Cze-Johnson Fever

Just in Case You're Still Listening

2011-01-27T17:20:00.003-05:00

Hi Rachie.

Not sure if there's any truth about those souls who have gone on being able to know what's going on here on planet E, but *I* believe in my heart that you're tuned in, so this needs to be said.

Though, I suppose if you ARE tuned in, then I really DON'T need to write this, but this is one of those times where I think it's ok to share with everyone.

ANYWAYS..... (I know, seriously... I CLEARLY haven't perfected the ability to GET TO THE DAMN POINT in the time you've been gone, now, have I?)

so yeah. you know I'm down like a clown for the Avon Walks. But did I ever tell you (this time YOU being whomever is reading, not just Rachel. Rachel's a given.) anyways-- did I ever tell you about how at the walks I would buy Rachel some type of survivor gear? well, I did. And in 2008, I stood in line, picked out my pink stuff, grabbed a cute Survivor hat for Rachel, then muscled my way to the cash register. All was fine until I handed my stuff to the cashier and realized that I was buying a survivor hat for the biggest reason WHY I was doing the walk, and that she had passed away the month prior.

so for any of you who happen to know ME... I shut down in times of crisis... especially emotional ones. SO yeah... frozen with internal vomiting and heartache, I just bought the hat, walked to my car and bawled my eyes out. good times, huh?

So that damn hat has been in my closet.

reminding me.

At one point I considered sending it to Lindsay, Rachie's daughter, but I didn't want to add any more reminders in her life of what she's surviving and living through every day. So in my closet it stayed.

STILL reminding me.

So completely off point, but not really... Troy and I signed up for some "living your strengths" series at church. blahbitty blah... (but not really, cause it's been a GREAT eye opener and I'm glad we've been doing the program) so this woman ended up coming to my house to go through the 'lesson' with me, since the way schedules worked out, I was going to get a private session.

Before the lady comes to my house though, she sends me some cryptic email about not being around germs, and I'm all like.. are you fucking KIDDING me? I have 2 kids!! and I sure as hell don't DUST... so I politely wrote back and told her we're HEALTHY, but if she's afraid of dust, we're going to have to find another place to work.

so ya ya ya.. all's fine. she comes over and we do the lesson, and she's quite a lovely lady. towards the end of the lesson, she semi=apologizes about the germ thing, and I was all.. "yeah, so what's up with that?" and she's all.. "well, you know.. because I'm starting chemo...."

BLERGH.

yeah.. you know.. just starting chemo. no big deal. *sigh*

I kept my shit together for about a good 5 minutes before I was unintelligible in terms of speaking.

________

from then to now is unimportant, but I have to say I feel blessed for having this woman come into my life. She didn't know about the avon walks right here in charlotte, and it felt GOOD to tell her about them. it felt GOOD to meet someone I do this shit for. of course the circumstances suck ass, but this instant kinship I feel with her is a blessing.

no... knowing her won't bring Rachel back, NOR will it lesson the loss we all STILL feel from her passing. no... that part doesn't change.

But my new friend started her chemo today, and in 18 days, when she will begin to lose her hair, she will have a fancy new (ok, maybe not-so-new) pink survivor hat to wear. And while I'm still angry and hurt and EMPTY in so many broken ways that I couldn't give that hat to Rachel... I'm hopeful that the strength and spirit of Rachel will be with my new friend as she fights.

so there. and just in case you ARE listening, Rach... forgive me for the re-gift. But thank you. thank you for bringing her to me and reminding me to never stop fighting.

the after

2010-10-27T14:21:00.003-04:00

AFTER I was done calling everyone, cutting out our logo and putting it in buttons, printing signs, doing iron-ons for bandannas and aprons, buying/checking the posters, inflatable guitars, records, glasses and other paraphernalia, going to event eve, meeting the team, giving them their start and meet times, picking up last minute items and driving home... well... AFTER that, I got to tuck in my babies and tell them why I was going to be gone all weekend.

AFTER I told Rhena that I would be gone all weekend for an event that was raising money to fight cancer.. a disease that makes people so sick that some actually die... I cried. I cried because my daughter was going to miss me in the next 2 days, and Lindsay's been missing HER mommy for over two YEARS.

AFTER I woke up at 2:30am, drove downtown, helped to set up breakfast, greet walkers, break down and clean up opening ceremonies, drive to a different location, set up the wellness village, set up the dining service tent, greet more walkers, saw familiar faces, heard 100s of stories-- inspiring, sad, and wonderful, served dinner until after 9, and drove all the way back home... I walked into a house that looked like it had exploded. There was literally stuff EVERYWHERE; icing smeared on the table; empty boxes of cereal on the counters, FULL bowls of cereal in random locations in the tv room... but I didn't do a damn thing. I didn't get angry, I didn't clean, I just said goodnight and walked upstairs for a nap.... grateful for a husband who stopped time in his world so I could volunteer MY time at the walk. Somehow a messy house seemed pretty insignificant at the time.

AFTER a 4 hour sleep, I went back downtown, picked up a crew member at her hotel, got to the wellness village, served breakfast, greeted over 1000 walkers and crew with a hot breakfast, cleaned up, cleaned even more, said my goodbyes, gave my thanks, and got in my car to drive home... well.. AFTER that, I smiled. I SMILED because as I looked at my clock, I realized it was still early enough that there would be moms waking up and greeting their children... snuggling and having breakfast and NOT FIGHTING.

AFTER THAT, I got wistful, because maybe some of those moms WERE fighting, but at least they were still alive to fight another day.

AFTER THAT... I looked at my clock again, and when I realized I had been sitting in my car for three minutes, and according to statistics.. another person was just diagnosed with breast cancer in America.... I let myself weep.

AFTER THAT... I looked at the rising sun, I said a prayer of thanks for my health; a prayer of strength for those who need it, and one more for peace for all the souls who have been lost to cancer... and I drove home to love, hug, and hold the three most important people in my life.

After that? I signed up to do it all again next year.

Good for the Heart

2010-10-20T14:02:00.004-04:00

So I found out today that my dad has a blockage in his heart and will need surgery. that kind of blows. I mean, YAY.. it's good on many levels that he's at least seeing a doctor, and they are taking an interest in procedures to you know.. keep him alive. that part I like.

I don't like thinking of the fact that I am getting to the age where my friends' parents are dying. Just last week another one of my friends from high school lost her father. and I definitely don't like the idea of my dad needing surgery. for whatever good it may create.. it doesn't mean I like the idea that he needs it, period. it makes my heart heavy, and don't even get me started about how I can even imagine functioning when the day comes that one of my parents pass away. I start going there and I turn into an emotional wreck... THEN I start thinking about how Rachel is gone and Lindsay doesn't even KNOW the ways she misses Rachel yet. fuuuuuuuuuuck. "hello, psychiatric hotline?? yes, Carrie here... please send the meds... yes... I've gone THERE again..."

The walk is this weekend. I haven't been doing NEARLY as much chatter/fundraising/awareness raising as I normally do. I don't know why that is... it's no less important to me this year than previous years.... Maybe I'm getting to the second stage of things? like with Rhena.. when I was pregnant, and after she was born, I would post about pretty much anything. The monster moved!! I had the craps today!! It's a she!!! SHE had the craps today! etc etc etc.

When I was pregnant with Danny, I didn't feel the need to shout out every detail to whomever would listen. instead, I maintained a quiet, peaceful relationship with the being within. ok, so the fact that he made me puke just about every damn day DID warrant some conversations, but with moosey-- it's always been just... there. not showy, not nearly as public as Rhena... just.. there.

I kind of feel that way now about the walk. It's still necessary for me to be there, and there's things I certainly don't hide about the walk... but it's just... THERE. in my heart, on my mind, part of who I am and what I do... it's just there.

and I'm SO glad the walk is here again. I need to be there. I need to see the hope, the healing, the LIVES that still ARE because people are donating and people are fighting and changes are happening in medicine. THAT'S the kind of shit that's good for MY heart.

think pink, gang. and thanks to any and all of you who made a donation this year, in the past, or will be making one soon.

treasure or junk, hide or share?

2010-10-19T09:03:00.004-04:00

well lookie lookie here! apparently *I* still have a blog!!!

I kind of feel like I just found a childhood diary or something.... going through these posts is truly like stepping back in time. First of all.. WOW. I curse a LOT, don't I? oh well. throw my vote to the freedom of speech thing, I guess. *I* know I don't curse around my kids, NOR do I allow them to read this dribble... so I'm ok with cursing. besides.... sometimes it's very necessary to use the term assbaggers. knowwhaddayemean??? fuck 'em if they can't take a little sailor talk.

So yeah. where was I? I remembered I had this (and my baking blog) because Rhena's class moms created a blog for sharing pics and info. which is swell. I love being able to see pictures from her day and activities. What can I say? I'm partial to looking at her mug! BUUUUUT... I had to sign in with blogger in order to READ said kindergarten blog. which means my profile comes up... which means this here blog shows up.

hmmm.

now in the PAST, I've never felt the need to hide my rantings. if I DID, I suppose I wouldn't have typed them in the first place. (again.. see my no-apologies cursing theory above) but now. nowwwwww... I'm a mom of a kid in kindergarten. Granted I'm STILL the same mom of the kid who SHOULD have been in kindergarten LAST year (grumble grumble.. whatever! seriously, I'm OVER IT!) but now that I'm all IN THE SCHOOL SYSTEM as a parent and everything... do I worry? should I care? does it MATTER?

I have to admit it worries me that I'm even thinking this. has stepford conformed me so much that I'm questioning my awesomeness??? blergh. THAT'S not good!

I think when I go back through my posts, there are some really good gems in here. like the day Rhena went to preschool for the first time. TOTAL GEM. there's some raw emotions from losing Rachel that deserve to be preserved... and heard. Of course, there's trash, self-indulgence, and soooooo much dribble. I suppose that stuff can stay or go... I like to keep it as a reminder of where I've been... a barometer of how much I've changed, I guess? but yeah... on the chance someone from child services reads about the time I got so drunk I woke up feeling like a cat shit in my throat??? welllllll... maybe not one of the best entries I'd want Rhena's classmates' parents reading about me.

but then that just adds fuel to my fire in terms of having nothing to hide. well, that's not true. I have plenty to hide. like the amount of cobwebs in the office that I'm looking at right now instead of cleaning. (whoops. so much for hiding that.) meh--- it's almost halloween. they're actually appropriate right now, right? I'll get to them before thanksgiving.

oh well. I guess the truth is that hiding old posts is just not my style. there's PROBABLY some prolific saying about truth setting you free and past being your path to get you where you are today... blabbity blah blah.... but I'm just sayin' I...

well.. what AM I saying exactly?

hmph.

I'm saying that if you're a new reader... read with caution. I curse. always have, always will. the pre-existing posts on this blog are just that. pre-existing. as in.. already happened, nothin you can do about it. if I said I can't stand minivans and moms who wear vests... then that's how I felt at that time. (well.. I kind of still feel that way... vests? I mean REALLY? not a fan. and oh good LORD don't get me started on those stupid-assed sweaters with various holiday doo-dads emblazoned on them. They may be worn by grandmoms and grandmoms ONLY. everyone else wearing one deserves a slap. they're DUMB.)

I'm in a whole new world these days... and it's a happy one. SURE, I still get pissed about a LOT of dumb things, but I have been feeling very balanced lately. Rhena loves her school. DANNY loves his school. Troy is happy at work, and I have been happy doing a mix of subbing and baking for the business. I feel MUCH more in control this year for Stepford, in terms of being more selective of what orders I take on, and not over-extending myself just to have one more client.

I still do the Avon Walk (it's this weekend already! yikes!), still teach CCD, and still drive the kids everywhere they need to be. I still like bacon, and I still keep saying I need to lose some weight. I have good friends, and I love my family. Granted, I'd love a certain member of my family a lot more if he would ever send me the pictures he took of our trip to the statue of liberty this past summer because my camera broke and I have no decent pictures to put in my kids' room so they remember it.... but that's a whole other story.

It's been what... 10 months since my last post? oh well.. it's not you... it's me. really. and I don't mean that in a bad way.

The year in Re-View

2009-12-22T13:41:00.002-05:00

is this thing on?

yeah.. so it took me getting regular comments from 'anonymous' users who apparently were trying to pimp out viagra to remind me that i HAVE a blog (or two). Sad thing is the comments started coming last week, and it's taken me this long to come around and do something.

so here we are, friends (and anonymous viagra pimpers). Another year over. Traditionally, this is the time when we all sit back and review the year that has just passed. as I take a look at the dust on my keyboard.. it makes me realize.. there's not much TO review! at least not in terms of blog posts.

personally--- life was busy. my business, A Taste of Stepford became officially recognized by the state of North Carolina, and my bank. more importantly, it became something to a few dozen clients... what a validation! It really has been great. BUSY... and not exactly financially lucrative, but alas... it is REAL. and even though I make about 5 CENTS an hour when all is said and done... building this business has been a gratifying experience. kind of like parenting.

I love my husband, I love my kids.. and I've been blessed with a new sense of understanding in life when it comes to friends and the company I keep in general. not like recently.. just really over the year... but yeah. TOTALLY solid in this department now. I have GREAT friends, and really feel balanced with the amount of time I spend with them.

I'm fatter. (there.. I said it!) I'm not disgusting or obese or anything, but I'm definitely not gonna get cold if the temps drop a little, ifyouknowwhatImean.... meh. Lent shall come again, as will my desire to deprive myself of all the good things I bake. right now? I say bring on the coconut... momma needs some comfort food!

apparently I also need coffee. like regularly. seriously.. every day between 2-3pm? hola, senor WALL! mind if I slam into you for a little while? not sure if that's a getting old thing or a getting-out-of-shape-so-I-naturally-have-less-energy thing, but lord HELP MY ASS if I don't get caffeine in the afternoon. I'll be drooling through the kids' bedtimes for sure.

big year ahead for us... taking the kids to Disney. registering Rhena for kindergarten, and signing the moose up for preschool. I'm promising myself I will learn to make some sugar art/work with sugar more. supposedly, I'm going to get Danny to learn how to stop needing diapers, too. so yeah. big year. and that's just January.

maybe I'll be here more? maybe. Troy wrote himself a little blog entry the other week, and it got me thinking about how much I liked spouting off my opinion. maybe I'll get back in the habit? maybe I'll fold some laundry, too... but I don't want to get TOO far ahead of myself.

happy end of the year, people.

Dear Rachel

2009-08-24T23:09:00.002-04:00

Hi Rachie.

I don't know if you can hear me, feel me, or anything along those lines... but I'm gonna take the chance that you can.

Tomorrow's your birthday. I've been thinking about it for a while, and it's been coming and coming, and already.. wow... here it is.

and you're not going to be older than me.

I'm not here to make YOU feel bad... but damn sam and ten cases of shit fever.... I never thought there'd be an August 25th that I didn't get to remind you that you'll always be older than me.

fuck, dude. you're not HERE.

I suppose that's it in a nutshell. typical me.. self centered. But I miss you. I really do. I read Rob's updates on facebook and I get sad. I see Rhena do something cool and my heart breaks for Lindsay.

I feel guilty for missing you as much as I do, because again, I think about Rob and Lindsay and your parents and Sean. SEAN! can you believe he's getting married? SEAN! little baby Sean... fucking crazy, I tell you.

Anyways... Tomorrow, I'm going to TRY to celebrate your BIRTHday... and the 36 years after August 25th that you LIVED (and were still older than me.. hah!) I'm going to remember you, I'm going to celebrate you, and I'm going to talk about you to anyone who'll listen, and try to get anybody and everybody to donate some money so someday cancer is something people read about in history books. Tomorrow I will try to laugh. (or giggle and snort) I will secretly throw powder at people. I will say 'shit' when I'm not supposed to. I will blame someone else for something mischievous. and just for the hell of it, I'm going to strip in my room.

Yes.. tomorrow.. I will celebrate you, Rachel.

but tonight, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to miss you.

Movin' and Groovin'

2009-05-15T12:57:00.005-04:00

wow. is it mid MAY already???

Things have been really trucking along in these parts... My Stepford business is slowly and steadily getting orders here and there... and I'm FINALLY finishing up my homework so Troy can eventually do all the coding to implement the design changes we've come up with these past few months.

Rhena's recital is coming up... she's very excited about it... and I am no longer a crazy stress bucket about the idea of having to put some make-up on her face. I still don't LIKE it.. but after last year, I know my baby isn't going to look like a southern whore, so I've come to some form of peaceful acceptance.

Next week is also the last week of preschool, and while I'm still a teeny bit bitter than Rhena will not be allowed to move on to Kindergarten (thank you state of North Carolina and your asinine new law that changed the cutoff date for age requirements)...I am VERY happy that Kidoodle Kreations came through for me again for the end-of-the-year teacher Thank you gifts.

Not sure if you remember, but last year, I had Kidoodle Kreations make some notecards from a project Rhena had done in school. This year, they turned another one of Rhena's projects (with a little digital editing of mine to add a quote about teachers) into some note cards, and they arrived today. YAY!

I totally recommend their services if you're looking for a cool personalized gift. and Carrie, the owner, is a real person... with a cool name to boot! Seriously, though. I've been happy both times, and will continue to give her business cause I think she's got a quality product and service going.

so that's that. My folks come down next wednesday to take part in the recital festivities... so yay for that. and yay for fresh faces in this house cause I'm getting a LITTLE worn out of Danny being up in mine. but that's another story involving tantrums and explosive diapers, and well... just another story. trust me.

speaking of tantrums... time for me to supervise the lunching of the kids and get them down for some naps. If I don't get some laundry done today during nap time, Troy's bound to have an epic tantrum . or the piles in the closet will take life and attack us. either way, I'm thinking it ain't gonna be pretty.

have a good weekend, gang.

getting baked

2009-04-21T09:54:00.005-04:00

that title ought to bring out some interesting searches, huh?

not much to report in these parts. We're finally getting back into a routine again. Rhena was off from school for TWO weeks! it was a good two weeks... we had slumber parties, we played games.. did some little 'missions' here and there... but not much else to show for it, I'm afraid. the weather was pretty crappy, so we didn't get down to the botanical gardens yet.. and the strawberries have been delayed cause north carolina had an identity crisis this winter and had some ridiculously COLD weather.

this week has been personally slated as "get my shit done' week. I have been baking, I have boxed up old clothes...

I've also been playing Mafia Wars on facebook like it's my damn job. so addicting! BAD, Carrie!

but yes. doing the baking, doing some cleaning... maybe even one of these days I'll get all my shit written and handed over to troy so the new Stepford site will be up and running. but I have been baking. I really missed that during Lent.

Not that I COULDN'T bake during Lent.. it just seemed pointless if I couldn't TASTE what I was making. so now that the restraints are off again, I'm back to business.

ok! that's that. if anything profound happens, I'll let you know. in the meantime... enjoy this video of danny thrashing ... I mean DANCING... to some tunes while we waited in carpool line for rhena a few weeks ago. Apparently over the break he's decided he only wants broadway showtunes, so this might be the first and last time for a video like this.

Friday on my mind

2009-04-17T15:15:00.003-04:00

so here I am, in the middle of another nap time that took waaaaay too long to get here today.

wait... did I just say that out loud? yeah. I did.

my darling sweet lovable kids were terrors today. Danny threw a full-on tantrum that STILL has my ears ringing, and it's possible one of the kids bit the other one during a fight over dress shoes at one point. I saw no teeth marks, and given Rhena's tendency to exaggerate, this could be a fabricated ploy for sympathy... but who knows.

at any rate, the winds shifted and the kids were nothing but sugar later and we did get to spend some time at the park and do some food shopping. win-win. you know, except for that whole screaming terrors routine they were working earlier. can't forget that part.

So y'all know I love me some TV. I have a few shows that I watch regularly, and I do enjoy the escapes they provide. I like to be entertained, I really do. I mean.. who doesn't, right? the FORM of entertainment may be different for different folks, but nonetheless... we all like to be entertained in our own ways.

Troy doesn't like watching shows with me sometimes. you see.. I have this horrible habit of pausing whatever show we're watching to give him my prediction of how the show/movie/story will turn out. like the minute I think I've figured it out. I know, I know.. I'm one of THOSE people. seriously. don't ever take me to a movie. I'll just ruin it for you.

I will do the little 'blow-on-the-knuckles-and-polish-them-on-my-chest" move and say that I've got an about 90% accuracy rate when it comes to my guessing, too. which of course makes shit even THAT MUCH MORE annoying to others, cause then what's the point if there's no mystery to watch unravel.

I tease Troy and say it's cause I'm a gypsy (Hungarian heredity, thank you mom!) but the truth? how can I NOT figure out shit? does he not REALIZE how many MINI-DRAMAS I watch unfold like EVERY DAY with our kids??? I'm sure I have seen enough character development, plot building and rise and falling of main characters just in the morning we have to get Rhena ready for PRESCHOOL that we could surely open a summer theater camp. never mind my teaching days and Rhena's dance days where they are allowed to do free-play til like TEN in the morning (oh yes.. the extra half hour always allows for a few more storyline twists.)

I'm still trying to figure out how I can make a profit on this. I'm SURE if Steven Spielberg or Ron Howard were to sit with my kids for a week of mornings, there's be some fantasmic movies the following summer as a result. especially if special effects were added. and a soundtrack. PLEASE a different soundtrack. cause really? Rhena's made-up dance routines are fun; but watching her dance to "margaritaville" with a large fake plant are starting to border on 'concerning behavior'.

oh and while I'm at it.. James Patterson, if you're reading?? I have a GREAT idea for a novel for you. it involves a stay at home mom who loses her shit. really. call me. we could be fabulous together. just ask my kids.

something

2009-04-13T15:09:00.002-04:00

some times i feel like I just want to write. about anything, nothing.. the same shit, different shit, the fact that I took THREE shits yesterday (true story), but just SOMETHING.

other times.. which is usually MOST of the time... I've got nothin'. well, no.. that's not true. there's ALWAYS something going on.. this is the "apollo" after all....

but who wants to hear my dribble? especially when i should be folding laundry? or finishing up the shit I owe Troy for my Stepford site?

I suppose if you're reading this, there's some part of you that IS interested in my dribble. or you're looking for a reason to laugh at me. there's usually a few morsels of asshat behavior to go around in here, so i can understand that.

but yeah... I've been blogging more or less now for what.. 5 years? still don't consider myself a BLOGGER. and apparently i still wonder why people even read this here page. (again.. the occasions to point and laugh not withstanding.) hate all the blogitics with kissing this one's ass and being that one's reader. screw that! I don't even follow TV celebrities.... forget about following normal people who blog!

nonetheless... I still hear about things. call it third party exposure, background noise, or just perhaps newsworthy shit comes your way. like that whole brad-jennifer-angelina mess. like.. i don't even know who's with who or why or even CARE.. but i know enough to know they're all connected.

so needless to say, I've been at a loss lately now even with twitter. apparently, there's been a slew of babies of people who twit that have died within the past week or so. FUCK ME RUNNING. seriously. I can't go there. I mean.. I'm still trying to function from an ADULT dying... never mind take on the emotional hell of thinking about babies passing away.

don't get me wrong.. I find it horrible and tragic and gut-wrenchingly sad... I appreciate and respect the sentiments that are going around, and the visual displays of empathy and support are more than likely very healing to those hurting the most. I have already said a few prayers for the families that are suffering, and they will most likely not be the last ones I say.

but I'm just not strong enough to take that on. And maybe that's harsh, but for the pure simple sake of our family's financial state, MY emotional state, and wanting to have SOME semblance of HAPPY left in me to give to my own children... I gotta put the blinders on.

and I KNOW that's the right thing.. the blinders... cause again... how much can I take on before it begins to take away from the ones who need me the most??? but then I feel a little guilty. like I SHOULD be doing something. as a mother! as a Christian!! as a decent person who has a moral sense!!!

so yeah.. there's a TEENY bit of guilt there that I'm not leaving comments and turning things purple in memory of someone's dead child. but my truth remains that if Rhena or Danny were to die? the entire fucking WORLD could turn purple and it wouldn't matter to me.

it just wouldn't. it would be too late.

_________

my prayers go out to those of you who are suffering from the loss of a loved one. my only hope is that those of my readers with whom I have a personal relationship with will always know in their hearts the love and support I have for them.

FOR YOU, I will dye my entire body a color to ease your suffering. I will make my daughter stay dressed for once, I will make donations, I will bake cookies and ask strangers to do strange things. I would most likely do much more, but don't want to make suggestions cause a good percentage of you may actually make me follow through on these offerings.

for my own family, I would define the word limitless.

but I will not... CAN NOT... allow death to be a starting point. forgive me for that, but I prefer to be part of your LIVES.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T12:59:00.003-04:00

From our family to yours... Happy Easter!

Perspective

2009-04-08T20:58:00.003-04:00

So... we're closing in on another Easter. that's cool. you know.. if you're in to Jesus and all that. As y'all know, I'm on the Catholic plan... so Easter is celebrated up in here. so again.. yay for that!

It's been an interesting few months around here.... though clearly not THAT interesting, cause really? if I had something good to blog about I probably would have. and this blog has been collecting more dust than my china closet lately.

so no. not interesting, really. at least not what the general public may consider interesting. but I think I've said that already. (wow... talk about rusty journaling... I suck at blogging anymore! I can't even TYPE coherently. y'all are probably thinking.. shit.. she finally posts and THIS is what we get??? )

so what exactly DID I have to say?

lent. lent was good to me.

please note that I did not say lent itself WAS GOOD. no... I'm very cranky right now as I REALLY REALLY fucking miss coffee. STUPID! WHY did I give up coffee? does giving up coffee make Jesus love me more? DOUBT IT! and tea? meh. I've been drinking it for the caffeine... but I'm SO OVER IT. I neeeeeeeed a cup of coffee. really. with creamer. mmmmm. I can't wait til Easter.

but that bit aside.. Lent was good TO me. I fasted. I abstained. I chose differently. I took some time and actually walked the walk a little.

I wouldn't say I feel HOLIER. no.. I'm still a mess of a woman who gets cranky when things don't go right. DEFINITELY not more holy.

but I DO feel more at peace. (now the REALIST in me can argue that I feel more at peace because my jeans fit me again from the few pounds I've lost... ) but something.... I dunno. just feels more CONNECTED.

connected with WHAT... I can't quite say. perhaps myself. perhaps the world? can't tell. but I feel more appreciative. hopeful. inspired.

like.. I'm noticing all the GOOD that happens in the world again. I'm seeing people and relationships as inter-woven tapestries instead of compartmentalized blips you turn on when you need them. And I'm TOTALLY buying into the idea that my little good deeds and acts of kindness CAN inspire others to do likewise.

not that I didn't do things in the past. it's just that now I feel like my purpose for doing a good deed is to spread joy to someone else, and not for someone else to recognize me.

though I suppose that's a contradiction in a way. now more than ever I'm making sure that what I do is something that can and will be recognized by my children. well-- as something they, too, would like to do or say. but GENERALLY speaking... know what I mean?

Anyways. I feel... much like spring and Easter itself, I have, through this past Lenten Season, shed some darkness, and am rising up into a new season of me. I'm still mournful from Rachel's passing.... but rather than it be the reminder of sadness, guilt, and loss that I've allowed it to be since September, I'm starting to allow Rachel's LIFE be a reminder of how our time here together really truly IS a gift. A chance to do right by each other, to learn, and to teach.

and to just be fucking HAPPY already. know what I mean?

enough of the bitching and moaning of what isn't and what we don't have. Time to start taking stock of what it is we DO have... and more so.. start putting it to good use.

speaking of have and good use. I have 2 bottles of fat free vanilla creamer. Sunday's almost here, gang.

I believe in Angels

2009-02-12T08:42:00.003-05:00

so some random thoughts have gone through my brain this past week.

first off... I took Rhena and two of her friends to see the Charlotte Symphony's production of Cinderella this past weekend. that act alone brought up MANY thoughts.... one of which I am so happy to be done with two children. seriously.

fitting 3 car seats/boosters in the back of my car awakened the engineer in me, and being in a parking garage woke the acoustics specialists in Rhena and her two friends. holy good CRAP I had no idea three girls could be so loud. I mean.. WOW.

I learned that not all Cinderellas are created equal. period. and while I may have understood this notion starting several years ago when I would see different kids around the neighborhood dressed UP as Cinderella... (let's face it.. some girls need more than a fairy godmother to pull off the old Cinderelly getup) seeing my daughter see a production of the story done by a handful of actors and several puppets... well.. it's obvious that Cinderella can be different.

But this is good. I like knowing my child can be happy without a disney label slapped all over the place. the essence of the story clearly came through, and I did see the far-off-I-love-this-story-and-I-just-KNOW-some-day-my-dreams-will-come-true look in Rhena's eyes. That's magic. LOVE that magic.

What else. we met an usher named Rena. how cool is that? the woman was about equally gobsmacked when she heard me call to Rhena.... so much that she stopped me to ask if I just called her what she thought I called her. I would have loved to chat with her more.. but me and three girls ages 4-6 does not permit for much idle chat.

Oh.. here's one for you. the 6 year old of the group.. my neighbor's daughter??? she knows ABBA lyrics better than I do. and 'm not talking just that dumb assed Dancing Queen cause her momma forces her to listen to 80's crap music. I mean... there she was.... telling me to put on track 16 and 18 and specifically requesting "I had a Dream." I was impressed. like REALLY impressed. she'll get invited again, no doubt about that.

I'm taking the kids to the dentist today. Moosey's first visit. stress stress stress... I'm sure he'll do fine. we'll see.

I've been baking this week. like a LOT. I like baking.

alright. time to get my motor running. lots to do!

fixing bridges

2009-02-06T11:10:00.004-05:00

do you ever find yourself sitting back wondering "how the hell did THAT happen?"

sometimes mistakes happen, then time passes, and uh-oh... what was a teeny mistake a while ago turns into a hot mess of hurt feelings, unspoken anger and/or uncomfortable tension.

My kids in my CCD class made their first reconciliation last month, and when I was explaining the process to a neighbor, she commented on how horrific it sounds. I mean.. on one hand.. I totally agree... being 8 years old and telling some priest all the shit you've done wrong is NOT exactly one's idea of a good time. Much less being 30-hundred years old and fessing up to your wrong-doings.

But yet... what a process, huh? just taking pause, and saying "I'm sorry." and not "sorry.. but... whatever this and that reason"

just.. "I'm Sorry." powerful stuff.

So last year, I bitched and moaned to Kerrianne and Chris for 100 years about how I wanted a felt mustache. so Christmas cheer and glory... they sent it to me!

oh.. the plans I had!!!! I made about 1 1/2 dozen mustache cookies, and was going to wear the felt 'stache' while holding the PLATE of cookies... all while sporting my new chef coat that my parents gave me for my birthday.

then I lost the mustache. ugh. THEN... I never said anything. DUH! why NOT? I dunno. I really don't know. but now that i DIDN'T.. I feel like I'm walking around with this ELEPHANT of guilt. and the funny this is I'm out trying to do a bunch of good deeds for a bunch of OTHER people.. but still not addressing the two people I screwed up with. WTF is WRONG with me?!?!?

I should just take a lesson from my class.. oh wait.. the same lesson I've been teaching THEM (oh, the irony.. it's such a cruel cruel bitch...) and just say I'm sorry. and I was GOING TO.... but then I found the mustache!

so anyways..all's fine.. just apologize already, you dumb Polack! but now... I STILL procrastinate, and feel like I can make the apology BETTER by still sending the cookies... (though not the original batch. sadly, I never got around to taking that one picture... and between me, troy, and the kids.. cookies don't survive long in these parts. )

so this weekend, I'm hoping to just kind of whip up a batch of apology cookies, and hope the valentine's day aura of love helps them forgive me. if not for the initial losing of the stache... then hopefully for me just being so dumb and not being honest about what was going on.

SO to my favorite blogging couple in Oregon? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I really do feel like a dumbass for the way I let a simple mistake escalate into a THING, and I really hope y'all will accept the long-lost stache and my apology package.

_________

speaking of cookies.. I'm hosting a valentine's contest over on the baking blog. super easy to win, so go on over....

Really Rosie

2009-02-03T09:01:00.004-05:00

Last night, in the kids' pre-bed dance party, Troy had taken the lead while I could stay downstairs for a few minutes to ensure that the gagillion shows we watch were going to be properly recorded.

When I came upstairs, Carol King was BLARING some Chicken Soup with Rice. To add to the ambiance, the lights were out,and the kids were flickering their $1 barnyard animal flashlights and busting moves like only white people can do.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it was just the end of a really long and crappy day... but something about hearing Carol King just made me tear up. I wouldn't have said the tears were from joy or sadness... but it truly was this escape of emotion as I just sat, watched, and allowed myself to BE.

I LOVED Really Rosie growing up. I STILL love that soundtrack. What I love even more is seeing Rhena and Danny totally JAM to it, too. I don't think they're at the age where they can really just dive IN to the music and pretend they're there on Avenue P... but maybe.

My folks had gotten me the nutshell library some time back. It's one of my favorite collections. TINY little things... but the memories! I love them. A few times a year, I'll sneak away to my closet and flip through the books. it's so hard to even begin to describe the connection I have with those books... you just have to take my word for it. but it's good.

If you're at ALL familiar with the Really Rosie characters or Maurice Sendak, grew up in the 70's in the NYC metro area, or just plain looking for something cool to share with your kids... then the nutshell library, the soundtrack, the book, and any and all of the associated stuff is just awesome. Though.. truth be told... those nutshell library books are NOT for toddler hands. at least not Danny's. he could probably EAT the damn books if he wanted. Yes.. I would have much rathered.. as a parent... to see them in board books.

and also? I picked up another one of Sendak's books, In the Night Kitchen, one time when we were in the bookstore a year or two ago. hmph. I'd forgotten just how very NAKED the main character, Mickey, gets. and how very DETAILED the illustrations are.

anyways... enough of my reminiscing. It was, is, and I hope will CONTINUE to be a good time sharing things from my childhood with the kids. kinda like when Rhena recently saw the Little Mermaid for the first time, and I was able to pretty much quote every line in the movie. She was looking at me like I was some CHAMPION GOD descendant with inside secrets of Disney. hah. little does she know. LITTLE does she know, I say! But back to my point. That Carol King. I'm telling you.... she gets me every time.

"Believe me!"

Date night!

2009-01-24T14:22:00.002-05:00

so one of the things I touched on in the new year's letter to friends and family is that Troy and I are going to start having a monthly date night. I'm proud to say that tonight we have reservations at Ruth Chris, and I have a dress that miraculously still fits me after all the eating I've done this Christmas. ok.. so no miracle.. it's a stretchy material, and I bought it in the REGULAR women's size instead of the petite size. but still! even in the regular size it's a very single digit size, so that's good.

I could go on a really long tangent about my deep-rooted fear of become crazy fat again like I was when I was in nevada. and some people could easily get pissed off or more so have no sympathy cause my neurotic self-image makes me feel that me in a size 10 is absolutely disgusting, and for a while I was packing size 12s in nevada. this is not to say that I look at someone who may be a certain size with utter disdain. just myself.

but this is my blog and my issues, and I'm telling you my petite 4s are not fitting me and I feel fat. but hooray for psycho-crazy mind games... the dress I'm wearing tonight is a 4... albeit REGULAR size 4... but that knowledge that I can still wear a size 4 combined with a glass or two of wine will allow me to push through my OTHER deep rooted issues of lacking any semblance of a sex drive and perhaps.. just perhaps have a conjugal visit with my husband. just sayin'.

ok. not bad. only a short tangent.

so anyways. date night! tonight! babysitter.. SCHEDULED! annnd... the best part? well, not sure if this is the best part or just another really good part or what.. BUT... I already have our babysitter lined up for a date night in February! woooo! (see? TOTAL "WOO!" girl, I am, I am!) so yeah.. 2 for 2! this is big, people!

last year we gave ourselves a goal of going to 6... only SIX restaurants over the course of a year together. we went to 3. THREE. over a WHOLE YEAR. and only ONE of the restaurants was together. not good, dude.

so our date is tonight (WOOO!), and next month, our date is on valentine's day. TOTALLY corny, I know... but??? but! I have NEVER been on a date for valentine's day in MY LIFE. I have been out drinking... I have been home crying, I have been home sick, pregnant, or otherwise tending to a child in some form of distress... but never out with my man on the day itself.

so next month we continue our journey into LIVING together by having a date on V-day. again.. corny, I know. but corn is a vegetable, and I need to be on a diet, and vegetables are good for diets, so bring on the corn.

and wine.

you know... just a glass or two.

Back in Black

2009-01-19T12:26:00.002-05:00

New year, huh?

I suppose it is. For that... hooray. I always like starting a new year. not as much as celebrating my birthday or going out to dinner... but new years work for me.

As you can see... I canned the pink. it'll be back, cause let's face it.. I do love pink. but for now... I'm working the black. It's slimming, no?

This is going to be another re-building year for me, gang. let's face it.. Rachel passing away flat out knocked me on my ass. I'm still nowhere near ok with her being gone... but I gotta get moving again. I was consumed with guilt a lot these past three months... and overall just lost and paralyzed. wait.. have I said this before? either way. it is what it is.

I sent out New Year's cards (instead of the christmas card) and included a letter to our friends and family in which I touched on some resolutions and the general state of life here in the house o' cze-johnson.

I'd talk about them now, but most of the few left who still check here probably already GOT the card, and really? I just wanted to get this obligatory first post over with. oh, and apparently one of the batteries in a fire alarm is going out, cause I hear a chirping.. a loud, ear-piercing CHIRPING which will SURELY wake up the sleeping child whom shall remain nameless but holy good LORD I need that boy to be napping right now... so I'm gonna go get that taken care of. that chirping needs to stop.

cause you know... naps are good. mommy NEEDS the kids to nap.

just sayin'.

Still. just... still.

2008-11-24T13:39:00.003-05:00

Yes. I'm still here. mostly there, but still here.

There really are no proper words as to why I haven't been posting. The biggest factor is that it's 4th quarter. I feel like I have literally been going non-stop since September. between the new school year, Rachel's passing, Rhena's birthday, consignment sale, the Avon Walk, Halloween, Trying to appeal the new scholastic birthday cutoff date that will be taking effect in NC next year (means rhena will not be able to attend kindergarten with the rest of her class cause she will miss the new date (which she currently meets by well over a month, btw) by being a mere 17 days too late starting NEXT year, a kick-ass round of bronchitis that has EVERYONE out of sorts, Danny's birthday, and now with thanksgiving, birthdays, christmas parties and all THAT fun stuff.... mix it all up with the REGULAR happenings like cooking, cleaning, laundry, take a shower and shit occasionally... and again.. I'm busy.

and tired.

Also? two other things. One.. I've been working with Troy a lot on a side project. I'll do a big reveal in the new year... once we can tweak a few more things.. but it's exciting. SOME of you may know what it is already.. it's not a complete secret.. but I'm also not willing to go totally public yet. so just 2 more months.. I promise. more info is coming.

ANYWAYS.

the other thing I'm finding is that maybe I'm a little TOO publicly available. Now there's the rub. the girl who wanted all that attention is now thinking maybe it's not such a great thing? I mean... I'm not out doing anything I need to be embarrassed about... so that's not an issue...

I guess I just have less to say? or maybe the more 'real people' that know of my blog, the more filters I feel I need to have. But that would insinuate that I'm either talking shit about everyone or leading some secret life that I'm afraid of friends finding out about. And that's not the case, either.

now.. that's not to say I don't talk shit. I certainly do plenty of that. But how much negativity can one person promote? And really? in the olden days when it was just a bunch of random readers and a handful of family around the country that read of my adventures and trips into embarrassing situations.. it was fun. cathartic. validating. safe.

can I REALLY say here on my blog that I had the shits so bad the other night I thought my boobs were going to implode? well.. I guess I CAN, as I just DID... but do I need my neighbors knowing that? I dunno. double standard, I guess. I mean... it's ok if you live across the country and know my bowel and menstrual habits.... live on my street, and suddenly... shit's not so funny anymore.

literally.

Anyways. I need to re-search myself and remember why I blog. I think once I can sit down and find the time to figure that out.... I can get back to doing so. Maybe this will become just another window for people to see into my/our lives. I mean... it always HAS been... but there's no doubt that lately the blinds have been shut.

And part of me misses blogging. there is SUCH a good world of people (readers and writers and friends and strangers alike) that I have been very blessed to have come across in the past four years of being on the net. But then I get back to being busy again.. and bleh. so even though I'm not INCLINED to write anything lately.. I still like the IDEA of blogging.

anyways. I'll get there.

but now? for now I'm still here. just... very still.

See you on the other side!

2008-10-24T21:25:00.002-04:00

ok... first of all.. thank you SOOOO much to the awesome awesome AWESOME words of support y'all have given me these past 2 days.

I had my event eve check-in this evening.. I met 5 of my team members (hoping to meet the other six tomorrow... praying that they show up????) They're great, and this weekend is going to be amazing. I just know it. all my hesitations about this one or that one being team leader are gone, and I'm ready to just go and do what I signed up to do.

I stopped at Target on the way home for 2 last must-have items.. I bought a shower curtain to lay under the sleeping bag.. cause did I mention it's raining here? also got a foam pad so it's not just grass and gravel on my ass, too.

I packed the bag and popped my camera battery into the charger... attempting to set up my text messaging so I can update my twitter this weekend... but who knows if that'll work. if not.. I'll be blogging about the walk next week.

again... thank you all so much. the donations, the encouragement... each of you has been SO GENEROUS time and time again. really.. I was just reading through some back comments, and some of the notes y'all left when you made your donations.... I am like FLOATING right now with the love. I promise you, I plan on giving that back out to the walkers this whole weekend.

thank you all. you'll be with me this whole weekend!

And to my financial donors? I seriously can not express in enough words how much I appreciate you giving money to this cause. I know we all have our reasons for donating... but I truly feel blessed to be associated to your giving.

+ Mom and Dad + Uncle Roy and Aunt Karin + Hector + Avani , Nimish, and Rushabh + Jody, Brad, Dov and Zoe + Fergie, Jamie, and Jackson + Jessica, Mike, Blake and Bella + Jennifer + Maria, Joel, Maddie, Adian, and Clara + Troy, Rhena and Danny + Mom and Dad J. + Stacey, Matt, Emma, and Sophia + Alanna, Todd, and AJ + Marianna + Cathy, Mike, Quinn and Liam + Erin and Chris + Suser, Dan, Liam and Seamus + Kate, Kurt, Max and Georgia + Erin, Marc, and Mason + Nancy, Mike, and Annie + Kelli, Mathew, Kendal and Ava + Hännikins and AHP +

I can't wait to tell all the walkers and crew members I meet about each and every one of you, and how you're not just supporting me.. but them as well. Like I said... you'll be with me all weekend!

now.... it's time for me to get some shut-eye. I need to leave the house by 3:30am... and it seems to be getting closer as I type!

xxoo

see you on the other side!

Stressing Out

2008-10-23T09:17:00.002-04:00

So this weekend is the Avon Walk.

I am stressing out.

On one hand, I'm VERY excited to be doing the walk again. After losing Rachel, my affiliation with the fight against breast cancer came to very razor-sharp focus. So there is no question in my mind that this weekend is as necessary as BREATHING to me right now.

however.

Did I mention I'll be camping overnight?

uh-huh.

me. in a tent.

I know, I know.. quit my bitching... I don't even have to walk this year, so sleeping in a fabric contraption on the cold wet ground outside with bugs is the LEAST of the physical sacrifices my body can make for this cause.

but still.

I haven't even attempted putting UP a tent since I was in the girl scouts... and judging by my calculations.. I think that was ABOUT twenty years ago. if not, longer. so there's that.

also?? I'm kind of fearing the team leader thing. If I'm being PERFECTLY honest.... this was not something I signed up for last year. I mean.. I was thinking I would be WALKING this year. then.. you know.. the whole broken toe and shower-door incident. So, ok.. decided to crew.

turns out I was put on a team where the leader MAY or may NOT show up for the weekend of the walk. not once did I get contacted... not once did I get welcomed. but whatever.. I was all new to the crewing thing.. didn't know what to expect.

The week after Rachel died, the Coordinator for the entire crew for the Charlotte walk sent me an e-mail and asked if I wanted to be a co-team leader... explaining that the current leader may not make it the weekend of the walk, and someone should be a point of contact for the team for the event.

ok. So I committed to doing that... and over the past month I have attempted to contact the other leader about 3 times. I WANTED to contact the entire team.. but didn't want to step on any toes... so I kept my attempts to the other leader.

I never heard back from her. NORMALLY... this would have been my green ticket to just bulldoze my way into the group and take over.

BUT I DIDN'T.

I really can't explain why I haven't. I ALSO can't explain why I lost my gumption to confront the coffee shop as to why I didn't see my donation pig on display... or at the very least ask for it back. I just have chickened out.

I do not like feeling like I'm sitting with my tail between my legs... too frightened to go forward, too timid to go back and confront. but yet.. here I am.

I NEED to man up and contact the team, cause I know for sure if I was on the other end I'd be frustrated that I hadn't heard anything yet, and the walk is this weekend. And it's clear the other leader is a flake. (not saying she doesn't have a reason.. just that it is what it is, and she has been totally void of communication.)

I also need to pack my gear bag. and food shop so Troy can keep our kids well-nourished this weekend while I'm at the event. and wash the sleeping bag. and write my thank you notes to everyone who has supported the cause, Rachel's passing, or just me in general.

perhaps 'stressed out' is not the word I'm looking for. Overwhelmed may be more like it.

anyways... I'm here. I'm excited. nervous. ready. TOTALLY not ready.

sigh.

I'm going to go breathe into a paper bag or something.

Santa Baby!

2008-10-18T14:21:00.007-04:00

It started innocent enough. I clicked on to Amazon so I could order my coffee. Of all the coffees I've tried for our super-fab machine.. I love Emeril's the best. Mind you, I still think HE is an annoying tool... but MAN he has some good recipes. and this coffee is top notch.

anyways... turns out there are some new books out.

Giada has a new cookbook. so does Elisa.

I know, I know.. you thought I was going to talk about a REAL book.. like a story. please. it took me 6 months to get through Wicked, and I'm on month 2 of reading Son of a Witch. Sadly, I only really get to read a section or two at a time when I'm in the toilet room.. and being that I don't always get the chance to take a quiet poop every day... UPSTAIRS for that matter... it takes me a while to get through books.

(which.. side note... what IS the toilet room called? like when the toilet is in a room by itself from the rest of the stuff like the shower, sinks, tub, etc... commode? shitter? really.. no clue here!)

And has anyone read the newest in that series yet? A Lion Among Men? I'll probably be ready for it like NEXT year at the rate I'm reading. but that's ok.. cause by then either my parents or my brother will have bought and read it, and I can just borrow it from them.

so yeah yeah yeah. cookbooks. but not just ANY cookbooks!

First up.. Elisa.

LOVED her original confetti cakes book. not only did it have some GORRRRRGEOUS cakes, but THE most adorable cupcakes.. and cookies!!! I love her work, I really do. now she's got a book of kids' cakes. I saw an excerpt that said she's got farm animal cookies in here. uh.. ding-dong! Danny's b-day party theme is farm stuff!!! I may not be able to wait til Christmas. or even my birthday. (I feel justified in that, though, as both occur AFTER danny's party.. and really.. me getting this book would only be for HIM. right?)

Really.. if you EVER wanted to be inspired to do more than a regular cupcake, cake or cookie.. Elisa's your girl. she has very clear-cut instructions and often templates as well. If I ever meet her in person I may just chew on her a little. like she's THAT good. I don't just go around claiming I want to eat people, you know. cute babies, yes.. but adults? am I painting the picture yet?

ok.. and my other woman crush... Giada. I do not know WHAT it is about her.. but I just LOVE HER. like even her annoying way of saying things as she smiles too wide is ok by me!!! Rachel Ray says EVOO and I want to flick her forehead. (btw.. thank you Jody.. that debate visual has been with me ever since, and I TOTALLY want to do it to every annoying person on TV now!)

But Giada?? she's got me. and I love her food! my WORD do I love her food. from her espresso brownies to the macaroni and cheese.. ooh! and she's got a roasted red pepper aioli.. SO GOOD! mmmm.. now I want grilled eggplant. ISSUES, I tell you. I have no idea how she stays so thin. maybe I really hate her? no.. I love her. like crazy stalker love. (there.. I said it. I want to stalk her.)

so I imagine it won't be long before this book makes it to my kitchen as well.

however... now I just realized it's going to be a long week for me. I noticed that amazon is out of stock of my coffee. (that's what I get when I save my linking til last in my post!) damnit.

I guess the up side is that I won't be tempted to add Giada or Elisa to my order. the down side, of course, is that I need to go find my coffee. cause I promise you.. there's a LOT of things I can handle. being without coffee is NOT one of them.

have a great weekend, gang!

If you're ghetto and you know it, clap your hands!

2008-10-17T14:35:00.004-04:00

I am full on APPLAUDING over here.

I know. I AM GHETTO. I am SO GHETTO in so many ways.... go ahead and ask around... I'm sure any person that knows me could come up with at least ONE example of how I am ghetto. but I'll save you that trouble and offer up some of my better moments in a friendly round of "Have you ever...."

so.. without ado, I ask you, dear reader....

Have you ever -

smuggled travel sizes of vodka, a knife, sugar packets and lemons into club so you could do 'free shots' in the bathroom?
used the same make-up pencil as a brow liner, EYELINER, AND lip liner?
pretended you were pregnant when in actuality you were walking slow because your 'bump' was really 4 opened cans of beer that you wanted to bring back to your seats in a concert and not chug in the beer garden? (fyi.. this works very well if you also have a friend that is willing to flirt unmercifully with the beer garden security as you try to wobble by unnoticed...)
been in church with your two kids by yourself with no diaper bag, have your youngest make a gigantic poop, go to the bathroom, pluck the poop out, flush it, and put the diaper back on him? Did you also stick an apple-scented antibacterial wipe in between his pants and diaper hoping the people around you wouldn't smell the trace poop/skid marks left on the diaper?
use an iron (as in CLOTHES IRON) to straighten your hair? (ok.. I've actually never done that but my college roommate in the dorms used my iron to straighten HER hair and I haven't gotten over it. I mean.. SERIOUSLY!)
refuse to pay $20 for a pair of shoes for your daughter's halloween costume because you could spray paint a pair she already has? ok, maybe that's not so much ghetto as frugal... but still.. it's not like we can't afford the $20 shoes.
poured 'store brand' V-8 juice into the V8 container because your husband will only drink brand name juices and you know there's no WAY on this green earth that he can tell the difference?
stayed at the IP, prefunked, or had the buffet at Spearmint Rhino? (believe me.. if you have... I don't need to explain this one!)
bought your daughter (and let her WEAR) boys' underpants because she liked Thomas the Train so much, and saved them so your son can wear them some day now that she's outgrown her love for Thomas?

anyways.. I'm sure I could go on, but I actually need to spend the rest of today's nap time putting another coat of red glitter spray paint on rhena's old shoes.

happy weekend, gang!

TOTALLY one of those days

2008-10-15T14:54:00.004-04:00

This morning was one of those perfectly stepford mornings.

Both kids were up, fed, dressed and ready (as well as in the car and buckled!) 15 minutes before we typically fly out of the house to get rhena to school only a few minutes late.

I was wearing my contacts! and a skirt! the sun was shining, and with LESS than 50% humidity.. we were ready for another day in the mid-80s.

Came home, hand-washed some dishes, and began making a pumpkin spice cake. Boy child was happy! music was playing! and yes... the sweet smells of pumpkin were beginning to make their way through the house.

I said something on twitter that I half expected to see a cartoon woodland animal show up and start singing to me. kinda like this:

I know.. Blame Rhena. all these damn Disney princess videos I'm having to watch are starting to creep into my everyday thinking. it's freaky.

So I KNEW all was too good to be true... the cakes? came out perfect. There was even a little extra batter to make 6 muffins/cupcakes.

Then... then I started the cream cheese maple frosting. And danny came and hugged me. (hear the birds? c'mon.. I know you do!)

screeeeeeeeeeeech!

yes. this is where my perfect morning came to a shit-assed stop.

literally.

Danny took a MAN-sized crap, and the smell not ONLY overpowered the once-delightful aroma of pumpkin spice in my kitchen.. but kinda crept up my nostrils and CHOKED ME. like JOLT TO THE BRAIN make you GAG CHOKING!!!!

fine.

we have perfection in cake form... this will not stop me.

change Danny's diaper, SCRUB hands in antibacterial.. and resume.

cream cheese. butter. maple syrup. powdered sugar... mmmm. mmmmmm. uh... HUH! ACK! what the??

GAAAAAH!

Danny crapped again.

seriously. I KNOW!

so anyways. take him upstairs... get him all cleaned up... come downstairs, SCRUB HANDS.. get back to my frosting.

hmm... frosting is just about filling up the kitchen aide (decided to do a double batch, cause mmm.... cream cheese frosting! with 100% pure maple syrup!).. but the frosting is... runny. hmph.

maybe add some more powdered sugar. taste. ok.. a BIT sweet.. but not bad. still runny... still runny. holy what the.. DANNY!

again my boy shits.

go upstairs AGAIN and get the boy cleaned up. At this point.. my nose feels permanently STAINED with poop smell. I'm verging on gagging, and crap smell has taken over both floors of the house. SCRUB hands again (getting slightly raw now) and get back to frosting.

I decide to let it sit in the fridge for a bit while I slice one of the cakes and chop pecans for garnish. sure enough, it firms up a bit... only to turn into a sloppy mess when I put some on the cake.

it was ugly, people. and at this point.. Danny, who apparently is now like 6 pounds lighter, decides he's HUNGRY and will not let go of my leg.

Where are my birds? where are my cartoony woodland creatures that will bring my prince and make my feet look cute? I'll tell you where they are....

thank you. thank you very much. Now.. for your information.. I'm going to go eat my perfect spice cake and wash it down with a shot of cream cheese frosting.

outside.

where it doesn't smell like poop.

And so it grows....

2008-10-14T13:49:00.002-04:00

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for this post. I'm still a bit out of practice with my blogging habits, so I imagine this will be choppy and full of tangential thoughts at best.

I've been very 'off' since Rachel's death. not the full-on depressed and mournful as I was in the beginning of September... but yet.. I've been feeling raw. exposed. weak. tired?

like I said.. off.

Don't get me wrong.. things are returning to normal. Rhena's back in school, we have our schedules to keep, I'm baking again, and just life in general is just moving right along. this is good. Even though for quite a while I have just been going through the motions of life and not necessarily FEELING them.. I look with confidence on those actions in a way that I can say at least I was moving.

But this moving along has brought me back to a sense of remorse.. kind of similar to what I felt when I first discovered I was pregnant with Danny. not that I was sad that I was pregnant with our second child.. no.. I was SO deeply happy and feeling blessed about that. but yet... I felt a nagging guilt that i WAS pregnant, and I had friends that were still unable to conceive. I even kept the news from my cousin Rachel for several months because I felt guilty that she would never be able to be pregnant again.

Nowadays, I see myself trudging forward in my daily activities... little by little moving on and becoming whole again... and once again I feel guilty because Rachel can not. who am I kidding. because Rachel is no more. It's not right. and don't get me started about it not being fair.

so yeah.. there's that. and I KNOW I need to let it go, and accept. and I am. I have. ok... I'm trying.

but the guilt. and anger. the anger more than anything. like the kind of anger that makes me actually see myself punching someone. like a real Rocky Balboa punch.. not some weak-wristed bitch slap. bleh. I'm trying.

The walk (and my involvement in it) is helping. To date... over $1600 has been raised... and I have some piggy banks out in the community, hoping to wrangle in more just on spare change and generosity of strangers.

The walk is next weekend.. October 25-26th. Being there and around all that PURPOSE is surely going to be healing. It was last year.... and I didn't even think I needed it last year. This year? I NEED that walk. I need to be around survivors and others who have lost and are still living and know that it's ok to say goodbye. Because as much as I know it in my head... I still can't wrap my heart around it.

Anyways... I was pruning the trees in our front yard yesterday, and it really made me think about all of this. Rachel, me, loss, moving on... the works. I hacked and sawed major branches off. big, leafy, HEALTHY limbs from the tree. gone. When I was done with the two trees, there was a MOUNDS of branches on the ground. like taller than my kids MOUND.

It made me wonder if the tree knew I knew how it felt. I mean.. over time.. pruning those limbs away will be healthy for the tree. It will be taller, stronger.. BETTER for having lost them.

still.

Last night I went back out and cut up the pruned branches to be placed in our yard waste bin. I looked at the trees. While I feel I was pretty conservative in my pruning yesterday... I couldn't help but notice those open spots on the trunk. they were ME.

now if I was a good writer, I'd find some poetic way to end this ramble that would encourage you all to comment.. but I'm not. I'm just a girl who misses her cousin and is trying to deal with that. Take my word when I tell you that I'm here and I'm fine. or at least I will be. me and the trees.

Thank You Momma GT

2008-10-13T11:03:00.004-04:00

ok... no secret I'm in a blogging funk lately.

Thanks to Momma Ginger Tree for tagging me. more thanks for it being easy. The rules are to choose the sixth photo from your sixth album and post it along with a description or the story behind it. There's no rule saying I have to tag anyone else.. so even better.

I went on to shutterfly, and my sixth album happens to be the birth of Rhena. The sixth picture is one of me laying in the hospital bed.. moments after another voracious puke session. I'm gonna spare you that picture, cause really? do we NEED to see me big and pasty? didn't think so.

So since I'm bucking the rules, I'll endow myself with bad luck and pick picture #13.

This is the very first moment I saw Rhena. September 17, 2004. She was eight days late, and after being in the hospital with contractions for about 18 hours... her heartbeat kept dropping. Despite the 12+hours of pitocen, my dilation hadn't progressed past 6cm . and did I mention we were told the baby's heartbeat was getting weaker?

We went with the C-section, and had an amazing nurse in the OR who took these pictures for us. I can't remember his name, but to have this picture? it's been a wonderful gift.

See her arm hanging down? she was reaching towards me. I didn't get to physically hold her until about an hour later.. but that moment she reached out was the instant she grabbed my heart.

She just turned four last month, and to this day... when she looks at me a certain way or reaches out helplessly yet purposely? I'm right back there in the operating room in Reno... unable to move yet soaring in space; just from her love alone.

Down for Maintenance

2008-09-30T07:48:00.004-04:00

so I know.. CLEARLY something has been going on over here.

lately... I've been a little down. Not the huge depressing sad way I was when Rachel passed away.... but still... down.

I have lots to say and share, but meh... just haven't had it in me. no blogging, no baking, not e-mailing or sending letters... just... going through the motions kind of.

but I'm working on that.

I think we've just about settled into our new routines for the year. By the power of all things holy associated to time management... we only really have ONE major task each day. Rhena has school on monday, wednesday, and friday... *I* teach class on tuesdays, and then we have to get Rhena to dance school on thursday. So really.. not bad at all. not too overwhelming, but definitely that kick in the ass such that we have to get out of the house every day.

Danny has been behaving better... I think he's happy to have his one-on-one time with me back. Not that we johnson women tend to be CONTROLLING or anything.. but I think Rhena tends to push him around a little when she's here.

And he's SUCH a moo moo. love him, I really do. and HE loves his girlfriends. he's got a few regular ladies he sees here and there, and MAN he throws on the charm for them. He's also perfected a 'wounded' look these days... so make no mistake, he's got the flair for drama like his sister. I haven't caught him looking in the mirror while practicing crying and sad faces yet... but he sure does love an audience.

As for Rhena... well.. she turned four. That's just nuts. The things she says and asks me about are mind-boggling. We have one more appointment for her nose coming up... a while back in august we had one of her nostrils cauterized to stop the incessant bleeds she's been getting since birth. It wasn't a pretty process, but the results have been amazing for the one nostril that was done. So we've opted to get the other side done so she can (hopefully) be done with her nose bleeding 5 or more times a week.

I looked into the work I need to do to get Rhena into kindergarten next year (what open houses we needed to attend, what registration forms and/or applications we needed to fill out) but alas... next year will be the first year of North Carolina implementing a new cutoff date for minimum age of school entry. Currently she is within the cutoff by about 4 weeks to spare... next year she will MISS the new cutoff by 2 weeks. That has been a tough pill to swallow for me. I've exhausted myself trying to find some loophole or testing process that would allow her to progress to kindergarten next year with her peers that she has been attending school with... but no luck.

meh. All will be fine.... it was just one more thing on the pile.

The election has been weighing on me very heavily. but I'm not ready to go there right now. Let's just say I've seen a LOT of stuff I don't like, and sadly... not enough things have been done or said that I feel I can believe in. but whatever. I'm not going there now.

NOW.... I'm going to get off this thing and flip the laundry and rassle the group to go food shopping. and prepare my lesson. and finalize my pitch for someone to get them to donate to the cancer walk. oh, and you know.... do the parenting thing. apparently the kids need supervision during the day. WTF is up with THAT?

Take it easy, crew. I'll be around again.. eventually.

Back in the Saddle

2008-09-16T13:45:00.004-04:00

hmmm. I think I've used this title before. seems like I make a habit of breaks from blogging.

oh well.

Things are in full swing 4th quarter here, gang. just as well. last week was emotionally tough, and the distraction is actually nice.

Tonight is my first class for CCD. apparently we have 14 kids this year. I'm with a new partner, too.. cause my partner in crime decided to do some silly shit like MOVE TO NJ to be with her husband. pshaw! what's THAT about??? I jest. I just miss her, is all.

My new partner is very nice. I do not think she has an inkling of the train wreck that I really am... but alas.. we all have to find out things in our own way.

speaking of own way.. Tomorrow the boogie-loo turns four. say WHAT??? on one hand I find it hard to believe it's been a whole four years.. but being perfectly honest, it surprises me that Rhena has only BEEN IN MY LIFE for four years. but that's another post.

but anyways. 4th quarter is here, and all the craziness that comes with it. Have coffee... will handle.

catch you soon, gang.

Going forward by going back

2008-09-12T19:45:00.003-04:00

AS you know.... last week, my cousin Rachel lost her battle with breast cancer. Originally I got the call from my mom, and I had THOUGHT I was going to get to drive up to jersey and see her in the hospital to cheer her on one last time.

Sadly, this was not meant to be, and Rachel passed away that very afternoon.

This caused me to be in a world of hurt on SO many levels. I'm not sure if there are scientifically proven levels of grief... but I'm sure I took a turn on all of them. Sadness, Shock, Anger, Denial, Avoidance, Depression, Emptiness, and more recently... Acceptance.

I have TRULY been on such a roller coaster of emotions this past week that it is only now, in my own home, that I am beginning to feel at peace.

I did SO much thinking this past week, and on my drive back to NC today. In the wee small hours of the morning, as we started our trek home today... I happened to catch a (distant) view of the solitary beam of light from the World Trade Center. It was still lit from yesterday, and it was quite the kick in the ass. I had been SO CONSUMED with my own loss, I had really forgotten that other people are hurting, too.

Yet.. despite whatever was happening in each of our worlds.... I found myself with a stream of e-mails, phone calls, text messages, cards, and comments offering condolences and support for MY loss. Tonight... a manager from Dressler's (a restaurant Troy and I like to go to) showed up at my door with six different entrees and some of their signature desserts. SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT COOKING.

This was a gift from my girlfriends... NONE of whom actually live in this town or even have MET Rachel. And did I mention that this restaurant does NOT deliver? Nonetheless... despite remembering their own friends and family lost on 9/11, facing hurricanes, being on cruises, having sick children, and just regular life struggles in general (to name a few)... these women were taking care of me.

Looking back on this past week, I can truly say I am humbled. I am blessed for the friends, family and acquaintances I have in this life, for in THEIR recognition of my loss.... I have gained a true appreciation for the kindness and light that surrounds me regularly. Yes... Rachel is gone. Her departure has and will continue to bring heartbreak, suffering and loss to those who loved her, and for those who will never get the chance to know her.

But to all of you? thank you. Your words, your prayers, YOUR ACTIONS have not gone unnoticed, nor will they be forgotten.

again... thank you.

Wisdom

2008-09-11T10:02:00.002-04:00

I was asked to do a reading at my cousin Rachel's funeral. In continuation of my inability to put my feelings into words, I offer these thoughts:

A reading from the Book of Wisdom:

The just man, though he die early,
shall be at rest.
For the age that is honorable comes not
with the passing of time,
nor can it be measured in terms of years.
Rather, understanding is the hoary crown for men,
and an unsullied life, the attainment of old age.
He who pleased God was loved;
he who lived among sinners was transported -
Snatched away, lest wickedness pervert his mind
or deceit beguile his soul;
For the witchery of paltry things obscures what is right
and the whirl of desire transforms the innocent mind.
Having become perfect in a short while,
he reached the fullness of a long career;
for his soul was pleasing to the LORD,
therefore he sped him out of the midst of wickedness.
But the people saw and did not understand,
nor did they take this into account.

___________________

Make a difference. Visit Rachel's Memorial Page, or my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer page.

Still no words

2008-09-07T13:09:00.003-04:00

The words still escape me.

Rachel's wake will be Tuesday, and the funeral will be Wednesday.

I didn't think I could handle the drive today, so I will be leaving tomorrow.

In the meantime, I would like to extend my thanks to so many of you who have reached out to ME during this time. I feel guilty in receiving such an outpouring of love, because TRULY... my emotional needs PALE in comparison to what Rachel's surviving husband and daughter must need.

Please take a moment to visit this site that has been set up as a memorial for Rachel. SO MANY of you have already contributed to the Avon Walk at my request, and that itself is such a tribute to women and families like Rachel. Please do not feel obligated to donate to Rachel's fund... but if you could spare a kind word? There is a 'notes' section, and while Rachel herself may not be able to read the sentiments left... we as her friends and family can. More importantly, Rob and Lindsay can.

http://therachelswanfund.org/

Thank you all again. your compassion and kind words have truly been a grace to me during these sad, sad days.

Lost

2008-09-05T10:22:00.003-04:00

I just got a call from my mom.

My cousin Rachel entered the hospital this morning. The doctors are not hopeful, and it may only be a matter of time at this point.

I really have no words at this point. just please... keep her, her husband Rob, and her 4 year old daughter Lindsay in your prayers.

________________

edited to add:

Rachel passed away this afternoon. I'm sure I will post more at a later date... but for now, know she is finally free from cancer. Amen, and rest in peace, Rachie.

SO MUCH going on!

2008-08-23T13:20:00.003-04:00

Well, it's Saturday.... and there's lots going on in these parts.

First up... I'm still taking song suggestions for this week's Mix Tape. It's the last week, so it'd be nice to have a good turnout. if you haven't already.. go play!

Second... I'm hosting a CONTEST over at Crumbles..... looking for names for my newest Happy Jane creation. I'll be taking comments all week, then put them to a panel of judges for a vote. Winner gets a free batch of Happy Janes made especially for them... can you say YUMMY? so go check it out, do some thinking, and take a chance!

This afternoon... troy and I will be taking the kids to Carowinds.... we're doing the after-4pm route.. cause 1 - it's cheaper, 2 - the kids have attention spans of GNATS... so no use paying the full amount for a few hours. Plus factor in the BALL ASS HEAT we have here, and it does help to wait til the later parts of the day.

Speaking of Troy.... While his spine/neck still seems to be slipped (read MANGLED).. the pain has been dissipating some. Not that I actually know this for sure.. but he seems to be less and less cranky these days. so hoorah for that!

ALSO.. my husband is slowing joining the world of technology. ODD, as all the man does is web developing and boring stuff like that. He just joined Twitter... so if you're interested in C++ java java DLL to the ICP in sequel formation (or whatEVER in hell that crap means) go check him out. Or if you know someone else who twits about that stuff.... send them troy's way. (ps.. secretly loving what a rookie troy is in a computer-related thing. HAH)

alright.

time for me to pack some bags so that I may smuggle some snacks into amusement central. oh.. and did I tell you I got my new glasses??? very funky. They match my roots. which, NO.. is not a good thing. but at least I can laugh. I do like the glasses though.

alrighty... have a great weekend!

MIX TAPE - LAST CHANCE DANCE

2008-08-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

aaaah, yes. Summer is coming to a close. Labor day is rapidly approaching, and while it will still remain HOT AS BALLS here in the south for another good 3 months or so....

tis time to retire the mix tape.

now now.. fear not. I WILL keep the player up in my sidebar, and I think when all is said and done, I may make one last 'master mix' of all the songs that were suggested these past 2 months. now understand that will give y'all a grand ole hodge-podge of tunes to listen (or SKIP) through... but it will be fun to keep the tunes playing, regardless of not having a new topic each week.

and who knows? I may get my shit together and bring back another round of the mix tape come the fall or winter when I catch my breath and get into a routine again. but for now... I think it's time for me to hang up my links and start focusing on fall. or you know... the season in which we have hot weather in the last half of the year.

but blabbity blah. too much talk, not enough topic!!!

for this last week.. I would like for you all to give me a song (and ONE SONG ONLY!) that given all the money, magic and/or miracles in the world.... what ONE SONG would you want performed for you LIVE by an artist?

That's right. picture it. you. the artist (or band). one song. performed BY THEM, FOR YOU... right in front of you. (mood lighters not included, but yes.. you can invite as many friends as you want to gloat in the glory that this band or artist is performing for YOU AND ONLY YOU.)

being that this is the last week for the mix.. you have until MONDAY NIGHT to make your comment. one extra day to think about it, and maybe even to tell a friend (or your mom and aunt like Angela does!)

so what do you say? what's your show stopper?

___________

edited to add: YES, you CAN bring back the dead for this special fantasy performance. Granted... it would HAVE to at least be someone who has been recorded singing the song... No fair saying you would have Jesus sing "Back in the USSR", for example.

But Elvis, John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash and their likes?? all included.

of Packages and Packages

2008-08-21T08:44:00.005-04:00

Hänni!! you're so fresh! I wasn't talking about THAT kind of package!

sheesh!

naaah. I'm talking about good old fashioned packages. as in mail.

first up.. I finished up the contents of one very special MONSTER TRUCK PARTY package. Two dozen cookies decorated with monster trucks.

I KNOW.

no really.. that monster truck shit is crazy. it's like NASCAR or something. like some entire WORLD of rednecks and just.. STUFF.

CLEARLY my little boy is neither of the monster or truck having age yet... cause this shit was NEW to me. (which side note.. how am I living in the deep south literally a stone's throw from the redneck capital of the world and not know a thing about monster trucks??? I mean.. I'm not complaining... but some level of me feels like I should know about this kind of stuff. at least insomuch as to protect myself from it? I mean.. I've never seen a vampire, but I know the garlic and cross and silver steak tricks. what's it gonna take to keep the monsters (trucks) away? Do I need Obama quotes on hand? perhaps a picture of Hillary? just sayin'....)

But alas... as any mother of an about-to-turn-four year old can attest... sometimes you just take one for the team (see "near future, as I put on a princess gala party for rhena's benefit")

And since I DO love this particular 4 year old OH so very much.... I researched the monster trucks and piped til my hands hurt. Check out the Crumbles blog for more pictures of these 'rockin' cookies.

so THAT package got done and has been sent out. Now.. I'm just sitting back and waiting for some packages to arrive to ME.

yup. I noticed that amazon is now like a mini FOOD STORE, and I was able to order some of my newest most favoritest coffee (for our snazzy jazzy coffee machine). Given that on any day I'm only going on about 4-6 hours of sleep.. you can imagine how I NEEEEEED my morning cup of coffee. So I'm TOTALLY waiting for that.

also.. cause I'm ghetto like that and appreciate free shipping... I added in a new book I've been eyeing up. It's called Hello, Cupcake. I flipped through it one afternoon when my folks were here and I was able to leave the house without the kids for a few hours.

it is THE most adorable book. inside features some cupcakes that look JUST like corn on the cob. and one page features some tv-dinner looking creation. I TOTALLY want to work that shit. I'll share more when I get it. but let's say I'm looking forward to that package.

anyways.. in other news... I was flipping through yet ANOTHER oriental trading catalogue. I need to stop looking at shit and just ORDER the stuff for rhena's party already. (or at the very least make some damn invitations) but I have to say a big hearty WTF to one page I saw recently. It was for some crafty things, and this 'page' featured frames and banners boasting that said child is DRUG FREE and PROUD OF IT.

uhhhh... is it ME, or does that image make you wonder how BAD shit must be when claiming to be drug free is a good thing for a kid that can't be more than FIVE YEARS OLD???? Makes me wonder just what and with WHOM the Oriental is trading. just saying.

ok. I'm off to make some new confections. if all goes well I'll have yet ANOTHER post for crumbles before the weekend is through.

peace out.. oh, and check back tomorrow for what I think will be the FINAL week/topic of the mix tape game.

The Little Engine that Could

2008-08-19T08:17:00.004-04:00

Dear Stepford Parents -

please stop. I'm not kidding. the parties are KILLING me. A couple of weeks ago, I took rhena to a birthday party at a house that made Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion look like a double-wide trailer. I shit you not... the POOL house alone was bigger than my backyard. Let's not mention the LOT that was sectioned off for the industrial PARK-sized play area, or the other lot they had for a volleyball court.

when my folks were here, we had yet another birthday to attend. This one was a Thomas theme, and for a little boy turning two on my street. Since it was at a house on my street, I knew I wouldn't have to feel TOO ghetto for gawking at everything I saw.

however.

They rented a little blue train. yeah.

so we all got on the train and it choo-chooed around the neighborhood. To say my kids were excited would be an understatement. To say that every child we passed on the street was JEALOUS would be an understatement. SO happy Danny still wears diapers, as he was squealing so much, I have no doubt he was pissing himself from excitement the whole time.

As for Rhena... the girl who had JUST had her nose cauterized and was STILL milking my guilt for having her go through the ordeal... well... she seemed to be able to rise above the pain for long enough to enjoy the train.

So while I am INDEED happy at how much my kids enjoyed attending these parties.. I'm STILL putting the plea out there for this kind of shit to stop. all I have are cookies, and the occasional cute invitation. kids are gonna be a tad disappointed when it comes to a Johnson party.

I jest. I love the parties, and I'm totally fine with what we do for our kids. I'm totally not gonna get into that whole 'keeping up with stepford' mentality. I mean.. if worse comes to worse... I MIGHT start putting REALLY LOUD toys and SUGARY CANDY in the favor bags.... but that's all.

party on!

Home On The Range

2008-08-18T07:57:00.002-04:00

As you know.. my folks were here last week. In between bearing down and getting shit done (doctor appointments and pierogies to name a few dozen) good times were had.

It really got me thinking about HOME. For a long time "home" meant Sayreville, New Jersey to me. it's where my family was, it's where I grew up, and no matter what craziness came about in Daytona, Seattle, and Reno... Jersey was always home. I suppose in many ways it still is.... ask ANY Jersey Girl and she'll tell you something along the lines of being from jersey, despite living wherever now. It's like a little badge of some sorts... like by us telling she's from Jersey, she's letting you know right off the bat that you're PROBABLY going to love or hate her, and she's fine with either one.

My dad sent Troy an article one time about dating a jersey girl. he and I had a few good chuckles on how very true it rang. But all of that is an aside.

NOWADAYS... my home is here in Stepford. well.. not necessarily STEPFORD... cause you CERTAINLY don't see me joining any pageants or flying rebel flags or even worse.. watching NASCAR. No.. by Stepford, I mean where Rhena and Danny and Troy are. THEY are my family now. THEY are my home.

I enjoyed reading some of the comments that went along with the song suggestions. It's interesting getting that tiny glimpse of the wheres and whys of each of you.

So without further ado... here's this week's mix:

Cze-Johnson Fever's Home On The Range Mix:

Dixie Land - by Dan Emmett
Puff the Magic Dragon - by Peter, Paul & Mary
Over the Rainbow - by E.Y. Harburg (and the OTHER version)
Carolina in my Mind by James Taylor
White Wedding by Billy Idol
Golden Slumbers - by The Beatles
Two Out of Three Ain't Bad - by Meatloaf'
Teach Your Children - by Crosby Stills & Nash
Cowboy Take Me Away by the Dixie Chicks
Where the Green Grass Grows - by Tim McGraw
Helpless - by Neil Young
Alberta Bound - by Gordon Lightfoot
Battle of New Orleans - by Johnny Horton
Bohemian Rhapsody - by Queen

The last song by Queen is my contribution. for all my talk about which home is home... one of the most constant things in my life is the process of GETTING home. Whether driving with the kids, or past times of driving with my mom in a car... somehow the journey home is always an interesting (read 'stressful') one, and SOMEBODY ends up crying.

One time in particular, my dad and I reduced my mom to a hot mess of tears and curses on route from Florida to Jersey. It's hard to remember which song in particular it was that set her off... (it was either Led Zeppelin or Queen) but the way that Bohemian Rhapsody is just ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE... it will always be associated with driving home. To this day the song makes my mom cringe. hee hee hee. (LOVE YOU, mom!)

alrighty.... the tunes will be pumped into the player during naptime this afternoon. right now... we're off to do that thing we do.

Happy monday!

To Have and To Hold

2008-08-17T13:08:00.003-04:00

ok.... perhaps not quite the best title... but given a chance to win free stuff???

you know I'm in.

Thanks to Stacey for tipping me off to Cool Mom Picks. They're hosting a little giveaway for any blogger that posts their button on a blog. So yeah. sign me up!

really.. go visit.. I won't mind!

speaking of visiting.. my folks are gone, so you SHOULD be seeing me on the regular again. updates to come this week.. including PICTURES!!! I know.. try to contain yourselves.

and hey.. if you haven't left a comment/song for this weeks mix... please do!!! Suser got cranky on me cause some of you were e-mailing me your song suggestions.. so please.. just go and actually leave a comment. it really is more fun when there's more songs, too.

alrighty then. I'm off and running again.. while the caffeine is still working.

MIX TAPE - Homebodies!!!

2008-08-15T06:29:00.002-04:00

so this past week or so I've been busy here with my folks visiting. Tomorrow they're heading home, though. It's been a good visit and all that... but you're here for the tunes, so I'll save the recaps for next week.

Anyways.... I was watching the Olympics.. thinking about my folks leaving... or even just them BEING HERE... and it was pretty clear what this week's topic should be.

HOME.

whatever that definition of "home" is for you... maybe it's where you live now.. maybe it's when you're with your family... maybe it's a nod to the state or city you grew up in or near.

but the point is... everyone is from somewhere. Let's take a minute and suggest a song that evokes a feeling of 'home' for you.

One song, and one song only, gang.

new list will be up on monday!

Gone but not forgotten

2008-08-13T07:58:00.003-04:00

hey gang.

sorry I've been scarce in these parts lately and around the internet. As I said earlier, my folks are here, and I've been busy.... surviving.

surviving isn't really the best word, though. I was BARELY surviving before they got here. Since my folks' arrival, I have finally gotten a chance to regroup just enough to man up and get shit done around here.

last week we had Rhena's nose cauterized. anyone that knows my child knows she has been getting severe nosebleeds since like.. BIRTH. we go through phases where she doesn't have many, but then we ALSO go through phases where our house and her clothing typically resemble some crime scene. so despite not wanting to put her through any ordeal... we decided it would be better than many more years of having to stop what she's doing with whomever she's with so she can tend to the red fountain above her mouth. The process was gut wrenching for me. but more on that later.

we made THREE attempts to get Troy an MRI (yes I said three... his spine is jacked up and despite being on 3 different pain meds and taking a valium, he has been unable to lay down for the hour-long test.) we just added some oral steroids to the mix, though... so we're hoping to try again on saturday.

we've been making pierogies (yesterday completed 13 dozen potato ones), dealing with moosey's clockworkingly predictable tantrums, eye doctor appointments for me (since I ripped my last contact and have been wearing 4 yr old glasses for 2 weeks).. and you know.. just regular tomfoolery that comes with the folks visiting.

on a POSITIVE note... I really do know that my folks being here has helped me get everything done. Them being able to watch one or both kids so I can get some things done with complete attention has been a GRACE. I actually feel stronger than I did a week ago. ok.. a little constipated (haven't crapped since saturday. WTF???) but stronger for sure.

I was allowed to do a guest post over at Mama Ginger Tree's House. so that was cool. go on over and say hello!!!

The cancer walk??? have you been over there lately? We're currently standing at OVER $1100 dollars in donations. This is so amazing.. and I can't thank you enough!!!! Some of you have e-mailed me and asked when the donations have to be in by... I believe we have up until just before the walk, so October. I KNOW you can find $5 by October!!!! please donate if and what you can!!! because really.. every dollar does count!

I'm currently working on a pitch for a local place in which I'm going to try to convince them to host a fundraising event for the walk. strike that. I AM going to find a place to host an event... and I have one place in mind.. just hoping they'll see my vision. I'll share more when I have everything official.

alright. I ought to put this thing away and prepare for another day of pierogies. we still have more potato to make, then we move on to the kapusta. I've been taking pictures, so will have a post next week of the whole process.

OH!!! so important!!!! I need some suggestions!!!

part of my 'pitch' to the bar/restaurant includes featuring a drink (one that can be alcoholic, AND have a non-alcoholic version available that's at least semi-similar)

anyways.. I'm looking for a drink to suggest. I want to call it "The Pink Ribbon Rock Star"

My first instinct is pomegranate, raspberry vodka, and 7-up....

I've done martinis where I've mixed keylime sparkling water with pom juice and raspberry vodka, and those are refreshing... but I'm looking for something new and GOOD. PLEASE share any recipes you just love... preferably ones with a pinkish hue. I've heard lots of you talk about blueberry vodka. so hit me with some ideas, gang!!!

ok. pierogies are calling. I'll post more as I can. but for sure will be back ont he regular next week.

oh, and SORRY about the mix tape last week. oops. I'll make a point to schedule a topic for friday this week... so for sure check back so we can get our music on!!!

Hurricane Alley

2008-08-06T08:04:00.002-04:00

I suppose that isn't the best title given all the weather issues the gulf states are having....

but what I mean to say is that today is going to be a busy day for the Fever.

My folks are currently en route.... and while this makes every clock in my house look a little larger and tick just a tweensy bit louder..... and every little mess seem to have magically GROWN overnight.... yes.. while this means I will be as busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest today (and please notice I DID say MAN.. cause you KNOW any one-legged WOMAN in an ass-kicking contest could do THAT, drink coffee, AND write thank you notes and pay bills at the same time....)

so yeah. me? busy. but very excited.

excited to have the folks come so we can hang out and just BE. oh, and of course, the free babysitting should not go unmentioned. I'm for SURE gonna pimp them out so I can go to dinner and maybe a movie with troy. and you know.. get some basic stuff done like GO TO THE EYE DOCTOR SO I CAN STOP WEARING THESE OUT OF DATE GLASSES.

Did I not mention that yet?

oh yeah.. TOTALLY ripped the shit out of my contact, irritated my eye to no end.. and yeah.. no more back-up contacts.

anyways. today we're gonna hustle to get this place in tip-top company ready shape. and get creamer. I'm drinking my coffee this morning with danny's whole milk cause I'm out of creamer. If you know me in any capacity... this substitute for me is just about the same as ordering a fillet Mignon in a steak house, and getting a White Castle burger instead.

exactly.

alright... have a great day, gang.

and listen.. if you HAVEN'T made a donation yet??? PLEASE go to my page. EVERY dollar counts, and every PERSON on that honor roll offers a new surge of hope for SO MANY FAMILIES. Don't believe me? check out any one of the +2500 pages of the tribute book.

The Guilt Trip

2008-08-05T08:47:00.002-04:00

Y'all know I'm Catholic. and we Catholics LOVE us some guilt trips. at least I am. I am GOOOOOOOOD about guilt.

I get this mostly from my mom. She has an innate way of taking personal responsibility for just about everything. Having shitty weather? meh... it's cause my mom said something the other day. Constipated from eating too much junk food? must be my mom's fault cause she didn't cook you a meal. even though she doesn't know you.

ok... so that's exaggerating just a LITTLE... but you get the point.

Anyways.. as the whole apples-tree-and-not-falling-far saying goes.... I also tend to walk around with an extraordinary amount of guilt at any given time. did I do enough? did I say too much???

Take this morning for instance... not 10 minutes ago, I left a comment on one of my favorite blogs.... Erin Cooks. Erin is awesome.. always hosting contests (btw.. go.. enter!! free books!!) and if you recall.. she's the one who hooked me up with the free ice cream. LOVE HER for that.

She makes amazing stuff, and takes even better pictures of it. I told her once how I had to stop reading her for a while cause I caught myself wanting to lick my laptop. but seriously... love her blog.

so the comment I left remarked how it would have been nice to see some chocolate in the icing of her cookie creations. and while there was absolutely NO ill intent of what I wrote... I TOTALLY have been second guessing what I wrote. so much that I immediately stumbled her page. and started this post about guilt. BAH!

Anyways... me and guilt.. like I said and you can see... we go back. (btw... go and take a peek at her cookies.. they DO look fantastic, and you can tell her as much. and that I'm a jackass for talking about the chocolate. I totally deserve it.)

Now with the Avon Walk, I've been feeling a whole NEW set of guilt. first off... holy CRAP.... we totally blew by the $500 dollar goal in like what.. 2 days??? and donations are still coming in. The generosity and love that has been so quickly given is BEYOND humbling. I have been regularly crying with appreciation.

But yet.. now that the goal has been officially 'met'... I'm at a quandary. TRUE.. I don't HAVE to go out and seek more donations. but yet... something's.... missing. i totally do not feel like I have spoken about it enough. Because while the amount of money that has been raised so far is awe-inspiring... I feel like it should be MORE. but not MORE as in dollar amount. MORE as in number of people.

Am I really doing enough to share my vision? Is it greedy that I think people donating just ONE DOLLAR can inspire hope? and that I want MORE people to donate just that one dollar? Is it crazy to think that I CAN get 100 people just to make even the most minimal donation so my cousin and many many other women and families like her can see the VOLUME of people that believe in LIFE for her?

Part of me feels SO incredibly guilty for wanting that... that VOLUME.... because honestly??? the VOLUME that HAS been given thus far is, as I said.. humbling. I certainly wouldn't want to shadow anything that has been done so far.

but last year.. when I arrived at the walk before sunrise, and I looked around in the stadium.. I couldn't help but feel PART OF SOMETHING as I saw the hundreds of men and women that were there for the very same thing I was... that hope.

I dunno. that's where I'm at. I'm kind of percolating on an event of some sorts... either at church or local pub or grocery store where I can set up camp until I can get x-amount number of donations. Maybe charge everyone a dollar to sign a big assed banner to be hung at the walk or something.

something.

but so far??? I can not express my thanks enough. 11 donations so far representing 31 people who believe.

11 donations, and we're OVER $800. incredible. INCREDIBLE, I say!!!!

so again.. thank you to all who HAVE donated, or WILL donate. every dollar DOES make a difference. And if you have any ideas of how I can shake some of this guilt for not doing more??? I would love to hear them.

I may start off by apologizing to Erin.

The So Bad it's Good Mix

2008-08-04T10:46:00.003-04:00

Hey gang! thanks to all that participated in this week's mix tape. Y'all brought the best of the worst out there.

That's right.. I asked you to tell me that one song that you JUST CAN'T stand.... but can't stop singing.

so without further ado... I give you:

Cze-Johnson Fever's So Bad it's GOOD Mix:

See You Again - by Miley Cyrus
7 Things - by Miley Cyrus
Ice Ice Baby - by Vanilla Ice
Hot Dog! - by They Might Be Giants
SexyBack - by Justin Timberlake
Baby Got Back - by Sir-Mix-a-Lot
Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) - by Phil Collins
Piece of Me - by Britney Spears
This Kiss - by Faith Hill
Stronger - by Kanye West
I'm Too Sexy - by Right Said Fred
Without Me - by Eminem
The Choice is Yours - by Black Sheep
Baby One More Time - by Britney Spears
Macarena - by Los Del Rio
Karma Chameleon - by Culture Club
Feliz Navidad - by Jose Feliciano (sorry, Marianna!!!)

ug.... just typing these out makes me a bit ill. but there you have it. Thanks so much to all that played. We missed some regulars this week... perhaps they didn't want to lose clout in the blogosphere by admitting they like crappy music (cough cough Erin Cooks loves Mariah Carey cough cough) but you know.. whatever.. not gonna judge!!! ;)

Enjoy... or try not to. or you know.... at the very least.. put some headphones on!!!

And so it begins (again)

2008-08-02T10:14:00.003-04:00

*******************

by the way.. if you haven't made a suggestion for this week's mix tape.. PLEASE DO!!! we're looking for REALLY BAD SONGS that people just can't help but liking. click here to join in the fun! you have til monday morning to get your song in!

*******************

last year... I spent the month of August talking about and soliciting funds for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I did a lot of reflecting, and I turned to you, my readers, to help me reach my financial fundraising goal of $1800 dollars.

We as a group were able to surpass that goal, and I was humbled by the outpouring of love and generosity. I thought of each and every one of you as I walked 26 miles on the first day of the event.

unfortunately, what my brain wanted and what my body was able to do were two different things. I was unable to walk the second day of the event, and did not complete the proposed 39 mile journey.

I've already discussed it, and most of you know how I feel about the subject. This year, having the experience of understanding what a physical undertaking walking 39 miles is.. and a better grasp of my own capabilities.... I have opted to not walk in the Charlotte event this year.

I HAVE, however, decided to take on the challenge of being a Crew Member for the Walk. Being a Crew Member will not require the physical strength that walking 39 miles demands. It does, however... require a different kind of strength. It requires making EVERY walker know how appreciated they are, and helping them believe in the difference they are making.

For every one that has given ME a kind word, I feel obligated to pass that love, that strength, that BELIEF... THAT HOPE on to someone else. So I'm going to Crew.

As a crew member, I am asked to raise money. I have set a goal of $500, and am determined to find at least 100 people to give just ONE PERCENT of that goal. $5 dollars. 100 people.

I sent an e-mail to some friends and family yesterday, and I'm happy to say that as of this morning, we're well on our way to reaching the goal of $500. This alone is fantastic, because each Walker or Crew Member's collected contribution will help to support medical research into the possible causes of and cure for breast cancer, education and early detection programs, and clinical care and support services for women with breast cancer in communities across the country. so yeah.. the more money the better.

but 100 people. can it be done?

my personal theme for this year's walk is HOPE. imagine the sense of HOPE my cousin Rachel will feel if she knows that 100 people believe in her and her fight against cancer. Imagine the empowerment YOU could feel knowing you were in a room of 100 people that felt the same way you do.

help me find hope. help me GIVE hope. help me SPREAD hope.

please visit my donor page for more information or to make a donation. Donating may not change the entire world.. but it sure can make a world of difference for someone with cancer.

Click here to visit my personal page.

If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:

http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk2008/Charlotte?px=3510084&pg=personal&fr_id=1670&et=Xk1Y9CRmM_ie9vZD240YAg..&s_tafId=283615

thank you for even thinking about it.

thank you 100 times over.

Love to Hate You!

2008-08-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

ahhh.. love-hate relationships. we've all had them. some of us more than others.. some, with inanimate objects. or food. (oh please.. like you've never had a white castle burger before ??!!??)

Anyways.. this week has been nothing but contradictions and conflictions here in the Fever... so I'm gonna roll with that and make it the base of this weekend's Mix Tape Request Line.

are you lost yet?

Really... the theme is easy.

I want you to name one song (AND ONE SONG ONLY!!!) that you HATE that you LOVE.

You know the song. there's like a THOUSAND of them out there. Like Biz Markie's "Just a Friend". yeah. THAT kind of song.

it's AWFUL. you know it is. everyone ELSE knows it is. but yet... either you know all the words, or you TOTALLY bust a move when it comes on. but the song sucks. but it's SO FUN! But.. oh shit, did that person just see me singing it???

so come one, come all!! fess up and give us your worst! I mean best... well.. you know what I mean.

Get your songs in before monday morning....

Of limits and limitations

2008-07-31T13:43:00.002-04:00

Recently, a blog I've been reading had a post about 'naked blogging'. By her description, I'd generally say that MOST of the blogs I read tend to have a 'naked' side to them. sure, I like humor, but I also prefer to read sites written by real people. and by real, I mean authentic.

Being authentic in this world (at least in MY observed world) is an art. All too easily, we can smile and say all is fine, we can make small talk with a neighbor we truly do not like. We stuff, we fluff, we hide when we're snide. To be authentic... to show, act and speak as one truly feels takes a tremendous amount of courage. Granted, when one can finally find some congruency between head, heart, and external environment.. the rewards can reach limitless levels.

Lately, I have had something heavy weighing on my heart.

Last year, I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer here in Charlotte. I spent all of last August seeking donations, and reflecting on my desire to be aligned with the cause. I spoke of my cousin, who is living with and fighting cancer. I spoke of my Gram, who passed away after battling cancer. I spoke of my girlfriend Denita, whose mother passed away from cancer when she was 15 years old. I had CAUSE. I had PURPOSE. I wanted to make a difference and raise money to not only help support those suffering from cancer, but for research so MY daughter will not have to blog about HER sense of loss and helplessness to the varying forms of cancer. I wanted to walk for those who couldn't. I wanted to walk so Rhena would never have to.

and so I did. I walked. and walked. and cried and walked and laughed and cried and walked more. I made it through that first day, and I collapsed into the love of my supporting husband, daughter and son. And then.. my legs stopped moving.

The next day, I was still unable to move my legs without extreme pain, much less get out of bed, head back downtown and walk 13 more miles. I was so physically out of shape, and my body called it quits.

I was heartbroken. I was guilty. I was angry. I was SO disappointed in myself.

To know my cousin FIGHTS TO LIVE so she has that much more time with her daughter, and I could not will my legs to move was the most devastatingly humbling experience I have ever had. My cousin once again proved how strong she was and forgave ME and made ME feel better about not being able to complete the walk. my friends forgave me. my family forgave me.

it took a long while, but I eventually forgave myself. Mostly, in part, because I consoled myself in thinking I would train more and be better prepared and COMPLETE THE WHOLE WALK in 2008.

well.. here it is.. 2008. on the eve of August, where I would begin my month of seeking donations and speaking about a cause and disease that rests around my wrist every day. that sits on my soul in every good and bad parenting moment. that filters my eyes when I go to jersey and see my cousin. that affects TOO MANY PEOPLE right this very second.

This year, I have dropped a 10 pound barbell on one foot and a shower door on another. and guess what? I'm not in any physical shape to walk 39 miles in less than 90 days.

Despite my vowing last year to make amends this year, I got caught up in life. I succumbed to grueling temperatures. I've been sidetracked with surviving Daniel's recent stage of violent tantrums. I have not been training like I should. and I know it. yes, I've gone to the gym, I've walked here and there, but deep down.. I know I haven't done enough.

So... to avoid feeling like a failure AGAIN... I did not register to walk this year. I registered to be a crew member. support staff, volunteer, behind-the-scenes..... call it what you will.

I know I should be happy about this decision. I'm still aligned to a cause I feel SO PASSIONATELY about. I can still raise money. and I can be right there cheering for those who do walk.

but it hurts.

it brings back the feelings of regret. regret for not preparing more. regret of incompletion.

it brings back feelings of anger. anger that I have an able-body and I'm not doing more with it. anger that I can't fix my cousin.

like I said.. I know I should be happy about still having the chance to be part of the walk. cause believe me.. I know me making my body walk for 39 miles will not be what cures cancer. I DO know that. and I feel that being part of the 'crew' will be every bit as rewarding, if not MORE SO, since I will not be physically distracted from taking part of the event in both a give and take fashion. I have no doubt that I will be SO rewarded when the Walk weekend is done.

it's just that right now?? well... it just is what it is. but i'll get there.

No place like Home

2008-07-30T09:04:00.006-04:00

so here in the south... it's hot as balls out.

no, really... I logged on to weather channel and I could SWEAR that the reported temp was 5 degrees higher than the expected high for the day, and that was before they factored in the humidity index.

I firmly believe that if I had one of those thermometers outside of my window that it would be giving me the middle finger, telling me to get back inside and don't come back out until at LEAST september. maybe october.

ok.. I lie. before 10am, and after 8pm, the temps cool down to low eighties.. MAYBE in the 70's if there's a cold front moving through. but even then.. the air is... as snoopy gingerly called it... MOIST. (that's for you, Katy!)

anyways.. I'm sure everyone else is having their share of dog days this summer. my point is that we have been spending a LOT of time indoors. the library, the book store, the food store... every errand has become a major attraction, just as long as it's inside and there's snacks involved.

we've been doing a LOT of dance parties. Rhena's passion for dancing and all-things ballerina has only gotten STRONGER over the summer. At any given time, you can usually find her in SOME fashion of leotard, tights, tutus, slippers or shoes.

Not one to squelch creativity.. I just roll with it.

Speaking of rolling.. I TOTALLY need to get cracking on rhena's birthday plans. it might be an age thing, cause Suser was talking about this yesterday... but holy good gravy.. Rhena has changed her mind AT LEAST a gagillion times about her party theme. Top runners have been princess, wizard of oz, a 'dark' party (hang on.. I'll get to that in a second) and most recently.. a pink poodle party.

The dark party was an interesting one. she came up to me one day and the conversation went like this:

Rhena: "momma... I want a dark party for my birfday. Say 'rhena? what's a dark party'"

Me: "rhena.. what's a dark party?

Rhena: it's a party in the dark, silly! momma.. say "Rhena.. how will we see the cake if it's a dark party?"

Me: Rhena.. how will we see the cake if it's dark?

Rhena: No, momma.. say dark PARTY. say 'how will we see the cake if it's a dark PARTY.'

Me: *sigh* Rhena. how will we see the cake if it's a dark PARTY?

Rhena: With Glowsticks, silly! really, momma.. you are just so silly! we can't see a cake in the dark, so we need glowsticks! lots and lots of glowsticks, ok? so I want a dark party for my birfday, ok?

did I mention it's been a long summer?

Anyway.. she has until today to figure out what exactly she wants as her party. as of breakfast, she was leaning towards the Pink Poodles ("but maybe a black spot doggie for the boys, momma")

we have a few errands to run... so who knows where the wind may blow her thoughts today. oh wait. there's no wind. just the stillness of hot, humid death outside. anyways. what I mean to say is who knows what might happen today. we could be talking dolphins before the day is through.

keep it cool, gang.

Mixin' it up - Old Skool Style

2008-07-29T14:08:00.004-04:00

at last. I know.. this week I suck the big biscuit. and with new commenters, too. (hello and THANKS to Angela's mom! and Amber!! and Cathy! and Erin! and Daddy!!!) yeah. all these new peeps, and here I am, a day late.

say it with me. ME = FAIL.

alright. now that THAT has been said.. let's get the party started and turn up the bass.

Last week, I had some fun and scanned in some old pictures from my college days. anyone who's anyone on Facebook (ok.. anyone who happens to be my FRIEND, is what I mean) had the distinct pleasure of seeing me and my former cohorts in what can only be labeled as a fashion MESS. Of course, much laughing was had. of COURSE much of this was at my own expense. but seriously? after 2 kids... things being at my expense just seems natural to me.

but ANYWAYS. to keep with the fun of the week, I asked y'all to tell me a song that reminds you of college. for the first time ever, I offered a chance for you to pick TWO songs... but only if you swallowed some of your pride and shared a picture of YOU from your college days.

apparently most of my readers have a stronger sense of PRIDE than I do.. cause I only got a few takers. to the takers? Jodes and Hannikins??? and ok, Stace.. cause she's got her own scanner wars from Rutgers going on.... well.. BRAVO my friends. I applaud you in your ability to recognize that things CAN get better in time. and thank GOD for that, right??

ok ok.. enough narration. y'all have certainly waited long enough!

Cze-Johnson Fever's Back-to-School Mix

Last Dollar (Fly Away) - by Tim McGraw
True Faith - by New Order
So What'Cha Want - by Beastie Boys
Tonight's the Night - by Rod Stewart
Little Earthquakes - by Tori Amos
Back That Ass Up - by Juvenile
Polyester Bride - by Liz Phair
No Scrubs - by TLC
Trouble - by Coldplay
The Piano Man - by Billy Joel
Angry Johnny - by Poe
The Joker - by Steve Miller Band
Unbelievable -by EMF
Because - by Dave Clark Five
Crush - by Jennifer Paige
Dominator - by Human Resource
Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
Open Arms - Journey
Mr. Jones - by Counting Crows

ok.. I still need to upload the songs into last FM. from what I can tell, if you hit the 'play' arrow on the widget in my sidebar, you can hear the most recent songs (ie.. last week and this week)

I have to say, I WAS going to share the pictures that were sent by the daring girls mentioned above.... but now.. after watching the rod stewart video.. I realize that NO ONE. and I mean NO ONE can have a more embarrassing documentation of bad fashion choices. THANK YOU, Angela's mom.... if not for the music choice, but for the very needed laugh at Rod.

lastly, as I only have like THREE minutes before I need to wake the kids up... as I sat here doing the links and watching videos.. I have to remark on how very interesting the varying 'college experiences' seem to be. good times, sad times, drinking, love, loss, strength, dancing.... how we each chose different songs, yet probably each had the gamut of experiences. so have a listen.. even if it isn't 'your style'. You might be glad you did.

Please Hold (updated 9pm EST)

2008-07-28T08:12:00.003-04:00

hey gang!!

Thanks to all who participated in the mix last week! things are just a TEEEENY bit busy here this morning, and I was working on a project last night, so the mix tape is not created yet.

Please check back again later today; hopefully this afternoon when the kids are napping I'll be able to knock it out.

In the meantime, please feel free to visit one of the sites on my sidebar.

still feeling lost? FINE. here's some suggestions:

I finally did a new post over at Crumbles.

Suser will need some post-birthday week love. she had lots of visitors for the occasion last week, so let's not leave her high and dry. show her she's a rock star even without the celebrating!

Erin posted a new pic of her UBER-cute apron this weekend, and a new recipe this morning!

Hannikins finally posted something!!! SERIOUSLY.

crap.. there's much much more, but my phone just rang, and I have to bounce. check back later!

____________

EDITED TO ADD....

ok. so right now I'm just sitting down and being beckoned to be a wife for a bit. Troy seems to have no regard for the mix tape, and alas, I'm too tired to fight. besides, I smell popcorn. and I know I have a very cold Sam Adams Light in the fridge.

tomorrow, gang.. I PROMISE!!

MIX TAPE - REEEEEEEWIND!

2008-07-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

ok.. anyone that's my friend on Facebook has GOT to be having a grand old laugh right now.

I went ahead and entered what my friend and I are calling "SCANNER WARS". That's right... I'm busting out the old pictures from college and putting them up on Facebook.

oh.. it's UGLY. like UGLY-ugly.

like big-haired, SMALL-clothes, RED-lips ugly.

like EARLY 90's UGGGGGGGGGLY!

SO! Since I'm flippin' it back ole school where the waists were high, the hair was teased, and Lord HELP me my jeans were rolled... I'm asking you to do the same.

NO.. no need for you to embarrass yourself by putting pictures up... trust me.. I'm doing enough of that for EVERYONE.

no... today and this weekend (well.. you know.. before monday morning!) I want you to give me a song that reminds you of college. Doesn't matter when you went, WHERE you went, or actually if you went at all.

tell me one song (and ONE SONG ONLY) that was topping YOUR CHARTS in those preciously liberating years after high school.

you have til Sunday night (again.. monday morning if I'm running late or I happen to like you) to cast your vote.

But DO tell us the year(s) it takes you back to. that way we can call bullshit on you if you're trying to sound younger than you really are! HAH!

and I'll tell you what... if you e-mail me a picture of you in college, I'll let you pick TWO songs. consider it a bonus round, with admission being a tiny bit of your pride.

so what say you??? let's LET THAT RECORD SPIN!!!!!

just plain dull

2008-07-24T08:40:00.003-04:00

so yesterday turned out as a success. I took apart and removed the existing wall outlet, pulled the fuse from the fuse box, replaced both with new one suited for 20 amps, then re-installed everything.

(love how I just type that like I do this kind of shit every day, right?)

anyways; I was pretty happy. I think I'll always feel extra proud when I accomplish some wiring or electrical task cause the professor I had in college for my Electrical Engineering I and II classes was a total DICK to me. It was right around graduation, and in his office, in front of another professor and 3 other students, Mr. Novy (that's right. he was just a professor; not a DOCTOR) Mr Novy made a flip remark of how I would never be successful in the aviation industry.

Now while I do understand that I did not make a lifelong career in the aviation industry, that asshole can NOT tell me I wasn't successful when I was at Boeing. And to what extent is it his right to tell ME what is successful or not? I mean, sure, we all have our standards of what measures success or not... and based on that premise I probably do not qualify as successful in his eyes.... but that does not mean I have not been successful. just ask my working garage fridge.

ahhh... that's all in the past, anyway. OVER IT!!! speaking of pasts... I have officially entered a 'scanner war' with one of my friends from college. This excites me and scares the crap out of me at the same time. as you've seen right here and by words from Suser (by the way, she's still pimping out her birthday week, so go say hi) I have plennnnnnnty of bad pictures from days of yore. I fear what may surface. I DO see this war spreading to others, though, cause as group pictures get published, I'll be bringing down everyone with me. If you're linked to me on facebook, you might get a glimpse of the horrible outfits I thought were SO COOL 100 years ago.

but other than that.. we're just surviving here in the southern heat. got a few errands to do, packages to finish, babies to visit, and of course.. laundry to do. just another day, ya know?

It's gonna be one of THOSE days.

2008-07-23T08:12:00.003-04:00

I'm NOT going to talk about yesterday... the super-mommy marathon in which I single-handedly took on two cranky children and led them through a day of FUN FILLED activities and no naps and nose bleeds and baths and thunderstorms. cause that was yesterday.

I WILL say, however, that I woke up to the garage fridge not working, and that as soon as I can drink just a LITTLE more coffee I'm off to Lowe's to attempt repairing the wall circuit in the garage.

with both kids in tow.

in the rain.

DO wish me luck. I may actually need it.

A world Named Sue (part 2?)

2008-07-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

I often mention different friends on here. I USUALLY try to keep them anonymous, unless they have a blog themselves, then I link the hell out of them.

One friend in particular has TRULY helped me get through the past 4 1/2 years without too much permanent damage. which is crazy in a lot of ways, considering I've only seen her in person maybe what... 5 times?

but that's how this world is.. you have friends that you don't really see, you see friends that you don't really have... yet somehow. through cables and fibers and signals and transmits; our lives become melded with others.. one post, one twit, one IM, and one e-mail at a time.

I have a world in a friend named Sue. It's not always perfect; we get catty, cranky, hurt, jealous, and often don't understand what the other is trying to say, even if we mean the same thing. But yet, for all of our differences... we share a soul. or at the very least part of our hearts.

Today is her birthday. Now Sue?? shit.. that crazy hen is celebrating all week long. she even whipped my ass yesterday to make her a button of some sorts for the occasion. see?? (not bad, if I do say so myself)

Anyways.. SHE'S going to celebrate all week long... so be sure to go visit her and wish her well. Here at the fever... well.. I celebrate her all the time. That's how good friends are. they (regardless of the time and distance between) they just have a way of being in your life every day and because of it, you smile. ok, sometimes you HONK... but that's another story.

Like I said.. she'll be partying it up over at her place all week. But today? today I wanted to say that TODAY is a wonderful day, and that I love my friend very much. You know.. even though she calls me a bitch.

You Say He's Just a Friend

2008-07-21T08:29:00.006-04:00

whooooo nelly! looks like we had a good turnout this week! Seems like everyone has some good memories with their friends.. so thanks for sharing them.

Thanks also to Suser and Hännikins for pimping out the mix! Speaking of the mix.. looks like we've added some new contributors, so welcome to Caroline Bender, Leslie, Amara's Mom, and Tara! Thanks for joining the fun this week; hope to see you back again! And Jenni?? much appreciation for the band name for Jaime's song choice. you saved me a LOT of time with that!

ok.. so without further ado; plug in your headphones and have a listen. and while you're at it; call your friend or someone you love. I bet they'd be happy to hear from you.

Cze-Johnson Fever's "You Say He's Just a Friend" Mix:

Fishin' in the Dark by The Nitty Gritty Band
Tighten Up by Archie Bell and the Drells
Dancing Queen by ABBA
Fields of Gold by Sting
Hey Mama by Black Eyed Peas
D'yer Mak'er by Led Zepplin
Summer Nights from the Grease Soundtrack
My Wish by Rascal Flatts
Danger! High Voltage by Electric Six
In My Life by The Beatles
I Feel Home by O.A.R.
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot
Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
We Are Family by Sister Sledge
Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay Z
Regret by New Order
All For You by Sister Hazel
Black Betty by Ram Jam

_________

so a few notes. first off; I'm not playing favorites for Erin... I listed both of her songs on this list because as it turns out... Hey Mama is not available for playing on LastFM, and as such will not be in the streaming audio. but since it was her first song, I put it on the list... cause that was her 'official' submittal.

MY choice is on there now, too. Black Betty. LOVE that song; reminds me of cutting out of school and driving down the shore with my girlfriends. ALSO happens to be a fantastic memory of Troy doing a dance on the halloween he dressed up as the flapper girl. aaaah. LOVE that song.

________

STILL having issues with Last FM and the playlist. apparently it's created.... but I'm not finding the code to embed or play. grrrr. mondays are evil to me.

________

one last edit and I may just quit on this subject for the day.

I am working on embedding something in my sidebar. and now suddenly the player I posted LAST week is playing the new songs, too. and now it's the full-length versions, instead of the 30-second preview. *sigh* really. I need to just walk away already!

leave me a note if you can see the player in my sidebar and it works for you. If it works, then I'll just keep it there and forget about trying to re-post it each week.

or not. cause I'm crazy like that... and the sheer frustration of not getting it to work will make me try until I can figure it out.

Sticks and Stones

2008-07-19T13:26:00.003-04:00

**********

reminder!! you have until SUNDAY NIGHT to submit a song for this week's mix!!

**********

ok. so I'm sure everyone that has a SEMI-PULSE on current affairs is aware of the recent hub-bub regarding the N-word discussion on the View lately.

hmph.

so the SMART thing for me.. a white Christian woman living in the south... the SMART thing would probably be to not say anything at all... but I never claimed to be smart. so let's chat about this for a minute, shall we?

Whoopi says she uses the N-word as a way of taking back control of oppression that she and her ancestors have felt since coming to America.

Other chick (Sherri, is it?) says she grew up using the N-word, so she uses it as a term of endearment.

Both Whoopi and Sherri say that they as African-Americans may use the term, but anyone NOT of African American decent may not.

Crying chick (Elisabeth) got fired up and in my opinion did a POOR job of expressing whatever in hell she was trying to say.

I mean.. we ALL get the point. the N-word is historically a derogative term. But no, now it's ok and socially acceptable to use it as a term of endearment... that is if.. and ONLY IF you are an African American using the term. Webster's take can be found here if you really HAVE been under a rock for the past 20+ years.

Arguments can be made in the case FOR using the n-word as one chooses (provided that choice is only used exclusively by African Americans) because we as a society have allowed the term "bitch" to be used as a term of endearment... endearment, that is, when spoken by a woman. Because a MAN saying that someone is his bitch is bad. except sometimes when that man is gay... cause apparently gay men are allowed to be bitches, too.

And lest we forget the homosexuals!!! While it's apparently very allowable for one homosexual to call another a faggot... it's a bit low-brow for anyone else to do so. This makes me wonder if the mentally handicapped of America have a secret handshake or call each other 'retards' when in the presence of other mentally handicapped Americans. Do overweight people get to call each other 'Fatties'?

again.. I say hmmm.

Now don't get me wrong.. I have for SURE called my friends bitches and meant it in a good way. I've even called TROY my bitch a time or two. So I for sure am guilty of partaking in the double-standard. For my own participation in finding exclusivity of name calling, I can say that I do understand where Whoopi and Sherri are coming from.

but if I think about it.. and I mean REALLY think about it... what good has come of me calling anyone a slur? Do my girlfriends feel CLOSER to me because I call them my bitch? would calling them a bitch be better than just saying out loud how I love someone and value and understand them? Because really.. my girlfriends AREN'T bitches. sure, like anyone, each of us CAN be BITCHY... but they are not bitches. they are beautiful, complex, passionate, strong and intelligent WOMEN. all of them! in their own ways!

I even noticed that when I have USED the term 'my bitch' in the past, I say so with such a rough-and-tough demeanor and gusto... like I'm hardcore or some shit. uh... look in MY mirror lately, and I am anything BUT hardcore, folks. but yet... I call someone my bitch, and I'm all gangstah and shit. what is this facade, and why in hell do I need it?

I DO feel that EVERYONE in America (regardless of cultural background) has had to deal with some type of prejudice or hatred at some point in the history of the United States. Ask ANYONE, and I can pretty much bank on them being hated/ostracised/segregated for something at some point in their or their family's life. Religion, skin color, money, size, gender, sexual preference, physical limitations, or any category lacking thereof... there's ALWAYS going to be someone who has been left out or oppressed because of something they just are. Perhaps it is the fear of rejection that continually pushes many of us to try to be something we are not.

Anyways.. I'm not going to go down any road that would suggest what other people should or should not do. I can only speak for myself... and of course.. the ever-important example I will try to set for my children.

This week was a FINE (pun intended) exercise for me in exploring the use of words and how they can be interpreted many ways. I think that at the end of the day.. or at least here, now, and going forward for me... I'd like to make a better effort to choose my words more carefully. After all.. there ARE so many words out there TO USE to describe exactly what it is I think and feel... and if my intention IS to hurt? well.. there's always sticks and stones.

MIX it up!

2008-07-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

hey gang! calling all music lovers... or music LOVAHS, be it as your case may be!

Last week y'all brought a certain strength to the Fever, and based on the events of this past week, I can't help but think about my friends.

NEXT WEEK'S MIX THEME will be FRIENDS.

that's right. close your eyes, and think of your best friend. ok.. open them again, cause really.. this isn't an audio blog.

anyways.. I want each of you to think of one of your closest friends, and tell me a song that reminds you of them.

maybe it's your wedding song cause you're that damn romantic that married your best friend. Maybe it's a song that you snuck out of class one time and played over and over in your crap-assed car while you drove down the shore.

YOU TELL ME.

Feel free to elaborate on your song choice, but keep in mind this ain't no love lines, folks. we won't be saying your name on the radio... just playing your song next week.

one song per commenter, please.. and ONE SONG ONLY.

by the way... that website I used last week needs at least 15 songs, so tell a friend to come comment. you never know.. they might dedicate a song to YOU!

y'all have till sunday night to get your votes in.... monday morning if I like you and I'm running late.

HIS-story repeating

2008-07-17T14:48:00.003-04:00

ok.. I KNOW it's supposed to be HISTORY, but in this case, I do mean HIS story.

let me rewind.

as in any girl's life.. I've had my share of relationships that never quite made it. pick a reason as to why a relationship could fail or not even get started, and I could MOST LIKELY give you the name of a guy that fits the bill.

recently, I've come into contact again with one gentleman that coulda woulda shoulda but never quite did.

Ours was a story of young-ness. I wouldn't quite say love, because now that I AM in love, I look back and see that the elements that were present between us were not love. perhaps it was PERCEIVED to be love at that time.. and for some, that's enough. But today, in my world of Stepford, the Apollo, and all that makes the Fever burn like it does... THAT.. THAT relationship I had back then? THAT was not love.

so yes. ours was a story of young-ness. not necessarily YOUTH, though truth be told I was MUCH younger then. but YOUNG-NESS in that we were both so NEW in many arenas. I had recently left New Jersey, and while being thoroughly supported by my family (emotionally and financially).. I had my first taste of Independence. I was on my own. the freedoms and POWER of my CHOICES I recognized make me delirious even now.

I met a boy. I was smitten. (this is a key element repeated in just about every 'boy story' I have... but it's still important to say.) (I SAY it's important to say because there are about 100 other chapters I could tell about boys who were smitten with ME that I either failed to notice or pretended NOT TO because it would have been too much WORK on my part.)

so yeah. me. smitten.

Him?

meh... not as much. Don't get me wrong. he WAS attracted to me. he DID secretly relish in the doting I did on him. (and I knew this then because he would kiss me when no one was looking.) To me.. the chase was on.

For years I chased. I waited. I sought. I cried. I pretended I didn't care. I would get 'over him' until the next time he came around. Then I would start back over again.

everybody knew what was going on... though they pretended they didn't because on paper, he and I were 'just friends'. Hell, even *I* knew what was going on.. that I was seeking acceptance, love and recognition from someone who did not want to give it to me. DUH! oh well.. what's done is done. (where was that damn book 'he's just not that into you' when i needed it???)

a time finally came for him to move on. literally; he was moving. a particular event caused me to hit my breaking point, and when final goodbyes were attempted, he was met with a venomous spew from me that apparently was festering inside for so long and could no longer be contained. it got ugly. it WAS ugly.

it was SO UGLY, as a matter of fact, that I have actually blocked it from my memory. really; I mean, I KINDA SORTA remember being angry when he was leaving for good... but I don't remember what was said or even the year I said it. it's just kinda in this hazy 'grey' time in my memory.

and it's not that I refuse to remember myself being mean to someone. no.. I know I have been QUITE the bitch a few times in my life. some occasions I remember every detail. and perhaps for a while I remembered every detail of that altercation. but now? I just remember that we left things not so warm and fuzzy, and that I received a note from him a short while after from him saying he wished never to hear from me again.

anyways... that was lifetimes ago. really. three, in particular... as the additions of Troy, Rhena and Danny to my life have changed the way I view my present, past, and future.

So, long story short (I know.. too late!) I reconnected with the gentleman I just spoke of.

(cue dramatic music, right?)

I guess maybe because I'm in SUCH a different place than I was back then. I guess because I DON'T remember things as clearly as I could. and, I guess I tried to reconnect because I recognize that everyone FROM my past helped to shape me to be the woman I am today. and yeah.. y'all know I bitch a LOT on here, but I do SO VERY LOVE my life.

Generally speaking? I remember this gentleman as a friend whom I have SO MANY SHARED memories with. GOOD memories! FRIENDS! LIFE!!! MOMENTS! GOOD moments!!!

I thought since "we's all grown up now" that I would be able to say hi, bury the hatchet, and get along famously going forward, and have our kids be friends and play great music together over dinner like they do in the movies.

(this is where I'm supposed to realize that life is NOT like the movies)

So we e-mail a few times, and it would appear that we're both doing wonderfully now, and we are both truly happy for one another, and all past misgivings on both parts are forgiven (though if you're reading this blog, PLEASE feel free to be immature and take my side and say that there was nothing for him to forgive cause he deserved any earful he finally got after too many years of putting up with his shit) uh. yeah. all is forgiven.

So I EARNESTLY put it out there that I would very much like for us (meaning our families) to be friends going forward. but as I was writing the e-mail recently.. it hit me.

history.. HIS story... was repeating. HE doesn't want to be friends with me!!!

well, I gotta tell ya. I must be dumb as bricks, cause I ALWAYS seem to be the last one to catch the clue when someone doesn't want to be my friend. I'm surprised I even finished the e-mail to him.... cause seriously, the concept came on like a damn floodlight in a closet. He already got what he needed from me.. he got some closure on his past, and now thank you.. he'll be going again. but yet.. here I am.. once again.. chasing after his acceptance.

and for WHAT? it's not like I NEED his acceptance. perhaps my inner Martha craves that 'smooth finish' to everything. Perhaps I crave honkey-doriness and happy endings cause it makes ME look good? maybe the friendship.. a REAL friendship.. would be the closure or ultimate reward for my years of feeling artificial and not important enough?

so anyways.. that was my thought process as I was writing the note to him. But a few days later.. I have a different perspective. or at the very least am back to my original perspective before digging deep and rehashing past thoughts and emotions.

my perspective is this. I can't be friends with everyone. I don't WANT to be friends with everyone. and friends (or people or characters or acquaintances.. whatever you choose to label them) come and go in one's lifetime. At any given time, another person can serve a purpose and/or have a place in an other's life.

sometimes people have a place AND serve a purpose.. sometimes people serve purpose despite NOT having a place in one's life.

This particular guy certainly served a purpose in my life. after my time with him, I never dated a guy again that felt he should comment about my weight, and I refused to date men that tried to keep our relationship a secret. Those are two very big things to me because of that relationship. and believe you me.. despite ALL the dumb shit troy says.. he KNOWS not to say a DAMN THING if I go for a second piece of cake... and he will never NOT recognize me and/or our relationship; regardless of the setting. see? purpose.

anyways... I have yet to hear back from the long-ago beau. It's only been a few days, but I don't think I ever will. Which, really.. on one hand is a shame.. cause I DO think we'd get along famously and our kids COULD be friends. But on the other.. how can I not respect someone else that has the courage to recognize when there just isn't a place for someone in their life?

I know for sure I don't want anyone in MY life that doesn't want me in theirs.

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speaking of friends!!! get ready for a new music topic!! Mix-tape theme will be up at midnight (EST) and open for contributions!

Just FINE

2008-07-16T11:36:00.003-04:00

"fine" is a very powerful word.

Last week, Danny's pediatrician told me that while he's probably 'fine', she believed she saw a growth of some sorts in his right nostril.

clearly, when the word 'fine' is said AFTER the word 'probably', and spoken by your child's doctor, the word 'fine' does not make a mother feel so. As a matter of fact, it made THIS mother sick. like puked 3 different times SICK. and it made for a long week of repeating the word FINE with actions that did not necessarily match the intent.

For example, despite my telling friends and family that we were 'fine'.. ok, that *I* was fine, and I was sure DANNY was just fine... our friends and family did not listen. I was hugged, I received phone calls, I received e-mails. and yet, I was also given enough space for those who love me the most understand that sometimes 'fine' means very very fragile, and pushing too hard might cause me to not just break, but shatter into a thousand little pieces.

Yes.. sometimes "fine' means that a person does not want to talk about it. FINE meant that for a few times this week.

Sometimes, when a random woman is in a food store asking about Brisket to the butcher, sometimes telling that woman that a particular cut of beef would be fine for making brisket... well, sometimes that causes said woman to erupt into tears. And when that woman starts crying, it's perfectly fine to tell her that she's fine, and just patiently wait til she stops crying so you can calmly and slowly tell her step-by-step how to cook the brisket. Because in those cases when things clearly AREN'T fine.. it's nice to act like they are.. and you know.. that the woman isn't a total freak.

Sometimes, when a wife tells a husband that it's fine that he can not attend their son's appointment, she's really not happy. like wants to shove a golf club up his ass not happy. but MAKES it fine because she is strong enough to be both parents when she has to.

This morning, a specialist told me that Danny was "fine". It was like I was hearing the word for the very first time.... or at least the first time I took it for what it meant.

__________________

turns out what was believed to be a polyp in Danny's right nostril was actually just a small scratch or cut. our pediatrician mistook scab issue for a growth and aired on the side of caution by recommending a specialist to have a look. We were given some saline gel and care instructions, and all should be clear within a few weeks.

much love and thanks to any and all who have offered prayers, notes of love and support, the calls, cards, etc. you are all so special to us, and we appreciate how quickly and wholly you offered your hearts.

again.. thank you.

Public Apology

2008-07-15T15:04:00.003-04:00

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this is an open letter to any client of Victoria's Secret that happened to shop at the Southcenter Mall in Seattle, Washington during the years of 1998-2002.

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I am sorry.

I am sorry NOT for giving you confidence in your purchase. I am NOT sorry for giving you a perfectly fitting undergarment. Despite my position only being a part-time one while I worked as an engineer at Boeing.... I know I did a DAMN good job with bra fittings.

I AM sorry for not listening.

Not listening when you told me how depressed you are/were of the condition of your breasts. I'm sorry for convincing you that you did NOT need surgical augmentation. yes. I am sorry.

WHY? cause I GET IT NOW.

I now personally understand the effects of pregnancy, nursing, weight gain and loss, and the last bitch... TIME.

yes. I certainly get it now. I GET looking at yourself in a mirror, wondering when and where did the VAST PLAIN below your collarbone appeared, and just what are those droopy flesh-bags flanking it?

I now understand what it's like to look at yourself and SERIOUSLY have a mental debate whether lifting/enlarging the breasts would really be any better than chopping the remaining sacks off altogether.

Granted, I'm MORE SORRY for the lack of designers that cater to women like us, who deep down.. under all these 'mommy' layers... would just LOVE to wear a flouncy and cute sundress that doesn't cover our entire upper-body because of the bras we have to wear to keep previously mentioned sandbags from sliding off into the oblivion called our armpits.

but yeah... you ladies of Southcenter's Victoria's Secret???

my bad. I totally hear you now, and no longer will tell you you're crazy for wanting something else to go on 'up there'.

Music To My Ears

2008-07-14T09:39:00.008-04:00

Well, here we are at the ole mix-a-roni corrall.

I'm pleased to say that we got a lot of good songs. I'm ALSO pleased to say that I found a site that allows me to create a playlist and embed it here.. AWESOME!!!! unfortunately, one of the selections was not available on the site, and you DO need a minimum of 15 songs (so I added 2 more songs of my own after my initial suggestion of Rob Zombie)

for now... because it's late on delivery... I bring you STRENGTH... in musical form:

(for the full-song mix online... just click here)

Cze-Johnson Fever's "Strong" Mix:

'Dragula' by Rob Zombie
'In My Arms' by Plumb
'All Fired Up' by Pat Benatar
'Heroes' by David Bowie
'The Show Must Go On' by Queen
'Shine' by Rollins Band
'Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue' by Toby Keith
'Eye of the Tiger' by Survivor
'Bad' by U2
'Stronger' by Kanye West
'I'm Every Woman' by Chaka Kahn
'Strength Courage and Wisdom' by India Arie
'Suddenly I See' by KT Tunstall
'Survivor' by Destiny's Child
'Dream On' by Aerosmith

as you can see, I also have the links to the lyrics and videos.

THANK YOU ALL for participating, and again.. for all the wonderful comments, e-mails and thoughts of encouragement for Danny. I'll update what the specialist says on wednesday afternoon/evening sometime.

walk strong, my friends.. walk STRONG.

A World Named Sue

2008-07-12T08:23:00.005-04:00

__________

don't forget to leave a comment for next week's mix! it's super easy, and more fun when more people play! Just think of a song that makes you feel STRONG, and leave a comment to tell us what the song is!

___________

SO I know some of the topics I'm about to bring up are already old news.. but MAN.

So last night, Troy and I were watching "Dan in Real Life". It was a very enjoyable movie with lots of elements we like. it had subtle and obvious humor, there were life drama and poignant moments, and at its core, it was a love story.

ANYWAYS. the story features Steve Carell as a widower doing his best raising three girls on his own.

When the movie finished, Troy and I did our usual recap discussion, which, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'd know those discussions usually end up going down a variety of tangent paths.

Not quite sure how we got on THIS topic, but we started talking about lawsuits, parenting, and today's society. We discussed that case in Canada where the 12 year old girl took her father to court because she didn't like him punishing her. go ahead.. read the article. I'll wait.

uhhh.. can I get a WTF??? Telling your parent that you are NOT happy with them (rhena), you'll hate them forever (me), or that they're a "murderer of love" (the movie) is one thing... but TAKING THEM TO COURT? because you as a child do not agree with your parent? who was disciplining you for doing something WRONG? And lest we forget these are CHILDREN... children whose feelings change every other nano second.

I know I have personally witnessed a child or two talking back to their parent in such a manner that made ME understand why some people choose to spank their kids. I think my all-time jaw dropper has been "What are you going to do? I'm not afraid of you!" (never MIND that the sentiment is driven from a FEAR-based relationship... I completely feel that is one of the reasons why these kids have no respect for their parental figures. the parentals are not CREATING relationships based on love and respect. they're creating environments of fear and obeying.)

And there's the rub... we as adults and parent are not exactly setting the best examples, are we? Like the case in Sweden where parents are suing a child and his family for not inviting their child to a birthday party. I understand the school refusing to hand out the invitations. I don't AGREE with it, as I grew up in a world where kids didn't get the same number of valentines and flowers and invites in class. But I can buy into the principle that popularity games are a distraction from scholastic business, so keep it out of the classroom. the parents could have EASILY requested mailing addresses and sent the invitations properly. But the business of the parents getting their panties in a bunch saying their sons rights were TRAMPLED cause he didn't get an invitation to a party? (a party for a kid that was not invited to his OWN party?) blugh. seriously.

anyways.. those were only two of the things we were talking about last night. I'm not saying I would prefer to hear that my kids are going to hate me forever... but I'm ALSO not going to bend over backwards every time my child doesn't agree with something or has to face some disappointment in life.

I mean, SURE, I would love to think that my kids can go through life with no disappointments, but without those moments of lows, how can one truly appreciate and see the good when it around them the rest of the times?

MIX TAPE 7-11 edition

2008-07-11T01:00:00.003-04:00

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first off.. I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment and or e-mail about Danny. all of your kind words, thoughts, and support mean very much to us. His appointment will be next wednesday, so I will update then. but once again.. THANK YOU!

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ok.. back to the topic at hand! it's time for another MIX TAPE!!!!

this week delivered some unexpected blows for us at the Fever, and next week is going to need a certain amount of strength to get through. SO... this weekend.. I'm looking for some STRONG SONGS.

That's right. dig deep and give me your best song that fills you with STRENGTH.

is it a tune that taps inner strength that mentally gets you through each day or the one song in your workout mix that gets you up that last hill on your run?

we all can use a little extra push now and then, so help a blogger and her readers out and offer up a tune in my comments section.

only one song and one song only for each commenter, please... so make it a good one. if you list more than one song, only the first song will make the cut.

I'll take comments through the weekend, and post the list, links, and credits come Monday.

bring it on, gang!

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edited to add: if you happen to HAVE the MP3, and you want to send it my way so I CAN upload it to the Muxtape for all to hear... please do! accepting MP3s at czernikowski@hotmail.com

The Nose Knows

2008-07-10T08:19:00.004-04:00

so.

yesterday Moosey had his (belated) 18-month well check. I wasn't too concerned about him going in. CURIOUS, if anything, how big he's gotten, but overall just another appointment in my book. ok, well.. if I'm being REALLY honest.. I DID have some questions for my pediatrician about his penis and his nose.

I've said from the beginning that I'm no expert on little boys' parts.. but in the past few weeks of babysitting, I've lended a hand with potty training and diaper changes for some little boys. Let's just say that getting a look at other junk made me concerned about Danny's Donut Shop. DONUT SHOP, you say? well.. yes. In the past, we were told that his lack of 'protrudement" was a result of an oversized 'fat-pad'. (uh... he didn't get the nickname Moosey for nothing, ya know?)

Now, I will admit that in the past year he's upgraded from a doughnut-shape to a mini-muffin.... so I KNOW he's thinning out a little... but still. poor kid! He definitely is not looking like the eclairs I've seen on some of the other local boys. So.. I just wanted our Doc to check his junk to make sure he's ok down there.

As for his nose... again.. nothing MAJOR, but the Moo-Moo has been producing these dark brown (almost dried-blood color) boogies in his right nostril. I've noticed it within the past few months (maybe 2?) and chalked it up to him bonking his face on something. I mean.. the way Rhena has bloody noses, a little brown boogie every other day is NOTHING in our book. but still. I figured I'd ask about it.

In terms of his 'stats'.. Doo-Doo did just great. just under 34 inches, so he IS starting to lengthen out. (between 75-90th percentile on the charts) WEIGHT clocked in at 28 pounds (a mere 3 pounds lighter than his sister, who is 2 years older and 8 inches taller!) I was surprised that his weight was only at the 75th percentile. he just seems so damn HEAVY! His noggin was right in the middle on the charts. so yeah.. all is good.

The Doc checked his goods, and she quelled my concerns saying it's still a fat-pad issue. This made me wonder about how fat men have sex.. but that's SUCH an aside right now that I won't go there.

As for the nose... well... this is where things kinda came to a screeching halt. I SHOULD have suspected something was up because she was looking up his nose for a LONG time. I figured it was because danny did NOT like this type of probing and was kicking and screaming like a mule. BUT.. I did have him restrained, and my Doc is GOOD, (like catch-a-fly-with-chopsticks-and-take-a-temp-of-a-passing-train-in-the-dark-GOOD) so her extra time up his nose was a result of concern.

Daniel has a growth in his nostril. This growth, or Polyp, can be caused by a variety of things.

Multiple polyps can occur in children with chronic sinusitis, allergic rhinitis,
cystic fibrosis (CF), or allergic fungal sinusitis (AFS). An individual polyp
could be an antral-choanal polyp, a benign massive polyp, or any of a number of
benign or malignant tumors (eg, encephaloceles, gliomas, hemangiomas,
papillomas, juvenile nasopharyngeal angiofibromas, rhabdomyosarcoma, lymphoma, neuroblastoma, sarcoma, chordoma, nasopharyngeal carcinoma, inverting papilloma). Evaluate all children with benign multiple nasal polyposis for CF and asthma.

hang on a second. BLEURGH! ok. sorry. just had to go throw up again.

so. yeah.

The go forward plan is to not stress. ( I've failed that plan already.) BUT. We KNOW danny doesn't have cystic fibrosis. so that's good. and there IS a possibility that my son just has a very odd-shaped membrane that you know... looks like a tumor. (stress stress stress)

I mean, we've never had anyone do a detailed exam of his nostril before. so is this a growth? is this normal for Danny? True, the new symptom of blood-tinged boogies is prompting concern, but lack of other symptoms (heavy bleeding, trouble breathing, other allergic reactions) are keeping danny out of the HIGH CONCERN category, and placing him in the 'raised awareness/watch' category.

So yesterday when this was told to me, with Danny kicking and screaming and my thoughts EVERYWHERE except in a calm and rational place... The Doc said we could wait it out and check again come his 2 yr appointment (or soon should any new symptoms occur) or we could seek advice from an ENT specialist. I believe my auto-pilot said we would just watch it. (at least that's what I saw my body saying when I was mentally running around in circles in the air puking and crying and screaming at the body to keep my shit together and pay attention)

As of this morning, I've put a call into my doc's office to request a specialist referral and one more review of my Doc's prognosis. I think just the blunt shock of what she was saying really prevented me from HEARING all she said and understanding what we're up against and how concerned I should REALLY be. cause this is my child. and I'm ALWAYS going to have more concern than what is probably necessary.

anyways.. that's where we're at. more to come as I know it. until then, my sanity shall continue to leave me about as fast as the tears have been.

__________

edited to add: Danny's appointment with the specialist is set for Wednesday morning, July 16th. The constant-need-to-puke feeling has been downgraded to a slightly unsettled ill feeling. Glad to have him scheduled, and I'm off the ledge in many ways.... just think good thoughts, ok?

House of (not) Representing

2008-07-09T08:35:00.002-04:00

so this is just a quickie.. or actually, I suppose it's the OPPOSITE of anything associated to a quickie...

so you KNOW you're married for a long time when you walk from the bathroom, across the room, across the tv and to your bed bare chested, and your husband doesn't look up from the tv..

you know you're married to a republican when you realize the reason your husband didn't look up is because he's watching the O'Reilly Factor.

sigh.

three kisses

2008-07-08T13:11:00.002-04:00

every day, I kiss rhena and danny about 50 times. maybe more, but you get the idea. I give them a LOT.

I can't imagine going a day without my lovin's from my babies. They truly are a part of not only my daily routine, but my daily existence.

However.. like everything, they shall grow up and more than likely (God willingly.... PLEASE) move out and move on. I also know that some day *I* won't be around anymore (God willingly.. PLEASE) when I'm very (very VERY?) old and die.

So today, while I can... meaning while they'll allow it and while I'm alive to do so... I give them at least three kisses. One for a day that they weren't in MY life, one for the day that they ARE, and one for a day that I won't be in theirs.

I know it's a bit twisted and slightly morbid... but it works for me. of course, at the rate I give these kids kisses, they SHOULD be set with a kiss a day 'in the bank' til they are about 130 years old. I figure what with technology the way it is, it doesn't hurt to play it safe and have a few extra.

---------------

on a side (but not lesser) note; today is my mom's birthday. Happy birthday to a woman, a mom, and a friend that has given ME enough love and kisses to last me until I'm 130..... and beyond. I love you.

The "Back-At-Ya" Mix

2008-07-07T20:11:00.002-04:00

As Promised... here is the list of songs I have put together for YOU, my friends.

again.. having issues with the muxtape... but that will be my homework this week.

The purpose or the idea behind THIS mix list is that I said I would dedicate a song back to each of my contributors. The dedicated song would be one that in some parts reminds me of that person; regardless of what they said was their favorite .

For those of you who like to just get to the point, I will list the songs (and applicable links) first... then go on to explain why I chose each song. so. without further ado... here it is.

Cze-Johnson Fever's Back-At-Ya Mix:

I'm a Woman by Peggy Lee (dedicated to Erin Cooks)

Kiss Me Deadly by Lita Ford (dedicated to Christi)

Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show (dedicated to Annie)

Beautiful Stranger by Madonna (dedicated to Carrie)

I Couldn't Sleep at All by Joey Ramone (dedicated to Jaime)

Join in the Chant by Nitzer Ebb (dedicated to Topher)

New York by MCL (dedicated to Steve)

Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash (dedicated to Angela)

Jersey Girl by Bruce Springsteen (dedicated to Stacey)

Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin (dedicated to Jodes)

Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper (dedicated to Tara)

Proud to Be an American by Lee Greenwood (dedicated to Marianna)

Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks (dedicated to Jenni)

For Good from Wicked (dedicated to Suser)

Sleep Through the Static by Jack Johnson (dedicated to Christie)

ok. hope y'all enjoyed those. now..... if you're curious as to WHY I picked each song....

Erin - Not only does she bring home bacon and cook it up in the pan, but she takes awesome pictures of it and blogs for the world to see. And her blog has something so very classic and classy about it; while I know the song itself has be performed by many women, I think the nod to Peggy Lee and her ability to stand the test of time represents how timeless Erin is.

Christi - Christi is one of those multi-faceted women; (aren't we all?) but no matter how up on current music she may be, I see her soul as a classic rocker-gal. She's tough and can hang, and probably COULD kick Lita Ford's ass.

Annie--- *sigh* I love Annie. She's young, she's edgy, and just SO COOL. when I see her I remember me from 100 years ago. When I hung with the skater kids and listened to groups like TMBG and Dead Milkmen. Of course, NOW I STILL listen to TMBG... on the disney Channel, though. Time Warp is for Annie.

Carrie - Carrie is new around these parts.. at least to ME, anyway. hence, the stranger reference. BUT... after reading some of her entries, I really dig her. She's got her shit together (LOVE her deep thoughts on how proper bargaining chips for her son) similarly, when madonna was releasing music during "beautiful stranger' days.. i thought she kicked ass. she was long, strong, and was ready to take on anything.

Jaime - Jaime is also kinda new to me, so it's tough picking a song. after going to HER blog, I see she's been having sleep issues with her daughter. I was GOING to pick "up all night" by slaughter, but slaughter is totally trashy. not that Joey Ramone ISN'T, but at least in this song, there's no cursing. I think Jaime's a good girl, so no cursing should be associated with her.

Topher and Steve - while they each have their own song, these guys come from close to the same place in my heart. it's called Daytona Beach, and it involves a cage, thursday nights, and a club called the Coliseum. ok, it also involves a closet, a radio station and so much MORE..... but I think I've said enough for them to know where I'm at. love you guys!

Stacey - my partner in crime is a fellow jersey girl, and a total beach girl. of course, she's also from SOUTH jersey, so I couldn't think of anyone better than Bruce. I'm totally gonna miss you, momma.

Jodes - no... I'm not hitting for the other team. BUT.. Jodes' is a friendship so true and deep that she DOES touch and lift the heart. I could say the 'natural' is also a jab at her crunchy organic side, but honestly, the song is just a testament of how good of a person she is, and what a positive impact she has on others.

Tara - sorry, but you started it with the reference to MJ. that, and you DO use the word SIKED a lot. not to mention you TOTALLY busted me on the SJP pre-nose-job picture... so... "girls just want to have fun" it is.

Marianna -- YES.. you are ALSO proud to be a Greek girl, but your patriotism and dedication to respecting the military and ALL those who serve in the armed services past and present is of the highest level I've seen in many people, both online and in 'real life'.

Jenni- ok, so Goodbye Earl was one of your subsequent choices... but I have to admit it suits you. so Dixie Chicks it is!

Suser - Funny thing about this song is that Suser said that this song reminded HER of ME a while back. I was in a bit of an angry state at the time, and was only focusing on certain things, then along came Sus with this suggestions, and my eyes and ears were opened in a new way. The song STILL brings tears to my eyes, but for many many good reasons. Susie is indeed someone who has changed me for good.

Christie - I had never even HEARD of Jack Johnson before a few months ago, but I have been smitten with his music ever since. He's got a laid-back, folksy sound about him, but yet he makes strong statements through his music. Christie comes across as very laid back, but she's very politically minded. I like that about her. and yet, unlike a LOT of political blogs out there, she presents her ideas and ideals in a respectful, factual and non-threatening way. Even if she doesn't agree with something, she has a way of doing so without ever getting nasty. like Jack Johnson, I feel that Christie makes me think.

anyways... there you have it. whew! that was pretty exhausting, and I have to say I'm glad more people didn't participate.

but next week... game on! I've got a few 'themes' in mind, so this could be fun to help pass the summer. tune in thursday night/friday morning to see what the next 'tape' topic will be!

in teh meantime.. keep rockin' it.

The Just-One-Song Mix

2008-07-07T09:33:00.004-04:00

ok.. CLEARLY we have an issue on my blog of following directions. HAH!

For those of you who participated in my requests for songs.. THANKS! I'm sure it was difficult to come up with just ONE song for many of you. ok, I KNOW it was, cause SOME of you listed more than one.

First off.. let me say this.. GREAT songs!!! MANY of them brought smiles to my face... so I think the world shall now benefit from the idea of this collaboration of tastes and music genres.

I also want to thank Erin for the link to Muxtape. I had every intention of creating today's mix-tape and making it available for all of you to listen to... alas... copyright protection is putting the screws to me. I was only able to upload files in MP3 formats, and while I COULD use my zune pass to listen to each song suggested... I was unable to convert them to MP3s for sharing with you. hmmm. so I'm unfortunately still trying to figure that out.

The GOOD news is that I've decided to make the mix a weekly habit. but more about that in a little bit.

As for today's mix.... see below! Links to videos and or lyrics are given when possible. If you do not see the other 1 or two (or more!) songs you suggested... tsk tsk!! I said ONE SONG! In cases where more than one song was suggested, I took the FIRST song listed. Think of me as the Richard Dawson of musical requests. I HAVE to take the first answer given... but try to take some comfort that subliminally you probably wanted that song the most cause it was the first you chose to write.

Cze-Johnson Fever's "just-one-song" Mix:

Glory Box by Portishead (submitted by Erin Cooks)
Yummy by Gwen Stefani (submitted by Christi)
Basket Case by Greenday (submitted by Annie)
No Woman No Cry by Bob Marley (submitted by Carrie)
The Joker by Steve Miller Band (submitted by Jaime)
The Fall by Ministry (submitted by Topher)
Temptation by New Order (submitted by Steve)
Feel This by Bethany Joy Galeotti and Enation (submitted by Angela)
Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin (submitted by Stacey)
Gracie by Ben Folds (submitted by Jodes)
Thriller by Michael Jackson (submitted by Tara)
It's 5 o'clock somewhere! by Alan Jackson (submitted by Marianna)
Go Rest High on That Mountain by Vince Gill (submitted by Jenni)
I'm Shipping Up to Boston by Dropkick Murphys (submitted by Suser)
Chan Chan by Buena Vista Social Club (submitted by Christie)

ok.l AS you can see.. for each song, the first link is the video, and the second link is the lyrics.

I have about HALF of the songs I would dedicate back to y'all figured out, but I have shirked my parenting duties too long this morning already. so the "Back at ya" mix will be posted later today.

As previously mentioned, I am going to make this a weekly feature. so if you missed the opportunity to get in on this, or I brazenly cut your other favorite songs cause you didn't listen.. cough cough.. I mean, because you put more than one song... then fear not; you'll have a chance to suggest other fabulous songs to the small world of the Fever Readers again VERY SOON.

Here's how it'll work. Every Thursday Evening, I will post a new topic for a mix tape. You will have all day friday and the weekend to put your suggestions in. On monday, I will post the collaborated list, as well as any possible links to videos, lyrics, or downloads for your musical enjoyment throughout the week.

I will continue to work on the MuxTape concept. I'd REALLY like to get that shakin', cause face it.. randomly requested streaming audio is awesome.

alright. happy monday, gang... may the music get you and keep you going this week.

Long live the Mix-Tape

2008-07-02T16:51:00.005-04:00

I firmly believe that anyone born AFTER 1965 and BEFORE 1990 knows the power of the mix-tape.

sure, it's a mark of my age, but in MY world.. when you like someone... you make them a tape.

of course, now in our digital age of mp3 players... kids today probably don't even KNOW what a cassette tape is. Or have no respect for John Cusak and the movie High Fidelity. or have NO idea how funny "what's a happenin hot stuff?" is when spoken by a certain Long (Duck) Dong. but again.. I date myself.

So.. yes. nowadays.. not so much on the mix-tape. However... it appears that the SPAWN of the mix-tape... the highly transferrable, won't melt-in-the-summer or get jammed in your player PLAYLIST is the key to my dedicating happiness.

yes... the playlist is now the fancy of all portable players. and I like it. in fact, just the other day, Hannikins suggested a kick-ass work-out mix. THEN.. like the magical woman she is.. a day or two AFTER she shared, she ftp'ed me just about the whole list. mama say, mama sah, mama's a rock star!

so now... on the eve of a nice long weekend.. I turn to YOU, my readers. I'm sure you've all been asked this question in varying forms before, so you should at least have an idea of what your answer would be....

WHAT is your all-time favorite song? I mean.. if you KNEW you were never going to hear music again, and you could only listen to ONE MORE SONG... what song would you choose?

please share! for anyone reading that does NOT share their favorite song... please know right now, I will find out where you live, and reprogram your home so every noise-making machine will play songs from Glitter, and ONLY Glitter.

(That's RIGHT, Erin.. I know you like MiMi... but even YOU know Glitter sucked. )

Anyways.. DO leave a comment. tell me your tune! I'll share the list (and downloadable files when possible) on monday!

Also, as an added bonus, *I* will dedicate a song to each of my commenters. It shall be a song that makes ME think of YOU, no matter WHAT your ass says is your favorite.

so DO play along.. it'll be fun, yes?

have a great weekend, everyone. let freedom ring, and all that shit.

Grrr.

2008-07-02T15:57:00.003-04:00

so I was just typing up a post about how doing a favor sometimes comes to bite you on the ass, but about 1/2 way through, I starting boring MYSELF.

now, the kids are up from their naps, so blogging will have to wait.

I do have another post to write tonight, so check back later.

and by later, I think I mean tomorrow, cause by the time kids actually get settled around here and whatever regularly scheduled thunderstorm finally passes, it gets kinda late.

but whatever. I WILL write something of content soon!

in the meantime... JUST in time for the balls-ass-hot summer everyone seems to be having...

one of my favorite foodie bloggers is hosting another contest for a free cookbook.... filled with.. POPSICLE RECIPES!

all it takes is one comment and patience til she does the random drawing next week....

so go check it out. and even if you're a scroogey-mc-no-fun and don't like to win free cookbooks or GASP! don't like a good ice pop.... go enter and give that junk to ME if you win! (yes, that means YOU, mom and Dad!)

so yeah. go. leave a comment. you'll thank me come august.

New is Old and Old is New

2008-07-01T21:17:00.001-04:00

I know.. me and my repeating title posts are getting annoying. what can I say... it's just a mark of life these days. lots of going in circles and repeating myself!

so.... as you can see.. I've changed the layout and did up the blog summer-style. Suser joked that I was channelling my inner Rhena, but the truth is, it's getting to be that time of year when I think about how I need to get my ass in gear (literally) and start prepping for the walk.

I actually started my training a LOT earlier this year, but lo and behold.. the toe and the shower door put a kibosh to that and I really haven't been to the gym since april some time. yikes! Today, I went, and it was as if I hadn't been in 3 years. but hey.. if sweating like a pig is the new HOT, then I was SMOKIN', baby! but man.. 12+ hours later... I feel OLD. but I went, knocked off 2 miles in just under a half hour ( please... don't kill my thunder; I know I'm a slow ass cow.... but seriously! 2 miles! out of the gate! for ME?? that's an accomplishment.)

Anyways, thanks to the loverly Hannikins, I've got some great suggestions for some hard-core music. gotta get those on my zune, and get to gettin'. I STILL don't know how I'm going to block off 8 hours so I can do a full-scale simulation of 26 miles... much less 2 back-to-back days of training walks so I don't repeat my failure last year... but I suppose getting past 2 miles without my foot throbbing will be a good place to start.

what else.... feels like the same shit... but I know it isn't. I'm dealing with Danny a lot lately. he's been... how shall I say this to avoid making him sound bratty??? hmm.. well.. he's been a brat lately. tantrums. kicking. yes... KICKING.

me.

yeah... during some tantrums, this child is getting SO keyed up that it is nothing but some animalistic WAILS with lots of kicking and thrashing involved.

I KNOW that it's because he's at that age when he wants to do things, is learning and excited that he knows he wants to do things, but gets extremely pissed off at his own inability to do said things or communicate his desire to do said things... but GOOD LORD it is hard.

It's HARD to be the adult. it's HARD to remain calm and not raise my voice. It's HARD to take a kick or two to the collarbone and keep poised as I firmly repeat that we do NOT hit or kick in our family. I have a feeling that what danny is doing to me now is the physical equivalent to the emotional punches I will surely be blown during the defiant teenage years.

but we're pressing on. The good news is that eventually Danny DOES realize that I'm not fucking around and I will not give in to him carrying around a basketball net, climbing on a table, playing near the oven or stove or utensils drawer or WHATEVER unsafe action I am stopping him from doing. or you know.. that he will leave the house or store or yard or wherever when we do. THOSE times are the toughest, cause I'd be a liar if I didn't say I've had ally-mc-beal moments of picturing me leaving him wherever he's thrashing and kicking to stay.

I TRY to remember that Rhena went through this too.. right around this age... and that it WILL pass if we push through. but again. this shit is old. I mean, it's NEW for danny, but WAAAAAY old on my time. NEXT!

hmmm.. I guess I really don't HAVE a next, as it were. Truth is, I'm pretty beat. after being on people-hiatus last week, we've hosted playdates at our house 2 days in a row, have had un-synchronized naps, and a shit-ton of thunderstorms that has rhena as edgy as a crack head.

but anyways.. I'm here, posts will be posted again, and I'm thinking pink. also thinking I have to upload pictures, but Troy is finally home, and it's TV time.

happy july, gang.

oops.

2008-06-29T12:02:00.002-04:00

this is what I get when I start trying to mess around with my template.

(and download something and watch the kids and eat at the same time)

pardon the bare-ness. I'll get shit up and running again soon.

of June and June

2008-06-28T14:27:00.002-04:00

so it just occurred to me that June is almost over. seriously. see what happens when you're gone for three weeks? time warp, people.. time warp, I tell ya!

anyways... being that I HAVE been gone for so long, and this last week was spent mostly inside on lock-down trying to keep the kids from going crazy and/or getting any sicker than they might possibly be from this year's round of highly contagious don't-even-look-at-me-for-3-to-10-days-cause-your-ass-is-gonna-catch-this-itis.

the house got messy. that happens when you.. you know.. LIVE in your house.

so with troy gone this weekend playing house with a bunch of coding nerds in Atlanta, I decided to take on another June. that's right... slap my ass and call me June Cleaver.... momma Carrie busted a moved and did some cleaning this weekend.

baseboards! hardwoods! toilets! showers! kids' bathroom! laundry! beds stripped! I even detailed the wood trim on both stair cases. next up is vacuuming and furniture polish.

what?? did I really just say FURNITURE polish???? eeeek; someone stop me before I start setting new standards for myself!

actually, I think it's that post-scrub-love-frenzy I'm in right now. I really did just work up a sweat doing the hardwoods this past hour and a half. now, sitting on the couch and catching my breath while the second half of my coffee cup kicks in, I'm looking in the other room and seriously... my floors look like long rectangles of melted caramel. delicious. you know.. without the sticky.

anyways; I believe there's more laundry to be folded or closets to be organized or sidewalks to be swept or or or.... the list goes on.

peace out and happy weekend, people.

choices

2008-06-27T14:09:00.003-04:00

so every day I run across a series of choices to make. inevitably, each choice I make has some impact on the flow and outcome of the rest of my day. I'm sure you're saying "well no SHIT, sherlock.. that's how it is for EVERYONE."

True... that is how it is for everyone. and anyone that has a child knows that the IMPACT of said choices gets exponentially more impactful on a day depending on how many children you have. If you don't believe me.. try choosing to go out to lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a while with a sick child or one that needs a nap. go ahead and make that choice and tell me how things work out.

ANYWAYS... I'm VERY cognizant of my imaginary project timeline and how every milestone is linked to previous actions. take something as small as stopping by a starbucks drive-through for a coffee for myself at 12:20pm. That 5 (if you're lucky) to 10 minutes in the drive through may make or break my entire day. on ONE hand, it will give ME the energy and kill my appetite long enough to drive home, change a diaper, get lunch prepared and served and get everyone down for naps by 1:30 so they get in enough rest (so they're not completely melting down at dinnertime) before they have to wake up by 4pm (no later!) otherwise they'll be up too far past their bedtime (and be completely cranky the next day cause they still get up at 6-6:30am regardless of when they went to bed.)

on the OTHER HAND.. if the drive through DOES take closer to 10 minutes, the kids could fall asleep in the car on the 20 minute ride home and wake up in the driveway THINKING that they've had enough sleep and they refuse to nap which would result in a complete emotional breakdown for everyone under our roof by dinnertime, OR they will be dead to the world upon arrival and then not GET to eat lunch thus waking up from said nap too early from hunger and being completely cranky until bedtime finally arrives..

perhaps my kids and I are just cranky by nature. either way... it's a big balancing act here at the fever, and every decision made is with timelines and personalities in mind. and pooping. we revolve our day around poop a lot, too. but I suppose that could be another post.

Troy, after being at this now for 3 1/2 years, is JUST beginning to understand the BIG PICTURE SCHEDULE. but he's still got a long way to go. I say this because he regularly offers chocolate to rhena AFTER she's brushed her teeth and is already up past her bedtime (= sugar rush = longer to settle for bed = extra time to re-brush the teeth = overtime for momma and did I MENTION I don't get paid overtime???) and many other cases that I'll not get into now.

my point is that every day, choices are made, and consequences are had.

now every once in a while, you get to make those choices that don't necessarily impact the day-to-day flow. Like right now... I'm debating on getting my foot checked, or getting my hair done.

I know... sounds dumb, but I've been mentally listing the pros and cons of each, and I'm kind of at a tie.

if you recall, I dropped that big assed shower door on my foot a few weeks ago. it took well-over a week for the bruise to even APPEAR, but whatever. it finally came and has finally left. The thing is, aside from a slight dent on my foot, it looks and feels better. (DEFINITELY a faster recovery than the big toe debacle, FYI) the problem is... it HURTS like a motherfuckingholyasscrackerBASTARD if you so much as even TOUCH my foot. hmmmm. now, I'm not so sure just HOW LONG the recovery is for a foot that has had a shower door dropped on it, and have been too lazy to google it. (ok, strike that.. I just did. nada, except for this story about another very klutzy person...)

ANYWAYS.. not sure what's normal for the foot. Foot "post-dropping-a-shower-door-on-it", that is. SO. I COULD go to the doctor's. I probably SHOULD go to the doctors'. but the problem is that my foot LOOKS fine. and it IS fine, except, you know... when you TOUCH it. so what will they say? probably tell me to go to the ER and get x-rays. now, up front, that all sounds normal... but you have to remember who I'm married to.

Troy, AKA "I change jobs every 6 months cause I'm a contractor and like finding new places to code my ass off", is, as stated, a contractor, so we're usually in some form of insurance change. in fact, we change insurance policies ON AVERAGE of three times a year. which means that we are ALWAYS starting over when it comes to the deductibles. bottom line.. if I get x-rays, I'm going to have to pay for them. maybe not right away, but I WILL get the bill for $200 dollars or so at THE most inconvenient time.. like right after I've ordered favors for rhena's 4th birthday party. or when her preschool tuition is due. or you know.. mortgage.

and $200 isn't so bad.. it really isn't. but that's a haircut and color for me, people. now.. before y'all judge.. I KNOW I can go out and buy a box of color for MUCH cheaper and do it myself... but I HAVE done that in the past, and believe me.. it does NOT look good on me. my ears always end up a tinted color and I burn my scalp and I miss spots... ugg. just not good. I'd rather grow the roots and pray that my grey (I mean PLATINUM BLONDE) hair stars to come in to make it look like highlights.

so what's my point, what's my point. I suppose nothing, really... just that I'm hemming and hawing on whether to go get my foot professionally looked at or get my hair done.

I know! shallow! dumb! get the foot taken care of, you freakin knucklehead!

but.. the foot. if it IS broken; they can't really do anything for me. At least I don't think they can? and if it ISN'T, then I just wasted the money on getting xrays. and the hair... well... getting my hair done will certainly make me feel better. and not just for the physical appearance upgrade... seriously.. getting out of the house sans kids for a few hours is like ordering a dish of SANITY.

oh, who the hell am I kidding? I know I'm going to get my hair done. seriously-- troy's gone this whole weekend, and after being home all week on lock-down cause we were afraid we might be contagious... momma NEEDS a slice of sanity.

I guess I'm wondering if I bother with the foot. I mean.. I would KNOW if it was broken, right? (hmmm... that's the third time I recall saying that this year for different reasons. I may just be a bit more clumsy than I thought I was.) hmmm. I'll think on it some more.

speaking of thinking.... I was looking at the back of my tongue the other day, and saw these weird spots... But there's this really cool DRESS I was looking at, too.... what's that? oh yeah.. nevermind. I'll be quiet now.

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Slum Lord

2008-06-26T08:09:00.002-04:00

Nothing like starting your day by kicking two expectant parents out of their home.

I am officially the worst landlord around. ok, maybe tied with troy.

So yeah. turns out two birds were building a nest. IN our grill.

I'm all about letting birds be birds and having the kids excited about seeing eggs and nests and all that 'nature' shit....

but I HAVE to believe the guilt I feel now for kicking them out of and burning their home would be FAR less than what guilt I would feel the next time we do up a steak and get a side of fried eggs.

just saying.

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"Miss" Communication

2008-06-25T13:07:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this before.. so if I HAVE.. just stop reading and leave me a comment to let it go already.

ANYWAYS. y'all know we live in the south. There's many things about the south that I love (lower cost of living, mild winters, slower pace.. to name a few) and y'all KNOW there's things I DON'T like (that whole rebel-flag-the-south-will-rise-again mentality, general accepted belief of women's places, subtle and unspoken prejudice (as well as NOT so subtle) towards people not male, white, christian, and of certain pedigrees... to name a few)

But the south I live in is a self-proclaimed NEW SOUTH. One where 'that' kind of behavior is no longer acceptable and one of a melting pot which welcomes northern transplants for reasons extending beyond culture and economic infusions. Still.. some old habits die hard.

One habit in particular (that I thought was once a VERY southern tradition) seems to be popping up all over the place in our society. and it irks me.

Hi. My name is Carrie Johnson. I'm married, so I ALSO go by Mrs. Carrie Johnson. but apparently, to any child under the age of 20, it has been deemed socially correct to call me MISS Carrie.

not Mrs. Johnson... not Ms. Johnson... MISS Carrie. (and let's not even get me started about how creepy "MR. Troy" sounds to me. seriously.)

again.. I GET the whole nod to southern culture and the Driving Miss Daisy and that really, it IS a way of showing respect... but still. enough already!

The problem, too, is that I'm seeing it happen in other states as well. I guess I just don't understand why.. if you CAN teach a child to say Miss or Mister... followed by a first name... why can't you teach them a last name? and MRS? what's so DAMN hard about Mrs.???

Don't get me wrong.. I've allowed Rhena to use Miss So-and-So when addressing someone. and we have our own little system that we call certain friends "Aunt" and "Uncle" when they are every bit as close as family. Let's face it.. if you buy my kids better presents than *I* do most times, chances are they call you their aunt or uncle. but that's another subject.

I DID begin rhena's playgroups with allowing her to call people by Miss or Mr. "First Name Here". but that was when she was Danny's age and understanding words but not saying them. However, when she began school, THANKFULLY, her teachers and the staff at the preschool go by Mrs. or Ms. "Last Name Here". It opened the door for me to start teaching Rhena the proper way to address adults.

Now that the door is open, I'm keeping it open, and have been teaching Danny from the get-go to use Mr., Mrs. and Ms. "Last Name Here". and SURE there are certain names that a child just simply can NOT pronounce or come close to being able to remember. I should know! My last name was Czernikowski! In those cases, a "Mrs. C." would suffice.

Of course.. it's tough when a dance class uses Miss "first name here" and our friends have their children call us Miss Carrie and Mr. Troy. (cringe!) but given the chance and choice.. I present myself and insist my children use last name addressing.

I suppose my big question is WHY? WHY do we as a society find it necessary to drop the formality? Are we as adults trying that hard to be more approachable to children? Are we afraid to command respect AS adults? Maybe it's just me?

Again.. it doesn't bother me AS much when a 2 or 3 year old who is barely understanding sentence structure calls me Miss Carrie. but a 5 year old? 7 year old? 13 year old? I'm not your friend, kid. I'm your neighbor, your teacher, your babysitter, and quite possible a stranger. Without a DOUBT I'm at least 2 decades your senior, so how about you treat me with some respect? I really do think I at least deserve that.

One final note for my stepford lurkers... if your kids call me Miss Carrie.... that's fine. well, I mean.. I'll still cringe inside a little... but chance are if I didn't think you were raising your child to understand what respect is, your kid wouldn't GET many chances to call me "Miss Carrie". So don't take it personal. I'm just talking about a pet peeve of mine, ok? in other words.. we're still good. oh, and one more thing? just, uh.. don't get mad at me if I correct your kid in a year or two. ;)

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Open Letter

2008-06-24T15:41:00.002-04:00

To the woman with the two daughters at Harris Teeter today?

THANK YOU. Thank you for teaching your daughters to be KIND to little girls who like to dress themselves because they truly believe they are ballerina princesses. Even when that self-proclaimed famous ballerina princess outfit means a turquoise dress, orange socks, pink glittery shoes and a pointy fair-maiden hat.

Your daughters smiling at Rhena and telling her she's "a beautiful princess indeed" was heartwarming and kind. I hope to teach my children to be as encouraging to others as they get older.

_______________

and to the OTHER woman with two daughters at Harris Teeter today?

SHAME ON YOU. watching your girls huddle, whisper,and POINT at a child younger than them sends a message of endorsement. Perhaps if YOU smiled more and taught your children some manners you wouldn't have to tell your girls to stop touching the food on display in the salad bar, and you would have to maybe threaten to 'straighten them out' one or two less times a day.

Now perhaps I'm just as bad judging you anonymously online... so for that I'll stop now... but the pointing?? NOT NICE.

oh and by the way? I hope that the turkey you insisted to the deli clerk be MUCH THINNER gives you GAS, bitch! BIG, stinky GAS!!!!

Summer of Love

2008-06-23T14:01:00.003-04:00

so it's either a GOOD thing or a BAD thing that I haven't blogged in so long.

BAD, cause I've been doing a lot of stuff that I should have blogged about.... but GOOD, I suppose, cause I've been doing a lot of stuff and haven't had time/energy to blog.

either way.

here at the fever, we have been experiencing the summer of LOVE. love love love, I tell you! We spent a good three weeks up in jersey, in which time we were able to see a large number of friends and family.

Each trip/visit was good in its own right. how VALIDATING to be surrounded by people you love and love you right back. When I was at susie's, the best term I can think of to describe how I felt was 'unplugged'. no tensions, no stress... (ok, maybe a TEENY bit when my kids were screaming and when we allowed our 3 year olds to sleep in the same room "cause you know what, momma? I've never sweeped in We-um's room before and we are just good friends and I am going to sweep in his wittle bed and we are going to have so much fun cause I've never sweeped over his house before..." (and so on and so on) and that first night took a TEENY bit longer than normal to get the kids actually settled and sleeping.) but seriously. no stress. there were comfortable silences, there was no urge for hoopla. ok, maybe an ass-grab here and there... but it was just a coming home of sorts. ODD, as I had actually never been IN that particular house of theirs, nor had I actually met their youngest in person... but it was that kind of home that only your heart can speak to.

I ALSO got to see a dear friend of mine from college. It had been a few years since I last saw Little Girl; collectively three children had been born since our last meeting. Marilyn is one of those people that I lost touch with during my year of puking and subsequent darkness while trying to survive Danny's first year on the outside. Actually, we had lost touch during the move to NC process; me puking and being sleep deprived just compounded the fear of rejection and lack of energy I felt in trying to reconnect.

BUT, like any good love story; we got back together, and even had the reunion hug in a parking lot to boot. Seeing HER and her children was another wave of emotion for my soul. To know and see that a friendship can withstand that much time and space without a drop of love lost... well... how can I not feel blessed?

Back in jersey, more visiting was had. we saw my brother, his wife and the kids. unfortunately not as much as I would have liked to, but the kids were still in school, which meant their incessant schedule of practices and games and meetings and homeworks were still at full blast. (side note holy CRAP I'm so glad we only have 2 kids cause the school years and coordinating schedules scare and TIRE the living bejeezus out of me)

I saw my cousin Rachel. This was one of the most conflicting visits I had while in jersey, and I'm almost glad it was one of the last ones. Rachel, as you know if you've been around here for a while, has cancer. Rachel is 3 months older than me, and by every right of our upbringing, is the closest blood-relation I have that could very well be my sister. Rachel looked like SHIT. which, in saying that.. I say with no ill will... just calling it like it is. cancer SUCKS, people. and it does NOT look good on my cousin.

She is bruised and has a yellow tone to her skin. Her hair is gone again due to this current regime of chemicals. She is weak, and walks worse than our 90+ yr old grandmother. yet.. amidst all her frailty, I saw the strongest person I could ever meet. I could never possibly encapsulate another person's will to live with words, but the mere fact I have personally witnessed it makes me re-think how I view things. Seeing Rachel reminds me how precious life and relationships are, and it really reminds me to choose my battles, especially when the relationship is worth fighting FOR.

being gone for so long made me realize how much I missed home, too. and this time I mean home as in Stepford. sure, I make fun of stepford all the time.. but this is our HOME now. and Troy was still home. now... I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I really didn't miss troy that much at first. I mean.. being in jersey was NICE. no laundry, no cooking, no cleaning... no errands. I really got a break! but by the time week 3 rolled around, I knew it was time to get back. we are truly a team of FOUR, and when anyone is out of the picture too long.. well... things just don't level out.

But the time gone was good. my parents did their usual bending over backwards to accommodate us in every fashion. speaking of bending over; I'm sure they were happy to give the knees and backs a rest after we left. not saying the kids gave them a run for their money... but they did. oh, and my coming home drunk that one night probably didn't help much either. HAH! (and we won't talk about danny's meltdown at the picnic or him throwing up all over my mom or me dropping the shower door on my foot.... that shit's just par for the course, right?)

eventually I'll sign up for the upgraded version of flickr, and I'll get all of our pictures up. that's on my list of things to do this week.

but we're back. (speaking of back; I'll go back over this post later today during naps and update with appropriate links and pictures.)

I just can't make this stuff up

2008-06-06T07:49:00.004-04:00

I hurt my foot again.

I KNOW!!!!

the GOOD news is that the injured foot to which I'm currently referring to is NOT the foot that sustained the broken toe. no... I'm an equal-opportunity klutz, and jacked up my LEFT foot last night.

so it goes like this....

last night the kids and I went out to eat with my folks. being that Danny was a bit skoodgey the whole day... it seemed like a good idea to bring the kids home, toss their asses in the bath and put him down for the night. He's a happy boy in general.. but when the happy boy does not get enough sleep or naps too early or doesn't poop for a day or so (or even worse.. ALL of the above!) well... happy he AIN'T.

so blabbity blah... baths are done. awesome. their daddy is called, messages are left, kids are donned in their pjs, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I bring the kids downstairs so my mom can watch them while I assemble the bathroom back to its original pre-bath condition. To do so requires mopping up the water that had been splashed around, collecting the bath toys, removing the bath mat, then putting the shower doors back on their tracks.

so whatever.. I mop, I collect, then I get one door on. crap. forgot the bath mat. ok. remove the bath mat, time for the final door.

hmmm. hands are wet from the bath mat. I pause for a moment cause (here's the real kicker) I thought that since my hands were wet, by holding the shower doors on the sides like I normally do.. my wet hands would cause the door to slip. SO..... I look at the towel bar; debate its strength, lift it a few inches with a little shake... then figure it'll be ok, and begin to lift it the 2 feet needed to put it back on its track.

it wasn't strong enough.

faaaaaaaaaahck!!!! big plexi-glass-framed with metal door came sliding down on the bridge of my left foot. oh, I saw light; it just was different than that end-of-tunnel one. I also saw a LOT of curse words fly out of my mouth and fill the bathroom like speech bubbles on the old-school batman fights.

please do not think that I have missed the irony that I spent more time FALSELY debating the strength of the attachable towel rack to support the weight of the door than doing the SMART thing which would have been to just DRY my hands first. dumbass.

also not missed is that the jacked-up toe was finally starting to feel better (notice I did not say LOOK better) and I have been able to wear shoes for more than a few hours at a time without being in pain. and now I can't wear shoes again.

another funny point to ponder in my world of humor is that the reason why my hands were wet was from removing the BATHMAT... created, purchased and USED to make bathing the children more SAFE.

oh well. and so it goes. on a good note, the towel bar probably slowed the door enough such that I didn't actually dismember half of my foot. so yay for still having my foot. my bruised, swollen, sliced, and in-pain foot.

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New York State of Mind

2008-06-04T13:48:00.002-04:00

so yesterday the kids and I went to visit our friends in Brooklyn.

We weren't there LONG.... only a few hours. but it was a GOOD few hours. It's hard to put in to words the sense of happy and peace I get from seeing a friend that GETS ME and that I love so much. Even harder is when I only see that kind of friend once every other year or so (or longer).

Our children played well together. it was as if they were family.. just with less bickering.

Next week we continue the trip of never-ending-love and head up to see Susie and her boys. let the good times roll, I say!

to see more of the fun from yesterday... you can FINALLY check out my pictures on flickr. I know.. I'm slow. but I'm getting there.

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PLEASE sleep til... BROOKLYN!!!

2008-06-03T08:52:00.002-04:00

we're off to Brooklyn today to visit some friends.

of COURSE the kids were up at the butt-crack of dawn....

I'm praying that the kids take a quick nap on the way.. otherwise I may have to take a detour at the Bronx Zoo and drop the kids off to be with their behavioral kind.

just sayin'.

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In the name of Love

2008-06-02T08:14:00.002-04:00

being here at my folks', I've actually had extra time to relax. I mean, sure.. I'm still being 'mommy' and such, and bedtimes have taken a bit longer to accomplish... but when the kids nap, I have time to veg. No guilt looming overhead that I should be cleaning instead of trolling the internet, no pressing need to do laundry, prep dinner, call insurance companies or plan appointments.

During this time of relaxing, I've taken naps. I've watched lots and lots of food network. and I've done some thinking.

Mostly I've been thinking about my family. (you know.. when in rome and all) I was thinking about the things I and they do, just in the name of love.

For example, just driving up here. Now... anyone in their right mind would not typically VOLUNTEER to drive 10+ hours with 2 kids in a car just for the sake of a drive. BUT... our family and friends are here, and out of love, we come. Out of love, my folks drove slower and took more stops than normal so they could be near me on such a drive in case I needed them.

Out of love, we might take our kids completely off their schedule to attend an important function where their attendance would be appreciated. Out of love, we show our children compassion when we would rather strangle them. We bite our tongues, we hold back, we plunge forward, or say the words no one else will.

We open ourselves up, and show a side of vulnerability. We wait; either for that phone call or for the sound of the front door. or for a ring. or for them to finally be ready, whatever capacity may be.

We do things we don't always like, despite our better judgment sometimes. and there's a fine line between doing something in the name of love and just plain allowing ourselves to be walked on... so fine that we're often WAY beyond the line before we even realize it.

but yet... love presses on. not always recognized, not always reciprocated, but valid and with good intentions, we do things in the name of love. From the big to the little (like drinking DECAF on a morning after very little sleep), when the root of our actions are entwined with love, why is it that we all BITCH so much?

Whether it's love for a person, a country, a job, a cause or a team... it's so easy to START OFF nobly, but often it ends with gripes, moans, snide remarks or boasting. Is that a symptom of our society? or is it just me who does it?

Recently a young man here in my parents' town passed away after battling cancer. He was only 29. It got me to thinking. If I knew NOW that Rhena and or Danny (or anyone I love for that matter) would die at the age of 29 or at any known point in the immediate future... would I think I'm doing enough? and of what I AM doing... well... perhaps I could make it a little less about me, and more reflective of its love-filled intentions.

What do YOU do out of love? how can you make it better?

Please take a minute and share; not only does it help to remember why and for who you do things, but you may inspire someone else in the process. Let's start this week off on a good note.

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Full Circle

2008-05-30T21:42:00.003-04:00

life is funny.

ok, maybe not like funny HA HA.. just that wistful, make you go hmmmm kind of funny.

As y'all know.. I'm up here in jersey with the kids. yesterday, we went to see my grandmother. she's like 92 or something. old... very old.

anyways.. we went to her house, and as I drove there, it reminded me of all the times I used to go there growing up. it took me back to a time when I thought her back yard was the most ENORMOUS garden I'd ever seen in my life. how I'd stare with wonder at all the knick-knacks on the walls and always see something different each visit.

Seeing Rhena and Danny walk in to her house made me realize that Lion King wasn't too far off when they sang about the 'circle of life.' I saw the wonder and awe in their eyes. Even more poignant was holding my grandmother's hand as she walked out the door to the back yard. just like I hold danny's over a step. or being patient as she tried to express what her thoughts were but kept losing them mid-sentence like Rhena trying to tell a story.

I know each life must come to an end, but how frail, simple and childlike she looked to me just made me take pause. Watching my mom was tough, too. I knew she had a bunch of shit going on up there in her head and heart. But I didn't say anything. I just watched and took note. I probably shouldn't even say anything now, out of respect for the privacy of her relationship with her mother.. but it did make me want to make sure i say what I need to say to my mother in the here and now... so should we ever get to that point where I saw yesterday.. well... I guess I hope I would just hold her hand more and take in the wonder of it all.

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I see you!

2008-05-28T15:47:00.005-04:00

boo!!

I took this picture of Danny last month, but only am just now going through my files and figuring out what needs to be uploaded and such. My inlaws probably think I'm the worst cause I haven't sent a shutterfly link in like 100 years.

oh well. in due time. Actually, today was productive. first.. the kids NAPPED. and since I wasn't you know.. driving a car for 10 hours or trying to clean or cook or wrap presents... I was able to plod around on my laptop during the silence. the sweet sweet BLISSFUL silence.

Anyways.. got a few more entries up over at Crumbles. I still have another I need to post; the one of my gourmet apples I did for the May bake sale a few weeks ago. but at least there's finally some new pics to look at.

Trying to figure out dates of when I can go see my friends. On the agenda is Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Brooklyn. you know.. in between the family stuff here in town. (by the way.. RACH... you're on my list!!! let's figure out something, yes??)

I was looking at my stats for this blog, too.. been a while since I was checking out who's been reading. granted, I went a while without posting much, so I suppose it didn't make much sense to see who was seeing.

I've been getting a few hits because of my facebook page. which is great.. I have been enjoying getting in touch with friends I went to college with. Having them look at my blog is MUCH easier than me re-typing all the stuff I've been up to. or rather, HAVEN'T been up to, what with taking care of the kids and all.

I AM a little (just a little.. not TOO much, but definitely enough to warrant a mention) irritated that I've sent notes-slash-friend requests to some people that either ignored me or (maybe?) denied me, but are looking at my blog. what's THAT about?? oh well. maybe I curse too much?

I guess I just don't get it. if you go out of your way to google me, troll through my blog, and even received a note of hello from me... just SAY HI!!!! I guess stepford is just a bit bigger than I thought.

anyways. it's 4pm. time to wake the kids up from their naps and get our second half of the day going.

happy hump day, gang.

Memorable Day

2008-05-26T08:01:00.004-04:00

First and foremost.. Happy Memorial Day. "Lest We Forget"

ok. that being said....

Yesterday, Boogie had her first recital. I was indeed VERY proud of her. not necessarily cause she was THAT GOOD or anything... but I just was. you see... after I gave her one last kiss and left her with the backstage crew, I joined Troy and my folks at our seats in the theater.

Looking around at the number of seats, the size of the stage, and the people that started filtering in, I couldn't help but swell with pride that our baby girl.. the very same one who used to CRY when someone looked at her.... was going to be up on that stage in front of all these people. She was flying solo.

ok, not necessarily solo, as she was with her class and there were about 100 other little girls dancing in the production that day.. but still. I got choked up, and indeed a tear might have snuck out.

The show itself was impressive. I mean.. it was still a dance recital, and while I never have been to one, it had a fair share of the things I expected. little girls out of step... geeky, awkward girls developing and not quite suited to their costumes.... and a share of girls that certainly looked like they did NOT want to be there.

but it also had girls that were doing things I can only just IMAGINE Rhena doing someday. And while I'm not sure if it's cause we're in a new season of "So you Think You can Dance" or what.. but I was truly impressed with the talent some of these girls had. Two dances are still in my head; a contemporary style for the flying monkeys and the hurricane where the girls were up on their toes for pretty much the whole routine. yes, I'm a complete novice.. but I was fantastically impressed by those two routines.

The storyline remained true to the Wizard of Oz... but the director certainly did a great job of mixing in pop songs to enhance the 'story'. George Thoroughgood's "Bad to the Bone" really made a wicked witch solo, as well as Michael Jackson's "Bad" for another witch scene. Dorothy had a solo to Flock of Seagull's "I Ran"... and of course there were many others throughout the show.

Again. I was impressed. As for Rhena.. I laughed my ass off. while she wasn't alone in being "That Kid".... she definitely stood out at points. especially when it was time for their exit. yes. my child made sure she took her time leaving the stage. the more people clapped, the slower she walked. it was like she was thinking "OH? really? yeah? for Me??? oh, well, ok.. go ahead.. yes.. thank you. oh? a little more? ok.. well.. I'll really be going now.. but more clapping? oh, ok... but I must be going? oh.. still? ok.. just this one last look... oh yes, well ok, thank you.. BYE!"

As for the dancing class itself... now that all is said and done... I'm glad we chose that studio. SURE, it's a little over the top with its rules and expectations... and the hall moms... bleh. again.. they're quite the characters... and I imagine that each year and each class will have a whole new predictable set of them. and I, in turn.. will continue to roll my eyes and scoff at them on the internet.

But the point of rhena taking dance classes is that she could learn about dance, and I truly feel that this studio respects the craft of dance and the work and dedication it takes to be GOOD at it. and while I'm good when it comes to shaking a booty... I couldn't possibly give her the dance education that the studio can and will, should she decide she wants to stick with it.

and listen. don't tell anyone... but after yesterday... I honestly wouldn't mind one bit if she wanted to stick with dance.

you know.. after she learns how to play hockey, of course.

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On with the show!

2008-05-24T21:02:00.003-04:00

today was rhena's dress rehearsal for her BIG DEBUT as a dancer in the recital tomorrow. The studio is doing a production of the wizard of oz.

and when I say production, I mean production.

holy tutus, batman... these people mean business!!! between all the informal and formal rehearsals, the 3-tiered ticket purchasing system... the fees for everything under the sun... well.. let's just say I feel like I've gone through some mini-boot camp.

they have broken me.

from making sure that rhena has been at the studio DRESSED AND READY!!! 10 minutes prior to the start of class, to the very dark place of putting makeup on her face... and many many other little idiosyncrasies in between.... I have bent over and taken it all.

on ONE hand.. I find the entire social system of this dance studio utterly ridiculous and wonder why/how exactly I got in this mix, and many times have laughed at the 'hall moms' that speak of cheer camp and gymnastics interfering with the dance workshop and who else will be taking riding lessons this summer? for their THREE AND FOUR YEAR OLDS.

say it with me, people.... GAG!!!

I also find the regimented structure of the studio to be a bit extreme.. even though that's the type of environment that Rhena thrives in. (hence... why we signed her up there in the first place.)

I mean.. seriously. this is a dance class for 3 year olds!!!

half the time I feel most of the girls are there for their parents, and not themselves. ok.. half the time I KNOW this, cause at least one kid every week is kicking and screaming how they don't want to go in the class. right outside the class' door. yeeesh. talk about a morale booster.

all is not bad, though. like when I get a hand-written thank you note from one of the lead dancers in this year's show thanking me for making a donation.... i see that sometimes running a disciplined studio produces students who are disciplined and respectful of their craft. and appreciative of all the elements it takes to make the wheel go round.

ok, maybe not.. maybe the studio told them they HAD to write the notes.. but that's a lesson I as a parent like knowing that a dance studio teaches.

and Rhena has been SO EXCITED. today she just kept FANKING me profusely for letting her be a dancer. ("oh FANK you, mommy... I am just so happy you wet me dance, momma! cause you know I really WUV when I can dance. and did you see my pretty dance costume? I am just SO HAPPY and pretty in my dance outfit! ")

clearly, some switching of genes happened.. cause if she were MY kid.. she'd be wanting to play hockey. but whatever. kid's happy. so we forge ahead. so yes.. we HAVE and we're GOING TO jump through the studio-imposed hoops cause it's THAT important to Rhena. like not being able to bring danny with us because no one under the age of three is permitted in the performance hall for the recital. hmmmm.

of COURSE, this morning took a bad turn when troy told me that our babysitter (whom we secured a MONTH AGO) decided that they would go play GOLF on sunday.. but not to worry cause they're pretty sure they can be done and back on time to sit.

CLEARLY, this man does not have a daughter in dance class, as if he DID.. he would understand how tomorrow is just only rhena's MOST IMPORTANT DAY TO BE A DANCER and how her grandparents drove from new jersey to see her on her day that she has been talking about since FEBRUARY... and how *I* have run around like a crazy woman trying to make this class happen for rhena every week (well, ok, except that one time.. but I already felt like shit for that) and by golly, we're GONNA go and pay our money just to see rhena stand on stage for the 2 minutes that she does, probably not even following the routine?????

cause it brings her THAT much joy. clearly he did not understand that.. cause if he did.. he would not have blatantly over scheduled himself for something he agreed to do a month ago.

*sigh*

all is well now, though. granted, this whole day has been spent calling people trying to get phone numbers of babysitters... and perhaps a few curse words here and there. But yes.. we finally were able to get one.

so now, in addition to the assfuls of money we've spent on tuition, fees, tickets, fundraisers, dance gear, dvd of the performance and portrait packages... we've got to shell out for a sitter, too.

oh well. The good news is that now we get a test run of a babysitter (read.. future date night for me and troy??) I have successfully mastered the 'tight bun' hairstyle using only bobbypins, ANNNND I was able to scale back the facial makeup to a simple bronzer powder and tinted lip gloss. no Joan Benet Ramsey here, people!! no sirree!!

so anyways.... the show goes on. first sitter is on my shitlist for a while.. but the show.. it shall go on.

sophmore

2008-05-22T20:44:00.003-04:00

so today was Rhena's last day of her first year of preschool.

she? excited.

Me? emotional.

for all its moments of busy and idle (idol?)... may has gone by quickly. I mean.. here we are, and it's almost memorial day. on the back ass of the month, I'm looking back and seeing a new deck, new furniture, an upcoming road trip, a new website in the works, and well.. just STUFF.

This week seems to have been the culmination of BUSY.. because as I said.. today was Rhena's last day of school, and with the exception of the recital this weekend.. the last day of dance class.

Ever the 'good student', we have been signing cards and wrapping appreciation gifts. As I wrote the notes to Rhena's preschool teachers, I became very emotional. I mean.. how could I express the gratitude and respect I had for these women who have been in charge of Rhena for 6 hours a week for the past 9 months?

I know on many levels, I will ALWAYS hold teachers in a high regard. my mother taught for 100 years, and knowing how much of her SOUL she gave her 'kids' each year... I can't help but hold a special place for teachers. even the ones that might just be going through the motions. Teaching is HARD. and what INFLUENCE they have on our society's children... I can't do anything but want to give them positive encouragement to keep their drive going.

but then again.. I wonder if it's the 'first child' syndrome. my BABY just finished her first year of schooling. ok.. PREschooling. but still. as a parent who changed my life and made sacrifices to stay at home to raise my children... it's a pretty big step to sit back and let someone else drive for a while... even if just 6 hours a week. I imagine it's something similar to a parent going back to work and leaving their child with someone else. granted, I could be wrong, but in my mind... in either situation... that's HUGE.

to put trust in someone to mold your child... well.. it's significant. especially the first real time you do it.

so yeah.. I KNOW that has something to do with it. and between that and the basic appreciation I have as being my mother's daughter... we've been all about the teacher-love this week. (and other various times earlier in the year, too.. should that not be obvious.) just this week is the big guns.

On one level.. this process has been very validating. like.. "I DO care!" and "I *AM* a real parent!" To understand that I am appreciative of rhena's teachers is like understanding that I DO parent her even when I'm not around. I AM concerned as to how she spends her time. and, of course.. how people perceive HER when I'm not around to remind her to stop picking her nose. I mean.. sure.. I knew that... but again... first time in the big leagues here, gang. I'm just saying.

I really do hope this is not the only time I will feel this way. I mean.. this emotional shit is EXHAUSTING... so that bit sucks. really.. headache from the crying. BLAH!

I guess what I mean to say is... I hope I will ALWAYS.. no matter what grade, what activity, what age or situation... I hope I will always be mindful, respectful and appreciative of the people in this world that influence my children. and that I feel the same level of earnest appreciation come the days when the Moo Moo goes to school.

I'd like to think that I will be. in the past year alone I've had a few moments of clarity that have helped me to be more selective of with whom and on what I spend my time, and allow to expose my children to. But I'd also like to think I can get through a week without cursing or getting frustrated about SOMETHING or other. There's some saying I could probably use here to illustrate.. something about shitting in one hand and wishing in the other and seeing which fills up faster, but I don't even know what the hell that really means right now... so I'll leave y'all to just figure that out on your own.

anyways. we did it. we had help.. but I'm happy to say that we survived Rhena's first year of school. I'll save my academy thanking speech for the preschool graduation next year... but I will for sure take the time to say yay. bring on summer.

today was a good day.

.

I'll share

2008-05-21T10:07:00.002-04:00

so ok.. I know I've been out of the loop for a while... and I still will be... got a lot of stuff going on around here, including rhena's last week of like EVERYTHING. school, dance, memorial day, upcoming road trip... we's busy.

but not TOO busy to share....

Erin Cooks is sponsoring a contest. she's the one that I got all that AWESOME free ice cream from.....

all it takes is one comment and a dream, and you could win a cookbook. if you don't cook, you could STILL win it and send it to me. only one entry per person.. so MOM... overcome your fear of leaving comments and hook a daughter up, will ya??

http://erincooks.com/2008/05/21/an-erincooks-contest-win-cakelove/

so yes. go. comment. win. bake.

oh, and yeah... save me a piece.

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We're still here

2008-05-15T09:19:00.002-04:00

been a busy past few days here at the Apollo.

in case you're wondering what exactly we DO all day when we're not out running errands or baking cookies.

well, I suppose it's more correct to say that this is an example of what we do AFTER we make cookies. (to get you caught up.. rhena and the floor got COVERED in flour, so I had the broom out to sweep, and had taken rhena's clothes off to shake them out. when I came back in to the house... this is what I saw.)

just another typical day, right? what have YOU been up to?

.

Of Straw and Berries

2008-05-08T19:09:00.005-04:00

yesterday I took the kids to a pick-your-own farm. It's peak strawberry season here in NC, so like we've done for the past 3 years.. we went and got ourselves some.

In terms of straw... the farm STILL maintains their petting zoo. I still maintain my utter disgust for the smell of animals. I *AM* happy to report that Rhena did not like the animal smell, either. love those little moments where she shows that she truly DID come from me. my next mission is to get her to have an extreme distaste for camping. but I have a feeling just a few years in girl scout oughta do just fine for making THAT apparent. Danny might be taking after troy, though. he seemed to LIKE the animals.

I was a little nervous having both kids with me, but I have to say they did great. Rhena was eager to tell everyone she encountered that it was important not to pick the green ones. only the RED ones.

danny pleased himself by carrying a basket the whole time. I would pick, hand it to him, and he would take care of the rest. That moo-moo. he's gonna be a good boy.

eventually I'll get my act together and share the pictures I've been taking on these excursions... but I've been distracted with other stuff. like how many ways to serve strawberries.

anyways.. it's just about bedtime here at the apollo, so I'll leave this at that and catch you another time. perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to post from our newly extended and composite re-finished deck.

a girl can hope.

You Heard it Here First

2008-05-07T08:58:00.003-04:00

so last night.. Troy and I were watching American Idol. I do not know WHY we still watch it... paula irritates me, randy is a tool, and simon is just using the same script as last year. oh wait. I remember. Troy has a man-crush on Ryan Seacrest. but that's another post.

ANYWAYS.... so there we were... fast-forwarding through commercials as we always do, and having ourselves a good laugh almost every time I paused the fast forwarding. why? cause I always seem to catch people in a frame where their face looks like they're taking a shit.

Inspiration hit Troy, and he suggested we could make a GAME out of this little past-time of ours... with the goal being that you get points for every time you 'land' on a tv personality with a shit-face. multiple points if you catch more than one character/person with the face.

Then the game took a life of its own.

"SHITFACED!!!" I cried!! "we can call the game SHITFACED!!! and make it a DRINKING GAME!!!!"

(which, btw, is funny, since troy doesn't drink and yesterday's late afternoon beer was the first drink I'd had in well over a few weeks. but I digress.)

SO. here's the game. It's called "SHITFACED".

game begins when all players are in a room watching a pre-recorded show.

During commercial breaks, the remote gets passed from player to player. (depending on how young you are, or how responsible you need to be the next day.. you can opt for one player per commercial break, or each player getting a turn during each commercial break)

The Remote holder fast-forwards through the commercials, stopping/pausing the playback when the show resumes. IF the remote-holder stops the playback on a crowd-deemed 'shitface', then everyone ELSE takes a drink. if the remote holder pauses playback on a normal face.. then the remote holder takes a drink.

2 drinks must be taken if 2 characters have the 'shitface', 3 for three.. etc. bottom line, the remote holder takes a drink for every character NOT having a shit face, the other players take a drink for all those HAVING one.

now... one could totally get drunk... I mean creative... and add penalties for stopping the playback too soon or too late. or have 'social' rounds if the playback is stopped with NO people in it.

Anyways... you get the point. SHITFACED.

you heard it here first.

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Dear Victoria's Secret

2008-05-06T15:35:00.002-04:00

To Whom it may concern-

thank you so much for sending me your recent swimsuit catalogue. You must have heard that I have lost a lot of weight recently and thought I might be interested in resuming my purchasing habits from your company.

While I appreciate the regard you have for my purchase power, I assure you that someone made a critical error when including me in the distribution list.

Perhaps you did not get the memo.

I HAVE KIDS.

Kids that like to be carried, that like to pull and tug and grab on to just about anything attached to me so that they may get a better position somewhere within a half-inch of my body.

your teeny-tiny suits showcased on the teeny-tiny models are indeed NICE... but pretty fucking impractical for my life. perhaps some day, in some alternate universe, where I, too, can stand alone with beach tousled hair ... not a soul to be seen near me pawing at me for some form of snack... I may just purchase one of your patches of fabric. I mean swimsuits.

oh... and the jeans on page 60? yes.. I do have an ass that could rock them bitches. but alas.. I have to do silly things like MOVE and BEND OVER and I dunno... WALK!!!!

so no thanks.

I don't think I'll be ordering anything today.

can't. keep. up.

2008-05-05T08:49:00.002-04:00

It's monday, and I feel like I'm already in the weeds.

I have about 3 posts waiting to be completed for the baking blog.... but I'm having a hard time with the images. I got excited cause I realized I have a higher resolution setting on my camera that I wasn't using. unfortunately, it creates TIF files, and blogger doesn't seem to want to upload them. so now I'm thinking I need to convert back to jpegs?? I dunno.

I also have a NEW website layout in the beginning stages. Troy apparently is going to help me with it, but I'm not going to hold my breath just yet. I do have to look for domain availability, though.

Rhena currently has a list on her white board of things she wants to do. talk about keeping me accountable! today we're going to try to cross off the blue park from our list.

today is the last day of CCD. I thought LAST week was, so I was pretty bummed to find out I have to go again tonight. don't get me wrong.. I LIKE teaching.. I just thought we were done. and with troy's new job and him not being able to get home in time (translates to me having to shlep both kids with me to class until he can show up, bring the kids home and create a hurricane zone of destruction that I will ultimately be the one to clean up when I'd rather be watching HIMYM. ) and when I have to bring the kids with me, it means I ALSO end up having to drive his truck home. his big-assed hurkin truck.

I made some promises to people I need to make good on, too. and figure out some health insurance issues. people.. I am SO SICK of health insurance stuff. I LOVE that Troy has always had work and makes handsome sums of money for us to live comfortably, but one of the costs is me dealing with insurance companies every 3-6 months to make sure we are covered, other policies are terminated, bills are paid, and did I mention each call lasts no less than 20 minutes? bleh.

The deck construction starts this thursday, I have to secure a babysitter for memorial day weekend (please.. I know) because danny isn't allowed to attend rhena's recital.

but yet.. I sit here TYPING the things I should be doing instead of doing them. hmmm. and I wonder why I'm in the weeds.

so... have a wonderful day. and thank you to disney channel for reminding me that today is cinco de mayo. Talk about a sign that I'm officially a parent.

Little Finger

2008-05-02T12:57:00.002-04:00

ok.. so much for my blogging break.. seems like whenever I actually acknowledge that I'm not blogging is when I have the urge to post.

oh well. and so is my life.

so today.. we had to take a trip up to the lumber yard.. for one, to take a look at the composite samples for our deck re-do we're planning. two.. to pay for the materials.

so yeah, no biggie. just another errand. of COURSE this means that I must have the kids in tow with me, so I tried, like I usually do.. to make this errand THE. MOST. EXCITING. THING. EVER!!!!!

by the time we left the house, Rhena was frothing a little at the idea of going to a LUMBER YARD!!! She told me no less than five times that she's never been to a bumber nard and she hopes she doesn't get wet. cause if she gets wet then she'll have to change her clothes and did we bring extra clothes momma?

This lumber yard, like many other businesses in the south, was a smaller, local distributor. well, not SMALL-SMALL... but not big-box like home depot or lowes. Small and Local in the south means old men work there. or old ladies, depending on the case, I suppose.

well, from the minute we rolled up, a certain gentleman named John was taken with Rhena. could be that she said "well, HELLO sir.. I'm BERRY happy to be here at your bumber nard." (Lumber Yard, Rhena.. Lumber Yard.) "oh yeah, sorry. wumber yard. It's BERRY nice here. can we go in??"

I kid you not, John introduced us to everyone that worked there. we got to see forklifts. we saw their storage racks. we saw every office within the main building. John was certainly pleased with his new friends and guests, and at one point he even had rhena telling each new worker how she spells her name. "Get a load of that, Frank? she can spell her name! I bet she might be smarter than you, Frank! Yeah, You're a smart girl, Rhena, yes you are!"

Rhena left the business with four pencils, two note pads, some candy and some new friends.

*I* left the place paying 5% less than my contractor told me I would, and a promise that they wouldn't deposit my check until I receive the materials on site next thursday.

sometimes.... it's good to be me.

.

This, That, and the Other Thing

2008-05-02T08:45:00.002-04:00

so it occurred to me that I haven't posted here in a while. granted, I haven't really posted over THERE, either.

and that's not to say that I DON'T have things to say/post/whatever... I just haven't done it.

the week has gone by quickly from my perception. mowing the lawn, working out the new deck details, rhena's school, dance class, troy working late, an upcoming bake sale, and a few other normal snafus along the way... you know.. LIFE.

anyways... I'm here. the dolls didn't get me. I'll be back around more next week.

Valley of the Dolls

2008-04-28T21:08:00.007-04:00

so last year I posted about something I find to be UBER creepy.

tonight.. I see that life has come full circle.

no... I didn't break down and buy one of those freak-tastic dolls. please. I don't even frigging want a DOG.. you think my icy black heart wants a DOLL? or one that looks like THIS???

Christ Almighty.. just LOOKING at that thing makes me feel like I'm in a bad slasher film from the 70s. seriously.. cue the music... EEEE EEEEE EEEEE!!!!

ANYWAYS....

tonight... I'm looking around my room... and messy as it is, I count no less than four.. yes, count them FOUR dolls laying around in make-shift beds. Rhena felt the urge to put her 'babies' to sleep tonight.

in my room.

the creepy, naked, "head/hands/feet made of plastic, body stuffed and soft" babies are all laying about my room, mixed with laundry piles.

It's half creepy... other half MASH tent. bodies haphazardly located in open spots of my bedroom floor, complete with pillow, blankets, and other assorted sleep accessories.

I guess that's what I get for making fun of people who like that shit, though. I get a daughter who inadvertently shoves my fears in my face.

damn good thing Troy's not working late.

and that rhena also finds clowns creepy. seriously. there's just no way I could handle clowns.

.

Cookie

2008-04-27T19:01:00.004-04:00

so as I was telling a friend today... the SHORT story is that we do not have a dog.

the LONG story SHORT is that we did for a few hours today.

seriously, people.. I just can't make this shit up.

So I was talking on the phone with my mom (which, btw.. the visit with the inlaws was very nice. they had left this morning, and I was getting caught up with my mom and the events of recent NJ, including my niece Delaney's birthday party (which I still haven't sent her gift for (but last year she was the only one who got her gift on time, so I don't feel THAT bad)))

so I'm feeding Moosey his lunch, and I hear Troy asking me if we know of anyone that just got a puppy.. apparently one was walking down the street. Rhena wanted to see what was going on, so she headed up to the front door with Troy.

next thing I know.. a dog came streaking through our kitchen.

I immediately hung up the phone with my mom (which, btw.. if you ever are feeding your child while talking to your mom, it's probably not polite to hang up suddenly without calling back soon to let her know your child was not in danger of needing Heimlich or CPR or poison control or something)

streaking brown small dog then proceeded to jump up on my lap and lick me.

Thankfully rhena did not pee herself.. though she was so nervously excited that it's not a far stretch to think a tinkle or two may have come out. it was as if all the gods and santas had a meeting and decided she really WAS the prettiest girl and bestest kid and deserved a doggie. and had it delivered.

The dog had a tag, thankfully. Cookie was its.. uh, oh! make that a HIS name. no address, though.

so we 411'ed the animal hospital listed on his tag. hmmm. no answer.

hmph.

dog.

in my house.

So... Troy finished up with the kids and loaded the thing.. I mean Cookie... into my car and we headed to the Animal hospital.

it was closed.

There was an emergency number listed on the door... so I called it. (listen.. I don't know how YOU roll, but me having a dog in my house constitutes an emergency)

apparently, the number was to a state-run organization, and they were unable to link into the particular Animal Hospital's records to find out the owner's information.

"you should just keep the dog and bring it back to the hospital in the morning" said the person on the emergency line.

I hung up.

At this point, Cookie was nestled into Rhena's car seat, and was making no overtures to leave my presence. oiy.

so what could I do? I mean.. I couldn't just let it go. I wasn't thrilled at the idea of bringing it HOME. one.. because it's a dog, and dogs do what dogs do, and I don't want no do in my house, if you catch my drift. TWO--- Rhena. ok.. Rhena and TROY. Troy has mentioned on several occasions his interest in getting a dog.

Let me be clear.. I LIKE dogs. I HAD a dog. TWO of them, actually. but I have kids now, and fuck me running, kids take WORK. and dogs??? ugh. I really, and I mean REALLY don't want to have another thing to clean up after.

and damnit.. Rhena had that LOOK when the dog was in the house. TROY had that look. For all I know DANNY would have had that look, too, if he wasn't too busy being worried that the thing might eat his snacks.

and I'll admit.. the little bugger was cute. SMALL. I like small. and the whole time it was in our house it didn't bark. I LIKE not barking. but NO. do NOT need to go there.

ok. so. dog. in the car. bleh. stupid dog! walked right in our house. I mean.. seriously!

I called someone I knew who has a small dog and asked if I could swing by and have some food. She laughed at the situation, but welcomed me to come by and pick up some stuff. She made no bones about reminding me that sometimes when dogs ate food different than what they're used to that they will have the runs. and she didn't mean a fast jog. AWESOME.

so Cookie and I went to get it some food. our friends suggested that we let it stay outside.. but of COURSE right then it started to rain. OF COURSE.

but this time, cookie had been part of my life for about 2 hours... and now HE was giving ME a look. seriously. I was wondering if this was some bad joke that Troy was trying to pull.

I canvased stepford on my way home from our friends'... stopping to talk to anyone that happened to still be out in the sprinkling rain. on my last-chance-saloon-hail-mary-let's-go-this-one-last-street, I found two men gabbing out in their driveways. while they had not seen anyone looking for a dog, one asked what kind of dog it was.

I described my little castaway, and the man knew who the owner was. he gave me the address/description of the house... and off we went.

Thankfully, I was able to return Cookie to his rightful home. They were appreciative, as was *I* that I did not have to bring home Cookie, only to have to take him away from Rhena once more.

Naturally, when I returned home, dog-less... rhena asked if she could get a doggie like that someday. I told her maybe.. when she was older.

what I did NOT say, however, that by 'older', I mean when she's 20, and not living here.

I guess I'll cross that bridge another time.

Soul Food

2008-04-25T13:22:00.002-04:00

so my girlfriend was here for a visit. it was quick, but it was good.

I have much to post about.. like how just the littlest moments can fill your soul with so much goodness that you know you can make it through the next few months of WHATEVER.

about how DISPLACED I feel right now (meaning this stage of life.. not this very second right now)

about how even if a broken toe is no longer so swollen such that you can fit IN your high heels that it may not necessarily be the best idea to WEAR said heels.

about how I love that tv is back, and despite being irritated at grey's anatomy I'm still very excited to see that Addison will be making a return next week with SAUCY HOT dark hair. (go Kate Walsh!!) and how I do not have enough energy to watch Lost yet cause that show just confuses the shit out of me and I imagine I'll need a big assed cup of coffee to process that one. still haven't watched the office or betty yet, though. so no spoilers, please.

oh! and how I'm on PAGE ONE of google results for people looking for the definition of Revertigo!! I know.. lame.. but being one of the top go-to sources for revertigo and clusterfuck just makes me happy.

speaking of happy.. it's time for rhena's nap. and that... makes a momma very very happy.

have a great weekend, all. more posts to come next week.