aside a part of our day when we get our jump on.


any good suggestions for jumping songs? clearly we have used Van Halen and House of Pain. I THINK I have some old club music kicking around with lyrics claiming to "jump jump.. a little higher.. jump jump.. til you get tired" (NO idea what song that is, btw??) ****


but yeah. suggestions for a jump track are welcome. ESPECIALLY if it's not on the Lion King or Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat soundtracks.



_____________

edited to add: **** JUNGLE BROTHERS! of course!!! song is "I'll House You". This was a staple song throughout many of my teen years, so it's no wonder the lyrics were creaking around in my noggin. aaaaah.. good times!

doctor feelgood

ok, ok.. for all my bitching the past few days... troy FINALLY went to see a doctor. Turns out he had a severe upper respiratory infection, and was chronically dehydrated. They hooked him up to an IV, and a few bags later, he was doing a lot better.

in all seriousness.. I'm happy he's feeling better. I mean... even past my own sanity, I hate when anyone I love is out for the count like that. But like I said... he's coming back around again.


speaking of coming around... I'm starting to feel the payoffs from the investments I've been doing the past year. I think I've touched on it here, and even if not, most of you know me well enough to know that since Danny's birth, I've been going through a restructure of some sorts.


It's as simple as that, too. When Danny came along, I instantly had a new top priority on my plate, and adding a big ole moose to an already full plate made me realize that some shit had to go.

and it's been that way ever since. I feel like I'm CONSTANTLY re-evaluating my life, my actions, and the whole effort-out-reward-in scale. In particular and most recently, I've been using this Lenten period to understand that you really do reap what you sow. in short... if I want good stuff coming back to me in life, I gotta put good stuff out there.


and maybe it's the onset of spring, or troy's shroud of sickness lifting, or just getting into the groove of Lent...but I'm feeling good about the world of Cze lately. Had a great dinner with some good friends this weekend, I'm hearing about a new crop of babies in the making, I've made a lot of progress in prepping things for the consignment sale... I even have a few good books coming my way that I ordered from online.


cut the dead weight. That's what one of our priests was saying about Lent. it's a time to rid your life of the dead weight that keeps you from being happy. and not happy in a materialistic way.. just HAPPY. content. Blessed. a better you.

and whether that 'dead weight' is bad habits, excessive indulgences, emotional hang-ups or just associating with negative people.. (cause everyone has their own thing that holds them back from being a better someone) well.. I sure as hell know it's not my place to tell anyone else what they need to do, or even if it's something they SHOULD do... but I'm glad for this time of year to work on myself. I mean.. I'm not 'there' yet... and I'd be foolhardy to believe I will ever FULLY be 'there'. but the IDEA of 'being there' ... that happy, balanced mom, wife, friend, daughter, woman Carrie.... well, that's a good goal for me to have.


and I don't think that not eating meat, sweets or alcohol for 40 days will be the magic combination that will make me wake up on Easter and feel like a different Carrie. I WILL say, however, with temptations ALL around me, it IS a daily reminder to me during this process of Lent that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I have the choice to stay the course or not. simple idea... BIG transference.

in sickness and in health

ok. that was part of our vows, but SERIOUSLY... I think I want an ammendment.


I have said MANY times before how much I love troy, but MAN he's a pain in the ASS when he's sick!!!


so last week, it started with the puking. we assumed it was because of the greasy burgers... but alas, the next day he was feverish and claimed that a truck must have hit him when he wasnt looking. He manned up and went to work, though. (ANYTHING to avoid going to a doctor)


long story short, he came home early from work and I played good ole Flo for him. I kept up the 'poor baby' routine until that evening, and as I was about to go downstairs to sleep on the couch (anythign to avoid MYSELF getting sick) I told him that if he still was sick the next morning he was going to go to a doctor.

he woke up the next day feeling 'better', so he went to work. Not sure how he was at work throughout the following days, but whenever he was home... he was miserable, whiney and did I say miserable?

this behavior escalated to another bed-ridden day for him on Sunday. mind you, the very same day that *I* woke up feeling like a truck hit me, and did I mention that I puked twice sunday morning? but apparently that did not mattter, because according to "doctor Troy", I looked fine to him.


ever have a day when you feel like absolute shit, your children won't leave you alone, and the only POSSIBLE person in a 200 mile radius that could comfort you is too busy trumping your sick ass by being passed out himself and completely useless??? I suppose it could have been worse, but still.

today I feel better. I medicated myself with everything in our cabinet ending with "quil" and was in bed and asleep by 9pm. my body aches have been downgraded to being hit by a bike messenger, no more pukes, no more fever to speak of, and I just have a sore throat and some sinus pressure. not great... but better than yesterday. and Troy is at work, so that's one less child to take care of.


anyways.. enough of my bitching. but I'm serious about the vow ammendment. there is some SERIOUS lack of balance in that section.

Jealous

so yesterday morning, I was taking a shower.

this is my time of day to let the hot water calm and soothe, as well as mentally plan my upcoming day.


for the most part, the kids have been agreeable for me to indulge in this hot-water therapy every day. I mean.. they're still running around like banshees... but they're kind enough not to get hurt and to stay within my proximity during the process.


so that morning... just as I was soaping up and looking at my body.. I caught a flash of a very naked rhena streaking through the bathroom.

sigh.


for once, I did not stress about my child's tendancy to strip her clothes and run 'free' as a regular part of playtime. I actually got a little jealous.


it's not that *I* want to run around with my girly bits exposed... but there was something about rhena's unabashed comfortability that made me wistful. When did I start to hate my body? and more importantly.. how can I keep that from happening to rhena?


I'd LIKE to think we're doing a good job.. cause this child LOVES herself. just ask her, and she'll volunteer how she IS the prettiest dancer and that God made her 'just perfect', and that she's LUCKY to have 'crazy hair' and so on and so on. So it would APPEAR that she has a good body image. So how come I can teach her to be that way, and not take a dose of my own medicine?


I seem to first remember hating myself in high school. It was somewhere in the vicinity of 12th grade. which is odd enough, because ALL through high school it was common knowledge that certain girls had eating disorders and/or took laxatives so they would be thinner. But despite knowing what OTHER girls put themselves through.. I was always fine with myself. I was ME. and I was fine with that.

But just when all was going fine.. settled into senior year, I was class vice president, captain of this and that team... college planned out.... something happened. In true high school fashion ONE girl got a bug up her ass about SOMETHING, and all hell broke loose. I became the target of one girl's hormonal fury, and next thing I knew, my whole world was up-side-down. girls that I had known since GRADE SCHOOL gave me icy stares and muttered "fat" under their breath as I would walk down my row to my seat. one girl, in particular, who was quite homely and had me by at least a good 20 pounds, snarled at me and gave me the treatment. That, I think, was the deepest cut. For all the times I included HER at the risk of being seen as 'uncool'... SHE was turning on me.


needless to say, I shut down. To this day, with the exception of maybe one or two friends... I still harbor an indifference for the people I went to high school with. That period in high school taught me the true value of friendship, and that people in high school were only in my life because of the coincidence of where they lived. By graduation, all the 'surface' appearances and behaviors were made nice and cleaned up. But I left SWMHS a hardened person.


in many ways I suppose it provided me with an invaluable education in life. the next 10-15 years allowed me to socialize, date, and be professional without too many people ever being able to get under my skin. well.. except maybe myself.


since then, I have never really been able to be thrilled with what my body looked like. sure.. I spent a FARE amount of time in college and in seattle dancing on speakers in night clubs, and wore very little clothing in the process. though wearing 'very little clothing' at a club in the 90s seems so PRUDE compared to some of the outfits I see worn on TV these days.


but back to my point. here in stepford and around charlotte, I see MANY women wearing outfits that flaunt and accentuate their bodies. I know of some hens here in the hood that insist on wearing clothes in a tighter size because they can. (not saying that I or anyone else in the free world think they SHOULD... just that they can and do.)

I guess it makes me a little jealous. jealous that they have the confidence or enough self love to not cringe when they look in the mirror. maybe they, too, have a secret self-loathing, but are better at faking it. I personally, am tired of faking it. I just want to feel good in the skin I'm in.

and it's not to say that I don't APPRECIATE the body I have. it successfully conceived and gave birth AND nourished two of my greatest accomplishments. my feet have walked miles for a cause very important to me. my legs have stood against and helped me walk away from ridiculous situations. my hands and arms have touched and held people that this world is truly better off for them being in it. but when I look in the mirror... I don't see that. or at least I FORGET to see that.


I was just reading another blog the other day about surrounding yourself with people who accentuate your life. and that idea is SO applicable in this scenerio, too.


Rhena is happy in her own skin because she is surrounded by people who love every inch of it. I continue to have issues with my outer shell because I choose to associate with people who place high value on external appearances. And have 'friends' who remind me that my arms will always be fat. of course.. I also have friends and family who love every inch of me... but I tend not to hear them as much as I hear the unhealthy 'friends'. I need to stop that. especially before rhena starts to follow suit.


and maybe now, after writing this out, I understand that I'm not jealous of rhena. I'm happy. happy for her, and happy that despite my own image-issues, she remains unscathed and accepts everyone and everything as just right in shape and size.

even me.

Interesting development

so last night was interesting.

Y'all know that we as a family love some food, right??? well.. troy and *I* do, anyway. and moosey, too, I guess. rhena.. well.. she's an odd one.

BUT ANYWAY



Last night.. troy stopped off at a burger joint on his way home from job 1. Being that I'm on the no-meat thing for lent, I asked him to bring me home some french fries. (DUDE... I may have given up meat, sweets, and alcohol... but I'm NOT suicidal... I need some things to eat, and by golly; french fries and cheetos are on my safe list!)


anyways.. Troy knocked back the burger and I assisted with the fries. the whole house then proceeded to smell like a deep fryer, but whatever. smelling the lingering aroma of fried fatness help curb my cravings to snack during american idol later.

(which.. btw... who the hell ARE those guys??? it seems like half are look-alikes to someone else, and the others are so forgettable, and holy SHIT Paula is BEYONNNND annoying this year! but in true love-to-hate style.. I'll do a different post just for idol.)


so back to fat. I'm feeling kinda oogey from the fries... but I power through. so troy finishes up the code drop he was workign on, and we settle into some Idol. troy suddenly gets up and starts pacing. then sweating. oops! then POWER-HURLING in the bathroom.

I shit you not... that man has some SERIOUS stomach capacity!!! I have never EVER seen/heard MORE vomit come out of one body.. and this includes ALL of my pregnant pukes, Denita in the famous "huh-huh-SPLOOSH" incident.. OR the vomitorium experience down my hallway that fateful bunco night.

(mmm.. tasty... just right for breakfast, huh, M?)


anyways... we have decided that it's official, and troy is no longer allowed to eat burgers from fast food joints. This is about the 5th time in recent history that he has eaten a burger from a fast food place, and gotten seriously ill. This makes a man like troy very VERY sad. and confused.

and I can't blame him. I mean.. what makes a body go from a lifetime of enjoying a certain food to suddenly rejecting it? I have that issue with all things seafood... though I'm going to test to see if the OPPOSITE can happen.. and go from a body REJECTING something for a long period to gradual acceptance. but that's probably ANOTHER post. I should rename this blog "tangent alley".


anyways.. troy is sad and miserable. mourning the loss of burgers, I guess. I was happy to have a FABULOUS chance to tell him that his puking was annoying to me. HAH!!! (throw-back revenge to preggo days)


I think NEXT time he pukes I'll ask for a massage cause 'my back really hurts'. HAAAAAAA. again... preggo throw-back. he'll NEVER live those down.


His stomach's rejecting of fast food burgers does NOT change my plan to serve burgers on Easter morning, though. he's either gonna have to fend for himself or just man up and pop some zofran like the rest of us.


off to run some errands and playgroup today. speaking of zofran.... consignment sale is looming over my head... I really need to knuckle down and start prepping things. yes.. the guest bedroom looks like a war zone again. sigh. oh.. and final deck estimate should be in by friday. the second one we got was CONSIDERABLY cheaper than the first.. so hoping three's the charm.

Freedom!

so.. tonight is a bunco night. I am happy to announce that today was the first time in a long long time that I woke up on a bunco day without angst or stress.


I don't have to talk myself into wanting to go... I don't have to talk troy into coming home so I CAN go. it's like this WEIGHT has been lifted. it's very freeing.


I WILL admit that I was a little twitterpated last week about how I would be today. do I make troy go to work so it would appear I couldn't have gone ANYWAY? Do I make plans with one of my girlfriends so I'm out of the house and appear 'busy'?


One of my dear friends called me out on it, though. she said something along the lines of "...or you could just not do ANYTHING and know you quit because you didn't want to go anymore?" again. something like that. (ok, maybe it was more something like "fuck them!"... but I knew what she meant. like I said.... something along those lines)

she's totally right. and I took what she said to heart, and today... I woke up feeling GOOD. FREE, in a way.. like I said. SO FREE, in fact, that I can blog about it, despite knowing the hens of stepford have been reading my blog. I mean LURKING. cause despite all the IP addresses I have as proof, no one has stepped up to admit that they've been checking up on me. (What can I say.. troy's a computer geek... that shit is BOUND to rub off, ya know?)


but that's fine. I take it as a form of flattery. apparently I'm more interesting online than in person. (that was for you, susie! HAH) but anyways... it's not like I would share something on here that I don't want to be public knowledge. so lurkers.. keep on lurkin'. nothing's gonna change in these parts.

moving on. Danny had a playdate this morning while rhena was at school. that was fun. need to start doing that more so the boy can hang out with kids his own age. wore his ass out, though.. he was passing out on the way home from getting rhena. he even skipped lunch, which is uncalled for with the moose.


aaah... and I must have spoken too soon. or he smelled the pierogies I heated up for rhena. I hear him calling now, so it's go time for me.

so peace out, happy tuesday.. and may you each feel some freedom today!

sigh

so I just threw a load of laundry in.


yeah. I figured it's only fair that I finish up all of last week's clothes so Troy is really only stuck washing THIS week's.


WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!



I broke the cycle!!! wait for it... I lost 2.2 pounds this past week!!!! even if I lHAD ost the weekly competition, I am SO PLEASED that I finally got a noteworthy loss that I wouldn't care about the laundry. Troy lost 2.8 pounds.. which is awesome, too... he's actually at his lowest weight since moving to North Carolina. I'm very happy for him.


of course, I'm MORE happy for me with no laundry duty this week. cause I'm the WINNER!!!



Weight watchers website continues to UNinspire me. this morning, I recorded my weight like I do every monday... and they had the nerve to tell me that my rate of loss was unhealthy. in the 7 weeks I've been on, I've lost a little over 12 pounds. DUDE. that's LESS than 2 pounds a week average. TOTALLY within healthy parameters. and HOW many weeks in a row of point 6 did I have?


silly, me getting angry at a computer screen. *I'm* happy... and I guess that's all that matters. and I'm still like a pound and a half from my 10% goal weight. Trying to figure out where my REAL goal should be, though. honestly... my REAL goal is to put on a bathing suit without inducing vomit. is there a magic non-vomit number out there?

oh well.. we'll see where I end up. I know one thing for sure.. I'm going to have a cheeseburger on Easter. Troy and I were watching some show on food network, and they featured some dive called The Nook, and they had the MOST GORGEOUSLY GREASY BURGERS (stuffed with CHEESE!! glorious CHEESE!) I may have ever seen.

and while I'll be a dried up shit on a baby's ass if you ever catch me in minnesota... (no offense to you middle-of-the-country-folks) I NEED one of those burgers. so yeah.. for Easter, when Lent is over... we're gonna forego the traditional ham and have stuffed cheeseburgers. well, OUR version of them, anyway. with pierogies. ahh yes.. toilets be warned!!!


alrighty.. speaking of toilets.. gotta make sure rhena didn't fall in ours. or is clogging it with toilet paper.

happy monday, gang!!

Playing Games

ok. if I HAVEN'T said it already, or if you are slow to the chase and haven't figured it out... I have issues.


this whole weight-loss competition I have going with Troy is a BITCH.


I say this because Troy disappears at will to spend time at the gym sweating away whatever evils he might have consumed during the past week.


me on the other hand.... well... if I want to lose weight, I cry. (water weight, right?) or drink lots of coffee so I can shit like a man... which usually ends up with me just crying FASTER... due to the caffiene.


I say most of this in jest. I'm actually getting back into the WW zone. I've come to accept my fate of smaller portions being the healthier option for a person my age and size. or rather, what my size SHOULD be. bleh. to be a few inches taller and 10 years younger!!!


anyways.. I lost last week. the weekly challenge that is. I mean, yes, I lost my standard point-six pounds... but troy definitely lost more weight... so I got bathroom duty. I'm not even going to talk about how I got bleach on new pants while cleaning the bathrooms yesterday.. cause any PRACTICAL person would NOT wear new pants while scrubbing toilets... so yeah. not going there.


I'm ALMOST feeling good about tomorrow's weigh-in, though. knowing troy, he'll bust out with like a 3 pound loss, but as of right now, I think I might break my point-six cycle. after eating breakfast (quiche and coffee), and weighing myself fully dressed (with a sweater, jeans and SHOES on) I am only up point-four pounds from last week's weigh-in. SURELY tomorrow when I wake up, empty the bladder and wear my lightest-fabric pjs... I will be lighter on the scale.


of course... I also plan to add extra cheese to the burrito I'll make for troy when he gets home from the gym. cause you know... every little bit helps. :)

oh, and did I say that this week's loser has to do ALL of the laundry for one week? washed, folded, AND put away? I know this is something I usually do anyway.. but the idea of troy having to do it... and I mean a good solid week's worth.. not just the one or two loads a month he does... well... call me evil.. but that just sounds delicious.


I thought about if I won that I would leave all my laundry scattered around the bedroom and closet and bathroom like he does, and make him go on a daily scouting mission so our son does not start chewing on dirty undergarments (GAG!)... but I will be a good winner (if I win). I WILL put all my clothes in the hamper where they belong.

and if I lose... well... balls to that. I really am hoping to win this week. maybe I'll use the full-fat sour cream in his lunch, too. no. extra cheese. definitely extra cheese. between the fat, calories, and the possible bonus of constipation... I really stand the chance to win this week.


stay tuned for tomorrow's results!

Ain't that sweet

Just realized that this will be my 500th post.


instead of the normal bitching and moaning, I'll just simply say thank you to all of you who have read, still read, and (dare I say) will continue to read my rants here in my lil corner of the web.


Happy Valentine's Day.

much love to all of you... even those of you who don't think that I know you're reading. Yes.. I even send YOU my love.

I say whore, you say BAGGER

TELL me how pleased I am that I just spent the kids' ENTIRE naptime looking for my merigue powder.


OF COURSE it was hidden among the soup cans.


cause you know.. soup.. baking cookies. yeah.


looks like my next 'project' will be to clean/organize the pantry. because the thing I really love to do most (aside from making cookies that I can not eat) is seeing all the food in the pantry that I can not eat.


ok.. before I waste the last remaining 5 minutes of nap time complaining about how I only have 20 points a day for weight watchers and I'm CONSTANTLY HUNGRY and STILL only lost point six pounds and at that rate it's going to be another 6 weeks of eating birdseed if I want to hit my 10% goal... yes.. before I do that... I should go decorate those damn cookies.


by the soup cans. damnit!!!!

Loving Love

yeah, boyeeeeee!!!


ok... do I really need to say more???


I know.. SUCH a train wreck, but man, I DO love this show.

blergh

feeling just a TEEENY bit ill right now. one.. lack of coffee. didn't have any this morning cause we ran out, and the chai tea is NOT giving me enough oomph.


two... trail mix. wtf, Emerald people are the devil.. they make shit SO GOOD (or at least to me when i first taste one of the products I'm all.. OH! that's SO GOOD) then I eat the whole bag. blergh. Just polished off pretty much a whole bag of this stuff. tasty.. but uggg. I should NOT have done that.


went out on a date with troy the other night. so nice! so fun!! almost romantic even!


so I wore the dress I wore on the night we got engaged. I thought I looked kinda cute. at the very least I know i'm about 10 pounds lighter than the first time I wore it... so I was kinda feeling good.

uh... until I looked at the pictures I insisted that troy take. oh well. something about how the camera catches every lump, bump, curve and crevice that make me want to not ever been seen in public again.. much less in that dress again. at least without photoshop built in to everyone's eyeballs.


I think the problem is my pose. I USED to have the lock-down on posing. even in my drunkest stupors I could manage a semi-decent pose. (yes, I KNOW this is because I used to practice posing at all hours of the day so in the event of drunken stupors, my 'pose' would come 'natural'.)

anyways.. that was when .. like 100 years ago? like before kids? I need to find my post-child pose. cause what I have been doing with my arms is working for my right arm, but holy crappernuts, fatman... I had sprouted an ass cheek near my left armpit in the last picture taken. NOT GOOD. momma don't want no extra ass cheek.

I'd share the picture, but there's only SO MUCH public scrutiny I can handle. maybe in another 5 pounds I'll share... but I doubt it. although.. if you take me out to dinner I'll show you however many one-armed ass cheeks you want. Lord knows I love me some free dinners.


speaking of the Lord... we're doing the Lent thing. I don't feel like talking/writing about it now, though. it's Lent, and I'm halfway through day 2. 38 more to go.


alrighty. folks are here, and visiting is going well. mom is coming to rhena's dance class tonight. I think she'll get a kick out of it. I know I do.. and she's a gramma. grammas get into that kind of shit.

speaking of. gotta wake the boogie and get ready to roll.

happy thursday, gang.

here come the troops!

ok.. so I kinda had a teeeeny bit of a breakdown last week.

I allowed myself a good cry or two on Friday (ok, it was more like 3 or 4) but still... who's counting.

the sheer act of crying and allowing a little pity party for myself was energizing and therapuetic. and then life was good again.


ok.. so maybe life got good again, because I actually got to see Troy and have a conversation with him. I have been BLESSED with good friends and a supportive family, and I really can't illuminate just how critical all of them are to my mental well-being in so many ways... but the biggest and most important outside influence on me is without a doubt Troy. When he and I are running seperate shifts or are away from each other for too long... I slowly start falling apart. Hard to admit that, being that I pride myself on how independant I am... but that man is so engrained in my mental and emotional infrastructure... I'd be a lying fool to ever say that I don't need him in my life.

so yeah. he came home on friday evening. before the kids' bedtimes. I finally exhaled.


then.. before I knew it.. things were good again. talked to my mom on saturday, and she said they decided they were going to come down for a visit. I KNOW my distressed state is what prompted the visit, and I tried to assure them that all was fine. but hey... where do you think I get my stubborness from? so they'll be here on wednesday. we're all pretty excited.


Sunday was the stuperbowl.. and we went to our neighbors' house. Chili was had, and it was so good. I gotta tell you.. those two have the LOCK DOWN on chili and cornbread. It was a very nice visit. rhena was beside herself to be at their house playing... *I* was beside myself to be out of the house and to be around other adults.. and even though danny did frizzle out about an hour into the game and we had to leave before halftime... it was very nice of them to have us over. again. good times.


tonight is CCD... and troy's planning on coming home to watch the kids. !!! I still know not to hold my breath until he actually calls and says he's on his way.. but I know that he'll try to make it happen.


and tomorrow!!! DATE NIGHT!!! My girlfriend is going to babysit for us, and Troy and I are going to start on our new year's resolution of hitting at least 6 of charlotte's top restaurants this year. A new place opened up here in town, and since wednesday starts lent, I'm gonna have my own personal Fat Tuesday.


ooh.. speaking of FAT... weighed in this morning. AGAIN only point-six pounds down. I totally know that I should have been down more, but in addition to the chili and cornbread and potato chips... I also had some espresso brownies and oreo cheesecake yesterday. and AGAIN I'm constipated.


I'm convinced it's my shitty binge-eating that wrecks my digestive tract on the weekends, and stops my ass up. I should switch my weigh-in day to like wednesday. I'm usually my lowest weight on wednesdays and thursdays. oh well. I still lost this week. annnnd... snicker snicker.. troy GAINED weight!!! so I win DOUBLE this week.

I couldn't think of anything creative as a prize this week, so stuck with the massage theme. BUT.... because I lost and troy gained.. he owes double. so now I get TWO half-hour massages. sweet.

so there you have it.

hope everyone had a good weekend.

the home stretch?

ok. I'm HOPING that troy will come home at some point today before midnight.

I remember seeing him on monday... he actually came home in time to watch the kids so I didn't have to bring them with me to CCD.


the rest of the week is a blur, though. I have been on double-duty bed routine since tuesday, and I'm a little worn out. it's not so much for lack of sleep... I'v e been getting about 6 hours a night.. so I'm doing well in that department.


just... the kids. well.. they're kinda driving me nuts. Danny's daytime sleep habits are unpredictable and at times not happening. this does NOT make for a happy boy during the high-stress times of the day like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. and snack times.


and is it me, or do ALL three year olds secretly take speed? maybe it's just rhena. but when you combine her INCESSANT energy with her "follow-the-imaginary-script-inside-my-head-or-we're-gonna-take-it-from-the-top" role-playing she does... well.. frankly, by friday, I really think Joseph and his technicolor dreamcoat can just fucking STAY in the cage.

and let's not forget that when I actually DO see troy again.. *I* get to give him a massage cause I didn't lose enough weight this week.


sigh.


I CAN do this.


anyways.. in other news... the church bake sale is this weekend, so I'll be making up stuff for that. that'll be a good 'busy' activity for rhena since it's puring out, and I am not gonna drag the kids out today.

Stuperbowl is this sunday.... We're supposed to be going to our neighbor's house. I'm on the fence about that one. I'm excited about getting out of the house... but given the fact that the game probably starts like a minute before bedtime for the moose, and I probably won't see troy until FIFTEEN minutes before we go... bleh. on the UP side.. I think of the chili and cornbread and know that once I'm eating (strike that.. SHOVELING IT IN MY MOUTH) well.. I'm sure I can rally.

that is, if I don't fall apart before then.

Stalker!!

ok.. maybe STALKER is a little too strong of a word.... but I do love a strong beginning.





so let's see... if not stalking.. then.. voyeurism? what exactly would you label observing someone in a publicly accessible area when they might not be aware of you observing them? lurking?





anyways.. once again, troy was working last night. he came home so we could go to the lumber store to view the samples of composite woods, as well as the three main brands of composites... (which, btw... when your husband coming home early means he comes in at 6pm.. you MIGHT want to check to see if the lumber store is even OPEN at that time first by calling ahead, versus going all the way there to see it dark and locked up.)



ok. so whatever. get home after an unsuccessful mission, then troy goes back to work. well.. the other job. ANYWAYS.



so since every now and then I hold a soft spot for the workhorse.. I promise not to watch our common favorite shows until he's home and we can watch them together. so SINCE I couldn't watch American Idol (no spoilers, please... I still haven't watched it) I figured what the heck.. might as well play call of duty.



so I did, and during one session, I got grouped into a particular group of people. one happened to be a girl. now.. if you're at ALL familiar with these online shoot-em-up games... you'll know MOST players are either teenage boys or tech nerds like my husband. so imagine the testosterone a'flyin when these boys realized it was a GIRL playing.



OH the flirting that was happening... I nearly laughed out loud. well, I SUPPOSE it was flirting. the girl was all "oh, HOORAY!! I shot someone! hee hee hee" and "oh no no no!! not fair! I'm re-loading! you can't shoot me! no fair! hee hee hee"



EVERYTHING this girl said ended in some form of giggle or cheer. on ONE hand, it made me want to stab my ears with pencils... but on the other.. I couldn't stop listening to the 'show'.





about three 'games' later.. one of the guys asked her how old she was. 20 was her response... though I'm betting she was probably younger. cause if she was really 20, she would have lied and said she was 21. I remember. I used to be that age once, too.



anyways.... when you play those kind of games.. you see trends. most of the time, you get one or two talkers... but EVERY TIME a girl is playing.. the guys come out of the woodwork, and the guys stay on for the longest time.



I SORT of felt guilty for listening the whole time, but hey.. they were in a public place... what they choose to say is fair game for listening, right? of course, I had a good time snickering at how immature the whole scenerio was... and had fun telling troy all about it. He asked me if I piped up and said anything... so of course I said no. I was worried that if they knew I was listening that they might change what they were talking about, and I was having a good time just watching the show.



not sure exactly what I was hoping for. a juicy morsel? scandal? that's doubtful in last night's case... but I know I've been guilty of gawking before in many other situations. I'm going to try to work on that during Lent this year.



of COURSE it'll be much easier to stop lurking once the writers' strike gets settled. DAMN I miss my shows.





speaking of shows.. SO HAPPY that Lost is back on tonight. oh, but troy will be working late again, so I'll have to wait another night for lost. sigh.





that's it. I'm gonna start putting chick ficks in my netflix queu.



(ps.. pardon the spelling errors. spell check is not working, and I don't feel like going back to edit.)

Locked out!

so this morning is interesting... I logged into our online banking this morning, and when I went to our 'bill-pay' feature (I like to see what bills have been sent out, what ones are dues, and which ones are still being processed... gives me an idea of how much money is really in the account, versus the number I see as the balance...)


anyways.. even though I could log into my account, I couldn't access my bill-pay features. damnit.

so then I hopped over to one of the two credit cards we keep.. same thing there... wouldn't let me access the account. hmph.


I suppose that's not exactly blog-worthy.. but hey. I'm trying to get back into blogging again.


in other news.... I've had a run of crazy dreams again lately. very tense ones at that. the other day I was dreaming that the entire family on my mom's side was trapped in the basement of our house (pre-fire days) waiting on a hurricane or tornado to hit. Even some people from my high school were there.. which is strange, cause I only talk to about 3 people from high school still. anyways.. I distinctly remember having rhena sitting next to me, and me stressing the fuck out internally about the impending doom heading our way, but trying to stay lighthearted and calm around rhena so SHE wouldn't worry. bleh. I woke up wondering how mothers (or fathers for that matter) tend to their children during natural disasters. bleh again. I was very tense when I woke up.


another dream was that I was living in the world of Call of Duty 4. and I was truly running around like I do when *I* play the game. which, btw.. is quite the scene to watch, cause I spin around and bump into walls more than I actually shoot people. once again I woke up tense and exhausted.

there have been little flashes of dreams here and there in addition to the big ones, but again.. very tense themes. I think it's because of this damn diet. I'm so freaking hungry all the time so I go to bed tense. maybe? or maybe I'm just tense in general? uh.. probably.

I WILL say for the record, though, that when troy called from his real job (not the part-time job) saying that he would be working late once again.. he came home around 7:30pm. which is actually EARLY in the grand scheme, being that he normally has been coming home around 11pm or midnight.. but since it was just one shift at the real job.. well then I guess it was late.. but I digress... besides.. I'm confusing myself.

ANYWAYS.. we said screw it and ordered pizza. crispy, greasy.. bad-for-my-ass PIZZA. it was delightful.


and you know something??? I had no bad dreams last night. a little heartburn... but no bad dreams.

End of an Era

so today... I officially quit bunco.



I have a LOT of reasons why.. one of course being that someone threw up all over my house... but that for sure is not the only reason.


I suppose that's perfectly natural considering I went to bunco for all of about MAYBE three times in 2007? despite having a set date once a month.. I just was NOT able to get it together most months. either the kids had issues or troy was working, or we were out of town...


the biggest reason I think is the guilt. NOT GOING month after month has started to bother me. I mean.. for no lack of planning, like I said.. I just couldn't make it most months. this would leave me pissy, frustrated, short-changed.. you name it. month after month.


so I decided to stop kidding myself, and remove my tendency to get my hopes up and inevitably get disappointed each month. which is all a bunch of bullshit mind games to myself.. cause deep down I know I quit cause I have to keep putting my family's schedule and needs above my own... but on the surface I guess I at least feel like I was able to make the decision to quit. like some reverse-psychology empowerment or some shit.


oh well. bunco nights come and go. having a happy and harmonious family takes work and maintenance... and I feel (at least I'm hoping on this premise) that with enough investment now... I shall reap the rewards of free time in the future.

(yeah.. like when the kids are old and grown and doing their own thing and I have no friends or sense of self to do anything with?? I'll have PLENTY of free time then, right?? crickets chirp.)

ok. sarcasm aside.. I feel ok about this decision. I mean.. I don't get much time with my husband... and family time (meaning the four of us) is even rarer... so do I REALLY want to whittle away the few occasions a month that troy IS HOME on a night in some one's house surrounded by a bunch of women that I haven't seen in months? on the effort-out-reward-in scale... I'm just not feeling the balance there too much .

and once again.. I see I'm using words like balance again. can you TELL I haven't found it yet???


oh well. for now.. I'm cool with dropping out of bunco. I seriously doubt I'll see the women involved any more or any less now than before... and if the action of quitting takes away just one more thing that I stress about.. well, then I guess that's a good thing, Martha.

I'm a loser, baby

yeah... lost the weekly weigh-in to troy this week. bastard was down THREE POUNDS!!! seriously!


I was down point-6 pounds.. so not BAD.. but clearly not good enough. I owe the man another back-rub.


though I have to say... I should have planned this weekly betting thing a little better. not ONLY am I raring with PMS (can you saying walking BLOAT??) but I ALSO haven't crapped since friday. so pretty much once a month I screwed with the weight.


I can only hope that by next week (and a few good dumps) I will be bloat free and down a bit more than I was this week.

other than that.. same ole same ole. I'm hungry... and now with the added bonus of hormones. and constipation. good times!!!

unleashed

so lately, I feel like I've been exposed to.. in some fashion or another... questionable parenting techniques.


today was a doozie, and I SWORE I was just going to walk away... not say anything. "let it go, let it go...." I told myself.


I went upstairs and folded some laundry. but that got me fired up even MORE, cause I was folding the kids' clothes... so that just made me stew.


so as you may or may not know.. a few weeks ago, I took a parenting survey. sick.. unsettled.. the whole deal. you can read back.. it's only a few posts ago. so TODAY.. I'm reading online about a friend who has a friend who is smoking. while pregnant.


ok... I see isolated cases of stupidity like ALL the time.. most of the cases from myself, as chance would have it.. cause well.. I'm around myself the most. but the smoker apparently admitted to knowing that smoking while pregnant is bad... but JUSTIFIED it by saying that HER mother smoked while she was pregnant with HER, and since SHE turned out ok, that she's going to smoke, too.

right... because APPARENTLY the nicotine exposure she had in her life has had no effect on her cognitive reasoning ability... and since she herself is now not addicted or anything.. she's just CHOOSING to expose her unborn child to nicotine. cause you know.. she's fine and everything.

or you know.. spanking. "my parents spanked ME, and *I* turned out ok!!" Cause I guess bullying, hitting or otherwise ABUSING a CHILD 20-30 years younger than you is considered 'ok' behavior.

I find a cases like these behaviors for someone in my age group to be as equally appalling as racism. I mean SERIOUSLY. That old adage "well it worked for my parents, and *I* turned out ok" is shameful. I mean, UNLESS your parent is like 3 or 5 years older than you... I do not see how ANYONE in my generation could subscribe to that line of thinking.

in 'my parents' day"... yes... they drank a few beers while driving. we as children sat on laps.. or in the back-back with no seat belts. wooden spoons and belts and waiting for fathers coming home were feared. people smoked. indoors. drugs were done and unprotected sex was had. and hey.. we came out ok. right?

but that was then and this is now. I'm not saying that what my folks did or didn't do was right or wrong. what I AM saying is that we're playing a different ballgame now. in the last thirty years... information has become available. research has been done. medical documentation has PROVEN the effects on a fetus of smoking, drinking and/or doing drugs while pregnant. We also have learned that SHAKING a baby to quiet it while screaming can cause brain damage.

I mean.. I'm no doctor.. but some of this shit is SO BASIC and considered common knowledge now that I can't understand how people can say ... "yeah, well.. I'll take my chances".

For whatever parenting techniques my parents might have employed that I do or do not agree with... I do so because I'm making my choices based on the information available to me... as in right here and now. just like they did thirty years ago. (ok.. thirty PLUS years ago) I do not in any way fault my parents for anything they may have done "wrong' by today's standards. They did the best they could based on the knowledge, resources, and history available to them at the time. SHIT.. there's things that I do differently with Danny because shit changed over the 2 years that passed between his and rhena's birth.

Were my parents WRONG for pulling a britney and having me on their lap while they drove to get their cheetos fix at a local store? NO. they didn't even HAVE car seats back then. SO why was the media so agog at Brit-Brit's choice to go without the car seat? I mean.. hey.. SHE turned out ok, right?


And listen.. I know my argument of things working for parents etc doesn't hold up in ALL categories. I feel that my parents did A SHITLOAD of things right... and many many many are behaviors I chose to expose my children to. But being a sensible adult now.. being a parent myself now.. I feel it is my DUTY... for the sake of the innocent humans I brought into this world.. to make the best decisions based on information available to me... and not just press play and repeat.

gettin busy

hah! bet you thought this post is/was/will be about sex. NOPE.


seriously.. troy's been working all week at his real and part-time-he-swears-it's-just-for-fun job. please, like CODING is fun. blah.



anyways.. gotta see the man to do the deed, and that, I'm afraid, just isn't happening. Troy has been busy.


as for me.. well, you know.. doing the whole eat bon bons and pretend I do housework thing. sheee-yeah RIGHT? fuckin A, I've been busy, too.


finally got the tree down, boxed up, and away. floors mopped. carpets vacuumed, things dusted. sofas spot-treated. kids fed... like all the time cause apparently even when you feed them they keep getting hungry again.

there's been multiple trips to the library, cause dude.. doing the single mom thing all day every day is just NO FUN when you don't leave the house.

did some decorating (hey.. if troy's going to be gone making all this extra money.. I might as well spend it for him, right?) not anything major, but a few key pieces here and there. a mirror, a lamp, a wall decor thing.. you know. make the house lived in. which is ironic, cause troy's never here, and here I am spending money on decorative things to make us look settled, and all I do all damn day is pick up the toys and laundry and do dishes so it doesn't look like we actually LIVE here. issues.

speaking of issues. we're expecting snow. again. here. in the south. WTF, people??? we had our 1/4 inch STORM OF THE YEAR on thursday.. that's it. we should be good now until next year, but nooooooo... now we're supposed to get more.


grumble grumble grumble.

oh well.. I'll just bundle the kids up like the little brother from christmas story and let 'em roll around for a little. maybe the cold air will make them sleep. but I'm not getting my hopes up.


anyways.. that's it. not a lot of anything, I suppose. just busy. and I was getting tired of looking at that last post.

ok, then.

Win some, lose one

bleh. I knew this would happen. Troy whooped my ass this week in our diet challenge.


He lost 3.8 pounds this past week, and I only lost one. I SHOULD be happy, considering I ate at wendy's on friday (junior bacon cheeseburger AND french fries... I about died from the delight of it all) AND I have yet to go to the gym.... and hey.. one pound is one pound!

but still. I hate losing. losing in a competition, that is.. not losing weight. we've already established that I like to do that.


The prize this week is that the winner receives a half-hour, full-attention (meaning no tv, no excuses) massage from the loser. bleh. I HATE giving massages. I have weak hands or something (read I'm lazy) but man.. I just lose interest in the giving after like... 2 minutes.


oh well. fair and square.. I'll pay up. my total loss is up to 6.2 pounds. not bad for 2 weeks in.



in other news.. I participated in a north carolina university survey yesterday. it was based on parenting techniques/discipline behaviors. there were a lot of questions that established environment.. such as race, income, neighborhood, and marital status as well as primary child care situations.


after all that was established, they asked my and troy's habits in terms of interaction with Danny. they stated that their line of questioning comes from statistical findings of discipline methods from around the country as well as around the world. so yeah, yeah.. I started answering. the questions started off easy enough... how often do I praise Moosey, cuddle with him, read a book to him. then they got into the negative disciplines... asked how often I or my husband hit danny with an object such as a belt, spoon, or hairbrush on his buttocks.


This question didn't strike me as too alarming, as I know there are people (some of which I consider friends) that consider 'spanking' as an effective method of discipline for their children. This is NOT a method that Troy and I believe in or will ever be convinced to employ for our children for SO MANY reasons that I shall not list here... as that is not my topic. not that I've ever been afraid to go off topic or say something that might piss other people off... I just want to get back to the survey.


anyways.. I was easily able to answer the questions seeking to know that troy and/or I have never smacked, swatted or otherwise hit our children with any object or with our bare hands on their buttocks, back, head or other part of their bodies. Then the questions went further. have we ever pinched our children? intentionally put spicy food in their mouth as a form of punishment? called them names like stupid or useless? threatened to leave and never come back? locked them out of the house? scream or curse at the child? shake to stop crying? scald, brand, or otherwise burn?


at this point in the survey, I could not contain my emotions. the 'focus group' of the survey were children UNDER the age of two. answering these questions and watching Moosey play in front of me made me want to throw up. do people REALLY do that? to BABIES???


overall, the survey made me sick and unsettled. are we as a society THAT uneducated and barbaric?

again.. it made me sick and unsettled. and perhaps there's no point to my writing this other than to get it out of my system. I know where I stand in terms of what I feel is acceptable methods of discipline for my children, and I will do my best to always rise above the symptoms of the situation so that my children can learn to do the same in THEIR future without resorting to violence. my only question is that I wonder if that's going to be enough.


note - If you want to comment, I encourage you to keep in mind the following. First and foremost... this is NOT about you. If YOU do or don't beat, curse at, swat or otherwise hit your children in the past, present or intend to do so in the future... that's your business. Frankly, I don't WANT to know. I just wanted to share my personal experience and reactions to something that happened yesterday. and to let it go.


at the end of the day, I found myself able to love my children even MORE. My resolve to be a positive influence on my children was re-established and recharged. and while I know that's no sure-fire guarantee that my kids will turn out to be GOOD people when and as they grow up, it's still what's going to work for me and troy.

Sunshine in the rain

today, I was in line for the drive through at dunkin donuts, and a woman TOTALLY cut me off. hard to explain the actual logistics, but when I looked up from clipping coupons to give her a quizzical look (read "did you just cut me off, bitch?) she realized she made a mistake.


and it was an innocent mistake.. on account she wasn't paying attention. but either way.. now she was ahead of me in the drive-through lane. she did some frantic arm waving (read "oh my god I'm so sorry, I'm a total dumbass") and I smiled from my car and waved her ok.


turns out she gave the cashier $2 to put towards my order to apologize for cutting me off.

who says the sun can't shine when it's raining?

getting there

DAMN I can just not seem to get myself organized this year.


I fear that with each passing year it's going to take me longer and longer to recover from 4th quarter.. and soon I'm just going to say fuck it all and leave the christmas tree up all year.

like I did in seattle.


sigh.


of COURSE I would be much more inclined to DO SOMETHING if I wasn't so damn distracted being HUNGRY all the live-long day. yes.. I started up weight watchers again. it's so embarrassing... I lost all that weight.. was down to a happy place in the 120's... then I stopped nursing, kept eating, and wham-bam-thank-you-fat m'aam, I'm back up in the 130's.

the GOOD news is that I've enlisted Troy to join WW, too. hey.. misery loves company, right? but the bastard that he is.. gets like 300 points a day, to my measly 23. oh well... I will survive.


in fact, one week down already. I think I was too busy bitching about how hungry I was to keep track of time, but sure enough.. one week has passed. happily, I did lose 5.2 pounds... but alas.. my period is also gone, so I'm thinking some of that weight was for sure due to Aunt Flo. no matter.. that's an encouraging start.. and compared to Troy's 5.8 pounds lost... I maintain the higher percentage of weight lost for the week, and he... must clean all the bathrooms this weekend.

ain't love grand?


oh well. back to the grind. cause posting to a blog sure isn't helping to get the decorations put away.

Bragging or shame?

so as a "Christmas" present.. troy and I got my mom 2 tickets to see Wicked when it's playing here in Charlotte. Given the fact that my dad is hard of hearing, and Troy's really not all that in to musicals... we're (or at least I am) banking on that my mom will bring me with the other ticket. :)


ok.. so pretty much I told her out right that she and I are going, but fact remains that she holds both tickets. I need to keep my ass in check for the next 4 months if I want to go.. otherwise she may learn how to sell them on ebay in her free time. or worse.. bring someone else.


anyway.. my point is that I am working on reading the book for which the musical was based on. I don't get to read that often.. but in a 5 minute break here and there, I'm knocking it out a page at a time.


so I was sitting on the toilet the other day and looked down at the book (what can i say.. I'm a mom, and the only real "free time" I get is when I'm in the can. sometimes. at least mostly when I lock the door.)

so on the cover of the book, it boldly states "Over one million copies in print". well.. that's really great. at least for the author. but then I started thinking about what that really means. With the population of the USA being roughly 303 million people.. one million doesn't seem to be such a large number. hang on.. I'm not to the shame part. so yeah.. 1 million in print is about 1 book to every 303 people.

Wicked is NOT exactly a children's book... so when you break down the population by considering roughly 28 percent of americans are under the age of 19... now we're looking at about 219 million people. (I will point out that I recognize that there will be a large reading group from the age of about 10-19 that may enjoy a book like wicked.. but I am also assuming that a comparable number of older citizens comprise a near-blind or fully blind state and would be unable to read a printed copy. so.. tit-for-tat teenagers are cancelling out the blinds. (yes.. I know that is skewed logic, but this a damn blog post.. not a frigging term paper, people))

ok. back to about 219 million. that's about one book to every 219 people. adults. considering most reports point to about 40-44 MILLION adults being functionally illiterate... i'd say it's fair to knock off another 42 folks.

ok.. so now we're at one book to every 177 people. so I did a little more digging. according to a little article from NY times.. there are about 55.2 million couples that are lawfully married. another 6 million of so couples live together but are either not married or are in a same-sex relationship. so that another 61 million couples.. meaning 122 million adults.

oh you know what.. forget it. I'm boring myself.


my point was just that it seems like 1 million copies of ONE particular book seems rather high in an age of digital, audio, libraries and the timeless fashion of sharing a book between friends. I know for SURE that I'm the third reader of this copy (my mom and brother have read it prior to me.. maybe even my dad and sister-in-law have as well...) and I do plan on passing it on to my girlfriends that I swap books with.

because do we REALLY need another thing collecting dust in this world? oh well. I'm not trying to take any merits or money away from the author... I'm just saying out loud that I had an actual minute where I thought about how much I consume. ironic that I was thinking about consumption in the potty... but still... enough pause was taken that one of my resolutions this year is to be a little more green this year.

speaking of green. it would seem that the kiddies are still asleep, and I could be reading more about the life and times of Elphaba.

New Year, old habits

hey all.. another new year it would seem, huh.

I'd SAY I will be posting more... but anyone who's been around me enough knows that my posts come and go no matter WHAT my intentions are.

right now, we're just getting back in the swing of things.. as well as taking on some new ones. first new thing on the agenda is boogie-girl is now in a dance class.

this in itself should be a whole post, because I am SOOOO ill-equipped to be a mom of a dancer. in the past week.. I have purchased no less than THREE pairs of shoes (all the wrong ones, btw) and am on a mission to find some obscure store where I will no doubtedly be roped into buying $250 worth of pink things because they are what rhena needs to correctly learn how to 'dance creatively'. I sigh. at least she looks cute in her outfit.

but I now need to muster the moose so we can go stock up on diapers; both for danny and myself. apparently the new year has also brought me a new menstrual cycle. good times!

(oh please.. like you expect anything less than too much information here!)

something happened

something happened to me these past few months. I stopped writing about life, and started living it.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with blogging. I think it's a great tool for communication. networking. stress relief. sharing. (even when shit probably shouldn't be shared)

but.... it just hasn't been my top priority lately.

which is a shame, cause I feel like an ass for not taking enough pause to publicly note that my mooser turned one. back in november. oops.

but hey. look at him. he's happy, he's healthy... and now he's one.